Weak stock of games this week, so there is only 5 worth any predictions. So weak, in fact, that only Slate and Iroquois made predictions.
(1) Florida - Georgia
Iroquois:
Don't send my boy to Tennessee
The dying mother said.
Don't send my boy to Alabam'
I'd rather see him dead.
But send my boy to Florida
'Tis better than Cornell.
But as for University of Georgia:
I'd RATHER SEE HIM IN HELL!
CHORUS:
To hell, to hell to hell with Georgia,
To hell, to hell to hell with Georgia,
To hell, to hell to hell with Georgia,
The Cesspool of the South!
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the stomping of the dogs,
We will teach those poor darn farmboys they should stick to slopping hogs,
When the Gators are triumphant we will raise a mighty cheer,
"We'll do the same next year!"
On the field between the hedges there arose a mighty stench,
In the dog machine the engineers will throw a monkey wrench,
When the Gators are triumphant we will raise a mighty yell,
"Them dogs can go to hell!"
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the NCAA,
They're investigating Georgia players to see how much their paid,
After counting all the cars, and the loans alumni made,
They outpaid FSU!!
Apologies, GT fans.
UF over UGA
Slate:
I'm not 100% sure if the fires and carnage have truly been put out from last year's anal pilliaging in Jacksonville. Brandon Spikes set the tone early by re-introducing himself to Mr. Knowshon Moreno in a socially responsible, yet aggressive, fashion. Now we come back to Jacksonville with the Bulldogs containing a powerfully anemic offense that only showed up once this year, a suspended starter on the line and a QB who does not look good even against terrible defenses.
However last year, Florida's offense was a rolling dreadnaught of death that decapitated all of those unfortunate enough to be in its lethal path. GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR, if you will. Currently, Florida's offense is nowhere near GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR. Florida's defense is something GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR is fond of, and that will be why Florida wins. But the redzone offense needs to wake up.
UF over uga
(4) USC @ (10) Oregon
Iroquois:
This is shaping up to be a Pac-10 Pointsfest. USC's defense has been suspect of late and Oregon is still Oregon. LaMichael James is filling in quite nicely for LeGarrette Punch. Matt Barkley is still as impressive as he was earlier in the year, and Damian Williams could actually be the successful receiver that comes out of USC (with apologies to Steve Smith, NYG. He hadn't broken out until this year). Still, I can't imagine Petey Pie dropping this game.
USC over Oregon
Slate:
I don't get why, but LaGarrette Blount with be suited up for this game. Since Oregon's crapping of the bed in Boise, their offense has been a whirling dervish of death and vengence. USC's defense is less than good and USC's offense is less than amazing. Points will be everywhere in Eugene, but I think the person standing with gun in their hand after the smoke clears will be Oregon. This will finally end the USC Fun Cruise.
Oregon over USC
(3) Texas @ (13) Oklahoma State
Slate:
How Dez Bryant is suspended for the rest of the season while LaGarrette Blount is playing this week is perplexing. Consequently, the Will Muschamp led Longhorns defense will embarrass the Cowboy defense all day. Blowout alert!
Texas way over OK. State
Iroquois:
I don't have any justification for this, really, seeings how Okie Doke State isn't very good. In fact, this game will probably end up much like the woodshedding on Mizzou last week. However, Zac Robinson has really been playing well in spite of losing Dez Bryant and Kendall Hunter, thanks to improved play on the OL. I also believe Colt McCoy will start pressing more, as he does need to impress H----man voters, and OSU might be able to take advantage. If OSU jumps out to an early lead and can hold Texas on a few possessions, watch out.
Okie Doke State over Texas
(6) Iowa @ Indiana
Slate:
Iowa has dodged 4 bullets this year: Northern Iowa, Arkansas State, Michigan and Michigan State. They aren't just playing house money, the are playing with stolen money from the Russian mob money. Eventually, a gentleman named Petrov will come to their house, shoot them and their family in the kneecaps and elbows, douse the house with kerosene and light it on fire with the condition that if they all get out alive, they can go to the Outback Bowl. They will also earn Petrov's respect, which is hard to come by.
Corn barely over Indiana
Iroquois:
Hmm. Iowa is very lucky they haven't lost 2-3 games now, I tell ya what. They were a phony PI call and a non-RTP call away from losing to Arky St. and should not have beaten MSU last week but for a terrible defensive playcall by Sparta. However, they keep winning and I must acknowledge them for that. Seeings how my last few attempts to unseat the Corn were ineffective, let's try this.
Corn over Indiana
(21) South Carolina @ Tennessee
Iroquois:
Tennessee is favored in this game, and I can see why. Montario Hardesty has been running like a younger Travis Henry (sans siring) of late and the defense, captained by former Bucs planner Monte Kiffin, has been showing up in big games (e.g. the moral victories against UF and Bama.) They also have homefield advantage in the Rocky Top Toiletbowl. I just can't bring myself to pick them. As much as this is hedging my bets, I fully expect TN to win this game, but because I can't bring myself to actually select them to win...
SCAR over TN
Slate:
Kiffin the Younger still can't get a big win. Kiffin the Older has to be really pissed about this. He perfectly gameplanned Florida, Georgia and Alabama, yet they only took one of those three games. Now the Ol' Ball Coach rolls into Knoxville with his offense. Granted, his offense is limited because of Stephen Garcia at the helm. That's not good. But let's look at this. Monte Kiffin was the D-coordinator in 2003 for the Redskins. In 2003, Spurrier was the head coach/offensive coordinator for the Redskins. They played and the result: Tampa 35 Redskins 13. Kiffin crushed the Redskins' offense. But now Kiffin Sr. has to deal with Kiffin Jr.'s miserably bad offense.
SCAR over TN
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
No Words Required other than...
Don't fuck with GALACTHOCKEYBEAR!!!!!!
Note the hidden symbolism. GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR (yes, caps are required) can:
- Create a Supernova (absolutely)
- Use what is presumably the defunct Galileo Jupiter Exploration Spacecraft as a puck (completely plausible even if Galileo did kind of crash into Jupiter in 2003)
- Destroy the moon (it did have it coming if you hear GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's side of the story)
- Flatten the city of Anchorage and kill all of its residents (You betcha!)
- Ravage the Alaskan wilderness like it's no big deal (it is, in fact, not a big deal)
Yet GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR cannot destroy the Carlson Center, where the University of Alaska-Fairbanks CCHA college hockey team plays. In fact, the Carlson Center seems to be able to contain GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR and perhaps, that is where he lives. This is why Alaska-Fairbanks is #16 in the country right now and 4-0-1 on the early college hockey season.
(H/T: Edsbs.com for somehow finding this gem and crowning it with a brilliant name)
Note the hidden symbolism. GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR (yes, caps are required) can:
- Create a Supernova (absolutely)
- Use what is presumably the defunct Galileo Jupiter Exploration Spacecraft as a puck (completely plausible even if Galileo did kind of crash into Jupiter in 2003)
- Destroy the moon (it did have it coming if you hear GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's side of the story)
- Flatten the city of Anchorage and kill all of its residents (You betcha!)
- Ravage the Alaskan wilderness like it's no big deal (it is, in fact, not a big deal)
Yet GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR cannot destroy the Carlson Center, where the University of Alaska-Fairbanks CCHA college hockey team plays. In fact, the Carlson Center seems to be able to contain GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR and perhaps, that is where he lives. This is why Alaska-Fairbanks is #16 in the country right now and 4-0-1 on the early college hockey season.
