PLS EXCLUSIVE: DID LANE KIFFIN FEEL PREJUDICED IN KNOXVILLE?

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

I know you're probably tired of hearing about him by now, but intel coming straight out of Knoxville today suggests that Lane Kiffin may never have been entirely comfortable in Knoxville. Ever since word of his arrival came, native Tennessee folks just felt uncomfortable with the guy. Lane Kiffin uncharacteristically broke silence today to talk about when he realized he wasn't going to fit in at the University of Tennessee. Kiffin said that he just left his house to go to work one day and he saw a sign that suggested he move on from Knoxville. We at PLS have an exclusive photo of the sign that caused Lane to go west (young man):




Thanks, you've been a terrific audience. Try the veal; it's fantastic. Be sure to tip your hosts and hostesses on the way out. Thanks again, and enjoy Journey.

Perhaps the Best Idea EVAR

by Slate Quicksilver

Busy times here, but we must share what might be the best idea ever.

Lane Kiffin pissed everyone off in Knoxville, who are now pretending like they never even wanted him in the first. But this parting shot by the locality of Knoxville may be the best retribution punch since they named this canal after a state senator who fought against it happening for 30 years (/we swear it happened but can't remember the time, place or name and it was really funny if you think about it because its petty-ness at its most powerful level on a grand scale).

Sorry for the lack of content today, deadlines on other things arose. Tomorrow will be more fun.

In the meantime, here's a hot chick wearing unnecessarily complex and hot underwear:

More on the Lane Kiffin hire: why you want your rival to hire this man

By Red Herring

Let’s be honest for a second, USC didn’t want Lane Kiffin. Lane Kiffin was not plan A, or B, or who knows how many more letters. Lane Kiffin is not being hired because he is Lane Kiffin. Lane Kiffin is being hired because by hiring little Lane USC gets big Monte, and who also might be my favorite coaching persona in all of sports, Big Ed Orgeron. I could write for days and days about Orgeron. Quite simply, if you were to imagine a big, scary and possibly psychotic football coach the image that would pop into your mind would be Ed Orgeron. Don’t believe me? All you have to do is watch this video to know that everything that is man is Orgeron. That video was shot in one take, because Coach O doesn’t repeat himself. Little known fact: the hummer was not originally designed for the military; instead it was created for the singular purpose of transporting the demigod that is Ed Orgeron. ED ORGERON!!!!

But I digress, back to our story.

If the only thing USC was getting out of this deal was Lane Kiffin there is no way that they would have committed to him. That brings me to my main point. You want this man to be the head ball coach of your rival. Why? Because Lane Kiffin has no fucking idea what he is doing.

Lane Kiffin is completely unqualified to be the head coach at USC. Hell, he wasn’t qualified to be the head coach at Tennessee. The only thing Kiffin managed to do as the Vols head coach was to piss off almost every other coach in the SEC. Lane Kiffin is what we call an interview king, he sells himself well. He sells himself so well that he keeps convincing people to give him millions of dollars to do things that he has no idea how to do. This is a useful skill to have if you’re Lane Kiffin, but a terrible skill to have as a head coach (recruiting being the big exception to this rule). Let’s see what Lane Kiffin has delivered to his employers over the past few years. As Raiders head coach he went a stellar 5-15. Maybe we can rack that up to you know, it being the Raiders. But he managed to turn around Tennessee right? A 7-6 record and a trouncing by Virginia Tech in this bowl game would beg to differ. Is this the resume of a guy who you want as your head football coach? Hell no it isn’t, this is the resume of the guy you want to be coaching your most hated rival. This is the resume of the former football coach who now is the manager of the local IHOP. Yet somehow people keep giving Kiffin chances to stab them in the back. This hire make USC look like they were desperate to find anyone to coach their soon to be heavily sanctioned program. Here is the real question that we should be asking ourselves, if USC is the best job in the country, why the hell is Lane Kiffin the head coach there?

Still, you have to admire the ability of Lane to take one crazy decision by Al Davis and parlay it into two head coaching positions at premier college programs. It is not his fault that people cannot see though his bullshit and into his complete lack of accomplishment. One has to ask if Monte was actually in the room when Lane was born or conceived, because you can’t believe someone as great as Monte Kiffin could produce anything like Lane. Well, unless he was squatting on a toilet. But look on the bright side, more Ed Orgeron coverage!

Instant Reaction: Lane Kiffin to Southern Cal as HC (and Post Reaction Venom)

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Lane Kiffin is leaving a swath of destruction. Reports are surfacing that Kiffykins is taking the Southern California job.

First of all, Gary Uberstine, Kiffin's agent, really earns his money. How he managed to get Lane Kiffin a 3d tier coaching job with a losing record in the NFL isn't uncommon, but few have managed to snag jobs with only three wins. Next, he takes a Tennessee team that won a National Title in 1998 (the first BCS National Title) and, granted, followed a legend who insisted in his later years of running a tight ship and destroys that in mere fortnights. Next, he riles up Urban Meyer, Nick Saban, and Mike Slive and gets slapped with fines. After bragging about the cleanliness of his program, he ends up getting his school investigated. Finally, he finishes his season one game above .500.

