Potluck Sports

More fun

2011-09-12T21:54:00.001-04:00

Fun with Uncle Jim

2011-03-24T14:56:00.001-04:00

Just for Fun

2011-03-02T14:29:00.000-05:00

Musings on the World Cup (6/15 edition)

2010-06-15T14:46:00.002-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

The World Cup, as of now, has been rather dull. There hasn't been any blowouts (save for Germany's destruction of Australia 4-0) and defense has been the rule of the tournament. Here's where each team stands as of now:

Group A:
South Africa was the wrong side of the post off from beating Mexico. The tie with Mexico is a great start. For every bit of good South Africa has, Mexico looks bad. They pounded away to start but couldn't score until late and probably should have lost. Uruguay had to play with 10 men for the last few minutes and were probably grateful to take the tie. France looked miserably tired and boring and might fizzle out if they lose to Mexico on Thursday.

Group B:
Argentina scored 6 minutes in against Nigeria and then spent the next 84+ minutes almost scoring. Nigeria lost but should be thankful to their goalie that they are only down -1 in the GD department. Considering how bad Greece looked, being down -1 is probably a good thing for Nigeria. Speaking of Greece's terribleness, I don't know if South Korea is really as good as they looked because Greece looked awful.

Group C:
For the US, tying England is a win. I'm not mathematically challenged, I just feel that the US got incredibly lucky and taking 1 point rather than zero while holding the group favorites, England to 1 point, was huge. Speaking of England, will Rob Green be allowed back to his home country without wearing body armor? Slovakia really dominated Algeria and was unlucky to not win by more than one goal. Algeria looked miserable.

Group D:
Germany steamrolled Australia... it wasn't even a game. The Germans are the best looking team in the tournament as of now while Australia looked confused and slow. There was a party in Accra after Ghana beat Serbia 1-0 on a PK as Ghana probably just needs a tie over Australia to get out of the group stage. Serbia needs to beat Australia and Germany to survive, which likely won't happen.

Group E:
Denmark was ridiculously unlucky having an own goal and strange bounce after their defense stopped running against the Netherlands. The Oranje were really stymied by the Danes save for the two goals which were both products of luck. Cameroon looked overconfident going in against Japan who scored late in the first half and went deep and hid for the rest of the game.

Group F:
Italy looked old and creaky and very very fortunate to score a late goal against Paraguay, who should be happy but slightly disappointed to only take 1 point from them. The last touch of the game gave New Zealand (who looked surprisingly competent) it's first goal in a World Cup final and prevented Slovakia from it's first win in a World Cup final.

Group G:
Watching Cristiano Ronaldo flop and dive on the field for 90 minutes was an affront to the game. The fact that the officials still blow their whistles whenever he hits the ground is disappointing... he is the Manu Ginobili of the soccer world. Ivory Coast nearly struck late, but couldn't find the net. The biggest benefactor is North Korea, who will hold their destiny in their hands against those two teams. Brazil hasn't scored through 35 mins in the first half, but is dominating North Korea in all aspects.

Programming note: Posting will be light in the next few days as the Potluck Sports Annual Summit is taking place starting tomorrow.

Fun With Numbers

2010-06-14T16:03:00.007-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

And they say we can't count in the South because our book learnins are a bit slow.

Reports on conference realignment are now surfacing which state that Texas would prefer to remain as a member of a ten-team Big XII. It is, like most things, a financial decision: Texas could form its own network and pull down a cool $20-$25 mil in revenue from the TV alone. Chip Brown of Orangebloods.com has been absolutely fantastic in covering realignment, so if you need to catch yourself up, I will defer to him.

First things first: the Big XII commish Dan Beebe looks like a goon. He looks like a pasty and less fat Jared Fogle. Speaking of whom, I have no idea if that story in the Jared hyperlink is true, but I wouldn't be surprised. Apparently, for those who don't want to click what is essentially a celebrity gossip webpage, Mr. Fogle ran a pretty successful porno rental service while at IU. Go Hoosiers.

Second, no doubt easily picked up by our quick, clever, and attractive readers, the Big XII would have ten members and the Big Ten would have twelve members. Dopes.

Now, let's look at some real, honest-to-goodness analysis. Why, pray tell, is Texas all of a sudden willing to hold the XII together? Is it really just about the TV revenue? It very well could be. Before the XII, there was the Big 8 and the Southwestern Conference. Arkansas decided to take the SEC's offer to join. Yes, at one point, Arkansas held a decent seat of power in the college football world. Once Arky left, Texas was able to shore up its share and add more of the revenues by helping to hold the SWC together. Later on (3 years or so), Texas left the SWC, orchestrated a merger with the Big 8 and created the Big XII. If you're following present expansion closely enough, substitute Nebraska for Arkansas (Colorado is really irrelevant in the landscape of things here, except they have enabled the Pac 10 to make a run at Utah for a championship game) replace "leaving the SWC" with "threatening to leave the Big XII" and you have history repeating itself, complete with the attempt to keep the league together. Neat, huh?

Here's another thought which is not mutually exclusive with other scenarios, so it can be in play even if something else is. If Texas's plan is to join the Pac-10 all along, then trying to "hold the XII together" makes sense if A&M is truly set on joining the SEC. That way, Texas won't be the bad guy, y'see. They won't be the ones who break up the XII.

Or, nothing can happen. Like it actually did. Thanks, Internet, for going out and making my column dated before it posts!

2010 World Cup Group H Breakdown and Final Thoughts

2010-06-10T12:33:00.002-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

Group H rounds out this year’s version of the World Cup and frankly, it’s a little “blah.” Juggernaut Spain is the team on the marquee while Chile is glad to be back. Switzerland is still angry about their 2006 campaign and Honduras is just as surprised as you are that they are here. Let’s knock out this last group.

Chile

Chile disappeared from the world scene after 1998 thanks to tough luck qualifying and a lack of talent. This time around, they sent a resounding message that they are back, racking up 33 points in qualifying, missing the top spot by one point. This is something to be alerted to, as this team was the youngest of all CONMEBOL teams and it stole 16 of their points on the road. Scoring is rarely a problem for La Roja, especially with striker Humberto Suazo up front, who tore up the net 10 times in qualifying. Attacking and attacking this order, that means that the defense gets stretched. Playing teams like Switzerland and Spain, who can afford to sit and wait (Switzerland would prefer to wait), this could be an issue. In the end, we could see Chile hold their own against the Swiss and play Honduras in a shootout. But Spain will give them fits.

Honduras

If not for the fact that the US bailed them out with a late equalizing goal against Costa Rica, Honduras would have had to go to the playoff and may not have qualified. But that did happen, so Honduras is here. Qualifying saw them beat Mexico handily at home, which was good, but it also showed bad: a 1-1 draw in Trinidad almost killed their chances. Honduras has a few bullets in the gun to help them in Carlos Pavon and Wilson Palacios, of Tottenham fame. This team loves to play quick and loves to attack constantly. Like Chile, this leads to problems at the back. Getting out the group will be tough, but not completely impossible… it all depends on the game against Chile, which should be pretty fun to watch.

Spain

There isn’t much to say about Spain that hasn’t been said. They are the #2 team in the world and has only lost once in the last couple of years (to the US, oddly). They play the beautiful game that Brazil wishes they could play, they have all of the talent Italy and England wishes would play in their country’s leagues and they have the swagger a team like Germany or Argentina dreams of having. Spain is a favorite in this tournament by many, this author included. Spain eviscerated their opponents in qualifying winning all 10 games and only conceding 5 goals along the way. Picking one star on this team to watch is essentially spinning a wheel and picking whoever it lands on, so we’ll avoid that as it basically is an all star team. Spain will probably crush Honduras, beat Chile and maybe have a touch of trouble with the defensive minded Swiss, but this team will have no trouble getting through to the knockout stages.

Switzerland

Soccer is a game, like other games, wherein if a team does not give up a goal during a game, they should never lose. That is only slightly true as the Swiss did not concede a goal during the 2006 World Cup, yet they were knocked out of the tournament in the Round of 16 by the Ukraine (They lost on penalties). Thus, the Swiss are in South Africa looking to improve despite playing by the rules of the game. Qualifying was a bit of a rollercoaster: they started with a draw in Israel and a home defeat to Luxembourg for some reason but they would go on to win 5 in a row and they would win their group with a 0-0 draw with Israel at home. The Swiss do have a few solid players in Tranquillo Barnetta and Alexander Frei and they could do some damage. But the Swiss play a very slow and compressed version of the game. While this will give Honduras and Chile trouble, Spain will likely tear it apart with their short passing game.

Predicted Tables:
Spain 3-0-0
Chile 1-1-1
Switzerland 1-1-1
Honduras 0-3-0

So, whose going to win the whole thing? Here’s the Knockout stages as I see them:
Round of 16
France (A1) vs Nigeria (B2)…………………..Nigeria
Argentina (B1) vs Uruguay (A2)……………Argentina
England (C1) vs Ghana (D2)………………….England
Germany (D1) vs USA (C2)……………………Germany
Netherlands (E1) vs Paraguay (F2)……….Netherlands
Italy (F1) vs Denmark (E2)…………………….Denmark
Brazil (G1) vs Chile (H2)………………………..Brazil
Spain (H1) vs Portugal (G2)…………………..Spain
Quarterfinals
Nigeria vs Argentina………………………………Argentina
England vs Germany………………………………England
Netherlands vs Denmark………………………..Netherlands
Brazil vs Spain…………………………………………..Brazil
Semifinals
Argentina vs England………………………………..England
Netherlands vs Brazil….……………………………Brazil
Finals
England vs Brazil……………………………………..Brazil

Brazil is going win the whole thing, folks. Yes, it’s a very vanilla pick. But now that they’ve ditched the beautiful game aspect of their game and are playing seriously, they are going to torch this competition. I’m sticking to my guns with my former predictions, but I would like to make a few last minute flipflops and assertions:

France probably won’t go 3-0-0 in their group… their coach is insane.

Speaking of insane coaches, although I have Argentina going to the quarterfinals, but they just as easily could go nowhere. Maradona is like a monkey at the wheel of a Ferrari.

Brazil’s triumph and Spain’s fall will show that the beautiful game is dead.

Africa’s next world cup will ban the vuvuzela.

Nigeria will be Africa’s great hope because Ivory Coast will be at 80% health, Ghana is at 75% health, Cameroon is in a tough group and South Africa doesn’t stand a chance. Oh, and Algeria? Ha!

The US likely will beat Slovenia in a close game and will probably have more trouble than they should against Algeria. But realistically England will torch the US’s soft defense. If they go to the Round of 16, Germany will torch them even more.

2010 World Cup Group G Breakdown

2010-06-09T11:53:00.002-04:00

By Slate Quicksilver

Without much argument, Group G is the group of death in this installment of the World Cup. Superpowers Brazil and Portugal are on top of this group going in, while African power Ivory Coast would probably look to easily qualify in any other group. Then there is the unknown quantity of the “Democratic People’s Republic” of Korea, or as you know it, the “Bad Korea.” No team is guaranteed to get out alive.

Brazil

Much has been made of the 180 degree turn around that the Brazilians have experienced these past four years. Not in terms of results (they are still a top 3 team in the world), but in terms of play. The beautiful game appears to be dead in Brazil. New coach Dunga stresses the physical defense and a murderous counterattack that has turned a Samba beat to a military drum corps. Certain players, Ronaldihno and Robinho, for example, were left off in favor of players who play into Dunga’s mold. Those players are world class, but are known to be ball hogs and perform needless fancy moves… thus they are gone. The country is now torn: some yearn for the old beautiful days, others believe this is an even stronger team. How Brazil performs at the 2010 World Cup will plot the path for the next generation of Brazilian superstars. Three goalless performances in front of the home crowd during qualifying lead to vicious headlines in hometown newspapers. But really, that was only a blip on the radar as the Selecao easily won the CONMEBOL group. When mentioning names, Kaka (hehe), Gilberto Silva and Luis Fabiano are the big names, but the applause should be reserved for the backline with Juan and Maicon. Those two defenders can breakdown any attack thrown their way with little trouble. Brazil opens against North Korea and finishes with Portugal. They probably will have already qualified by the time they get to the third game and probably won’t care about the game against Portugal. 1982 Germany-Austria Non Aggression Pact of Gijon part 2, anyone?

Ivory Coast

It was heartbreaking to see Didier Drogba, Ivory Coast’s golden child, go down in the last qualifier against Japan with a broken arm. In 2006 Drogba was able to go in front of cameras and get his country, on the brink of civil war, to come to end of hostilities. He would later secure a qualifying game in the northern (and considerably more dangerous) part of the country on rebel territory just to show to his own country that they are unified. He looks to build hospitals in his country and truly has a passion for it. In addition to being a world class person, he is a world class player. That’s why his injury is so disheartening. He might play, but there is no guarantee. Yes, it’s true that arms are not 100% necessary for this sport, it’s not like he is playing a throwaway game in Zimbabwe (terrible joke). The good news is that his fellow teammates are very very good as well. Salomon Kalou is a dangerous striker while Yaya Toure and Didier Zokora make up a potent midfield. Their backline, all of them, plays in Europe somewhere. The Ivory Coast easily qualified to the World Cup, so success looked imminent until they got placed in the group of death. Without Drogba, unfortunately, getting out of the group stage looks very unlikely.

North Korea:

In today’s world of instant knowledge and information being sent around the globe in half a second with television cameras and phone cameras everywhere, it’s rather funny that most people know absolutely nothing about North Korea’s soccer team. Geopolitics aside (frankly we don’t know much about the country itself, either), North Korea’s soccer team has seen a sharp rise in their stock. North Korea started qualifying at the complete bottom of Asian qualifying, unlike Australia or Japan who got byes out of the first couple of rounds. North Korea crushed Mongolia in the first round, got a bye for second round, came in second behind South Korea in the third round, and in the final round came in second (again) behind South Korea (again). Considering North Korea was seeded behind Kuwait and Uzbekistan while being only slightly ahead of Hong Kong (yes they have a team apparently) and Tajikistan (yes it's a country), this is a commendable accomplishment. Now they are rewarded by getting to play in the group of death. Defense is the word of the day (everyday) with the Chollima, and all things considered, they do a pretty good job. They tied Greece 2-2, so that’s good. I guess. They also have the “Wayne Rooney of Asia”, Jong Tae-Se. That’s about it in terms of knowledge on this team. So, will the Dear Leader be celebrating their team getting out of the group of death? Absolutely not. They are going to get run over.

Portugal:

Portugal was very close to complete embarrassment during qualifying. Denmark ran away with the group while Hungary looked solid enough to steal the second group sending Sweden and Portugal into the wilderness. But then Portugal slowly turned it on and got into second place behind the Danes. Portugal drew Bosnia and Herzegovina in the UEFA playoff and won 1-0 both times. That highlights, perhaps, the issue with Portugal. They had an easy qualifying group, but looked disinterested at times. A 3-2 loss at home to Denmark wherein the Danes scored all three goals in the last 10 minutes illustrates that fact. They finally got it together, but it took longer than expected. Well now they are in the group of death and will fight for their lives from start to finish. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid player in the world, so expectations are high on him, but it is the backline where success is mandatory. The whole world knows that Portugal is a team that flops and acts as though they were shot in the knee with a shotgun any time they are challenged. Their midfielders fall down regularly against a stiff headwind hoping for to draw the yellow against the low pressure system in the region. They are, without a doubt, the slimiest players in this tournament… even more than the Italians… and we can only hope a meteor destroys their practice facility. (Ed note: Some of those last few sentences were unedited opinions made by Slate. He hates them with a passion. We’ll just go to the predicted tables.)

Predicted Tables:

Brazil 2-0-1

Portugal 1-1-1 (+2 GD)

Ivory Coast 1-1-1 (+1 GD)

North Korea 0-2-1

In Praise of the Chick-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Sandwich

2010-06-08T10:00:00.004-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Yesterday, the heralded Southern chicken franchise Chick-Fil-A unveiled their Spicy Chicken Sandwich. For those of you unfortunate enough to live outside of the range of these gods of the restaurant industry, first of all, fall to the floor and weep for your sake. Seriously. It's that good. However, you may also know them from the Peach Bowl or from the cow ads.

A brief overview: first, the chicken is soaked in what I believe to be a dill mixture, presumably to complement the pickles on the sandwich. Next, it's breaded and fried in a peanut oil, to 1) lower the cholesterol content and 2) make it taste like heaven. Finally, the sandwich is served on a buttery bun with two dill pickle chips. Then, you can sauce it however you want, with a traditional BBQ sauce, a Polynesian sauce, regular catsup, or you can go with the Chick-Fil-A sauce (renamed from the honey-roasted BBQ sauce, so that's the hint of what it tastes like there).

What makes this sandwich so special, you may ask? It's hard to put in words. Perhaps it is how the breading is light enough to where it doesn't interfere with the natural tastiness of the chicken. That's probably why the spicy sandwich works so well. Apparently, in this piece by the AJC, Chick-Fil-A has been working on this monstrosity for over five years. Clearly, this move has not been hastily considered, and with good reason. Customers (like myself) have been demanding this for many years and while a non-successful spicy sandwich would not be enough to stop me from going, it would be out-of-character for Chick-Fil-A to fail.

Anyhow, they've really been milking the publicity like it was some sort of debut from Apple. You could even reserve your sandwich online at www.getspicychicken.com. The closest I had ever come prior to making a reservation was telling my buddies to "save a sandwich for me" if everyone was going to get food. I did happen to get a reservation (seems like the blue hairs in my home town aren't too keen on eating at 1 PM) and here was how it went.

I walked in and I was shown to a table (in a typical fast food restaurant!) I sat down and was asked what I'd like to drink (a Coke Zero, please. Yes, I have no problem drinking beverages since banned in Venezuela). They then asked if I wanted the Spicy Regular sandwich or the Deluxe, with lettuce, tomato, and pepper jack cheese. Of course, I wanted fried. They bring out the meal, which consists of the sandwich, any sauce I wanted (I elected for Chick-Fil-A sauce), a side of cole slaw, and a sample of the peach milkshake. It gets consumed. They ask me how it was and I respond positively and ask for the bill. Turns out, if you made the reservation, it was FREE. That's right. F-R-E-E. Wouldn't even accept my gratuity.

The spice wasn't all too intense, but you know it was there. It would start out subtle and build ever so slowly. It shouldn't be enough to turn anyone away from it, unless you just can't handle heat in any fashion. My only complaint is that it's a bit salty. Clearly, Chick-Fil-A did all their homework in crafting a great recipe.

All in all, if you can get one, go and get it. You won't regret it. And yes, this is a slap to Slate because he can't acquire one. Take that.

NCAA Mega Conference Predictions: An Absurdist POV

2010-06-07T15:35:00.002-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

In case you missed it (and how could you if you've watched any more than 3 seconds of ESPN), the Pac10 is looking into absorbing what is effectively the Big12 south. This news came from so far out of the blue that scientists believe it originated in the ultraviolet part of the spectrum (/physics joke). The Pac10 wants Texas, Texas and Texas, but has to "settle" with taking the other Texas schools, minus Baylor (...maybe), Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Colorado. Colorado has been harped upon by the Pac10 for a while, and Texas is the jewel that the Pac10 has their eyes on. But the Texas state legislature, of all people, seem to be forcing Texas's cousins (TTech and TAMU) along with them. Oklahoma comes along, and brings Okie doke State just to appease rivalries' sake. Basically it all boils down to money, money and money and the Big12 might be in trouble. Let's not forget the Big10 is looking to yoink Nebraska, Mizzou and maybe possibly Rutgers. In the end, we could be looking for a merging into mega conferences to the point where the BCS turns into the WWF and we'll see Ohio State and Texas play for the Intercontinental Title in a cage match with a guest referee (Macho Man Randy Savage is attached for the first match).

Looking into the crystal ball, here is approximately what will happen:

Step 1: The Pac10 will absorb Texas, Texas Tech, Texas A&M, Colorado, Oklahoma and OK. State. Now the Pac10 is the Pac16.

Step 2: Not to be outdone, the Big10 decides to scoop up Nebraska, Missouri, Rutgers, Pittsburgh and... bom bom bommmmmmm... Notre Dame. The Big10 becomes the Big15, because they are mathematically challenged.

Step 3: The remaining bits and pieces of the Big12 (Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State and Baylor) all have a heartfelt meeting and decide to go their separate ways. The entire state of Kansas comes out and admits that basketball is really their sport and that they never liked football anyway and their teams will fold. Baylor follows suit, making their track team even better than it traditionally has been. Iowa State folds their football team but no one notices.

Step 4: The Big East, stung by their loss of Rutgers, folds up shop and decides that basketball is really their thing. There will be no more football from any of those schools and then they go and pluck Kansas and Kansas State up from the cold cold wilderness that they were cast out into. Iowa State and Baylor join C-USA.

Step 5: The SEC, sitting calmly the entire time, finally decides to strike back. But its a tactical nuclear strike of strikes. The SEC takes Miami, FSU, USF and Georgia Tech.

