Fun With Numbers

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

And they say we can't count in the South because our book learnins are a bit slow.

Reports on conference realignment are now surfacing which state that Texas would prefer to remain as a member of a ten-team Big XII. It is, like most things, a financial decision: Texas could form its own network and pull down a cool $20-$25 mil in revenue from the TV alone. Chip Brown of Orangebloods.com has been absolutely fantastic in covering realignment, so if you need to catch yourself up, I will defer to him.

First things first: the Big XII commish Dan Beebe looks like a goon. He looks like a pasty and less fat Jared Fogle. Speaking of whom, I have no idea if that story in the Jared hyperlink is true, but I wouldn't be surprised. Apparently, for those who don't want to click what is essentially a celebrity gossip webpage, Mr. Fogle ran a pretty successful porno rental service while at IU. Go Hoosiers.

Second, no doubt easily picked up by our quick, clever, and attractive readers, the Big XII would have ten members and the Big Ten would have twelve members. Dopes.

Now, let's look at some real, honest-to-goodness analysis. Why, pray tell, is Texas all of a sudden willing to hold the XII together? Is it really just about the TV revenue? It very well could be. Before the XII, there was the Big 8 and the Southwestern Conference. Arkansas decided to take the SEC's offer to join. Yes, at one point, Arkansas held a decent seat of power in the college football world. Once Arky left, Texas was able to shore up its share and add more of the revenues by helping to hold the SWC together. Later on (3 years or so), Texas left the SWC, orchestrated a merger with the Big 8 and created the Big XII. If you're following present expansion closely enough, substitute Nebraska for Arkansas (Colorado is really irrelevant in the landscape of things here, except they have enabled the Pac 10 to make a run at Utah for a championship game) replace "leaving the SWC" with "threatening to leave the Big XII" and you have history repeating itself, complete with the attempt to keep the league together. Neat, huh?

Here's another thought which is not mutually exclusive with other scenarios, so it can be in play even if something else is. If Texas's plan is to join the Pac-10 all along, then trying to "hold the XII together" makes sense if A&M is truly set on joining the SEC. That way, Texas won't be the bad guy, y'see. They won't be the ones who break up the XII.

Or, nothing can happen. Like it actually did. Thanks, Internet, for going out and making my column dated before it posts!

2010 World Cup Group H Breakdown and Final Thoughts

by Slate Quicksilver

Group H rounds out this year’s version of the World Cup and frankly, it’s a little “blah.” Juggernaut Spain is the team on the marquee while Chile is glad to be back. Switzerland is still angry about their 2006 campaign and Honduras is just as surprised as you are that they are here. Let’s knock out this last group.

Chile

Chile disappeared from the world scene after 1998 thanks to tough luck qualifying and a lack of talent. This time around, they sent a resounding message that they are back, racking up 33 points in qualifying, missing the top spot by one point. This is something to be alerted to, as this team was the youngest of all CONMEBOL teams and it stole 16 of their points on the road. Scoring is rarely a problem for La Roja, especially with striker Humberto Suazo up front, who tore up the net 10 times in qualifying. Attacking and attacking this order, that means that the defense gets stretched. Playing teams like Switzerland and Spain, who can afford to sit and wait (Switzerland would prefer to wait), this could be an issue. In the end, we could see Chile hold their own against the Swiss and play Honduras in a shootout. But Spain will give them fits.

Honduras

If not for the fact that the US bailed them out with a late equalizing goal against Costa Rica, Honduras would have had to go to the playoff and may not have qualified. But that did happen, so Honduras is here. Qualifying saw them beat Mexico handily at home, which was good, but it also showed bad: a 1-1 draw in Trinidad almost killed their chances. Honduras has a few bullets in the gun to help them in Carlos Pavon and Wilson Palacios, of Tottenham fame. This team loves to play quick and loves to attack constantly. Like Chile, this leads to problems at the back. Getting out the group will be tough, but not completely impossible… it all depends on the game against Chile, which should be pretty fun to watch.

Spain

There isn’t much to say about Spain that hasn’t been said. They are the #2 team in the world and has only lost once in the last couple of years (to the US, oddly). They play the beautiful game that Brazil wishes they could play, they have all of the talent Italy and England wishes would play in their country’s leagues and they have the swagger a team like Germany or Argentina dreams of having. Spain is a favorite in this tournament by many, this author included. Spain eviscerated their opponents in qualifying winning all 10 games and only conceding 5 goals along the way. Picking one star on this team to watch is essentially spinning a wheel and picking whoever it lands on, so we’ll avoid that as it basically is an all star team. Spain will probably crush Honduras, beat Chile and maybe have a touch of trouble with the defensive minded Swiss, but this team will have no trouble getting through to the knockout stages.

