Offseason Chatter: NFL Free Agency Starts Today

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

No doubt adding to Slate's documented ire of overanalyzing the NFL during the offseason, here I am with some more tinder for the fire. I would posit, though, that talking about free agency on the day it opens up isn't really just ESPN filling up airspace. This is a potentially historic offseason for the NFL. It is the first year in quite some time that there is no salary cap. Naturally, this leads to people freaking out. A sample conversation with that dimwit that everyone knows who is prone to overreaction:

You: Hey friend, did you see free agency opened up today? It's an uncapped year.

Your Stupid and Smelly Friend: OH MY GOD UNCAPPED YEAR FOOTBALL WILL BE RUINED THAT SAME WAY BASEBALL IS RUINED TOO MANY SUPERPOWERHOUSE TEAMS LIKE TEH YANKEES AND THE RED SOCKS AND THE YANKESE WILL MAKE THE NFL BORING.

You: Mmm hmm. Well, that's...very good...for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

First things first, your friend talks loudly and in run-on sentences. Second, he's prone to repeating things. Third, baseball is not ruined for having an uncapped salary system (although there are deficiencies in the system; I'd start with not being allowed to pocket shared revenue).

But you, the suave and debonair reader of PLS, know that there are other factors in play here. First (and this can and will be overstated by ESPN) is obviously the economy. If this morning's trends are any indication of what to come, you'll have the same mix of things that happens in baseball: a few teams, once constrained by terrible franchise crippling decisions or inability or willingness to spend top dollar, will go for the gusto. A few will look to shed dead weight. Others still will sit on the sidelines (like my team). Nothing to see here.

Second, nothing really stands to change in terms of actual players being signed, in terms of salaries. I may be alone in this belief, but I believe the salary cap causes teams to act in irrational ways. To analogize, think of it as driving your car on a highway with a hard speed limit, viz. any attempt to exceed the limit is impossible. You're stuck in traffic behind some cars that are going about 8-10 MPH under the limit, but you, the normally smarter and more composed driver, know that you could be doing things better. It inevitably become frustrating following these drivers because you know there is room to work but there's just no opportunity to break free. Finally, you have room to your left to pass and, lo and behold, the hard speed limit disappears. What's your first reaction? I would guess that you're going to floor it to pass these slow assholes that have been holding up your inevitable Manifest Destiny to wherever it is you're going.

To borrow a non-NFL example, we can look to the NBA (which lacks a hard cap, but the idea's the same). After years of being crippled (no pun intended) by the Grant Hill contract and burdened by other various failures (Steve Francis), at the end of the 2006-07 season, the Magic finally shed constraints that didn't allow them to spend any money on improving the team except for essentially lateral moves. What was the first thing Orlando did? Ridiculously overpaid Rashard Lewis in a sign-and-trade. Seriously, they paid a max contract (6 yr/$120M) to a non max player, bidding against no one but themselves.

Tying it all back together, just because all of a sudden the NFL teams have a ton of freedom and can ostensibly spend as much as they want may result in a temporary increase in irrational spending, but it likely won't produce any more than your standard stupid contracts. Just for funsies, here's some ridiculously good links to some ridiculously bad contracts, first for baseball and second for basketball @ http://www.scoresreport.com/2009/03/05/the-nbas-68-worst-contracts/ (For some reason, I can't hotlink it from this page). As those links should demonstrate, stupidity in player valuation runs rampant in both capped and uncapped leagues. As noted before, the economy should keep most of the really bad decisions in check.

A couple miscellany heading into your weekend:

- Team Jolly Drank is now 2-0 with a 21-4 demolishing of the previous squad. One guy was so hammered he could barely stand up and was definitely an all-star. In the last inning, when it was apparent the other side was going to lose, Drunky McSwingerson hits a frozen rope to center, which was bobbled. D McS jogs to second and his buddy is pissed and starts yelling. D McS calmly replies, "Bro, we're down 21-4. What I do isn't going to make a difference." I love freshmen.

