Communique from Undisclosed Location

**THIS MESSAGE WAS PASSED FROM 7 DIFFERENT AGENTS WHO ARE PART OF A NETWORK OF FOCUSED INDIVIDUALS LOOKING TO FREE THE NATION OF KZERBACKISTAN FROM THE TYRANNICAL RULE OF NICKOLAI TSHACHIVILLI. ONLY FOUR OF THOSE MEN WILL RETURN HOME.**

Greetings friends. Slate, here. I'm Broadcasting this dictated message to you from an underground bunker. (STOP) Our attempts at retaking the capital hit a bump when our inside man "Rolando" was outed by a one legged midget named "Viktor" and we are looking to recoup our lost time and production in order to get back on track. (STOP) Kzerbackistan will be a free nation again... perhaps by Wednesday. If you haven't heard about it, I do not blame you for your ignorance, I blame your media outlets. (STOP)

Anyway I would like to thank Annie and Iroquois for floating the site and once this nation is free again, I will return to my post as one of the purveyors of this fine establishment. (STOP)

Thank you for reading this site and we will see you on the flip side. And if you would like to send a cache of AR-15s, appropriate bullets and a martini shaker to 41.34689 North 80.4688101 East, we will reimburse you ASAP and name a street after you in Qaadleqiu. (STOP)

Until Wednesday,
Slate Quicksilver

Charlie Weis Allegedly Out in South Bend

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Cheeseburger Chuck is no longer the Burger King in South Bend, reports say. After leaving a storied Patriots championship run, as soon as the opportunity to lead his alma mater to glory, Weis took a Johnny Rocket out of town and left for the greener pastures of Indiana. Despite putting forth their best efforts, the late Rally's this year just weren't enough to save Big Boy's job. The meeting has yet to take place formally, but many expect the meeting to move at a Sonic speed. Weis will likely be In-n-Out of the office only long enough to grab his belongings.

AD Jack Swarbrick released an unofficial statement about the firing, stating, "Wendy's coaches, dey be comin' in and promising great things but only producing Checkered results, that's Hardee the image we are tryin' to project. Mr. Weis' record was the worst of the last Five Guys to coach here. At Notre Dame we don't ask for much. We just want a guy to walk into our White Castle and return us to prominence with the capture of the Krystal trophy."

Swarbrick also included a quip how Weis's replacement would tend closer to the Irish part of their team. A man named McDonald has been mentioned as a leading candidate.


Also, as a programming note, I will be taking an 11 day hiatus from the site to focus on my finals. See you folks again on the 10th of December.

Nothing's Going on in the NHL

By Annie Detroit

Unlike the NCAA, there are no undefeated teams. Unlike the NFL, there isn't a senior citizen leading the league in all offensive categories (Joe Thorton is only 30 so he doesn't count). I've been searching around for the last 20 minutes on ESPN and NHL.com looking for some interesting story to blog about regarding the NHL. I can't find anything interesting to blog about.

The NHL is boring. No one is chasing any long standing cherished records, there are no heated rivalries that command the attention of viewers across the nation. There isn't even a scandal going on right now. The biggest news I could find was Buffalo's Patrick Kaleta being suspended for hitting a guy (I saw the hit, it wasn't that bad). So what is going on in the NHL?

Well, most of the teams are about where they should be standings-wise. The biggest surprise I see is Detroit almost at the bottom of their division for the first time since the 80's. I would blog about that, but I'm sure most of you don't want to hear a Red Wings fan complaining about the Red Wings, so I am pleading the fifth on this particular issue until spring.

The fact of the matter is the start of this season has been a tad disappointing in my view. The top scorer right now is Joe Thorton, not big surprise. The top team right now is the San Jose Sharks, not quite straying from my preseason prediction though I focused more on the end of the season for these guys. That's really all the excitement for now. Forgive me for not being on the edge of my seat. Even Crosby and Ovechkin have been exceedingly quiet this year thus far.

Why is that? Why is the NHL boring? Perhaps it's because no one is attempting to hype things up? I'm not sure if I've mentioned it yet on the blog, but I hate Versus. They do a terrible job and I feel they are a large part of this lack of interest in the NHL. Football, baseball, soccer, and basketball are on ESPN, and ESPN makes sure you know it. They talk about it on Sportscenter, they show commercials like crazy, and they have their other commentary shows (PTI, Around the Horn) covering everything as well. We would be lucky if Tony Cornheiser and Mike Wilbon talk about hockey, and Tony Riali only brings it up once in a blue moon (usually when the only hockey afficianado Tim Cowlishaw is absent). ESPN isn't there for the NHL to hype up every play and make that one hit on that one guy a huge deal and turn it into a scandal. While I think ESPN often over-exaggerates things, they know how to get people interested. So screw you Versus, no one wants to watch bull-riding after a hockey game.

Something I've noticed in the last few years. You know at the beginning of SportsCenter when they show a bunch of one second clips to go along with the theme music? Well, whenever they show NHL clips, they always show guys getting rocked into the boards or flying forward and landing on their faces or celebrating a goal. If these are the things that are exciting about the NHL, then why is the NHL trying to get rid of them? Hmm, interesting.

But maybe it isn't a network thing? Maybe it's the league that needs to step up. All year around, the NFL shows commercials about how great they are and how if you don't watch the season opener in three months the world will most likely end. I really only see commercials for the NHL while I'm already watching the NHL. Real smart guys. I'm already watching!! And you know what else? Sidney Crosby isn't good at speaking in front of a camera, try someone else! The NHL doesn't have aggressive add campaigns, familar faces that you can throw in a Sears commercial, or a video game that has people lining up at the local GameStop for the midnight release. It seems as though the NHL has accepted this mentality that they will never be as popular as the other sports that occupy the headlines.

To correct these problems, I suggest a few simple steps:

1. Dump Versus like a bad habit. They are terrible and no one watches them even if they have a cable package that carries them.

2. Get back on ESPN. They know how to work a crowd.

3. Disco Demolition Night?

4. The NHL needs to do a better job getting their names out there. To the casual observer (the south) people don't know who guys like Joe Thorton and Marian Gaborik are.

5. Kill Gary Bettman; I just feel that will solve everything.

It's not like any of these things are impossible (although I doubt anyone would provide the permits to set fire to vinyls within an ice arena), so it's not like I'm asking a lot. If all these are done, the NHL will find itself back in the mix with the other pro sports and not just watching from the sidelines.

I will volunteer to head up the committee to complete #5.

Programming Note

Apologies for earlier miscommunications. It was a forgotten fact that Annie Detroit does not celebrate American Thanksgiving and therefore has added two posts for this holiday weekend. For those who do not follow the posts of the super-spy blogger, we apologize again for making you scroll down to earlier posts.

Whatever happened to retiring with dignity?

By Annie Detroit

With recent news of AARP/NHL liason Chris Chelios' attempts to return to professional hockey after being out for less than six months, I have to ask: why don't players just retire and be done with it?

So many players in professional sports these days are too stubborn to step out of the limelight and pass the torch to the next generation. A certain someone in the NFL is a very good example. I don't need to say who and that's exactly my point. This particular person should've retired a few years ago and should be living it up at a beach house in Maui.

Compare this to other professions. Do you think the CEO of a major company would be terribly excited if one of his middle management guys retired and un-retired three times in three years? Can one even do that!? Normal people have a plan and stick with it or change before it's too late so they don't look like assholes. There are many professional athletes that look like assholes.

What's even better is when they attempt to come back only to be rejected. Claude Lemieux (one of my favorite people) is a good example. He attended training camp with the San Jose Sharks only for the team to take a pass on a man who played many years and accomplished very little. Apparently Darren McCarty hit a few too many times in the head. McCarty is also a good example. As a Wings fan, I was ready to welcome him back to the game and the team with open arms, but when he was able to crack the lineup he did absolutely nothing and was promptly released. Perhaps the two were collaborating so they both could come back and create a trilogy of blood feuds. I would've watched it.

To use a word often lost in the sports world these days: the classy players are the ones who retire with dignity. Gretzky, Messier, Yzerman, Ripken Jr., etc. Athletes like these are the ones who don't want to see leave. These are the guys you wish were just joking when they said they were retiring but were really going to come back the next year. Though those are just pipe dreams. You know deep down players like these wouldn't do that because they are the classy ones. So we have to watch guys like Roger Clemens who just can't make up their freakin' minds. Or you'll see players who you know should retire but just won't go away like Allen Iverson. He finally called it quits after embarrassing himself earlier this season.

It should be every athletes dream to go out to a standing ovation

A message to all professional athletes: Get together with the family and financial planner and figure some stuff out. Don't wake up one day, decide to retire, and two days later change your mind. Make a decision and stick with it. It will save us all a lot of grief.

And now for your viewing pleasure.

Yes Virginia, Lions Fans do Exist

By Annie Detroit

Though it may have been less than evident given the Lions Thanksgiving Day performance on national television, there surprisingly are some very loyal and enthusiastic Lions fans out there. I had the pleasure of meeting some of them this past weekend when the Lions defeated the Cleveland Browns for magic win #2.

I took in a very elegant tailgating party before heading into the stadium. Who knew that in such a decrepit city such as Detroit could there be anything "elegant" survive within the city limits, but that is exactly what I witnessed.

