by Slate Quicksilver
Tomorrow, Iroquois will give you a play by play for national recruiting day. He will help give the skinny on all the new kids. Fresh faces and glimmering hopes will be shown on TV while they pick up a hat amongst other hats whilst the sports media explodes over theoretical possibilities. Those gentlemen had better enjoy it, because once they leave for the NFL, they will be ruthlessly analyzed, tracked and examined by NFL scouts. These scouts will look at every flaw, every imperfection of any kind to see just if you'll be the next Peyton Manning, or the next R. Jay Soward. Who is R. Jay Soward?
"Unfortunately, it was a slow downhill trip for Soward from there, bottoming out when he was almost killed by the USC mascot, Traveler, a horse, while he gestured at the opposing team's fans on his way to the bathroom in the middle of a game during his senior season."
The Jacksonville Jaguars scout team was able to look at that and say: "Gee golly, you know what? I think we should pump several million dollars even if he does have an admitted huge drug problem." He was out of the league in 2 years.
So what makes an NFL scout tick? The PLS crack squad of investigators has found that out. We captured a voice recorder from the Senior Bowl, and the results are very enlightening.
"I just don't know about Taylor Mays. His left hand is a quarter inch smaller in diameter."
"Roderick Muckelroy looks great. His pecs are exploding out of that tight white compression shirt with his nipples pressing outward like... Wait what? Oh yeah, first round."
"Geno Atkins' teeth are just slightly off white. Mid Second Round"
"George Selvie drives a Volkswagen Jetta. Totally a girl car... mid-late first round."
"Terrance Cody looks out of shape and is struggling with his blocking assignments and might have trouble contemplating NFL defensive playbooks. Top 5 pick."
"Mardy Gilyard reminds me of a young John Cleese."
"Ed Dickson is black?"
"This McDonalds is not sitting well with me. Oh, right Tony Pike. 4th round."
"Jacoby Ford went to the bathroom and didn't wash his hands. 3rd rounder at best."
"Tim Tebow is the worst QB in the history of the universe and should be shot for even attempting to play football."
"Ciron Black reminds me of my 7th grade crush, Sharon Thompson. Things didn't end well, if I remember. 2nd rounder."
"Sean Witherspoon is Taurus. The moon is in the 7th house, so stay away until the 3rd round."
"Dexter McCluster cannot be a real name. /Ignore"
"Vladimir Ducasse is from a D2 school... Have fun in the CFL, ya hoser."
"LeGarrette Blount, is a real standup guy... 1st rounder. No question marks here."
"Ed Wang has average footing, solid hand technique and a good grip on the game."
"John Conner dropped a pass out of the backfield. Hasta la vista."
"Dan LeFevour had lesser stats against far more inferior competition compared with Tim Tebow. 2nd round."
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"Ed Dickson is black?"
ReplyDeleteLaughed for at least 5 minutes after that one.
/didn't know that until the Rose Bowl
You bring up a good point that NFL scouts are about as random and picky as they get. The stupidest things in the world make the stocks of players jump and fall. Honestly they are so scrutinized that even the smallest mistake or the smallest flaw could make or break their careers and honestly it sucks. People like Mel Kiper and Todd McShay should be thrown off a cliff.