What is "a Soccer"?

by Slate Quicksilver

Pick five reasons most Americans don't like about hockey. Boringness, lack of scoring, Canadians, unpronounceable names and "it's stupid" are all reasons Americans seem to be physically repelled from Hockey outside of the Northeast or Rustbelt. A perfect example of that is shown in this stat: 40% of all the NHL's money revenue comes from 6 TEAMS! 4 of them are in America: Boston, New York, Detroit and Chicago. Outside of this hockey bubble, vast tracts of empty seats plague arenas. Hockey, as anyone with half of a functioning brain cell, does not work in the south. "Work" meaning "attendance doesn't plummet the second the team does poorly."

So where is the entry going?

Soccer is plagued with the same five reasons Americans don't like hockey. Worse still, soccer has all of those problems in spades. 0-0 ties occur more frequently than you would think, 3-0 is considered a torching. There aren't Canadians (though they do have a national "team"), but the names are just as unpronounceable. "Stupid(ity)"? Some will argue that it's largest quality.

But that is the old guard. The same people who like their football Sundays after church, their trucks large and gas inefficient and their news FOXy. Soccer in the younger generations is larger than most know/will admit. The younger generations grew up playing soccer thanks to yuppie parents wanting to get their kids a guaranteed hour of exercise a week. The US soccer team is not particularly good yet (they have their moments), but this country silently has laid the foundation to be a soccer powerhouse considering our resources both economically and population based.

This author is particularly enamored with soccer. He played soccer from the age of 7 to 17 on a regular basis and constantly looks to keep playing... even its bastard cousin: "Indoor soccer." He coached youth teams to get his volunteer hours in high school and was rather successful at doing so. The World Cup becomes a time when he completely shuts down the rest of his life and looks to only watch the games regardless of who is playing.

The MLS is terrible soccer. It is, comparitively, like single A minor league baseball at best. David Beckham came over here to "save soccer" in America and ran screaming for the door within a little under two years. I guess his wife was bored with shopping in L.A. otherwise he probably would have done something to leave earlier. The EPL, English Premier League, is great soccer. But it's only on at weird times... stupid curvature of the Earth and it's changing of time zones.

Yet international soccer is amazing. You may think you are fan of a particular sport. You may think you have some really "crazzzzzy" fans for those teams. You may even have a fat guy paints his shirt X team color and goes out in the driving snow and jiggles his belly to "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night" because he is JUST THAT CRAZZZZZZY! Please understand that gentleman would be considered average at best in terms of international soccer.

As an American, you cannot understand what it means to beat a rival country that borders you that once invaded you in the 11th Century. I can't know either. It has been explained to me by all fans. The Latin World's fans are emotional and fiery. Northern European fans are glib and usually angry. African fans are just plain crazy and cheer with unbridled joy even if Angola is losing 4-0 to their opponent. Scottish fans riot as a social event. Italian and Portuguese fans are terrible human beings who promote their teams' cheap shots and diving.

The point of all of this is that the World Cup is coming. There was a movement amongst the authors here at PLS to maybe try to go there, but it was stopped early due to financial restrictions. But know that this site will follow the World Cup qualifying and then start previewing as we get closer.