Blood is Best

By Annie Detroit

Growing up in Canada, there really is only one sport that matters…curling. Unfortunately, it couldn’t quite quench that unendurable thirst I felt for violence and blood. So I turned the second most popular sport, hockey. I remember back in the day after a long day at the dojo with my family, huddling around the television and watching Hockey Night in Canada (with the original music, not this new crappy one…what’s with the bagpipes, are we Irish!?) I dreamed of one day suiting up and carrying on the great traditions of Bob Probert, Tie Domi, and Dave “Tiger” Williams. But I knew I was destined for other things. It wouldn’t be until years later that I realized working for [DELETED INFORMATION] and traveling the world to foil the world’s criminal masterminds, that my work serves a different purpose. I remember once when I was in [DELETED INFORMATION], I was just about to [DELETED INFORMATION] and I [DELETED INFORMATION] with my gun…that was funny, it popped right back in.

I digress. Having never visited the southern regions of the United States (my company was never able to secure the Visas for such a visit), I am thankful for my colleagues and the knowledge they will be able to provide you on the things to which I remain ignorant. Especially when relating to our food theme. For instance, I have no idea what “sweet tea” is, or “lemonade.” I only know of two kinds of beverages introduced in my youth, Labatt and Molson. Though to eat, I certainly delve into my carnivoristic nature.

I prefer the one on the left

I have pledged my undying allegiance to the Detroit Red Wings for many reasons. Their plethora of Hall of Fame players (Gordie Howe, Ted Lindsay, Sid Abel, Glenn Hall, Terry Sawchuk, soon to be inductee Steve Yzerman) as well as the other famous/infamous players from my youth (Vladimir Konstantinov, Bob Probert, Stu Grimson, Pat Verbeek, and Joey Kocur). These upstanding citizens were great ambassadors to the game. It wasn’t until March 26, 1997 that I was rewarded for my loyalty. Blood, violence, Colorado pansies sprawled across the ice…it was the greatest day of my life.

Well, that’s enough chit-chat for now, I don’t want to be late to [DELETED INFORMATION] where I’ll be [DELETED INFORMATION]. Ta-ta for now.

Sports, Food, and Sports Food

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

1. Introduction on Sports

Ever since I was a sequentially designated infant in the Illuminatus compound, I have been a huge fan of the Florida Gators. It was there foretold that the world of college sports will favor the Florida Gators. This recent run of championships has not been coincidence or the result of hard work. Oh no, friends. This was predetermined. Aside from the Gators, though, my greatest sports passion is college football, so that will be a preponderance of my writing.

In addition to the Florida Gators, I’m a big fan of the Orlando Magic, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and Boston Red Sox. Yes, one of them does not fit in there, but I’ve been consistent in my following. In addition, I don’t find NASCAR revolting, I don’t understand hockey, and Margaret Thatcher is quite a proficient water skier.

2. Introduction on Food

Seeing as how the majority of my existence has been spent in the South, I have a great love for food indigenous to the region. If you think a food contributes to the obesity epidemic in America, chances are it is high on my list of good eats. This is a good segway sentence into Sports Food.

3. Introduction on Sports Food

Florida v. Ole Miss, 2007. Feast your eyes upon this grandeur of a concession:

http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v133/207/101/2032075/n2032075_42386848_8098.jpg

That’s paprika, nachos, melted cheese, and barbeque pulled pork. I have yet to see any in-stadium concession that comes close.

My drink of choice during football viewing is bourbon, sweet tea, and lemonade. The ingredients are pretty self-explanatory. I was forever hooked on bourbon during my trip to the Kentucky Derby when Seattle Slew and I went on a three day bender right after the race. Try a proportion of 35% bourbon, 55% sweet tea, and 10% lemonade.

4. Issues That Bother Me with Tangential Relevance to Aforementioned 3 Things

Who at the FOX Network decided that Michael Strahan was charismatic enough to graduate from endorsements and studio analysis to sitcoms? Also, doesn’t it seem like they use the same house for Tyler Perry’s television shows?

Now that the significant awkwardness of getting to know each other is over, I do hope you’ll find your way back here in the future. If not, expect a visit from Dave Coulier.

Greetings

By Slate Quicksiler

I'll spare the normal "hello"s and "who I am" spiel because you can read that on the sidebar of this site. I will be focusing mostly on college football, pro football, baseball, hockey, soccer, golf and food. Why so many topics of expertise? Because I'm Slate Quicksilver, that's why.

I once lead the Tartars over the Mongols and bartered their subjugation within the Mongol empire. When some leaders thought they could fight, I knew meeting their demands and showing that the people I was hired to defend were worth keeping. Baghdad, fifty thousand men in their garrison, thought it could hold out against those relentless horsebound archers. I showed Genghis Khan himself that the Tartars were excellent farmers and that their destruction would be a great folly. The impressed Khan was pleased. We played poker every other Thursday after that over at his place in Xanadu. The Caliphate in Baghdad wasn't as lucky. He had molten silver poured down his throat.

That being said, I am a huge football fan. College football allegiances are with the University of Florida and to a lesser extent Western Michigan University. Pro football is a tricky situation, but I root for the Jaguars which is not unlike the time I lead the strong people of Interior Kenya against British tyranny. It's a shame I had to leave. Baseball is a passion I have had for years, but the Quicksilver curse includes being a Florida Marlins fan. Successes coupled with crushing failures.

Wayne Huizenga: sworn arch-enemy of the Quicksilver Clan

Other sports teams I fancy are the Carolina Hurricanes/Hartford Whalers, which was the only battle I have ever lost. Losing the plucky Whale to the depths of a region of the country infatuated with NASCAR and college basketball. Things are better in the triangle now, but I fought so hard for the likes of Keith Primeau and Jeff O'Neill to stay in the Mall. You will also see me write on the issues of my college's basketball team, golf, lamenting the plight of the little team in college football and several other issues.

You will also see me, as well as my colleagues, write about food and drinks. To me, nothing is better than southern pit BBQ, sweet tea, cornbread, fried okra and peach/apricot cobbler finished off with a night cap of a half and half kentucky bourbon and coke. However, being a world traveler, there is also nothing like a chicken shawarma with feta cheese, fatty tuna nigiri or an enchilada with proper spicy sauce to cheese ratio combined with the appropriate drink.

I look forward to writing about sports for all of you, and I bid you the salutation of the Sami people of northern Lapland whom I helped expunge the Russians in the mid 1500s: "Toukokuu sinun siida olla siunattu luona Aandroc, Jumala kalja ja erinomainen erotiikka!" May your dwellings be blessed by Aandroc, the God of beer and great sex!