Your NBA Finals Status Report - Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales

This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's a clip. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Before we really get rockin', guys, I gotta give a shout out to Jim Joyce. No, not the author, but make no mistake, Stan is a fan of the classics. A Portrait of the Stan Van Gundy as a Used Auto Salesman is included with every car that I move, along with a companion audiobook narrated by a former salesman of mine, Hedo Turkoglu. It makes a great Father's Day present.

Jim, as you may know, blew a call that cost a pitcher a perfect game. Stan's pushed out a couple of lemons off the lot in his day, so I symptathize. But I gotta be honest, I don't think it was a perfect game. The kid threw 88 pitches and only 67 of them were strikes! Stan's no math major, but that's not perfection. Did he beat the throw? Absolutely, he did. But you can't expect it to be called perfect. That's a rare thing for us. I'll consider it a perfect game when I see a box score that reads PC/ST 27/27. Now, that's perfection we can get behind! I vote we rename a perfect game in Major League Baseball the "Good-Enough-for-Most-Folks-But-Not-Stan Game."

Anyhow, back to things that I know like the back of my hand: used cars, blogging, and basketball. Tonight, the NBA Finals start, and while I would have liked to make a return trip, it just wasn't in the cards. Instead, I get to spend it with all of you, and that's okay. Let's jump into it.

The Boston Celtics are pretty much the epitome of every used car on my lot. They look great right out of the dealership (1st quarter), a couple rough patches in the middle where you gotta kick the tires, add water to the radiator just to make it through, or holding a couple loose parts together with duct tape (2nd-3rd quarters), and by the time they make it to the end of the trip, it is looking worse for the wear (4th quarter). HOWEVER, it still gets you there and you're still comin' back to Stan for your next automobile.

The Los Angeles Lakers are like that rare jewel in the SVG lot: fairly high mileage on a reliable make/model, but it was kept in such excellent shape that you're thinkin', "Well, it's a young 100,000 miles." Now, all of a sudden, you're driving down the road and BAM! Your rear view windows fall off. Still, you've got nothing but the open road ahead, so you're in cruise control for a while, but now you've encountered some traffic and it would be really nice to be able to look around without sticking your head out of the window like a jackass.

Make no mistake, folks, this Finals is not easy to predict. You've got mismatches everywhere. Rajon Rondo is a lightning quick PG, something the Lakers usually struggle to defend. Ron Artest is a much better defender than Trevor Ariza and he can be counted on to give someone (likely Pierce) a hard time. KG should be able to crush the soft-as-my-2004-camry-with-the-leatherette-seats Gasol, but could have a harder time against super-sub Lamar "Lots and Lots for Just 5 Bucks" Odom. And you probably thought Stan was going to comment on whichever Kardashian it is. Stan lives by a couple rules in life:

1. Always pay for your books in cash.
2. Leave the wives and children out of it.
3. Pound your conch as often as possible.

Also, I think I just made it pretty clear I don't know which one he married, so I'd rather avoid the egg on my face. It's hard to trim it out of the trademark 'stache.

Couple of key differences between 2008 and 2010:

1. The Auto Lot has gone national! People are comin' from all around to see the deals on the Tercels, Pintos, Camrys, and Geo Prisms from near and from far!

2. Ray Allen is playin' better than he did in 2008.

3. Andrew Bynum is doing more standing than he did in 2008. If you can't remember, he was unavailable because of knee problems. I think having him be able to play is huge.

4. Rajon Rondo is a legitimate scoring threat (but still has a tendency to wither away in the 4th).

5. Kobe is playing better now than he did same time two years again.

6. Everyone's two years older.

7. The Celtics' bench with respect to the guard position is much worse. This one, says Stan, is the biggest key to the series. No more James Posey to bug Kobe! Man, did he ever bother him. They was like exhaust problems and a Pontiac - inseparable! You think Tony Allen and his bum ankle can keep up with Kobe? Like the chances of the United States taking Hummer back from China: not a snowball's in hell!

Having just gotten out of a series with the Celtics, Stan's normally inclined to respect them a little more and generally is thinking of taking them in the series. Their old bones need a lot of rest and the spacious accommodations of the Finals (TUE/THUR/SUN) will play to their advantage.

