Federer's last hurrah

Federer’s last hurrah?

As the clay court season wraps up next weekend with the beginning of the French Open and Rafael Nadal claming his sixth straight Italian Open over new found rival and current world no.1 Novak Djokovic, the thought of another epic clay court duel looms. The French Open perhaps presents a chance for Nadal to obtain some redemption after failing in all seven meeting with the Serb in 2011.

However, emerging from the woodwork, longtime nemesis and debatably  best of all time, Roger Federer, quietly salivates at the possibility of arguably his last stand  (30 years old now, nearly eligible for ATP social security) at taking down Nadal at the French for the first time. Many forget the incredible rivalry that started years ago between Nadal and Federer, only to be overshadowed by the recent new kid on the block in that of Novak Djokovic.

Despite winning the French for the first time three years ago, albeit at the hands of Robin Soderling,  Federer needs no reminder of his rival Nadal’s 4-0 record against the Swiss at Roland Garros. To make things even more interesting, after Federer’s win last week at Barcelona, he moved up to the no. 2 world ranking, pushing Nadal to his lowest ranking (no.3) since he won his first major in Paris in 2005 at the tender age of 19.

If Federer were to retire today, many would consider him the greatest of all time, but to finally beat Nadal and win under the lights at chatrier would certainly cement Fed’s legacy as the best of the best and remove that final tennis monkey off his back.

So as emerging rivals Nadal (no 2 seed) and Djokovic ( no 1 seed) appear to be on path for yet another finals collision course, don’t assume Federer will passively sit like his homeland did during WWII as a neutral pussy. Federer unimpressed by the young guns will stop at nothing for what could be his final shot at tennis destiny and the chance to be unequivocally the best of all time.

UEFA Euro Cup 2012 Predictions: Group A

Reliving the tradition of the old times we now turn to soccer.  What’s that?  Soccer is for pussies?  Tell that to back bone plate on my right heel that was separated from the ball of my foot when I was a wee lad (OK, 13).  The game is far more physical than anyone who has never played it at a level higher than “recreational coed city level where everyone gets trophy” thinks.  On the flip side, if you are correcting me by saying “it’s football (or futbol),” speak American: God’s language.

International soccer plays well in the US.  Go ahead and hate…  but even the Women’s World Cup did reasonably well in the ratings despite not playing at optimal sporting times.  It drew an 8.6 rating on ESPN (whatever that means) versus the following day’s British Open (a 2.6 rating).  Haters, keep hating (add deadspin Manchester derby reax link) and remember how twitter works:  if you have a word, even if you hate said word, in your tweet, you are going to help it trend upward.  ESPN is going to broadcast games, during the summer, during daytime television.  They’re going to do it on ESPN2, too…  MWAHAHA pitiful non-soccer loving sports fans…  HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE THE DAY WITHOUT 10 STRAIGHT HOURS OF SPORTSCENTER!?  HOW WILL YOU BE ABLE TO COPE WITHOUT HERM EDWARDS TALKING ABOUT WHY COACHING IS THE NFL IS HURRRR DURRRRR?  SE ARRODILLAN ANTE SUS GOBERNANTES DEPORTIVOS!

Group A:

Greece

Ranking:  14

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group F Winner

All things considered, Greece played very well in qualifying.  They only surrendered 5 goals in 10 qualifying games and didn’t lose once.  But just like most things in Greece (/geopolitics slam), they were basically handed everything.  Greece played, by far, the easiest qualifying group.  Other teams in Group F:  Latvia, Georgia and Malta.  Yes, the dot in the middle of the Mediterranean kind of near Italy is big enough to have a soccer field (Malta) and if you thought Georgia was our Georgia, you can show yourself the door (click the X in the top right of your browser).  Croatia and Israel also were in the group, but basically speaking, Greece’s job was to undergo cellular respiration and they’d win the group.  They did and here we are.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Chicago White Sox.  Embarrassingly bad for decades in a row, randomly won a championship very unexpectedly (EURO 2004) followed by mediocrity ever since.

How will they fare?