And somehow this chump gets a job at a top tier football program? Even one that is likely walking into probation? If you think Florida and Urban Meyer are disliked in the SEC, he is the freakin' Prom Queen compared to Lane.

Second, this could not be more perfect for either USC or Kiffin. Lane Kiffin can spin anything into a positive. He coined the term "moral victory" after a loss! If USC is truly walking into this NCAA investigation, as it has become apparent in the last few weeks, Kiffin will probably say something like, "The entire college football realm is afraid of Southern California, so to level the playing field, I accept voluntary probation and I will personally chop off one limb from each starter." Of course, Mark May will still love them.

Third, this is better for Tennessee in the long run. I hate to say that because I despise their prison work release colors. Too bad that Tommy Tuberville was already hired; he would have been an absolute knockout hire for them. They can't go crawling back to Phil Fulmer. Johnny Majors isn't an option, so they're out of legends. Good news is they got their legend following out of the way. I can't think of anyone right now who they could pursue, as they probably don't even have their short list up yet.

In the short term for TN, however, this is an unmitigated disaster. All of their early entrants will ask for a release. Their recruiting class will get destroyed and it's unlikely they'll be able to salvage much of it, anyhow. Anyone worth keeping on that staff, except maybe Lance Thompson, is gone. Eddie Gran is at Florida State and turned down Tuberville at TTech. Kiffin is taking Monte, Orgeron, and maybe another to Southern Cal. There is that pending investigation. Any coach who could be convinced to come to the smoldering mess that is Knoxville (if there is a University of Tennessee after tonight) needs at least 5 years to recover. A rebuilding team doesn't need this kind of unrest.

Fourth, who would have ever thought Lane Kiffin would make Al Davis (old Al Davis) look like a sensible and prudent man?

Fifth, what of little Monte Knox Kiffin, who goes by Knox, according to Pops? I guess he'll be going by Monte and regularly sacked for lunch money and stuffed in lockers in middle school.

Finally, them Wikipedia fiends are faaaast. Immediately after the posting, it said "Lane Kiffin has taken the job as the Southern California Head Coach because he was afraid of Urban Meyer." Tee hee.


::Update (11:00 PM) - a good short list to start would be Randy Edsall, Kirby Smart, Will Muschamp, and maybe Troy Calhoun, who was 2nd place to Kiffin last time, apparently.::

::Update #2 (midnight) - This keeps getting better. Apparently, the TN fans were so pissed off at this transaction and occurrence that they stormed the football office and started a riot. At his impromptu press conference after informing the team, there were obscenities and stuff thrown. The Orlando Sentinel has a link to the riots. Supposedly, there's tear gas too. About the only way anyone will shed a tear for that (long string of expletives deleted).::

::Update #3 (12:15 AM) - Lane's goodbye press conference is the most chicken-$#!t thing I've ever seen. A reporter asks if he could take 3 questions out of respect for Tennessee, and he declines and walks silently out the door.

::Update #4 (10:15 AM) - And now the players speak. Former OL Josh McNeil had some harsh criticism of Lane.

"Coach Kiffin cared about Tennessee traditions less than the worst Vol hater in the state of Alabama..."

That's harsh. Considering Phil Fulmer once was Public Enemy #1 in the state for allegedly (and most likely) ratting out Alabama's cheatin' ways, that line is akin to taking your mother (who is a saint!) out for a nice seafood dinner and never calling her again. Seriously, though, that's just...cold.

McNeil had some nice things to say about Monte, though, which should shed some light for you non-Southerners on Lane the Main Brain.

"Monte was loved by everyone," says McNeil. "He was a great guy, a great football coach, but a better guy."

McNeil pauses for a moment, thinks.

"He and Lane had absolutely nothing in common."

Bottom line, this P.O.S. deserves anything that happens to him and I completely support the Volunteers in that endeavor. Better check your brake lines and tires before you leave town, Lane. I'd also probably never return to the state of Tennessee. They won't be as forgiving as Pahokee was. Ask Phil Fulmer about how exciting it was for him to travel into the state of Alabama every other year.

Note to SEC officials

By Red Herring

What do you do when you have a College Football head coach that is going around setting your referees on fire? If you picked fine Urban Meyer $30,000 for pointing out a blatant missed call then you might have what it takes to be the commissioner of the SEC. Lane Kiffin spent an entire airing of the Lane Kiffin football and donkey show blasting the refs for every missed call and every call that went against his team. Kiffin’s punishment? A stern reprimand which ranks somewhere around a 5 minute time-out and being flogged with a wet noodle. The SEC did the equivalent of punishing everyone else but the perpetrator as a way to send a message to the guy who actually committed the wrong. The fact that everyone knows this is ridiculous only underlines the epic fail associated with this move, way to go Mike Slive I’m sure you’ve taught all the coaches a lesson.

A special thank you to Lane Kiffin who must simply be rolling around on the ground in joy at the idea that because of his epic jackassory he managed to get Urban fined for a mild comment about a play no one can disagree with.