But I just can't do it.

That's right, Stan is taking Los Angeles. La-La Land. Stan's packin' a grip and splittin' for the Coast! I sense there's a better aura around LA this time around. Kobe's playing at a higher level and he seems confident in his teammates. The Celtics' bench isn't as good as it was in 2008. And, more importantly, I think both teams know what to expect. In 2008, the Lake Show was taken aback by the defensive intensity of the Celts. You can bet your fancy cars that it ain't happening this time! No, seriously, bet your cars. COME ON! Stan needs to have some good cars to put roadside! The wacky, waving, inflatable arm flailing tube men aren't getting in done and neither is Vince Carter!

This seems to be (on paper) the most unpredictable Finals since the 2005 Snoozefest of Detroit/San Antonio. Be sure to tune in, and if you see that handsome devil Jeff Van Gundy, tell him he owes his brother $500 for that Chrysler Town and Country!

Remember, we here at Stan Van Gundy Used Auto Sales are here for you. Come on in, where we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. Right now, you can get a preowned 1996 Subaru Legacy for only $400! Steering wheel extra. If you didn't buy from Stan Van Gundy, you paid too much, WAY TOO MUCH. I wanna make you a deal on an auto-mo-BILE!

Your NBA Status Report for the Trade Deadline, Part II - Everything Else. Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales

This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's a clip. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Alright, friends, part II. Here's where Stan takes a look at everything else that happened at the trade deadline and offers my not-so-humble opinion. Lots to do, so let's jump right into it.

The Big Deal - Cavs/Wizards/Clippers Trade

Do you know what I like more when making trades? Moxie. Testicular Fortitude. Gumption. This trade is absolutely LOADED with it. First, Cleveland acquires the one piece they needed to become a complete matchup nightmare---a guy who can slot into the 4/PF spot and stretch the floor, not unlike my man Rashard Lewis. If Ilgauskas comes back to them, like most expect, then Cleveland will probably have too many bodies not to be the odds-on favorite. Though, I would love to meet up with them again in the playoffs. I'll put Marcin on Z and we can have the Eastern European White Guy Ballet when it comes to gettin' rebounds. Stan's about winning, sure, but Stan is also an entertainer!

Speaking of moxie, the LAC put it all on the table. They're got cap room in the biggest FA class ever. They are making a run at LeBron, no doubt. This has to be one of the great dream scenarios for the NBA. A cross town rivalry with Kobe. Bright lights of LA. A megasuperstar drawing in tickets for one of the most laughed at franchises in all of sports. Hell, this could entice even Donald Sterling to spend money! The Clips would no doubt give LeBron carte blanche to pick his coach and his teammates. Talk about laying it on the line! The summer shopping season just got more interesting.

As for Washington, they did what the Clippers did, only less so, and have slightly less space to use and a much less attractive roster. Overwhelming "ehh" for them.


Chicago trades John Salmons to MIL for Hakim Warrick and Joe Alexander AND
Chicago trades Tyrus Thomas to CHA for Flip Murray, Acie Law IV, and a draft pick of unknown date and time

I lumped these two together to make one point about Chicago: they want to bring Dwyane Wade home. The net effect of these two trades is that Chi-Town can now pursue its most favored son since MJ. Would Dwyane want to come back home? Certainly never hurt anyone. Will he? Stan's going to go on the record and state that Dwyane Wade WILL sign with the Bulls in the summer. When you're a big kid and you can fulfill your dreams that you had in your youth with your future all but set, it sometimes proves too tempting to overcome.

Interestingly enough, Chicago seemingly is going to let both Milwaukee and Charlotte (CHARLOTTE!) pass them for playoff berths. They'll all be competing for perhaps the same 6-8 slots with Toronto, but do not be shocked if Chicago misses the playoffs directly because of the players they traded to these other franchises. Like the LAC, Chicago's making a big gamble on Wade over summer, something that is SVG approved, much like our 5 yr, 60,000 mile powertrain warranty on any of our fine selection of used cars. I'm so confident you'll want one of our cars that I'm gonna throw on a brand-new warranty on a used car. Talk about balls! Stan's got 'em and so do you, but you shouldn't need to use 'em when selecting one of my vehicles.

