Weak stock of games this week, so there is only 5 worth any predictions. So weak, in fact, that only Slate and Iroquois made predictions.
(1) Florida - Georgia
Iroquois:
Don't send my boy to Tennessee
The dying mother said.
Don't send my boy to Alabam'
I'd rather see him dead.
But send my boy to Florida
'Tis better than Cornell.
But as for University of Georgia:
I'd RATHER SEE HIM IN HELL!
CHORUS:
To hell, to hell to hell with Georgia,
To hell, to hell to hell with Georgia,
To hell, to hell to hell with Georgia,
The Cesspool of the South!
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the stomping of the dogs,
We will teach those poor darn farmboys they should stick to slopping hogs,
When the Gators are triumphant we will raise a mighty cheer,
"We'll do the same next year!"
On the field between the hedges there arose a mighty stench,
In the dog machine the engineers will throw a monkey wrench,
When the Gators are triumphant we will raise a mighty yell,
"Them dogs can go to hell!"
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the NCAA,
They're investigating Georgia players to see how much their paid,
After counting all the cars, and the loans alumni made,
They outpaid FSU!!
Apologies, GT fans.
UF over UGA
Slate:
I'm not 100% sure if the fires and carnage have truly been put out from last year's anal pilliaging in Jacksonville. Brandon Spikes set the tone early by re-introducing himself to Mr. Knowshon Moreno in a socially responsible, yet aggressive, fashion. Now we come back to Jacksonville with the Bulldogs containing a powerfully anemic offense that only showed up once this year, a suspended starter on the line and a QB who does not look good even against terrible defenses.
However last year, Florida's offense was a rolling dreadnaught of death that decapitated all of those unfortunate enough to be in its lethal path. GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR, if you will. Currently, Florida's offense is nowhere near GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR. Florida's defense is something GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR is fond of, and that will be why Florida wins. But the redzone offense needs to wake up.
UF over uga
(4) USC @ (10) Oregon
Iroquois:
This is shaping up to be a Pac-10 Pointsfest. USC's defense has been suspect of late and Oregon is still Oregon. LaMichael James is filling in quite nicely for LeGarrette Punch. Matt Barkley is still as impressive as he was earlier in the year, and Damian Williams could actually be the successful receiver that comes out of USC (with apologies to Steve Smith, NYG. He hadn't broken out until this year). Still, I can't imagine Petey Pie dropping this game.
USC over Oregon
Slate:
I don't get why, but LaGarrette Blount with be suited up for this game. Since Oregon's crapping of the bed in Boise, their offense has been a whirling dervish of death and vengence. USC's defense is less than good and USC's offense is less than amazing. Points will be everywhere in Eugene, but I think the person standing with gun in their hand after the smoke clears will be Oregon. This will finally end the USC Fun Cruise.
Oregon over USC
(3) Texas @ (13) Oklahoma State
Slate:
How Dez Bryant is suspended for the rest of the season while LaGarrette Blount is playing this week is perplexing. Consequently, the Will Muschamp led Longhorns defense will embarrass the Cowboy defense all day. Blowout alert!
Texas way over OK. State
Iroquois:
I don't have any justification for this, really, seeings how Okie Doke State isn't very good. In fact, this game will probably end up much like the woodshedding on Mizzou last week. However, Zac Robinson has really been playing well in spite of losing Dez Bryant and Kendall Hunter, thanks to improved play on the OL. I also believe Colt McCoy will start pressing more, as he does need to impress H----man voters, and OSU might be able to take advantage. If OSU jumps out to an early lead and can hold Texas on a few possessions, watch out.
Okie Doke State over Texas
(6) Iowa @ Indiana
Slate:
Iowa has dodged 4 bullets this year: Northern Iowa, Arkansas State, Michigan and Michigan State. They aren't just playing house money, the are playing with stolen money from the Russian mob money. Eventually, a gentleman named Petrov will come to their house, shoot them and their family in the kneecaps and elbows, douse the house with kerosene and light it on fire with the condition that if they all get out alive, they can go to the Outback Bowl. They will also earn Petrov's respect, which is hard to come by.