- I see that Slate introduced the fantasy baseball league. I am offended he calls it an "annoying habit of winning" though. It's not annoying at all (for me, anyway). I can see where it would piss people off that I called my shot by naming my team "3 Year Winner" and won both regular season and playoff crown, even in spite of the legendary A-Rod for Bill Hall/Ryan Zimmerman trade (you can assume that neither Slate nor I were in that deal), which is Slate's favorite argument in favor of democratic vetoes of trades, which might make an interesting point/counterpoint later on.

- In the future, also look for a primer on our baseball terminology as we have quite a few nicknames that will casually tossed around. We'll start with Doug Davis, for example. Doug Davis' name is Doug the Dino.

- Finally, just in case there was ever any doubt in your mind about whether or not what you see is a movie, this car (courtesy of my neighbor) removes any and all doubt.





Enjoy your weekend, everyone.

The PLS "Exemplary Circus" Conference Call (Via Text Message) and Commercial Analysis

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

There was some big game last night. I believe the winning team wishes to know, "Who amongst thee dares to declare that they are better than my team of origin?" Well, the correct answer (at least this year), is, "Nobody." Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints, 2009 Super Bowl winners. The phrase "New Orleans Saints, Super Bowl champions" now rates right up there with "Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Super Bowl champions" and "Boy, Al Davis was right" with Least Likely Phrases You Thought to Hear in Your Lifetime.

Because the writers for PLS are flung far and wide (mostly far, not so much wide), around the second quarter, I started trying to get a sense of where the other writers were during this fairly dull game. I don't think I'm alone (or if I am, I'm the only right person in the world) in saying that 5/6th of this game was pretty boring. Neither team was really excited to try deep passes or anything crowd pleasing; 13 yard runs were pretty much the peak of excitement for a long time. I will go so far as to say that it is not the job of Sean Payton or Jim Caldwell to please the fans with respect to their tactics, but in terms of results. I don't begrudge them for planning their game the way that they did, but I can say that this was one of the least exciting Super Bowls in recent memory and sort of backhandedly compliment the teams.

During the slower parts, I started the most efficient way of conversing among multiple parties: mass text. There is no way for any of you to know this, but as worldly and generally awesome as Slate's biography makes him seem, it was only recently that he began to receive text messages. We are in the process of telling him that there is some really hotshot prep basketball player named LeBron James that will end up being the #1 pick and probably be an instant star in the league (we're also trying to convince him to save his money and pass on The Matrix Reloaded.)

What this post amounts to is a "running diary" of reactionary thoughts to what was going on in the Super Bowl. All texts are to be treated as [sic] and may contain vulgar language. A further special thanks will go out to two of my friends who do not read the blog (for shame!) and are now unwillingly participating in the conference call.

6:30 IP: Colts by 4
Friend #1 (hence Scott Norwood, or SN): I have the Colts covering the spread which I think is 5.

(long silence, while people were still under the impression a game was going on)

7:21 IP: I can't take Sanchez seriously with this woman's heart attack commercial after those rape allegations.
SN: Like he cares about women's heart attacks.
Friend #2 (hence Fred Taylor, or FT): Yeh seriously

7:41 FT: That was dumb ypu take the points
SN: Not even close to the over under
7:57 (right around halftime) IP: Well, I'm right so far.

8:25 (the onside kick) Red: Wow wow wow
SN: Onside kick ballsy.
IP: Payton shouldn't have been anywhere near that scrum.
SN: Eh cut him some slack
Red: Payton Manning sad face dye

(non-football related diatribe about Twilight Princess and a subsequent snow day on Capitol Hill)

8:45 Red: This game comes down to which QB makes a mistake. Mark it down. [Ed Note: Two thoughts. 1) How prophetic. 2) Why would we need to mark it down when there's complete evidence on both my phone bill and my phone?]