The Greeks looked good qualifying, but again, it was a bad group to judge their real worth.  Other than 2004, the sample size of Greece at the international level is small and terribly skewed towards a comedic lack of anything resembling success.  In 2004, they stunned everyone by winning the whole thing… especially by beating Portugal, the host nation, in the final.  This is unlikely to happen, but then again, look at the group.  Poland is a doormat and you never know which Russia and Czech Republic will show up.  Greece’s range of success ranges from winning the tournament to falling in to bottomless pit on a team building exercise.  Instead of more speculation, we'll just show this.  

Russia

Ranking:  11

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group B Winner

Russia is the most metal country ever.  You think your country is messed up, go look at Russia’s history.  Sure, the French Revolution changed continental European politics for centuries by tearing down their own society inverting the structure of power for the common man.  But, the October Revolution led to their country immediately pulling out of a massive war with a 1,500 mile front just so they go fight themselves in a breathless, and very uncivil, civil war where the average man had no idea who he was for/against and the winners only emerged because everyone who could fight was either dead or practically dead.  The celebration for winning?  20 years of war on its people followed by 5 years against Germany and a homestretch of 50 years against everyone else in the world.  Is Russia the most metal country of all time? Yes.  (Some countries remodel old industrial apartments with bulldozers, Russia uses unexplained gas explosions).  Anyway, Russia qualified by subduing Armenia, Slovakia and Macedonia… something they were accustomed to doing after 45 years of practice.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Cincinnati Reds.  Favorite color is red, scary powerful in the 70s, disappeared in the mid 90s but is slowly emerging as a power yet again.  Team owners used to have a lot in common:  corrupt, profane, drunk and completely terrifying to public  when  they realize that who is in charge.

How will they fare?

Like Greece, this could go either way.  We don’t know which Russia will show up.  Russia has a history of being reasonably good at soccer, but not explosively good.  They won the 1960 EURO Cup, but that and a ruble will buy you nothing.  Right now they have a strong defense (gave up 4 goals in qualifying) and some solid strikers who can score.  Roman Pavlyuchenko is approximately Considering Poland is almost a mortal lock not to do well, it’ll be a three way between the Russians, Greeks and Czechs.  If that’s the case, Russia just needs to not lose twice and they are probably clear to the next round.

Poland

Ranking (for April 2012):  65

How they qualified:  Host Country

Last time Europe came over to Poland’s for a party, it got a little crazy.  Germany came over before the party was supposed to start while double fisting handles of Jack, Russia stormed over when it saw that Germany was already there doing kegstands and whatnot but tripped over Finland for a while before it got there and England was like “Yo we’re trying sleep over here” so Germany was like “Nah, bro party is everywhere” and took the party to Holland and Belgium and France and then Italy was like “Party time!” except Italy was like the nerdy kid who absolutely didn’t know how to party.  Anyway the party didn’t end America Fuck Yeah’d itself to Africa first while partying the fuck out of Japan’s neighborhood and then we partied all the way through Italy, France and brought the party to Germany even though by that point Germany was passed out with their face in the toilet and Russia was partying in Germany’s backyard.  Like all great parties, millions were lost in the process.  So… party at Poland’s place?  Yup.  Poland qualified because it is one of the host countries (along with Ukraine).  If it didn’t get that courtesy, they would have been torched in the qualifying process.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Sacramento Kings.  Completely irrelevant for years, no hope making it to the playoffs.  Long tradition of superior state rivals dominating them since inception.

How will they fare?

Traditionally, Poland has been swallowed by the success of the Germans and Russia, making it very difficult to succeed in a brutal European climate.  Traditionally, Poland’s SOCCER TEAM has been swallowed by the success of the Germans and Russians, making it very impossible to succeed in a brutal European climate.  Consider this, Lucas Podolski is a Polish born player with German roots.  Rather than be a national hero, but lose all the time, Podolski plays for Germany… where they win at everything.  FIFA has no rule to stop this because all you need is to have some kind of roots in a country and then you can play there.  Now imagine Poland’s problem even more when you consider Poland’s history is one filled with it changing colors, locations and the always interesting parlor trick:  the disappearing act.  If you are a skilled soccer player in Poland, you probably are of mixed roots and thus can go follow your roots elsewhere.  With that in mind, Poland stands no chance of winning and barring a miracle of sorts, will be gone immediately.

