Attention

by Staff

Ladies and gentlemen, we have earth shattering news: As of tomorrow this fine site will be back up and firing on all cylinders (all one of them). Life has returned to normal for our writers. Iroquois has returned from his self imposed exile St. Helena's Island over the allocation of proper nouns in Scrabble. Slate completed his circumnavigation of the world on his boat equipped only with a chronometer, small emergency kit, light fishing pole and a drop dead gorgeous young woman of Brazilian/German descent. Annie is in an undisclosed location but has re-established contact with her superiors. And Red helped complete 15 or more foreclosures on struggling middle class families in south Florida and is ready to be a human being again. (Fun Fact: Only one of those is actually maybe true!)

We are going back to that time honored tradition of structure here:
Iroquois has the site in his capable hands on Mondays and Wednesdays.
Slate will drive the site on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Annie will show up whenever she pleases.
Red will write something that we will get it up after 3 days of editing.

So folks, tell all of your friends: "Potluck Sports is back!" And for your prize: An Early 90s megababe!

She knows we're back and is all dressed up for the occasion

Tomorrow, Slate's going to go nuts over how powerfully stupid the whole Ben Roethlisberger situation has become.

It's Only for Now

by Staff,

We here at PLS recently had a long late night fireside discussion involving cognac, cigars and smoking jackets. Among the many different topics touched on, the future was discussed the most. In doing so, we realized that our futures needed to be secured in a guaranteed way. Thus, with that vague statement, we're going to say that we're going on a hiatus for a few weeks.

The lack of posting perhaps made it evident that something was up. Life for Slate, Iroquois and Annie has become rather helter skelter lately. Unfortunately, it will only become more crazy in the coming weeks. There will be a point when things will be considerably less hectic and our posts can get back to a normal pace and level of excellence. We look forward to those days not only because we will be able to write regularly again, but because our stress levels will go back to average levels.

We have a regular group of readers, and we appreciate you coming here. We respect you more than just to spit out random crap and trying to get inconsistent bad posts up in the next few weeks would not reflect that. Without you guys (we know you are out there regardless of the lack of a commentariat), we would be realizing a fear we discussed when we open the site: that we'd be yelling into the dark void of nothingness that is "the internet."

This doesn't mean we are done forever. That is hardly the case. We want to keep this up as we enjoy writing it hopefully as much as you enjoy reading it. As mentioned before, we will be back in a few weeks. There may be a few posts here and there, but regular daily posting will not happen on a normal basis.

So thank you for reading this site and look for us down the road. When we come back, we will be stronger, more incisive and more laced with cursing than ever.

So long, for now, friends.

Our last words before we sign off for our hiatus: "To hell with Georgia, Vols suck Balls, Fuck the Noles, No Fat Chicks and DIS IS NOT A MOVIE!"

Your Weekly College Bowl Game Picks for the Week of 12-21-2009

Considering that not all of the bowls take place on a weekend, we have modified the traditional "Your Weekend CFB Picks for xx/yy/zzzz". Instead, we at PLS will post our wildly popular picks column every Monday. Because this is the start of the Bowl series, there are quite a few games this week. Mind your P's and Q's and dive on in, because this is gonna be a long one.

Tuesday:

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl - Oregon State v. BYU

Iroquois:
A surprisingly good bowl for Las Vegas. While BYU is here for the 4th year in a row, Oregon State might have to be a little disappointed with ending up here. I'm not really confident that BYU is going to be excited to be here; familiarity breeds contempt. Oregon State has a dynamic RB in Quizz Rogers. Seriously, do yourself a favor and watch him. If you're a big fan of little RBs (like I am), you'll be looking forward to watching him for the next two years.

By the way, how does MAACO get a bowl? They're like the Ol' Roy of auto repair. Budget-class. Chock full of complaints. Were I Las Vegas, I would not want to be associated with such a shoddy act. I guess when Comcast and FedEx are your clients, you can pay any unseasonable amount to get lucky with a good bowl game every now and again.

Oregon State over BYU.

Slate:
What's the difference between going to your first Rose Bowl in several decades and going to a pointless bowl against a team that is in a bowl in a city that juxtaposes with the school's austere religious philosophy for the 4th year in a row? 4 points. Oregon State wanted a Rose Bowl bid, but couldn't get it done. BYU wanted more as well. The Cougars opened the season slaying Oklahoma and ruining Sam Bradford's party run through to the championship run. But a few loses down the road ended that. The Beavers offense will do well against BYU's defense which was proven to be slightly "holey." ZING!

Iroquois asks why MAACO is sponsoring this bowl, yet I ask "why not." MAACO has everything Las Vegas is about. Covering up a busted and ugly underside that may not be entirely legal (at least in terms of street legal) is what MAACO does. And Las Vegas? All it happens to be is one paint job/neon light glitz job from being exactly what it is: America's red light district.

Beavers over Mormons

Wednesday

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl - Utah v. Cal

Iroquois:
My God. There really are no words for this sponsor. Scholars have long debated what the meaning of San Diego means, but it probably is German for "whale's vagina". If you don't know where that is from at this point, just stop reading and never come back. Speaking of people who haven't seen Anchorman, check out this Yahoo answers page. The Internet is great.

As for the actual game, it's probably too close to call. Cal's favored by 3,5 but really, the measureables of this game are just too close to call. There's 0.5 turnovers separating the two teams and no superstar that's going to sway the game, as if Jahvid Best were still there. The X-factor will probably be Shane Vereen, a fine RB in his own right.

Cal over Utah.

Slate:
Utah never gained much traction this year, and seeing as how Cal fizzled against the big fish in the Pac10 pond, neither did they. In fact for Cal it was a normal year. Lose to the big ones, lose to one smaller one and beat all of the little kids on the block. Losing hyperback Jahvid Best was tough, but the offense never had a passing game all year. Both are reasonable teams and it'll be close, but I find Utah walking away.

Sponsor-wise, this is an egregious foul on the bowl circuit. There is no national brand, just locality and it's a credit union. Not a bank. Not a firm or a group, but a credit union... the bank version of a collective farm in Soviet Russia. If you get a loan from there, everyone owns your car!

Utah over Cal

Thursday

Sheraton Hawai'i Bowl - Nevada v. SMU

Iroquois:
This will actually be a fun game, I think. You've got the offense with the most yards gained per possession (Nevada) plus the uniqueness of the pistol formation on one side. Opposite, you have about as spread-y an offense as you can get, one which simultaneously requires both running and shooting. It does have a history of giving QBs the opportunity to put up crazy numbers. I had always wondered what happened to that guy after college. Better than delivering pizzas, I guess, though probably less tasty in the long run. Also, it never really occurred to me to give JJ any sort of advantage because he was returning to Hawai'i until I was writing this blurb. Strange how things hit you that way.

A serious note for a moment: while many Gator fans might have beef with June because of his controversial comments on Tebow's system, there was a recent blog entry on the NYT's Quad Blog highlights one of those fascinating stories you might never know about unless someone does a little bit of legwork, wherein Jones fulfills a promise to one of his recently departed assistant coaches. I don't want to take the hits away from their article, so that's as far as I'll go, but it really is a touching, if brief, read. Here's the link to that article.