(H/T: Edsbs.com for somehow finding this gem and crowning it with a brilliant name)
Sports Related Costumes for Halloween That Might Elicit a Response
Posted by Iroquois Plisken
Halloween is nigh, and since I won't be publishing on that date (it is Georgia Hate Week, after all), here are a few ideas for you Last Minute Larrys on Halloween costumes. Since yours truly isn't in peak physical condition, as I suspect some of you, dear readers, aren't, or a female for that matter, it leaves out the slutty aspect of costuming, we need all the help we can get when it comes to awesome costumes that don't necessarily involve exposure of skin. Note: this list will not include a Michael Vick related costume. That's played out.
Andre Agassi: Here's a great costume that a friend of mine is actually doing. I love the fact that his recent admission of doing illicit drugs has come forth at just about this time of year so the satire is fresh and scathing. Old Agassi (the Shick Razor Superstar) or Young Agassi (the Kenny Loggins lookalike, sans beard) would both make excellent costumes and biting social commentary as to the refined points of "performance enhancing" drugs.
Deficient Aspect of Your Favorite (Rival?) Team's Performance - Not invited to a party? NOT A PROBLEM! Just say that you are in fact attending, but you're showing up as something generally lacking for your team. For example, be the St. Louis Rams' offense. That's been MIA for quite some time.
BRETTFAVREBRETTFAVREBRETTFAVRE - This one practically writes itself. A mish-mash of Packers, Jets, Vikings, Falcons (yes, the Falcons!), and Southern Mississippi gear should do the trick and, lest we forget, be sure to sport your Wrangler jeans. Of course you're comfortable in Wranglers, Brett. If I was popping Vicodin like popcorn at a movie theater, I'd feel great in anything too.
Tim Tebow circa 30 A.D. - Another friend is actually doing this costume, complete with tunic with "TEBOW" and "15" affixed. It was probably what JC himself would have worn if he was trying to hit Simon Peter on a 15 yard post, unless Judas betrayed his QB and allows the sack on the play.
Mark May and Lou Holtz - I just giggle thinking about a tandem doing this specific one.
That's it, folks. Enjoy your Halloween filled with tricks, treats, and plenty of boooooooze.
Halloween is nigh, and since I won't be publishing on that date (it is Georgia Hate Week, after all), here are a few ideas for you Last Minute Larrys on Halloween costumes. Since yours truly isn't in peak physical condition, as I suspect some of you, dear readers, aren't, or a female for that matter, it leaves out the slutty aspect of costuming, we need all the help we can get when it comes to awesome costumes that don't necessarily involve exposure of skin. Note: this list will not include a Michael Vick related costume. That's played out.
Andre Agassi: Here's a great costume that a friend of mine is actually doing. I love the fact that his recent admission of doing illicit drugs has come forth at just about this time of year so the satire is fresh and scathing. Old Agassi (the Shick Razor Superstar) or Young Agassi (the Kenny Loggins lookalike, sans beard) would both make excellent costumes and biting social commentary as to the refined points of "performance enhancing" drugs.
Deficient Aspect of Your Favorite (Rival?) Team's Performance - Not invited to a party? NOT A PROBLEM! Just say that you are in fact attending, but you're showing up as something generally lacking for your team. For example, be the St. Louis Rams' offense. That's been MIA for quite some time.
BRETTFAVREBRETTFAVREBRETTFAVRE - This one practically writes itself. A mish-mash of Packers, Jets, Vikings, Falcons (yes, the Falcons!), and Southern Mississippi gear should do the trick and, lest we forget, be sure to sport your Wrangler jeans. Of course you're comfortable in Wranglers, Brett. If I was popping Vicodin like popcorn at a movie theater, I'd feel great in anything too.
Tim Tebow circa 30 A.D. - Another friend is actually doing this costume, complete with tunic with "TEBOW" and "15" affixed. It was probably what JC himself would have worn if he was trying to hit Simon Peter on a 15 yard post, unless Judas betrayed his QB and allows the sack on the play.
Mark May and Lou Holtz - I just giggle thinking about a tandem doing this specific one.
That's it, folks. Enjoy your Halloween filled with tricks, treats, and plenty of boooooooze.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Best Football Broadcast Teams
by Slate Quicksilver
Sportingnews Magazine is still, sort of, relevant. I mean, they have a website and all. Then again, so do we. So I guess it's not that cool. Point is: SN is rolling along about 32 lightyears behind ESPN (though I prefer their radio network waaaaay over ESPN radio... which is just terrible).
Anyway, SN still does their "who's the best" polls. Among others in the past there have been "best athlete in X decade", "best dynasty in X sport", etc... and it's rather interesting because supposedly SN readers are more seasoned than ESPN readers because ESPN is the vanguard and you really need to know something about sports to even know about The Sporting News and blablabla... or something like that. Or that could be complete mularkey (underused word).
The poll up for their next issue is rather a good one: who is the best football broadcast team. We at PLS will help you solve the answer.
Kenny Albert and Daryl Johnston:
There is no way on earth these guys should win. At all. Less than a snowball's chance in Hell. Not because Kenny and Daryl are bad; they are actually above the norm I would argue. They have Tony Siragusa. Automatic loss. And you know how we feel about him here...
Joe Buck and Troy Aikman:
Joe Buck carries in the experience and bloodline solely from his Hall of Fame/all time great/legendary father, Jack Buck. Troy Aikman brings in a cerebral QB's thoughts. However, Buck is certainly not suited for football in this one's opinion. In baseball, sleepy tones, understatements and long tangential stories work. In football, those are beyond bad because the game is too fast. Plus, we have this bit of evidence. Our over-indignant scale just broke.
Chris Fowler-Craig James-Jesse Palmer:
They are the up-and-comers here. They really seem to enjoy themselves in the booth. James and Palmer bring solid knowledge and Fowler hammers it all home. Plus, there is this. BURRNNN! Yeah, I know it's off camera, but I like to see them have a good time. Stoic indeed, sirs.
Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf:
They've been together for a while, but there is just something missing here. Greg Gumbel doesn't really have a voice for football. Interviewing Moammar Qadhafi? Bullseye. NFL game in September in Houston? Not as much.
Tom Hammond and Pat Haden:
Well, you probably hate Notre Dame if you are at this site. Their pro-ND spin is because of who signs the paychecks, so don't throw them out just yet. On second thought, they help promote the Jimmy Clausen Heisman hope train. They suck.
Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson:
Personally, I love these guys. Excellent voice (Verne) + knowledgeable former player (Gary) = excellent telecast. But I am partial, I grew up listening to the SEC on CBS with Tim Brando "back in the studio."
Sean McDonough and Matt Millen:
Matt Millen is involved and thus they are terrible.
Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth:
Collinsworth certainly stepped up to replace Madden and you can tell. He brings it every game. And Al Michaels is Al Michaels. One question though: Have you noticed how Collinsworth's voice has gotten more and more southern every year?
Brent Musberger and Kirk Herbstreit:
Musburger is probably my favorite right now. No one is as good as being in the moment yet not interfering with your viewing experience as Musberger. He took the mantle from the retired Keith Jackson and ran with it. Only Lundquist has more mileage than Brent, and Brent has called every sport you can think of. "You are looking live at..." is an all time great quote. Herbie, by the way, has turned into a pretty good color guy, too.
Jim Nantz and Phil Simms:
Nantz is an underrated announcer and he has a great voice. Simms can sometimes go off on weird tangents, but Nantz does a good job reeling him in. Especially when Phil goes on a spin about protecting QBs and whatnot.