Corn barely over Indiana
Iroquois:
Hmm. Iowa is very lucky they haven't lost 2-3 games now, I tell ya what. They were a phony PI call and a non-RTP call away from losing to Arky St. and should not have beaten MSU last week but for a terrible defensive playcall by Sparta. However, they keep winning and I must acknowledge them for that. Seeings how my last few attempts to unseat the Corn were ineffective, let's try this.
Corn over Indiana
(21) South Carolina @ Tennessee
Iroquois:
Tennessee is favored in this game, and I can see why. Montario Hardesty has been running like a younger Travis Henry (sans siring) of late and the defense, captained by former Bucs planner Monte Kiffin, has been showing up in big games (e.g. the moral victories against UF and Bama.) They also have homefield advantage in the Rocky Top Toiletbowl. I just can't bring myself to pick them. As much as this is hedging my bets, I fully expect TN to win this game, but because I can't bring myself to actually select them to win...
SCAR over TN
Slate:
Kiffin the Younger still can't get a big win. Kiffin the Older has to be really pissed about this. He perfectly gameplanned Florida, Georgia and Alabama, yet they only took one of those three games. Now the Ol' Ball Coach rolls into Knoxville with his offense. Granted, his offense is limited because of Stephen Garcia at the helm. That's not good. But let's look at this. Monte Kiffin was the D-coordinator in 2003 for the Redskins. In 2003, Spurrier was the head coach/offensive coordinator for the Redskins. They played and the result: Tampa 35 Redskins 13. Kiffin crushed the Redskins' offense. But now Kiffin Sr. has to deal with Kiffin Jr.'s miserably bad offense.
SCAR over TN
Showing posts with label Bulletproof logic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bulletproof logic. Show all posts
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
World Cup Qualifying? Here?
by Slate Quicksilver
Yes, friends, World Cup qualifying updates are here. Well, sort of. 23 teams already have qualified. Some are the obvious ones who will probably be great next summer: Brazil, England, Germany Spain... and others will get steamrolled due to obvious reasons: North Korea, Honduras. In Europe, where eleventy billion teams get to qualify for the World Cup, they are in the last stages of qualifying. Four spots remain, 8 teams want to get in. Potlucksports rocks the knowledge on this using logic, military history and preconceived notions about each country to ascertain who will get in and who won't. And yes, stereotypes will be tossed around like coupons at a Bar Mitzvah.
Europe takes 9 groups and all the winners of those groups move on. The 2nd place teams (except one loser... this time's loser: NORWAY) get thrown into a lottery wherein FIFA world ranking gives you balls in a pot or something and then basically the good teams usually play the not as good teams and they move on. WTF? No BCS? No AP poll or Harris Poll or Sagarin ranking? The teams play a home and home next month and then BAM we have the last people to qualify.
Matchup Number 1:
Ireland vs. France
Ireland:
Military: Not much here, sadly. The problem they have is that they were subjugated by the British for centuries and then never really fought in a war. They became independent early in the 20th Century, but they didn't fight in WWII. They were neutral. So we must go outside the box and remember Boondock Saints, that pretty little movie wherein two Irish ex-pats go bonkers on the Italian and Russian mobs and look badass doing it.
6 out of 10
Stereotype:
If they are Irish, they will be drunk at the game. No question there. Soccer usually requires an amount of coordination, so this could be an issue.
5 out of 10
France:
Military:
HA! France? Military?!!? Let's dig into the old joke book:
How many men does it take to successfully defend Paris?
None, it's never been done before!
How do you stop the famed French Cavalry?
Pull the plug on the carousel!
Why don't they have fireworks at EuroDisney in France?
Everytime they shot them off, the French would try to surrender!
Why does the new French Navy have glass bottoms?
To see the old French Navy!
-249 out of 10
Stereotype:
Snooty, self-important, lack of proper hygiene, wine > beer, general distaste for anyone not French (except this guy for some reason).
