by Slate Quicksilver
Group
B:
Netherlands
Ranking (for April
2012): 4
How they
qualified: Qualifying Group E Winner
The Dutch scored 37 goals on their way to qualifying for
this installment of the EURO Cup. But
that comes with a considerably large asterisk.
The Netherlands were benefitted by having San Marino (yes the world’s
smallest country) in their group wherein they won 11-0 and 5-0. San Marino would go on in 10 games to be
score an entire zero times and give up 53 goals. Even though the Dutch were likely destined to
win this group with ease, scoring 37 goals in 10 games is a bit of an
aberration. So, with their typical
competence and occasional flash the Oranje made it back easily to a tournament
where they typically perform really well.
But hey, when you have a deep stock of talented midfielders (Sneijder,
van der Vaart, van Bommel, de Jong, et. al) feeding world class strikers (Van
Persie, Robben)… you should expect to
not break a sweat beating the likes of Moldova and Finland.
American Sports
Team They Are Most Like: Philadelphia
Flyers. Orange as dominant color? Check.
Religious fanaticism in fan base?
Check. Revolutionized game in
70s? Check (though in different
ways). Has had all time greats play for
them, but haven’t won jack in decades and regularly finish in second in the
end? Triple check.
How will they
fare?
If they weren’t in this wood thresher of a qualifying
group, it would be easy to do absolutely no research and just assume they’ll
get on to the next stage easily. The
Netherlands are orders of magnitude better than every other team in the world
save for about 10 or so. Unfortunately,
2 of those teams are in this round robin group (Germany and Portugal). There is one known thing about the Dutch
national team: defense is not all that
important. You can score goals on these
guys, but as John Madden once said, “the team who scores the most points
usually wins”… and the Dutch usually outscore the other team. Also weighing on them is a 3-0 loss to
Germany back in November. It also took a late stoppage time goal at Wembley
against England to steal a 3-2 win.
Considering Germany is here and Portugal (who can score at any time
provided they get off the bus) is also in the group, moving on is not nearly a
guarantee. The smart money is on a
qualification to the knockout stage, but an opening game loss to Denmark (which
is entirely possible) would be a death sentence.
Germany
Ranking: 2
How they
qualified: Qualifying Group A Winner
Germany winning Group A was as safe a bet as you could
hope for the world of sports betting.
This is no surprise, because when it comes to prolonged success Germany
is the poster boy in Europe. They are
the Brazil and New York Yankees of Europe.
Any down times are momentary and are usually followed by breathtaking resurgences
and startling successes. Look at the
rest of Europe’s superpowers: Spain’s
newly found success is on the heels of decades of desert wandering. Portugal’s fantastic domestic players have trouble
coalescing in to a “team-like substance.”
France celebrated winning the ’98 World Cup by losing the opening game
of the ’02 tourney against minnow Senegal (and were an embarrassment in
2010). England is resting on laurels
from the 60s and the Dutch are the William Jennings Bryan of international
success. And Italy? Lulz @ the mercurial team with crushing
expectations to which they almost never rise to. Die Mannschaft steamrolled all in their way…
including Belgium, Azerbaijan and Kazakhstan (who is in Central Asia… I
thought) on their way to the EURO 2012 tourney.
American Sports
Team They Are Most Like: New York
Yankees. For repeated success throughout
the decades and at one time both were run by unstable, paranoid, authoritarian
people who were hated by billions.
How will they
fare?
Like the Netherlands, Germany is usually an easy lock to
go through a round-robin phase of a tournament. But they, too, are hampered by the strength of
this group. Germany’s midfield is
incredible, and young. Same for defense. And Manuel Neuer may be the best goalie in
the world. But striker is a weak
point: Cacau and Miroslav Klose are
relics of another time and Mario Gomez (26) can’t be expected to be the only
man up top (though, if you had to pick one man… you could do a lot worse). Oddly enough, Germany can likely handle the
high powered offenses of the Dutch and scumbags from Portugal (more on that
later)… it’s the “weakest” team in the group that could make things tough: Denmark.
Denmark is the only team with a lockdown, air tight defense. A team like Denmark can counter a juggernaut
like Germany to the point of embarrassment.
They need to be patient and not get caught with too many men attacking
because the Danish will make them pay for it.