               

Czech Republic

Ranking:  26

How they qualified:  Playoff Winner

If you don’t win your group in EURO Cup qualifying, you just have to finish in second in your group.  Seeing as how the Czechs were put in the same group as Spain, all they have to do was beat the other teams and they’d make it to the qualifying playoffs.  Considering all they had to do was beat Liechtenstein, Scotland and Lithuania, the Czechs cruised to the playoff round where they flattened Montenegro.  It's not entirely shocking that this happened because with a goalie like Petr Cech, you always stand a chance...  as long as he has the beach ball with him, of course.  BEACH BALL FOR ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER!

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  Occasional modest success in the 80s followed by a name change in the 90s which saw a slight rise in stature.  Known to collapse down the stretch when it matters (gave up a lead and an extra time golden goal to lose to Germany in the 1996 Euro Final).

How will they fare?

Truthfully, the Czech Republic is benefiting from being the easiest group.  Like Russia, we’re not 100% sure what’s going to happen with this team.  The Czechs are surprisingly competent at soccer and have some of the best young players in the world:  Vaclav Kadlec is the truth, yo!  Following patterns, every other EURO tournament brings success.  1996:  runner-up.  2000:  out first round.  2004:  semi-finals.  2008:  out first round.  Having a probably free victory against Poland will help, so it’ll depend on Greece and Russia’s fortunes and if you’re a Czech fan, you’ll be rooting for a scoring draw between them.

Predictions:

Greece                                  7 Points

Czech Republic                    6 points

Russia                                  4 points

Poland                                  0 Points

On the Hilarity of the Possibility of College Football's Playoff

by Slate Quicksilver

We've been gone for almost 2 years, but it's worth mentioning that the 2nd to last and 6th to last involved some form of conference realignment.  It's almost like a time capsule.  We were prepping for the World Cup...  Brazil did not play England in the finals.  Stan Van Gundy was selling cars and weighing in on what he correctly thought would be an unpredictable 2010 finals between the Lakers and Celtics.  And we we're part of the conference apocalypse in the college football landscape: Four 16 team mega conferences were on the horizon.

We certainly weren't correct.  We nailed Colorado moving to the Pac10, we got Mizzou moving but not to the SEC.  TAMU was nothing but a fringe theory to the SEC because we thought they were inseparable from Texas, who we correctly thought weren't going anywhere (and didn't buy the Independent "no-conference" theory, either).  Nebraska was already rumored to be locked in to the Big10, but we also thought Pitt was going there along with Notre Dame and maybe a few others.  We definitely didn't see Pitt jumping to the ACC with Syracuse... though it makes sense.  And finally even in the most absurd thoughts, we never thought the TCU, Boise State and (lol) San Diego State would join the Big East.

Make no mistake, the whole alignment thing transcends the old geographic boundaries.  College football is no longer a regional sport.  Yes, it's hilarious that Boise State would be in a conference called the "Big East" but it's more because of semantics than logistics.  Airplanes, cell phones and hordes of scouts/coaches/"consultants" make college football a national game in that they can recruit players from anywhere across the nation just as easily as it is to send their players across the nation to play their new conference rivals.

All this realignment talk, however, is being put down at the moment by something that would be alter college football's landscape far more than anything like West Virginia moving to the Big12 (though, that does matter and we'll get to that soon).  The fact that it sounds like the BCS is dead, or at least dead in its current carnation, and its replacement could be earth-shattering.  Everyone except the BCS conference commissioners and a few very powerful university presidents has wanted the BCS deader than dead since forever ago.  We've had boondoggles (Auburn, 2004), revolts (Michigan, 2006), multiple hoodwinks (Boise State, 20XX) and outright robberies (LSU-'Bama 2011 part 2)... and that's just the National Championship game.  Let's also share a laugh in the automatic slaughtered lamb the Big East's slot inhabits, despite the fact that the conference is likely a well organized living art comedy joke not unlike the movie Borat wherein the comedy is really the reactions of the audience.  The BCS has been busted, there's no doubt about that, but we lived with it like a nasty cavity because there was literally nothing that could be done about.  Well, we finally have dental insurance.  The first thing we do?  Root canal, bitches.