8:52 FT: Is it just me or is this game pretty boring and what is up with edwards i hope the billd go winless fucking thievimh bastards
FT: The draft is going to be more exciting than this game

9:16 IP (the heated 2PC review): Wow can't believe that.
SN: This is a tough call either way
IP: Not conclusive in my opinion.
IP: Has one call gone against NO? Even though they got that one right?
SN: Yeah i really don't know so i would have to go with the call on the field.
Red: Error free football, honestly I've not seen a whole lot to be called against them
IP: Yeah both of these teams have been going pretty clean. The "late hit" on Bush was the only awful call.

9:26 IP: Jabari Greer's return has really messed up the Colts.
Red: Green police, the most frightning commercial of the super bowl
IP: I would kick them in the balls if they did that to me.

9:30 (Peyton's TAINT) IP: Of all the people I expected to fuck up, it wasn't Peyton.
Red: First mistake by a QB. We should just post our texts for the blog
(lightbulb going off)
IP: Hahah that would be awesome.
Red: The Payton sad face, and he does make mistakes look where he went to college
FT: Colts havnt been the saem since the jets game the lost their edge
SN: Yeah wayne came out of the break a little slow and those routes are all about timing
IP: I did think it would be Reggie Wayne he has sucked since greer came back in

9:42 (the waning minutes) IP: Questionable clock mgmt there.
IP: Well, I was right. Wayne should have caught that.
FT: Jim caldwell looks in over his head you wonder how much of his success is due to just taking what dungy built
Red: Noted
IP: Manning is going to take so much shit for this. Even if only one play was bad. His receivers fucked him.
Red: Should have gone to Clark more in the second half
FT: Yeh dungy would not have been outcoached
Slate (chiming in for the first time): Just doesnt sounds right New orleans saints super bowl champs
IP: Almost as bad as Tampa Bay Bucs, Super Bowl Champs.
Slate: On a related note detroit lions sb champs 2014? Browns in 2018?
IP: Somewhere, Bill Simmons is masturbating to the Peyton Sad Face
Red: Well, now I know what Im going to have nightmares about tonight. Bill Simmons' O-face.


So, there you have it. Not particularly entertaining, but as the guy who writes the day after the Super Bowl, I wanted to break up from my usual verbose analysis to provide "real time" reactions to the things that were going on. Since I am by no means a professional writer, it's fine every once in a while to show you precisely why I'm not. Hope everyone enjoyed the game to the best of their ability.

As a postscript, here is a linky to all of the Super Bowl commercials. My three favorite?

1. Bud Light Auto-Tune. Something about T-Pain (an artist who nearly put me in his music video--long story for another time) wanting guacamole with the Auto Tune filter cracks me up.

1a. The Snickers commercial with Betty White and Abe Vigoda. Would have probably done okay even in a big year for commercials.

2. The Doritos Samurai. I thought this was the best of the Doritos commercials that aired

3. (tie) The Last Denny's Ad (with the screaming chicken and the birthday cake) and the CareerBuilder.com Casual Friday ad. The chicken scream ad was very [adultswim]-esque, which is fine by me. Career Builder's was funnier, I think, and it brought to mind one of my favorite Simpsons quotes.

The Tim Tebow FOTF ad? Much ado about nothing.

Last, but most especially not least, here's hoping the Masked Reader/Chef went 4/4 this Sunday.

The First Annual Potluck Sports Golf Gala Presented by Fishbowls

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

It's been...never...since we wrote about golf on here, despite what the sidebars say. So, we'll take this time to showcase the inaugural PLS Golf Gala. Slate was in town this weekend and, by virtue of the fact I have to mention that, should indicate that this does not happen very often. On Friday, we gathered our things and headed to the local course to get in a round of 18. As this site indicates, Slate was relieved to begin playing golf again, as it is quite unpleasant this time of the year. Sunny Florida again proves why living up North is overrated. But that is another column for another time (and maybe another site).

The round took place at the Hilaman Golf Course in "beautiful" Tallahassee, FL. Overall, it was a fairly challenging course. You could definitely tell that the course had been purchased from country club. Most municipal courses in Florida are by and large flat. Hilaman was actually quite striking in its elevation changes, some holes having a 20+ ft. elevation change from tee box to green. Some highlights from the event:

- It was evident that neither party had played for quite some time. If I owned a digital camera (or any camera, really), I would photograph the score card and upload it. Suffice it to say, we were going the opposite way of good scores.