Nevada over SMU.

Slate:
Thursday's forecast in Honolulu, Hawai'i calls for a high of 80, low of 67 and a 100% chance of NUTTYNESS!!!! June Jones returns to the land of spam, Polynesians and a people that swear to God that Hawaii is so different from America that it should be its own country(!). Those are the same people who don't understand the crushing economic woes and diplomatic issues that would arise immediately. Idiots. Anyway, SMU's offense is batty and nutzo with all of its passing. This is juxtaposed with Nevada's run heavy pistol offense which batty and nutzo on its own. In the end, I think SMU comes out alive because Nevada's pass defense is pitiful.

By the way, Sheraton is not a bad sponsor. Nice hotels, nice locales, nice staff. All said, this bowl deserves a high five for location and sponsor. However, two reasonable climate teams are there. No, Reno is not the best weather destination in December, but I'm willing to bet that Idaho's fanbase in Moscow, Idaho would much rather be in Honolulu than Dallas-ites.

SMU over Nevada (caps for extra emphasis)

Saturday

Little Caesar's Bowl - Marshall v. Ohio

Iroquois:
I love how writing lends itself to segways sometimes. I go from talking about delivering pizzas to bowl games sponsored by pizza (and we're not done yet!) I really don't know anything about either of these teams, other than their location in the upper Rust Belt of the United States, and I'm not even sure that's right. Unlike Slate, I might be best described as 'geographically challenged'. I couldn't navigate my way out of a paper bag. I also do know that former UF DBs coach John Holliday was hired as Marshall's HC, causing a minor controversy because Holliday has deep roots to Marshall's rival West Virginia.

Having exhausted my actual knowledge of either of these teams, I now briefly turn to why Lil Caesar's pizza is better than Papa John's. Don't get me wrong, I think PJ's pizza is alright. There's something about the LC's pizza, though, that's endearing. Is it the crust? Is it the square shape? Is it the fact that it's like Hungry Howie's pizza done correctly? I don't know, but it's damn good.

I can't believe I'm onto a third paragraph, none of which have really anything to do with the game at hand, but you can definitely tell the Wikipedia article for Lil Caesar's was written by a Canadian or someone not American. I present Exhibit A (and really my only piece of evidence, other than LC being big in Canada):

A new location was also scheduled to open in the Pittsburgh suburb of Whitehall on 29 September 2009.

29 Sep 2009? Really?

Marshall over Ohio.

Slate:
Quick commentary on the plight of Detroit:
Unlike what you may think or have heard, no you will not a Kevlar vest if you are venturing to Adams St. and Montcalm in downtown Detroit. This is because crime in Detroit is no longer the issue. Why? This is because there is nobody in Detroit anymore! There is no one to rob you. There is no one to mug you. Detroit no longer has a supermarket in its boundaries. There is just no one there to create the crimes. And as such, there is no taxbase and thus no way out of this crushingly brutal depression.

That said, Marshall and Ohio will draw 11 people to the stadium. Ohio has an athletic QB and Marshall has 11 players on the field at all time during the game as per the rules of Football (I don't feel like researching this bowl one bit). In a coin flip, I go with Ohio.

As for Little Caesars being the sponsor, this is just embarrassing. Seriously. No more words are necessary.

Ohio over Marshall

Meineke Car Care Bowl - North Carolina v. Pittsburgh

Iroquois:
Now we turn to the silver medal of the car service companies bowl (long live the AutoZone Liberty Bowl!) I personally have never visited a Meineke, even though there are literally a dozen within a small radius from where I hail.

This game has to be considered a disappointment from both sides. UNC HC Butch Davis, who captained the 2001 Miami squad, has to be a decent coach still. He's been getting some talent into UNC (note the recent success of Hakeem Nicks) as well as Marvin Austin, who will be one of many DTs in this surprisingly deep class of DTs. We also have one of the all-name team guys in Quantavius Sturdivant. Your author learned of Mr. Sturdivant when he tried to commit to UF but Urban wasn't quite on board with it. Safe to say, I think Urban might take a do-over on that one given the chance.

Then we get to the Wannstache, who was previously on course for a BCS bowl (maybe) until they ran into the burning couch that is the West Virginia Mountaineers (again, more segwaying). I've extolled the virtues of the Wannstache's squad before on this site and I refuse to back down from them now. In fact, I appear to be fairly confident they will win, not that I've been really good at picking winners this year.

Wannstache over Quantavius.

Slate:
It was fun for the Wannstache for the time, but a missed extra point torpedoed that. I'm sure somehow there is a way to blame the Wannstache for that. Anyway, Iroquois was right in saying Pitt was an OK team this year. And they will roll in this game over a dull North Carolina team.

Meineke should be made fun of, but do you want George Foreman up your ass if you make fun of them? I sure as hell don't. He may be older than 60 but he could still ruin you day without much effort.

Pitt over UNC

Emerald (Nuts) Bowl - Southern California v. Boston College

Iroquois:
Not exactly what you had in mind to start the year, is it Pete? This is as big a shock to this observer as it is to you, I'm certain. Also, not to jump on a moral high horse, but is this really the best cover story that Mr. McKnight's benefactor can concoct? If it's true, then my apologies. Amazing coincidences have their way of sounding like total horsecrap.

USC over BC.

Slate:
Let's just pause for a few lines to soak in how much fun it is to see USC fall this far.






Thanks.

USC, if they show up, will destroy a dull and sleepy Boston College team handily. If they don't show up, they will destroy a dull and sleep Boston College team.

Emerald nuts is a good sponsor though. They have funny commercials and their product is not bad. Kudos to all involved.

USC over BC

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl - Kentucky v. Clemson

Iroquois:
There's really no reason Clemson shouldn't win this bowl. They have the superior offensive talent (CJ Spiller, Jacoby Ford) to outgun Kentucky. Trevard Lindley, an excellent CB, can only do so much to neutralize either guy (not sure why he'd be covering Spiller), but Ford is the kind of receiver that can give Lindley problems (super fast both coming off routes and in the open field). Combined with Kentucky's not-so-potent offense against Da'Quan Bowers and Ricky Sapp...just not looking like Kentucky's day.

I'm less convinced, however, that Clemson will want to show up. They should be in the Konica Minolta Gator Bowl, were it not for some shady dealing with the Seminoles and the fact that the Gator Bowl is dropping the ACC as a tie-in next year. I like Kentucky for an upset wherein a disinterested CJ Spiller does not show up for this game, which has to grind the Sons of Clem's gears.

Kentucky over Clemson.

Slate:
We finally reach the end of this weeks entry will a game of little importance or draw. Clemson has CJ Spiller, Kentucky has Trevard Lindley. No offense to Mr. Lindley, but I give the advantage to Spiller. It is true, however, that Clemson has little else outside of Spiller, so maybe an injury or a meteor hitting him could turn the tables for Kentucky, but that is probably a 20% chance even during a meteor storm.