Finally, the draft pick in this deal is quite curious. John Hollinger notes that because of the rule that states a team can't dump its first rounders in consecutive years, Chicago may not realize the pick for quite some time. Paraphrasing, he notes that Charlotte owes a 2010 pick to MN. Because it's a lottery-protected pick, if Charlotte makes the lottery the next year, then that pick also goes to MN and Chicago is holding the bag until 2013. However, their 2011 pick is also conditionally owed to someone, so if that's realized, the Bulls are waiting until 2014, and so on and so forth. You'll never get this kind of confusion at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales.

The T-Mac Trade: New York, Houston, and Sac-Town

T-Mac goes to the Knicks to help clear cap room for NY's run at LeBron and Bosh/Wade (his mammoth contract expires at the end of the year). They also land Sergio Rodriguez, who is the kind of point guard needed for Mike D'Antoni's system (think a Steve Nash type, though not as good, obviously). I know I said earlier that I like gumption in deals, but this current bid by the Knicks kinda scares me. The supporting cast for the potentially two max free agents coming in is rather...bare bones. It's like buying a base level car; sure, it's a car but where the sizzle? If their gamble doesn't pay off, the Knicks will take a long time to recover. Longer than they were on pace before? Maybe.

Sacto sets themselves up with a great PF in Carl Landry. This ought to help overcome their frontcourt scoring woes. More importantly, this gives SAC some cap room for maybe a run at Joe Johnson, a taller PG with some awesome passing skills. You can then move Tyreke Evans to SG and hey, you've got yourself a little team going there.

Houston grabs Kevin Martin, an SVG favorite, and reinforces their depth at PF after trading Landry away by getting 1st rounder Jordan Hill to back up Luis Scola. They also grabbed two assumedly lottery picks from the NYK (unless the Knicks land the #1 pick this year...that's protected). They did all this while lowering payroll. Unbelievable. I thought Zeke Thomas wasn't GMing in NY anymore?

Winners of the Trade Deadline

Cleveland
Houston
Dallas
Seattle (yes, Seattle, not where they actually play)

Losers of the Trade Deadline

Phoenix
San Antonio
Phoenix again


Well, that concludes my analysis on the trade deadline. I'll try and make another appearance. I've always wanted to analyze the NCAA tournament so hopefully PLS lets Ol' Stanny try his luck there. Remember, here at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. If you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAAYYYY TOO MUCH. Stan Van Gundy Used Auto Sales: Doin' Whatever it Takes To Earn Yer Business! Have a good one!

Your NBA Status Report for the Trade Deadline, Part I - The Deals as of Noon on 2-17. Presented by Stan Van Gundy Used Auto Sales

This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's a clip. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Here we are, folks. We've got the last two days before you've gotta sack up with what ya got and march on down towards the playoffs. "Stan," you may ask yourself, "don't you need to get on the phone lookin' to make deals on more than just automobiles?" First of all, glad ya worked in one of my pitch phrases. Second, that's Otis' job. Third, well, doesn't seem like we're particularly inclined to deal, despite sitting on a huge $7M trade exception. Ya know, from when we dealt away the Turkish Light in the summer.


[Analysis from Iroquois: Stan's right. There's really very little Orlando would be able to do without completely reshaping the team. What can Orlando use? Maybe a better post defender than Brandon Bass. Perhaps could use a steadier backup SG than Redick? Orlando doesn't need much in theory, but certainly acquiring a superstar rental wouldn't be easy in theory. I've yet to find a plausible deal that works out. The closest I actually came:

Orlando sends C Marcin Gortat, PF Brandon Bass, SF Mickael Pietrus and $750k to TOR
Toronto sends PF Chris Bosh to ORL

Seems a bit of a waste to sit on that exception, but Orlando only has albatross contracts and not many pretty assets.]

Anyhow, where was I? Oh yeah. Today, I'll be takin' a look at some trade-ins that already went down and tellin' you about 'em. Tomorrow, if I can, I'll look at trade deadline winners/losers. Just wanna let you folks know, though, everyone's a winner at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, so come on down if you're thinkin' of upgrading from the harsh winter that might have torn your engine block in two. Maybe you forgot your winter tires this year. Happened to me once, and boy, was Jeff mad that his Caddy didn't return in two pieces! That's right; I know what I said.