When I first arrived, I realized that I had never seen so many Lions fans in one confined space outside the stadium before, and every single one of them seemed to be in good spirits. It was a little cold on this late November day, but the beer flowed well enough to keep everyone warm. What made this tailgate special was that it in no way had anything to do with sitting in the back of a vehicle. This particular group of 40 die-hard Lions fans (yes, that's right, die-hard Lions fans) did not use their cars but for transportation. Instead, they arrive at the tailgate around 9am every home game and lash together six tents in order to serve their pre-game meal.

Chicken, corned beef, among other dishes, a meal fit for a Lion?

I really do mean meal. Forget the cold sandwiches or even the partially cooked hotdogs on the tiny grill. This was a full three course set out before us. Salads, green bean caserole, chicken, even corned beef, along with hot coffee or cocoa and decadent desserts made up the menu of this smorgasbord. Good food coupled with upbeat chatter and high hopes for the day's game. The only fee for this feast was a request to take part in the 50/50 raffle that raised the money to continue this group and flourishing tradition. I didn't win the money, but I won just for being there.

Then the Lions won.

The tents were abuzz when I returned following the bizarre and purely Lions-style victory. The crowd was celebrating and the grill was hot as brats and hot dogs were being prepared for the post game meal!

A celebratory cigar and brat to top off a great day of football for these loyal fans

It was one of the best experiences I have ever had not only at a Lions game, but a football game in general. Even though the Lions have nested in the bottom of the NFL for the past 50 years, the fans remain optomistic and hopeful. No matter how good or bad the Lions play, the grill remain hot and the food will always be good, so it will still be a good day in Detroit.

Quick Hitter CFB Rivalry Weekend Picks

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Really quickly, I'll hammer out some CFB predictions for the weekend.

(3) Texas over A&M - not surprising, nor should it be. Texas has pretty much punched its ticket for the Mythical National Championship game.

(9) Pitt over WV and (5) Cincy over Zook - setting up the de facto Big East championship. Neither team should be looking ahead because these are two teams that like to spring upsets when discounted from the game.

Auburn over (2) Bama - Perhaps just wishful thinking, but this is the game I've been thinking all year will catch Bama. The Barners are coming off of a bye and would love nothing more than to spring the upset.

(7) Ramblin' Wreck over UGA

(12) Okie Doke State over Oklahoma

SCAR over (18) Taters

UCLA over (20) USC

(21) Da Utes over (19) BYU

(25) Miss over MSU

(1) Florida over FSU - Like Kirk Herbstreit, I won't comment on games that I'm attending. If FSU wants to win the game, though, they will need to have a strong game by E.J. Manuel in the passing department.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving, folks.

What is Going on in Tampa?

Posted by Iroquois Pilsken

PLS is exploding with content today. You're welcome (or I apologize).

I just noticed that Tampa Bay demoted DC Jim Bates and HC Raheem Morris will assume the DC duties. Tampa will return to the defense that bears its name.

Coach Morris and I have had our past tiffs. I could sort of live with the decision previously, in light of the fact I thought Josh Johnson should be given a shot. This one is unacceptable.

For those of you who are keeping score, Raheem Morris has now fired both his DC (listed above) and his previous offensive coordinator within three months of taking the job. This desperately smacks of something I call "not knowing what the hell is going on". First, even a football outsider like me knows that you only sacrifice coordinators in order to extend your own head coaching career. This doesn't really bode well for Morris' career as a Head Coach if he's already firing guys.

Second, it was obvious that Bates' defense (a more physical 4-3) was not going to work with the present personnel at the season's outset. I could live with the hiring if only to secure Bates and then bring in different personnel as the year played out, possibly getting a prime player at the top of the draft. But Raheem and GM Mark Dominik surely must have known that Morris' and Bates' defensive philosophies were at odds. Since these guys were hand-picked by the Dynamic Duo, it speaks poorly of the research that actually went into hiring these coordinators.

Lastly, the Raheem Morris shouting point, "Stay the Course" has actually turned into a more false rallying cry than "We want the ball and we're going to score!" What, exactly, does going back to the defense that couldn't stop the run at the end of last year do to correct the problem of being unable to stop the run this year? To clarify, Raheem Morris and Mark Dominik believe that staying the course means to start from a fresh, new direction, release your team's icon, and then give up when it sucks and go back to what we did before. As JoeBucsFan has so eloquently stated,

Joe hasn’t seen this much needless motion and misdirection since Chucky had a his offense shifting all over the place on every other play.

Full disclosure: I wanted Gruden gone. I thought he had run his course; the offense was erratic (as always) and the defense pretty much quit after Monte Kiffin had his bags packed for Tennessee. Sometimes, the devil you do know is better than the devil you don't.At this point, I'd rather see Isaiah Thomas coach the Bucs. At least we could then blame his incompetence on not knowing football because he was a basketball guy (of sorts).

The only thing Tampa might be able to do to win back fan support at this point is to give their franchise icon a chance to start the coaching climb. I firmly believe, and will stump for, Derrick Brooks' hiring in some capacity. He is a pretty intelligent guy who will some day make a fine DC/HC, if he so chooses. Let's give him the opportunity to start now, assuming he is the bigger person and forgives the organization that so swiftly showed him the door when he didn't fit the new scheme, only to abandon it midseason and return to the scheme in which he was fluent. Believe me, the fans would be more willing to give Brooks a chance than most, if not all, are giving to Morris.

No more excuses, Raheem. No more excuses, Dominik. This terrible administration and coaching job are now squarely on you chumps. You can try to wash the blood of change off of your hands now, but mere cries of, "Out, damn spot! Out, I say!" will prove much like Ms. Macbeth's attempts: fruitless and historically famous for not working.

Marginal Quarterbacks Biblically Knowing Attractive Women

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Damn it. If only I were a bad quarterback on a bad team, then I too could be seen with generally accepted attractive women.

Kyle Boller and Former Miss California (and noted anti-homosexual advocate) Carrie Prejean- At least one of them isn't afraid of pocket pene...probably best I stop right there.

Brady Quinn (noted possible homosexual) and Former Olympic gymnast Alicia Sacramone - TheBigLead is all over this one. My favorite comment? They both have experience choking under pressure. Spot on, spot on.

Whose Severence Payments Will Be Buying Christmas Presents This Year?

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Yesterday was a travel day for me, so apologies in being unable to pen anything. Today, we will be looking across the realm of Sport and analyzing who gets to raid the local Toys R Us with severance pay packages this year. Since this is the second peak of sports in session (the other is around March/April), baseball will unfortunately not be included here. So, let's jump around the world and take a lookey-loo.

Already In Line for the New Hannah Montana Trinkets

Byron Scott, formerly NOR - No surprise. His team looked like they had tuned him out last season. I'm amazed he got as far as he did, but then again, a playoff berth, even if capped at one round, does a lot to save a team, even if one can reasonably assign that Chris Paul carried the team there. Scott and Paul were tight, though, so don't be surprised if Scott is hired by a coach willing to gamble on CP3's availability in two years.

Dick Jauron, formerly BUF - Another non-surprise. The man is a complete failure as a head coach, save 2001, when he led the Bears to a 13-3 record. Those 13 wins account for 22% of his total career head coaching victories (60). I don't know how he is at just being a coordinator, because it seems like he's experienced some success. It should both sadden and enrage Bears fans that Jauron shares a positive trait with the legendary George Halas and the object of Bill Swerski's Superfans' affections, that being all three have won at least 13 regular season games with the Bears.

Didn't Get Fired, But Is Right There With The Above

Rocky Hager, formerly Northeastern - Well, there's a hell of a way to go. Hager, who did not have a winning season in his 6 years as coach, didn't just get fired. Friends, Hager was responsible for the completing axing of the entire football program. I'm almost positive that my sweeping generality is inaccurate and it was probably a cost benefit analysis of some sort, but sweeping generalities are far more fun.

Might Want to Make Sure the Geoffrey Dollars are Handy

Lawrence Frank, currently NJN - Few coaches, if any, can survive potential 17-20 game losing streaks to open a year. Even as one of the deans of the NBA coaches (hard to believe that he's been there 7 seasons and has yet to be canned), he probably won't survive this sluggish start. Still, his contract expires at the end of the season, so he's either getting fired or non-tendered.

Ron Wilson, currently the Maple Leafs - I don't know, I felt obliged to pick some hockey team. I saw this article and I figured it was worth the risk. Good to know he's dapper, though. That'll take him far. Maybe he'll channel his inner Fred Astaire and put on his Ritz.

Charlie Weis, currently Notre Dame - Nothing more needs to be said. Even Ty Willingham and Bob Davie could beat the Naval Academy.

Eric Mangini, currently CLE - Another Belichick disciple who's on the verge of needing some gainful employment. I don't think he'll get fired but it's probably not a great idea to give the players ammunition (real or metaphorical) before you have to renegotiate the CBA.

The One That Will Make Some Fans Really Cry

Urban Meyer, currently UF - ...Just kidding. He's staying at Florida. Suck it.

Final Word for College Football Week 12

by Slate Quicksilver

Like Les Miles and timeouts, I just assumed that this Final Word column would post itself. ZING! Thanks you've been a great audience. Try the veal and don't forget to tip your wait staff, they are the true heroes here.