Clemson over Kentucky

Your Weekend CFB Picks for 12/5

Championship Week is here. This means crushed dreams, merciless taunting and violent thoughts will carry the weekend. It's almost sad how the season is nearing its endgame, but remember that we have an entire offseason to misconstrue rumors and make fun of each other's programs for arrests.

#5 Cincinnati @ #14 Pitt (Big East de facto championship game)

Red:

No one cares about Big East football. The reason they don’t have a championship game? Because no one would show up to watch it. Simply put I don’t care and neither do you.

Prediction: Bearcats beat Panthers in battle of the Big Least.

Iroquois:
I've been one of the Wannstache's biggest supporters this year, but I am not going to deny Cincy. For that matter, why is it automatically assumed TCU will remain ahead of Cincy? They both have beaten an equal amount of ranked teams, with Cincy getting the last shot at beating another. Further, for as much fun as the national media makes of the Big East, they are still an automatic BCS bid conference. I find it hard to believe that the computers won't find a way to get the automatic conference in there over the MWC.

Additionally, I think Cincy has the more impressive overall resume, having lost a Heisman-caliber QB without missing a beat.

Cincy over Wannstache.

Slate:
Iroquois brings up a good point that Cincy didn't skip a beat after losing Tony Pike to whatever nasty injury he had. Cincinnati, in several other years, would certainly deserve a national championship berth but won't get one with this year's overcrowded bunch at the top.

The problem is that they are playing Pitt, meaning they have the Wannstache on tap. A few years ago the Wannstache clipped West Virginia which turned the BCS on its head, and who is to say it won't happen again? The Big East is almost back to prominence... who could screw it up? This guy. Like Golem jumping off the rock and into the lava just to carry his precious just one more time, Dave Wannstedt could steal this game and wreck Cincinnati's pristine season and ruin the Big East's claim to being a legit conference again. If anyone could do that... win a game that they should not for the better of their conference... it is this guy.

Wannstache over Cincy (/slowly rubs his eyes and takes in the gravity of what hge just said)

#12 Georgia Tech - #25 Clemson (ACC Championship)

Red:

ACC football, somewhat more respectable in a hey whatever happened to that conference sense. Considering both of these teams lost to mid level SEC teams last week how can we even call this a Championship? Maybe a losership?

Prediction: C.J. Spiller has ten thousand all purpose yards, Georgia Tech wins by 3.

Iroquois:
Whose superior running game is more superiorer? That will determine the runner up game from SEC-ACC rivalry weekend. I don't think the Sons of Clem have the consistent QB play to distinguish themselves over the Ramblin' Wreck.

GT over Climpson.

Slate:
Two things of note about GT's triple option: 1.) It destroys most teams... 2.) Teams that have stopped it were so hopped on rage and penned up anger that when they finally hit the field they would have fully kicked a kitten in the mouth if it were needed to stop that offense (Miami and Georgia got eviscerated by the Jackets last year and this year beat them).

Clemson has not had a full year to digest their blown win in Hotlanta, but you know they will be PISSED OFF, after Josh Nesbitt resurrected his team from the grave to steal a win from Dabo and the Tigers. Will they channel their inner beast mode and stop the Ramblin' Wreck? I say yes.

Clemson over GT

#3 Texas - #22 Nebraska (Big XII championship)

Red:
As much as I would enjoy a great game between two powerhouse teams there is one problem. Only one powerhouse team has decided to show up. Nebraska might be able to hang around for the first quarter or maybe first half but aside from Ndamuka-longa-ding-dong Suh they simply don’t have the players to make this an interesting game. Prediction: Texas is playing its walk-ons early in the fourth quarter. (do you even bring walk-ons to the championship game?)

Iroquois:
I don't really have a lot to say about the game, but I would like to point out that Mike Judge of King of the Hill fame (and one of my favorite TV shows) played Nostradamus and called this title matchup two years ago, down to the point of Texas going to the Rose Bowl if they win. Yes, I realize they aren't going to the Rose Bowl proper but they are going to the Rose Bowl the stadium. Incidentally, Nebraska wins that game on Texas's quick kick gaffe.

I wish I could agree with Mr. Judge (and I so desperately want to), but I don't think Texas will let that happen. Too much is at stake. I will say this, though. Expect Bo Pelini to give Texas all they want defensively. Nebraska has a shot at the game if they can spring a few turnovers.

Texas over Nebrasky? (Damn it, Dale. These tickets are fake!)

Slate:
The Black Shirts are back, or so that what we are told, and that means Nebraska's defense is back to its head chopping ways. Just in time, too, as the Longhorns' wheelin' and dealin' offense rolls into Jerry Jones' Stadium/World Wonder/Pleasure Dome/Billion Dollar locale which is not up to current football standards. Personally, I think Mack Brown will keep Texas and their team's eyes on the prize and although it won't be a blowout, they will win and go to the NC game in Pasadena where we will hear for the next month nothing but: "The last time Texas came here Vince Young..."

Texas over Nebraska

#1 Florida - #2 Alabama (SEC championship game)

Red:

Benjamin Franklin once said the beer is proof that god loves us. Well, this game is proof that the football gods love us. I simply don’t know what is going to happen in this game, but I do know that the team that wins the line will win this game. That is why the loss of Carlos Dunlap is so staggering for the Gators. While the Gators might have some depth at his position they simply do not have an athlete like Carlos sitting on the two deep to plug in. If the Gators can stop the run then they win this game, if they don’t then it might be embarrassing for the boys of ole Florida.

Prediction: Gators by 3. Mount Cody has a heart attack after the gators run sweep after sweep with their speedy backs.

Iroquois:

This game is being dissected to death in the media. This game does seem to be more monumental than last year, especially given Tebow's pending departure from the ranks of college football. I feel Florida's peaking at exactly the right time with a couple of tune up games (FI/SU) before the big game and it seems like the offense is finally peaking. Expect this to be an epic battle to the bitter end, much like last year.

P.S. Bama fans, we won last year without Percy Harvin. You can't say that Bama will win because UF doesn't have Harvin this year. That's silly.

Florida over Alabama.

Slate:
Business time, people. No time for jokes or any of that noise, we're all business here.

Mark Ingram has a hip pointer and that limits power back like himself in terms of the contact that they can deliver/take. Carlos Dunlap showed that no matter how much of a competitor you may be, you can still be a raving moron... so he will sit in time out during the game.

The game will come down to two elements: Tebow vs. the Alabama defense/Greg McElroy versus himself. Tebow will need to remember not to run on EVERY PLAY WHERE THE POCKET COLLAPSES and he will do fine. The Gator run game is faster than any Alabama has all year. McElroy, on the other hand, will be fighting a tough secondary, and angry LB corps and a defensive line that plugs in any number of depth to replace Dunlap. Epic game, hopefully my team comes out alive.

Florida over 'Bama

P.S. Ditto on what Iroquois said. Seriously... Harvin was not the panacea for last year's game.