- At one point, I got marked down for a lower score than what I actually had. I went back to change it and Slate busted out a quality Simpsons reference (paraphrased): "You know, Iroquois, the traditional way to cheat at golf is to lower your score." Well played, Octavio.

- I spent more time at the beach than David Hasselhoff. Chuckle, chuckle. But, seriously, I sucked out loud.

- Slate had his own problems. He was pretty much a walking threat to any house on the course. I think he might have hit 4 or 5 houses and might have put out a car window. They have no proof, though.

- Hole #4 on the course contains one of my greater enemies in golf: water in the front. For some reason, stuff chokes me up every time. We eventually had to skip Hole 4 because there was a massive bottlenecking effect going on.

- For all of the bad stuff, there was a fair amount of positive things to take away. Hole #13 is tailor made for guys like Slate, who have this really terrible flaw in their swing. For some reason--get this--he swings left handed. What a joke; he must fancy himself some sort of trick golfer. Anyhow, he's tuned his driver to give him a bit of a draw and roll on perfect contact and he blasted the shot around a dogleg left. It was quite beautiful.

- Something positive about my round...let's see. I had near perfect putting lines. That's really all I can claim I did well.

With this additional space, I'm going to take a stand on a soapbox. Golf is one of those games that really needs to be fun because it can be so inherently frustrating. If you slump in basketball, say, you can contribute in other ways to the game. Golf is pretty much self-contained. Therefore, there should be two sets of agreed upon rules. There are pro rules, like the ones in use on the PGA.

There should also be the layman rules. I don't know what these rules would be but they should exist. One thing I'd suggest is stopping at double par. You've already embarrassed yourself enough beforehand. We've probably all been stuck behind people who suck and show no courtesy to other parties by not letting them go through but don't want to be big enough jerks to go get a ranger. True experience: I was once stuck behind a group of players who were so unfamiliar with the game they were actually hitting the ball backwards at one point. Double par is a good compromise between stopping the bleeding and keeping pace of play. Everything in these casual rules should also be a playable hazard (use of the foot and hand wedge encouraged in moderate doses). Sometimes, trying to play impossible shots is fun!

Anyhow, the event was a rousing success. Afterwards, we attended a philanthropy dinner wherein money was raised to support the continued preservation and expansion of a reserve for the Jackalope. Interestingly enough, Ted Turner made an appearance. I think we all remember the incident from last cocktail party. Poor fellow didn't know he just bet CNN in a poker game. C'est la vie, Ted.

Sports Smörgåsbord for November 19th, 2009

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

MLB - It's the MLB awards season. So far, Chris Coghlan and Drew Bailey won the ROYs, Zack Greinke and Tim Lincecum won the Cy Youngs, and Jim Tracy and Mike Scioscia won the Managers of the Year. Hard to argue with most of these choices. Your humble writer has had the privilege of seeing Greinke pitch in his high school days (he was stellar then, too) and was pretty saddened when Greinke had to leave baseball for Social Anxiety Disorder (by the way, what kind of coincidence and irony is it that the disorder can be abbreved SAD?). Seems like he's done well for himself. The only other award I truly had a slight quibble with was Coghlan over Andrew McCutcheon for NL ROY, but maybe that's because I owned McCutcheon as a fantasy player and that he was also a former UF signee.

NBA - Good God, are the Atlanta Hawks for serial? When was the last time you uttered that, or even thought that? I know that I personally have not believed that since the Hawks employed Dominique Wilkins and they had the Pac-Man esque logo. Seriously, I look at that thing now, and it's still unclear how it's a bird. I stare at the outline for hours and I st....OHHH. There it is. Took me long enough.