(1) Florida strapped FIU a parachute full of dynamite and pushed them out of a plane over the North Atlantic Ocean. Florida hit the 42 point mark and out came Tebow, which was slightly disappointing. Leaving Tebow until 50 would have gotten him another 2 TDs and another 150 total yards. It seems that Urban Meyer, who clearly lets Tebow do whatever he wants, has decided that Tebow's second Heisman is not a necessity.

(2) Alabama, in an effort to one-up UF, played a D2 school (Chattanooga). "If you can play a bad team, we can play a really bad team!" exclaimed Nick Saban. As Florida did with FIU, 'Bama eviscerated their opponent with a cool and efficient demeanor.

(3) Texas blew up Kansas thus enraging Mark Mangino that much more. Finding out about Mangino's rage issues is rather funny because now we can draw comparisons between the spherical coach and Dr. Robotnik, of the Sonic the Hedgehog series.

(4) TCU is now 11-0 and is a lock for a BCS bid. It is this one's opinion that TCU will play in the Sugar Bowl. Frankly if they play my team, which is quite possible, things will be very very interesting. By interesting I mean a low scoring slugfest.

(6) Boise State obliterated Utah State. Related to the last team: Boise State is a lock for a BCS bowl... probably the Fiesta Bowl. This is because the Pac10, BigXII, Big East and ACC truly only deserve 1 team.

The rest of the Top 25:

Ole Miss and Father Time defeated (8) LSU, which guarantees the loser of the UF/Alabama game a spot in the Sugar Bowl. The time issue was just pure boneheadedness. Apparently the refs didn't hear or see him or his staff. The egg is on Les Miles face, though. How you can just assume the refs will call timeout while the clock is running out is really confusing. Anyway, Iroquois pointed out a few things on the Les Miles situation. Read that if you want a better breakdown.

(10) Ohio State beat Michigan in a boring and terrible game. Frankly, Michigan should have won had they not thrown eleventy billion INTs. The fact that Michigan even kept the game close is proof that Ohio State is not worth their ranking. The Terrelle Pryor Overrated Watch sponsored by Dr. Pepper has been raised from "Styx (the band)" to "Dan Brown (the author)." This is due to a miserable day at QB and just generally weighing down the entire Buckeye offense for an entire season.

(11) Oregon got by Arizona by the skin of their teeth in double OT. That's what Arizona fans get for jumping on to the field with time still on the clock. They leave the stands, got on the field and waited for a victory that was snatched from them thanks to Jeremiah Masoli and Ed Dickson being cool M-F-ers.

(12) Oklahoma State edged Colorado on Thursday. Losing to the Buffaloes would have been eternally embarrassing seeing as how this is OK State's only chance to actually say with validation that they are better than Oklahoma.

(13) Iowa blanked Minnesota 12-0 in a game that will be played in Guantanamo Bay as an "advanced interrogation technique" to be used on terror suspects.

(14) Penn State was locked in a 7-7 tie at the half against Michigan State. PSU then put up a 28 spot in the 3rd quarter whereas MSU didn't leave the locker room. Being a conscientious observer only works for war, Sparty.

(15) Virginia Tech brutalized North Carolina State, thus ending the Wolfpack's bowl chances. I remember at the beginning of the season that some people liked NC State's chances as an ACC dark horse. That worked out well.

Northwestern kicked (16) WisCANsin in the pants. Northwestern is quietly 8-4.

California clipped (17) Stanford in the big game. No bands were on the field this time, just disappointment for the Cardinal and Tiger Woods.

(19) Oregon State smashed Washington State and can still make it to the Rose Bowl if they beat Oregon in the Civil War game.

(20) Miami needed a late flurry to beat... Duke? Am I reading that correctly? Yes, I am.

(21) Utah destroyed San Diego State by scoring all 38 points before halftime.

(22) BYU beat Air Force and Max Hall set the BYU all time wins record. This record eclipses such giants (no sarcasm here) as Steve Young and Ty Detmer.

(23) Clemson bought their tickets to the ACC championship game to play Georgia Tech again by beating Virginia.

(24) Houston crushed Memphis with Case Keenum throwing for another 5 TDs.

(25) Rutgers beat Syracuse. Wait no, other way around. Syracuse beat Rutgers? That seems wrong, but I read it on the internet, so it must be true. OK. Syracuse over Rutgers. The biggest win of the Greg Paulus era.

The rest of everything that matters:
It took 11 weeks for FSU to get bowl eligible by beating Maryland. North Carolina shut down Boston College's offense. Texas Tech smacked Oklahoma around... is Sam Bradford that valuable? Mizzou defeated Iowa State in a game approximately 18 people cared about. Texas A&M got bowl eligible just in time (they play Texas in their last game) as they beat Baylor. Nebraska locked up the Big XII North with a win over K-State. USF downed Louisville. UConn beat Notre Dame in overtime (Charlie Weis is soooooo fired). Purdue ended it season with a win over Indiana. Army beat North Texas... they need to beat Navy to go to a bowl. UCLA clotheslined Arizona State to get to a bowl. Arkansas whooped Mississippi State. Tennessee is bowl eligible after beating Vandy (OMG LANE KIFFIN IS TEH BEST COACH EVAR!). And, finally, Georgia blew a 20-6 halftime lead to lose to Kentucky who is guaranteed to finish better than Georgia in the SEC East for the first time in a brazilian years.

Programming note

Thanksgiving week is upon us. This means overeating, oversleeping, reverting back to an undergraduate student for a weekend (for two of us) and less than ample time to sit down with you fine people.

Monday will feature at least two posts (including our almost famous CFB wrap-up), Tuesday might find two and Wednesday will have one. But posting from Thursday to Sunday will be spotty at best.

Just remember that although our blog is a floating beacon of sanity in a sea of indecency and craziness, sometimes you must go visit and be with your family (the ones who create said sea of indecency and craziness). Monday, November 30th will see us back to fully operational status.

Thanks for your support, and enjoy this video. It may be the best bit of ad-libbing you will ever see in your life.

Early Happy Thanksgiving, folks.

Some Unsolicited Advice from Me to Bill Martin (or His Successor)

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Well, I wish I could keep it a secret, but I'm afraid the metaphorical jungle cat is out of the bag. To whom the post is entitled: heed my advice. Take it down on some paper, print out this article, carve it in hieroglyphics, whatever. Record it in some form. Not only record it, but heed it. Pay attention to what is on the screen. Are you ready? Good.

Les Miles cannot coach. There, it's in the open.

In case you haven't seen it today, Less Wiles once again demonstrated his artful clock management with a 17 second burn in the 4th quarter. A little while ago, while Miles was winning the National Championship in 2007, everyone in Baton Rouge was willing to overlook his considerable list of boneheaded plays, citing that Miles was just a "risk taker" with "brass balls". Not all of his bad decisions resulted in losses, though, which is why he looked like a genius.

It's pretty easy to posit that the only reason that LSU won the 2007 BCS title was in spite, and not because, of The Hat. Nick Saban was (still is) a fantastic recruiter. Most of the key players on the LSU title team were Saban recruits: QB Matt Flynn, RB Jacob Hester, WR Early Doucet, DT Glenn Dorsey, LB Ali Highsmith, K Colt David. Miles also comes from a fertile recruiting area; he simply has to have a pulse and can pull the top Deep South talent and siphon some from TX and FL as well. Even his fanbase/radio announcers are turning on him, and when you lose your PBP guys, you know you've messed up.

Further, Miles was aided by an able staff of assistants. Jimbo Fisher, while not great, was at least adequate. Bo Pelini has proven to be a good and improving coach in Nebraska. He's made some (in my opinion) great hires in Gary Crowton and John Chavis. So, you really can't blame the underlings.

So AD Bill Martin (or whoever you hire to replace him, maybe this guy): If you want balls of steel, brains of mush, go ahead and hire Les Miles. He's probably lost his fan base and, from the disgruntled look of the normally cool Jordan Jefferson, perhaps his team too. If he isn't outright fired, I'm sure LSU fans will be more than willing to pay for his bus fare to any interview that he is granted/wants to take.

It's a shame, too. I really liked having it be a secret that Miles isn't a great coach.

Your Weekend CFB Picks for 11-20-2009

Note: Nothing in this article represents a gambling endorsement or even generally good advice.

So, it seems like Slate got caught in the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. I'm sure he'll add his picks later. The crop of games, even for some rivalry weeks is generally poor, so here goes.

(10) LSU @ Ole Miss

Slate

As one can expect with Houston Nutt, this game is shaping up to be an upset special. However, like it was with Mr. Invisible from "Mystery Men" who can only be invisible when no one looks, Houston Nutt can only pull an upset off if he no one expects him to.

Bayou Bengals over the South (who shall rise again)

Iroquois

Last year, Ole Miss finally beat LSU after a long string of losses. I don't expect that to change this year, especially if the Ole Miss offense clicked like they did last week. I tell ya, that Dexter McCluster is just a Grand Wizard with the football in his hands. Ole Miss has a Klandestinely good defense, as well. Jerrell Powe is proving why he was worth the 3.5 year wait. As the talented Sir Elton John might have once said, Saturday afternoon will be All White for Ole Miss.