The SEC and Big12 look like they'll be going to the prom with each other for the next couple of years.  The winners of each conference will play each other probably in the JerryDome in Dallas each year.  This will almost certainly leave the Big10 and Pac12 destined to keep playing each other out in the Rose Bowl.  The Big10 and its infatuation with the Rose Bowl is borderline stalker-esque and honestly we don't know how they would react if they lost it but it would probably involve a mixtape being made at first followed by incremental increases in stalking to point of kidnapping and then, well, this.  Presumably, the winner play each other in a national championship (/gasps... a real one!) and there we go:  a 4 team playoff.  But boy does that set a few people off.

The ACC will be none too pleased with that decision, but what can they do?.

The Big East will OK no cares about the big east (<- lost capitalization right) lololol.

The Mountain West becomes a second tier league to the Big12.

C-USA and the MAC may as well become D-2 schools.  Wait, they are D-1... right?

The WAC?  It died a few weeks back, honey, but thanks for asking and send your condolences C/O Robb Akey, Idaho.

Miami and Florida State?  Laughably irrelevant.  Wait... is it 2008 again?

Virginia Tech?  There's always some blue collared work to be done in the Virginia mountain country.

Boise State?  That's what you get for tying your horse to the anchor of an China bound export freighter.  (The thought of teams like USF, UCF and Connecticut being sent on a freighter to China is, for some reason, really really funny).

But the real loser in all of this is:  Notre Dame.  All of that talk about being independent of conferences and how it helps you and gets better exposure and blablablah...  how's that looking right now?  You didn't want to join any conference, and now it looks like the only way you can be relevant is to be part of a conference.  How funny is that?  Notre Dame's chickens could come home to roost and it will make them spectacularly irrelevant and finally truly leave them surrounded by the echoes of the past that they so desperately hold on to.

So, the College Football Playoff could turn out to be the most epic trolling of all time sports.  The big 4 get together and breathtakingly screw over everyone else:  particularly Notre Dame.  I'm 150% for it.

Though, let's get the name changed of the game between the SEC and Big12 potential championship game:  the "Champions Bowl."  That screams of the work of a bad marketing firm stuck in the 1980s.

Potluck Sports: The Epic Return

by Slate Quicksilver

So...

What's everyone been up to lately?

Yeah... cool.

Slate got married.  Iroquois finished his school learnin'.  Annie [REDACTED] Libya after [REDACTED] in South Ossentia.

A lot of sports happened.  I think a recap is in order, but we'll get to that when we are officially back on Monday.

We also have 3 new authors:
E-Z is going to cover the NBA.  He hates everything (especially Dwyane Wade), except for mid 90s throwback basketball references.

Robotastronaut is going to write about soccer.  When his hair is super short, he looks like Arjen Robben (though he is better at taking penalty kicks...)

Chief Wandering Bear is going to be the baseball guy.  Since he's a fan of the sputtering Detroit Tigers, he'll have a lot to say.

Slate, Iroquois and Annie will still be here writing about just about everything.

Oh yeah, food.

There will be more food posts.

To show there are no hard feelings, enjoy this picture:

So we'll be back on Monday, 5/21.  Tell your friends, family and blood rivals.

Fun With Numbers

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

And they say we can't count in the South because our book learnins are a bit slow.

Reports on conference realignment are now surfacing which state that Texas would prefer to remain as a member of a ten-team Big XII. It is, like most things, a financial decision: Texas could form its own network and pull down a cool $20-$25 mil in revenue from the TV alone. Chip Brown of Orangebloods.com has been absolutely fantastic in covering realignment, so if you need to catch yourself up, I will defer to him.

First things first: the Big XII commish Dan Beebe looks like a goon. He looks like a pasty and less fat Jared Fogle. Speaking of whom, I have no idea if that story in the Jared hyperlink is true, but I wouldn't be surprised. Apparently, for those who don't want to click what is essentially a celebrity gossip webpage, Mr. Fogle ran a pretty successful porno rental service while at IU. Go Hoosiers.