NFL - Speaking of legit, look at the Bengals! Sweeping the AFC North like they're a good franchise. What is really interesting, though, is this year they might have 3 teams make the playoffs. This isn't anything novel; hell, we saw it last year in the NFC South around this time (Tampa, Carolina, Atlanta), but it is something to keep an eye on. The Ravens look like they have the worst chance, but you can't really discount Flacco and Ray Rice just yet. Speaking of Ray Rice, I am pleasantly surprised with how well he has done in the NFL. I thought Rutgers ran those tires bald. Good for him. Stacy will send him his congratulatory fruit basket posthaste!

The NHL gets trumped this week.

FIFA - Some here at PLS really like soccer. I probably follow the usual American trend of getting really into it at the time of the World Cup and resolving to follow the EPL until the next day when I simply don't. Anyhow, much ado is being made about Thierry Henry's handball that saved the French yesterday. I can understand the Irish manager's (is that the proper term of art here?) reaction, but what was Henry supposed to do? This isn't golf, where Will Smith plays a stereotypical Southern black individual and reminds us that, in golf, we call the penalties on ourselves. It's vaguely reminiscent of Diego Maradona's infamous "Hand of God" that didn't get called, but it's really not Henry's job to call the penalty on himself. I think these two quotes, most of all, sum up the ridiculousness of the situation.

"Our minister of sport will write to FIFA...and look for a re-match."

- Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen

"Neither the French government nor the Irish government should interfere in the functioning of the international federation."

- French PM Francois Fillon

I'm nearly positive the world has bigger issues to work out than the hand of one very clean shaven footballer.

Your NBA Status Report Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales

This is the first in an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Greetings, folks. I'm pleased to be able to bring you my unique perspective on the NBA via my friends at PLS. I know what you're thinking. What in the world, you may ask, does an active coach benefit by sharing his perspective with the general public, especially when I've got a job to do that requires me keeping my opinions to myself? Well, I'm not exactly known for being Johnny Tightlips when it comes to my opinions on current affairs. That being said, let's jump into the meat of the article.

I have a special deal for you today! I've got a legendary roadster that don't take no guff from nobody. I'm pushing the Wagon Queen Family Truckster for a lowly $2000. That's it, folks. What's that? You don't like the Wagon Queen now? Well, wait 'till you drive her! Why bring up the Wagon Queen? We'll be looking at some names with some debilitating flaws, mostly injury related.

Chris Paul, PG, NOR - I cannot emphasize how much CP3 reminds me of the ol' Queen. He runs like a thoroughbred when he's in the open court and is one of the top 5 players in today's game, easily, just like the Queen on the open road. Those ankles are pretty bothersome, though. You take just the slightest bump on the Queen and the engine will rattle. Same thing with CP3. Those ankles have been a problem for the last couple of seasons. It's such a shame; I really like watchin' this kid work.

Josh Howard, SF, DAL - He's got the same deal as ol' CP3, except his is worse. Two surgeries on the same ankle within 6 months. Rough deal, man. Say, did I ever mention how safe the Wagon Queen will make ya feel? It has gen-u-ine airbags, made of the highest quality Hefty bags.

Kevin Martin, SG, SAC - Ouch, baby! Bad wrists are no laughing matter, even for driving! A real dynamic scorer, this one. He's a rising star in the league, a guy who does a little bit of everything and a LOT of scoring. Double-doubles from the SG position are nothing to be scoffed at, just like the Queen when she's roaring down your Main Street. A vehicle that demands respect from even the lowliest of families (or in Sacto's case, teams).

Yao Ming, C, HOU - Of course, we already knew about this one. Sometimes, your Wagon Queen Family Truckster just comes with a bad axle or chassis. Being 7'7", sometimes your chassis just can't handle the strain you put on it. At least it isn't as career threatening as we once thought, just like that class action suit for design defects didn't kill off the Wagon Queen line. This baby's gonna be my best seller for YEARS to come! YEARS!

That's it, folks, for this time. Thanks to PLS for allowing me the opportunity to talk about roundball AND to promote my side business. Remember, at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. If you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAYYY too much. I want to make you a DEAL on an au-to-mo-BILE.