Switzerland

Soccer is a game, like other games, wherein if a team does not give up a goal during a game, they should never lose. That is only slightly true as the Swiss did not concede a goal during the 2006 World Cup, yet they were knocked out of the tournament in the Round of 16 by the Ukraine (They lost on penalties). Thus, the Swiss are in South Africa looking to improve despite playing by the rules of the game. Qualifying was a bit of a rollercoaster: they started with a draw in Israel and a home defeat to Luxembourg for some reason but they would go on to win 5 in a row and they would win their group with a 0-0 draw with Israel at home. The Swiss do have a few solid players in Tranquillo Barnetta and Alexander Frei and they could do some damage. But the Swiss play a very slow and compressed version of the game. While this will give Honduras and Chile trouble, Spain will likely tear it apart with their short passing game.

Predicted Tables:
Spain 3-0-0
Chile 1-1-1
Switzerland 1-1-1
Honduras 0-3-0

So, whose going to win the whole thing? Here’s the Knockout stages as I see them:
Round of 16
France (A1) vs Nigeria (B2)…………………..Nigeria
Argentina (B1) vs Uruguay (A2)……………Argentina
England (C1) vs Ghana (D2)………………….England
Germany (D1) vs USA (C2)……………………Germany
Netherlands (E1) vs Paraguay (F2)……….Netherlands
Italy (F1) vs Denmark (E2)…………………….Denmark
Brazil (G1) vs Chile (H2)………………………..Brazil
Spain (H1) vs Portugal (G2)…………………..Spain
Quarterfinals
Nigeria vs Argentina………………………………Argentina
England vs Germany………………………………England
Netherlands vs Denmark………………………..Netherlands
Brazil vs Spain…………………………………………..Brazil
Semifinals
Argentina vs England………………………………..England
Netherlands vs Brazil….……………………………Brazil
Finals
England vs Brazil……………………………………..Brazil

Brazil is going win the whole thing, folks. Yes, it’s a very vanilla pick. But now that they’ve ditched the beautiful game aspect of their game and are playing seriously, they are going to torch this competition. I’m sticking to my guns with my former predictions, but I would like to make a few last minute flipflops and assertions:

France probably won’t go 3-0-0 in their group… their coach is insane.

Speaking of insane coaches, although I have Argentina going to the quarterfinals, but they just as easily could go nowhere. Maradona is like a monkey at the wheel of a Ferrari.

Brazil’s triumph and Spain’s fall will show that the beautiful game is dead.

Africa’s next world cup will ban the vuvuzela.

Nigeria will be Africa’s great hope because Ivory Coast will be at 80% health, Ghana is at 75% health, Cameroon is in a tough group and South Africa doesn’t stand a chance. Oh, and Algeria? Ha!

The US likely will beat Slovenia in a close game and will probably have more trouble than they should against Algeria. But realistically England will torch the US’s soft defense. If they go to the Round of 16, Germany will torch them even more.

2010 World Cup Group G Breakdown

By Slate Quicksilver

Without much argument, Group G is the group of death in this installment of the World Cup. Superpowers Brazil and Portugal are on top of this group going in, while African power Ivory Coast would probably look to easily qualify in any other group. Then there is the unknown quantity of the “Democratic People’s Republic” of Korea, or as you know it, the “Bad Korea.” No team is guaranteed to get out alive.

Brazil

Much has been made of the 180 degree turn around that the Brazilians have experienced these past four years. Not in terms of results (they are still a top 3 team in the world), but in terms of play. The beautiful game appears to be dead in Brazil. New coach Dunga stresses the physical defense and a murderous counterattack that has turned a Samba beat to a military drum corps. Certain players, Ronaldihno and Robinho, for example, were left off in favor of players who play into Dunga’s mold. Those players are world class, but are known to be ball hogs and perform needless fancy moves… thus they are gone. The country is now torn: some yearn for the old beautiful days, others believe this is an even stronger team. How Brazil performs at the 2010 World Cup will plot the path for the next generation of Brazilian superstars. Three goalless performances in front of the home crowd during qualifying lead to vicious headlines in hometown newspapers. But really, that was only a blip on the radar as the Selecao easily won the CONMEBOL group. When mentioning names, Kaka (hehe), Gilberto Silva and Luis Fabiano are the big names, but the applause should be reserved for the backline with Juan and Maicon. Those two defenders can breakdown any attack thrown their way with little trouble. Brazil opens against North Korea and finishes with Portugal. They probably will have already qualified by the time they get to the third game and probably won’t care about the game against Portugal. 1982 Germany-Austria Non Aggression Pact of Gijon part 2, anyone?