Brad Nessler and Todd Blackledge:
Nessler does a very good job despite Todd Blackledge. Blackledge is of the "former jock who says things that do not really mean anything and add nothing to the telecast" variety. Blackledge isn't bad, he just isn't good. Also, Todd's taste of the town is terrible. In Gainesville, he went to a chain restaurant. Come on, Todd. THE ORIGINAL SONNY'S PIT BBQ IS FROM GAINESVILLE!
Mike Tirico-Ron Jaworski-Jon Gruden:
Tirico is great. Don't know why, but I like him. Jaworski is solid at breaking down tapes, but he is too vanilla. Gruden never shuts the hell up, but I am impressed with him in the booth. Too bad he will be coaching in a year or two.
For me, I vote Brent Musberger and Kirk Herbstreit as the winner. They have good balance, prime placement (the Saturday night ABC game) and Matt Millen is not involved.
So vote early, vote often, and vote whoever you want. In the end it won't matter. SN magazine voted Matt Leinart as the best college football player of this decade over Tim Tebow despite 80% of the vote going to Mr. Tebow. Seriously. Absolutely fucking stupid.
Sportingnews Magazine is still, sort of, relevant. I mean, they have a website and all. Then again, so do we. So I guess it's not that cool. Point is: SN is rolling along about 32 lightyears behind ESPN (though I prefer their radio network waaaaay over ESPN radio... which is just terrible).
Anyway, SN still does their "who's the best" polls. Among others in the past there have been "best athlete in X decade", "best dynasty in X sport", etc... and it's rather interesting because supposedly SN readers are more seasoned than ESPN readers because ESPN is the vanguard and you really need to know something about sports to even know about The Sporting News and blablabla... or something like that. Or that could be complete mularkey (underused word).
The poll up for their next issue is rather a good one: who is the best football broadcast team. We at PLS will help you solve the answer.
Kenny Albert and Daryl Johnston:
There is no way on earth these guys should win. At all. Less than a snowball's chance in Hell. Not because Kenny and Daryl are bad; they are actually above the norm I would argue. They have Tony Siragusa. Automatic loss. And you know how we feel about him here...
Joe Buck and Troy Aikman:
Joe Buck carries in the experience and bloodline solely from his Hall of Fame/all time great/legendary father, Jack Buck. Troy Aikman brings in a cerebral QB's thoughts. However, Buck is certainly not suited for football in this one's opinion. In baseball, sleepy tones, understatements and long tangential stories work. In football, those are beyond bad because the game is too fast. Plus, we have this bit of evidence. Our over-indignant scale just broke.
Chris Fowler-Craig James-Jesse Palmer:
They are the up-and-comers here. They really seem to enjoy themselves in the booth. James and Palmer bring solid knowledge and Fowler hammers it all home. Plus, there is this. BURRNNN! Yeah, I know it's off camera, but I like to see them have a good time. Stoic indeed, sirs.
Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf:
They've been together for a while, but there is just something missing here. Greg Gumbel doesn't really have a voice for football. Interviewing Moammar Qadhafi? Bullseye. NFL game in September in Houston? Not as much.
Tom Hammond and Pat Haden:
Well, you probably hate Notre Dame if you are at this site. Their pro-ND spin is because of who signs the paychecks, so don't throw them out just yet. On second thought, they help promote the Jimmy Clausen Heisman hope train. They suck.
Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson:
Personally, I love these guys. Excellent voice (Verne) + knowledgeable former player (Gary) = excellent telecast. But I am partial, I grew up listening to the SEC on CBS with Tim Brando "back in the studio."
Sean McDonough and Matt Millen:
Matt Millen is involved and thus they are terrible.
Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth:
Collinsworth certainly stepped up to replace Madden and you can tell. He brings it every game. And Al Michaels is Al Michaels. One question though: Have you noticed how Collinsworth's voice has gotten more and more southern every year?
Brent Musberger and Kirk Herbstreit:
Musburger is probably my favorite right now. No one is as good as being in the moment yet not interfering with your viewing experience as Musberger. He took the mantle from the retired Keith Jackson and ran with it. Only Lundquist has more mileage than Brent, and Brent has called every sport you can think of. "You are looking live at..." is an all time great quote. Herbie, by the way, has turned into a pretty good color guy, too.
Jim Nantz and Phil Simms:
Nantz is an underrated announcer and he has a great voice. Simms can sometimes go off on weird tangents, but Nantz does a good job reeling him in. Especially when Phil goes on a spin about protecting QBs and whatnot.
Brad Nessler and Todd Blackledge:
Nessler does a very good job despite Todd Blackledge. Blackledge is of the "former jock who says things that do not really mean anything and add nothing to the telecast" variety. Blackledge isn't bad, he just isn't good. Also, Todd's taste of the town is terrible. In Gainesville, he went to a chain restaurant. Come on, Todd. THE ORIGINAL SONNY'S PIT BBQ IS FROM GAINESVILLE!
Mike Tirico-Ron Jaworski-Jon Gruden:
Tirico is great. Don't know why, but I like him. Jaworski is solid at breaking down tapes, but he is too vanilla. Gruden never shuts the hell up, but I am impressed with him in the booth. Too bad he will be coaching in a year or two.
For me, I vote Brent Musberger and Kirk Herbstreit as the winner. They have good balance, prime placement (the Saturday night ABC game) and Matt Millen is not involved.
So vote early, vote often, and vote whoever you want. In the end it won't matter. SN magazine voted Matt Leinart as the best college football player of this decade over Tim Tebow despite 80% of the vote going to Mr. Tebow. Seriously. Absolutely fucking stupid.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Basket-ball? I think I know what that is.
Word on the street is the the NBA starts tonight. This is important because... ummm... basketball! Basketball is certainly not the forte of yours truly, but in an effort to look like I am a cultured fan of all sports, I will attempt to not completely half-ass a preview for each team.
Here goes:
Atlantic Division:
Boston: The Boston Three Party is a solid group. Together. Last year Boston limped into the playoffs and got bounced by Orlando. Now Kevin Garnett is back and the Celtics are healthy. This should mean about 55 to 60 easy victories. Apparently unhappy with their ability to yell at refs and trash talk with opponents, the Celtics signed Rasheed Wallace during the offseason. Without a doubt, Sheed will cost the C's at least 5 wins in some capacity.
New Jersey:
Gone is Vince Carter who is now in greener grasses in Orlando. In his place, the Nets have: No one. Considering their coach has two first names, Lawrence and Frank, this could be a bad year in Jersey.
New York:
The best part about the Knicks complete and total collapse is that even though they will do bad this year, they still don't have a draft pick next year. The Lebron Lottery of 2010 will determine the difference between the Knicks being terrible or really really good for the next decade.
Philadelphia:
Did you know that the Snuggie now comes in come in leopard print? I just wanted to be in the room when that was invented. "We have the Snuggie. It is selling like hotcakes in our major demographics: Fat People and Cat owning aunts. But how can we reach the two we are doing the worst in: Gays and ironic hipsters? LEOPARD PRINT!
Toronto:
I think it's time to kill the basketball experiment in Canada. Clearly these people don't care about anything other than hockey. So why force a team that won't make the playoffs for the forever years on them?
Central Division:
Chicago:
I just saw "Hunt for the Red October." Goodness that was a kickass movie. Sean Connery looked like a lion with that neckbeard of ferocity and Alec Baldwin was his usual crazy awesome self. There were so many twists and the line: "Re-verify our range to target... one ping only." Only Sean Connery could make that line into a super all time badass line.
Cleveland:
Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James. Shaq?