Step 6: The ACC, realizing that they just got punked similar to how they punked the Big East in the early part of the decade, tries to make amends with the Big East. The Big East laughs them off.

Step 7: The Mountain West and WAC merge. The BCS commissioners recommend that they join the Canadian Football League stating "it's the only way you'll be able to play for a championship."

Step 8: Congress tells the 3 superconferences to share revenue and let the smaller guys play. The 3 heads of the superconferences reply with: "Congress had made their decision. Now let them enforce it." They then start a political party.

Step 9: After only 2 months of campaigning and leading his team to a 11-2 record, Mack Brown is elected the 45th president of the U.S carrying every state containing a team from one of the 3 superconferences.

Step 10: Civil War

Step 11: After a protracted battle, the superconferences subdue the rebel states and sell them to Canada or Mexico.

Step 12: The NFL is disbanded as per the 29th Amendment to the Constitution. (#28: No excessive endzone celebrations)

Step 13: Using their incredible power and money, the superconferences use their new space program to build a giant space platform with which to destroy their enemies and enforce their laws and peace over their dominion. Only it's not a platform, its a sphere... a star, if you will.

John Wooden Dead at 99

2010-06-04T23:12:00.002-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

John Wooden dead at age 99. The coaching world has lost Hercules. He was an inspiration to many, many coaches and players, and nobody meant more to basketball in a majority of the country (Adolph Rupp, Dean Smith, etc. excluded) than he did.

We here at PLS offer our heartfelt gratitude to Mr. Wooden for making NCAA Basketball as prestigious as it is today. Make no mistake, when Florida defeated UCLA in the consecutive years of 2006-07, it was a big deal. Don't think the significance was lost on the players, either.

Requiescat in pace.

2010 World Cup Group F Breakdown

2010-06-04T15:29:00.000-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

Group F is looks likely to be the most “blah” of all of the groups in this upcoming World Cup final. Italy headlines the group and expects to win. Paraguay and Slovakia won entry through tough trials in qualifying. New Zealand is happy to be there. However, after a few strange roster maneuvers by the Italian squad, this group is perhaps a bit more open than appears.

Italy:

Make no mistake about it, Italy is a team that should not be taken lightly. They won the whole thing in 2006, but this World Cup has seen less buzz for the Azzurri. They easily won their qualifying group with no bumps along the way. They are lead by their bulldog captain Fabio Cannavaro and their other worldy goalie Gianluigi Buffon. But on the attack the Italians left off several big time scorers. This Italian team is younger than most in the past, so question marks will be abound if this younger model will perform up to the ludicrous standards put forth on this team. On 6/3, Italy lost to Mexico 2-1. It’s not that Mexico is a bad team (certainly not), but beating a team like Mexico will be absolutely necessary in the knockout stages not once, but 4 times. The Azzurri didn’t just lose, they were one minute from being shut out and they were dominated for most of the game. As a result, Mexico’s stock rises at the cost of Italy’s stock. The Italians were considered “unfit” and “disinterested.” Those are not words you want a team who should contend for a final game berth. Italy should win the group, but not as handily as some think.

New Zealand:

It took New Zealand nearly 30 years to return to the World Cup finals thanks to the same plight Australia had: playoff-after playoff-after playoff. But unlike Australia, who bolted for Asian qualifying, New Zealand still had to play in one playoff to get in. They dominated qualifying over a bunch of Pacific Islands you’ve never heard of to get to a 2 leg playoff against Bahrain, which they took 1-0. The All Whites are rewarded by coming to the World Cup being ranked dead last by almost every single person who has an opinion on the matter. New Zealand is strong at the backline and looked quite competent as they beat Serbia 1-0 on the heels of the finals coming up in 2 weeks. But the question is, will they be able to hold off Paraguay and Slovakia’s physicality and will they be patient enough to handle the Italians’ methodical approach to the game. My bet: No. New Zealand may perform better than most expect, a draw with Slovakia or Paraguay is certainly possible. But in the end the All Whites will be a doormat on the way to the knockout stages.

Paraguay:

Paraguay has tasted success before. In 1998 and 2002 they got out of the group stages only to lose to teams on their way to the Championship games, which is bad luck more than anything. This time around, Los Guaranies electrified CONMEBOL qualifying tying for the most wins (10) and finished just behind Brazil and Chile and they won 7 of their home games. Sadly, they won’t have their best striker, Salvador Cabanas who was literally shot in the face in Mexico. He survived somehow, but won’t be joining the team on the field any time soon. But Roque Santa Cruz is an excellent backup plan, who is just off an excellent year in England. In 2006, Paraguay’s problem was scoring goals. They only scored 2 goals, both against little Trinidad and Tobago. That may not be a problem this time around, as they are better than ever up front and have a solid backline as well. Paraguay should take care of New Zealand and the game against Slovakia will be their tournament.

Slovakia:

Slovakia turned UEFA qualifying on its head this go around by winning group 3 over the Czech and Polish teams, who were expected to finished 1 and 2. That’s a big deal considering Slovakia’s battered history with the two other countries. Moving forward, Slovakia shows a team that is battle tested and won’t back down. On the last day of qualifying, the team beat Poland 1-0 to give them a win. A loss would have placed Slovenia on top of the group and sent Slovakia to Russia, another historic foe. While there isn’t a certain play would will attract legions of stories and reporters, Martin Skrtel of Liverpool is on a solid defense. We can’t really go on history for the team itself, as this is the first major international competition they’ve ever been in, but when combined with the Czechs, they were runners up twice and went to the quarterfinals in 1990. Slovakia will need to beat New Zealand and play Paraguay as well as they can in hopes of making it out of this group. Unfortunately for them, I don’t see it happening.

Predicted Tables:

Italy 2-0-1

Paraguay 2-0-1

Slovakia 1-2-0

New Zealand 0-3-0

Your NBA Finals Status Report - Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales

2010-06-03T10:23:00.003-04:00

This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's a clip. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Before we really get rockin', guys, I gotta give a shout out to Jim Joyce. No, not the author, but make no mistake, Stan is a fan of the classics. A Portrait of the Stan Van Gundy as a Used Auto Salesman is included with every car that I move, along with a companion audiobook narrated by a former salesman of mine, Hedo Turkoglu. It makes a great Father's Day present.

Jim, as you may know, blew a call that cost a pitcher a perfect game. Stan's pushed out a couple of lemons off the lot in his day, so I symptathize. But I gotta be honest, I don't think it was a perfect game. The kid threw 88 pitches and only 67 of them were strikes! Stan's no math major, but that's not perfection. Did he beat the throw? Absolutely, he did. But you can't expect it to be called perfect. That's a rare thing for us. I'll consider it a perfect game when I see a box score that reads PC/ST 27/27. Now, that's perfection we can get behind! I vote we rename a perfect game in Major League Baseball the "Good-Enough-for-Most-Folks-But-Not-Stan Game."

Anyhow, back to things that I know like the back of my hand: used cars, blogging, and basketball. Tonight, the NBA Finals start, and while I would have liked to make a return trip, it just wasn't in the cards. Instead, I get to spend it with all of you, and that's okay. Let's jump into it.

The Boston Celtics are pretty much the epitome of every used car on my lot. They look great right out of the dealership (1st quarter), a couple rough patches in the middle where you gotta kick the tires, add water to the radiator just to make it through, or holding a couple loose parts together with duct tape (2nd-3rd quarters), and by the time they make it to the end of the trip, it is looking worse for the wear (4th quarter). HOWEVER, it still gets you there and you're still comin' back to Stan for your next automobile.

The Los Angeles Lakers are like that rare jewel in the SVG lot: fairly high mileage on a reliable make/model, but it was kept in such excellent shape that you're thinkin', "Well, it's a young 100,000 miles." Now, all of a sudden, you're driving down the road and BAM! Your rear view windows fall off. Still, you've got nothing but the open road ahead, so you're in cruise control for a while, but now you've encountered some traffic and it would be really nice to be able to look around without sticking your head out of the window like a jackass.

Make no mistake, folks, this Finals is not easy to predict. You've got mismatches everywhere. Rajon Rondo is a lightning quick PG, something the Lakers usually struggle to defend. Ron Artest is a much better defender than Trevor Ariza and he can be counted on to give someone (likely Pierce) a hard time. KG should be able to crush the soft-as-my-2004-camry-with-the-leatherette-seats Gasol, but could have a harder time against super-sub Lamar "Lots and Lots for Just 5 Bucks" Odom. And you probably thought Stan was going to comment on whichever Kardashian it is. Stan lives by a couple rules in life:

1. Always pay for your books in cash.
2. Leave the wives and children out of it.
3. Pound your conch as often as possible.

Also, I think I just made it pretty clear I don't know which one he married, so I'd rather avoid the egg on my face. It's hard to trim it out of the trademark 'stache.

Couple of key differences between 2008 and 2010:

1. The Auto Lot has gone national! People are comin' from all around to see the deals on the Tercels, Pintos, Camrys, and Geo Prisms from near and from far!

2. Ray Allen is playin' better than he did in 2008.

3. Andrew Bynum is doing more standing than he did in 2008. If you can't remember, he was unavailable because of knee problems. I think having him be able to play is huge.

4. Rajon Rondo is a legitimate scoring threat (but still has a tendency to wither away in the 4th).

5. Kobe is playing better now than he did same time two years again.

6. Everyone's two years older.

7. The Celtics' bench with respect to the guard position is much worse. This one, says Stan, is the biggest key to the series. No more James Posey to bug Kobe! Man, did he ever bother him. They was like exhaust problems and a Pontiac - inseparable! You think Tony Allen and his bum ankle can keep up with Kobe? Like the chances of the United States taking Hummer back from China: not a snowball's in hell!

Having just gotten out of a series with the Celtics, Stan's normally inclined to respect them a little more and generally is thinking of taking them in the series. Their old bones need a lot of rest and the spacious accommodations of the Finals (TUE/THUR/SUN) will play to their advantage.

But I just can't do it.

That's right, Stan is taking Los Angeles. La-La Land. Stan's packin' a grip and splittin' for the Coast! I sense there's a better aura around LA this time around. Kobe's playing at a higher level and he seems confident in his teammates. The Celtics' bench isn't as good as it was in 2008. And, more importantly, I think both teams know what to expect. In 2008, the Lake Show was taken aback by the defensive intensity of the Celts. You can bet your fancy cars that it ain't happening this time! No, seriously, bet your cars. COME ON! Stan needs to have some good cars to put roadside! The wacky, waving, inflatable arm flailing tube men aren't getting in done and neither is Vince Carter!

This seems to be (on paper) the most unpredictable Finals since the 2005 Snoozefest of Detroit/San Antonio. Be sure to tune in, and if you see that handsome devil Jeff Van Gundy, tell him he owes his brother $500 for that Chrysler Town and Country!

Remember, we here at Stan Van Gundy Used Auto Sales are here for you. Come on in, where we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. Right now, you can get a preowned 1996 Subaru Legacy for only $400! Steering wheel extra. If you didn't buy from Stan Van Gundy, you paid too much, WAY TOO MUCH. I wanna make you a deal on an auto-mo-BILE!

More Reasons Why Western Civililzation is Collapsing

2010-06-02T18:29:00.002-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

Busy day today with many goings ons, but this needs to be shared:

http://news.nationalpost.com/2010/06/01/win-a-soccer-game-by-more-than-five-points-and-you-lose-ottawa-league-says/

You don't even have to read the article, the URL says it all. If you win a game by more than five points in this league in Canada, you lose. I could spend 5,000 words deriding the wimp-ification of this generation of children just as easily as I could go on about how many thing are wrong with this action being taken by that league.

Here it is boiled down to a simple concise thought: In the real world, there is no rule that says you can't lose by more than five points! Ask these guys. In this league, the oil spill would be suspended for at least 2 games. The world is not sunshine and lollipops and Western Civilization's march toward the middle is perfectly represented by this, tee ball leagues that don't keep score and people who try to ban the use of words. When these kids make it to middle school, bullies will not stop administering wedgies on the grounds of "fairness" or "compassion."

Point is, if you want to know why the center of the world has shifted to the far east in about 15 years, it's because kids in this league figured they'd share with the Chinese for a few years thinking that the Chinese will be happy to give us back control when it's our turn.

2010 World Cup Group E Breakdown

2010-06-01T16:17:00.002-04:00

By Slate Quicksilver

Group E is a group that is a near mirror image to Group D. There is a juggernaut coupled with two very solid teams and a wild card that could easily surprise the world scene. The Netherlands is the marquis team in this group. But European wunderkinds Denmark, soccer/track team Cameroon and Asian regulars Japan look to muddy this group prognostication up.

Cameroon:

Of all African nations, Cameroon has the most successful history. The Indomitable Lions stormed onto the World Cup scene in 1990, going all the way to the quarterfinals where a late Italian goal kept them from the semifinals. In total they have qualified five times, more than any other African nation. In qualifying, Cameroon cruised with style. In the final stage, they lost their first game to Togo and won four of their last five games. In those games, they only surrendered two goals. For their effort, FIFA has ranked them the highest of all African teams (#19 in the World). Samuel Eto’o is their best known player. He is their captain and is well known in European circles for torching every opponent, particularly La Liga opponents where he scored more than 100 goals in five seasons with Barcelona. He currently is destroying the Italian league, Serie A, with Internazionale where he has 12 goals in 32 games. But Cameroon will need more than him against defensive minded Denmark and all around awesome Netherlands. Cameroon has a few youngsters who can add some firepower, but in truth, it will be up to the defense to stop the Netherlands’s all out attack and Denmark’s counterattack. A win of over Japan is likely while a loss against the Netherlands is likely. Denmark v. Cameroon will be their tournament in a nutshell.

Denmark: (Ed note: Slate is a Denmark fan).

The Danish Dynamite exploded onto the scene in 1986 going to the quarterfinals in Mexico, then in 1992 they shocked the European continent by winning the Euro Cup with style. Then in 1998 and 2002, the Danes easily made it out of group play, in 1998 they went to the quarterfinals where they unfortunately met up with Brazil. Perhaps “dynamite” is a perfect word, because in between those successes is stretches of complete nothingness. They didn’t qualify in 1990 or 1994, and then in 2006 they did not qualify for the World Cup and they even missed out on the 2008 Euro Cup (but so did the British…). Well, the year is 2010 and Denmark is back. In qualifying, they seemed to be behind the eight ball, stuck behind Portugal and Sweden in UEFA Group 1. But the Danes would go on to beat Portugal in Lisbon and beat Sweden both times giving them the upper hand in qualifying (they only lost once). It would wind up being Portugal fighting for their qualifying life while Sweden was left to sit at home. Denmark’s Captain Jon Dahl Tomasson (my man) leads the attack, but it is younger players like Daniel Agger and Nicklas Bendtner would will decide the tournament. Sadly, the Danes do not have Peter Schmeichel , their other worldly goalie who anchored the team during its greatest successes (Ed note: Schmeichel is Slate’s favorite player of all time) with his hot temper and ultra aggressive goaltending style. Denmark will likely dispatch Japan, but if any team can give the Netherlands trouble, it would be the defensive minded Danes. A win against Japan and Cameroon is a must.

Japan:

Since 1998, Japan has been a World Cup mainstay. However, the Blue Samurai had true success only once, in 2002 in front of their home crowd where they went to the Round of 16. Japan is not a team to be underestimated, but we will do so anyway. Japan’s largest problem is firepower and weak qualifying. The lack of a true goal scorer will be a huge problem for the Japanese. With Australia as the only true power in their way, Japan easily qualified, but that was thanks to qualifying against the likes of Oman, Thailand, Uzbekistan and Bahrain (not exactly powerhouses). Dead ball specialist Shunsuke Nakamura, formerly of Rangers in Scotland, is their best option for a hero. But playing the likes of the Netherlands, Cameroon and Denmark will require more than one or two players. Japan will have to pitch a perfect game and hit a home run just to win one game. Japan likely will have trouble scoring against Denmark’s tight defense and will have trouble dealing with the athleticism of Cameroon and the Netherlands. Drawing a point will be a victory for the nation, but his team is fading.

The Netherlands:

The Netherlands are set for their typical World Cup run thanks to a multitude of talent and a great run through qualifying. How great? They didn’t lose or draw a single game in qualifying and they only surrendered 2 goals in the eight games of qualifying. It is true that their toughest competition was Scotland and Norway, but it is hard to ignore how well this team did on the road to South Africa. The Oranje have quickly reloaded with talent seeing Ruud van Nistelrooy and Edwin van der Saar hang up their cleats and but they brought in Nigel de Jong, Wesley Sneijder and several other big time young players. Despite all of their success, the Oranje haven’t won the whole thing before. They came in second twice, and fourth in 1998. With the success and talent they have, a trip to the finals is their aim. Their offense is blistering and their defense proved to be better than expected. A wild card factor here is the Dutch going to South Africa. The Dutch have a huge history in South Africa and playing in front of a second home cannot be overlooked. Denmark will be a tough first draw, but Japan can be a stabilizing game. Playing Cameroon to finish group play could be an afterthought. They should easily win the group.

Predicted Table:

Netherlands 2-0-1

Denmark 2-0-1

Cameroon 1-2-0

Japan 0-3-0

200th Post: Perfection - One Man's Account of Roy Halladay's Perfect Game

2010-05-31T14:37:00.003-04:00

by Red Herring

[Note: PLS's own Red Herring was at the Marlins/Phillies game for this memorable occasion.]

Perfection:

Living in South Florida I have a plethora of entertainment options on a Saturday. Luckily for me I choose to attend the Phillies-Marlins game. At this point I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that My wife, Mrs. Red, was the driving force behind this decision. I didn’t even know who was pitching until I was already in the car and asked my wife to look up the probable pitchers. Tonight its Halladay and Johnson she read to me off the Marlins webpage. I told her, that’s a really good pitching matchup I’m excited about this now.

The first three innings were spent like most normal innings are when you’re at a ball game. Ordering a beer, ordering a second beer, the trek to the concession stand where and selecting something that will probably take five minutes off my life. By the fifth inning I did notice something. The Marlins had no hits, I think to myself, have they had any base runners? A quick check of the box score on my iPhone tells me no, they haven’t had a single base on balls.

Holly crap! This is a perfect game I’m watching! But it’s only the fifth, plenty of time for the Marlins to get someone on base and break it up.

There are certain rules to watching a perfect game. But you only need to remember one rule to do it properly. YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE PERFECT GAME. Why am I telling you this? Because the gaggle of middle school aged boys behind me seems to have forgotten that very simple rule. From the fifth inning on these children were mentioning perfect game, saying perfect game and doing everything short of lighting a fire and sending smoke signals to people on the other side of the stadium alerting them to the perfect game they were watching. This pissed me off. Being a baseball fan I know that there have only been 19 perfect games in the history of the game. 19! Professional baseball has been played in this country for over 100 years and a perfect game has happened 19 times and these kids are doing everything they can to jinx it. Instead of being able to tell their children I saw a perfect game they will be able to say “I saw Roy Halladay pitch a perfect game into the 6th inning. That’s bush.

Anyway back to the game. I started taking notes on my iPhone when I realized what was going on but honestly, at some point between the fifth and seventh inning I just put it away and started watching. Simply put, Roy Halladay is the best pitcher in baseball. He was not on the same level as the rest of the players on the field that night. He was hitting his spots and not over thinking it. I can’t remember him shaking off his catcher a single time. He threw the ball, caught the ball and then threw the ball again. He was calm and deliberate and most importantly not over thinking things. Far too often athletes will over think what they’re doing and proceed to screw it up. Not Ol’ Roy. He was masterful, he trusted his catcher to call the right pitches and his defense to make plays behind him.

Roy started to fall behind batters after the Seventh inning. He was in several three ball counts but the Marlins seemed to understand that you just don’t break up a perfect game in the eighth inning with a base on balls and they proceeded to swing freely at three ball counts. (or they knew that either the ump wasn’t going to give them a base on balls or Halladay would proceed to beat their brains in on the way to first if they even thought about trying to work a walk against him.)

I had a direct view into the Phillies dugout from my seats and I could see that everyone was treating Roy like he had the plague. Which is another rule for a perfect game. You don’t pat the guy on the back, or talk to him or look at him. You stay as far away as you can, but not too far away. You avoid looking at him, but don’t make it look like you’re trying not to look at him. You sit down, stay away and take your at bats when you come up in the order. I’m sure you also pray that you’re not the one who screws this thing up because you know that you’ll never be able to live it down. Roy was left alone to continue his dominance and it worked out pretty well.

Sometimes you don’t realize how fast the game is played unless you’re actually sitting in the stadium and watching it firsthand. When something happens in a ball game it happens quick. Leading off the eighth Jorge Cantu hit a screamer to third and Juan Castro scooped it up and threw Canto out. On TV this looked like a nice play. In person you see things a little differently, everyone in the stadium held their breath when that ball came off Cantu’s bat. Castro lunged to his left and snared it on the hop and made an easy throw to first to get Cantu, but I have never seen a more exciting play in person. It was quick, it was skillful and it was calm sometimes we don’t give enough credit to players for making the easy plays but we have to remember even the easy ones in the bigs are still darn hard to come up with.