Ivory Coast

It was heartbreaking to see Didier Drogba, Ivory Coast’s golden child, go down in the last qualifier against Japan with a broken arm. In 2006 Drogba was able to go in front of cameras and get his country, on the brink of civil war, to come to end of hostilities. He would later secure a qualifying game in the northern (and considerably more dangerous) part of the country on rebel territory just to show to his own country that they are unified. He looks to build hospitals in his country and truly has a passion for it. In addition to being a world class person, he is a world class player. That’s why his injury is so disheartening. He might play, but there is no guarantee. Yes, it’s true that arms are not 100% necessary for this sport, it’s not like he is playing a throwaway game in Zimbabwe (terrible joke). The good news is that his fellow teammates are very very good as well. Salomon Kalou is a dangerous striker while Yaya Toure and Didier Zokora make up a potent midfield. Their backline, all of them, plays in Europe somewhere. The Ivory Coast easily qualified to the World Cup, so success looked imminent until they got placed in the group of death. Without Drogba, unfortunately, getting out of the group stage looks very unlikely.

North Korea:

In today’s world of instant knowledge and information being sent around the globe in half a second with television cameras and phone cameras everywhere, it’s rather funny that most people know absolutely nothing about North Korea’s soccer team. Geopolitics aside (frankly we don’t know much about the country itself, either), North Korea’s soccer team has seen a sharp rise in their stock. North Korea started qualifying at the complete bottom of Asian qualifying, unlike Australia or Japan who got byes out of the first couple of rounds. North Korea crushed Mongolia in the first round, got a bye for second round, came in second behind South Korea in the third round, and in the final round came in second (again) behind South Korea (again). Considering North Korea was seeded behind Kuwait and Uzbekistan while being only slightly ahead of Hong Kong (yes they have a team apparently) and Tajikistan (yes it's a country), this is a commendable accomplishment. Now they are rewarded by getting to play in the group of death. Defense is the word of the day (everyday) with the Chollima, and all things considered, they do a pretty good job. They tied Greece 2-2, so that’s good. I guess. They also have the “Wayne Rooney of Asia”, Jong Tae-Se. That’s about it in terms of knowledge on this team. So, will the Dear Leader be celebrating their team getting out of the group of death? Absolutely not. They are going to get run over.

Portugal:

Portugal was very close to complete embarrassment during qualifying. Denmark ran away with the group while Hungary looked solid enough to steal the second group sending Sweden and Portugal into the wilderness. But then Portugal slowly turned it on and got into second place behind the Danes. Portugal drew Bosnia and Herzegovina in the UEFA playoff and won 1-0 both times. That highlights, perhaps, the issue with Portugal. They had an easy qualifying group, but looked disinterested at times. A 3-2 loss at home to Denmark wherein the Danes scored all three goals in the last 10 minutes illustrates that fact. They finally got it together, but it took longer than expected. Well now they are in the group of death and will fight for their lives from start to finish. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid player in the world, so expectations are high on him, but it is the backline where success is mandatory. The whole world knows that Portugal is a team that flops and acts as though they were shot in the knee with a shotgun any time they are challenged. Their midfielders fall down regularly against a stiff headwind hoping for to draw the yellow against the low pressure system in the region. They are, without a doubt, the slimiest players in this tournament… even more than the Italians… and we can only hope a meteor destroys their practice facility. (Ed note: Some of those last few sentences were unedited opinions made by Slate. He hates them with a passion. We’ll just go to the predicted tables.)

Predicted Tables:

Brazil 2-0-1

Portugal 1-1-1 (+2 GD)

Ivory Coast 1-1-1 (+1 GD)

North Korea 0-2-1

In Praise of the Chick-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Sandwich

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Yesterday, the heralded Southern chicken franchise Chick-Fil-A unveiled their Spicy Chicken Sandwich. For those of you unfortunate enough to live outside of the range of these gods of the restaurant industry, first of all, fall to the floor and weep for your sake. Seriously. It's that good. However, you may also know them from the Peach Bowl or from the cow ads.