Apologies

Sorry, friends. Traveling, final exams and a litany of other things have gotten in the way of this fine site. Luckily, nothing has really happened in the last few days. Ok, maybe some things have happened and our absence is regrettable.

We will pump out an entry or two later today. We'll have our world famous picks (we're huge in Azerbaijan) on Friday and we will return the Final Word section that so many people seem to tolerate. Next week, things will be back to normal.

Again, we had no idea how badly our schedules would get wrecked, and we are sorry for not posting anything since Monday.

Until later, WE LOVE YOU BAKU!

Regards,
PLS Staff

Your Weekend CFB Picks for 11-20-2009

Note: Nothing in this article represents a gambling endorsement or even generally good advice.

So, it seems like Slate got caught in the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. I'm sure he'll add his picks later. The crop of games, even for some rivalry weeks is generally poor, so here goes.

(10) LSU @ Ole Miss

Slate

As one can expect with Houston Nutt, this game is shaping up to be an upset special. However, like it was with Mr. Invisible from "Mystery Men" who can only be invisible when no one looks, Houston Nutt can only pull an upset off if he no one expects him to.

Bayou Bengals over the South (who shall rise again)

Iroquois

Last year, Ole Miss finally beat LSU after a long string of losses. I don't expect that to change this year, especially if the Ole Miss offense clicked like they did last week. I tell ya, that Dexter McCluster is just a Grand Wizard with the football in his hands. Ole Miss has a Klandestinely good defense, as well. Jerrell Powe is proving why he was worth the 3.5 year wait. As the talented Sir Elton John might have once said, Saturday afternoon will be All White for Ole Miss.

Johnny Rebs over Corndoggers. (There! Now it's been codified in the Wall Street Journal!)

Annie

Tiggers.

Red

Can the fighting Shepard Smiths beat the giant corn dogs? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy a good old hate filled beat down between two schools that just don’t like each other.

Prediction: LSU over Ole Miss after Ole Miss is forced to forfeit the game for singing the From Dixie With Love and adding their favorite verse. LSU still sucks, but not as much as Ole Miss.

(13) Penn State @ Michigan State

Iroquois

Penn State will not win this game. I know that they need a win to share the Big 10 title (potentially) and an at-large BCS bid, so they've got the requisite pressure on them to make sure they stay sharp. State College, PA has also been better on the road this year (their two losses came at home). But the Spartan's offense should be able to move the ball on the PSU defense and MSU has won 4 out of the last 6 home games in this rivalry. The spread in the game (PSU -3) also indicates the linesetters think something is amiss as well.

Sparty over Paterny.

Annie

Though I hail from MSU, the Spartys have their bowl game, so they won't pull this one out

Slate

Logic = thrown out the window on I-75 at 80 mph. We won't be able to find it in this pick. All suggestions point to a Sparty obliteration party, yet this team has been harder to peg than Sarah Palin's thought process. I would like to see a Spartan uprising, but instead I see a Nittany Lion victory.

PSU over MSU

Red

BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!! And delusional Michigan fan BRAINS!!! Penn State has been BRAINS this year and everyone knows it, their BRAINS of beating Sparty are still pretty good though. Just imagine how much BRAINS!!! are inside of old Sparty and you realize that this isn’t just a football game, this is a buffet for JoePa! I’m assuming that quantity beats out quality when a zombie selects their prey, otherwise look out for PSU to start scheduling Ivy league teams. The band is on the field!

Prediction: PSU over MSU and Bobby Bowden continues to hope that the secret government plan to exterminate JoePa before the infection spreads.

Cal @ (14) Stanford

Iroquois

This is a Big Game. I was on the Stanford bandwagon last week, and now seems like a poor time to get off of it. Flying high off of two straight Top 10 victories, facing a Cal team really lacking in identity since Jahvid Best took a lickin', and riding the dark horse candidacy of Toby Gerhart for the H---man trophy, the Cardinal will let their Mike Alstott clone and frosh super-prospect Andrew Luck carry this team as far as they'll go. Jim Harbaugh seems destined for big things as a coach.

Trees over Bears.

Annie

Stanford takes another team out

Slate

Stanford is rolling. They have embarrassed two top 10 teams in succession. It wouldn't surprise me if they took this week off with the assumption that Cal is dead in the water without Hyperback jahvid Best, who is recovering from "Sudden Death Syndrome." If so, knowing that Cal's defense is not to be trifled, Stanford had better not sleep through this one. We are finally giving praise, this is not the time to dilly-dally.

Trees over the Bears

Red

Don’t look now but Stanford has been playing some really good football as of late. HEY! I told you not to look. I could make a concussion joke, or a whinny hippy douche joke but instead I’ll simply point out that no matter what the outcome of this game the Stanford students are still the winners. In fact I hear that Penn State is doing everything they can to schedule as many games against Stanford as they can in the near future, something about BRAINS!!! And you simply cannot mention this game without linking this clip.

Prediction: Stanford over Cal, which a few years ago would have been a big enough joke to not require any commentary.

FIU @ (1) UF

Ed. Note: We realize this is a pretty obvious pick. So, instead, we are picking the game and saying what would happen if FIU won.

Iroquois

Seriously, if Florida lost this game, I might just jump in front of an Amtrak train. It would be less painful than having to deal with the ribbing that would come from every fanbase. In fact, I dare say that if Florida lost, Tim Tebow would immediately transform into the White Rider and ascend to Heaven, War and Famine would get Biblical on the world, and the Pale Rider would finally descend and just end humanity's miserable lot. Of course, this all depends on your interpretation of the White Rider and whether or not he's actually a representation of the Antichrist or Christ himself, but that's a discussion best left to our sister blog, EucharistSports.

UF over FIU.

Post-Picks Soapbox

I do not wish to find myself remiss in mentioning that Ohio State plays Michigan this weekend, and I think it will actually be a pretty entertaining game. The game is being played in the Big House and all signs point to OSU leaving with a victory. That being said, it is a big rivalry game and would definitely make the Michigan fan's awful year exponentially better if they were to deny their hated rivals the Big Ten title (...I think). Most experts have this game as an OSU win by a TD. I'll go the other way and pick Michigan by a marginal amount.

Michigan over OSU.

One last thing. I haven't shaved my facial hair in nearly 3 weeks as a part of my No Shave November program for studying. Number one, it already is patchy enough as it is, but man is this stuff irritating. To those who regularly maintain some form of beard, public service mustache, or any other intricate design, you have my respect.

Annie

If FIU wins, start shining the Super Bowl trophy for the Lions.

Slate

Brother Quicksilver went to FIU for a year. He left to go to a community college when he realized how poorly organized the school was. Even though that has nothing to do with anything, that being said, FIU's football team is terrible. They are better than they used to be, but that is akin to basketball analysts calling the Clippers better because they won 30 games instead of 20. FIU's angle, almost certainly, is to play the disrespect card. But to get play that card, you must first have a reason to have any respect at all and no, this does not count. If UF were to lose, I would be willing to give up meat for 1 year. Meat is 97% of my diet... losing it would be detrimental to my health and well-being... so I feel this would be fair. If FIU wins, I will become a vegetarian for 1 year and incur all liberal hippie douche penalty points that would be levied upon me.