Simply put everything that Roy had done that night was in the hands of Castro and Castro didn’t let him down. It was clutch, it was money and it was probably the most important play of the game.

By the time we hit the bottom of the ninth everyone was on their feet. The tension was rolling off of everyone in the stadium, and while there might have been a few die hard Marlins fans there (I know they exist, just not in large numbers or at the actual game very often) everyone else was wishing and rooting and screaming for Halladay to get it done. And he did.

Perfection existed for one man on one Saturday night in Florida. He did everything right, and he was rewarded with joining the most exclusive list of pitchers in the history of the game. Halladay was perfect, and the scary part? He didn’t even look like he was trying very hard to do it.

2010 World Cup Group D Breakdown

2010-05-28T15:02:00.004-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

If Group G is considered the Group of Death, Group D is a relatively close second in that category. Germany anchors the group along with African power Ghana, “Asian” strongmen (in a geographic mystery to be solved later in this breakdown) Australia and an improving Serbia. Germany looks to be the leader in the clubhouse, but second place will be a dogfight between three very good teams.

Australia:

Australia cruised through Asian qualifying surrendering only 4 goals in 12 games. If you are wondering why Australia, generally considered to be its own continent, didn’t play in its qualifying and instead plays in Asia, the answer is simple. Fed up with having to play playoff after playoff and just barely getting edged by a CONCACAF or CONMEBOL team, Australia decided to move to a more powerful Federation where doing well meant qualification. (Note to all other teams in Oceania: Do the same. Our secret dream of a Tahiti – Vanuatu Cup Final in 2034 could come to fruition…) 2006 was the Socceroos first foray into the World Cup in more than 30 years and they did quite well. Australia beat Japan handily, lost to Brazil and tied Croatia. They went on to the Round of 16 and lost to Italy in a very very controversial 1-0 Italian win wherein the Italian player, Fabio Grosso, clearly took a dive inside the Australian penalty box. The ensuing penalty kick was converted and Italy moved on (Ed. Note: It was seriously a complete joke. American sport fans can relate this to Don Denkinger blowing the call in the ’85 World Series. If you need more a reason to hate the Italians, that is one of many). Australia has a few world class players including Tim Cahill, Brett Emerton and goalie Mark Schwarzer is one of the finest backstops in the world. Australia will need a great deal of skill and luck to get out of this group, making the match against Serbia to close the group extremely important.

Germany:

Germany obliterated all in their path to the World Cup this time around, save for 2 games against Finland. Those two games were ties, and were relative puzzling, seeing as how Germany crushed the rest of the group with style and ease. Along the way, they even defeated Russia on Russian turf to give them their first loss on home soil in Cup qualifying ever. The Germans bring in several big time players to the table. Superstars Michael Ballack and Miroslav Klose bring the firepower at the front end, while Philip Lahm will man the defense. The only question mark hanging over the Germans is how they will deal with this group. There is no easy game in this group, unlike in 2002 or 2006. 2002 gave Die Mannschaft a group of Ireland, Cameroon and Saudi Arabia; all of whom they dealt with easily. 2006 saw them play against lower end teams such as Costa Rica and Ecuador, and they were at home. 2010, as mentioned before does not yield a cake-like substance of a group. Winning the group is the most likely scenario, but Australia and Ghana are not to be trifled and Serbia won their group over France in qualifying, which is no small feat. Germany will not be able to take a minute off in this group, and if they don’t, winning the group will be the prize.

Ghana:

If there is an up-and-coming team in the World, it is Ghana. This is only their second trip to the tournament, but they have been soaring in other parts of the game. They won the FIFA U-20 World Cup in 2009 and have numerous players abroad playing, and starting, for some of the biggest clubs in Europe. Despite two awkward losses to Gabon and Libya earlier in qualifying, the Black Stars qualified easily in African qualifying. Michael Essien anchors the star studded lineup at midfield while Matthew Amoah and Junior Agogo (awesome name) light up the nets on the attack with regularity. Goalie Richard Kingson looks to be the man who will either clinch or kill Ghana’s chances to get out of this group as he will be busy fighting off the impressive attacks of the rest of the group. Experience is something that Ghana has in spades. In Germany 2006, Ghana was the youngest team (avg. age: 24). Many of those players return. This experience will be a necessary commodity in this group. For Ghana to qualify, they must come out swinging. They don’t play Germany until the last day of group play. An already qualified German team could help a Ghanaian team who will need to win at least one game against Australia or Serbia, and then tie the other team.

Serbia:

Yugoslavia, as the maps show, does not exist anymore. In its wake, two teams qualified for the 2010 World Cup: Slovenia and Serbia (Bosnia and Herzegovina lost 2-0 agg. to Portugal in the UEFA playoffs). To bring this statement home, Serbia did not have a team of its own until late 2006. It took no time at all to get back to the success that Yugoslavia had for decades. The Beli Orlovi bumped Group 7 favorite France without even beating them (0-1-1) by playing stellar defense and winning five straight games in the qualifying stage. Considering the short amount of time Serbia had for this, it was a wonderful victory for the country as France was forced into the playoff against Ireland while their home team got to sit at home and watch the French ~~cheat their way~~ slip past the Irish. Fueling the great defense is Man U’s Nemanja Vidic, who was the 2008-09 English Premier League’s player of the season. Success is certainly not guaranteed, however. Winning their group was impressive, but Ghana cruised their group, Australia didn’t break a sweat and Germany could have played on one foot and still qualified thus getting out of this group will be a great challenge. Likely, a loss is going to be delivered by Germany, but the game against Ghana and Australia is going to be their tournament. A win over Australia could happen, but a rapidly improving Ghana may be a tough matchup.

Predicted Tables:

Germany 2-0-1

Ghana 1-0-2

Australia 0-1-2

Serbia 0-2-1

A Call for Order Re: Fouls

2010-05-27T10:54:00.003-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Enough. Please. For the love of all that is holy, stop.

Please make a "how-to" manual for reffing the NBA playoffs. This really only applies to the East Coast series. The West Coast games I've been watching were pretty solidly refereed, with the referees intervening only when needed, allowing the slashers to get to the basket and not calling such incredibly ticky-tack contact fouls. Those folks should be applauded, or at the very least, hat tipped.

I swear this is the last time I'm going to complain because I think we all know how bad they are. But, two things really stick out of late. First, the NBA upgraded Dwight Howard's elbow to Kevin Garnett's "head" to a Flagrant-1, giving him two of the requisite four points in the Flagrant Bank required for suspension. Second, barring overturning a T, the NBA will have Kendrick Perkins suspended for one game for accruing 6 technical fouls.

Try as I might, it seems nobody has a video of this foul that was allegedly so bad. That's probably because nothing happened. Scene: after a missed bucket by someone on the Celts (it might have been Big Ballerina)...

AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING. PLEASE QUIT WITH THE "GLEN DAVIS IS SOOOO AGILE FOR A BIG MAN" TALK. LOOK, THE DUDE THROWS AROUND HIS FAT AND WRECKS EVERYTHING HE COMES ACROSS. LAST TIME I CHECKED, AGILE MEANT DEXTEROUS AND ABLE TO AVOID THINGS. IF YOU HAVE EVER WATCHED THIS MAN PLAY, YOU WILL CONCLUDE THAT IT IS NIGH IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM NOT TO HIT ANYTHING.

Anyhow, after a missed bucket at the 6:29 mark of the 3rd quarter, Dwight gets a board with his M elbows (you know, from the Y-M-C-A hand motions). KG, who was behind Dwight at the time, starts running down the court as Dwight simultaneously turns to pass the ball upcourt. Dwight turns and brushes KG unintentionally and gets called for a foul after KG realizes he was touched and acts like he got hit in the head with a hammer.

First, there's no way this could have been flagrant because KG was behind Dwight at the time. Unless Dwight has eyes in the back of his head, he didn't see KG coming. Second, as bullish as Dwight is, he wasn't about to get a flagrant on KG for something as trivial as he did. If Dwight Howard wants to foul you flagrantly, he will. (Aside: that should have been a Flagrant 2. Having watched Dwight as long as he's been in the NBA, he very clearly meant to foul hard there. That goes beyond the Bill Laimbeer style of play. He meant to do some harm.) Third, all this was is a favor to the Celtic players for endlessly whining when they get called for the exact same shit they do to everyone else.

That being said...

There's no way Perkins should have gotten the second technical last night. He didn't even look like he mouthed off or said anything to Eddie Rush. Whatever he said to Joey Crawford (recognize a common trend in these bad ref stories?) must have really hurt his feelings, but not enough to challenge him to a fight. As much as I rag on Perk, he got a really raw deal last night on that second one.

However, I do take exception to what Doc Rivers said about Perk not being at fault because of the preponderance of the technicals being double technicals. As they'll tell you quite often in my field, correlation does not necessarily equal causation, but at some point, you've got to call a trend a trend. The Celts have a lot of uncoordinated, bullish big men (Perk, Davis, Scalabrine, who is inactive, Shelden Williams), so we can expect a lot of technicals and double technicals because that's what their job is: go out, let everyone else score, and you do the dirty work of rebounding and mixing it up. It's not like Perkins and Davis are going to remind anybody of Channing Frye and Dirk Nowitzki. They're simply not the same type of player and nowhere near the same kind of fluidity. Shit happens, Doc.

Having said that, I expect the NBA to grant Perk some clemency and wipe out the 2nd of 2 technicals. The NBA is a bit reluctant to wipe out the technicals where the player mouths off to the ref (to protect their employees), but there was no basis for that second one. Given that Big Bumblebee is probably out after trying to take his first steps last night. (Also not a flagrant/technical foul. At some point, you will lower your arms on the way down. It's not like it was a top rope elbow drop.)

This is the last column I (hopefully) will write about the refs. No more than is deserved, I swear.

Why it's hard to hate Ozzie Guillen

2010-05-26T15:59:00.006-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

Goodness knows he says a great deal of stupid things, and he manages his team similar to how a belligerent drunk who watches the game at a bar would, but he'll always have a place in my heart for bring the overly animated 3rd base coach for the Marlins in 2003.

Oh, and he regularly does stuff like this:

Thanks Ozzie (and the Dan LeBatard Show for the pic) for signing a ball for a Cleveland Indians fan last night (Chicago is in the Cleve) with a wonderfully dickish, yet hilarious, message. The "LoL" takes it from great to borderline legendary.

2010 World Cup Group C Breakdown

2010-05-25T12:53:00.002-04:00

Group C, on paper, looks to be have the biggest difference between the “haves” and “have nots.” Soccer superpower England is the marquis team in the group and World Cup regular the United States will look to get out of the group stage, but the other two teams, Slovenia and Algeria promise to make the group interesting.

Algeria:

The Desert Foxes (a very cool name) were the most dominant team in Africa during the 1980s. They qualified in 1982 and even upset West Germany 2-1. What followed was one of the worst acts ever done in the tournament’s history, when in the last game of the groups stage, Germany and Austria played each other. A 1-0 win by Germany would ensure that they would go to the group stage with Austria, who already clinched their spot. That is exactly what happened with Austria giving up an easy early goal 10 minutes in followed by 80 minutes of enthusiastic passing and kicking the ball out of bounds. In 1986, Algeria went to the World Cup again but was stuck in a group with Brazil and Spain. It did not go well for them. Unfortunately this year’s installment, Algeria disappeared from the world scene becoming a cellar dweller in Africa. Making the Cup in Africa isn’t what it used to be, it is very challenging to do so and Algeria should be commended for qualifying, but to qualify, Algeria needed to play a tiebreaker with Egypt to make it in. They won every game at home, but they were less than stellar on the road. Unfortunately for the Desert Foxes, the World Cup is not being played in Algeria. They look to have trouble against England and the US and will race Slovenia for last in the group.

England:

New coach Fabio Capello looks to have his squad more than ready to come into the 2010 World Cup with success in mind. In qualifying, they lit up opposing teams in their group for a UEFA zone high total of 34 goals in ten games. They only lost once, to the Ukraine, well after they had qualified. The group stage was kind the Three Lions, with their biggest competition in the group being the US. England has no shortage of incredible players. Names like Rooney, Lampard and Gerrard will certainly be the cornerstones of the English effort names like Jermaine Defoe could be the X factor who could spearhead their success. The only concern is recent play on the big stage. Putting it lightly, they have underwhelmed at world’s biggest tournament. They haven’t won a Cup since 1966, when they hosted it, and in 2002 and 2006, they fizzled out in the quarterfinals (though in 2006, terrible officiating may have helped that). There is a great deal of pressure, as always, on this team. And recent events with a certain player and a certain player’s wife (and certain goings ons) may have lead to instability. Getting to the round of 16 should be no problem. Taking out Algeria and Slovenia should be easy tasks, and the opening game against the United States will likely decide the group winner.

Slovenia:

Considering before 1991, Slovenia did not have a team at all, they should be applauded for making the Tournament for the second time. They should be applauded even more for taking out solid teams like the Czech Republic, Poland and Russia along the way. To get by Russia, they needed to play a 2 leg series with the Russians and beat them on away goals. They scored one in Moscow late in the game, and then shut out the Russians at home giving an aggregate of 2-2, but with Slovenia scoring the coveted away goal. This shouldn’t be so surprising considering how they qualified. Slovenia gave up an amazing 4 goals in all of qualifying. This stalwart defense is what they will rely on in South Africa for success. And they will be called upon playing against England’s strong attack and the US’s athletes. Despite their impressive route to qualification, it is unlikely that they will perform well enough to get by England of the United States. But a victory against Algeria would not be at all surprising.

United States:

The United States, in 2006, had an incredible amount of promise going into the World Cup. They had a top 10 FIFA ranking, but got places in the group of death. A crushing loss to the Czechs followed by a tough loss to Ghana lead to their early exit. Success on the international stage is crucial, many people believe, for the United States to finally embrace the sport as it is embraced abroad. Success in 2010 is tangible, but not guaranteed. The Stars and Stripes cruised through qualifying, but with Mexico being the only other power in the region, this was no surprise. Players going over to Europe to play have brought back solid play and have raised the level of play of their team. The 2009 Confederations Cup saw the US bring down #1 in the world Spain and then almost take away first place until Brazil mounted a massive comeback. What is usually the problem for the team is scoring. The team plays a physical brand on defense but has issues putting the ball in the back of the net. Playing teams like Slovenia and England will not help fix that fact. A win over Algeria should come, and a win against Slovenia could come if patience is shown. The game against England, on June 12^th to open their campaign will be a tough start. Playing intelligently could lead to a draw. Drawing with England would be hailed almost as victory and building on that momentum could see a run deep into the tournament. Or they could do what they did in 2006 and lay an egg. Patriotic feelings are stirring to hope for the first option.

Predicted Tables:

England 2-0-1

United States 2-0-1

Slovenia 1-2-0

Algeria 0-3-0

Old(er), Unathletic Folks Throw Complete Game Shut Out, Blank Harvey Dent 9-0

2010-05-24T17:00:00.006-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

[Note: nothing in this article should be considered to be legal advice of any sort. It is merely the recitation of an opinion held by the author about a current event.]

Okay, so I know a while ago we posted that there would not be any more politics on the site. Well, this isn't so much about partisan politics as it is about something that's happened this morning.

Today, the Supreme Court unanimously ruled in favor of American Needle, Inc. in their lawsuit against the NFL. If you're not familiar, here's a brief summary. American Needle makes hats with logos on them (they are licensed). The NFL gives Reebok exclusive rights in 2001 for making hats (among other things). American Needle sues under the Sherman Anti-Trust Act S 1 & 2, alleging that all 32 teams are acting in conspiracy to monopolize the licenses. American Needle loses. They appeal. They lose again. American Needle and the NFL both appeal to the SCOTUS, ANI seeking a reversal and the NFL seeking the coveted anti-trust exemption, possessed currently by only Major League Baseball (at least in the sports world). They bicker. Judges listen. They rule. And today, they publish.

Put legally, we have the question

"...whether an arrangement is a contract, combination, or conspiracy is different from and antecedent to the question whether it unreasonably restrains trade." American Needle, Inc. v. National Football League, 560 U.S. ____ (2010).

Put more simplier, are NFL teams able to engage in anti-trust behavior (because 32 entities are acting in concert to restrict licensing) or are they a solitary, unified business that does not compete with each other (in terms of trying to get market share, revenues, etc), but with outside leagues?

Apparently, the former. The NFL had a reasonable position, at any rate. They argued that nothing was being done differently than what happens in the NFLPA's collective bargaining agreements (I think...). Also, just because there is evidence of acting in concert doesn't make something a monopoly. In fact, there is a heightened pleading standard when it comes to anti-trust cases like these. "When allegations of parallel conduct are set out in order to make a [section] 1 claim, they must be placed in a context that raises a suggestion of a preceding agreement, not merely parallel conduct that could just as well be independent action." Bell Atlantic Corp. v. Twombly, 550 U.S. 544, 557 (2007). Bully on American Needle for finding enough to get the case to go through.

Quickly, let's look at the fallout:

1. This is not really a pyrrhic victory for AN, but the fight is not over yet. Since the case was reserved and remanded (back to the lower court), American Needle now has to prove that the exclusive agreement unreasonably restrains trade under the Rule of Reason advocated in Standard Oil Co. of NJ v. U.S., 221 U.S. 1. Surprising though it may be to most folks, monopoly power is not in and of itself illegal, so AN still has to show they'd be harmed and that the NFL's restriction is the cause.

2. Expect to see baseball a little more cooperative when the government comes calling. This case may be enough for the government, when and if it gets pissed, to pull the anti-trust exemption MLB currently enjoys. In fact, I would think this gets removed sooner rather than later, but the trick will be finding someone with proper standing to sue.

3. This is a huge defeat for the NCAA, I think, moreso than any other organization of sports not named MLB. The NCAA, as the administrative body of the 300+ member schools of collegiate athletics, would have stood to make a pantload if they could corral the revenues generated by some schools (e.g. UF, Texas). This would essentially have locked in every college to do exactly what the NCAA says if schools cannot make money off of their own licensed gear, since it would control all of the money in college sports. Ironic, though, that this is exactly the same argument used by those who would advocate paying collegiate athletes (e.g. allowing use of their names by default in NCAA xx). While I don't think "QB #15" will be going away anytime soon, it just strikes me as funny that the big time schools didn't speak up against ruling in favor of the NFL because of how much they had to lose and, in the process, lowering the NCAA's already low credibility.

4. I agree with Deadspin's analysis that the NFL doesn't lose, so much as it just fails to win.

5. I disagree, however, with Deadspin's last point about Madden 20xx and agree more with PointofLaw's analysis on point. He says it more succinctly than I could. To quote and reprint:

Update: Deadspin suggests (h/t W.C.) that the ruling will affect exclusive deals with videogame makers. Not so. For example, the Madden series reflects not just deals for the team trademarks, but for the NFL trademarks and the NFLPA rights, which are unaffected by the ruling. Sure, Jerry Jones could individually sell the rights to a Dallas Cowboys game that doesn't mention the NFL or the other 31 teams or any of the players' names, but who is going to buy those rights? And that's before one gets to the Rule-of-Reason analysis that a videogame is much more valuable with all 32 teams' trademarks than with just 31 of them.

That's the nail in the coffin, I think.

So, why did American Needle win this case? I believe, at the heart of it, because the NFL is not centrally planned. Teams do compete within the organization against each other, for example, with free agents. The results of the games are not fixed (the NBA's are, though. BURN!). With respect to merchandising, I believe the SCOTUS was diligent in narrowly tailoring this ruling to merchandise. Though, I do also agree to an extent with this position, that some monopolistic, single-entity powers are ultimately better for the NFL (trickling down to the players also, especially with revenue distribution).

In the end, the impact of a decision for either party wouldn't have been as bad as projected, especially in light of the narrow tailoring of the decision (no pun intended). This won't be the end of sports as we know it, but don't confuse that point; a victory for the NFL would have been more impactful than the present ruling. Nor will the NFLPA et. al have vastly more power than they did before. The NFL could restructure itself to soften or completely mitigate this blow; an example might be declaring that an official Tampa Bay Bucs hat must have both the NFL shield and the TB logo.

Anyway, that's my take and sorry if not all of it makes sense. I am not a lawyer. Yet.

[Note 2: Again, nothing above constitutes legal advice or even sound reasoning.]

Hustle

2010-05-21T11:49:00.002-04:00

by Red Herring

We tolerate many things in our professional athletes. From DUIs to sexual assault allegations to murdering dogs. (Fuck you Michael Vick you walking piece of shit I hope you die in a fucking fire.) But one thing that we don’t tolerate is lack of effort. You can be almost anything you want to be outside the lines, but the second your feet hit that playing field you better be giving everything you’ve got. Hanley Ramirez is paying the price for not giving everything he had during a game. Just like the old rule, “if you think you might be gay then you’re gay.” If a player is ever accused of giving questionable effort it’s because he wasn’t trying.