A brief overview: first, the chicken is soaked in what I believe to be a dill mixture, presumably to complement the pickles on the sandwich. Next, it's breaded and fried in a peanut oil, to 1) lower the cholesterol content and 2) make it taste like heaven. Finally, the sandwich is served on a buttery bun with two dill pickle chips. Then, you can sauce it however you want, with a traditional BBQ sauce, a Polynesian sauce, regular catsup, or you can go with the Chick-Fil-A sauce (renamed from the honey-roasted BBQ sauce, so that's the hint of what it tastes like there).

What makes this sandwich so special, you may ask? It's hard to put in words. Perhaps it is how the breading is light enough to where it doesn't interfere with the natural tastiness of the chicken. That's probably why the spicy sandwich works so well. Apparently, in this piece by the AJC, Chick-Fil-A has been working on this monstrosity for over five years. Clearly, this move has not been hastily considered, and with good reason. Customers (like myself) have been demanding this for many years and while a non-successful spicy sandwich would not be enough to stop me from going, it would be out-of-character for Chick-Fil-A to fail.

Anyhow, they've really been milking the publicity like it was some sort of debut from Apple. You could even reserve your sandwich online at www.getspicychicken.com. The closest I had ever come prior to making a reservation was telling my buddies to "save a sandwich for me" if everyone was going to get food. I did happen to get a reservation (seems like the blue hairs in my home town aren't too keen on eating at 1 PM) and here was how it went.

I walked in and I was shown to a table (in a typical fast food restaurant!) I sat down and was asked what I'd like to drink (a Coke Zero, please. Yes, I have no problem drinking beverages since banned in Venezuela). They then asked if I wanted the Spicy Regular sandwich or the Deluxe, with lettuce, tomato, and pepper jack cheese. Of course, I wanted fried. They bring out the meal, which consists of the sandwich, any sauce I wanted (I elected for Chick-Fil-A sauce), a side of cole slaw, and a sample of the peach milkshake. It gets consumed. They ask me how it was and I respond positively and ask for the bill. Turns out, if you made the reservation, it was FREE. That's right. F-R-E-E. Wouldn't even accept my gratuity.

The spice wasn't all too intense, but you know it was there. It would start out subtle and build ever so slowly. It shouldn't be enough to turn anyone away from it, unless you just can't handle heat in any fashion. My only complaint is that it's a bit salty. Clearly, Chick-Fil-A did all their homework in crafting a great recipe.

All in all, if you can get one, go and get it. You won't regret it. And yes, this is a slap to Slate because he can't acquire one. Take that.

NCAA Mega Conference Predictions: An Absurdist POV

by Slate Quicksilver

In case you missed it (and how could you if you've watched any more than 3 seconds of ESPN), the Pac10 is looking into absorbing what is effectively the Big12 south. This news came from so far out of the blue that scientists believe it originated in the ultraviolet part of the spectrum (/physics joke). The Pac10 wants Texas, Texas and Texas, but has to "settle" with taking the other Texas schools, minus Baylor (...maybe), Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Colorado. Colorado has been harped upon by the Pac10 for a while, and Texas is the jewel that the Pac10 has their eyes on. But the Texas state legislature, of all people, seem to be forcing Texas's cousins (TTech and TAMU) along with them. Oklahoma comes along, and brings Okie doke State just to appease rivalries' sake. Basically it all boils down to money, money and money and the Big12 might be in trouble. Let's not forget the Big10 is looking to yoink Nebraska, Mizzou and maybe possibly Rutgers. In the end, we could be looking for a merging into mega conferences to the point where the BCS turns into the WWF and we'll see Ohio State and Texas play for the Intercontinental Title in a cage match with a guest referee (Macho Man Randy Savage is attached for the first match).

Looking into the crystal ball, here is approximately what will happen:

Step 1: The Pac10 will absorb Texas, Texas Tech, Texas A&M, Colorado, Oklahoma and OK. State. Now the Pac10 is the Pac16.

Step 2: Not to be outdone, the Big10 decides to scoop up Nebraska, Missouri, Rutgers, Pittsburgh and... bom bom bommmmmmm... Notre Dame. The Big10 becomes the Big15, because they are mathematically challenged.

Step 3: The remaining bits and pieces of the Big12 (Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State and Baylor) all have a heartfelt meeting and decide to go their separate ways. The entire state of Kansas comes out and admits that basketball is really their sport and that they never liked football anyway and their teams will fold. Baylor follows suit, making their track team even better than it traditionally has been. Iowa State folds their football team but no one notices.