Johnny Rebs over Corndoggers. (There! Now it's been codified in the Wall Street Journal!)

Annie

Tiggers.

Red

Can the fighting Shepard Smiths beat the giant corn dogs? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy a good old hate filled beat down between two schools that just don’t like each other.

Prediction: LSU over Ole Miss after Ole Miss is forced to forfeit the game for singing the From Dixie With Love and adding their favorite verse. LSU still sucks, but not as much as Ole Miss.

(13) Penn State @ Michigan State

Iroquois

Penn State will not win this game. I know that they need a win to share the Big 10 title (potentially) and an at-large BCS bid, so they've got the requisite pressure on them to make sure they stay sharp. State College, PA has also been better on the road this year (their two losses came at home). But the Spartan's offense should be able to move the ball on the PSU defense and MSU has won 4 out of the last 6 home games in this rivalry. The spread in the game (PSU -3) also indicates the linesetters think something is amiss as well.

Sparty over Paterny.

Annie

Though I hail from MSU, the Spartys have their bowl game, so they won't pull this one out

Slate

Logic = thrown out the window on I-75 at 80 mph. We won't be able to find it in this pick. All suggestions point to a Sparty obliteration party, yet this team has been harder to peg than Sarah Palin's thought process. I would like to see a Spartan uprising, but instead I see a Nittany Lion victory.

PSU over MSU

Red

BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!! And delusional Michigan fan BRAINS!!! Penn State has been BRAINS this year and everyone knows it, their BRAINS of beating Sparty are still pretty good though. Just imagine how much BRAINS!!! are inside of old Sparty and you realize that this isn’t just a football game, this is a buffet for JoePa! I’m assuming that quantity beats out quality when a zombie selects their prey, otherwise look out for PSU to start scheduling Ivy league teams. The band is on the field!

Prediction: PSU over MSU and Bobby Bowden continues to hope that the secret government plan to exterminate JoePa before the infection spreads.

Cal @ (14) Stanford

Iroquois

This is a Big Game. I was on the Stanford bandwagon last week, and now seems like a poor time to get off of it. Flying high off of two straight Top 10 victories, facing a Cal team really lacking in identity since Jahvid Best took a lickin', and riding the dark horse candidacy of Toby Gerhart for the H---man trophy, the Cardinal will let their Mike Alstott clone and frosh super-prospect Andrew Luck carry this team as far as they'll go. Jim Harbaugh seems destined for big things as a coach.

Trees over Bears.

Annie

Stanford takes another team out

Slate

Stanford is rolling. They have embarrassed two top 10 teams in succession. It wouldn't surprise me if they took this week off with the assumption that Cal is dead in the water without Hyperback jahvid Best, who is recovering from "Sudden Death Syndrome." If so, knowing that Cal's defense is not to be trifled, Stanford had better not sleep through this one. We are finally giving praise, this is not the time to dilly-dally.

Trees over the Bears

Red

Don’t look now but Stanford has been playing some really good football as of late. HEY! I told you not to look. I could make a concussion joke, or a whinny hippy douche joke but instead I’ll simply point out that no matter what the outcome of this game the Stanford students are still the winners. In fact I hear that Penn State is doing everything they can to schedule as many games against Stanford as they can in the near future, something about BRAINS!!! And you simply cannot mention this game without linking this clip.

Prediction: Stanford over Cal, which a few years ago would have been a big enough joke to not require any commentary.

FIU @ (1) UF

Ed. Note: We realize this is a pretty obvious pick. So, instead, we are picking the game and saying what would happen if FIU won.

Iroquois

Seriously, if Florida lost this game, I might just jump in front of an Amtrak train. It would be less painful than having to deal with the ribbing that would come from every fanbase. In fact, I dare say that if Florida lost, Tim Tebow would immediately transform into the White Rider and ascend to Heaven, War and Famine would get Biblical on the world, and the Pale Rider would finally descend and just end humanity's miserable lot. Of course, this all depends on your interpretation of the White Rider and whether or not he's actually a representation of the Antichrist or Christ himself, but that's a discussion best left to our sister blog, EucharistSports.

UF over FIU.

Post-Picks Soapbox

I do not wish to find myself remiss in mentioning that Ohio State plays Michigan this weekend, and I think it will actually be a pretty entertaining game. The game is being played in the Big House and all signs point to OSU leaving with a victory. That being said, it is a big rivalry game and would definitely make the Michigan fan's awful year exponentially better if they were to deny their hated rivals the Big Ten title (...I think). Most experts have this game as an OSU win by a TD. I'll go the other way and pick Michigan by a marginal amount.

Michigan over OSU.

One last thing. I haven't shaved my facial hair in nearly 3 weeks as a part of my No Shave November program for studying. Number one, it already is patchy enough as it is, but man is this stuff irritating. To those who regularly maintain some form of beard, public service mustache, or any other intricate design, you have my respect.

Annie

If FIU wins, start shining the Super Bowl trophy for the Lions.

Slate

Brother Quicksilver went to FIU for a year. He left to go to a community college when he realized how poorly organized the school was. Even though that has nothing to do with anything, that being said, FIU's football team is terrible. They are better than they used to be, but that is akin to basketball analysts calling the Clippers better because they won 30 games instead of 20. FIU's angle, almost certainly, is to play the disrespect card. But to get play that card, you must first have a reason to have any respect at all and no, this does not count. If UF were to lose, I would be willing to give up meat for 1 year. Meat is 97% of my diet... losing it would be detrimental to my health and well-being... so I feel this would be fair. If FIU wins, I will become a vegetarian for 1 year and incur all liberal hippie douche penalty points that would be levied upon me.

UF over FIU... Tebow out in the 3rd quarter

Red

I’m going to have to go with the Gators for this one, by I don’t know, a brazillian. So the editorial staff (read: unimaginative assholes that run this blog) want me to tell you readers what I would do if the Gators lost this game. So I can say without hyperbole or exaggeration that if UF lost this game I would do the sickest, most depraved and disgusting thing I can think of (and that we can post on this website without putting up a warning no children under 18 sign). I would get a tattoo of the FIU panther on my forehead, making it look as if the Panther’s nads are in fact giving me a tea bag and then buy season tickets to FIU where I would chant “Balls out for FIU!” over and over and over. Luckily FIU has a better chance of finding a cure for AIDS on their bus ride up to Gainesville then beating UF in a football game so I won’t have to get a tattoo of the FIU panther on my head.

Prediction: UF over FIU and we don’t see Tebow in the fourth quarter.

RIP Good Friend

by Slate Quicksilver

UGA VII died today. He was 4 years old. Most will remember the good times: sniffing his own ass, licking his privates and being overwhelmed by 90,000 people yelling and screaming giving off all kinds of smells without having a stroke. The official dog of PLS and the Quicksilver Clan, Link Valhalla Quicksilver, would almost certainly have gone apoplectic several times over if put in any of the Uga's paws. It can almost unanimously be agreed upon that inbreeding with his own kind is what caused his ability to ignore said 90,000 people.

He was, as his owners said, a good dog.

Georgia fans will be excused if they leave out of his biography his record against true rival Florida where he was 1-3. He was outscored 142 to 83.

The search for UGA VIII has been whittled down to Sammy the Bulldog, Markie the Bulldog and Mark May.

Sports Smörgåsbord for November 19th, 2009

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

MLB - It's the MLB awards season. So far, Chris Coghlan and Drew Bailey won the ROYs, Zack Greinke and Tim Lincecum won the Cy Youngs, and Jim Tracy and Mike Scioscia won the Managers of the Year. Hard to argue with most of these choices. Your humble writer has had the privilege of seeing Greinke pitch in his high school days (he was stellar then, too) and was pretty saddened when Greinke had to leave baseball for Social Anxiety Disorder (by the way, what kind of coincidence and irony is it that the disorder can be abbreved SAD?). Seems like he's done well for himself. The only other award I truly had a slight quibble with was Coghlan over Andrew McCutcheon for NL ROY, but maybe that's because I owned McCutcheon as a fantasy player and that he was also a former UF signee.

NBA - Good God, are the Atlanta Hawks for serial? When was the last time you uttered that, or even thought that? I know that I personally have not believed that since the Hawks employed Dominique Wilkins and they had the Pac-Man esque logo. Seriously, I look at that thing now, and it's still unclear how it's a bird. I stare at the outline for hours and I st....OHHH. There it is. Took me long enough.

NFL - Speaking of legit, look at the Bengals! Sweeping the AFC North like they're a good franchise. What is really interesting, though, is this year they might have 3 teams make the playoffs. This isn't anything novel; hell, we saw it last year in the NFC South around this time (Tampa, Carolina, Atlanta), but it is something to keep an eye on. The Ravens look like they have the worst chance, but you can't really discount Flacco and Ray Rice just yet. Speaking of Ray Rice, I am pleasantly surprised with how well he has done in the NFL. I thought Rutgers ran those tires bald. Good for him. Stacy will send him his congratulatory fruit basket posthaste!

The NHL gets trumped this week.