Second, no doubt easily picked up by our quick, clever, and attractive readers, the Big XII would have ten members and the Big Ten would have twelve members. Dopes.

Now, let's look at some real, honest-to-goodness analysis. Why, pray tell, is Texas all of a sudden willing to hold the XII together? Is it really just about the TV revenue? It very well could be. Before the XII, there was the Big 8 and the Southwestern Conference. Arkansas decided to take the SEC's offer to join. Yes, at one point, Arkansas held a decent seat of power in the college football world. Once Arky left, Texas was able to shore up its share and add more of the revenues by helping to hold the SWC together. Later on (3 years or so), Texas left the SWC, orchestrated a merger with the Big 8 and created the Big XII. If you're following present expansion closely enough, substitute Nebraska for Arkansas (Colorado is really irrelevant in the landscape of things here, except they have enabled the Pac 10 to make a run at Utah for a championship game) replace "leaving the SWC" with "threatening to leave the Big XII" and you have history repeating itself, complete with the attempt to keep the league together. Neat, huh?

Here's another thought which is not mutually exclusive with other scenarios, so it can be in play even if something else is. If Texas's plan is to join the Pac-10 all along, then trying to "hold the XII together" makes sense if A&M is truly set on joining the SEC. That way, Texas won't be the bad guy, y'see. They won't be the ones who break up the XII.

Or, nothing can happen. Like it actually did. Thanks, Internet, for going out and making my column dated before it posts!

2010 World Cup Group H Breakdown and Final Thoughts

by Slate Quicksilver

Group H rounds out this year’s version of the World Cup and frankly, it’s a little “blah.” Juggernaut Spain is the team on the marquee while Chile is glad to be back. Switzerland is still angry about their 2006 campaign and Honduras is just as surprised as you are that they are here. Let’s knock out this last group.

Chile

Chile disappeared from the world scene after 1998 thanks to tough luck qualifying and a lack of talent. This time around, they sent a resounding message that they are back, racking up 33 points in qualifying, missing the top spot by one point. This is something to be alerted to, as this team was the youngest of all CONMEBOL teams and it stole 16 of their points on the road. Scoring is rarely a problem for La Roja, especially with striker Humberto Suazo up front, who tore up the net 10 times in qualifying. Attacking and attacking this order, that means that the defense gets stretched. Playing teams like Switzerland and Spain, who can afford to sit and wait (Switzerland would prefer to wait), this could be an issue. In the end, we could see Chile hold their own against the Swiss and play Honduras in a shootout. But Spain will give them fits.

Honduras

If not for the fact that the US bailed them out with a late equalizing goal against Costa Rica, Honduras would have had to go to the playoff and may not have qualified. But that did happen, so Honduras is here. Qualifying saw them beat Mexico handily at home, which was good, but it also showed bad: a 1-1 draw in Trinidad almost killed their chances. Honduras has a few bullets in the gun to help them in Carlos Pavon and Wilson Palacios, of Tottenham fame. This team loves to play quick and loves to attack constantly. Like Chile, this leads to problems at the back. Getting out the group will be tough, but not completely impossible… it all depends on the game against Chile, which should be pretty fun to watch.

Spain

There isn’t much to say about Spain that hasn’t been said. They are the #2 team in the world and has only lost once in the last couple of years (to the US, oddly). They play the beautiful game that Brazil wishes they could play, they have all of the talent Italy and England wishes would play in their country’s leagues and they have the swagger a team like Germany or Argentina dreams of having. Spain is a favorite in this tournament by many, this author included. Spain eviscerated their opponents in qualifying winning all 10 games and only conceding 5 goals along the way. Picking one star on this team to watch is essentially spinning a wheel and picking whoever it lands on, so we’ll avoid that as it basically is an all star team. Spain will probably crush Honduras, beat Chile and maybe have a touch of trouble with the defensive minded Swiss, but this team will have no trouble getting through to the knockout stages.

