Posted by Iroquois Plisken
There was some big game last night. I believe the winning team wishes to know, "Who amongst thee dares to declare that they are better than my team of origin?" Well, the correct answer (at least this year), is, "Nobody." Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints, 2009 Super Bowl winners. The phrase "New Orleans Saints, Super Bowl champions" now rates right up there with "Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Super Bowl champions" and "Boy, Al Davis was right" with Least Likely Phrases You Thought to Hear in Your Lifetime.
Because the writers for PLS are flung far and wide (mostly far, not so much wide), around the second quarter, I started trying to get a sense of where the other writers were during this fairly dull game. I don't think I'm alone (or if I am, I'm the only right person in the world) in saying that 5/6th of this game was pretty boring. Neither team was really excited to try deep passes or anything crowd pleasing; 13 yard runs were pretty much the peak of excitement for a long time. I will go so far as to say that it is not the job of Sean Payton or Jim Caldwell to please the fans with respect to their tactics, but in terms of results. I don't begrudge them for planning their game the way that they did, but I can say that this was one of the least exciting Super Bowls in recent memory and sort of backhandedly compliment the teams.
During the slower parts, I started the most efficient way of conversing among multiple parties: mass text. There is no way for any of you to know this, but as worldly and generally awesome as Slate's biography makes him seem, it was only recently that he began to receive text messages. We are in the process of telling him that there is some really hotshot prep basketball player named LeBron James that will end up being the #1 pick and probably be an instant star in the league (we're also trying to convince him to save his money and pass on The Matrix Reloaded.)
What this post amounts to is a "running diary" of reactionary thoughts to what was going on in the Super Bowl. All texts are to be treated as [sic] and may contain vulgar language. A further special thanks will go out to two of my friends who do not read the blog (for shame!) and are now unwillingly participating in the conference call.
6:30 IP: Colts by 4
Friend #1 (hence Scott Norwood, or SN): I have the Colts covering the spread which I think is 5.
(long silence, while people were still under the impression a game was going on)
7:21 IP: I can't take Sanchez seriously with this woman's heart attack commercial after those rape allegations.
SN: Like he cares about women's heart attacks.
Friend #2 (hence Fred Taylor, or FT): Yeh seriously
7:41 FT: That was dumb ypu take the points
SN: Not even close to the over under
7:57 (right around halftime) IP: Well, I'm right so far.
8:25 (the onside kick) Red: Wow wow wow
SN: Onside kick ballsy.
IP: Payton shouldn't have been anywhere near that scrum.
SN: Eh cut him some slack
Red: Payton Manning sad face dye
(non-football related diatribe about Twilight Princess and a subsequent snow day on Capitol Hill)
8:45 Red: This game comes down to which QB makes a mistake. Mark it down. [Ed Note: Two thoughts. 1) How prophetic. 2) Why would we need to mark it down when there's complete evidence on both my phone bill and my phone?]
8:52 FT: Is it just me or is this game pretty boring and what is up with edwards i hope the billd go winless fucking thievimh bastards
FT: The draft is going to be more exciting than this game
9:16 IP (the heated 2PC review): Wow can't believe that.
SN: This is a tough call either way
IP: Not conclusive in my opinion.
IP: Has one call gone against NO? Even though they got that one right?
SN: Yeah i really don't know so i would have to go with the call on the field.
Red: Error free football, honestly I've not seen a whole lot to be called against them
IP: Yeah both of these teams have been going pretty clean. The "late hit" on Bush was the only awful call.
9:26 IP: Jabari Greer's return has really messed up the Colts.
Red: Green police, the most frightning commercial of the super bowl
IP: I would kick them in the balls if they did that to me.
9:30 (Peyton's TAINT) IP: Of all the people I expected to fuck up, it wasn't Peyton.
Red: First mistake by a QB. We should just post our texts for the blog
(lightbulb going off)
IP: Hahah that would be awesome.
Red: The Payton sad face, and he does make mistakes look where he went to college
FT: Colts havnt been the saem since the jets game the lost their edge
SN: Yeah wayne came out of the break a little slow and those routes are all about timing
IP: I did think it would be Reggie Wayne he has sucked since greer came back in
9:42 (the waning minutes) IP: Questionable clock mgmt there.
IP: Well, I was right. Wayne should have caught that.
FT: Jim caldwell looks in over his head you wonder how much of his success is due to just taking what dungy built
Red: Noted
IP: Manning is going to take so much shit for this. Even if only one play was bad. His receivers fucked him.
Red: Should have gone to Clark more in the second half
FT: Yeh dungy would not have been outcoached
Slate (chiming in for the first time): Just doesnt sounds right New orleans saints super bowl champs
IP: Almost as bad as Tampa Bay Bucs, Super Bowl Champs.
Slate: On a related note detroit lions sb champs 2014? Browns in 2018?
IP: Somewhere, Bill Simmons is masturbating to the Peyton Sad Face
Red: Well, now I know what Im going to have nightmares about tonight. Bill Simmons' O-face.
So, there you have it. Not particularly entertaining, but as the guy who writes the day after the Super Bowl, I wanted to break up from my usual verbose analysis to provide "real time" reactions to the things that were going on. Since I am by no means a professional writer, it's fine every once in a while to show you precisely why I'm not. Hope everyone enjoyed the game to the best of their ability.
As a postscript, here is a linky to all of the Super Bowl commercials. My three favorite?
1. Bud Light Auto-Tune. Something about T-Pain (an artist who nearly put me in his music video--long story for another time) wanting guacamole with the Auto Tune filter cracks me up.
1a. The Snickers commercial with Betty White and Abe Vigoda. Would have probably done okay even in a big year for commercials.
2. The Doritos Samurai. I thought this was the best of the Doritos commercials that aired
3. (tie) The Last Denny's Ad (with the screaming chicken and the birthday cake) and the CareerBuilder.com Casual Friday ad. The chicken scream ad was very [adultswim]-esque, which is fine by me. Career Builder's was funnier, I think, and it brought to mind one of my favorite Simpsons quotes.
The Tim Tebow FOTF ad? Much ado about nothing.
Last, but most especially not least, here's hoping the Masked Reader/Chef went 4/4 this Sunday.
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