The Seven Player Swap (J. Howard, D. Gooden, Q. Ross, & J. Singleton to WAS and C. Butler, B. Haywood, and D. Stevenson to DAL)

Lemme be honest here. As a salesman, I know when some price is jacked up. The price on this deal...ENORMOUS. Josh Howard and Caron Butler...like buying a top-end Honda and a mid-tier Acura. Virtually the same thing on the inside and outside. Only difference is that Howard can defend better than a turnstile. Hell, I think turnstiles and curtains offer more resistance than Caron Butler! Butler leaves a club with only 1.5 defenders (Haywood and sometimes Jamison) and goes to a club that doesn't emphasize defense as much. Basically, part of this deal is completely even. You swap one SF who can play SG but not so well for another.

You got your useless add-ons--Ross, Singleton, and Stevenson--who are the equivalent of a tachometer in a Lincoln Town Car. What's the point?! They were thrown in to balance salary. Another wash out.

So, we arrive at the heart of the deal. Haywood for Gooden. I'm not seeing a lot of difference here, either. Haywood plays much better defense, but Dallas doesn't focus enough on the defense to make it worth it. Maybe this'll change come playoff time, when Haywood's shot blocking prowess and post D will be needed to take care of Boozer and Millsap (or maybe even Marcus Camby...more in a second). Nonetheless, Haywood's a true C that can team up with Erick Dampier to give Dallas 12 solid fouls, above average defense, and enough prowess to allow the other to get significant rest.

For Washington, it was a chance to get cash for a clunking squad and position themselves to buy a fancy shiny max FA over the summer. For Dallas, it was for...change? I don't actually know. Just doesn't seem like the structure of the team is right to challenge for the title.



Marcus Camby to POR for Travis Outlaw and Steve Blake

Now here's something to get excited about if you're Portland. You're getting Marcus Camby, a guy who steps right in where Greg Oden left off (talk about a guy thinkin' with his dipstick!) [Ed. Note: it's a link to a Castrol Synthetic Oil Youtube video, not...that picture.--IP] Camby's like a 1998 Mercedes E-Class. He's got a lot of mileage and he's over 10 years pro, so he's not gonna be in tip-top condition anymore. And yeah, the routine maintenance will burn ya on it because they both need a lot. But, both give you extremely good value for the cost and they don't look too bad in-house either. Plus, Camby's deal expires at the end of the year, so Oden and Joel Pryzbilla don't get offended. Everybody rides!

They did give up a bit to get Camby, though. Outlaw oughta jump in right away and replace the less efficient models of Rasaul Butler and Al Thornton when they get back. Outlaw's currently on a factory recall, but he'll be back soon enough. This deal also saves money (a Sterling favorite) and gives Blake Griffin an unimpeded chance to be a focal point next year. It's not like Camby or Kaman or even Craig Smith is gonna hold him back, but there's really nobody there anymore.

As for Steve Blake, well, he'll keep the bench nice and warm for when Baron Davis' beard decides to take five. An all-around good deal for the Clips.


That's it for now, folks. Be sure to tune in the next couple of days to get my take on the NBA equivalent of a Chrysler Christmas, Toyotathon, or the Manly Hyundai Used Car Sale. That sounds awesome. I gotta get me a catchy slogan like that.

Remember, here at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. If you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAAYYYY TOO MUCH. Come on in and drive out today, because Stan Van Gundy's deal-making skills are speedy, not greedy!

Your NBA (Halftime!) Status Report Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales

This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's Dwight Howard doing an impersonation of him. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Well folks, it's been quite a whirlwind for your pal Stan. I've got an All-Star game to coach, a team that's been struggling to integrate its new oft-injured star, and a whole lotta cars to move. But, I'm a man of the people and I'm here today to chat with you about the NBA. We've hit the halfway point of the season and there's lots to talk about. Instead of focusing on one car in particular today, I'm just gonna throw some stuff at you today and see how it works. Let's face it, we've all got different tastes in cars and Stan Van Gundy will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to earn yer business.