FIFA - Some here at PLS really like soccer. I probably follow the usual American trend of getting really into it at the time of the World Cup and resolving to follow the EPL until the next day when I simply don't. Anyhow, much ado is being made about Thierry Henry's handball that saved the French yesterday. I can understand the Irish manager's (is that the proper term of art here?) reaction, but what was Henry supposed to do? This isn't golf, where Will Smith plays a stereotypical Southern black individual and reminds us that, in golf, we call the penalties on ourselves. It's vaguely reminiscent of Diego Maradona's infamous "Hand of God" that didn't get called, but it's really not Henry's job to call the penalty on himself. I think these two quotes, most of all, sum up the ridiculousness of the situation.

"Our minister of sport will write to FIFA...and look for a re-match."

- Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen

"Neither the French government nor the Irish government should interfere in the functioning of the international federation."

- French PM Francois Fillon

I'm nearly positive the world has bigger issues to work out than the hand of one very clean shaven footballer.

Making Sense of Your Wreckage Part 1

by Slate Quicksilver

The college season is almost over, sadly. For some, there is still another month and a half filled with late season in-conference bouts, conference championships, bowl prep and the actual bowl itself. But for a good deal of teams, the season ends shortly. At a time of such darkness, sometimes it is an outside source that lends the sense to a program racked with nonsense filled times. Thus, I begin a new series highlighting teams that were colossal failures this year, and I will try to make a bit of sense. As usual, biases and pre-conceived notions are in play.

This week's team to try to explain: The University of Michigan.

One may think: "Slate, why give such an arrogant fanbase..." any levity or credence at all, "let them burn in their own fumes of unspent self-satisfaction!" Well friend, it's an inner fear. It's proof to all people who are in a fanbase of a big time program. If Michigan can fall, anyone can fall.

Granted, it was their own hubris that did it. They fired a legendary coach, impulsively, after a few bad losses. Oh wait, sorry, he "resigned." But it wasn't just that. They also snubbed several potentially great candidates (Brian Kelly @ Cincy, Jim Harbaugh @ Stanford and Les Miles @ LSU) and then "settled" with a gentleman who had never gone undefeated even in the thin and fluffy Big East. That gentleman was the same one who would steadfastly eliminate several long standing team traditions and move his highly specified offense without shifting at all to an offense who was as prepared and equipped to run his offense as an army of kittens armed only with cuteness would be to invade North Korea.

Well, after a full year and some solid recruiting, Rich Rodriguez actually looked smart. Michigan was 4-0 and some Michigan fans even considered Rose Bowl tickets. But here we are in mid-late November and since then, Michigan has won exact;y 1 game since. That win? Against powerhouse Delaware State... a D2 team.

So what went wrong?

Problem #1: Youth
The Youth didn't really grow up for the Wolverines. The trial by fire didn't work well. Tate Forcier started off well but has shrunk to a husk of a human being. He now looks timid and has happy feet on the scale of Tim Couch. The other QB, Denard Robinson, who made that amazing run in week 1? He'll probably be a slot WR or a safety next year. Basically, the youth never got their stuff together.

Problem #2: Cupcake scheduling
Michigan had its first FOUR games scheduled at home. Their schedule: Western Michigan, Notre Dame, Eastern Michigan and Indiana. Western is a big fish in the MAC vernal pond, Notre Dame is LOLZORZ bad, Eastern Michigan probably will not win a game this year and Indiana is better than most will admit but is nowhere near "good." So the second this young left the friendly confines of Ann Arbor, they got walloped. Michigan State crushed them for 55 minutes and Iowa spanked them for 58 minutes. They were close games thanks to late rallies, but those close losses clearly hurt the youngsters. They beat Delaware State, but then began their current four game slide in which they give up the butt on a major league scale.

Problem #3: Rich Rodriguez's Spread Offense
There is something inherent about his version of the spread. He wants to run as many plays as humanly possible as quickly as possible. That is a TERRIBLE idea in the Big Ten because most teams play a ball control offense. All that is required is to not let them score because you basically are given the clock battle on a silver platter. Go back to West Virginia with RR... they would either blow a team out or lose a close shootout. And that was when he had a defense, which leads us to...

Problem #4: Greg Robinson
Someday someone will be able to clearly explain why Greg Robinson is the defensive coordinator on this team. Robinson, as head coach, buried Syracuse in the core of the earth. He was 10-37 as a head coach. Worse still, of all people in the world who should know how bad he is at defense, it is Rich Rodriguez. RR at WVU vs. Greg Robinson's Syracuse squads: 111-38 in 3 meetings! Again, why is this guy defensive coordinator? Michigan's defense is always tired thanks to their team averaging only 26:22 minutes of possession each game. So let's review: The defense is always on the field and they have a terrible coordinator. That sounds like a recipe for success to me!

24 hours of...

by Slate Quicksilver

ESPN has been showing 24 straight hours of college basketball on their network to celebrate the "opening" of a new season of the sport. Of course, the season started a while ago and some teams lost in that "fake" part of the season that apparently did not exist. Feel bad for Monmouth University who woke up this morning to play at 6 A.M. because ESPN said do it or you won't be on TV this year. Oh, and they lost.

Anyway, this site will have a caring interest in this sport, but we are of thought that this is still football season. Football season is king right now and when it comes to basketball, we can't be bothered unless it is a big matchup. Right now, most teams are devouring cupcakes from Eastern Northwest Southern State Technical Agriculture Colleges/Automotive Technical Repair Repositories. Granted, some teams actually have tough schedules before January 1. However most of those are the juggernauts (North Carolina, Duke, Kansas, Michigan State...).

Anyway, we hear at PLS thank ESPN for reminding us of the other season. However we could not think of this without thinking about the failed ideas that could have been shown on 24 hour-loop.

Here are a few that were bounced around in the Quicksilver household:
24 Hour coverage of...
The Scrabble World Championships
Replay of Louisville-Syracuse from 11/14/2009 that resulted in a 10-9 Loovil victory
Regional Speed Reading Trials
MTV Real World vs. Road Rules Marathon (wait... I'm sure this has already done before because MTV assumes that their average viewer has the intelligence of a cement mixer. And they assume correctly)
County Level Spelling Bee Mosaic
WNBA Preseason Marathon
CSPAN Debate-off
Paint Brand Drying Speed Runs
A Jar of Mayonnaise
Collection of Nicholas Cage's last 12 movies
Ben Stein Reads Sun Tzu's "War and Peace" in front of a White Wall

Your NBA Status Report Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales

This is the first in an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Greetings, folks. I'm pleased to be able to bring you my unique perspective on the NBA via my friends at PLS. I know what you're thinking. What in the world, you may ask, does an active coach benefit by sharing his perspective with the general public, especially when I've got a job to do that requires me keeping my opinions to myself? Well, I'm not exactly known for being Johnny Tightlips when it comes to my opinions on current affairs. That being said, let's jump into the meat of the article.

I have a special deal for you today! I've got a legendary roadster that don't take no guff from nobody. I'm pushing the Wagon Queen Family Truckster for a lowly $2000. That's it, folks. What's that? You don't like the Wagon Queen now? Well, wait 'till you drive her! Why bring up the Wagon Queen? We'll be looking at some names with some debilitating flaws, mostly injury related.

Chris Paul, PG, NOR - I cannot emphasize how much CP3 reminds me of the ol' Queen. He runs like a thoroughbred when he's in the open court and is one of the top 5 players in today's game, easily, just like the Queen on the open road. Those ankles are pretty bothersome, though. You take just the slightest bump on the Queen and the engine will rattle. Same thing with CP3. Those ankles have been a problem for the last couple of seasons. It's such a shame; I really like watchin' this kid work.

Josh Howard, SF, DAL - He's got the same deal as ol' CP3, except his is worse. Two surgeries on the same ankle within 6 months. Rough deal, man. Say, did I ever mention how safe the Wagon Queen will make ya feel? It has gen-u-ine airbags, made of the highest quality Hefty bags.

Kevin Martin, SG, SAC - Ouch, baby! Bad wrists are no laughing matter, even for driving! A real dynamic scorer, this one. He's a rising star in the league, a guy who does a little bit of everything and a LOT of scoring. Double-doubles from the SG position are nothing to be scoffed at, just like the Queen when she's roaring down your Main Street. A vehicle that demands respect from even the lowliest of families (or in Sacto's case, teams).

Yao Ming, C, HOU - Of course, we already knew about this one. Sometimes, your Wagon Queen Family Truckster just comes with a bad axle or chassis. Being 7'7", sometimes your chassis just can't handle the strain you put on it. At least it isn't as career threatening as we once thought, just like that class action suit for design defects didn't kill off the Wagon Queen line. This baby's gonna be my best seller for YEARS to come! YEARS!

That's it, folks, for this time. Thanks to PLS for allowing me the opportunity to talk about roundball AND to promote my side business. Remember, at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. If you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAYYY too much. I want to make you a DEAL on an au-to-mo-BILE.

Final Word for College Football Week 11

A few close calls for the big teams, but a sunny week in the land of college football. Unless, of course, you go to USC where it is a severe weather warning with a tornado watch and 45+ mph sustained winds.

(1) Florida was two fingertip drops in the endzone from Riley Cooper (and 3 missed FGs) from making their win over South Carolina a blowout. What the haters will take away is another "close" win for the Gators who are supposedly fatally flawed on offense while the fans of the Gators will see this as a defensive pillaging. Yes, the Cocks put up 14 points in the first half, but the second half was a complete unplugging of the Carolina offense. 31 TOTAL yards given up to a Steve Spurrier offense. I had never seen Captain Spurrier look as depressed as he did after Garcia's game clinched INT.