As a people we are extremely forgiving. Get drunk and drive, that’s ok as long as you don’t kill anyone. Have sex with a woman in the bathroom at a bar? Well that’s your word against hers and I guess we have to give you the benefit of the doubt. Be a barbaric asshat and murder dogs in as many ways as you can? FUCK YOU VICK YOU SHITBURGER I HOPE A FUCKING ELEPHANT USES YOU AS A HUMAN SIZED SUPPOSITORY. I mean, give a half-hearted press conference where you say you’re sorry and we’ll let the whole thing slide. But Han-Ram didn’t even have the intelligence to do that, instead when asked about being benched he had a temper tantrum where he said his manager doesn’t know shit about baseball because he didn’t play in the majors. Ramirez has realized that the public wasn’t going to put up with his petulant attitude and has since issued an apology but once you do something like this no one forgets about it. Anyone remember how popular Roberto Alomar was before he spit in that umpires face? No, what everyone remembers is a guy spitting in the umps face on national television. Guess what Hanley, this was your Waterloo and unfortunately you just played the part of Napoleon.

So long popular Han-Ram, we hardly knew ya.

Fuck you Vick.

2010 World Cup Group B Breakdown

2010-05-20T13:26:00.002-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

Group B in the 2010 World Cup promises one thing: Anarchy. Argentina is the headliner in the group, but deciding a number two team between South Korea, Greece and Nigeria is not an easy task. Nor will it be easy to qualify in this group, as there is no team that is an easy target to destroy.

Argentina:

Lead once again by their country’s biggest sports hero, Diego Maradona, the Argentineans look to be primed to win this group with style and ease… but that is only on reputation and talent. Looking at Argentina's qualifying, you'll see that they needed to scrap together 2 wins to qualify for the World Cup for the 10^th time in a row after dropping games late in qualifying to Paraguay and Brazil and they suffered positively crushing (and confusing) loss to Bolivia 6-1 earlier in process. Argentina, like France, is a team loaded with talent who only needs to qualify to be a potential winner, so we will leave their qualifying woes at that. We will also ignore international super duper mega star Lionel Messi’s lack of success on the international field (he is a destroyer of worlds for Barcelona). Putting it plainly, Argentina will require Messi to retain his form from league play and Maradona needs to get his players in line for the month long tournament. In a country that lives and breathes for their home team’s success, perhaps Maradona is the perfect coach for the team as no one else knows about success in the magnifying light of the world’s biggest event. They will cruise to the round of 16 in style.

Greece:

After winning the 2004 Euro Cup, Greece had high hopes for 2006’s World Cup. Those hopes were not even remotely realized thanks to a pitiful qualifying campaign. 2008’s Euro Cup was not much better. Now that Greece has qualified for the 2010 Cup (their first since ’94), they are hoping to spark whatever created their run in 2004. Greece’s qualifying wasn’t pretty, but they qualified after dispatching the Ukraine in the playoffs 1-0 (agg). Greece will certainly be looking toward erasing their first and only trip to the World Cup from the history books with a successful run. In 1994, Greece laid an egg by losing to Bulgaria, Argentina and Nigeria by an aggregate of 0-10. Yes, zero goals scored, ten goals surrendered. Greece is far better now, and they have to be inspired by the recent fracturing of their country thanks to miserable economic issues, and even more they would surely like some Cup revenge against Argentina and Nigeria. They feature the highest scoring player in Euro qualifying, Theofanis Gekas, and their coach Otto Rehhagel is most certainly not short in experience. Greece has the ingredients for success, but will they put it together like in 2004. Argentina will likely roll over them, but Nigeria and South Korea will be firefights. In the end, it’s hard to see them beating both Nigeria and South Korea, but at least this time… they’ll score a goal.

Nigeria:

In 1994, Nigeria shocked the soccer universe by beating Bulgaria 3-0 to open up the ’94 World Cup and then going on to come within 1 minute in qualifying time to make it to the Round of 8. In 1998, the Super Eagles had another successful run. Unfortunately in 2002, they got drawn into the group of death and didn’t make it out. In 2006, they didn’t qualify. They hope to see a reversal of this downward arc in 2010. Qualifying didn’t make that feeling strong in any way, shape or form. They needed a semi miraculous upset of Tunisia by Mozambique to bail them out from a slow start in the final round of qualifying and a come from behind 3-2 win in Kenya to seal the deal. Nigeria has plenty of European based talent to build upon on their squad, but youth may be an issue. The old guard who took them to 3 straight Cups are almost all gone at this point, so the Super Eagles will need to be held steady as they play superpower Argentina to open the tournament. If Argentina were to flex their muscles, it will be on their veterans to keep the wheels from falling off the bus. Success is hardly a guarantee, but a win and a draw against the smaller teams in their group could lead to a backdoor to the Round of 16. And seeing as how this is Africa’s first Cup, there is no telling if Nigeria will become a secondary favorite by the locals. That would be a huge boost to this young team.

South Korea:

If forced to guess how many times consecutively South Korea has qualified for the World Cup, how many guesses would it take for you to get to seven? It’s not that this team lacks talent, it’s that other than their homegrown super run in the 2002 World Cup (played in their backyard and they got a little help from blind refs), the Taeguk Warriors had a tendency to get steamrolled before their successful run. 2006 saw a near miss to the Round of 16, so being South Korea appears to have shaken the jitters plaguing them in previous campaigns and they will look to keep it going in 2010. They qualified with ease but they had 3 ties with their eternal enemy, North Korea, who also qualified (but they are expected to get obliterated out of the tournament to the point where one expert said the best case scenario for them “not to come in dead last place.” More on that in group G). Korea has been sending more players abroad and the quality of their play is directly correlated to that, but will they be able to secure a victory from Nigeria or Greece? I vote no. This group is not a good matchup for the Koreans, like in 2002 where they had the Americans and a weakened Portugal to get by, and their results will reflect that.

Predicted Tables

Argentina 3-0-0

Nigeria 1-1-1

Greece 0-1-2

South Korea 0-2-1

A Running Account of the ECF, Game 2

2010-05-19T10:21:00.004-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Note: this account makes no semblance of impartiality. It isn't an issue most of the time, but I do have a stake in the outcome, so it isn't fair and balanced or anything, but I do try and give credit when it is due.

1st Quarter

11:17 – One thing that bugs me quite a bit is how bad the C’s flop and act. Paul Pierce got stabbed 10 times in the kidney or back or whatever it is. You so much as breathe on him now and he hits the deck like an Italian soccer player. Which is it, Paul?

11:01 – Putting Kendrick Perkins, Dwight Howard, and Shaq in a China shop, who can walk the furthest without breaking anything? I submit this to the commentariat.

10:50 – Nice to see Vince off to a good start. He is really coming up strong in his first conference finals, but as we've all suspected, he probably just doesn't have what it takes to lead a team by himself. [Note: Boy, will I regret those words later.]

10:34 – Great point by Jeff Van Gundy about not whining. It's been whoever plays the Magic and Dwight Howard getting in the biggest pissing contests this postseason. Whining leads to paternal calls by the referees. Shut up and play.

9:57 – Liking both team’s defensive efforts so far.

9:18 – Barnes’ defense is electric right now. SVG must have put him and/or Vince on up-front duty. They don't move that Tercel with the transmission problems and they're riding the pine, which will then be converted to sawdust to put in the engine. SVG - he is nothing if not crafty.

8:15 – Rajon Rondo = Starvin Marvin?

6:45 – Dwight is most effective when he just goes straight up. His offense and footwork is not good enough to consistently do this spinning nonsense. Let's just say he won't be performing Swan Lake anytime soon.

5:55 – Down goes Rondo with what appears to be a bad case of "Owwie, I hurted my head."

5:33 – Pierce usually gets that foul call where he throws himself into the defender. Surprised the refs held back.

3:41 – The Twin Towers (Dwight and Marcin Gortat, everyone's favorite parrot) lineup has the potential to cause problems. It did during the regular season.

2:47 – What an awesome commercial for Jim Beam. Sadly, I'm not fat or have a hairy back, so I'm not her type. Also, on the following commercial, SKINNY SHAQ HOLY HELL.

36.5 – CALL A FOUL ON BOSTON. I DARE YOU. PLEASE. HOW MANY TIMES MUST MATT BARNES GET HIT?

2nd quarter

12:00 - After perusing the box score, Boston actually had more foul calls than Orlando (7 to 6) in the first quarter. I guess even the best of us lose track when they aren't shooting fouls.

9:54 – Blocked by a white guy. Take that, Glen. By no means is that trashing Gortat at all; he is a legit starting C for someone, perhaps as soon as next year.

7:00 – Michael Finley sighting…is this 2005? I also love how he left San Antonio because he wasn't getting playing time to go to Boston, where he still doesn't get any playing time.

6:17 – Look, Dwight. This is what happens when you go up every time without auditioning for Dancing With the Stars. Straight. Up. In the offseason, watch tapes of Hakeem, not Ewing (sorry, Coach).

Commercial for Miller Lite – If some bartender talks to me like that, I’m decking her and not tipping. I didn’t ask for your god damn opinion on what beer I get. I’m paying for the pouring, not for the commentary. Probably more offensive is that this commercial leads us to believe that Miller Lite tastes good (it doesn't). This coming from a guy who has swilled down multiple American macrobrews in his day.

[Note: Something I didn't even pick up on until I found that page linking the commercials. From their comments:

I am a woman, and when I watch these commercials, the guys come off as friendly and attractive to me, whereas I am kind of blown away by how mean the bartenders are. And mean about Miller Lite of all things! I wonder if these ads are effective for their target audience?

And the reply:

Well, they act as a complement to the Miller High Life commercials, where the black truck driver (and I think that I could well be important that the character is portrayed by a black actor) gets out of his truck, goes into up-scale restaurants and bars, and takes back all the Miller, because they are selling it for too much money.

That these commercials (High life and Lite) both portray the Miller purveyors as mean-spirited seems to be speaking to a general theme in their marketing campaign.

Spot on. I don't think the black guy from the High Life commercials is doing it to be mean, but still, condescending is Miller Brewing Co's raison d'etre. Little Brother Syndrome, Miller?]

5:54 – Good Lord, even JVG is talking about Hanley Ramirez. Literally no one immune from the VG boys criticisms, as the Chicago Bulls organization will attest.

5:18 – Gotta wonder if things are getting desperate to talk about Scalabrine.

4:45 – Awful, awful T. There is no reason to call that whatsoever. Joe DeRosa's crew is making this game unwatchable. [Note: What an understatement. Check back later.]

4:16 – Well, can’t say I didn’t see that coming. Someone was gonna get a flagrant on some side out of sheer frustration. Doesn't surprise me that it's Dwight. Doesn’t change the fact that for EITHER TEAM, that’s a boneheaded play right now.

3:44 – This is such a poorly reffed game. It’s unbelievable.

2:30 – I'm taking umbrage with the commentators right now. Don’t go thinking that Pierce is going off because of that flagrant. He’s been doing that all half. Or have you not been watching this game?

1:38 – The SVG face is back. You know the type.

Halftime Impressions – This game is getting out of hand with the fouls. The players are slightly to blame. They do commit the acts anyhow. The refs are nearly entirely to blame. There was a foul on every meaningful possession it seems. Vince’s T was indefensible. It figures that Dwight would get the boiling over foul. Once again, Orlando coming out slow and not responding. We'll see if they perk up.

Basketball is not basketball. Sorry, WNBA.

3rd Q

10:56 – Nice alley oop to get started.

10:43 – And Pierce goes down like he got stabbed again. What happened to the Paul Pierce that shrugged off the minor contact and still got the calls? I'd be happy to see him again.

10:19 – All ball. Again, we resume the bad reffing.

9:xx (lost track of time) – Vince doing too much with the fade away. Start attacking the basket again.

7:59 - Apparently, before halftime, Joe DeRosa (the head ref) threw a ball at a fan.

I can’t believe the fan got ejected for returning the ball. That pretty much seals how awful this game has been. First of all, the ref started it by throwing the ball at the guy. Second, what was the fan supposed to do? Keep the ball? He would have been in a good degree more trouble that way. The refs have to hear it from the front row fans all the time. What makes this chump any more special than, say, everyone else in the arena who was booing him?

Jeff Van Gundy blaming the fan boggles the mind. Sorry, Jeff, you're dead wrong here. Just because this guy was closer than most folks to be able to yell what he's thinking within earshot of the ref in no way excuses the referee - the arbiter of the game! - losing his cool. This guy should be suspended for the remainder of the playoffs, if not fired.

2:36 – Dwight Howard, in the offseason, needs to leave his phone at home, take only what he can carry, and go get a log cabin or something. Seriously. The Magic are a team that has a lot of negative energy all the time, mostly from the Head Coach. Dwight's tantrums are affecting everyone out there. Please, Dwight. Stop whining and play the game. After you clubbed Pierce, he got carried away, yelled a couple times, then went right back to business.

1:17 – Rashard is wilting like he did in the Finals last year. Good thing he's only signed to the mid-level exception. Wait, what?

4th Q

10:00 - Well, let’s see if they can make it a game. If Orlando cares, it will get close.

8:xx – This game is just ugly. Basketball is basketball, I guess?
7:44 – Was that really a moving screen? I have my doubts. There is no consistency to these calls at all.

6:57 – Is JJ the smartest player on the floor for Orlando now? [Note: Things I type that I will regret later upon posting, volume 2 - that.]

Commercial – how typical is this game for both squads? Orlando gets hit in the nose by the refs and they whine like children. Boston can’t help but make the game interesting in the 4th Q.

4:24 – Gotta run the O through Dwight now. Kick the ball into him and see what Boston does. Collapse and pass out. Space out and go strong. They're not making shots, so here's your chance.

3:35 – They took the lead. God bless ‘em.

2:20 – Redick shows some surprising athleticism and gets by KG only to have a bad charge called. First, it wasn't a charge at all; it was definitely a blocking foul. Second, JVG says there was a foul on KG with the reach-in; I'd agree, but I'd also not fault the refs for the no-call, as I have been railing against ticky-tack calls all game. C’est le jeu ("That is the game").

31.9 – Hats off to Pierce. Great game for him.

30.6 – Ouch. Big 2 misses by Vince. Nick Anderson part 2.

Conclusion – In between the referees blowing whistles, we had a basketball game tonight. I can’t say I’m surprised with the result. Orlando once again played up to snuff in Q4, but started off slow as usual. It seems Boston is doing just enough to win. Typical game for both sides, like I said earlier.

While I want to get really mad at Redick for messing up that timeout situation, he played extremely well for most of tonight. While I want to get mad at Vince for missing the two free throws, he played well for most of tonight. The guy I am going to criticize is Rashard Lewis, who again is disappearing on a big stage. Essentially, we have the same C's team as last year, except with a vastly improved Rajon Rondo. I know you put up some stinkers in the Finals, but you played pretty well last year against the C's in that series. Find that Rashard and make sure he shows up. Ryan Anderson not getting any burn is ridiculous. He had more of a pulse on the bench than Rashard did for a long time.

The series isn't over, but it's a pretty tall order. We'll find out what the Magic are made of pretty soon, whether they are a Tercel from SVG's lot or a full blown Maserati.

Things I Hate

2010-05-18T19:10:00.001-04:00

By Red Herring

The use of the word hero or term warrior or any other synonym when referring to an athlete:

Hitting a homerun a hero does not make. Gaining an extra yard to convert the fourth and 2 and essentially win the game even though there is still 2 minutes left in the game does not make you a soldier. It might make you clutch, or money, or solid. But it doesn’t make you a hero. Bottom line on this one, if you play a game that children play on a regular basis playing said game does not make you a warrior. (this doesn’t apply to those children who reside in Detroit or Chicago, their games do actually involve life and death, unfortunately.) Get over yourself, you play a game for my enjoyment and the world would go on with or without you.

People trying to explain why an athlete does something stupid :

Stupid people can be good at things. Sports is an excellent example. Lenny Dykstra stock picking genius anyone? Are you stupid? Can you hit a baseball? This qualifies you to be an investment guru. Athletes being stupid is an American institution. Apple pie, Chevrolet and stupid jocks. So when a very rich moron does something stupid we cannot be surprised, or try to explain it away. It happened because you took one part idiot and one part shitload of money and put the two together. Your favorite athlete may be great at sports, but he is not necessarily good at life. Get over it.

Your lucky anything:

Guess what, unless you happen to root for the most current champion in any given sport and your lucky charm is only a season old it isn’t a lucky charm. It is a trinket that has absolutely no connection to the outcome of any game. UNLESS the lucky trinket belongs to me, in that case it is absolutely positively necessary that I follow the same ritual if it worked in a prior occurrence. If I move my chair and Mo blows a save, it is on me. If I lean a certain way when I fart and after that Tex hits a homerun guess which way I’m leaning every team he comes up to bat and I have the urge to let off a little steam? If the Gators win a game when I have a certain shirt on it will be on every time until the Gators lose a game. But your lucky stuff? All shit.

More to come…

2010 World Cup Group A Breakdown

2010-05-18T13:16:00.001-04:00

By Slate Quicksilver

Group A will fire the opening salvoes in this World’s largest tournament with the first two games. Host South Africa will open the festivities against the seasoned veterans of Mexico and immediately after that, long absent Uruguay will take on powerhouse France later in the evening. It’s not exactly the Group of Death, but it will offer some great games. Here’s a quick breakdown of each team:

South Africa:

For South Africa, their tickets were punched when they won the nomination to host the tournament so we can’t really get a true feel for how they will perform on the world’s biggest stage. They didn’t have to fight their way through the Confederation of African Football qualifying, which has become the third toughest Federation behind Europe and South America. However, if we go by play in previous Cups, there isn’t much to go behind. They have one win in 6 games. Even worse, their best striker, Benni McCarthy isn’t on the roster. If there was any hope for the hosts, it would be that the host countries are almost always boosted by the home crowd cheering them on. To name a few, England, Argentina and France have won in front of their home crowds. In 2002, South Korea (co hosting) came from nowhere and finished 4^th in the whole tournament. Could South Africa follow in their footsteps? Yours truly says an emphatic “No.”

France:

In Germany, during the last Cup, France was a headbutt away from potentially winning the whole thing. OK, maybe not. Barring Zidane’s headbutt, there is still no guarantee Les Bleus would have ripped the net during the remaining overtime or if he were in the shootout, he would have tipped the scales in their favor. But that shows just how close the French were from storming into their mortal enemy’s (Germany) turf and lifting the most coveted prize in sports. Let’s ignore the fact they required the referees to assume temporary blindness to rob the Irish out of a slot in the tournament because a team this talented just needs to be there to be in the running (and remember they had issues qualifying in 2006). The 2010 version of France features a few upgrades from the 2006 team. Thierry Henry has assumed the captain’s armband and the midfield has Jeremy Toulalan and Lassana Diarra making it as solid as any team’s. France is likely to slip by Uruguay and Mexico, but will probably blast South Africa out of the tournament in the final match for the group.

Mexico:

Mexico certainly had to pull a rabbit out of its hat to qualify for the tournament. They only slipped by Jamaica in the 2^nd qualifying round on goal differential and then in the final round of qualifying El Tri needed to shake off a 1-2-0 start of the final round to qualify. Many agree that firing Sven Goran Eriksson in favor of their old coach, Javier Aguirre was the catalyst. Aguirre coached the Mexicans to the 2002 World Cup in similar circumstances: Mexico struggled, Aguirre came in, the ship got straightened and Mexico qualified. Efrain Juarez, Andres Guardado and Giovani dos Santos are the young players to keep an eye on, but Cuauhtemoc Blanco, who has been playing for the last 3 centuries or so, is back with the squad and promises to steady ship manned mostly very young (and skilled) Mexican players. Mexico’s tournament, more than likely, will be a fight with Uruguay. The winner probably will go to the round of 16. But they are playing South Africa in the opening game of the tournament. A South African team hopped up on emotions could be a trap game that could kill Mexico’s chances early.

Uruguay:

In 2001, Uruguay finished 5^th in the CONMEBOL qualifying. This meant they had to have to win a playoff to get in to the tournament, and they didn’t get the job done. In 2005, Uruguay finished 5^th in CONMEBOL qualifying. This meant they had to have to win a playoff to get in to the tournament, and they didn’t get the job done. In 2009, Uruguay finished 5^th in CONMEBOL qualifying. This meant they had to have to win a playoff to get in to the tournament, but this time they got the job done. They knocked Costa Rica with a 1-0 win on the road and then played a safe draw at home to punch their ticket. Luis Suarez and Diego Forlan make up one of the best 1-2 combos at striker and they will the key to how Uruguay performs. Those two scored 12 of Uruguay’s 28 goals in qualifying. Defense, however, is a question mark. La Celeste’s back line gave up 20 goals in qualifying including an embarrassing 4-0 loss at the hands of Brazil at home. As mentioned before, the second slot in this group will probably be decided by the Uruguay-Mexico match. That will be an exciting game and I see Uruguay slipping away in a high scoring game.

Predicted Table:

France 3-0-0

Uruguay 2-1-0

Mexico 1-2-0

South Africa 0-3-0

Who Nat? Tales of Struggling Clubs Doing Well This Year

2010-05-17T17:34:00.004-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Because I am a sucker for puns, I've made a new feature that will run whenever I think of a team that hasn't done well recently that is presently doing well this year (sorry, Pittsburgh. Probably not you.) The first up in our inaugural series is the namesake, the Washington Nationals.