A German win keeps it all normal… a German loss will create havoc in
Group B.
Denmark
Ranking: 9
How they
qualified: Qualifying Group H Winner
The 9th ranking in the world for Denmark
shouldn’t be a shock. If you are a top
10 team in Europe and win most of your games losing only to the big fish in the
pond like England or Spain… you are bound to have peaks and valleys. Denmark is peaking at the current moment. They have Anders Lindegaard, who in the
Danish tradition of world class goalies (Peter Schmeichel, anyone?), is
currently stopping shots for Manchester United.
When he feels like showing up, Niklas Bendtner is a world class striker…
though he was wasting away with Sunderland this year on loan from Arsenal. Those players help a very traditional
northern European counter-attacking team who you underestimate at your
peril. And they had to qualify against
Group B roommate Portugal, who they easily outperformed in qualifying. So what’s the problem? Why won’t they repeat their 1992 EURO Cup
win?
American Sports
Team They Are Most Like: San Diego
Chargers. Peaks and valleys are the best
explanation for both teams throughout the decades. There were valleys when the Chargers barely
fielded what could be considered a “football team,” and the same can be said
for Denmark. But in peak years, watch
out… though they are a safe bet to flame
out in super important games.
How will they
fare?
Poor Denmark.
Poor, poor Denmark. This should
be their time. To be paired with Germany
OR the Netherlands would suck. But being
stuck with both… AND Portugal? Ouchies. For a Danish team who can safely build a
bunker and not worry about winning by large margins, this group is
anathema. They will not only need to
win, but also they’ll need to win by wide margins. They can beat Portugal… they beat them in
qualifying and can do so again... and we’ll get to Portugal’s weaknesses in a
minute. But they absolutely need to
steal something from Germany and then not get embarrassed by the Dutch. A defensive minded team can always stand a
puncher’s chance in big tournaments. In
1998, they went all the way to the quarterfinals and gave Brazil a good
scare. In 1992 they forged their
nickname, Danish Dynamite, and won the EURO Cup over heavy favorites
Germany. Will it happen again? Meh.
Portugal
Ranking: 5
How they
qualified: Playoff Winner
Portugal is known some of the best club team players in
the world. But they are arrogant
pricks who nobody likes and they all should be thrown in to a volcano. However, they have trouble balancing flair
and creativity with teamwork and cohesion on the field. In truth, the soccer world would be better
off without their scumbag diving, overconfident douchebaggery and flagrant
disregard for sportsmanship. Many in
the soccer world do not find Portugal to be their cup of tea, and perhaps some
of the criticism is warranted. If
their attitudes even slightly reflected their talent… like 10% of it… they’d be
a superpower both at an international and domestic level, however egos, vanity
(THEY PUT FUCKING HAIR GEL IN THEIR HAIR BEFORE THEY PLAY) and a lack of
ability to manage those issues are why Portugal hopefully will never catch a whiff
of success ever. Portugal needed to
win by goal differential over Norway to go to the UEFA playoffs, where they
lucked out and got Bosnia as an opponent who they handled with ease. Portugal sucks. Portugal sucks.
American Sports
Team They Are Most Like:
Philadelphia Eagles. Outside of
the 50 square miles of Pennsylvania and New Jersey where they have fans, there
are few who don’t wish a meteor would annihilate their stadium (preferably
while they played the Cowboys or Patriots).
Oh, and they haven’t won shit in their existence.
How will they
fare?
Portugal being ranked 5th in the world shows
that mathematically speaking, the Portuguese have a good team. But since the beginning of 2011, the best
team they’ve beaten was a home win against Finland… the rest of their games
outside of qualifying were garbage. In
this group, it’s really hard to peg where to put them. They can score, score and score. They can move the ball and command the
midfield. But they have no defense and
are terribly weak at goalie. This is
lining them up to be in a few shootouts, particularly the Dutch, which would
make for some great watching if not for the fact that they will dive every time
a stiff breeze comes by. I’m going to
take the position that they are not going to show up for this, which would make
me (and a billion other people) so happy.
Watching Portugal lose is like watching Duke lose in the first round of
the NCAA tournament (add highlights from this year).
Predictions:
Netherlands 7 points
Germany 7
points
Portugal 1
point
Denmark 1
point
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