UF over FIU... Tebow out in the 3rd quarter

Red

I’m going to have to go with the Gators for this one, by I don’t know, a brazillian. So the editorial staff (read: unimaginative assholes that run this blog) want me to tell you readers what I would do if the Gators lost this game. So I can say without hyperbole or exaggeration that if UF lost this game I would do the sickest, most depraved and disgusting thing I can think of (and that we can post on this website without putting up a warning no children under 18 sign). I would get a tattoo of the FIU panther on my forehead, making it look as if the Panther’s nads are in fact giving me a tea bag and then buy season tickets to FIU where I would chant “Balls out for FIU!” over and over and over. Luckily FIU has a better chance of finding a cure for AIDS on their bus ride up to Gainesville then beating UF in a football game so I won’t have to get a tattoo of the FIU panther on my head.

Prediction: UF over FIU and we don’t see Tebow in the fourth quarter.

Your Weekend Picks 11/13/2009

(Insert thing lame joke about it being Friday the 13th and how some teams may get killed off this weekend).

(15) Iowa @ (11) Ohio State
Iroquois:
With QB and lucky charm Ricky Stanzi out for the year, the clock has struck 1 AM on Iowa's dream season run. Were it not for us officious intermeddlers, it may have ended weeks ago. I might have had more faith if Iowa was at home, but alas, they are not. And that's all she wrote.

OSU over Corn.

Slate:
If this game were in Ohio State, I probably would have grown a pair and picked Iowa. The logic behind that is that it is Ohio State and their offense is as impotent as a Kazakhstani uranium miner and they usually lose an in-conference home game this time of year. Yet, a young inexperienced QB in the madhouse in Columbus could never win. Despite all of the obvious logic pointing in one direction, I'll take the other.

OSU over Corn.

(25) Stanford @ (11) USC
Iroquois:
I'm not buying an automatic USC win, despite their history of great success in November (undefeated under Petey Pie). Sure, Stanford had to expend a great majority of their energy and probably a lot of their reserve energy in keeping up with the Quack Pack last week. Sure, USC has a better defense than most Stanford has faced this year, led by Everson Griffen and Nick Perry and the perennially overrated Taylor Mays (NOT A SAFETY AT THE NEXT LEVEL. HE CANNOT EVEN COVER WIDE RECEIVERS AT THIS LEVEL. THERE'S A REASON HE ALWAYS GETS STUCK IN THE CENTER FIELD POSITION AND HAS TO CHEAT TO LATERALLY COVER. IT'S BECAUSE HE'S A LINEBACKER.)

I am drinking the Stanford Kool-Aid this week. In fact, for those curious about my identity, here's an action shot of me drinking some Stanford drink. USC will be pretty one-dimensional on offense this week without pass-catchers Damian Williams and whoever their pass-catching TE is. As long as Stanford can play some ball-control and use Gerhart's physical running style to wear down the clock and USC run defense,I think they eke out the victory.

Stanford over USC.

Slate:
Last time Stanford went to the LA Coliseum, they pulled off an upset of epic proportions. LOLZORZ and ROFL-copters were thrown all over the college football landscape in USC's general direction because they finally lost AT HOME to an in-conference team.

This time, Stanford is far improved and USC is not the universe destroyer they once were. A loss for USC would perhaps be the end of the of the halcyon days of complete brutalilty against their opponents 12 out of 13 games a year. A win for Stanford would put Palo Alto back on the football map and validate their hiring of Jim Harbaugh, who promised a resurgance of the Trees. Stanford's gritty/gamer/hard worker/TRUE football player/all around tough guy Toby Gerhart might be able to get some traction against the USC defense which is clearly not the immovable object of previous campaigns. Yet even with a hampered offense, ol' Pete has never lost in November and this will not become the start of that trend.

USC over Stanford


(16) Utah @ (4) TCU
Iroquois:
Utah present meets Utah past. TCU simply has too much on both sides of the ball and the best shot of going undefeated (more on that below).

TCU over Da Utes.

Slate:
Simple fact, Utah has a frosh at QB. TCU has a spectacular defense. This will not end well for the Utes. TCU will continue its march towards undefeatedness.

TCU over Da Utes.

(1) UF @ South Carolina
Iroquois:
Look for Florida to hopefully utilize the vertical passing game to give SCAR something to think about. Since both UF and Bama have punched their championship game tickets, I expect every game from here on out for both teams to be tune-ups and exercises in experimentation for new offensive wrinkles.

UF over SCAR.

Slate:
Last year, Florida set South Carolina on fire in the first quarter and didn't put them out until the lifeless charred remains were glowing orange embers. But last year, UF's offense obliterated all in their way. This year, the offense is far more humanitarian in its efforts. Florida, in an attempt to make some new wrinkles may try something new here and there. But Spurrier is not a man to be trifled with. Upset COULD happen, but probably will not.

UF over SCAR.

Notre Dame @ (8) Pitt

Iroquois:
I continually remain far less skeptical of the Wannstache than most here at PLS. I can't quite tell if it's the recent hire of Frank Cignetti as OCoord or if Dion Lewis is just that good, but whatever the case may be, Bill Stull, Lewis, and Jonathan Baldwin (an IP favorite) have led the way for a much improved Pitt offense.

Of course, we all know the story on Cheeseburger Chuck and his Irish. (No, that wasn't a fat joke, I swear.) Not even the worst Notre Dame coaches in previous years lost to Navy twice in a row. Granted, Navy was a lot worse then and perhaps Navy just had the decided schematic advantage, as Cheeseburger so famously crooned upon his ascension to Head Coach. Put succintly, if last week's lost to Navy didn't do it and the buyout isn't a huge obstance (rumors have it above his annual salary by a considerable margin), a loss this week firmly takes Cheeseburger from Head Coach to Home Couch.

Pitt over ND.

Post-Pick Soapbox

This one will be quick. Once again, I really have nothing to base this on, and maybe its just the Friday the 13th talking, but Boise State will lose this Saturday to Idaho and make a very interesting battle between Al Golden of Temple and Robb Akey of Idaho for Coach of the Year. It's entirely likely that Boise comes out firing because they're angry at themselves for lapsing against La Tech. Maybe, though, juuuust maybe the Football Gods are not ones with which to be trifled and Boise's PR firm idea for BCS promotion was putting the cart before the horse in assuming an undefeated season.

Idaho over Boise.

Slate:
Iroquois seems rather smitten with the Wannstache. There is some reason to this idea. Bill Stull is now a competent QB and the Pitt defense is better than usual. But my good friend forgets that he the Wannstache is Dave Wannstedt. The same man who clearly spends more time feathering his hair than analyzing game schemes. He ALWAYS loses games he should win. Bowling Green last year? North Carolina State this year? Virginia 2 years ago?