Impressively enough, the Washington Nationals are sitting above .500 a little more than six weeks into the season. Adam Dunn is doing what he does best - be a three outcome batter. What I find fascinating, though, is where the Nationals offense ranks among the National League clubs. Would you believe that they are presently in the top 50% in average, OPS (and the two feeder categories, OBP and SLG), and in the top 3 of SB? We can probably attribute this to the surprisingly not-shitty play of Cristian Guzman, though to be fair that is mostly based off of his stinky performances in Minnesota. He's been serviceable for the Nats for the last two years.

Their middle of the order is pretty much the same as last year and are producing steadily. Ryan Zimmerman is putting up All-Star numbers (.330, 8 HR, 23 RBI through 37 games). Josh Willingham has been putting up comparable numbers (except average) and getting on base at a steady clip, almost at a Nick Johnson level (.413 OBP). Adam Dunn is, well, the posterchild of consistency. With about a 5% margin of error, his line will look something like 40 HR, 100 RBI, 110 BB, 100 R, and .245 BA. Every year. Some years (like last year), he bucks it up a bit in the batting average department, but you know what you're gonna get.

I think the real story is how the Nats have been winning without vastly improved starting pitching. Can you name the starting 5 for the Nats? I got three before I had to look up the other two. They are

John Lannan (L), Craig Stammen (R), Livan Hernandez (R), Scott Olsen (L), and Luis Atilano (R)

I think the staff of the 1989 Cleveland Indians had more names than this, and they were put together to be the worst team in the majors. You can probably point to Pudge Rodriguez's influence over this staff, as he always seems to coax a little more out of his pitching talent. Nobody on their is going to blow you away with their stuff...yet.

The 900 lb gorilla in the minors is, of course, Stephen Strasburg, destroyer of worlds, pillager of loot, and fast of pitcher. You've heard the hype. If he can come in and be about half as effective as he has been in the minors, the Nats suddenly become an interesting squadron. More interesting than they are now, at least. Add in potentially acquiring Roy Oswalt, as the hot rumor has it, or even Cliff Lee (should the Mariners fall out of it. Don't laugh.) and suddenly the punching bag is firing back with a right cross or two. They already have a strong (albeit overworked) bullpen with Capps and Clippard (7 wins!), and they just added Drew Storen (closer of the future) to get him some experience. A potential rotation of

Oswalt/Lee, Strasburg, Hernandez, Lannan, Olsen

and you might be onto something. Maybe not playoff contention yet, but certainly 70-80 wins.

To top it all off, you're holding the #1 pick with Bryce Harper waiting in the wings. The hype machine is certainly in force for the kid (with help from his official page). A quick YouTube search will bring up his monstrous home runs against clearly inferior competition. He is, no doubt, the most hyped catcher prospect since Joe Mauer (who, apparently, helps people get banned from Mexico). Signability can't be an issue if they got their way with Strasburg.

I'm not sure how long the Nats will remain in contention, but if their good fortune continues, we could see a return to 2005, where they eclipsed the 80 win mark. A little luck with their pitching prospects and potential trade partners and maybe they scuffle for the Wild Card for a couple weeks. I can't think of a Nats fan (I could stop the sentence right here) who would turn that down.

Is baseball back on the Beltway? You're definitely not rushing Storen and Strasburg up to the Majors to rebuild. You want to see what you got and strike while the bats are hot. If nothing else, tune in on or after Memorial Day to see the 100 MPH fastballs cranked out of the park or past some bats. Hopefully Strasburg doesn't aspire to be the next Kirk Hammett and injure himself cranking out some sweet 5 button solos.

Please Move All the Way Down the Row to Make Room for Everyone on the Bandwagon

2010-05-14T11:10:00.002-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

During Cavs/Celts Game 6 (more on that later), sometime during the 4th quarter during a pan to the crowd shot, an eagle eyed cameraman came across this gem of an adolescent.

Yikes. There are many things wrong with this picture. Let's break it down.

1. First, according to my diligent research of the last 20 minutes, this isn't even a jersey they actually wore. According to their press release from their official fan blog (linked here by J.E. Skeets), this is a "special colorized adaption of this season's Hardwood Classics retro uniform." That's a mouthful and a half.

I have no problem with throwback jerseys; some of them are ridiculously cool. Here's one for my team. Here's one that looks even better/more unintentionally hilarious in light of Denver's new stance on marijuana. And who among us wouldn't want to take a walk in this guy's well-traveled, often-replaced-because-he-gambles-them-away shoes? There's even a certain air of vintage about the maroon and gold Cavs jersey.

But, that's not what this kid did.

He has a "throwback" jersey from a year ago with colors that don't even pertain to his team. It was specifically rolled out slightly over a year ago as a marketing ploy. Cool. Though, I suppose he doesn't have a problem with being newly minted because...

2. He's wearing what appears to be a brand new Yankees hat.

Most baseball fans would agree that, up until last year really, there was no reason to wear a Yankees hat if you were jumping on the bandwagon. They hadn't won the World Series since 2000, were in fact defeated in 2001 and 2003, watched their rival Red Sox win two in that timespan, and generally were in a funk (by their standards) since the acquisition of A-Rod. That all changed last year when we now, regrettably, call Alex Rodriguez a World Series champion.

Surely, that young man struggled through 2004 and 2007, most especially 2004. That Dave Roberts steal must have really gotten in his craw to the point where he was teased mercilessly by those kids out on the playground for wearing the loser's colors the next day.

(pausing to recall 1995 Florida/Nebraska and then the next day)

I feel for him. Elementary school children are dicks. I know I was.

Wait, though, that hat is completely new. Nothing indicates it's ever been worn more than a dozen times, which isn't to say that couldn't be the case. Our best guess is that this hat has been worn in relative moderate climes (no sweat markings) and maybe he ran into a door while wearing it (check the discontinuity right over his left eye). I have a theory on why this is, but let me throw in a non-sequitur for a second.

3. Is that Rick Reilly staring all bug-eyed into the great beyond behind that kid? My personal guess is that it isn't, but you could definitely fool a few people at first, second, or even third blush. You could use a little more iodine for your thyroid problem, Mr. Behind-the-Bandwagoner.

Anyhow, my guess as to why the kid is dressing in that otherwise contemptible way for a sports fan to dress is...

4. He's doing it because that's precisely what he's seen LeBron James doing.

I can't begrudge the kid for having a sports hero, or even behaving like a kid does, what with all the marketing susceptibility. I've purchased pairs of basketball sneakers in my day, with my all-time favorite shoe ever being this one (how I wish I could find another pair!). That's not really where I find fault with that picture. I don't even fault LeBron for front-running a little bit, especially in light of his photo with Dr. Dre wearing his Red-Sox emblazoned BEATS headphones (which are a pretty quality product in and of themselves).

I suppose it ultimately boils down to how I feel about the average fan front-running. Yes, this is where a distinction lies. With the advent of free agency (a good thing), it is difficult for us to hold athletes to a strict allegiance standard. The days of playing for one team are very few and far between, and I have all the more respect for those who do stay with one team their whole career. More often than not, changing teams is strictly a business now; there's hardly anyone so affected by sports rivalries that they will refuse to go to a specific team (e.g. Brett Favre/MIN, Johnny Damon/NYY).

But the average fan? Sports is just an outlet, a hobby bordering on a membership in a group. Rarely should it ever be a business decision to abandon a rooting interest. There are a few exceptions that I feel warrant leaving a team, such as complete mismanagement of a team to the point of you renouncing allegiance (the Buffalo Bills would be a sterling example) or inheriting a team from your parents and then moving to a different market thus renouncing your old ties in favor of making new ones to the local team (e.g. someone born in NY who moves to, say, Seattle). These are acceptable reasons, though the latter one must be used with care, lest you find yourself bandwagoning. Military folks probably have a free pass on that, though, so long as they're on active duty.

The point is, I think it's fair to hold the average fan and the average or superstar athlete to a different standard, even if both parties abandoning a team simultaneously would evoke a different reaction from me. I try to live as principled a sports-fan's existence as possible, so maybe it's just me.

For that young man's punishment, he shall be drawn and quartered. Dually and duly noted.

[Ed's note: Wow, that went on longer than I thought. A quick thought about Game 6.]

Last night's game had to be one of the biggest disappointments I've ever experienced for a game in which I had no rooting interest. The game was officially over at the point last night - I want to say 6 minutes left in the 3rd - when Anderson Varejao was allegedly bleeding, stopped playing to attempt to get the clocked stopped while all 9 other players continued to go at it. By my message log, that was about 10:04 PM. I told Slate that I thought I was pressing more than LeBron was; I really was hoping for something to happen, but it didn't. Thus, it was a bigger letdown than usual. I won't pin the loss entirely on LeBron, although he could have been more efficient, his teammates played as if they had no hands.

Congrats to the Celtics; see you on Sunday.

World Cup World Cup World Cup

2010-05-13T14:31:00.004-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

In case you either haven't been watching ESPN in the last year or are like most other Americans, who have anti-soccer logic bias brainchips implanted in their lower cerebellums, the 2010 World Cup from South Africa is about to start in less than one month. July 11th was house the first game: South Africa versus Mexico. From there, world class soccer take place on for an entire month gripping the entire world in a real life human drama that transcends all racial, economic and political boundaries which... blablabla... is generally regarded as the world's biggest sporting event.

Thus I feel it necessary to talk to my American brethren about a few things we need to talk about to clear the air. I will respond to comments made by friends of mine who are not exactly fans of the beautiful game.

Concern #1: "Hey! Beating teams like Guatemala and El Salvador is good! They are Mexican, so they must be good at soccer! But then we go to the World Cup and we do terrible!"

Long Answer: First off, your lack of geographic knowledge is terrible. Watching the World Cup may teach you that yes, China and Japan are different countries and no, everybody who speaks Spanish is not Mexican. Secondly, we qualify by playing only teams in North and Central America (and the Caribbean). That includes teams like Belize, Haiti, Barbados, Bermuda and Montserrat. Yes, Montserrat, that island country that was turned into a fiery hellscape by a volcano that consumed more than half of the island. Yeah, they have a team too. Over in Europe, teams like England had to get through Croatia (ranked #9 in the world) and the Ukraine (ranked #25 in the world) to qualify. The US had to get through Trinidad and Tobago (ranked #91 in the world).

Short Answer: Our qualifying conference is the Sun Belt. Europe is the SEC. South America is the BigXII.

Concern #2: "Soccer is boring."

Long Answer: We all can agree that playoff hockey is about 50000x better than regular season hockey. This is because players are incredibly motivated. The game is faster, passes are crisper, hits are harder and mistakes are magnified so much more than a throwaway game in Nashville in December. World Cup games are played at the highest level of the game you will ever see. Players are playing not just for the pride of their nation, not just for the fact that for some players this is their only shot to prove to the world that they don't deserve to be stuck in playing in the Faroe Islands B League... they are playing because there is no bigger stage. The human drama that unfolds is incredible. Countries most would only here of in 7th grade geography become glorified when they win and countries who are dominant powers are shamed when they are taken down. And forget it when you have country-country drama. When Senegal beat defending champs France in 2002, it was an memorable moment. But then, it was the same Senegal who was under brutal French Colonial rule for centuries, which made the scenario even more earth shattering moment. And hello, the US is playing England to start our campaign on June 12.

Short Answer: International Soccer is 1000000x better than just about any other form of the game.

Concern #3: "I will only watch if we do good."

Long Answer: That could happen. Our team has looked good in qualifying, despite a few bumps, and we almost won the Confederations Cup. We beat former #1 in the world Spain soundly, and then we fought Brazil to a standing eight count until the last 25 minutes. Our team has finally embraced the international game, rather than our old style. **ALERT ALERT ALERT REAL SOCCER BREAKDOWN COMING IN 3... 2... 1...*** Our country has seen a shift in our players. We are sending more and more players overseas. That is a good thing. Learning to play in the British, German, Spanish, French and Portuguese leagues is positively fantastic for our players. As such, we have dumped the old style that we used to play: a slow build-up with players executing exact plays with little individualism. Think wishbone option football from the 1950s. We have now embraced the world scene's style of creativity, individualism and playing more physically. That means we aren't just putting our behemoths on defense and our speedsters at striker. We are playing a more open offensive style that attacks rather than a reactionary counterattack "offense" that requires other teams to make mistakes for us to capitalize. That old style worked fine against the likes of Haiti and Panama, meaning we would qualify, but against teams like the Netherlands, who do not make mistakes, we would get torched repeated. Anyway, our defense is strong and seasoned. Our offense is lead by a few world class players. Success isn't just possible, it is expected.

Short Answer: We are ranked #14 in world right now.

In the coming weeks I will run you through previews of each group and each team. The day before the tournament starts, predicted will be wildly thrown around.

The Longest Awaited Coronation Since the United Kingdom

2010-05-12T17:22:00.004-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Having played around with the NBA Playoff Predictor on ESPN for a time (with it being surprisingly cooperative), I got a sense of what the numbers (at least pre-playoff numbers) are saying about the 6 possible NBA Finals matches. To wit,

The Ratings Nightmare - ORL/PHX - 77% win percentage / 23% win percentage
The Rematch - ORL/LAL - 57 / 43
The Underdog Special - BOS/PHX - 36/64
The Two Years Ago Rematch - BOS/LAL - 36/64
The Curselifter - CLE/PHX - 64/36
The Ratings Bonanza - CLE/LAL - 60/40

A couple of things jump out at me:

1. These have to be pre-playoff numbers, even though the odds are continually updated with every passing game. You really expect me to believe that the Suns have a marginal chance with the way they're playing?

2. Steve Nash wants to eat your brains.
(Note: Picture only altered slightly.)

3. Cleveland must be a better team than they showed last night, which is what I mainly want to discuss.

By now, you surely fall into a camp about the "LeBacle". You know, the game yesterday where LeBron looked human and we all sorta felt bad for him, but not really because a) you're either an opposing team fan whose team may in some way benefit from Cleveland's absence in the playoffs or b) he's made a ton more money and is way more successful than you in every way already.

Myself, I fall into A. Or so I thought. If LeBron is as badly hurt as his performance showed me yesterday, then maybe it's more advantageous to meet the Cavs in a rematch. Mo Williams is providing about as much resistance as a turnstile right now at the PG spot, where Jameer has been dynamic so far in the postseason, a stark contrast to facing Rajon Rondo, who (while talented) has learned well from his days as a Kentucky Wildcat and Boston Celtic in becoming a world-class punk. More on that point here.

However, Boston's due to decline at some point. Orlando has a counter for Pierce and Allen, if Vince decides to show up. Perhaps the only more bullish C in the league would be opposite Dwight (Perkins). There's considerably more depth on the bench than last year. Jameer is effective enough on D to slow Rondo considerably.

Point is, Orlando is looking good to make a return trip to the Finals, no matter who is standing in the way. 27-3 since March 1, 14 game win streak, 8 playoff game win streak. There's lots to like about this team. All 5 starters have yet to show up in the same game and they've got answers for the adversity they've yet to face. I like them to win it as much as the numbers do.

I confess I don't know enough about the West Coast teams remaining. I know the Lakers were looking like garbage for a time and put it together against an overmatched Utah squad (who played LIGHTS OUT in that round). Phoenix finally got past that persistent roadblock known as San Antonio (the last night of the Spurs dynasty) and generally looks like a championship caliber team.

For the record, I think we get the Ratings Nightmare matchup in the Finals. What that indicates is that I, like many others, jumped the gun in giving Cleveland that long-awaited championship at the trade deadline. I think the thing that is most surprising is not LeBron's injury (alleged or otherwise) but in how Antawn Jamison (the big acquisition) has wilted more than Vince Carter did (is?). His numbers look good, not great, but his best game came in the Cavaliers blowout, when the outcome of the game wasn't in doubt. In other games, he's been putting up an average of 10 points, 6 boards, and 4 fouls. Not good for the supposed 2nd option.

At any rate, be sure to tune in to Game 6 on Thursday. I fully expect the Cavs to win, get back to Cleveland, and then get kicked in the balls for a crushing presumed end to the LeBron era.

Stupidity in Spades

2010-05-11T14:38:00.002-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

We missed a great in the month we took off. Anything is game in this opening salvo, but of all the things that occurred during our brief hiatus, nothing was more blatantly stupid than the whole uproar about Ben Roethlisberger. Nothing. Not the people who thought Tiger Woods's poor play was due to him not getting enough endorphins to his brain from less sex, not the NCAA basketball people flipping the general public and their mid majors the finger by increasing the field not to 96, but to 68... not even the return of Pacman Jones to the Bengals, who are clearly bored with winning... nothing has been as low grade, low frequency, single digit, abjectly asinine (good word) than what he has done and how the public has responded.

Sports Illustrated just pumped out a story that filled the front page and about 6 pages in the back of their latest issue trying to sum the whole thing up and perform a Sherlock Holmes-ian point by point breakdown to finger the culprit. Other sports outlets ranging from local talk show hosts to world-wide leaders in sports to tmz/sports blogs have exploded with coverage. By the night that Commissioner Goodell brought down the suspension, it wasn't just ESPN bringing you coverage, every news outlet in America was on it and even the BBC was covering the news.

The icing on all of those cakes came in the form of an article with a so many clueless stabs written under the guise of what people who think they are smart go crazy for: SCIENCE. I, for one, love science. Science is awesome. But there are some instances where science cannot explain things. No, I'm not talking about ghosts or aliens or God appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich in Tupelo, Mississippi. Science can explain those things easily. I'm talking about being unable to explain why a successful, young and rich and privileged person would turn into a douchenozzle of epic proportions. Science can't explain that.

A comparison to this can be found in the world of "Natural Cures." This guy, individually, has made a fortune beyond any of our wildest dreams preying not on the stupid, but on the semi-intelligent, by giving you half facts and circular logic to make you think that herpes can be cured with seaweed extract. The placebo effect is his lifeblood. Although I have an axe to grind with this guy (certain grandparents of mine spend half of their fixed income on his books and "cures" but are just as bad off health wise as they would be without him), he is the best comparison to someone trying to use SCIENCE to link a guy's poor behavior decisions.

Using the logic of "Guy gets in accident without helmet" + "Guy turns out to be a bit of a prick" + "Guy gets in trouble" + "Potential frontal lobe injury from accident" + "Frontal lobe injuries can lead to behavior swings", our wonderful author says that Big Ben has gone wild because of his head injuries. Correlation, in his world, does imply causation much to every statistician, scientist, lawyer and economist's chagrin.

What is the worst of all of this is that he brings in a doctor to explain it. A neurosurgeon, to be specific. The good doctor explains that frontal lobe injuries can cause issues because that's the part of the brain where the "decision center" is. "A person with damage might not read the intentions of a woman at a bar very well, for example," Grafman says. "They might succumb to more primitive urges instead of saying, 'I shouldn't do this because it affects my career.'" This attempt to legitimize his claims by having a doctor say something that backs him up makes the almost smart person jump out and think "Hey! I know things too! I know what a frontal lobe is, this is interesting. I will read on because I am getting smarter!" So now we have what is a stab in the dark claim backed up with words that don't mean much: "They might succumb..." Just like the snake oil salesman who makes you think that eating portobello mushrooms reduces your chance of kidney failure, a stab in the dark is made and the reader/viewer is the one who decides "Is that legit?" Having a doctor say something backing it up, that must make it seem legit (0:18 mark).

In the end, the article tries to link the accident to his behaviors. What it doesn't do is what many other articles, posts and tv segments dont do: blame it on him! Brain injuries, entitlement and being young and rich are all things that are blamed. I will add one more thing to that list. The dude needs to grow up. That's all. There is a whole class of gentlemen who are between 20 and 30 who would basically do the same exact thing that the QB for the Pittsburgh Steelers would: go nuts. It's about not wanting to grow up. It's about having the disposable income and lots of time on your hand. It's because you are athletic, have money and fame and having those things will have women throwing themselves at you anytime and anywhere... and knowing it. That's what it's about. The fact that this doesn't happen more is surprising. And the fact that it is a two time Super Bowl winning QB makes it bigger than it probably should be.

He doesn't need to be suspended and he doesn't need to go to "rehab" or seek "counseling." He needs someone to whack him upside the head and say "Look Asshat, you have the life billions would kill for. You are pissing it away trying to hit on college girls. Go find one girl who won't care if it's an open relationship and for God's sake if you get drunk, do it at home." That's what he needs and nothing more.

Attention

2010-05-10T23:25:00.004-04:00

by Staff

Ladies and gentlemen, we have earth shattering news: As of tomorrow this fine site will be back up and firing on all cylinders (all one of them). Life has returned to normal for our writers. Iroquois has returned from his self imposed exile St. Helena's Island over the allocation of proper nouns in Scrabble. Slate completed his circumnavigation of the world on his boat equipped only with a chronometer, small emergency kit, light fishing pole and a drop dead gorgeous young woman of Brazilian/German descent. Annie is in an undisclosed location but has re-established contact with her superiors. And Red helped complete 15 or more foreclosures on struggling middle class families in south Florida and is ready to be a human being again. (Fun Fact: Only one of those is actually maybe true!)