Step 4: The Big East, stung by their loss of Rutgers, folds up shop and decides that basketball is really their thing. There will be no more football from any of those schools and then they go and pluck Kansas and Kansas State up from the cold cold wilderness that they were cast out into. Iowa State and Baylor join C-USA.

Step 5: The SEC, sitting calmly the entire time, finally decides to strike back. But its a tactical nuclear strike of strikes. The SEC takes Miami, FSU, USF and Georgia Tech.

Step 6: The ACC, realizing that they just got punked similar to how they punked the Big East in the early part of the decade, tries to make amends with the Big East. The Big East laughs them off.

Step 7: The Mountain West and WAC merge. The BCS commissioners recommend that they join the Canadian Football League stating "it's the only way you'll be able to play for a championship."

Step 8: Congress tells the 3 superconferences to share revenue and let the smaller guys play. The 3 heads of the superconferences reply with: "Congress had made their decision. Now let them enforce it." They then start a political party.

Step 9: After only 2 months of campaigning and leading his team to a 11-2 record, Mack Brown is elected the 45th president of the U.S carrying every state containing a team from one of the 3 superconferences.

Step 10: Civil War

Step 11: After a protracted battle, the superconferences subdue the rebel states and sell them to Canada or Mexico.

Step 12: The NFL is disbanded as per the 29th Amendment to the Constitution. (#28: No excessive endzone celebrations)

Step 13: Using their incredible power and money, the superconferences use their new space program to build a giant space platform with which to destroy their enemies and enforce their laws and peace over their dominion. Only it's not a platform, its a sphere... a star, if you will.

John Wooden Dead at 99

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

John Wooden dead at age 99. The coaching world has lost Hercules. He was an inspiration to many, many coaches and players, and nobody meant more to basketball in a majority of the country (Adolph Rupp, Dean Smith, etc. excluded) than he did.

We here at PLS offer our heartfelt gratitude to Mr. Wooden for making NCAA Basketball as prestigious as it is today. Make no mistake, when Florida defeated UCLA in the consecutive years of 2006-07, it was a big deal. Don't think the significance was lost on the players, either.

Requiescat in pace.

2010 World Cup Group F Breakdown

by Slate Quicksilver

Group F is looks likely to be the most “blah” of all of the groups in this upcoming World Cup final. Italy headlines the group and expects to win. Paraguay and Slovakia won entry through tough trials in qualifying. New Zealand is happy to be there. However, after a few strange roster maneuvers by the Italian squad, this group is perhaps a bit more open than appears.

Italy:

Make no mistake about it, Italy is a team that should not be taken lightly. They won the whole thing in 2006, but this World Cup has seen less buzz for the Azzurri. They easily won their qualifying group with no bumps along the way. They are lead by their bulldog captain Fabio Cannavaro and their other worldy goalie Gianluigi Buffon. But on the attack the Italians left off several big time scorers. This Italian team is younger than most in the past, so question marks will be abound if this younger model will perform up to the ludicrous standards put forth on this team. On 6/3, Italy lost to Mexico 2-1. It’s not that Mexico is a bad team (certainly not), but beating a team like Mexico will be absolutely necessary in the knockout stages not once, but 4 times. The Azzurri didn’t just lose, they were one minute from being shut out and they were dominated for most of the game. As a result, Mexico’s stock rises at the cost of Italy’s stock. The Italians were considered “unfit” and “disinterested.” Those are not words you want a team who should contend for a final game berth. Italy should win the group, but not as handily as some think.

New Zealand:

It took New Zealand nearly 30 years to return to the World Cup finals thanks to the same plight Australia had: playoff-after playoff-after playoff. But unlike Australia, who bolted for Asian qualifying, New Zealand still had to play in one playoff to get in. They dominated qualifying over a bunch of Pacific Islands you’ve never heard of to get to a 2 leg playoff against Bahrain, which they took 1-0. The All Whites are rewarded by coming to the World Cup being ranked dead last by almost every single person who has an opinion on the matter. New Zealand is strong at the backline and looked quite competent as they beat Serbia 1-0 on the heels of the finals coming up in 2 weeks. But the question is, will they be able to hold off Paraguay and Slovakia’s physicality and will they be patient enough to handle the Italians’ methodical approach to the game. My bet: No. New Zealand may perform better than most expect, a draw with Slovakia or Paraguay is certainly possible. But in the end the All Whites will be a doormat on the way to the knockout stages.