This guy always screws up that which is good. The Dolphins, when he coached them, blew playoff tickets in 2003 by losing the last two games despite having 4th quarter leads. If there is a man who can blow something as quickly and seamlessly as Dave Wannstedt, I don't want to meet him.

On the other hand we have frontbutt, Charlie Weis. I'll wager a coke that he pulls this off. Why? Because he is a cockroach and will not go away. He will fight his firing with every breath and kill his program even more as he does.

Notre Dame over Pitt

Your Weekend Picks 11/6/09

by Staff

A few games of large importance amongst a sea of "meh"s. We barely found four worth our acknowledgment.

(15) Ohio State @ (11) Penn State
Annie:
Nittany Lions over the F...Buckeyes

PSU over OSU

Iroquois:
Ohio State's biggest strength (their running game) may in fact be neutralized this weekend. Penn State (aka Linebacker U) has another good one in Sean Lee, who has been coming on strong of late. Ohio State's below average OL may also be attacked relentlessly by an improving PSU D-Line, led by their DT Odrick. However, the exact same thing might be said of State College, PA. One of your author's favorite recruits/players, Cam Heyward, is an absolute MONSTER for Ohio State. Together with the interior of the field, especially the OSU MLB, running for Evan Royster might be tough sledding this week. I'd go so far as to say the concerns on offense even mirror the strengths on defense for both teams.

Come to think of it, these teams aren't that much different on offense, either. I'd give the nod to Daryll Clark over Terrelle Pryor at this point as far as QBs go, but Pryor is the better runner (reminiscient of Daunte Culpepper circa UCF) and Boom Herron isn't too shabby either. I don't think I need to go into great detail about Evan Royster, but PSU wins an awful lot of games when he goes well.

This has the classic "3 yards and a cloud of dust" written all over it, so the advantage, to me, will go to whoever develops the passing game better. Even with his performance last week against the robust New Mexico State D, I can't give the nod to Pryor just yet.

PSU over OSU

Slate:
Conventional logic says that Penn State should brutally crush the Buckeyes. Penn State's defense is one of the best in the country and Ohio State's offense is nowhere near where an elite team's offense should be. But, Ohio State isn't an elite team. Terrelle Pryor will have to run a mile this game and pass with at least some logic and intelligence to move the Buckeyes down the field.

Yet, I think Ohio State will win. Ohio State, like USC, will always get that ONE win. You know the ONE win. The one where we are about the write them off and then they shock a team they should have lost to. From there media runs with "They Were Never Really Gone" headlines. Ohio State should get beaten badly. 33-3 badly. Yet, I just know somewhere in me that somehow they pull this off. Like that one terrible human being person you know who always manages to completely avoid disaster by doing JUST ENOUGH, Ohio State will somehow survive this and their fans will continue to think that they are the #1 team in the country regardless of any obvious things suggesting the opposite.

Ohio State over Penn State

(9) LSU @ (3) Alabama
Annie:
Tigers quiet the Tide

LSU over the Tide

Iroquois:
Another game with some mirroring, but not quite to the same extent. Jordan Jefferson and Greg McElroy are both being treated like game managers rather than play-making QBs (see: extensive Wildcat use with Russell Sheppard and Mark Ingram, respecitvely). Alabama, though, has looked a lot worse ever since their strong start to the season, and this has a lot to do with McElroy. They s-t-ruggled to that victory over Tennessee. Speaking of ST, you gotta be feeling good if you're Bama, because the majority of your recent offense comes from super-K Leigh Tiffin, who has been as reliable as your favorite pair of jeans.

Alabama has the best players in all 3 of the games aspects (Ingram, McClain, Tiffin), so I like them for the win.

Alabam' over LSU

Slate:
LSU's defense is still a strong force not to be trifled with. Alabama's offense has been terrible save for Mark Ingram's decision to go into beast mode. The Greg McElroy experience at QB for the Tide has been akin to going from Nicholas Cage (Bad) to Keanu Reeves (terribly awful) for the lead in a drama movie. It's not like John Parker Wilson was excellent but he was never this bad and I'll wager a few people in Tuscaloosa wish there were those southern frat boy bangs sitting in that helmet under center.

LSU's offense hasn't been better, and Alabama's defense is a spinning death machine as well. Some are saying a defensive heavyweight championship belt defense fight in the 14-10 range... but I see a welterweight fight in a phone booth. I think with Alabama opening up the passing game and LSU remembering which endzone is the one they get points from in the past few weeks will lead to muchas puntas (points) and a great game. And I have LSU being the last one standing.

Bayou Bengals stop the Tide

(7) Oregon @ Stanford (note: Oregon is only -7)
Annie:
Ducks over "Ivy League"

Oregon over Stanford

Iroquois:

Nobody believes in the Ducks, huh? Or do that many people believe in Stanford? Perhaps the USC-crushing hangover lasts into this week, but I can't imagine the Ducks don't take some ibuprofen and snap out of it fairly quickly. For Stanford to have ANY chance in this game, Luck and Gerhart have to carry the offense, and pray to God that this is one of the weeks that Oregon falters like a used Chevy. For as beautiful and precise the Oregon spread attack (perhaps, if you will, the Flying V) can be, it is surely a temperamental mistress.

On another note, can Jeremiah Masoli keep up a dark-horse H---man candidacy? Time will tell.

Oregon over Stanford.

P.S. - Who does Tiger Woods root for in this game? He did go to Stanford, but I can't imagine Phil Knight would be too happy if Oregon lost. Nike, as we all know, sponsors TW's line of apparel and clubs.

Slate:
Jim Harbaugh has built up a nice team in Palo Alto. They have a good offense, a defense that would at least classify as "present" and a rejuventated fanbase. Props and kudos are certainly deserved for that, sir, but I would like to know why you are only 7 point underdogs to Oregon. Someone must know something that I don't. Oregon should pummel Stanford into submission and then run 50 on the scoreboard. Stanford's only prayer is keep the ball out of the hands of Jeremiah Masoli and the Oregon offense for... I dont know... 60 minutes. They are smart at Stanford, I'm sure they will cook something up. Even then, the Ducks will put up at least 40.

By halftime.

Quacks over Trees

Vandy @ (1) Florida
Annie:
Gators top Vandy

UF over Vandy

Iroquois:
No pass protection from Vandy is bad news bears for them. Jermaine Cunningham, Carlos Dunlap (a future top 5 pick), and Justin Trattou will cause QB Larry Smith to have nightmares. Florida's D won't miss a step without Brandon Spikes, being quite noble in choosing to sit out the entire game (still doesn't excuse his action against Ealey, though I would submit nothing actually happened that doesn't normally happen). Tim Tebow could use this game to pad some H---man stats, because he surely needs the help in getting the numbers back to a respectable position. Watch for Tebow, if he's going to make a charge, to do it in these last four weeks. Each D he faces is suspectible to the pass.