We are going back to that time honored tradition of structure here:
Iroquois has the site in his capable hands on Mondays and Wednesdays.
Slate will drive the site on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Annie will show up whenever she pleases.
Red will write something that we will get it up after 3 days of editing.

So folks, tell all of your friends: "Potluck Sports is back!" And for your prize: An Early 90s megababe!

She knows we're back and is all dressed up for the occasion

Tomorrow, Slate's going to go nuts over how powerfully stupid the whole Ben Roethlisberger situation has become.

Farewell to the O-Rena

2010-04-14T20:23:00.006-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Our absence has been less than graceful, I can assure you. This, however, is one of those moments where I simply had to stop what I was doing to write down my thoughts.

Tonight, if you're not aware, is the last regular season game at Amway Arena (to me, it will always be the O-Rena). The only home the Orlando Magic have ever known. I know that the Magic have the playoffs upcoming and are one of the favored teams to go to the championship, so they'll play more games there. None of those games are guaranteed, though. They could have as little as two left. So, it'll be best to write the memoirs now, during the game (and a time I know I should be reviewing criminal law.)

A brief history from Brian Schmitz:

Most of you know the Magic's history: A local businessman and FSU football nut named Jimmy Hewitt in the mid-‘80s had this wild hair about attracting the NBA. He ran into another man named Pat Williams, the soon-to-be former general manager of the Philadelphia 76ers, at a local church. Divine intervention, for sure.
And on Jan. 5, 1987, dirt was dug for a new arena. On April 22, the NBA awarded Orlando an expansion franchise to begin play in the 1989-90 season on 600 West Amelia.

Schmitz goes on to talk about a few of his favorite memories, and I can't say I disagree with them. I was a little young to appreciate Dennis Scott's theft of Michael Jordan, but I do remember being really excited and then having to go to sleep because it was a school night. Scott Skiles' 30 assist game still stands as a record, even as he squawks orders in Milwaukee.

I guess that's what makes the O-Rena so tough to part with. For me, the Orlando Magic represented a lot of firsts. They were my second "team" overall (that honor will always go to the Florida Gators), but they were my first pro team. They represented professional sports to me as a kid. Growing up in a town that didn't have ties to a major metropolitan area (e.g. living anywhere in New England and the Celtics) or a state endorsed team (e.g. New York Knicks/Los Angeles Lakers), the Magic were as close of a thing to a hometown team as I had. I hadn't quite developed an interest in football, but my grandmother and father were Dolphins fans; even then, Miami was 5.5-6 hours away (I-75 hadn't been extended near my town, yet). That ruled out both the Heat and the Dolphins. Tampa had the Buccaneers, the team I eventually adopted when we got season tickets, but again they were multiple hours away. Every kid in town was an Atlanta Braves fan, and they too were 6 hours away. To have some team to identify with and only an hour away? For this kid, it was something to be psyched about.

The official Orlando Magic monthly magazine was, I think, the first thing I ever actually purchased with my own money. I saved up $25 of my birthday money/allowance and paid my dad for a 2 year subscription. Whenever new issues came, I would read the magazine pretty quickly and hoard them in my under-sink cabinets, where one typically stores things like drain cleaner. (Note: my parents were wise enough to not keep such things in a child's room. I will likely not have that foresight.) I stayed up late to watch the ends of games. I had teams that I disliked and would tune in every time they played Orlando (the Knicks, especially). I was hooked. The line would come later.

The time had come for me to attend my first professional sports game. I thought it was really cool because I got to hang around my dad and his buddies and be up past 9:30 and watch the Magic in action. We were playing a team that wore a green jersey; if memory serves, it was the Milwaukee Bucks. Since the O-Rena was (is) really small, it was pretty loud in there. The game was pretty tight and momentum was shifting. Finally, Dennis Scott breaks it open with a 3 pointer under tight defense and the crowd exploded. I told my dad, "That was a hell of a shot!" I got my ass promptly spanked. That was the line. The sinker would unfold over many years.

I've seen all manner of Orlando Magic highs and lows. The two years with #1 picks (thus convincing me years later that the NBA Lottery is as rigged as professional boxing), which led to Shaq and Penny. The Lil' Penny advertisements. Dennis Scott's steal. Dennis Scott's four bricks. Hakeem Olajuwon welcoming Shaquille O'Neal to the NBA with back-to-back sweeps in the NBA Finals. Being absolutely devastated and angry when Shaquille O'Neal took the Lakers money at the 11th hour (whose contract value---$120M---equaled the cost to build the O-Rena). The Heart and Hustle Squad of 2000, which gave Doc Rivers Coach of the Year. Darryl Armstrong picking up a TV that Tim Hardaway had chucked on the court and plugging it into the announcer's table to make sure it worked. The John Weisbrod era. The near-signing of Tim Duncan (thisclose ><). The actual signing of Grant Hill and Tracy McGrady. Seeing T-Mac's first career triple-double 15 rows up center court. T-Mac getting pissed and puning the basketball into the rafters. T-Mac being traded. Steve "Franchise" being as erratic as my golf swing. The GOD AWFUL DRAFT PICKS (Laron Profit, Steven Hunter, Curtis Borchardt, Reece Gaines, J.J. Redick [except he's turned into a player], FRAN VAZQUEZ (@!#$%^&*&^%$%^%$#@!#$%^%$#)). The birth of the Dwight Howard era. And now, here.

I have felt many things about the Magic over the years. I've never been fortunate enough to be able to afford season tickets. I've combed the box scores for years. I've always reacted to their drafts and signings, usually bitter disappointment, but only because I care about the team. Before the half, Vince Carter made a 3 pointer to set the NBA mark for 3 pointers made by a team and at the half, he was asked what the record meant to him. Vinsanity responded, "It's great to help out the team get this record, so long as we're winning. I grew up watching this team..."

That's when it hit me. A feeling I hadn't really had before. Lots of athletes grew up watching a team and then realized their childhood dreams by playing for them (Vince is from Daytona Beach, about the same distance from Orlando as I am). When those words left Vince's mouth, I stopped what I was doing and stared off into space. For the first time in my professional (again, Florida Gators exempted) sports viewing career, I identified with that. Vince grew up watching the Magic, and so did I.

I sat down, smiled, and said, "Me too, Vince. Me too."

So long and farewell, 600 Amelia Street Orlando FL 32801. You may have been called several things over the years--the O-Rena, the Arena at Orlando, TD Waterhouse Centre, Amway Arena--but you've always been the only home for my Orlando Magic. Of course, I am excited about the new arena next year, but breaking up is hard to do. It just won't be the same as it always has been.

The O-Rena was where the Magic began for this observer. Hopefully, one day, I'll see some young athlete from the Orlando area say the same words as Vince did tonight and it will mean just as much to me then as it did tonight. Go Magic.

It's Only for Now

2010-03-27T17:33:00.004-04:00

by Staff,

We here at PLS recently had a long late night fireside discussion involving cognac, cigars and smoking jackets. Among the many different topics touched on, the future was discussed the most. In doing so, we realized that our futures needed to be secured in a guaranteed way. Thus, with that vague statement, we're going to say that we're going on a hiatus for a few weeks.

The lack of posting perhaps made it evident that something was up. Life for Slate, Iroquois and Annie has become rather helter skelter lately. Unfortunately, it will only become more crazy in the coming weeks. There will be a point when things will be considerably less hectic and our posts can get back to a normal pace and level of excellence. We look forward to those days not only because we will be able to write regularly again, but because our stress levels will go back to average levels.

We have a regular group of readers, and we appreciate you coming here. We respect you more than just to spit out random crap and trying to get inconsistent bad posts up in the next few weeks would not reflect that. Without you guys (we know you are out there regardless of the lack of a commentariat), we would be realizing a fear we discussed when we open the site: that we'd be yelling into the dark void of nothingness that is "the internet."

This doesn't mean we are done forever. That is hardly the case. We want to keep this up as we enjoy writing it hopefully as much as you enjoy reading it. As mentioned before, we will be back in a few weeks. There may be a few posts here and there, but regular daily posting will not happen on a normal basis.

So thank you for reading this site and look for us down the road. When we come back, we will be stronger, more incisive and more laced with cursing than ever.

So long, for now, friends.

Our last words before we sign off for our hiatus: "To hell with Georgia, Vols suck Balls, Fuck the Noles, No Fat Chicks and DIS IS NOT A MOVIE!"

Attention

2010-03-24T22:57:00.003-04:00

by Staff

Tomorrow will be an important announcement made about this site.

That is all.

Hats off to (Joe) Mauer

2010-03-21T22:31:00.004-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

Busy busy busy past weekend and busy week coming up.

But not long ago I lamented what could have been Joe Mauer's eventual flight to a big market team, but here's to him and the Twins for getting it done.

Both sides did get it done. Good for him, and good for the Twins for giving their franchise a direction for the next decade. 184 million over 8 years seems high, but Joe Mauer certainly deserves a pay raise. Most importantly for Mauer, he got a full no trade clause.

Whether he will regret that in 4 or 5 years... we'll see.

Explanation of the BCEEEEWTSWEX

2010-03-18T21:31:00.002-04:00

by Staff

Folks, the tourney has started and brackets are already being ripped to shreds. Vanderbilt losing to Murray State was a bad one. Georgetown's crapping of the bed against Ohio was a murderous one for those who fell in love with the Hoyas' physical game. Notre Dame's loss was... expected, actually, while Richmond was a great sleeper pick for everyone until St. Mary's ran them over.

The BCEEEEWTSWEX, which is linked here (also linked previously), must now be explained further. We have our real brackets in there: "Iroquois Legit," "Annie D.'s" and "Slate For Reals" are the ones to watch to actually compete against.

But we have other ones. Iroquois has his chalk bracket, which is very "yawn" inducing, but the Mascots on a Sandwich bracket is far more interesting. It is exactly what its name implies. If your mascot tastes better on a sandwich, you win. Texas is his winner there because, let's face it, a Bevo Burger sounds great. Oddly enough, as of 9:30 on the first day, that bracket is winning the pool and is in the 99th percentile.

Slate has his Homer bracket, where he picks which team he hates less as the winner and his Mom's bracket, who is none too pleased to hear that the Gators exited this afternoon. But it is the Mascot battle, which is probably the ballsiest bracket ever. After assembling a crack squad of experts, it was determined who would win the matchup based on who would win in fight between the nicknames. Obviously the Musketeers would beat the Gophers and the Cougars would beat the Terrapins. But what about the Big Red versus the Owls? It was determined that an Owl would choke on Big Red bubble gum... thus the Big Red moves on. The testicular fortitude came with the fact that the SCHOOL doesn't matter. So as it turns out, all of the #1 seeds went out in the first round because they are all wimpy. The Orangemen? They get eaten by the Catamounts. The Jayhawks? They get killed by the Mountain Hawks. It was a fun bracket to fill out, but one that doomed to absolute failure.

We'll keep you posted in the coming days on how things go.

Link to the PLS Bracket Group

2010-03-18T17:41:00.001-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

So that you can keep track of us, here's the link to exceedingly long acronymmed name.

Potlick Sports BCEEEEWTSWEX

2010-03-16T21:55:00.002-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

As promised, here is an overview of the Bracket Challenge of Excellence, Explosions and Extraneous Examples of Words that Start With "EX!" pool. (/cue face melting guitar solo with explosion)

Pools, and the brackets that make them up, are nothing more than guess work. Oh sure. You do some research. You look at some matchups, pick a few upsets, see who beat who during the regular season... that kind of stuff.

But in the end, it's almost always the opposite of what you thought would happen. No, that 13 seed actually stood no chance against that 4 because they came from a laughably bad conference regardless of their 20 game winning streak. And yes, you should have just picked the favorite in the second round because the underdog they were playing was lucky to even be in the tournament, much less making it out of the first round.

We here at PLS do our due diligence and do brackets. We research, like you, and fail, like you. We don't have any expert knowledge above what ESPN and yahoo.com tell us, and we follow our gut, like you. But we also do awesome brackets.

We will have (to be posted later)...
From Iroquois: A "practice" bracket
-"Chalk" bracket
-A bracket where the winner is picked by who would taste better in a sandwich and maybe even a real bracket with some effort.

From Annie: A real bracket
- A bracket which is somehow oriented towards puppies

From Slate: A real bracket
- A homer bracket where all the winners are picked on who he likes and hates
- A mascot battle bracket wherein the winner is based on who would win in a fight
- A bracket done by his mother.

There could be more, as time permits, but we will keep everyone posted with the standings and the logic behind our picks once we can post them.

In the end we will compare these to national averages and you can compare them to yours. If any of the weird ones do better than you, you should probably never do one again.

(spoiler alert: The Mascot Battle Bracket has all #1 seeds going down in the first round. Not sure how well that one will do...)

Programming Note

2010-03-15T22:18:00.001-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Due to the labor intensive process of interviewing Stan Van Gundy, there will be no new content from me tonight.

Coming Wednesday, look for a preview of the NCAA Tournament, SVG Auto Sales style.

Our Staff Progressively Gets Older

2010-03-15T12:21:00.003-04:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Since he got a job and likely won't be on to say so himself, we at PLS would like to wish our own Red Herring a very happy birthday today. We suspect that Red is only slightly less irritable today than he is usually.

Upcoming Attractions

2010-03-14T22:17:00.003-04:00

by Slate Quicksilver

This upcoming week is one that should have you giddy like a 13 year old before a Jonas Brothers concert.

Why?

We will have the PLS OFFICIAL BRACKET CHALLENGE OF EXCELLENCE, EXPLOSIONS AND EXTRANEOUS EXAMPLES OF WORDS THAT START WITH "EX!" (/cue face melting guitar riff and explosion), we will have a PLS exclusive recap of the US Men's Curling National Championship Draw (seriously we were there) and an informative entry on how to curl.

Plans are being designed on the PLS bracket competition featuring our brackets and several gimmick brackets (mascot battle, weight of letters, our moms) which we will report on vigorously. Also, maybe half expect a weekend Final Word (!) next Sunday recapping the tournament.

Here's a little music to get you jacked up to the point where running through a 5 foot thick concrete barrier would be the only way to satisfy your lust for destruction! If you can make it two minutes in without throwing your computer through a brick wall, you are a champion.

So get excited people, and we'll see you down the road.

Watching a Trainwreck in Real Time

2010-03-11T21:25:00.005-05:00

by Slate Quicksilver

Being a Florida Marlins fan, seeing mlb.com's report on Sportscenter that Joe Mauer hasn't resigned with the Twins yet but is "hopeful" that a deal will get done soon or during next offseason set off a 5 bell alarm. That part of the sentence in bold requires a closer inspection, but first, my credentials. I've seen this movie unfold so many times, I can call the script before it even happens. This has happened no less than 15 times with my team, the Florida Marlins (although there are some who apparently think we don't exist). I won't stand for their crimes against the game of baseball, but I am a fan. I was taught to root for your team through thick and thin, and seeing this report about Mauer and the Twins is troubling because I've seen this movie before; and it never ends well.

First off, let's look at the mlb.com part. If this report came out, it is solely done by the Mauer camp. The Twins don't want their poker hand shown to the rest of the world. That hand? A four, six, seven, jack and a king... all off suit. They are strapped for cash, simply put. They have Justin Morneau on board for 8 digits (12.5 mil) and Mauer will unquestionably be an 8 digit man himself. Joe Nathan checks in a 6 million (which he may get paid even if he fishes all season) and Mr. Mauer, himself, cashes in 6.25 million and for some reason Jim Thome is on the ledger for 13 million. Those four gentleman, at the status quo, account for nearly 75% of the Twins team salary (65 million + change). The Twins, in other words, can't take on Mauer and Morneau (and Thome). If anyone tipped the media off, it was a Mauer rep.

Secondly, let's look at the "hopeful" part. All accounts that are in the know agree that Joe Mauer is a stand up guy. He has offered a hometown discount to the Twins and he has made it clear he wants to stay there. Now allow me give you a few names of players who did this for the team I root for: Charles Johnson, Kevin Brown, Al Leiter, Gary Sheffield, Moises Alou, Luis Castillo, Jeff Conine (x2), Preston Wilson, Cliff Floyd, Josh Beckett, AJ Burnett, Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis. In fact the only great (yes I called Preston Wilson great... wanna fight about it?) player the Marlins have had in the last 15 years who made no appearance of being "hopeful" that he could stay with the team and give them a discount was Hanley Ramirez, who the Marlins promptly responded by giving him a 5 year 75 million dollar contract. Great players on small market teams all want to stay (or at least say they do) but baseball is a business. If offered a "wowza" contract, Mauer will be gone in half a minute.

Let's finish with the time frame for getting it done. When it gets done is moot. To Mauer, that is. Joe can bide his time... even he signs tomorrow the contract doesn't go in to effect until next year... so monetarily he is ambivalent. But for the Twins, time is oxygen. He will be an unrestricted free agent, but only after a certain date. This means that the Twins are the only ones who can talk to him. This is the ball being shoved into the Twins' court and reminding them about the cloud of impending doom over their heads. That cloud is saturated with the fact that the free agent deadline on July 31st is a "make a deal or forever hold your peace" deadline for the organization. They have a new ballpark and they stole the division last year and are the favorites this year. Signing Mauer would basically give the direction for this decade. Yet, they haven't done it. They haven't done it yet and if they don't do it by July 31st they lose the safety net of compensation. Mauer will become unrestricted sometime in November and then he's moves in open water. At least if they trade him before 7/31, they get something back. Prospects, a few good players... whatever. If he signs as an unrestricted FA, they get nothing.

So basically the Twins have a choice.
Door #1: Resign Mauer longterm and expensively
Door #2: Trade him in late July to get some prospects
or Door #3: Stall too long and allow for the Yankees to fly a helicopter to the Mauer Estate and dump money on his roof until he's the starting catcher who replaces Jorge Posada in Yankee Stadium (OMG THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENZZZZ!!!).

My prediction: Door #3.

Well good night folks and Red, go wash your hands and keyboard after reading this.

Taking a Stomp in Weezy F. Baby's Sneaks---The New Orleans Trip

2010-03-10T19:52:00.006-05:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Having now made it back from New Orleans in one piece (and a couple days at the beach), I now recap what I can remember about the whole thing. There were a lot of good stories and I will do my best to recollect what was going on, including a couple of places visited and the logo on the outside of the place just so others can follow in my trail or (dis)agree with me on how great some of the places are/were.

First, I want to make a couple of points about food. Being there pretty much makes you want to eat everything and I certainly did my best to do so. For those unfamiliar with the New Orleans cuisine, this guy provides a good primer. Typical examples include jambalaya, gumbo, red beans and rice, etouffes, and the like. Two places that particularly stood out (and what I got):

1. Serio's Deli and the Muffeletta Sandwich - If Serio's sounds familiar, it might be because you saw it on TV...

Yep, Bobby Flay took on these guys in a muffeletta challenge and lost. So there you go. It was especially close to where I was staying, so I snagged one of these bad boys before I left town.

I had never had one of these sandwiches before. For the unenlightened, a muffeletta is a Creole sandwich with salami and ham and swiss cheese with an olive salad on the top, primarily consisting of pimentos, both black and green olives, carrot coins, celery, and maybe pickled cauliflower (which is what I recall this particular sandwich having). Typically, they are enormous sandwiches served on circular bread and can be purchased by the half or whole (and in some places, quarter).

Now I may not have been many places in my entire life, but I am a sucker for a) popularly endorsed stuff on television and b) eating, but this meal in particular ranks up there with the best meals I've had. It was breathtaking. In fact, I couldn't stop raving about the sandwich and convinced two of my friends to get one as well. Wow. Besides the cold cuts being choice stuff, the olive salad was the star and the support of the sandwich. I am now looking for something to come close to recreating this masterpiece of human achievement.

Additionally, I was told I missed out on the Central Grocer, who serves a dynamite one of these as well, but I didn't get the memo before I left town.

Speaking of places I saw on TV...

2. The Acme Oyster House and the Chargrilled Oysters

I'm not one for raw oysters. They're pretty dirty creatures on the whole. Still, I was on vacation, so I would set aside any preconceived notions of anything. The very first night we were looking for some grub, and I just happened to spot the above neon. Because I love watching shows about eating and cooking, I remembered this episode of Man v. Food. Adam Richman does the 15 dozen (180) oyster challenge. As of the filming of the episode, only 28 out of 150 people had finished them, but Man won that round.

Now, I didn't attempt to try 180, but two dozen was the order of the day. Simply amazing and this coming from a guy who doesn't normally eat oysters. I found a recipe that matches the description that the waitress gave me for how it was prepared so I will have to try this again someday. Because I live close to Appalachicola (Oyster City; it provides a lot of SE states with oysters), this may be sooner rather than later. This was definitely #2 in foods on the trip (close behind Serio's), and they definitely blew everything else out of the water.