(2) Alabama made short work of Mississippi State. 'Bama kind of stumbled out of the gate but the sound of inevitability drowned out even the loudest of cowbells in Starkville (how are those not illegal?). In the end, Mark Ingram went for 149 yards on only 19 carries. Though I don't see the Heisman in his future, I do see an explosive NFL career.

At halftime (3) Texas was up 40-0 at Baylor. Though this is no shock to anyone in the Western Hemisphere, it should be pointed out that Texas doesn't even have to try for the rest of the season to get to the national championship game. It begs the question "Will Colt McCoy be benched to keep him healthy?" The reason this is worth asking is because he is in the Heisman hunt. It would be terrible to see him hurt against Texas A&M in a game they will win by 70 with or without him.

(4) TCU jacked up (16) Utah. This game was never close as the freshman QB for Utah looked scared and bad all day. After a talk with Iroquois, we can almost guarantee TCU in the Sugar Bowl against the loser of the UF/Alabama game.

On Friday, (5) Cincinnati dodged West Virginia's upset bid. Really, WVU scored late to make this closer, but they halted Cincy's offense in an efficient manner. Cincinnati now has Pitt left (with Illinois before them) in the de-facto Big East Championship. That game will be the first game in the Big East with any meaning without a team named West Virginia, Miami or Virginia Tech in about 20 years (or so).

The Rest of the Top 25:

(6) Boise State ripped in state rival Idaho apart. They put up 42 in the first half alone and after a talk with Iroquois can guarantee a Fiesta Bowl bid against either an ACC or Big East team.

(7) Georgia Tech started slow, but eventually overwhelmed Duke. ACC Coastal champs for the Jackets... perhaps a rematch with Clemson?

(8) LSU got all they could handle with Louisiana Tech. La Tech last week held Boise State close but lost and this week went into the 4th quarter down 17-13... props to them.

Stanford (as a staffer on this humble site said they would) beat (9) USC in the Coliseum. No, they didn't just "beat" them, they ruined USC. Absolutely ruined them. 55-21 is the most points USC has given up at home since 1966 and the worst home loss since then as well.

(11) Ohio State beat (10) Iowa in overtime. In OT, Iowa had the ball first. 3 plays later it was 4th and 26 and Iowa out of FG range. The Terrelle Pryor Overrated Watch Sponsored by Matthew McConaughey's Acting Career will remain at "Styx" (the band). It will not be upgraded thanks to play that could only be described as "50% percentile."

(12) Pittsburgh may have landed the deathblow to Charlie Weis's tenure at Notre Dame. They almost blew it and a questionable fumble call sealed it, but the Wannstache finally won a big game that they NEEDED to win.

(13) Oregon decimated Arizona State's defense all day to lead to a large victory. Barring a loss on the way out to Oregon State, Oregon is probably smelling roses and Ohio State.

North Carolina handed (14) Miami a loss for the second year in a row in this year's installment of the Butch Davis Bowl. Four INTs of Jacory Harris was the clincher.

UCF ended (15) Houston's almost-fantasy season in Orlando, the city of fantasies and talking mice. Case Keenum still put up large numbers but had 3 INTs.

California nipped (17) which effectively ended Arizona's dark horse bid for the Rose Bowl.

(18) Penn State was the victim of another Indiana blown lead.

(19) Oklahoma State had a shockingly low scoring win over Texas Tech. At the beginning of the season, one with knowledge of these teams would have predicted that it would have been raining points in Stillwater. Yet it was a 24-17 win for the Cowboys.

(20) WisCANsin was the first to officially say good night to Michigan's bowl chances this year. Michigan needs a win against Ohio State to get bowl eligible... which won't happen.

(21) Virginia Tech obliterated Maryland who is just plain awful.

(22) BYU had a bit of a scare against winless New Mexico. 24-19 was about 50 points closer than most expected this game to go.

(23) Oregon State killed Washington's bowl hopes with a resounding victory in Corvallis. The Beavers are still in the Rose Bowl hunt and it requires a win over Oregon in the upcoming Civil War.

Rutgers forced (24) USF into playing one of the worst games of offensive football in recent years.

The rest of what matters:
The CJ Spiller show continued as Clemson smoked NC State. Florida State beat Wake Forest to stay bowl eligible. Boston College beat Virginia in a sleeper. Mizzou beat Kansas State to muddy the Big XII North picture even more. Iowa State is now bowl eligible after nudging Colorado. Nebraska's defense made it clear that they are back in a shut down of Kansas. Oklahoma's offense showed up 2 months late in a crushing of Texas A&M. Louisville beat Syracuse in a game that set offensive football back 86 years. Minnesota edged South Dakota State proving once and for all that South Dakota does, in fact, have schools. Northwestern survived a late flurry by Illinois. Michigan State won a shootout over Purdue to get bowl eligible. UCLA flattened Washington State... but that's kind of the style these days. Dexter McCluster went bananas against the recently armed and dangerous Tennessee defense for an Ole Miss win. Kentucky = Bowl Eligible... Vandy = terrible. Georgia snuck by Auburn. Finally, Arkansas routed Troy.

Your Weekend Picks 11/13/2009

(Insert thing lame joke about it being Friday the 13th and how some teams may get killed off this weekend).

(15) Iowa @ (11) Ohio State
Iroquois:
With QB and lucky charm Ricky Stanzi out for the year, the clock has struck 1 AM on Iowa's dream season run. Were it not for us officious intermeddlers, it may have ended weeks ago. I might have had more faith if Iowa was at home, but alas, they are not. And that's all she wrote.

OSU over Corn.

Slate:
If this game were in Ohio State, I probably would have grown a pair and picked Iowa. The logic behind that is that it is Ohio State and their offense is as impotent as a Kazakhstani uranium miner and they usually lose an in-conference home game this time of year. Yet, a young inexperienced QB in the madhouse in Columbus could never win. Despite all of the obvious logic pointing in one direction, I'll take the other.

OSU over Corn.

(25) Stanford @ (11) USC
Iroquois:
I'm not buying an automatic USC win, despite their history of great success in November (undefeated under Petey Pie). Sure, Stanford had to expend a great majority of their energy and probably a lot of their reserve energy in keeping up with the Quack Pack last week. Sure, USC has a better defense than most Stanford has faced this year, led by Everson Griffen and Nick Perry and the perennially overrated Taylor Mays (NOT A SAFETY AT THE NEXT LEVEL. HE CANNOT EVEN COVER WIDE RECEIVERS AT THIS LEVEL. THERE'S A REASON HE ALWAYS GETS STUCK IN THE CENTER FIELD POSITION AND HAS TO CHEAT TO LATERALLY COVER. IT'S BECAUSE HE'S A LINEBACKER.)

I am drinking the Stanford Kool-Aid this week. In fact, for those curious about my identity, here's an action shot of me drinking some Stanford drink. USC will be pretty one-dimensional on offense this week without pass-catchers Damian Williams and whoever their pass-catching TE is. As long as Stanford can play some ball-control and use Gerhart's physical running style to wear down the clock and USC run defense,I think they eke out the victory.

Stanford over USC.

Slate:
Last time Stanford went to the LA Coliseum, they pulled off an upset of epic proportions. LOLZORZ and ROFL-copters were thrown all over the college football landscape in USC's general direction because they finally lost AT HOME to an in-conference team.

This time, Stanford is far improved and USC is not the universe destroyer they once were. A loss for USC would perhaps be the end of the of the halcyon days of complete brutalilty against their opponents 12 out of 13 games a year. A win for Stanford would put Palo Alto back on the football map and validate their hiring of Jim Harbaugh, who promised a resurgance of the Trees. Stanford's gritty/gamer/hard worker/TRUE football player/all around tough guy Toby Gerhart might be able to get some traction against the USC defense which is clearly not the immovable object of previous campaigns. Yet even with a hampered offense, ol' Pete has never lost in November and this will not become the start of that trend.

USC over Stanford


(16) Utah @ (4) TCU
Iroquois:
Utah present meets Utah past. TCU simply has too much on both sides of the ball and the best shot of going undefeated (more on that below).

TCU over Da Utes.

Slate:
Simple fact, Utah has a frosh at QB. TCU has a spectacular defense. This will not end well for the Utes. TCU will continue its march towards undefeatedness.

TCU over Da Utes.

(1) UF @ South Carolina
Iroquois:
Look for Florida to hopefully utilize the vertical passing game to give SCAR something to think about. Since both UF and Bama have punched their championship game tickets, I expect every game from here on out for both teams to be tune-ups and exercises in experimentation for new offensive wrinkles.

UF over SCAR.

Slate:
Last year, Florida set South Carolina on fire in the first quarter and didn't put them out until the lifeless charred remains were glowing orange embers. But last year, UF's offense obliterated all in their way. This year, the offense is far more humanitarian in its efforts. Florida, in an attempt to make some new wrinkles may try something new here and there. But Spurrier is not a man to be trifled with. Upset COULD happen, but probably will not.

UF over SCAR.

