This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's Dwight Howard doing an impersonation of him. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.
Well folks, it's been quite a whirlwind for your pal Stan. I've got an All-Star game to coach, a team that's been struggling to integrate its new oft-injured star, and a whole lotta cars to move. But, I'm a man of the people and I'm here today to chat with you about the NBA. We've hit the halfway point of the season and there's lots to talk about. Instead of focusing on one car in particular today, I'm just gonna throw some stuff at you today and see how it works. Let's face it, we've all got different tastes in cars and Stan Van Gundy will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to earn yer business.
Stan's Prospective MVP and Corresponding Car - LeBron James and The Batmobile. 50% FG shooting. 30 PPG. 7.5 RPG and 7.5 APG. Disgusting numbers, folks, especially in his prospective walk year. Plus, he's one of the coolest customers around. Now, you might be askin' yourself, "How on God's green Earth does Stan have the freakin' Batmobile for sale?!" Don't ask questions, friend. Suffice it to say, Stan's got a used car for everyone out there, even the fly-by-night superhero whose car I might have accidentally taken from a valet when he returned the wrong car. Rest assured, I tipped him well for that gem!
Stan's Prospective Coach of the Year and Corresponding Car - Lionel Hollins and a 2005 Honda Civic. Neither of these guys are flashy. They've been cast off a couple of times (Memphis even had him north of the border, back when Toronto wasn't the only one in Canada). But deep down, you know that both of these guys were super reliable and there was something endearing about 'em. So, 10 years later--you're in a rut. You go back to what you know. Hollins has the Grizzlies over .500. Think about it, folks. Damn fine work!
Stan's Prospective Most Improved Player and Corresponding Car - Aaron Brooks and a 2005 Mini Cooper S. Ol' Stanny's got a surplus of 2005 automobiles, apparently. Both of these lightning bugs are tiny, but don't let that fool ya! They've got surprising power for their sizes and both are significant upgrades over past models. Brooks has improved both his scoring, dimes, and FG% while dropping his TOs! The Mini came back from the dead in the 60s under intense scrutiny of being too small and unsafe (yet oddly more popular...we've got some risk-takers!) and reimagined by BMW into the niche car it is today. I tell ya, both Brooks and MINI have been takin' off like rockets! Anyone? ANYONE? Tough crowd.
Stan's Prospective Rookie of the Year and Corresponding Car - Brandon Jennings and the taxi cab from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Celebrity cars are hip with the kids nowadays, (especially 2005 ones!) so I gotta make sure to have a sweet supply on hand. Anyhow, I spoke about Mr. Jennings earlier, and that is precious space I could be using to pitch my cars! I might have been tempted to go with Tyreke Evans of the Kings instead of Jennings, but he had to go and buy from Dan Marino instead. Unforgiveable, with the way I got screwed over in Miami. YOU'RE ON NOTICE, TYREKE.
Stan's Prospective #1 Pick in the NBA Draft and Corresponding Car - John Wall (PG, Kentucky) and the Tesla Electric Car. This kid, much like the Tesla coil, is lightning in a bottle. Wow, what a player! He's still pretty raw, much like these cars are in production ($100k+ for an electric car? YIKES), but you can feel the drive comin' from both of these jokers. John Wall's a combo of Derrick Rose athleticism, Rajon Rondo flashiness, and early Jason Kidd jumpshot (note: last one's not a good thing!). Nikola Tesla (the namesake of the car) was a master electrical engineer, inventor of the radio among other things, and sometimes worshipped in his time for being descended from Heaven. Looks like history is no stranger to exaggeration!
Stan's First Half Disappointment and Corresponding Car - Detroit Pistons and a 2001 Pontiac Aztek. Both of these things are pretty bad. Detroit wasn't supposed to be the this bad. Sure, they were going to take their lumps, but maybe contend for a playoff spot. The Pontiac Aztek was a somewhat popular idea on paper going into the 2000s. But, much like the Pistons, the result that was produced was disappointing. The reviews for both teams weren't bad; they just look really ugly from the outside. Mercifully, the Aztek was blown up. Will Mr. Dumars have the same courage and conviction to do the same?
That's about all I can give you for today, fellas. The All-Star game is a busy time for me. I make a lotta sales and tempt a lot of free agents with my offering of a free car. Who wouldn't want to take me up on a free Cadillac Deville with alligator skinned seats? This year, I've made it my goal to sell a car to every member of the class of 2010 free agency, so I definitely have my hands full. Remember, if you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAY TOO MUCH. I'll give you some great deals on some great wheels! Good night and enjoy the second half of the season!
Excellent. Just excellent. We need more SVG. It's about all of the NBA coverage I care to read about.
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