Stan's Prospective MVP and Corresponding Car - LeBron James and The Batmobile. 50% FG shooting. 30 PPG. 7.5 RPG and 7.5 APG. Disgusting numbers, folks, especially in his prospective walk year. Plus, he's one of the coolest customers around. Now, you might be askin' yourself, "How on God's green Earth does Stan have the freakin' Batmobile for sale?!" Don't ask questions, friend. Suffice it to say, Stan's got a used car for everyone out there, even the fly-by-night superhero whose car I might have accidentally taken from a valet when he returned the wrong car. Rest assured, I tipped him well for that gem!

Stan's Prospective Coach of the Year and Corresponding Car - Lionel Hollins and a 2005 Honda Civic. Neither of these guys are flashy. They've been cast off a couple of times (Memphis even had him north of the border, back when Toronto wasn't the only one in Canada). But deep down, you know that both of these guys were super reliable and there was something endearing about 'em. So, 10 years later--you're in a rut. You go back to what you know. Hollins has the Grizzlies over .500. Think about it, folks. Damn fine work!

Stan's Prospective Most Improved Player and Corresponding Car - Aaron Brooks and a 2005 Mini Cooper S. Ol' Stanny's got a surplus of 2005 automobiles, apparently. Both of these lightning bugs are tiny, but don't let that fool ya! They've got surprising power for their sizes and both are significant upgrades over past models. Brooks has improved both his scoring, dimes, and FG% while dropping his TOs! The Mini came back from the dead in the 60s under intense scrutiny of being too small and unsafe (yet oddly more popular...we've got some risk-takers!) and reimagined by BMW into the niche car it is today. I tell ya, both Brooks and MINI have been takin' off like rockets! Anyone? ANYONE? Tough crowd.

Stan's Prospective Rookie of the Year and Corresponding Car - Brandon Jennings and the taxi cab from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Celebrity cars are hip with the kids nowadays, (especially 2005 ones!) so I gotta make sure to have a sweet supply on hand. Anyhow, I spoke about Mr. Jennings earlier, and that is precious space I could be using to pitch my cars! I might have been tempted to go with Tyreke Evans of the Kings instead of Jennings, but he had to go and buy from Dan Marino instead. Unforgiveable, with the way I got screwed over in Miami. YOU'RE ON NOTICE, TYREKE.

Stan's Prospective #1 Pick in the NBA Draft and Corresponding Car - John Wall (PG, Kentucky) and the Tesla Electric Car. This kid, much like the Tesla coil, is lightning in a bottle. Wow, what a player! He's still pretty raw, much like these cars are in production ($100k+ for an electric car? YIKES), but you can feel the drive comin' from both of these jokers. John Wall's a combo of Derrick Rose athleticism, Rajon Rondo flashiness, and early Jason Kidd jumpshot (note: last one's not a good thing!). Nikola Tesla (the namesake of the car) was a master electrical engineer, inventor of the radio among other things, and sometimes worshipped in his time for being descended from Heaven. Looks like history is no stranger to exaggeration!

Stan's First Half Disappointment and Corresponding Car - Detroit Pistons and a 2001 Pontiac Aztek. Both of these things are pretty bad. Detroit wasn't supposed to be the this bad. Sure, they were going to take their lumps, but maybe contend for a playoff spot. The Pontiac Aztek was a somewhat popular idea on paper going into the 2000s. But, much like the Pistons, the result that was produced was disappointing. The reviews for both teams weren't bad; they just look really ugly from the outside. Mercifully, the Aztek was blown up. Will Mr. Dumars have the same courage and conviction to do the same?

That's about all I can give you for today, fellas. The All-Star game is a busy time for me. I make a lotta sales and tempt a lot of free agents with my offering of a free car. Who wouldn't want to take me up on a free Cadillac Deville with alligator skinned seats? This year, I've made it my goal to sell a car to every member of the class of 2010 free agency, so I definitely have my hands full. Remember, if you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAY TOO MUCH. I'll give you some great deals on some great wheels! Good night and enjoy the second half of the season!