Detroit:
Detroit is in trouble. They spent money too early in the free agent market, they didn't draft well this year and now people are going to stop going to the games due to the terrible economy. Did you know, though, that The Palace of Auburn Hills is NOWHERE CLOSE to Detroit. It's actually close to Flint. It's interesting though, because if it were in Detroit people would still go (who live in the less economically crushed Wayne County Metro area). Empty stands will cheer the Pistons on this year.
Indiana:
I see white people. Half the roster is whiter than white. Indiana Pacers' motto for 2009: We're taking the sport back, baby! Racial integration of the sport of basketball will not end well.
Milwaukee:
Can you think of any sound in the broad spectrum of society that more people know than the Wheel of Fortune sound when they introduce a new puzzle? "Doo Doo Dee Doooo." As you read that, I'll bet your mind sounded it out.
Southeast Division:
Atlanta:
I've noticed something in the last 5 years. Halloween candy has really improved in the past few years. This generation's kids are used to getting mini-Snickers, mini-Crunch bars and mini Twix bars. When I trick or treated (I did it until I was 18 and no, I am not ashamed of that), we usually got complete crap. Non-brand name candy was more common than name brand. Then there was the woman on this one corner who gave out... seriously... apple slices! WTF? Tell you what hippie lady, do me a favor and you keep that. But now if you walk through a supermarket, they have all kinds of nice NAME BRAND candy. This is why all children are now spoiled.
Charlotte:
I'll never got why Charlotte lost a team due to a lack of attendance and then got a new one. They then celebrated by not going to see the new team.
Miami:
Dwyane Wade is a prima donna. There I said it. It's a bugaboo around the association, but yeah, I went there. Listen, D-Wade plays hard every game and gives it his all 24/7. I'm sure he works up a sweat while eating dinner because he is THAT into it. But when he goes down from any form of contact, it's as if someone put a street sweeper shotgun into his stomach and pulled the trigger. Remember when he got wheeled off the court in a wheelchair with a towel over his head... because of a SEPARATED SHOULDER!?! Seriously, D, I've done that before. I didn't need to look a like a polio victim on my way to the doctor.
Orlando:
Orlando spent several years in complete mediocrity, got Dwight Howard, got a few nice pieces and exploded in two years. They went to the finals last year and look great. Honestly if they had a few bounces their way they could have won. Easily. Now they have Vince Carter, who is surrounded by talent for the first ever. This year could be interesting.
Washington:
If the Capitals weren't a lock to win the Southeast Division in the NHL, it would really really really suck to be a Washington DC teams based fan this year. The Redskins? Terrible. The Nationals? Terrible squared. The Wizards? Soon to be terrible.
Western Conference:
Northwest Division:
Denver:
Gotta give credit where credit is due... 30 for 30 on espn is pretty spectacular. The thing in Wayne Gretzky was OK, but the Baltimore Colts band thing was excellent and the USFL bit was amazing. The Ali-Holmes thing looks to be great. Well played ESPN, I was expecting a terrible convoluted thing with cross promos and whatnot. Solid job and applause to every involved.
Minnesota:
Minnesota completely destroyed the Ricky Rubio deal. They could have him. Now, the only proof he was ever on American soil was when he shot the terrible gillette shaving gel commercial with Derek Jeter and Roger Federer. That and the draft.
Oklahoma City:
They stole a team and this to me are dead. No, this is not a rip of Bill Simmons' fake indignant diatribe. I honestly hate them because I know what it's like to lose a pro sports team by a huckster come in and steal your franchise. It's a terrible feeling.
Portland:
Recommendation for a great recipe: Get some Louisiana hot sauce and some honey. Lightly boil the honey and then add the hot sauce. The amounts of each should be 2 to 1. Then use that on chicken. Amazing.
Utah:
The Utah Jazz, as a name, fascinates me. They used to be the New Orleans Jazz. I know that. But why not trade with the current new Orleans team? Seriously. You be the Hornets, they;ll be the Jazz. Easy. Want more of a reason to do it? YOU ARE THE BEEHIVE STATE!!!!!!!!!!
Pacific Division:
Golden State:
Golden State is a nickname for California. Why they never changed their name to Oakland or wherever they are from is beyond me. Keeping this trend, imagine if Maryland had a team: The Cockade State Warriors. Or Delaware: The Uncle Sam's Pocket Kerchief Warriors.
LA Clippers:
I can't even imagine being a Clippers fan. I can at least see being a Browns, Lions or Cubs fan. But even those teams have at least seen the light for a least a little while. The Clip joint never has and never will get a lick at the old brass ring. And now Blake Griffin is out for a few weeks. The fun train keeps rolling.
LA Lakers:
Even funnier about LA Clippers fans is that they have to share a room with the epitome of smug douchey overachievers: the Lakers. Random factoid: Kobe Bryant is 31 years old, how much longer is it going to last?
Phoenix:
Who ever invented Netflix should be deified. Honestly. Nothing short of deification. Gone are the days when we as humans are shackled to the intransigence of Blockbuster (losers). Order it online and it gets mailed to you. Do you have computer/xbox360? Watch movies/tv shows instantly. Ridiculously awesome.
Sacramento:
I don't know why Sacramento even has a team. Now that they are bad again and Sacramento is one of the hardest hit cities in the country with this economic storm, they'll be lucky to average 10,000 people per game.
Southwest division:
Dallas:
Dirk Nowitzki is from Germany. Yet, I don't care how European he is. That hair is hideous. They deserve to lose 70 games this year.
Houston:
Did you know that only 9% of the universe is actually matter? Matter as in atoms. The other 91%. We don't have a clue other than it being called "dark matter" and "dark energy." That's not a good feeling.
Memphis:
I feel bad for this organization. First they were in Vancouver, where Canadians ignored them. Now they are in Memphis, where southerners ignore them. Will someone ever watch them?
New Orleans:
(See: Utah)
San Antonio:
This team, in one offseason, completely reloaded. Yes, they are a touch old. But they got Richard Jefferson and somehow got DeJuan Blair to fall all the way to them in the draft. Seriously, how did they do that? How did we let them get away with it? They could win 70 games this year and not even try that hard.
Predicted Standings
East:
1 Cleveland
2 Orlando
3 Boston
4 Chicago
5 Atlanta
6 Miami
7 Philly
8 Detroit
9 Washington
10 Charlotte
11 Indiana
12 Toronto
13 New York
14 Milwaukee
15 New Jersey
West:
1 San Antonio
2 New Orleans
3 LA Lakers
4 Utah
5 Dallas
6 Denver
7 Houston
8 Phoenix
9 Portland
10 LA Clippers
11 Thunder
12 Golden State
13 Minnesota
14 Sacramento
15 Memphis
Finals:
San Antonio OVER Orlando
So that's it. I didn't half ass it at all. Take it to the bank, you got it. The winners and losers. Good night, America!
Here goes:
Atlantic Division:
Boston: The Boston Three Party is a solid group. Together. Last year Boston limped into the playoffs and got bounced by Orlando. Now Kevin Garnett is back and the Celtics are healthy. This should mean about 55 to 60 easy victories. Apparently unhappy with their ability to yell at refs and trash talk with opponents, the Celtics signed Rasheed Wallace during the offseason. Without a doubt, Sheed will cost the C's at least 5 wins in some capacity.
New Jersey:
Gone is Vince Carter who is now in greener grasses in Orlando. In his place, the Nets have: No one. Considering their coach has two first names, Lawrence and Frank, this could be a bad year in Jersey.