8 out of 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that IRELAND WILL WIN.
Portugal vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina:
Portugal:
Military:
Once a world power in terms of trading and shipping, but they were stupid enough to fall for the old "Line of Demarcation Made Up by the Pope" trick. They gave up most of North America back in the late 1400s to Spain... before it even was cool to strip the land of its resources and kill off or subjugate the indigenous people. Even worse, the Pope who oversaw and pushed the treaty through was SPANISH! Idiots.
1 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Not much here, really. However their soccer players are the punk ass bitches of the soccer universe. They flop if a player comes within 1 inch of them, they act as if their legs are being run over by a steamroller if it is just slightly windy outside, and they are just generally not nice people.
4 out of 10
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Military:
Before we get all Pro-US, we must recognize that it was a UN effort to obliterate the Bosnian rebels back in the mid 90s. So we will lay off the "USA USA USA" chants for now. It should be noted that one of their own did start WWI by assassinating some guy over who was going to leave the tip or something... though that may have been Davy Crockett. History is not this author's best topic.
2 out of 10
Stereotypes:
None that are known to Americans other than the FACT THAT WE KICKED THEIR ASS IN THE MID 90s! USA! USA! USA! ALL THE WAY! ALL THE WAY!
1 out of 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that Portugal WILL WIN. But we hate them.
Greece vs. Ukraine:
Greece:
Military:
Way to just roll over in WWII, Greece. I mean seriously. The allies had Eastern Mediterranean on lockdown and then you guys had to fold just because Nazi's were parachuting on you. Big whoop. You used to be something. You were Greece! You had the Spartans! Come on, Greece! And Alexander the Great, all he did was wreck people's shit all the way from the Balkan Peninsula to India! Oh wait, what's that? He was from Macedonia. Oh... ouch. Macedonia is its own country these days. That's a few point deduction.
Military:
6 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Hairy, bullish, gyros, tzatziki sauce and way to many letters in their words.
3 out of 10
Ukraine:
Military:
Depends on how you want to go. They have been part of the Mongol Empire (seriously good +8) Russia (very good +6), the Ottoman Empire (sorta good +3) and Poland (the worst ever even including France -9). But they were part of Poland for only a few years.
8 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Not all that many. I once had a teacher from the Ukraine. He was a good guy with a weird sense of humor. We "Americanized" him by teaching him slang and it culminated in taking him to a baseball game.
0 out 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that GREECE WILL WIN. Then again, it is written.
Russia vs. Slovenia:
Russia:
Military:
Ummm... it's Russia. Russia doesn't play with anyone. That's why they invented the Tsar Bomba. Bitches don't fuck wid Russia.
11 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Drunk, Communist, Beard, Stalin, bad space program and vodka
8 out of 10
After computing the scores we have decided that RUSSIA WILL WIN.
So Ireland, Portugal, Greece and Russia will all go on to the World Cup. Then we will do more stereotypes later on to predict the winner of the World Cup thanks to the easy steps we just used.
Yes, friends, World Cup qualifying updates are here. Well, sort of. 23 teams already have qualified. Some are the obvious ones who will probably be great next summer: Brazil, England, Germany Spain... and others will get steamrolled due to obvious reasons: North Korea, Honduras. In Europe, where eleventy billion teams get to qualify for the World Cup, they are in the last stages of qualifying. Four spots remain, 8 teams want to get in. Potlucksports rocks the knowledge on this using logic, military history and preconceived notions about each country to ascertain who will get in and who won't. And yes, stereotypes will be tossed around like coupons at a Bar Mitzvah.
Europe takes 9 groups and all the winners of those groups move on. The 2nd place teams (except one loser... this time's loser: NORWAY) get thrown into a lottery wherein FIFA world ranking gives you balls in a pot or something and then basically the good teams usually play the not as good teams and they move on. WTF? No BCS? No AP poll or Harris Poll or Sagarin ranking? The teams play a home and home next month and then BAM we have the last people to qualify.