Important Announcement from Your New Insect Overlords

As we at PLS have tried to convey, we are people, too. People who do stuff, sometimes. We like sports. We like food. We don't like obligations. We also hate pants. However, our post-grad work has begun to pick up, and as such, we've altered things a bit to bring all y'all your content more effectively.

Starting today, Iroquois (that's me) will be posting on Monday and Thursday. Your fearless leader Slate will be posting on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Fridays will be our world-renowned college football picks. Saturday is a holy day and Sunday will be for CFB wrap-up. This schedule is not preclusionary; we'll post on an 'off-day' if there's something meritorious or we feel the need (for speed?). We feel that this will allow the writers to maximize their talents that best synchs with their schedules.

What of Red Herring, his one fan asks? He'll still be around, contributing as only he can. Red, however, does not have a set schedule and will post whenever the mood strikes.

Kent Brockman, over and out.

Sports Smörgåsbord for 10-26-09

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Apologies, friends, as life caught up last week. Enough with the small talk. Let's get right into the Sports Smörgåsbord (and seeings how I haven't eaten today, I'm rather hungry).

MLB - Of course, the dominant story right now is the World Series. You can find analysis of that anywhere. A more pressing story, I feel, is the rumored return of Mark McGwire to the public sphere. This is an odd move by the Big Mac camp. How does McGwire not expect this to turn into something of a sideshow while the Media (tm) has been chomping at the bit to find this guy and ask questions about his (alleged) steroid use? Part of me is skeptical whether or not this is simply part of an image rehabilitation campaign in order to sway the HOF voters. Of course, we all know that we can simply forgive McGwire if he goes to BP and socks a few dingers.

NBA - One of the saddest days in my admittedly brief writing career happened last week when the NBA referees agreed with the NBA to end their lockout. I was researching a story and tried to include lots of juicy and salient facts about why the lockout was good for all parties involved save the actual referees. Succinctly, it would be (generally) good for the viewing audience because they would expect so little from the replacement refs that it would be par for the course if they sucked and positively stunning if they were to be any good. This, of course, would validate the public's opinion that the NBA referees are more crooked than Charles Barkley's golf shot. In turn, what's good for the gander is good for the Jew Goose, because he gets a product that was infinitely better managed than those improvident lackwits that previously ran the show. Of course, I don't think I need to explain why it would be bad for the now-active referees (lost wages, chance to be shown up without any way to respond, etc.). It truly is a shame that we were not rid of Crawford and Salvatore indefinitely, but alas, such is the state of the modern collective bargaining agreement.

NHL - Apparently, there are teams with financial problems. This guy is on the case with more details. It might just be me, but the NHL should probably contract a great amount of their teams, namely most anyone in a warm weather market. Since interest in the NHL among nonfans is at probably one of its lowest points, why not just make hockey small and ultracompetitive with a few markets? Most people have heard of too big to fail; the NHL is simply too big and failing.

NFL - As a fan of a team with a terrible record, I think one of the more interesting subplots of the NFL season so far is not the teams that are 'good', but rather the teams that are 'not good' (bad, to you laypeople). Your good teams (Indy, NE, NO, Min) have huge PF-PA spreads, but there are an alarming number of teams with generally poor PF-PA spreads, generally poor being defined as less than 25 difference between PF and PA. I realize these statements jump to perhaps unreasonable conclusions, but I would rather see dominant teams in any given season. I look forward to the first uncapped NFL season (next year?) and watching the spending frenzy that comes with the revenues from the "world's most popular sport."

Random Salient Point - Is it possible that this year in college football, instead of the supremely dominant team that everyone was predicting in the offseason, that we will see many teams with varying degrees of legitimacy make claim to being the team that should go to the Mythical National Championship Game, regardless of what the numbers geeks say? It seems like this year, more than any other year, the presence of surviving undefeated teams coupled with one-loss teams that have galvanized and played exceedingly well should stand to depose the Robespierre that is the BCS.