Relaying a Message to the Reader from a Website Favorite

From all of us here at Potluck Sports, we want to wish you the happiest of holidays to you and yours. Remember, if you decide that "some assembly required" means "forget it, time to watch basketball", tune in at 2 PM ET and watch me, Stan Van Gundy of Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, take on the Boston Celtics. You know, Doc Rivers is a nice guy. I once sold him one of my finer used cars, back when I was coachin/dealin' in Miami. Of course, I had a lot nicer cars to work with down there. Were they swank? You bet. Were they legally acquired? That's not for Stan to decide; used is used! Just take the dings and worn down rims from the cars and push 'em back out there. Bullet holes? Throw a fresh coat of paint on it, cut $4000 off the tag, and SALE! Ol' Stan knows how to work the marks out there.

In this world, it's seen and be seen, and trust me folks, if you're seen in a Stan Van Gundy certified used car, you will be seen. Seen as a visionary. A true giant amongst men. They also make great Christmas gifts. That's right, even though I've got a game today and it's Christmas, I'm workin' on a holiday OVERTIME just to get you a deal! Today only--you buy from me, you can get your car driven home by an actual Magic player! Probably Redick; he doesn't really play as much as he probably should. I keep him around because he could be a fantastic salesman. He's just gotta get rid of that smug sense of self-satisfaction.

In summation...

HOLIDAYS! USED CARS! BASKETBALL! ME, STAN VAN GUNDY! Everything you've ever wanted (and more, I suspect) is at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales!

Your NBA Status Report Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales for 12-11-09

This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's a clip. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Hello again, folks. It's your old pal, Stan, back with a wildly popular offer to make you a deal on an auto-mo-bile, along with a brief comment about the NBA. It's been a little while since I have been able to talk shop (both auto and basketball) with you, and so I'm making today extra special with a deal you won't be able to refuse. What's that, you say? You already have a fine auto? Well, let me assure you that you'll have another fine auto in a matter of minutes!

Here it is: I'll sell you a 1971 (vintage!) Ford Pinto for a mere $500. Wow, what a deal! This might raise some suspicions for you older folks, so I'm not talkin' to you. But, KIDS! A car for $500! You can use it to cruise, to go buy booze, and take a snooze (just don't drink and drive because when you do we all LOSE!). Why today's discussion of the Pinto? Well, one of the Pinto's "unique features" is the gas-tank placement, which is just a flaw that might surface after a simple rear-ending turned explosion. No big deal. So, today's article features a couple of teams who have engines that are decent enough (the players), but have the gas tanks (coaches) in bad spots.

Portland Trail Blazers - This team is returning a ton of talent, and there's really nothing wrong with Coach McMillan, per se. I think the guy's team is just snake-bitten. Greg Oden goes down again! Maybe he should have stuck to dentistry. It's too early to give up on 'em, though. Losing Oden ought to allow Portland to gun a little more and they've got a fine PG in Andre Miller who isn't afraid to dish and Brandon Roy, a guy ready to take over games. They aren't "Found On Road Dead" yet!

Denver Nuggets - "STAN! YOU JACKASS! Are you paying attention to what you're saying? You just picked the top two teams from the same division!" I know, I know, but listen, folks. The Nuggets are too talented to drop the games they have. George is a good coach; he gets a lot of mileage with his tough discipline standards. He's also got one of the best engines (Melo), an efficient fuel-distribution system (Billups), tough steel exterior (Nene), and a bit of turbocharge (J.R. Smith). In other words, everything you've come to expect from Ford that is present in the Pinto! See what I'm sayin?

Unfortunately, Karl and I operate the same way; we tell it like it is. Your pal Stan wouldn't sell ya a bum car, right? Well, George may be simply adding premium fuel when it isn't needed. Teams usually chafe under Karl's administrations because it's all-go, all the time, just like you when you turn on the Pinto and hit the open road. Showmanship, baby. Flash. PIZAZZ. It looks like a cramped Plymouth Duster and is a hell of a lot more affordable. So, if it looks like one, it's gotta act like one, right? This is my way of sayin' to George: ease up a bit. Don't grind that clutch all the way up just yet, my man.