Matchup Number 1:
Ireland vs. France
Ireland:
Military: Not much here, sadly. The problem they have is that they were subjugated by the British for centuries and then never really fought in a war. They became independent early in the 20th Century, but they didn't fight in WWII. They were neutral. So we must go outside the box and remember Boondock Saints, that pretty little movie wherein two Irish ex-pats go bonkers on the Italian and Russian mobs and look badass doing it.
6 out of 10
Stereotype:
If they are Irish, they will be drunk at the game. No question there. Soccer usually requires an amount of coordination, so this could be an issue.
5 out of 10
France:
Military:
HA! France? Military?!!? Let's dig into the old joke book:
How many men does it take to successfully defend Paris?
None, it's never been done before!
How do you stop the famed French Cavalry?
Pull the plug on the carousel!
Why don't they have fireworks at EuroDisney in France?
Everytime they shot them off, the French would try to surrender!
Why does the new French Navy have glass bottoms?
To see the old French Navy!
-249 out of 10
Stereotype:
Snooty, self-important, lack of proper hygiene, wine > beer, general distaste for anyone not French (except this guy for some reason).
8 out of 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that IRELAND WILL WIN.
Portugal vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina:
Portugal:
Military:
Once a world power in terms of trading and shipping, but they were stupid enough to fall for the old "Line of Demarcation Made Up by the Pope" trick. They gave up most of North America back in the late 1400s to Spain... before it even was cool to strip the land of its resources and kill off or subjugate the indigenous people. Even worse, the Pope who oversaw and pushed the treaty through was SPANISH! Idiots.
1 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Not much here, really. However their soccer players are the punk ass bitches of the soccer universe. They flop if a player comes within 1 inch of them, they act as if their legs are being run over by a steamroller if it is just slightly windy outside, and they are just generally not nice people.
4 out of 10
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Military:
Before we get all Pro-US, we must recognize that it was a UN effort to obliterate the Bosnian rebels back in the mid 90s. So we will lay off the "USA USA USA" chants for now. It should be noted that one of their own did start WWI by assassinating some guy over who was going to leave the tip or something... though that may have been Davy Crockett. History is not this author's best topic.
2 out of 10
Stereotypes:
None that are known to Americans other than the FACT THAT WE KICKED THEIR ASS IN THE MID 90s! USA! USA! USA! ALL THE WAY! ALL THE WAY!
1 out of 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that Portugal WILL WIN. But we hate them.
Greece vs. Ukraine:
Greece:
Military:
Way to just roll over in WWII, Greece. I mean seriously. The allies had Eastern Mediterranean on lockdown and then you guys had to fold just because Nazi's were parachuting on you. Big whoop. You used to be something. You were Greece! You had the Spartans! Come on, Greece! And Alexander the Great, all he did was wreck people's shit all the way from the Balkan Peninsula to India! Oh wait, what's that? He was from Macedonia. Oh... ouch. Macedonia is its own country these days. That's a few point deduction.
Military:
6 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Hairy, bullish, gyros, tzatziki sauce and way to many letters in their words.
3 out of 10
Ukraine:
Military:
Depends on how you want to go. They have been part of the Mongol Empire (seriously good +8) Russia (very good +6), the Ottoman Empire (sorta good +3) and Poland (the worst ever even including France -9). But they were part of Poland for only a few years.
8 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Not all that many. I once had a teacher from the Ukraine. He was a good guy with a weird sense of humor. We "Americanized" him by teaching him slang and it culminated in taking him to a baseball game.
0 out 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that GREECE WILL WIN. Then again, it is written.
Russia vs. Slovenia:
Russia:
Military:
Ummm... it's Russia. Russia doesn't play with anyone. That's why they invented the Tsar Bomba. Bitches don't fuck wid Russia.
11 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Drunk, Communist, Beard, Stalin, bad space program and vodka
8 out of 10
After computing the scores we have decided that RUSSIA WILL WIN.
So Ireland, Portugal, Greece and Russia will all go on to the World Cup. Then we will do more stereotypes later on to predict the winner of the World Cup thanks to the easy steps we just used.
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