Incidentally, I also went to Mother's for the Ferdie Special, where Richman also dined. That was where I was beginning to speculate upon my previous article.

I also want to give an extra special mention to one of my hosts this weekend, who manages the Gordon Biersch in New Orleans, right across the street from Harrah's. Definitely recommend checking them out if you have one nearby, especially for the beer. If you're a stud muffin, you can get a beer boot. Yes, like the one from Beerfest.

Coming Friday...bar reviews.

Son of a Sailor

2010-03-09T21:41:00.002-05:00

by Slate Quicksilver

Current events in Quicksilver-land caused a complete lack of time to post anything of merit. I could be compelled to shell out some garbage that is completely devoid of any thought, intelligence, merit or regard for history or the present.

But instead of touching off a potential war in the sports "journalism" field, I'd rather just give you a song that will bring up the fact that will get you pumped that winter is over.

That's right people, winter's cold dead touch is has retreated back to the frozen expanse of wasteland and taiga completely empty of warmth of any kind; physical or human: Canada. Gardens will start blooming. Summer ales are brewing. Golf bags are being taken out of moth ball storage. Sandals are being removed from closets. Oh, what's that? You live in the "South"? Oh, I'm sorry that you don't understand that "seasons" "happen" "on a yearly basis." This song, this author's personal favorite of Mr. Buffett, has always been equated to warmth in my head.

We'll be back tomorrow with an actual sports related thing. But in the mean time, enjoy.

Reflections of NOLA

2010-03-08T17:41:00.001-05:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

As it is SPRING BREAK (insert glass shattering / someone socking a random in the jaw) time at my revered trade school, the crew and I ventured to New Orleans for the first time (my first time, anyhow). Recollections and pictures to be posted upon my return to the Internet (I'm sending this from my mobile device).

But, during the stupor of a recovery meal, I found myself with a nearly overwhelming sense of what the Super Bowl has meant to the city of New Orleans. You see all of these little mom-and-pop establishments who have their Katrina story posted right on their menu. Every single one of them mentions the Saints.

The city has been consumed by the team winning. Everywhere, you get "Who dat?" (or its relaive "We dat!"). I saw Ba Lee Dat and other variations on the Dat slogan. I saw a deity Brees branding Manning the centaur. The street artists had pictures commemorating the event. In short, you can't swing a dead cat in NOLA and not hit something with a fleur-de-lis.

I myself previoudly thought that the Saints winning wasn't any different than the Bucs winning. Tampa had a long history of futility also. Their draft picks were notoriously bad. They had a nickname signifying their awfulness. They won a Super Bowl after a major acquisition.

But the one thing Tampa really lacks in this comparison is a profound sense of importance to the city. If (heaven forbid) the Bucs were to leave or move, the city would probably take a hit to its pride and they'd be over it in a couple years. If the Saints were to disappear, I don't know if New Orleans would be the same. One of the first things you see coming in on 10 West is the Superdome and I guarantee the first billboard you see has to do with football.

Just like Katrina, everyone has their own Saints story. Even the homeless folks. I chatted with a homeless guy outside of a bar that didn't allow outside drinks (more on those in Part II) and he was telling me about an experience he had with a past player (don't know who) serving him soup at a refugee camp after Katrina. The city needs its Saints like Bourbon Street needs its drunk assholes craving Hurricanes and Hand Grenades.

They aren't the New Orleans Saints because they are a football team that plays there. They are the city in a je ne sais quoi way that is unique even among the best of college towns. And there's really no better way to describe it other than to take in the atmosphere holding a drink in hand watching dumb tourists yell "Who dat?" and having an entire area, from big shots to bum raps, respond "We dat!"

Because it is that guy wearing the Drew Brees jersey while cooking a fresh batch of jambalaya that may as well be Drew Brees himself. I know that I couldn't tell after a little while.

Offseason Chatter: NFL Free Agency Starts Today

2010-03-05T11:23:00.008-05:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

No doubt adding to Slate's documented ire of overanalyzing the NFL during the offseason, here I am with some more tinder for the fire. I would posit, though, that talking about free agency on the day it opens up isn't really just ESPN filling up airspace. This is a potentially historic offseason for the NFL. It is the first year in quite some time that there is no salary cap. Naturally, this leads to people freaking out. A sample conversation with that dimwit that everyone knows who is prone to overreaction:

You: Hey friend, did you see free agency opened up today? It's an uncapped year.

Your Stupid and Smelly Friend: OH MY GOD UNCAPPED YEAR FOOTBALL WILL BE RUINED THAT SAME WAY BASEBALL IS RUINED TOO MANY SUPERPOWERHOUSE TEAMS LIKE TEH YANKEES AND THE RED SOCKS AND THE YANKESE WILL MAKE THE NFL BORING.

You: Mmm hmm. Well, that's...very good...for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

First things first, your friend talks loudly and in run-on sentences. Second, he's prone to repeating things. Third, baseball is not ruined for having an uncapped salary system (although there are deficiencies in the system; I'd start with not being allowed to pocket shared revenue).

But you, the suave and debonair reader of PLS, know that there are other factors in play here. First (and this can and will be overstated by ESPN) is obviously the economy. If this morning's trends are any indication of what to come, you'll have the same mix of things that happens in baseball: a few teams, once constrained by terrible franchise crippling decisions or inability or willingness to spend top dollar, will go for the gusto. A few will look to shed dead weight. Others still will sit on the sidelines (like my team). Nothing to see here.

Second, nothing really stands to change in terms of actual players being signed, in terms of salaries. I may be alone in this belief, but I believe the salary cap causes teams to act in irrational ways. To analogize, think of it as driving your car on a highway with a hard speed limit, viz. any attempt to exceed the limit is impossible. You're stuck in traffic behind some cars that are going about 8-10 MPH under the limit, but you, the normally smarter and more composed driver, know that you could be doing things better. It inevitably become frustrating following these drivers because you know there is room to work but there's just no opportunity to break free. Finally, you have room to your left to pass and, lo and behold, the hard speed limit disappears. What's your first reaction? I would guess that you're going to floor it to pass these slow assholes that have been holding up your inevitable Manifest Destiny to wherever it is you're going.

To borrow a non-NFL example, we can look to the NBA (which lacks a hard cap, but the idea's the same). After years of being crippled (no pun intended) by the Grant Hill contract and burdened by other various failures (Steve Francis), at the end of the 2006-07 season, the Magic finally shed constraints that didn't allow them to spend any money on improving the team except for essentially lateral moves. What was the first thing Orlando did? Ridiculously overpaid Rashard Lewis in a sign-and-trade. Seriously, they paid a max contract (6 yr/$120M) to a non max player, bidding against no one but themselves.

Tying it all back together, just because all of a sudden the NFL teams have a ton of freedom and can ostensibly spend as much as they want may result in a temporary increase in irrational spending, but it likely won't produce any more than your standard stupid contracts. Just for funsies, here's some ridiculously good links to some ridiculously bad contracts, first for baseball and second for basketball @ http://www.scoresreport.com/2009/03/05/the-nbas-68-worst-contracts/ (For some reason, I can't hotlink it from this page). As those links should demonstrate, stupidity in player valuation runs rampant in both capped and uncapped leagues. As noted before, the economy should keep most of the really bad decisions in check.

A couple miscellany heading into your weekend:

- Team Jolly Drank is now 2-0 with a 21-4 demolishing of the previous squad. One guy was so hammered he could barely stand up and was definitely an all-star. In the last inning, when it was apparent the other side was going to lose, Drunky McSwingerson hits a frozen rope to center, which was bobbled. D McS jogs to second and his buddy is pissed and starts yelling. D McS calmly replies, "Bro, we're down 21-4. What I do isn't going to make a difference." I love freshmen.

- I see that Slate introduced the fantasy baseball league. I am offended he calls it an "annoying habit of winning" though. It's not annoying at all (for me, anyway). I can see where it would piss people off that I called my shot by naming my team "3 Year Winner" and won both regular season and playoff crown, even in spite of the legendary A-Rod for Bill Hall/Ryan Zimmerman trade (you can assume that neither Slate nor I were in that deal), which is Slate's favorite argument in favor of democratic vetoes of trades, which might make an interesting point/counterpoint later on.

- In the future, also look for a primer on our baseball terminology as we have quite a few nicknames that will casually tossed around. We'll start with Doug Davis, for example. Doug Davis' name is Doug the Dino.

- Finally, just in case there was ever any doubt in your mind about whether or not what you see is a movie, this car (courtesy of my neighbor) removes any and all doubt.

Enjoy your weekend, everyone.

GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR RETURNS

2010-03-04T23:48:00.003-05:00

by Slate Quicksilver

He's back and more destructive than ever. GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR returned in full carnage and this time, it gets a touch personal.

For those of you keeping score at home, GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR was first seen on this site back in October creating a supernova, going back in time and destroying the Galileo spacecraft and annihilating the moon. Now, it looks as though he is back... this time with far deadlier consequences.

But let's look at it from GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's position. He was sleeping in a massive glacier, minding his own business, and then an ice breaker ship, who is there specifically to break up ice floes in the arctic winter, cracks the ice and wakes him up. I doubt you could say that GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR was overreacting when he summoned his Thundaga-class ELECTROHOCKEYSTICK from thin air and then slashed the ship into two pieces (73 good sailors went down with the ship) because they woke him up. You'd be pissed too!

Then the next logical thing, if you are GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR, is to jump into a fighter jet and slip on a badass pair of aviator sunglasses. What is most troubling to all living things in the universe is that clearly there is more than 1 GALACTOHOCKEYBEARs. In fact, there is a whole squadron of them. Although GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR does like to do the damage with his own paws, sometimes its more fun to let missiles do the trick. That's why Miami (OH) University gets destroyed. And Ohio State... well we can take a good guess why a few AGM-84 Maverick missiles landed there. Michigan State, specifically Spartan Stadium, got strafed as well proving that GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR was playing for keeps.

But then, a more logical thought process emerged. Why waste our time destroying solely the campuses of the CCHA conference schools, and just destroy the entire planet? Thus GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR 1 drops a nuke into a volcano creating a chain of events that would make Ernst Stavro Blofeld need to change his pants that culminated in the complete destruction of Earth.

The explosion, one of cataclysmic proportions, goes on to fling GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's jet at nearly the speed of the light and into a wormhole. The jet, unable to go as fast as it going, breaks up and GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR punches the eject and begins his final entry vector with his ELECTROHOCKEYSTICK blazing.

It finally all becomes clear. To get to the Carlson Center, in Fairbanks, Alaska, where GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's team plays, he needed to destroy the Earth to get to the terminal velocity to get him up to speed to activate the wormhole just to arrive at the Carlson Center just on time so he can bust through the roof (killing 18 people who were sucked out in the vacuum of space), take the puck at center ice, deke a few times and fire a shot at the net causing yet another explosion.

So to summarize: GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR kills about 6.5 billion people, but scored a goal.

With the college hockey regular season ending just recently, one can only imagine what GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's encore will be.

Potluck Sports Bloodletting

2010-03-03T23:23:00.004-05:00

by Slate Quicksilver

There are times when human nature creates a storm of blood lust within the dimensions of our skulls from which the only way to cure yourself is to go to the field of battle and have it out with your opponents. Boxing, MMA, chess boxing, rollerderby and the round after the final spin of Wheel of Fortune are all perfect examples of the human condition getting to its boiling point and exploding in a fit of rage. For centuries, men have fought men for no particular reason. Countries have gone to war for far less reasons than, say, an aunt of one side being insulted.

As you have seen in the incubation period of our fine site, we have had a few point-counterpoint exchanges and general disagreements. We have all had reason to kill each other in a fit of anger, but we are civil people (although Red needs to see Sunshine on my Shoulder by John Denver no less than 4 times consecutively after seeing the Yankees lose). So we will take our feuds to the field of battle.

To which field do I refer to? A field that our ancestors longed to shed the blood and tears of their opponents so that they could build what we know as culture and civilization could exist as it does now. A field which is so expansive and unforgiving that neither Hitler, Napoleon, Cortes, Sun Tzu, Xerxes, Ramses II nor Ugg the Neanderthal ever dared to expose their vast war machines to it.

We're talking: Fantasy baseball.

Slate, Iroquois, Annie and Red all have teams in the same 12 team league. The league? A recreation of a league used long ago (re: as far back as 2 years ago). Iroquois has an annoying habit of winning, but this is year that things will be different.

The categories:
Hitting: Runs, singles, doubles, triples, home runs, RBIs, stolen bases, walks, errors, batting average and slugging %.
Pitching: Innings pitched, wins, complete games, shutouts, saves, earned runs (total), strikeouts, ERA, WHIP, strikeouts per 9 innings.

21 categories. 10 hitting. 10 pitching. 1 defensive.

12 teams. 6 to the playoffs. 1 winner.

We will keep you posted here as the season goes on as blood is spilled, friendships are put on hold and plots are schemed, hatched and exposed. In doing so we hope to bring baseball knowledge (we all have some) but also to expose the to the world how brutal this sport is.

Sketches on Collective Stupidity

2010-03-02T15:06:00.004-05:00

by Slate Quicksilver

(Ed note: Make Yourself a sandwich before this post... it's a long one)
(Ed note^2: Long but awesome)

In case you either don't like sports or haven't been awake since Sunday evening, I think you should know that Canada won the gold medal game in hockey at the Olympics against the US. It was one of the best games of hockey in the last decade or so and not just in context or timing, but in terms of actual hockey. It was amazing that there were no commercials during the intermission, the game was up and down with great plays on defense and amazing saves by the goalies. When Zach Parise (someone I personally I do not like) tied the game up with half a minute left in the third period, cheering was audibly heard in the streets of the hockey wasteland known as Kansas City. The game winning goal was a great two man play, equivalent to a give and go from the top of the key in basketball. If it wasn't a pre-planned play, it certainly looked like one. Goalie Ryan Miller never stood a chance with a good player freely bearing down on the net (being an indoor soccer goalie, this one sympathizes).

The NHL went back to work last night. The Red Wings, who sent no less 35% of their roster to the Winter Games, played their old rivals the Avalanche (who sent 20% of their roster), in a close game which the Red Wings won with a late goal 3-2. The players, to a casual observer, looked normal. The trained eye saw certain players not working as hard cycling the puck in the corners, forwards playing international style of the game (more individual effort than team effort) and the game slowing down at the ends of periods. Basically, it was noticeable that certain players were drained while others had 2 weeks to go fishing.

This brings us to the crux of the situation. USA goalie Ryan Miller, who is also inconveniently the goalie for the Buffalo Sabres, has a game tonight. And not just against anyone. The Sabres play in Pittsburgh tonight against the Penguins, whose captain is none other than the golden goal man himself, Sidney Crosby.

"AN OLYMPIC REMATCH!!!!!1!!!" is basically what any communications network, whether TV, radio, interwebz, telegraph, long wave maritime facsimile or smoke signal that has a tilt towards the sporting world is claiming about this game. Sportscenter is creaming its pants over this matchup. So much so that all day on Sportscenter, which they show for 14 hours (not a joke) on an average weekday, they have been asking their "experts" from all sports their opinion. Opinion on what, you may ask? They want their opinion on the audacity and nerve of Ryan Miller and the Buffalo Sabres organization and their decision sit Ryan Miller tonight for the aforementioned "rematch." Yes, Ryan Miller will be dressed, but will not start in Pittsburgh tonight.

This has caused ESPN to collapse into a singularity. Some, namely the hockey people like Barry Melrose and John Buccigross (who anchors in the afternoon and a regular... and very good... writer for their hockey section on espn.com) favor sitting Miller in a relatively meaningless game in the face of the NHL season and the playoffs; both are easily upper playoff seeds with just over a month to go and they don't need him to get hurt. But it is the "experts" who are just hopelessly clueless about the game and show that although hockey was done a favor by the Olympics and the results, the sport is still climbing uphill to restore its place in the American sports-industrial complex. The "experts" try to bring their sport's culture into it or just show how little they care/know(/both).

Using the 2 P.M. Sportscenter hosted by John Buccigross and Chris McKendry (two of the upper echilon anchors on the network in my opinion), I went through each "expert" opinion. The more I watched, the dumber I felt and the worse I felt for the game of hockey.

Bruce Bowen (Credentials: NBA player for 13 seasons/NBA defensive player of the year '03/'05/'07)

"I think he should play." He took the "the Olympics were great and the NHL needs the publicity" and the "you need to help your teammates." The clincher of stupidity was Bowen saying that Miller needs to realize that athletes sometimes play "back to back"s. Clearly Bowen never played anything other than basketball. The back to back he was referring to was that the Sabres play tomorrow. But a hockey back to back is one thousand fold tougher on the body than a basketball back to back game situation. Also, Bruce Bowen never came off the Olympics after losing the biggest game in more than decade. In fact, Bruce Bowen's international career is highlighted by a 3rd place finish at the 2006 FIBA World Championships where he didn't even play in the game where we got eliminated.

Doug Gottlieb (Credentials: College Basketball player for Oklahoma State/ESPN Radio/White Guy)

"I'm guessing that he is completely exhausted from (his schedule) and his extra effort that he gave even though he wasn't on the ice when they scored the game tying goal," and "everyone makes the playoffs... hahaha." Although he believes he should be sitting, his opinion shows he knows absolutely nothing about hockey. The everyone makes the playoffs shtick is old. We hear that, but never hear that the same number of teams make the playoffs in theNBA. And the "not on the ice" thing shows how little he knows about the sport. He wasn't on the ice so that we could get an extra attacker and more than that even if he were on the ice, he wouldn't be up in offensive zone because he is the goalie! Yet again, this shows how bad it is for hockey in the mainstream. Hosts on flagship networks don't even understand the simple mechanics of a major sport.

Todd McShay (Credentials: Somehow gets paid to predict NFL players draft chances because he is only slightly better than flipping a coin/hates Tim Tebow/White Guy)

"He probably should play (in terms of PR) but let's give him the night off (after what he did for us)." A very legitimate opinion from a guy who makes his money in an illegitimate business ruining college kids careers because their agility cone time is only 94% the average of their position's average.

Herm Edwards (Credentials: Former NFL player, Former Head Coach of the Jets and Chiefs) and Barry Melrose (Credentials: Only person this mix who ever played hockey in the NHL/Coached LA Kings to Stanley Cup Finals... and lost... in 1993/has a mullet)

Herm and Barry "squared off" with both anchor kind of moderating. Here is a brief breakdown. Barry said he should not play. No way. He is spent physically and mentally... especially mentally. And that's when stupid injuries happen. Herm retorted with (for some reason) dropping a puck he had in his suit pocket and saying that if he were the player he "would tell the coach 'I'm Playing.' Unless he takes my shoes and stick, I'm playing." Barry countered with "this is not a big game and Miller needs rest". Herm, who clearly knows little about the game much less the current NHL season, said "YES IT IS A BIG GAME!" Barry tried to interject but Herm, talking a mile a minute, wouldn't budge even going as far to saying that Barry was once a player. This got Barry off his block, because Barry was terrible at hockey and he is very defensive about that, and basically Herm won the argument because Melrose was basically done talking about Miller and was ready to talk about something else.

You (Credentials: You are the country and you are voting. You =people at work but not working, college kids, people with nothing better to do, the unemployed)

Sportscenter does these polls to get your opinion. "Your" being those who vote on these polls. 63% of "You" said he should play, 37% of "You" said he shouldn't.

By the way, the game is not on national TV. If you have FoxSports Pittsburgh of MSG-B, you can watch the game at 7:30. Anyone else, you can go to bar and ask your soon to be puzzled bartender or waitress if they have the hockey package on DirecTV. Don't be surprised if you get laughed at.

Shaq Goes Down For A Bit

2010-03-01T19:15:00.003-05:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Perhaps Stan was a shade hasty in proclaiming the Cavs the team to beat. At least for a couple of months, Shaquille O'Neal will be sidelined with a bent up thumb. If you weren't watching the Cavs/Celts tilt last week, Glen Davis (whom I refuse to address by nickname; it is just as irritating now as it was when he was at LSU) fouled Shaq kinda hard on the way up and came down on his shooting hand. A Celtics player playing rough and having the foul downplayed? Why, this has never happened! Surely, just an oversight by the ref; he must have been new. To be fair to Davis, it wasn't deliberate or anything, just some good old fashioned hard contact that should have drawn a foul. It wasn't like he threw someone into the scorer's table.

Nevertheless, this is rough for the Cavaliers. Antawn Jamison has not shown a lot of expediency getting acquainted with his new team, and the Cavalier's favorite lineup (as opposed to best?) is now missing its enforcer. The awkward chemistry issues will be present yet again when (if?) Shaq returns to the Cavs. You would think it wouldn't take long to adjust into the lineup for Cleveland because Jamison played with a C who was a steady defensive presence and had cranked up the offense for the season (Brendan Haywood), which sounds like the renewed Shaquille O'Neal this season, but it's not like LeBron James was Caron Butler or anything. Tawn could always do what the rest of the team does and just watch James play.