Florida over Vandy

(post pick soapbox for Iroquois:)
In addition, I want to continue to mention the Josh Nesbitt for H---man Dark House Candidacy Express. No, he isn't the best player on his team. He does, however, play the most important position and is putting up stellar numbers for a contending team.

Compare his numbers to those of Eric Crouch. (Full disclosure: Rex Grossman should have won that year. No doubt in my mind.) I know he's not a great example, but he did win the Heisman.

Crouch: 1,500 yards passing with 7 TD's and a 134 rating while rushing for 1,100 yards with 18 TD's.
Nesbitt (current): 1,172 yards passing with 6 TD's and a 158 rating while rushing for 763 yards with 13 TD's.
Nesbitt (projected): 1,563 yards passing with 8 TDs and a 158 rating while rushing for 1,018 yards with 18 TD's.

In a year with no runaway candidate, why not Nesbitt, especially if Ga Tech wins the ACC?

Slate:
If Florida actually did get the vertical element of the passing game back on track, then Vanderbilt better pray for a tornado. We have stated several times on this site that we were happy for the Commodores last year. The bowl game was nice. Gameday showing up in Nashville was nice. Memories are nice, aren't they Vanderbilt? Yes, they are. No get back to dropping your pants and underpants and get back in your regular position bent over a barrel. Much appreciated.

Gators sink the Commodores

(post pick soapbox for Slate):
There is a game this weekenmd that is off everyone's radar. Western Michigan @ Michigan State. Judging by recent events of absolutely terrible misforutne for the Spartans for the length of this year, I am picking the Broncos to beat the Spartys in East Lansing. It's not that I want MSU to lose (they would result in me sleeping on a couch), it's that Western has a potent MF'ing offense and they stole 3 recruits from the jaws of Randy Shannon at Miami 2 years ago and as a result have a strong defense. Sadly for MSU, they have played down to their competition all year and got burned 3 times (Central Michigan/Notre Dame/Minnesota). This is in addition to the capricious ways of losing they developed in 4 of their 5 losses (fluke onside kick/missing wide open WRs in the endzone/miserable play call on the last play of the game from their own 7/referees not knowing the rules of the game which they are officiating). I think they are a shell shocked team and will contend for the BigTen championship next year will a powerful offense and a vastly improved defense, but Western has a future first round QB (Tim Hiller) and a future first round WR (Ansel Ponder). Greg Jennings... the killer WR for the Packers?... he went to Western Michigan. So yes, Western Michigan (famous alumni: Tim Allen and Dave Dombrowski) will upset MSU this weekend.

Your Weekend Picks 10-17-09

by Staff

Good collection of games this weekend. The Red River Shootout (or whatever they call it these days), the annual Notre Dame beatdown by USC and the Ol' Ball Coach has a chance to sling a stone and take down a Goliath.

(3) Texas - (20) Oklahoma
Iroquois:
As much as I want to say this is open and shut, I can't. Can Texas run the ball? Can Sam Bradford exploit his RB's strength in pass catching in absence of a solid receiver? Did the entirety of talent on Mobilehoma's line leave after the BCS game? Will Texas be overconfident? Will Oklahoma relish an entire season predicated upon one upset of their Steers 'n Queers rival? How many questions can I type and still form a cogent paragraph? Will Colt McCoy press and end up costing himself a shot at the H---man trophy in one game a'la Peyton Manning 1997?

Texas over OU

Annie:
Longhorns in a shootout...wait, they have those in FOOTBALL NOW TOO!?!

Texas over OU

Slate:
Well I guess this isn't the Top 5 matchup we all were fully erect over back in August. This may or may not be one the last times the game is played in the Cotton Bowl due to Jerry Jones's football Xanadu being completely and almost fully operational. After 2015, it will probably be in the dome. We still could have the Sam Bradford-Colt McCoy offense supernova that will be seen from lightyears away, but remember that Bradford's shoulder isn't 100% yet. Oklahoma, already with 2 losses, is at a standing 8 count, so they will be a bit desperate. Texas can win this game and more than likely set a course for the BigXII championship and more than likely the national championship game. It is this one's belief that OU will certainly hold their own weight, but I think the Will Muschamp will blitz from every direction including from underground, the mascot dressing room and the 8th dimension and in the end... Texas will be the one still standing.

Texas over OU

Red:

The Red River Shootout, a title which I believe we are no longer allowed to use because the word red is considered racist. Or some other reason that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. So I guess I’m supposed to pick who will win the game and then give some type of insightful commentary. Well Red Herring does not roll that way, so instead of doing any insightful matchup comparisons of Offensive lines versus Defensive lines, or any other comparison, I’m simply going to pick a winner and say something mean about each team. This game is not even close. We have Texas, the only team outside of the SEC that is getting any respect whatsoever from the talking heads , and we have Oklahoma, which after losing to the BYU fighting white guys, and then Miami, has shown us that Big Game Bob only has his nickname because he plays in big games not wins them. Also one thing I’ve never understood, how the hell did the University of Texas end up with a cow as their mascot? Did they sleep in on the day mascots were being handed out? I know there is a story but I don’t care enough to look it up.

Prediction: Texas wins by as much as they want to.

(6) USC @ (25) Notre Dame

Slate:
Here comes the end of the line for the Notre Dame Hope Train. It ends, so does the Jimmy Clausen Heisman Conestoga Wagon, as a twisted and flaming wreck left to smolder in its own fire of unachieved expectations (that were unachievable in the first place) and will only be put out once Charlie Weis is fired. Front Butt has survived a good bit, but the hammer beings its fall after a blowout at the hands of a completely chillaxed Pete Carroll who is so cool, he will buy Front Butt a beer and a butter burger before he leaves town out his own cool guilt.

In 5 years Notre Dame will join the Big Ten and will be a powerhouse once again. This is the night it gets kicked off.

USC BIG over notre dame

Annie:
Trojans over the drunks

USC over ND

Iroquois:

Jimmy Clausen has no place among the H---man candidates right now. The mere fact that he's even being considered speaks to the volume of Notre Dame hype back when they were, you know, relevant. Try beating a team with a winning record first, son (note: Winning record is not a .500 record).

This game should once again go to the Men of Troy, CA. Notre Dame's O-Line, outside of Sam Young, tends to falter against strong pass rushes. Guess what USC has? I generally believe as well that Matt Barkley > Tate Forcier (right now), and I expect MB to give ND the same problems as TF did, though not necessarily in as dramatic a fashion.

USC over ND

Red:

In the fifth year of the Charlie Weis coaching regime, or internship depending on who you ask, we have to ponder, how long until Notre Dame backs a dump truck full of money up to Urban Meyer’s house? The answer: not that long. There has been a lot of buzz around the interweb about Notre Dame fan base feeling like they have a real chance in this game, and how Notre Dame players feel that they can beat USC. Well, no they won’t. Notre Dame will go down in flames in the first half and Pete Carroll will continue his ownership of Charlie Weis.

Prediction: USC over Notre Dame and the internship (hopefully for Florida’s sake) continues.

(4) Virginia Tech @ (19) Georgia Tech
Annie:
Hokies over the...Engineers?