Notre Dame @ (8) Pitt

Iroquois:
I continually remain far less skeptical of the Wannstache than most here at PLS. I can't quite tell if it's the recent hire of Frank Cignetti as OCoord or if Dion Lewis is just that good, but whatever the case may be, Bill Stull, Lewis, and Jonathan Baldwin (an IP favorite) have led the way for a much improved Pitt offense.

Of course, we all know the story on Cheeseburger Chuck and his Irish. (No, that wasn't a fat joke, I swear.) Not even the worst Notre Dame coaches in previous years lost to Navy twice in a row. Granted, Navy was a lot worse then and perhaps Navy just had the decided schematic advantage, as Cheeseburger so famously crooned upon his ascension to Head Coach. Put succintly, if last week's lost to Navy didn't do it and the buyout isn't a huge obstance (rumors have it above his annual salary by a considerable margin), a loss this week firmly takes Cheeseburger from Head Coach to Home Couch.

Pitt over ND.

Post-Pick Soapbox

This one will be quick. Once again, I really have nothing to base this on, and maybe its just the Friday the 13th talking, but Boise State will lose this Saturday to Idaho and make a very interesting battle between Al Golden of Temple and Robb Akey of Idaho for Coach of the Year. It's entirely likely that Boise comes out firing because they're angry at themselves for lapsing against La Tech. Maybe, though, juuuust maybe the Football Gods are not ones with which to be trifled and Boise's PR firm idea for BCS promotion was putting the cart before the horse in assuming an undefeated season.

Idaho over Boise.

Slate:
Iroquois seems rather smitten with the Wannstache. There is some reason to this idea. Bill Stull is now a competent QB and the Pitt defense is better than usual. But my good friend forgets that he the Wannstache is Dave Wannstedt. The same man who clearly spends more time feathering his hair than analyzing game schemes. He ALWAYS loses games he should win. Bowling Green last year? North Carolina State this year? Virginia 2 years ago?

This guy always screws up that which is good. The Dolphins, when he coached them, blew playoff tickets in 2003 by losing the last two games despite having 4th quarter leads. If there is a man who can blow something as quickly and seamlessly as Dave Wannstedt, I don't want to meet him.

On the other hand we have frontbutt, Charlie Weis. I'll wager a coke that he pulls this off. Why? Because he is a cockroach and will not go away. He will fight his firing with every breath and kill his program even more as he does.

Notre Dame over Pitt

One Easy Test for Determining Whether Your Coach Should Keep His Job

By Red Herring

There are several college coaches on the hot seat right now. Bobby Bowden and Charlie Weis are the first to come to mind. But what does it take for a coach to go from embattled leader to unemployed millionaire? I have developed one simple litmus test for determining whether or not any college program should retain their head coach. Simply put, if your rivals want you to keep your coach then you absolutely, positively must fire that man. A case study might be enlightening, we need only to look to Phillip Fulmer, or Phat Phil as he was lovingly called by his former players (oh please let this be true). At the end of his time at Rocky Top every single one of Tennessee’s rivals wanted only one thing, for Tennessee to retain the services of Mr. Fulmer. Why? Because he couldn’t beat anyone, no one was worried about facing Tennessee. Simply put, he sucked so hard at every aspect of the game that people who hated Tennessee wanted him to remain there for the next 20 years.

So here is Red Herring’s rule of thumb, if your rivals want your coach to stay you must immediately fire that coach. I don’t care if he has been there for 10 years. I don’t care if he has won a national championship. I don’t care if he is a few hours away from curing cancer and developing a diet soda that actually tastes good. You must fire him immediately and then hire, Charlie Strong.

The Race to the Bottom: Handicapping the NFL's #1 Pick

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Possibly more intriguing than the race to the NFL Championship (after all, who likes rooting for winners?) is the race to the bottom in a draft without the super-marketable name. With the exception of Red, your PLS staffers cheer for separate teams who, for lack of a better term, stink (although one of them has made a fortuitous turnaround ever since they switched back to the defense for which they possessed the personnel). With that in mind, let's take a gander at the Race for the Bottom and, if they win, which (projected) member of the draft should be taken, in this observer's view.

Detroit Lions - Fresh off of their winless season, the Lions proceeded to take Matthew Stafford. Having watched Mr. Stafford for many years, it is this author's opinion that Stafford is the $1M arm/$1 head mold that has plagued such highly regarded QBs in the past. At least with Stafford, you know what you're going to get: about a 55% completion rate, 2:1 TD/INT ratio, and about 3500 yards. If you can live with that, great. Know, however, that Stafford makes knuckleheaded decisions on the reg, and at times, it doesn't seem like he cares. At least his taste in women improved since he went to the NFL. (I can't for the life of me find them, but he got photographed with some not-so-great women at UGA. Having visited UGA, I saw multiple better options in one bar alone, and I wasn't the starting QB.)

The Lions have some decent offensive talent and would likely look to shore up the line. Assuming they get the #1 pick, I would think they target Ndamukong Suh.

Odds of #1 pick: 3:1

St. Louis Rams - You know you're teams in deep trouble when it turns to Kyle Boller for a while. The Jeff Tedford QB lineage has produced some truly horrendous QB play: Akili Smith, John Joseph Harrington (both of whom were picked third overall), Boller, AJ Feeley, and Trent Dilfer (at least he won a Super Bowl!). The jury's still out on Aaron Rodgers, who is a monster fantasy football force and a decent enough QB in the league as well, but I'm more inclined to say that Rodgers is the Good Ship Lollipop in the vast Sea of Tedford Failure. It seems more to me that Tedford can coach QBs up to the collegiate ceiling, make them look good enough to get drafted, and get them set for life with an NFL contract.

Ironically, after a discussion of awful QBs, the Rams will likely look to a QB themselves in the draft, though I think their projected pick of Sam Bradford could certainly do better than all of the above jokers combined.

Odds of #1 pick: 5:1 (it increased drastically after that stinkbomb of a performance that Cutler threw up, pun and visual imagery intended, last night)

Cleveland Browns - The real key to this Race to the Bottom is the Browns. They have a couple of upcoming Futility Bowls (@DET, @KC, OAK), which could easily go in favor of any of the teams playing. If Cleveland rattles off three wins there, look out! A "We can build on this!" season awaits! If they lose, however, they're almost surely the RttB winner, as their remaining schedule is quite ghastly.

If Cleveland wins, like most folks think, I would expect them to, honestly, swap the pick lower. That's not really the point of this column, so I'll go out on a limb and have them take the premier play-maker in the highest parts of the draft: Eric Berry, aka the New Ed Reed.

Odds of #1 pick: 1.5:1

Kansas City Chiefs - I don't except them to actually contend for the #1 pick. Arrowhead Stadium is still a tough place to play in December, and (not surprisingly) they have a couple of games they can win there (BUF, CLE) and a game that will probably be somewhat hotly contested (DEN). Therefore, I will save the space on the chart.

Should the improbably happen, KC should roll with Russell Okung, get a fairly local product and the OL solidifed, or Eric Berry.

Odds of #1 pick: 20:1

Oakland Raiders: Amazing that they already have two (!) wins. Since they face CLE in one of those aforementioned Futility Bowls, three wins will likely be too much to keep them from the #1 pick. Too bad. I was really waiting to see how badly Al Davis would mess this up.

I think this may be my favorite projection, because I could put anyone down, and most folks would be likely to believe me. Like CLE, I would expect Oakland to trade down and perhaps go after Joe Haden. Assuming that doesn't happen, Al Davis shocks the world and chooses this guy #1 overall. Just saying.

Odds of #1 pick: 10:1

Tampa Bay Bucs: All snide criticism aside, Tampa has a pretty brutal schedule from here on out. They face the Saints twice, Atlanta twice, the Jets (a Rex Ryan defense against a rookie QB and another very inexperienced, though mobile, QB? Count me in!), and travel @SEA in the winter. That's rough for a team whose highlight has been offensive futility. As someone who has previously been vocal about his dislike of Josh Freeman, there is at least a little to like about the future of the team, though I would strongly caution that Freeman's game last week was likely a mirage and provides quite a bit of false hope. He was given multiple short fields and his defense/ST scored twice for him. Not counting on those fortuitous instances here on out, Tampa would have lost the game by (at least) 4, and would have actually made Freeman's numbers look better, while keeping public perception of the team the same.

TB actually has the second best odds of making the #1 overall pick, and I'm fairly certain they'd look for a Defensive Lineman. Ndamukong Suh would be the favorite, but in order to throw another name into the column, why not Carlos Dunlap? He is a big, powerful DE who would pair great next to or opposite Roy Miller at DT, who is serviceable and would likely be made better next to a talented DE.

Odds of #1 pick: 2:1

Baseball Hot Stove Predictions

ESPN, namely sportscenter and Baseball Tonight, has taken the appropriate amount of time for baseball to breathe (8 days) and is now ready for next season to begin. Obviously, ESPN took the market of "downtime" between seasons in a sport and is now exploiting it because there is a slight market for it. This is nothing new. NFL Live started rolling year round not last year, but in the 2007 offseason. Who, you may ask, is going to watch NFL Live in early June? Though I don't have an answer for this, I know there must be someone simply because ESPN continued/continues to show these shows even when the anchor/reporters have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to talk about. The only logical answer is that ESPN has a contract to show these sports even in their down times, but logic usual defies even itself at the world wide leader.