Cleveland doesn't appear to be in any danger of losing the top spot in the East either. As of now, they are 6 games ahead of Orlando for the top spot, and nearly 10 ahead of both Atlanta and Boston. Where this could get interesting is the overall playoff seeding, which determines HCA in the Finals. As of now, Cleveland only holds a 1 game lead over the Lake Show for the top seed in the playoffs, which seems especially vulnerable right now. However, the LAL have a fairly tough schedule until March 22nd (the first day that Cleveland can resign Zydrunas Ilgauskas), with 6 road games, the only tough one being @ Orlando this upcoming Sunday. Nevertheless, road games are always kind of a crapshoot and you never know.

Fortunately, Cleveland's schedule up until the 22nd features only two Cs they should really have trouble with: Tim Duncan (on the 8th) and Kendrick Perkins (on the 14th). They also might have trouble with Brook Lopez (NJN) later this week, but it's the Nets. Because they possess such considerable depth at PF , they should be able to withstand any challenge at PF (notably, Chicago with the resurgent Taj Gibson and Indiana, with Troy Murphy). Cleveland will also have Shaq ready for the Lakers and Orlando, as they only face Orlando once before the playoffs. If everything stays as it is, Orlando (as the 2 seed) would not see Cleveland again until the East Finals and the Lakers the NBA Finals. That's the good news.

The Ilgauskas buyout was (in hindsight) timed perfectly, not that there is any implication of collusion. The Shaq surgery has the potential to be a boon for the Cavs because of the rest his knees will get. Those Clevelanders who want LBJ to stay at home should be counting their lucky stars (for now) because this could be a blessing in disguise in King James' quest for coronation.

US vs. Canada The Rematch

2010-02-28T09:43:00.003-05:00

By Annie Detroit

We are hours away from the rematch between the United States and Canada in men's hockey, the most important sport in the host country of this year's Olympics. While team Canada will have the home crowd to support them, they are going into this game knowing that the weight of their country is on their shoulders. For the US: Well, they are coming in as underdogs, so should they end up walking away with the silver, they can still hold their heads up high with their best finish since the 2002 games in Salt Lake City. But if you look at the numbers, the two teams are very evenly matched.

What's Going for Canada
Not only does Canada have home ice advantage, they also boast better offensive numbers than the US with players having scored 3 goals or more and team that has scored 32 goals in this tournament compared to the US's 22 team goals. Jerome Iginla leads all Olympians with 5 goals but only 6 points. Roberto Luongo has held steady since coming in for Martin Brodeur after the 5-3 loss to the US in the round robin play, stopping 91% of shots faced and sporting a slim 1.75 GAA.

Jonathan Toews leads the tournament with a +9 rating, showing that he can make plays. All of his points are assists, so they'll really need him to make some big plays this afternoon.

Why Canada Should Worry
Canada was the front runner to win this tournament before the rosters were even finalized. But with a close shootout win over Switzerland and the embarrassing loss to the US (it was embarrassing because they just didn't play well), the spirits and confidence of the players is shaken. Making a goalie change in the middle of the tournament is often considered a desperate move. It paid off for Canada since they won their next three. However, Luongo has allowed 7 goals in three games while the US's Ryan Miller has allowed 6 goals in the entire tournament. Canada needs to play exponentially better than they have shone throughout the tournament in order to stop a high-flying US team.

Sidney Crosby only has 3 goals in this tournament. His country will really be looking for him to have the game of his life

What's Going for the US
The US team is in the driver's seat going into this game. Canada has all this pressure to win and prove that they are the hockey Mecca of the world on their own soil. The disappointment of a loss to the US would devastate the team and the entire country. What if the US loses? We shrug our shoulders and say, "Yeah, well, we were playing Canada. We still did pretty well."

Though there isn't as much pressure on the US team to pull off gold, there should be. The US has been the dominate team in this tournament despite only having scored 22 goals. The reason: goaltender Ryan Miller (out of Michigan State University, in case you were wondering). He has been the best player in the entire tournament, hands down. He has stopped 95% of shots faced...in NHL talk that means a 1.04 GAA and has allowed 5 goals in 5 games. His worst game was when he allowed 3 goals against Canada but still stood on his head.

If they gave a Conn Smythe trophy in the Olympics, Ryan Miller would win

Other than Ryan Miller playing out of his mind, the team's best scorer right now is (oddly enough) Brian Rafalski (another Michigan native, not that I'm biased). 4 goals in 2 straight games including 2 against team Canada in the first meeting would never be seen during an NHL game, but helpful nonetheless. Zach Parise has 7 points and leads US forwards.

Why the US Should Worry
Canada is sore from the loss in the round robin play, so they will be coming out of the gate with guns blazing. The US defense will have to stay on their toes and the offense will have to have good puck control to keep it in the Canada end. Canada will be playing aggressive and desperate hockey and the US needs to be prepared. They will be looking at Ryan Miller to pull out one more amazing performance because he will be facing a barrage of Canadian shots. They can't let Canada wear them down.

The Prediction

My hockey mentor Don Cherry is picking Canada to win this game with a score of 5-3. After much debate and inner monologuing, I've decided that this game really could go either way. Canada could come out and rack up 5 goals in the first, and the US could possibly chase another goaltender from the Canada net. But since I have to make a prediction...I'm going to say that Ryan Miller does pull one more Oscar winning performance out of his butt and the US takes the gold with a score of 3-2. I think it's going to be a good game regardless, and no one south the international border will be disappointed no matter what the outcome.

But no matter what the score is, according to Gary Bettman, the NHL wins...apparently...God I hate this guy.

Sweden's Miracle on Ice

2010-02-27T08:54:00.004-05:00

By Annie Detroit

While we can rag on NBC for any number of follies, mistakes, and just plain absurdities in their broadcast of this year's Olympic Games; there is one area where they delivered on their promise...curling. There has been more curling on TV this year than I can ever remember.

Last night we were all able to witness what may be one of the biggest upsets of this year's games (aside from maybe the Sven Kramer speed skating coach incide nt).

Team Sweden in women's curling pulled off a stunning upset last night over Team Canada to take home their second straight gold medal from the Olympics.

Well, if they're the defending champions, how was it an upset?

While the sport of curling was created in Scotland, the Canadians consider it their sport for having perfected it. Being that the games this year are in Canada, there were high expectations for both men's and women's curling to bring in gold.

Canada posted four unanswered points going into the final end with a 6-4 lead. Sweden's Anette Norberg tied the game with a deuce to send it to an extra end. She was able to sneak one in near the button and it was up to Canada's Cheryl Bernard to peel it away in order to take the point and the gold. The line looked good as her sweepers dug into the ice, but it wasn't enough to knock the stone out of the house, and the Swedes began their celebration.

The Canadian men look to continue their dominance of the this year's curling tournament and take their gold against Norway and try to salvage half of the curling tournament. I don't need to tell you when and what channel the game will be broadcast, you'll see Norway's pants right away.

In Transit...

2010-02-26T18:11:00.003-05:00

by Slate Quicksilver

A post is coming but this one is not it. We are currently en transit to a city.

Geographic Clues:
Midwestern US
Beacon of population amongst a sea of nothing
Good Food
Terrible Sports teams

Taking of care of business here, folks, but please enjoy this. Particularly if you are wrapped up in the Nor'Easter that is bringing the northeastern quad to its knees and making usually civil New Englanders revert to martial law. (Note: Martial law in Connecticut is equivalent to an Earth Day Parade in Utah).

While you are freezing, take solace in this song, which will certainly warm your cockles.

Don't be afraid of the synthesizers, it's ok, that's just 1972 calling and he's looking for maybe a light toke and a maybe a little afternoon delight to top it off. Stoner boner is a tough fix, even with all of the Coors Banquet beers he's put back, but don't worry, he trimmed his trash 'stache, and there aren't strings attached. In fact, 1972's only over because you're both single, it's 3:30 and the local ball game ain't on til five on channel 3.

When the jasmines are in bloom, July will be dressed up and playing her tune, indeed.

In Praise of Pepsico's Throwback Promotion

2010-02-24T16:07:00.003-05:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

One of the things that has oft-divided this great nation is which brand of dark caramel colored and flavored sugar water you prefer. We are not short on options, though mostly it boils down to Coca-Cola versus Pepsico. I don't mean to diminish the contributions of Sam's Choice or RC Cola or Jones Soda (which I should, as you'll later see, ostensibly be praising), but let's be honest. The big cola money simply resides in those two.

I'm not entirely certain of the soda (or pop, as one writer on this site is apt to say) preferences in this site's reader base, but allow me to paint with a broad brush here--those of us from the southern part of the United States are more likely to prefer Coca-Cola and those from the northern part are more likely to prefer Pepsi. I have really only the empirical evidence from my life to back this up. When I was but a young lad, most places where I was from only served Coke. My parents did the sensible thing with substitute goods--they bought the one on sale. Indeed, Coke v. Pepsi is often the textbook economic example of a substitute good. As I got older, however, and considerably more eccentric, I began to develop a preference.

Nowadays, the only soda I normally consume (outside of bars as a mixer) is typically Coke Zero, in part because I have grown to like it, but also in part because I have had a falling out with Hugo Chavez and this is my way of passive-aggressively informing him. Recently, I have found that Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like Regular Dr. Pepper than one may give credit for. The development that captured my heart, though, was Pepsi's Throwback promotion.

For those not familiar, Pepsi Throwback uses the older variant of cola formation, most specifically the use of (what I assume is) cane/beet sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup, one of my mortal enemies. Without delving into the political side of things, it is my belief that HFCS is one of the stronger causes of obesity in this country, which is why I personally avoid it whenever possible. Nevertheless and setting that point aside, I have found from this promotion that soda just flat out tastes better with sugar. For more HFCS resources and critcisms/defenses, click here.

What are the differences in the sodas? HFCS sodas just taste like syrupy water. Pure Sugar Sodas actually taste like something. There's a fuller body to the taste. You drink one and you're quite satiated for a good amount of time. No more pounding multiple sodas in a row to slake one's thirst, unless you really want to have the throwback to third grade sugar high/crash. Because you don't have to consume as many to get the sweet tooth filled, you'll end up consuming less. If you didn't get a chance to try some of the stuff, I definitely recommend picking some up next time.

So, I applaud Pepsi for rolling out this campaign. It was pretty tough to find any PT cans around town, but there's been an ample stock of Mountain Dew cans. Alas, the promotion ended, but I made sure to have enough to last me for a good 4 months. If only this was made into a permanent line of drinks, I would gladly pay extra to have some, but most (rational) folks would not. A pity.

Public Service Announcement / Opportunity for Free Food

2010-02-23T09:09:00.002-05:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Part of this blog's duty is to blog about food, though you may not know it. So, in light of this, it's time to alert the nation about a free food opportunity.

Today, the International House of Pancakes ("IHOP") is giving away a short stack of pancakes from 7 AM EST to 10 PM EST. Sure, there is the whole thing about maybe possibly considering donating to Children's Miracle Network just a small portion of your vast allotment of riches. But, if you're okay with being a cheap bastard who is okay with prolonging children's suffering, then free pancakes, man.

Here are the deets. Go forth and prosper.

Sports Smörgåsbord for February 22, 2010

2010-02-22T20:24:00.002-05:00

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Since I've got a lot of thoughts and can't pin down a topic, I'm going to throw them all out there and see what happens.

MLB - Judas Damon signs a one year deal with the Detroit Tigers, a move that makes sense, but one that fails to overwhelm. First, he's 36. Nobody post-PED-en-vogue era is going to have a career year, not to mention the inevitable padding his stats got because he was in the Yankees lineup. You've got to expect his age to catch up with him sometime. Still, a good and smart leadoff hitter will keep the Big Bopper happy (Miggy Cabrera) with the maintenance and possible exceeding of expectations in terms of R and RBI.

Second, Damon's numbers will (likely) be negatively altered by the change in ballpark. I'm expecting a reversion back a few years to his career average of about 15 HR. He also figures to have less RBI as well because of that heinous bottom of the order. Still, there's something to be said for consistency, and I'd expect to return a combination of 2004 and 2007 Damon stats, a line of something around .290, 15 HR, 80 RBI, 80 R and maybe 20 SB. That's still pretty good.

Third, his noodle arm isn't getting any better. It's never been terrific but manning LF for Detroit probably won't do him any favors. Hopefully he doesn't impact either Austin Jackson or Ryan Raburn in the quest for a better OF (I would think Mags would be the bigger opposition, at any rate). Still, Damon's lack of defense is offset by his idiocy.

NBA - Maybe there's a reason to play the rest of the games after all. The Cleve has dropped three straight since their mega-trade, including one to my favorite squadron. While this isn't any reason to freak out (it normally takes time to integrate the so-called missing piece), it's always nice to have a pleasant reminder that anything is possible in the world of sports. In the coming weeks, we should start to see teams adjust their strategy while jockeying for either lottery balls or playoff seeding, fortuitously timed with March Madness and college basketball conference tournaments.

Hockey - The United States beat Canada 5-2 in the Olympics the other day. I feel, as a pretty disinterested party in both the Olympics and Hockey, that I represent the average American, so I feel I can speak for the general public when I say, "U-S-A! U-S-A! That'll show those hosers what's what!"

However, some mere puffers are claiming this is the biggest victory since Lake Placid. Is that even remotely close to true? From what I understand, it's not like America is guaranteed a medal yet. The victory over the Pinko Commies in 1980 is one of the biggest sports events ever. Comparing this non-medal round upset of the Canadians to that game is completely and utterly blasphemous in my opinion. See, I can be overreactionary like the average bandwagon fan, too.

And finally, in the Stuff Nobody Cares About department...

It's intramural time again (at least in the warm weather states). In softball, Team Jolly Drank is 1-0 with a 13-2 victory last night. Your fearless writer has the Eli Marrero (get used to hearing his name bandied about during baseball season around here) position on lock, playing RF/C for the team and going 2-3 with 2 R. Not a bad debut, but man, am I out of shape.

Nostalgia Time: Lake Placid 1980

2010-02-21T11:35:00.002-05:00

By Annie Detroit

I thought this next Nostalgia Time should allow us to reflect on what will never again be.

While I do believe in miracles, I do not believe that as long as NHL players play in the Olympics, another miracle will happen. With almost all of the Men's Hockey participants coming from the National Hockey League and Kontinental Hockey League, the best amatuer talent in the sport is now brushed aside to make way for what? Another two weeks we see a bunch of all-stars do what they're paid millions to do...their job.
To the players who skated on that 1980 team, hockey wasn't a job. It was a passion and lifestyle. They played so they could play. Many were convinced they wouldn't cut it in the NHL, so this was their last hoorah before they hung up their skates.
Watching these Olympics in Vancouver, I do see that passion carried on the ice, but not by the players that came from the NHL. Mats Zuccarello Aasen for team Norway caught my attention yesterday during the game between Norway and Switzerland because of his scrappy play that is a rare commodity in the NHL these days. He stands at a mere 5'7" and reminded me (and apparently the announcers) of Theo Fleury before the booze.
It was the kind of passion and love for the game that kids like him are bringing form the corners of the world. I don't really look forward to watching Canada vs. USA tonight because I will be watching two all-star teams try to out score each other, not out play each other. While Herb Brooks and the 1980 US team spent months analyzing, studying, and designing their game to beat the Soviet team, you won't see that in this new era of Olympic hockey. The players show up the day before the games, throw on a uniform, and go out there. If they win, it looks great on their resume when they file for free agency next year. If they don't win, they go back to their million dollar homes and back to their regular schedule of playing hockey for money with the hope that they'll win a Stanley Cup. The non-NHLers and non-KHLers don't have that luxury. They'll go back to Europe and their low paying jobs and hope that one day they'll get to play again. Those are the players I want to see in the Olympics, because they're the ones who play like their lives depend on it. They're the ones who are playing for their lives, just like all the other athletes in the games. That's the way it should be and that's what makes the games great.

Your NBA Status Report for the Trade Deadline, Part II - Everything Else. Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales

2010-02-20T09:59:00.002-05:00

This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's a clip. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Alright, friends, part II. Here's where Stan takes a look at everything else that happened at the trade deadline and offers my not-so-humble opinion. Lots to do, so let's jump right into it.

The Big Deal - Cavs/Wizards/Clippers Trade

Do you know what I like more when making trades? Moxie. Testicular Fortitude. Gumption. This trade is absolutely LOADED with it. First, Cleveland acquires the one piece they needed to become a complete matchup nightmare---a guy who can slot into the 4/PF spot and stretch the floor, not unlike my man Rashard Lewis. If Ilgauskas comes back to them, like most expect, then Cleveland will probably have too many bodies not to be the odds-on favorite. Though, I would love to meet up with them again in the playoffs. I'll put Marcin on Z and we can have the Eastern European White Guy Ballet when it comes to gettin' rebounds. Stan's about winning, sure, but Stan is also an entertainer!

Speaking of moxie, the LAC put it all on the table. They're got cap room in the biggest FA class ever. They are making a run at LeBron, no doubt. This has to be one of the great dream scenarios for the NBA. A cross town rivalry with Kobe. Bright lights of LA. A megasuperstar drawing in tickets for one of the most laughed at franchises in all of sports. Hell, this could entice even Donald Sterling to spend money! The Clips would no doubt give LeBron carte blanche to pick his coach and his teammates. Talk about laying it on the line! The summer shopping season just got more interesting.

As for Washington, they did what the Clippers did, only less so, and have slightly less space to use and a much less attractive roster. Overwhelming "ehh" for them.

Chicago trades John Salmons to MIL for Hakim Warrick and Joe Alexander AND
Chicago trades Tyrus Thomas to CHA for Flip Murray, Acie Law IV, and a draft pick of unknown date and time

I lumped these two together to make one point about Chicago: they want to bring Dwyane Wade home. The net effect of these two trades is that Chi-Town can now pursue its most favored son since MJ. Would Dwyane want to come back home? Certainly never hurt anyone. Will he? Stan's going to go on the record and state that Dwyane Wade WILL sign with the Bulls in the summer. When you're a big kid and you can fulfill your dreams that you had in your youth with your future all but set, it sometimes proves too tempting to overcome.

Interestingly enough, Chicago seemingly is going to let both Milwaukee and Charlotte (CHARLOTTE!) pass them for playoff berths. They'll all be competing for perhaps the same 6-8 slots with Toronto, but do not be shocked if Chicago misses the playoffs directly because of the players they traded to these other franchises. Like the LAC, Chicago's making a big gamble on Wade over summer, something that is SVG approved, much like our 5 yr, 60,000 mile powertrain warranty on any of our fine selection of used cars. I'm so confident you'll want one of our cars that I'm gonna throw on a brand-new warranty on a used car. Talk about balls! Stan's got 'em and so do you, but you shouldn't need to use 'em when selecting one of my vehicles.

Finally, the draft pick in this deal is quite curious. John Hollinger notes that because of the rule that states a team can't dump its first rounders in consecutive years, Chicago may not realize the pick for quite some time. Paraphrasing, he notes that Charlotte owes a 2010 pick to MN. Because it's a lottery-protected pick, if Charlotte makes the lottery the next year, then that pick also goes to MN and Chicago is holding the bag until 2013. However, their 2011 pick is also conditionally owed to someone, so if that's realized, the Bulls are waiting until 2014, and so on and so forth. You'll never get this kind of confusion at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales.

The T-Mac Trade: New York, Houston, and Sac-Town

T-Mac goes to the Knicks to help clear cap room for NY's run at LeBron and Bosh/Wade (his mammoth contract expires at the end of the year). They also land Sergio Rodriguez, who is the kind of point guard needed for Mike D'Antoni's system (think a Steve Nash type, though not as good, obviously). I know I said earlier that I like gumption in deals, but this current bid by the Knicks kinda scares me. The supporting cast for the potentially two max free agents coming in is rather...bare bones. It's like buying a base level car; sure, it's a car but where the sizzle? If their gamble doesn't pay off, the Knicks will take a long time to recover. Longer than they were on pace before? Maybe.

Sacto sets themselves up with a great PF in Carl Landry. This ought to help overcome their frontcourt scoring woes. More importantly, this gives SAC some cap room for maybe a run at Joe Johnson, a taller PG with some awesome passing skills. You can then move Tyreke Evans to SG and hey, you've got yourself a little team going there.

Houston grabs Kevin Martin, an SVG favorite, and reinforces their depth at PF after trading Landry away by getting 1st rounder Jordan Hill to back up Luis Scola. They also grabbed two assumedly lottery picks from the NYK (unless the Knicks land the #1 pick this year...that's protected). They did all this while lowering payroll. Unbelievable. I thought Zeke Thomas wasn't GMing in NY anymore?

Winners of the Trade Deadline

Cleveland
Houston
Dallas
Seattle (yes, Seattle, not where they actually play)

Losers of the Trade Deadline

Phoenix
San Antonio
Phoenix again

Well, that concludes my analysis on the trade deadline. I'll try and make another appearance. I've always wanted to analyze the NCAA tournament so hopefully PLS lets Ol' Stanny try his luck there. Remember, here at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. If you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAAYYYY TOO MUCH. Stan Van Gundy Used Auto Sales: Doin' Whatever it Takes To Earn Yer Business! Have a good one!