New York:
The best part about the Knicks complete and total collapse is that even though they will do bad this year, they still don't have a draft pick next year. The Lebron Lottery of 2010 will determine the difference between the Knicks being terrible or really really good for the next decade.
Philadelphia:
Did you know that the Snuggie now comes in come in leopard print? I just wanted to be in the room when that was invented. "We have the Snuggie. It is selling like hotcakes in our major demographics: Fat People and Cat owning aunts. But how can we reach the two we are doing the worst in: Gays and ironic hipsters? LEOPARD PRINT!
Toronto:
I think it's time to kill the basketball experiment in Canada. Clearly these people don't care about anything other than hockey. So why force a team that won't make the playoffs for the forever years on them?
Central Division:
Chicago:
I just saw "Hunt for the Red October." Goodness that was a kickass movie. Sean Connery looked like a lion with that neckbeard of ferocity and Alec Baldwin was his usual crazy awesome self. There were so many twists and the line: "Re-verify our range to target... one ping only." Only Sean Connery could make that line into a super all time badass line.
Cleveland:
Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James. Shaq?
Detroit:
Detroit is in trouble. They spent money too early in the free agent market, they didn't draft well this year and now people are going to stop going to the games due to the terrible economy. Did you know, though, that The Palace of Auburn Hills is NOWHERE CLOSE to Detroit. It's actually close to Flint. It's interesting though, because if it were in Detroit people would still go (who live in the less economically crushed Wayne County Metro area). Empty stands will cheer the Pistons on this year.
Indiana:
I see white people. Half the roster is whiter than white. Indiana Pacers' motto for 2009: We're taking the sport back, baby! Racial integration of the sport of basketball will not end well.
Milwaukee:
Can you think of any sound in the broad spectrum of society that more people know than the Wheel of Fortune sound when they introduce a new puzzle? "Doo Doo Dee Doooo." As you read that, I'll bet your mind sounded it out.
Southeast Division:
Atlanta:
I've noticed something in the last 5 years. Halloween candy has really improved in the past few years. This generation's kids are used to getting mini-Snickers, mini-Crunch bars and mini Twix bars. When I trick or treated (I did it until I was 18 and no, I am not ashamed of that), we usually got complete crap. Non-brand name candy was more common than name brand. Then there was the woman on this one corner who gave out... seriously... apple slices! WTF? Tell you what hippie lady, do me a favor and you keep that. But now if you walk through a supermarket, they have all kinds of nice NAME BRAND candy. This is why all children are now spoiled.
Charlotte:
I'll never got why Charlotte lost a team due to a lack of attendance and then got a new one. They then celebrated by not going to see the new team.
Miami:
Dwyane Wade is a prima donna. There I said it. It's a bugaboo around the association, but yeah, I went there. Listen, D-Wade plays hard every game and gives it his all 24/7. I'm sure he works up a sweat while eating dinner because he is THAT into it. But when he goes down from any form of contact, it's as if someone put a street sweeper shotgun into his stomach and pulled the trigger. Remember when he got wheeled off the court in a wheelchair with a towel over his head... because of a SEPARATED SHOULDER!?! Seriously, D, I've done that before. I didn't need to look a like a polio victim on my way to the doctor.
Orlando:
Orlando spent several years in complete mediocrity, got Dwight Howard, got a few nice pieces and exploded in two years. They went to the finals last year and look great. Honestly if they had a few bounces their way they could have won. Easily. Now they have Vince Carter, who is surrounded by talent for the first ever. This year could be interesting.
Washington:
If the Capitals weren't a lock to win the Southeast Division in the NHL, it would really really really suck to be a Washington DC teams based fan this year. The Redskins? Terrible. The Nationals? Terrible squared. The Wizards? Soon to be terrible.
Western Conference:
Northwest Division:
Denver:
Gotta give credit where credit is due... 30 for 30 on espn is pretty spectacular. The thing in Wayne Gretzky was OK, but the Baltimore Colts band thing was excellent and the USFL bit was amazing. The Ali-Holmes thing looks to be great. Well played ESPN, I was expecting a terrible convoluted thing with cross promos and whatnot. Solid job and applause to every involved.
Minnesota:
Minnesota completely destroyed the Ricky Rubio deal. They could have him. Now, the only proof he was ever on American soil was when he shot the terrible gillette shaving gel commercial with Derek Jeter and Roger Federer. That and the draft.
Oklahoma City:
They stole a team and this to me are dead. No, this is not a rip of Bill Simmons' fake indignant diatribe. I honestly hate them because I know what it's like to lose a pro sports team by a huckster come in and steal your franchise. It's a terrible feeling.
Portland:
Recommendation for a great recipe: Get some Louisiana hot sauce and some honey. Lightly boil the honey and then add the hot sauce. The amounts of each should be 2 to 1. Then use that on chicken. Amazing.
Utah:
The Utah Jazz, as a name, fascinates me. They used to be the New Orleans Jazz. I know that. But why not trade with the current new Orleans team? Seriously. You be the Hornets, they;ll be the Jazz. Easy. Want more of a reason to do it? YOU ARE THE BEEHIVE STATE!!!!!!!!!!
Pacific Division:
Golden State:
Golden State is a nickname for California. Why they never changed their name to Oakland or wherever they are from is beyond me. Keeping this trend, imagine if Maryland had a team: The Cockade State Warriors. Or Delaware: The Uncle Sam's Pocket Kerchief Warriors.
LA Clippers:
I can't even imagine being a Clippers fan. I can at least see being a Browns, Lions or Cubs fan. But even those teams have at least seen the light for a least a little while. The Clip joint never has and never will get a lick at the old brass ring. And now Blake Griffin is out for a few weeks. The fun train keeps rolling.
LA Lakers:
Even funnier about LA Clippers fans is that they have to share a room with the epitome of smug douchey overachievers: the Lakers. Random factoid: Kobe Bryant is 31 years old, how much longer is it going to last?
Phoenix:
Who ever invented Netflix should be deified. Honestly. Nothing short of deification. Gone are the days when we as humans are shackled to the intransigence of Blockbuster (losers). Order it online and it gets mailed to you. Do you have computer/xbox360? Watch movies/tv shows instantly. Ridiculously awesome.
Sacramento:
I don't know why Sacramento even has a team. Now that they are bad again and Sacramento is one of the hardest hit cities in the country with this economic storm, they'll be lucky to average 10,000 people per game.
Southwest division:
Dallas:
Dirk Nowitzki is from Germany. Yet, I don't care how European he is. That hair is hideous. They deserve to lose 70 games this year.
Houston:
Did you know that only 9% of the universe is actually matter? Matter as in atoms. The other 91%. We don't have a clue other than it being called "dark matter" and "dark energy." That's not a good feeling.
Memphis:
I feel bad for this organization. First they were in Vancouver, where Canadians ignored them. Now they are in Memphis, where southerners ignore them. Will someone ever watch them?
New Orleans:
(See: Utah)
San Antonio:
This team, in one offseason, completely reloaded. Yes, they are a touch old. But they got Richard Jefferson and somehow got DeJuan Blair to fall all the way to them in the draft. Seriously, how did they do that? How did we let them get away with it? They could win 70 games this year and not even try that hard.