Switzerland

Soccer is a game, like other games, wherein if a team does not give up a goal during a game, they should never lose. That is only slightly true as the Swiss did not concede a goal during the 2006 World Cup, yet they were knocked out of the tournament in the Round of 16 by the Ukraine (They lost on penalties). Thus, the Swiss are in South Africa looking to improve despite playing by the rules of the game. Qualifying was a bit of a rollercoaster: they started with a draw in Israel and a home defeat to Luxembourg for some reason but they would go on to win 5 in a row and they would win their group with a 0-0 draw with Israel at home. The Swiss do have a few solid players in Tranquillo Barnetta and Alexander Frei and they could do some damage. But the Swiss play a very slow and compressed version of the game. While this will give Honduras and Chile trouble, Spain will likely tear it apart with their short passing game.

Predicted Tables:
Spain 3-0-0
Chile 1-1-1
Switzerland 1-1-1
Honduras 0-3-0

So, whose going to win the whole thing? Here’s the Knockout stages as I see them:
Round of 16
France (A1) vs Nigeria (B2)…………………..Nigeria
Argentina (B1) vs Uruguay (A2)……………Argentina
England (C1) vs Ghana (D2)………………….England
Germany (D1) vs USA (C2)……………………Germany
Netherlands (E1) vs Paraguay (F2)……….Netherlands
Italy (F1) vs Denmark (E2)…………………….Denmark
Brazil (G1) vs Chile (H2)………………………..Brazil
Spain (H1) vs Portugal (G2)…………………..Spain
Quarterfinals
Nigeria vs Argentina………………………………Argentina
England vs Germany………………………………England
Netherlands vs Denmark………………………..Netherlands
Brazil vs Spain…………………………………………..Brazil
Semifinals
Argentina vs England………………………………..England
Netherlands vs Brazil….……………………………Brazil
Finals
England vs Brazil……………………………………..Brazil

Brazil is going win the whole thing, folks. Yes, it’s a very vanilla pick. But now that they’ve ditched the beautiful game aspect of their game and are playing seriously, they are going to torch this competition. I’m sticking to my guns with my former predictions, but I would like to make a few last minute flipflops and assertions:

France probably won’t go 3-0-0 in their group… their coach is insane.

Speaking of insane coaches, although I have Argentina going to the quarterfinals, but they just as easily could go nowhere. Maradona is like a monkey at the wheel of a Ferrari.

Brazil’s triumph and Spain’s fall will show that the beautiful game is dead.

Africa’s next world cup will ban the vuvuzela.

Nigeria will be Africa’s great hope because Ivory Coast will be at 80% health, Ghana is at 75% health, Cameroon is in a tough group and South Africa doesn’t stand a chance. Oh, and Algeria? Ha!

The US likely will beat Slovenia in a close game and will probably have more trouble than they should against Algeria. But realistically England will torch the US’s soft defense. If they go to the Round of 16, Germany will torch them even more.

2010 World Cup Group G Breakdown

By Slate Quicksilver

Without much argument, Group G is the group of death in this installment of the World Cup. Superpowers Brazil and Portugal are on top of this group going in, while African power Ivory Coast would probably look to easily qualify in any other group. Then there is the unknown quantity of the “Democratic People’s Republic” of Korea, or as you know it, the “Bad Korea.” No team is guaranteed to get out alive.

Brazil

Much has been made of the 180 degree turn around that the Brazilians have experienced these past four years. Not in terms of results (they are still a top 3 team in the world), but in terms of play. The beautiful game appears to be dead in Brazil. New coach Dunga stresses the physical defense and a murderous counterattack that has turned a Samba beat to a military drum corps. Certain players, Ronaldihno and Robinho, for example, were left off in favor of players who play into Dunga’s mold. Those players are world class, but are known to be ball hogs and perform needless fancy moves… thus they are gone. The country is now torn: some yearn for the old beautiful days, others believe this is an even stronger team. How Brazil performs at the 2010 World Cup will plot the path for the next generation of Brazilian superstars. Three goalless performances in front of the home crowd during qualifying lead to vicious headlines in hometown newspapers. But really, that was only a blip on the radar as the Selecao easily won the CONMEBOL group. When mentioning names, Kaka (hehe), Gilberto Silva and Luis Fabiano are the big names, but the applause should be reserved for the backline with Juan and Maicon. Those two defenders can breakdown any attack thrown their way with little trouble. Brazil opens against North Korea and finishes with Portugal. They probably will have already qualified by the time they get to the third game and probably won’t care about the game against Portugal. 1982 Germany-Austria Non Aggression Pact of Gijon part 2, anyone?