Paraguay:

Paraguay has tasted success before. In 1998 and 2002 they got out of the group stages only to lose to teams on their way to the Championship games, which is bad luck more than anything. This time around, Los Guaranies electrified CONMEBOL qualifying tying for the most wins (10) and finished just behind Brazil and Chile and they won 7 of their home games. Sadly, they won’t have their best striker, Salvador Cabanas who was literally shot in the face in Mexico. He survived somehow, but won’t be joining the team on the field any time soon. But Roque Santa Cruz is an excellent backup plan, who is just off an excellent year in England. In 2006, Paraguay’s problem was scoring goals. They only scored 2 goals, both against little Trinidad and Tobago. That may not be a problem this time around, as they are better than ever up front and have a solid backline as well. Paraguay should take care of New Zealand and the game against Slovakia will be their tournament.

Slovakia:

Slovakia turned UEFA qualifying on its head this go around by winning group 3 over the Czech and Polish teams, who were expected to finished 1 and 2. That’s a big deal considering Slovakia’s battered history with the two other countries. Moving forward, Slovakia shows a team that is battle tested and won’t back down. On the last day of qualifying, the team beat Poland 1-0 to give them a win. A loss would have placed Slovenia on top of the group and sent Slovakia to Russia, another historic foe. While there isn’t a certain play would will attract legions of stories and reporters, Martin Skrtel of Liverpool is on a solid defense. We can’t really go on history for the team itself, as this is the first major international competition they’ve ever been in, but when combined with the Czechs, they were runners up twice and went to the quarterfinals in 1990. Slovakia will need to beat New Zealand and play Paraguay as well as they can in hopes of making it out of this group. Unfortunately for them, I don’t see it happening.

Predicted Tables:

Italy 2-0-1

Paraguay 2-0-1

Slovakia 1-2-0

New Zealand 0-3-0

Your NBA Finals Status Report - Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales

This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's a clip. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Before we really get rockin', guys, I gotta give a shout out to Jim Joyce. No, not the author, but make no mistake, Stan is a fan of the classics. A Portrait of the Stan Van Gundy as a Used Auto Salesman is included with every car that I move, along with a companion audiobook narrated by a former salesman of mine, Hedo Turkoglu. It makes a great Father's Day present.

Jim, as you may know, blew a call that cost a pitcher a perfect game. Stan's pushed out a couple of lemons off the lot in his day, so I symptathize. But I gotta be honest, I don't think it was a perfect game. The kid threw 88 pitches and only 67 of them were strikes! Stan's no math major, but that's not perfection. Did he beat the throw? Absolutely, he did. But you can't expect it to be called perfect. That's a rare thing for us. I'll consider it a perfect game when I see a box score that reads PC/ST 27/27. Now, that's perfection we can get behind! I vote we rename a perfect game in Major League Baseball the "Good-Enough-for-Most-Folks-But-Not-Stan Game."

Anyhow, back to things that I know like the back of my hand: used cars, blogging, and basketball. Tonight, the NBA Finals start, and while I would have liked to make a return trip, it just wasn't in the cards. Instead, I get to spend it with all of you, and that's okay. Let's jump into it.

The Boston Celtics are pretty much the epitome of every used car on my lot. They look great right out of the dealership (1st quarter), a couple rough patches in the middle where you gotta kick the tires, add water to the radiator just to make it through, or holding a couple loose parts together with duct tape (2nd-3rd quarters), and by the time they make it to the end of the trip, it is looking worse for the wear (4th quarter). HOWEVER, it still gets you there and you're still comin' back to Stan for your next automobile.

The Los Angeles Lakers are like that rare jewel in the SVG lot: fairly high mileage on a reliable make/model, but it was kept in such excellent shape that you're thinkin', "Well, it's a young 100,000 miles." Now, all of a sudden, you're driving down the road and BAM! Your rear view windows fall off. Still, you've got nothing but the open road ahead, so you're in cruise control for a while, but now you've encountered some traffic and it would be really nice to be able to look around without sticking your head out of the window like a jackass.

Make no mistake, folks, this Finals is not easy to predict. You've got mismatches everywhere. Rajon Rondo is a lightning quick PG, something the Lakers usually struggle to defend. Ron Artest is a much better defender than Trevor Ariza and he can be counted on to give someone (likely Pierce) a hard time. KG should be able to crush the soft-as-my-2004-camry-with-the-leatherette-seats Gasol, but could have a harder time against super-sub Lamar "Lots and Lots for Just 5 Bucks" Odom. And you probably thought Stan was going to comment on whichever Kardashian it is. Stan lives by a couple rules in life:

1. Always pay for your books in cash.
2. Leave the wives and children out of it.
3. Pound your conch as often as possible.