Predicted Standings
East:
1 Cleveland
2 Orlando
3 Boston
4 Chicago
5 Atlanta
6 Miami
7 Philly
8 Detroit
9 Washington
10 Charlotte
11 Indiana
12 Toronto
13 New York
14 Milwaukee
15 New Jersey
West:
1 San Antonio
2 New Orleans
3 LA Lakers
4 Utah
5 Dallas
6 Denver
7 Houston
8 Phoenix
9 Portland
10 LA Clippers
11 Thunder
12 Golden State
13 Minnesota
14 Sacramento
15 Memphis
Finals:
San Antonio OVER Orlando
So that's it. I didn't half ass it at all. Take it to the bank, you got it. The winners and losers. Good night, America!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Important Announcement from Your New Insect Overlords
As we at PLS have tried to convey, we are people, too. People who do stuff, sometimes. We like sports. We like food. We don't like obligations. We also hate pants. However, our post-grad work has begun to pick up, and as such, we've altered things a bit to bring all y'all your content more effectively.
Starting today, Iroquois (that's me) will be posting on Monday and Thursday. Your fearless leader Slate will be posting on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Fridays will be our world-renowned college football picks. Saturday is a holy day and Sunday will be for CFB wrap-up. This schedule is not preclusionary; we'll post on an 'off-day' if there's something meritorious or we feel the need (for speed?). We feel that this will allow the writers to maximize their talents that best synchs with their schedules.
What of Red Herring, his one fan asks? He'll still be around, contributing as only he can. Red, however, does not have a set schedule and will post whenever the mood strikes.
Kent Brockman, over and out.
Starting today, Iroquois (that's me) will be posting on Monday and Thursday. Your fearless leader Slate will be posting on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Fridays will be our world-renowned college football picks. Saturday is a holy day and Sunday will be for CFB wrap-up. This schedule is not preclusionary; we'll post on an 'off-day' if there's something meritorious or we feel the need (for speed?). We feel that this will allow the writers to maximize their talents that best synchs with their schedules.
What of Red Herring, his one fan asks? He'll still be around, contributing as only he can. Red, however, does not have a set schedule and will post whenever the mood strikes.
Kent Brockman, over and out.
Sports Smörgåsbord for 10-26-09
Posted by Iroquois Plisken
Apologies, friends, as life caught up last week. Enough with the small talk. Let's get right into the Sports Smörgåsbord (and seeings how I haven't eaten today, I'm rather hungry).
MLB - Of course, the dominant story right now is the World Series. You can find analysis of that anywhere. A more pressing story, I feel, is the rumored return of Mark McGwire to the public sphere. This is an odd move by the Big Mac camp. How does McGwire not expect this to turn into something of a sideshow while the Media (tm) has been chomping at the bit to find this guy and ask questions about his (alleged) steroid use? Part of me is skeptical whether or not this is simply part of an image rehabilitation campaign in order to sway the HOF voters. Of course, we all know that we can simply forgive McGwire if he goes to BP and socks a few dingers.
NBA - One of the saddest days in my admittedly brief writing career happened last week when the NBA referees agreed with the NBA to end their lockout. I was researching a story and tried to include lots of juicy and salient facts about why the lockout was good for all parties involved save the actual referees. Succinctly, it would be (generally) good for the viewing audience because they would expect so little from the replacement refs that it would be par for the course if they sucked and positively stunning if they were to be any good. This, of course, would validate the public's opinion that the NBA referees are more crooked than Charles Barkley's golf shot. In turn, what's good for the gander is good for the Jew Goose, because he gets a product that was infinitely better managed than those improvident lackwits that previously ran the show. Of course, I don't think I need to explain why it would be bad for the now-active referees (lost wages, chance to be shown up without any way to respond, etc.). It truly is a shame that we were not rid of Crawford and Salvatore indefinitely, but alas, such is the state of the modern collective bargaining agreement.
NHL - Apparently, there are teams with financial problems. This guy is on the case with more details. It might just be me, but the NHL should probably contract a great amount of their teams, namely most anyone in a warm weather market. Since interest in the NHL among nonfans is at probably one of its lowest points, why not just make hockey small and ultracompetitive with a few markets? Most people have heard of too big to fail; the NHL is simply too big and failing.
NFL - As a fan of a team with a terrible record, I think one of the more interesting subplots of the NFL season so far is not the teams that are 'good', but rather the teams that are 'not good' (bad, to you laypeople). Your good teams (Indy, NE, NO, Min) have huge PF-PA spreads, but there are an alarming number of teams with generally poor PF-PA spreads, generally poor being defined as less than 25 difference between PF and PA. I realize these statements jump to perhaps unreasonable conclusions, but I would rather see dominant teams in any given season. I look forward to the first uncapped NFL season (next year?) and watching the spending frenzy that comes with the revenues from the "world's most popular sport."
Random Salient Point - Is it possible that this year in college football, instead of the supremely dominant team that everyone was predicting in the offseason, that we will see many teams with varying degrees of legitimacy make claim to being the team that should go to the Mythical National Championship Game, regardless of what the numbers geeks say? It seems like this year, more than any other year, the presence of surviving undefeated teams coupled with one-loss teams that have galvanized and played exceedingly well should stand to depose the Robespierre that is the BCS.
Apologies, friends, as life caught up last week. Enough with the small talk. Let's get right into the Sports Smörgåsbord (and seeings how I haven't eaten today, I'm rather hungry).
MLB - Of course, the dominant story right now is the World Series. You can find analysis of that anywhere. A more pressing story, I feel, is the rumored return of Mark McGwire to the public sphere. This is an odd move by the Big Mac camp. How does McGwire not expect this to turn into something of a sideshow while the Media (tm) has been chomping at the bit to find this guy and ask questions about his (alleged) steroid use? Part of me is skeptical whether or not this is simply part of an image rehabilitation campaign in order to sway the HOF voters. Of course, we all know that we can simply forgive McGwire if he goes to BP and socks a few dingers.
NBA - One of the saddest days in my admittedly brief writing career happened last week when the NBA referees agreed with the NBA to end their lockout. I was researching a story and tried to include lots of juicy and salient facts about why the lockout was good for all parties involved save the actual referees. Succinctly, it would be (generally) good for the viewing audience because they would expect so little from the replacement refs that it would be par for the course if they sucked and positively stunning if they were to be any good. This, of course, would validate the public's opinion that the NBA referees are more crooked than Charles Barkley's golf shot. In turn, what's good for the gander is good for the Jew Goose, because he gets a product that was infinitely better managed than those improvident lackwits that previously ran the show. Of course, I don't think I need to explain why it would be bad for the now-active referees (lost wages, chance to be shown up without any way to respond, etc.). It truly is a shame that we were not rid of Crawford and Salvatore indefinitely, but alas, such is the state of the modern collective bargaining agreement.
NHL - Apparently, there are teams with financial problems. This guy is on the case with more details. It might just be me, but the NHL should probably contract a great amount of their teams, namely most anyone in a warm weather market. Since interest in the NHL among nonfans is at probably one of its lowest points, why not just make hockey small and ultracompetitive with a few markets? Most people have heard of too big to fail; the NHL is simply too big and failing.
NFL - As a fan of a team with a terrible record, I think one of the more interesting subplots of the NFL season so far is not the teams that are 'good', but rather the teams that are 'not good' (bad, to you laypeople). Your good teams (Indy, NE, NO, Min) have huge PF-PA spreads, but there are an alarming number of teams with generally poor PF-PA spreads, generally poor being defined as less than 25 difference between PF and PA. I realize these statements jump to perhaps unreasonable conclusions, but I would rather see dominant teams in any given season. I look forward to the first uncapped NFL season (next year?) and watching the spending frenzy that comes with the revenues from the "world's most popular sport."