Chicago Bulls - Chicago's got a lot going for it: easy division outside of the big dog, huge talent on paper, and a Luke Wilson like coach. But, man, does this tank explode when a little bit of pressure is applied. Mr. Of The Black, when questioned about his coaching decisions from the flies in the media, responded like a teenaged girl. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME! NOBODY 'GETS' ME." and all that hoo-ha. Vinny, baby! Gotta keep it composed! Do you think Ford execs shriveled up when they decided that it was cheaper to settle with decedents instead of fixing the Pintos? No way. They showed a lot of moxie. You got a lot of goodwill last year for having one of the most memorable first round playoff series ever, if not the most memorable. Don't cash in your union-concession and Model T era past goodwill just yet! This team responds to you--withstand a few bumps and persevere, not explode.

Los Angeles Clippers - These jokers are the reason for the column. Sure, Blake Griffin's knee got hurt--very unfortunate. Every car's got its problems, though. But, boy, if there isn't another team in the land whose tanks consistently run on E because of boneheaded coaching decisions this side of Zeke Thomas. They've got some talent, believe it or else. Camby's a warrior who shows up to play, when he doesn't have a terminal hangnail. Eric Gordon might have the sweetest stroke since a young Ray Allen.

It seems like the sheen of that magical 2005 playoff run for the Clip Joint is completely gone. It's not easy to shake a reputation. Once the Pinto got tabbed as "potentially explosive", an ambiguous term AT BEST, it just wasn't the same and Ford had to pull it. Listen, boys, you're driving a stallion at speeds in excess of 60 mph. You're already takin' some risk. It just makes every day a little more enjoyable when you make it through!

That's all for today, folks. Here at SVGs, it's a Chrysler Christmas, where we're slashing prices on all our inventory but ESPEICALLY Chryslers! None of the proceeds from sales will go to any sort of charitable organization but there will be some on hand if you want to pass our savings onto them! Remember, at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. If you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAYYY too much.

Your NBA Status Report Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales

This is the first in an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Greetings, folks. I'm pleased to be able to bring you my unique perspective on the NBA via my friends at PLS. I know what you're thinking. What in the world, you may ask, does an active coach benefit by sharing his perspective with the general public, especially when I've got a job to do that requires me keeping my opinions to myself? Well, I'm not exactly known for being Johnny Tightlips when it comes to my opinions on current affairs. That being said, let's jump into the meat of the article.

I have a special deal for you today! I've got a legendary roadster that don't take no guff from nobody. I'm pushing the Wagon Queen Family Truckster for a lowly $2000. That's it, folks. What's that? You don't like the Wagon Queen now? Well, wait 'till you drive her! Why bring up the Wagon Queen? We'll be looking at some names with some debilitating flaws, mostly injury related.

Chris Paul, PG, NOR - I cannot emphasize how much CP3 reminds me of the ol' Queen. He runs like a thoroughbred when he's in the open court and is one of the top 5 players in today's game, easily, just like the Queen on the open road. Those ankles are pretty bothersome, though. You take just the slightest bump on the Queen and the engine will rattle. Same thing with CP3. Those ankles have been a problem for the last couple of seasons. It's such a shame; I really like watchin' this kid work.

Josh Howard, SF, DAL - He's got the same deal as ol' CP3, except his is worse. Two surgeries on the same ankle within 6 months. Rough deal, man. Say, did I ever mention how safe the Wagon Queen will make ya feel? It has gen-u-ine airbags, made of the highest quality Hefty bags.

Kevin Martin, SG, SAC - Ouch, baby! Bad wrists are no laughing matter, even for driving! A real dynamic scorer, this one. He's a rising star in the league, a guy who does a little bit of everything and a LOT of scoring. Double-doubles from the SG position are nothing to be scoffed at, just like the Queen when she's roaring down your Main Street. A vehicle that demands respect from even the lowliest of families (or in Sacto's case, teams).

Yao Ming, C, HOU - Of course, we already knew about this one. Sometimes, your Wagon Queen Family Truckster just comes with a bad axle or chassis. Being 7'7", sometimes your chassis just can't handle the strain you put on it. At least it isn't as career threatening as we once thought, just like that class action suit for design defects didn't kill off the Wagon Queen line. This baby's gonna be my best seller for YEARS to come! YEARS!

That's it, folks, for this time. Thanks to PLS for allowing me the opportunity to talk about roundball AND to promote my side business. Remember, at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. If you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAYYY too much. I want to make you a DEAL on an au-to-mo-BILE.