Also, I think I just made it pretty clear I don't know which one he married, so I'd rather avoid the egg on my face. It's hard to trim it out of the trademark 'stache.

Couple of key differences between 2008 and 2010:

1. The Auto Lot has gone national! People are comin' from all around to see the deals on the Tercels, Pintos, Camrys, and Geo Prisms from near and from far!

2. Ray Allen is playin' better than he did in 2008.

3. Andrew Bynum is doing more standing than he did in 2008. If you can't remember, he was unavailable because of knee problems. I think having him be able to play is huge.

4. Rajon Rondo is a legitimate scoring threat (but still has a tendency to wither away in the 4th).

5. Kobe is playing better now than he did same time two years again.

6. Everyone's two years older.

7. The Celtics' bench with respect to the guard position is much worse. This one, says Stan, is the biggest key to the series. No more James Posey to bug Kobe! Man, did he ever bother him. They was like exhaust problems and a Pontiac - inseparable! You think Tony Allen and his bum ankle can keep up with Kobe? Like the chances of the United States taking Hummer back from China: not a snowball's in hell!

Having just gotten out of a series with the Celtics, Stan's normally inclined to respect them a little more and generally is thinking of taking them in the series. Their old bones need a lot of rest and the spacious accommodations of the Finals (TUE/THUR/SUN) will play to their advantage.

But I just can't do it.

That's right, Stan is taking Los Angeles. La-La Land. Stan's packin' a grip and splittin' for the Coast! I sense there's a better aura around LA this time around. Kobe's playing at a higher level and he seems confident in his teammates. The Celtics' bench isn't as good as it was in 2008. And, more importantly, I think both teams know what to expect. In 2008, the Lake Show was taken aback by the defensive intensity of the Celts. You can bet your fancy cars that it ain't happening this time! No, seriously, bet your cars. COME ON! Stan needs to have some good cars to put roadside! The wacky, waving, inflatable arm flailing tube men aren't getting in done and neither is Vince Carter!

This seems to be (on paper) the most unpredictable Finals since the 2005 Snoozefest of Detroit/San Antonio. Be sure to tune in, and if you see that handsome devil Jeff Van Gundy, tell him he owes his brother $500 for that Chrysler Town and Country!

Remember, we here at Stan Van Gundy Used Auto Sales are here for you. Come on in, where we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. Right now, you can get a preowned 1996 Subaru Legacy for only $400! Steering wheel extra. If you didn't buy from Stan Van Gundy, you paid too much, WAY TOO MUCH. I wanna make you a deal on an auto-mo-BILE!

More Reasons Why Western Civililzation is Collapsing

by Slate Quicksilver

Busy day today with many goings ons, but this needs to be shared:

http://news.nationalpost.com/2010/06/01/win-a-soccer-game-by-more-than-five-points-and-you-lose-ottawa-league-says/

You don't even have to read the article, the URL says it all. If you win a game by more than five points in this league in Canada, you lose. I could spend 5,000 words deriding the wimp-ification of this generation of children just as easily as I could go on about how many thing are wrong with this action being taken by that league.

Here it is boiled down to a simple concise thought: In the real world, there is no rule that says you can't lose by more than five points! Ask these guys. In this league, the oil spill would be suspended for at least 2 games. The world is not sunshine and lollipops and Western Civilization's march toward the middle is perfectly represented by this, tee ball leagues that don't keep score and people who try to ban the use of words. When these kids make it to middle school, bullies will not stop administering wedgies on the grounds of "fairness" or "compassion."

Point is, if you want to know why the center of the world has shifted to the far east in about 15 years, it's because kids in this league figured they'd share with the Chinese for a few years thinking that the Chinese will be happy to give us back control when it's our turn.

2010 World Cup Group E Breakdown

By Slate Quicksilver

Group E is a group that is a near mirror image to Group D. There is a juggernaut coupled with two very solid teams and a wild card that could easily surprise the world scene. The Netherlands is the marquis team in this group. But European wunderkinds Denmark, soccer/track team Cameroon and Asian regulars Japan look to muddy this group prognostication up.