Random Salient Point - Is it possible that this year in college football, instead of the supremely dominant team that everyone was predicting in the offseason, that we will see many teams with varying degrees of legitimacy make claim to being the team that should go to the Mythical National Championship Game, regardless of what the numbers geeks say? It seems like this year, more than any other year, the presence of surviving undefeated teams coupled with one-loss teams that have galvanized and played exceedingly well should stand to depose the Robespierre that is the BCS.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Final Word for College Football Week 8
by Slate Quicksilver
You may disagree with who is number 1 or number 4, but you can't disagree that this season is going to be either super crazy awesome or terribly depressing.
(1) Florida sleepwalked through Starkville to beat Mississippi State. Yes, Florida only won by 10, but consider this: Florida had 4 trips into the redzone. One was a missed FG, one was a FG, one was a TD and one was a 100 yard long pick 6. This says two things: UF's redzone offense is confuzzled and this game should have been a blowout and a half. Subtract 7 from the Bulldogs, throw up 18 points and you would have had a disemboweling. But football is not a "would have" game. As a result Florida is still in a fog and they may not be so lucky down the road.
(2) Alabama's offense, like Florida's, is in trouble. Tennessee played a great defensive gameplan and barring their kicking game completely tanking, the Vols would have won. But again, football is not a "would have" game. Alabama's defense continues is smothering of all opponents, but like Florida, their offense is not something to be proud of.
In lighter news (3) Texas embarrassed Missouri at home. I think that this is the final blow in the Mizzou hope train that started in 2007 when they were at one point #1 (and Kansas was like #5). It's a tough and unpleasant path back to mediocrity, Mizzou, but you had a good run while it lasted. The Longhorns Offense looked good again, but it was the defense that opened eyes. A Texas team with a little defense is a scary idea.
(4) Boise State continued its march to an undefeated season and thus blood raining from the skies in December. Hawai'i is back to mediocrity now that the June Jones effect pulled up its stakes and is at SMU... who is probably going to make a bowl game. It should be noted that Boise State in the BCS championship game with be the end of the terrible tyranny of the system, but note that in order get rid of it, we must effectively allow the system to shit the bed. This year shitting the bed would be a doomsday scenario of Boise State-Cincy playing in championship game.
Raise your hand if you thought (5) Cincinnati would still be undefeated in late October. (Raises his hand) Cincy is a good team. No doubts there. Are they the number 5 team in the country? Probably not. Is Boise State the 4th best team in the country? Definitely not. Yet here we are. The Bearcats obliterated Loovil moving them closer to an undefeated season.
While we are on nightmare undefeateds, let's talk about (6) Iowa winning their second game on the last play of the game in the most improbable of circumstances. Give Michigan State credit, they played a great defensive game and that hook and ladder at the end of the game to set up the "supposed to be" winning TD was a decision made with balls of a titanium-osmium alloy. But seriously, Iowa was bailed out on a few bad calls and MSU inexplicably blitzing 7(!) on their own seven yard line with 3 seconds left. I applaud not going to the prevent defense, but seriously, a SEVEN BLITZ!?!? The cornerback stood no chance.
So here we are. We could have 6 unbeatens at the end of the season: UF/Bama, Iowa, Boise State, Texas and TCU. 6 teams, only 2 slots in the NC game, what could solve this? Oh... A PLAYOFF!
The rest of the Top 25:
(7) USC survived Oregon State, but by the well tanned skins of their teeth. Listen, USC is in a down year. There is no way a logical person could argue otherwise. They always have an excuse for their in conference losses, but they lost to Washington and this time Oregon State was a long play away from beating them.
(8) TCU bravely walked into Mormon land and soundly crushed (16) BYU. This game was never really close and TCU's only resistance on the way out is Utah in a few weeks. The BCS is in trouble... don't know if you got that just yet.
(9) LSU handed Auburn another loss to continue Auburn course correction back to being .500. LSU, if they can beat Alabama in 2 weeks becomes the driver in the SEC West car. If LSU beats Alabama, they will go to the SEC Championship game and if they beat Gators. Hello, NC game.
Clemson walked down to (10) Miami and won in overtime. Clemson, it has been determined, is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you'll get. Sometimes they'll knock off a top 10 team on the road and next week they may lose at home to Coastal Carolina. Miami is similar yet they are hinged on what Jacory Harris wears to the game. Gucci, win. Versace, close win. Ferragamo, HA! You can buy that at a department store. Definite loss.
(11) Oregon demolished Washington, reminding UW that beating USC was a product of their own inconsistency and how USC is terribly overrated.
(12) Georgia Tech beat Virginia during Virginia's annual "Biblical Flood Re-creation Day." Seriously, the 8 bit RAYCOM sports feed had this game looking like it was a night game, except that the game was played at high noon.
(13) Penn State went to Ann Arbor, took Michigan behind a shed, told them to cut them a stick and then whacked them for 4 straight hours. Michigan provided endless comedy with their self caused safety. The center snapped the ball in the shotgun in their own endzone not over Tate Forcier's head, but to this side. The ball of course zoomed out of the back of the endzone. Before the ball even hit the ground, the center turned around to Tate Forcier and started berating him. Forcier curled into the fetal position and began to sob. Penn State got the ball back and immediately threw a 60 yard TD pass. (Full disclosure: Only one of those things were fake).
(15) Oklahoma State destroyed Baylor who honestly deserved it. Did you see those uniforms? Yeah, they deserved it.
(17) Houston took care of SMU. They needed a big in conference win to prove that they aren't just another small conference team who shouldn't be ranked this high and are only ranked this high because they beat a big time team or two yet they still lost an in-conference game and now must beat everyone by 458679 just to look good. That almost made sense.
It took overtime, but (18) Utah took out Air Force. Unpatriotic. Why does Utah hate America?
(19) Ohio State finally had a good game again a conference opponent. The Terrelle Pryor Overrated Watch Sponsored by Green Day has been slightly upgraded from "Kate Hudson" to "Capri Sun Juices." Pryor ran 15 times, had barely a 50% completion percentage and still threw a pick against a woeful Minnesota defense. It's funny that only now did people in Columbus start questioning the Sweatervest. Forget the big game failures... it was a loss to Purdue that did it. Not unlike what happened to Ron Zook at Florida... a loss at Mississippi State was the death knell.
(20) Pitt continues the trend of building up their hopes only to be dashed because their coach is Dave Wannstadt. Also, the USF annual slide is hitting on all cylinders.
(22) Arizona turned the ball over 5 times, but they still beat UCLA in the standard Pac-10 default score of 27-13.
(23) West Virginia showed a remarkable amount of class in honoring UCONN's fallen teammate before the game. Well played West Virginia. And then they quietly and politely disposed of UCONN in a close game.
(24) South Carolina nearly lost again to Vandy. When Spurrier was at Florida, it was a yearly event. Spurrier would double whatever Vandy would get total by the first half. Then last year he lost and this year he barely beat them. I think he is going to leave the Gamecocks. Honestly. They won't fire him, he will just not show up for work for a day... or 50.
Did you ever think you'd see the day where (25) Kansas would be ranked and Oklahoma would not be and they would play? I sure didn't. But if it ever did happen, I would have guessed that Oklahoma win the game in that weird scenario 35-10. I was wrong. OU won 35-13.