Ivory Coast

It was heartbreaking to see Didier Drogba, Ivory Coast’s golden child, go down in the last qualifier against Japan with a broken arm. In 2006 Drogba was able to go in front of cameras and get his country, on the brink of civil war, to come to end of hostilities. He would later secure a qualifying game in the northern (and considerably more dangerous) part of the country on rebel territory just to show to his own country that they are unified. He looks to build hospitals in his country and truly has a passion for it. In addition to being a world class person, he is a world class player. That’s why his injury is so disheartening. He might play, but there is no guarantee. Yes, it’s true that arms are not 100% necessary for this sport, it’s not like he is playing a throwaway game in Zimbabwe (terrible joke). The good news is that his fellow teammates are very very good as well. Salomon Kalou is a dangerous striker while Yaya Toure and Didier Zokora make up a potent midfield. Their backline, all of them, plays in Europe somewhere. The Ivory Coast easily qualified to the World Cup, so success looked imminent until they got placed in the group of death. Without Drogba, unfortunately, getting out of the group stage looks very unlikely.

North Korea:

In today’s world of instant knowledge and information being sent around the globe in half a second with television cameras and phone cameras everywhere, it’s rather funny that most people know absolutely nothing about North Korea’s soccer team. Geopolitics aside (frankly we don’t know much about the country itself, either), North Korea’s soccer team has seen a sharp rise in their stock. North Korea started qualifying at the complete bottom of Asian qualifying, unlike Australia or Japan who got byes out of the first couple of rounds. North Korea crushed Mongolia in the first round, got a bye for second round, came in second behind South Korea in the third round, and in the final round came in second (again) behind South Korea (again). Considering North Korea was seeded behind Kuwait and Uzbekistan while being only slightly ahead of Hong Kong (yes they have a team apparently) and Tajikistan (yes it's a country), this is a commendable accomplishment. Now they are rewarded by getting to play in the group of death. Defense is the word of the day (everyday) with the Chollima, and all things considered, they do a pretty good job. They tied Greece 2-2, so that’s good. I guess. They also have the “Wayne Rooney of Asia”, Jong Tae-Se. That’s about it in terms of knowledge on this team. So, will the Dear Leader be celebrating their team getting out of the group of death? Absolutely not. They are going to get run over.

Portugal:

Portugal was very close to complete embarrassment during qualifying. Denmark ran away with the group while Hungary looked solid enough to steal the second group sending Sweden and Portugal into the wilderness. But then Portugal slowly turned it on and got into second place behind the Danes. Portugal drew Bosnia and Herzegovina in the UEFA playoff and won 1-0 both times. That highlights, perhaps, the issue with Portugal. They had an easy qualifying group, but looked disinterested at times. A 3-2 loss at home to Denmark wherein the Danes scored all three goals in the last 10 minutes illustrates that fact. They finally got it together, but it took longer than expected. Well now they are in the group of death and will fight for their lives from start to finish. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid player in the world, so expectations are high on him, but it is the backline where success is mandatory. The whole world knows that Portugal is a team that flops and acts as though they were shot in the knee with a shotgun any time they are challenged. Their midfielders fall down regularly against a stiff headwind hoping for to draw the yellow against the low pressure system in the region. They are, without a doubt, the slimiest players in this tournament… even more than the Italians… and we can only hope a meteor destroys their practice facility. (Ed note: Some of those last few sentences were unedited opinions made by Slate. He hates them with a passion. We’ll just go to the predicted tables.)

Predicted Tables:

Brazil 2-0-1

Portugal 1-1-1 (+2 GD)

Ivory Coast 1-1-1 (+1 GD)

North Korea 0-2-1