VT over GT

Iroquois:
After last week's turnstile defense convention in Tallahassee, I don't think Georgia Tech has the ability or energy to play with VT this week. Tyrod Taylor, if he is progressing as much as he showed last week (one of those TD passes was gorgeous), will exploit the lack of a passing defense (seriously, GT? 359 passing yards to FSU?) and Ryan Williams will run through a tired GT defense, not that he isn't good in his own right.

VT over GT

Slate:
Virginia Tech shot down Miami and Miami sets GT on fire and pissed on the ashes, so by the transitive property of sports, Va Tech should rout the Jackets. But hold on, as EDSBS puts it perfectly, VT caught Miami in a Jacory Harris Flyness-Shortage. Miami now knows the cure. A JHFS is only cured by playing the theme from Shaft in a continuous loop until signs of flyness fire up. So perhaps, the transitive property of sports isn't correct here. We must then consider two things: GT's triple option can be particularly baffling even to "good" defenses and Tyrod taylor is still the QB for VT. Those things considered we roll with GT but it'll be close.

GT over VT

Red:

Virginia Tech has been playing out of their minds after the thumping that Alabama put on them to start the season. Georgia Tech has proven that a brazilliontuple option really will work in college ball. Against an FSU team that could best be described by their odor, Georgia Tech ran the ball at will. FSU knew that GT was going to run the ball and still couldn’t stop them. The Yellow Jacket offense was so dominant that they actually struck Bobby Bowden dumb. I, however, think that the Virginia Tech defense will be able to at least contain if not stop the GT offense. In the battle of the Techs I’m going to go with VT.

Prediction: VT wins a close game after they figure out they can put 11 men in the box and GT will still run.

(22) South Carolina @ (2) Alabama

Slate:

South Carolina's offense is a Steve Spurrier offense-like substance. Think of velveeta cheese. No, the Cock offense is not as good as velveeta is by any stretch of the imagination but remember, velveeta is "processed and blocked cheese." This is all and good, but Nick Saban's defense is so good it went back in time and halted the Huns at Budapest with Rolando McClain personally stopping Attila himself from crossing the Danube. It was a spectacular moment in time, but Nick Saban erased all knowledge of it from ever happening because he doesn't want teams to know his tactics (archers to the back left flank supported by corners in a soft zone). Alabama will probably hold the Cock offense to very few points.

'Bama over South Carolina

Annie:
Tide over Cocks

Bama over SCAR

Iroquois:
Again, I think Bama trips up at some point this year. This isn't that game, though. Jarvis Giles' suspension pretty much nails this one shut. Unless Alshon Jeffrey and Stephen Garcia rock worlds like last week, this one shouldn't be too much of a contest. I do wish to note, however, that this may be the week where we really see Greg McElroy fall apart and as such, Bama will treat him like LSU treats Jordan Jefferson: as a game manager more than a playmaker.

Bama over SCAR

Red:

Do you really want commentary here? The only question about this game is how many visors Steve Spurrier goes through before he says screw it and leaves early to beat the traffic. The fighting Sabans will have their way with the Gamecocks on both sides of the ball and the only thing that prevents this from being a blow out is if the bus carrying the Alabama team get lost on the way to the stadium. However I can’t pass up this opportunity to mention that there might be a special appearance by ALABAMA MAN!

Prediction: LSU Alabama helps convince the Ole Ball Coach that he needs to hang them up for good.


Arkansas @ (1) UF

Slate:
Florida gets to return home and see an Arkansas team whose offense's volatility rating is classified as: "Mixing Clorox with Drano." Sometimes it's great, other times it shows up at the wrong stadium. UF better not consider this a week off. Florida wins big, but only if their offense shakes the rust off.

UF over Arky

Iroquois:
I decline to analyze games in which I have a personal stake.

UF over Arky

Annie:
Too close to call...

UF over Arky

Red:

The Gators come off an exciting (painful to watch) victory against LSU in Red Pole and come home to face Arkansas. One thing is clear; Florida simply must drop a metric shitload of points on the Razorbacks in this game because UF is risking losing their number one ranking simply because Alabama keeps decapitating their opponents. Tebow needs to take care of business (and he will) and we see an explosion from the Florida offense against Arkansas’ defense that will just not be able to keep up with the speed UF brings to the table. But hey, you guys had Darren McFadden. That was pretty good back in the day.

Prediction: UF wins by a ton and then Tebow heals all of the injured players and feeds the masses with only one six pack of beer and three of those Red Baron “pizzas” they sell at the concession stands. Meyer moves one step closer to adding another ring to his iconic wardrobe.

Northwestern @ MSU

Iroquois:

Ummm, really?

MSU over NW

Slate:
MSU is rebounding, we expected that, and perhaps it continues this week against a not-as-good-as-last-year Northwestern team. Then again MSU, as a program, does have a propensity for losing games they should win. Some say it was the Michigan game, but I say this is the game that will make or break the season because they are still a good team. Winning here gets them above .500 (4-3) and 3-1 in conference. This still have Minnesota, Western Michigan and Purdue (all games they should win) with games at Iowa and at home against Penn State. An 8-5 could be seen as a success after how they started.

MSU over NW

Annie:
Spartys over the Journalists

MSU over NW

Red:

Ok, time to pretend I care about this game. Deep Breath. OKAY! What an exciting game with two teams that have so much to play for! Sparty looks to improve to 4-3 while Northwestern looks to stay above .500. Both teams still have a chance to compete for a conference title. (If Columbus burns down over the weekend). So based purely on which mascot is more likely to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life, I’m going to go with Michigan State over Northwestern.

Prediction: Sparty and his unblinking ways literally scares the Northwestern team into not even stepping onto the field. Or maybe Northwestern wins, who knows its Big Ten football!


(11) Iowa @ WisCANsin

Annie:
Corn over Cheese

Iowa over W

Slate:
WisCANsin should have beaten Ohio State, but a KO return for a TD and a Pick 6 doomed them. Honestly... when will someone finally just kill this overrated OSU team!? Iowa is undefeated, but hasn't looked spectacular in any particular game. Remember they had to block 2 FGs to beat D2 Northern Iowa? They almost coughed up a win last week, Arkansas State almost tripped them up and they barely outlasted Arizona. So let's not get the anointing oils just yet. I think I see an upset.

WisCANsin over Iowa

Iroquois:
I stumped against the Corn last week and will continue to do so until I'm finally proven right.

Wisky over Corn

Red:

Now this is an interesting game. Iowa has managed to be the quietest unbeaten major conference team all year and they are finally getting respect they apparently deserve. Wisconsin is more of a question mark. Will they be a ferocious badger running the ball down Iowa’s throat? Or will they hide in their hole as Iowa moves the ball downfield in a methodical manner? Based only on this video evidence of the Wisconsin football team practicing I’m going to go ahead and pick the upset!

Prediction: Wisconsin wins a close game against Iowa partly through skill, partly through hypnosis by pumping this into the visitor’s locker room.