Cameroon:

Of all African nations, Cameroon has the most successful history. The Indomitable Lions stormed onto the World Cup scene in 1990, going all the way to the quarterfinals where a late Italian goal kept them from the semifinals. In total they have qualified five times, more than any other African nation. In qualifying, Cameroon cruised with style. In the final stage, they lost their first game to Togo and won four of their last five games. In those games, they only surrendered two goals. For their effort, FIFA has ranked them the highest of all African teams (#19 in the World). Samuel Eto’o is their best known player. He is their captain and is well known in European circles for torching every opponent, particularly La Liga opponents where he scored more than 100 goals in five seasons with Barcelona. He currently is destroying the Italian league, Serie A, with Internazionale where he has 12 goals in 32 games. But Cameroon will need more than him against defensive minded Denmark and all around awesome Netherlands. Cameroon has a few youngsters who can add some firepower, but in truth, it will be up to the defense to stop the Netherlands’s all out attack and Denmark’s counterattack. A win of over Japan is likely while a loss against the Netherlands is likely. Denmark v. Cameroon will be their tournament in a nutshell.

Denmark: (Ed note: Slate is a Denmark fan).

The Danish Dynamite exploded onto the scene in 1986 going to the quarterfinals in Mexico, then in 1992 they shocked the European continent by winning the Euro Cup with style. Then in 1998 and 2002, the Danes easily made it out of group play, in 1998 they went to the quarterfinals where they unfortunately met up with Brazil. Perhaps “dynamite” is a perfect word, because in between those successes is stretches of complete nothingness. They didn’t qualify in 1990 or 1994, and then in 2006 they did not qualify for the World Cup and they even missed out on the 2008 Euro Cup (but so did the British…). Well, the year is 2010 and Denmark is back. In qualifying, they seemed to be behind the eight ball, stuck behind Portugal and Sweden in UEFA Group 1. But the Danes would go on to beat Portugal in Lisbon and beat Sweden both times giving them the upper hand in qualifying (they only lost once). It would wind up being Portugal fighting for their qualifying life while Sweden was left to sit at home. Denmark’s Captain Jon Dahl Tomasson (my man) leads the attack, but it is younger players like Daniel Agger and Nicklas Bendtner would will decide the tournament. Sadly, the Danes do not have Peter Schmeichel , their other worldly goalie who anchored the team during its greatest successes (Ed note: Schmeichel is Slate’s favorite player of all time) with his hot temper and ultra aggressive goaltending style. Denmark will likely dispatch Japan, but if any team can give the Netherlands trouble, it would be the defensive minded Danes. A win against Japan and Cameroon is a must.

Japan:

Since 1998, Japan has been a World Cup mainstay. However, the Blue Samurai had true success only once, in 2002 in front of their home crowd where they went to the Round of 16. Japan is not a team to be underestimated, but we will do so anyway. Japan’s largest problem is firepower and weak qualifying. The lack of a true goal scorer will be a huge problem for the Japanese. With Australia as the only true power in their way, Japan easily qualified, but that was thanks to qualifying against the likes of Oman, Thailand, Uzbekistan and Bahrain (not exactly powerhouses). Dead ball specialist Shunsuke Nakamura, formerly of Rangers in Scotland, is their best option for a hero. But playing the likes of the Netherlands, Cameroon and Denmark will require more than one or two players. Japan will have to pitch a perfect game and hit a home run just to win one game. Japan likely will have trouble scoring against Denmark’s tight defense and will have trouble dealing with the athleticism of Cameroon and the Netherlands. Drawing a point will be a victory for the nation, but his team is fading.

The Netherlands:

The Netherlands are set for their typical World Cup run thanks to a multitude of talent and a great run through qualifying. How great? They didn’t lose or draw a single game in qualifying and they only surrendered 2 goals in the eight games of qualifying. It is true that their toughest competition was Scotland and Norway, but it is hard to ignore how well this team did on the road to South Africa. The Oranje have quickly reloaded with talent seeing Ruud van Nistelrooy and Edwin van der Saar hang up their cleats and but they brought in Nigel de Jong, Wesley Sneijder and several other big time young players. Despite all of their success, the Oranje haven’t won the whole thing before. They came in second twice, and fourth in 1998. With the success and talent they have, a trip to the finals is their aim. Their offense is blistering and their defense proved to be better than expected. A wild card factor here is the Dutch going to South Africa. The Dutch have a huge history in South Africa and playing in front of a second home cannot be overlooked. Denmark will be a tough first draw, but Japan can be a stabilizing game. Playing Cameroon to finish group play could be an afterthought. They should easily win the group.

Predicted Table:

Netherlands 2-0-1

Denmark 2-0-1

Cameroon 1-2-0

Japan 0-3-0