Anyway, PLS has talked to some baseball sources and has a few predictions for the offseason.

Jermaine Dye is sick of everything in the southside of Chicago, so he's going to either Boston or St. Louis

Matt Holliday is too expensive for St. Louis, so you just know he is going to a big spender. Holliday will be playing for the Cubs next year... because that's how irony works.

John Lackey is the only pitcher worth a damn this year, so he'll go to... spins a wheel... the Montgomery Biscuits.

Adrian Gonzalez is sooooo gone with respect to San Diego. So gone, in fact, that he is quitting baseball to open a candy store in La Cruces, New Mexico.

The Florida Marlins, sick of having to pay players such vast wages as "1,000,000" dollars to legitimate players who deserve far more on a real market, say "fuck it" and outsource their team to India except Hanley Ramirez. They will become the Bangalore Cows and finish 4 games above .500 and 15 games above the Mets.

Speaking of the Mets, who were devastated by this past World Series happening (they get to hear it from Yankees and Phillies fans), finally crack and spend 8 billion dollars to develop a time machine, go back to the 1927, and steal the '27 New York Yankees Murderer's Row team which some consider is the best team of all. They will finish 74-88 due to a less than stellar bullpen and injuries.

SEC Technology Timeline

by Slate Quicksilver

In light of this news, my rage and anger and general "rabble rousing" capabilities have been slightly stymied. Don't get me wrong, most refs in football these days miss approximately 90% of holding calls, 95% of offensive downfield holding and almost never call the horse collar rule implemented a few years ago. College football refs, simply due to there being more games by volume, take far more flak than pro refs (unless your name is Ed Hochuli). But the SEC refs thsi year have been brutal. That news slightly makes things almost better, but in a multi-billion entity... you'd think you could hook up the likes of Jordan-Hare Stadium or Sanford Stadium with a 37 inch Vizio and spring for the extra 10 bucks for the HD package.

Due to this the crack squad here at PLS went into the history of SEC refs and found out the technological advancements, merits and wheelins' and dealins' of this mercurial group perhaps to shed light on why they are behind the times.

1932: SEC is founded
1935: Referees are finally introduced to the league after several maimings
1937: Referees are finally given outfits to identify differently than players and coaches
1940: Referees are given whistles to stop plays instead of just yelling really loud
1941: Referees reluctantly start using the whistles
1945: SEC refs botch the initial Nuremberg Trials by ruling that Goering and Goebbels were "already down"
1953: Referees who require corrective lenses start using them despite regular taunting by other refs, fans and players
1953: Referees who require corrective lenses all either resign or take their secret to the grave
1958 - 1982: Bear Bryant holds league and refs at his will
1963: Replay invented by CBS for the Army-Navy game... a nation thinks Roger Staubach scored two identical TDs in 25 seconds real time until explained otherwise
1965: Jim Jeffs becomes the first SEC ref to own a television. He reportedly used it twice.
1965: Referees start using cars to come to games rather than walking
1967: After missing a holding call against Alabama in the Auburn-Alabama game that lead to the game winning run, SEC refs are cited as the primary reason Cyprus declared independence from Greece.
1974: SEC refs agree that Nixon should have been pardoned
1978: SEC refs win Emmy for "Best Comedy Series"
1981: Referees start using "digital watches" instead of "difference between the current location and the zenith angle of the sun" to time games
1985: 80s megabands Tears for Fears and Men at Work collaborate on an album which donated its earnings to SEC refs whose houses were burned down by those with better vision/judgement
1992: LASIK eye surgery promises to fix vision for anyone with any type of vision loss
1992: SEC referees begin boycott LASIK eye surgery that lasts even today
1995: SEC refs vow to: "do better about the game and stuff"
1995: SEC refs give up on previous claim 3 minutes into the first game of the season
1999: US military looks into sending a cruise missile strike to the location of that which is causing the most pain to Americans collectively. They cannot find a centralized location for the SEC refs
2003: Swindle in the Swamp... the worst officiating of all time forever and ever (note that there is no youtube video for this game AT ALL) [Note from Iroquois: SitS was, unfortunately, not the fault of the SEC Refs. That officiating crew was Jack Childress and ACC Refs, who to this day are not allowed to referee games at BHGS.]
2006: Instant replay instituted in college football
2008: SEC refs finally understand that instant replay meant that they have to actually make a ruling on the play rather than just watch the instant replay
2009: Blood rains from the sky as SEC refs miss terrible game changing calls all year and it revealed they don't even use big screen HDTVs to review plays
2012: SEC refs get HDTVs in the booth
2012: Mayan Apocalypse kills everyone on Earth

Fixing your team's offense: College Edition

by Slate Quicksilver

We here at potlucksports make no bones about it, we are fans of a particular team located in North Central Florida in Alachua County located specifically at 29°39′55″N 82°20′10″W. Three of our staff were born, raised and educated as Gators. As most fans, we feel passionately about our team. This year has been a great year. We are 9-0, #1 in the country/BCS and we feature a defense that is so cold blooded that makes Jules Winnfield bow his head in respect. Yet the offense is less than stellar. This is point of contention, understand, and here is one person's list of recommendations to fix it.

Recommendation #1:
Tebow up the middle does NOT fool anyone anymore. People in Botswana know that if it is a short yardage situation, Tebow will be running up the middle in some variation. If Vanderbilt can stop you several times because they KNEW that play was coming, then let's assume that South Carolina, Florida State and especially Alabama will know it is coming and will stop it EVERY SINGLE TIME. All it takes is 2 of the D-Lineman to just fall down and create a traffic jam stopping him before he can go anywhere. It's not like you need a degree in advanced astrophysics to figure this out. Look, once in a while it is a smart and solid play. Tebow won't fumble the ball unless he is blasted with a shotgun full of rock salt or is concussed (Mickey Andrews will still be the DC at FSU... so this is not an implausible situation). That's cool. But our offense running the natural option on those plays... or a quick slant or out pattern would be lethal against a defense sitting and waiting for the run up the middle. So why not try it!?!?

Recommendation #2:
Remember this guy? Deonte Thompson? #6 in your program? We recruited him for speed. SO WHY AREN'T WE USING IT!?!?! He is faster than anyone covering him. No, he is not Percy Harvin who can stop on a dime, change direction and then not lose any speed. Harvin defied the law of conservation of energy... Thompson cannot. Yet, Deonte can burn any CB or S on him... so throw it deep! And not just deep, throw it mid-range as well. 10 yard corner routes, 15 yard square ins. Dan Mullen didn't steal the passing game part of the playbook on his way out the door, did he? Thompson will burn his defenders and become a legit deep threat if we just give it a try.

Recommendation #3:
Our offense is as conservative as this guy. In the many variations on the spread, on a scale from Nancy Pelosi to Bill Krystol, UF is Rush Limbaugh (ultra conservative), Texas Tech is John Kerry (ultra liberal), Michigan is Dennis Kucinich (extremely liberal but also ineffective), and Oregon is Barack Obama (more moderate than the republicans think and less liberal than the democrats want him to be but still a powerful force). UF needs to open the playbook, particularly in the redzone, to shake this problem. I love throwing to Aaron Hernandez too, but the TE screen is meant to be run maybe once a game. We need to throw the ball longer than 15 yards more than 3 or 4 times a game. I have routinely screamed at the TV that there are 9 men in the box EVEN THOUGH WE HAD 3 WRs ON THE FIELD!!!!!!!! Just open the playbook. That's all. We don't want to go back to spinner wheel from 2007 that picked which play we would use from a list of 4 plays. That was very true and very embarrassing.

Recommendation #4:
Hey, offensive line! Yeah, you guys. The big guys. Protect this guy. He is your quarterback, the offense revolves around him. Maybe he owes you money or something but I'm sure you can figure out an arrangement to let that go until the end of the season. He has been sacked far too many times this year. The pocket regularly collapses and then, of course, he decides to tuck the ball and run because that's how he rolls. It's not easy to block for a guy like him because he runs so much... I get that. But on important downs where you are passing, rip an opposing player's head off. Don't let them get in on this guy. Protect him and we will win.

Recommendation #5:
I know Jeff Demps and Chris Rainey are sick athletes. I know Emmanuel Moody is a bruising runner. But we need to run the ball less. In the NFL, running the ball wins the game. In college, not as much. It's a great problem to have: too many awesome running backs. But it's time to start throwing the ball more. Tebow hasn't thrown more than 26 passes in one game this year. It's time to let him throw more than 30 times. And not just against FIU, I mean in a real game. Throwing the ball on first down and second down is allowed. That myth was only created by Jim Tressel who also thinks that you can't have more than 5 WRs on the field at any one time.

Look, I know the offense doesn't have Harvin anymore. But Harvin also got injured regularly and the offense usually wouldn't miss a beat when he was out. So it's time to pick it up and get moving. Just take 3 of these recommendations and I know our offense will go back to being world beaters once again. As it stands, our offense will look pitiful against Alabama's crazy whirling dervish of death defense. Granted, our defense will stop their offense dead in its tracks, but I wouldn't feel safe putting a national championship birth on the betting table with this scenario.