The rest of everything:
Don't ask how, but Florida State beat UNC. Don't ask how, but DUKE BEAT MARYLAND (LOLZ!) Notre Dame finally beat Boston College. Navy beat Wake... USA USA USA. Iowa State beat Nebraska in a laugher 9-7. Colorado continues its quest to fire Dan Hawkins by losing to Kansas State. Texas A&M shocked every human being alive by brutally crushing TTech... the line from Vegas was TTech -21.5 and the difference was 22 point so when I looked in my pick'em league, I thought I had won because I took the Red Raiders. Rutgers soundly beat Army (boooo!). Syracuse beat Akron in a game that was way closer than it should have been. Northwestern was down by 25 at one point, but luckily they were playing Indiana. In a terrible game that ESPN gave to Pam Ward to cover (snoozefest), Purdue beat Illinois. Cal will be ranked next week as they blew up Washington State. Stanford is now a game away from a bowl while Arizona State is now a loss or two away from firing Dennis Erickson. Kentucky destroyed Louisiana-Monroe. Finally, The Nutt Bowl (or the Giggity Bowl) ended with Ole Miss beating Arkansas as edsbs.com said: "eleventy to tangerine."
Some changes here coming down the pipes tomorrow.
You may disagree with who is number 1 or number 4, but you can't disagree that this season is going to be either super crazy awesome or terribly depressing.
(1) Florida sleepwalked through Starkville to beat Mississippi State. Yes, Florida only won by 10, but consider this: Florida had 4 trips into the redzone. One was a missed FG, one was a FG, one was a TD and one was a 100 yard long pick 6. This says two things: UF's redzone offense is confuzzled and this game should have been a blowout and a half. Subtract 7 from the Bulldogs, throw up 18 points and you would have had a disemboweling. But football is not a "would have" game. As a result Florida is still in a fog and they may not be so lucky down the road.
(2) Alabama's offense, like Florida's, is in trouble. Tennessee played a great defensive gameplan and barring their kicking game completely tanking, the Vols would have won. But again, football is not a "would have" game. Alabama's defense continues is smothering of all opponents, but like Florida, their offense is not something to be proud of.
In lighter news (3) Texas embarrassed Missouri at home. I think that this is the final blow in the Mizzou hope train that started in 2007 when they were at one point #1 (and Kansas was like #5). It's a tough and unpleasant path back to mediocrity, Mizzou, but you had a good run while it lasted. The Longhorns Offense looked good again, but it was the defense that opened eyes. A Texas team with a little defense is a scary idea.
(4) Boise State continued its march to an undefeated season and thus blood raining from the skies in December. Hawai'i is back to mediocrity now that the June Jones effect pulled up its stakes and is at SMU... who is probably going to make a bowl game. It should be noted that Boise State in the BCS championship game with be the end of the terrible tyranny of the system, but note that in order get rid of it, we must effectively allow the system to shit the bed. This year shitting the bed would be a doomsday scenario of Boise State-Cincy playing in championship game.
Raise your hand if you thought (5) Cincinnati would still be undefeated in late October. (Raises his hand) Cincy is a good team. No doubts there. Are they the number 5 team in the country? Probably not. Is Boise State the 4th best team in the country? Definitely not. Yet here we are. The Bearcats obliterated Loovil moving them closer to an undefeated season.
While we are on nightmare undefeateds, let's talk about (6) Iowa winning their second game on the last play of the game in the most improbable of circumstances. Give Michigan State credit, they played a great defensive game and that hook and ladder at the end of the game to set up the "supposed to be" winning TD was a decision made with balls of a titanium-osmium alloy. But seriously, Iowa was bailed out on a few bad calls and MSU inexplicably blitzing 7(!) on their own seven yard line with 3 seconds left. I applaud not going to the prevent defense, but seriously, a SEVEN BLITZ!?!? The cornerback stood no chance.
So here we are. We could have 6 unbeatens at the end of the season: UF/Bama, Iowa, Boise State, Texas and TCU. 6 teams, only 2 slots in the NC game, what could solve this? Oh... A PLAYOFF!
The rest of the Top 25:
(7) USC survived Oregon State, but by the well tanned skins of their teeth. Listen, USC is in a down year. There is no way a logical person could argue otherwise. They always have an excuse for their in conference losses, but they lost to Washington and this time Oregon State was a long play away from beating them.
(8) TCU bravely walked into Mormon land and soundly crushed (16) BYU. This game was never really close and TCU's only resistance on the way out is Utah in a few weeks. The BCS is in trouble... don't know if you got that just yet.
(9) LSU handed Auburn another loss to continue Auburn course correction back to being .500. LSU, if they can beat Alabama in 2 weeks becomes the driver in the SEC West car. If LSU beats Alabama, they will go to the SEC Championship game and if they beat Gators. Hello, NC game.
Clemson walked down to (10) Miami and won in overtime. Clemson, it has been determined, is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you'll get. Sometimes they'll knock off a top 10 team on the road and next week they may lose at home to Coastal Carolina. Miami is similar yet they are hinged on what Jacory Harris wears to the game. Gucci, win. Versace, close win. Ferragamo, HA! You can buy that at a department store. Definite loss.
(11) Oregon demolished Washington, reminding UW that beating USC was a product of their own inconsistency and how USC is terribly overrated.
(12) Georgia Tech beat Virginia during Virginia's annual "Biblical Flood Re-creation Day." Seriously, the 8 bit RAYCOM sports feed had this game looking like it was a night game, except that the game was played at high noon.
(13) Penn State went to Ann Arbor, took Michigan behind a shed, told them to cut them a stick and then whacked them for 4 straight hours. Michigan provided endless comedy with their self caused safety. The center snapped the ball in the shotgun in their own endzone not over Tate Forcier's head, but to this side. The ball of course zoomed out of the back of the endzone. Before the ball even hit the ground, the center turned around to Tate Forcier and started berating him. Forcier curled into the fetal position and began to sob. Penn State got the ball back and immediately threw a 60 yard TD pass. (Full disclosure: Only one of those things were fake).
(15) Oklahoma State destroyed Baylor who honestly deserved it. Did you see those uniforms? Yeah, they deserved it.
(17) Houston took care of SMU. They needed a big in conference win to prove that they aren't just another small conference team who shouldn't be ranked this high and are only ranked this high because they beat a big time team or two yet they still lost an in-conference game and now must beat everyone by 458679 just to look good. That almost made sense.
It took overtime, but (18) Utah took out Air Force. Unpatriotic. Why does Utah hate America?
(19) Ohio State finally had a good game again a conference opponent. The Terrelle Pryor Overrated Watch Sponsored by Green Day has been slightly upgraded from "Kate Hudson" to "Capri Sun Juices." Pryor ran 15 times, had barely a 50% completion percentage and still threw a pick against a woeful Minnesota defense. It's funny that only now did people in Columbus start questioning the Sweatervest. Forget the big game failures... it was a loss to Purdue that did it. Not unlike what happened to Ron Zook at Florida... a loss at Mississippi State was the death knell.
(20) Pitt continues the trend of building up their hopes only to be dashed because their coach is Dave Wannstadt. Also, the USF annual slide is hitting on all cylinders.
(22) Arizona turned the ball over 5 times, but they still beat UCLA in the standard Pac-10 default score of 27-13.
(23) West Virginia showed a remarkable amount of class in honoring UCONN's fallen teammate before the game. Well played West Virginia. And then they quietly and politely disposed of UCONN in a close game.
(24) South Carolina nearly lost again to Vandy. When Spurrier was at Florida, it was a yearly event. Spurrier would double whatever Vandy would get total by the first half. Then last year he lost and this year he barely beat them. I think he is going to leave the Gamecocks. Honestly. They won't fire him, he will just not show up for work for a day... or 50.
Did you ever think you'd see the day where (25) Kansas would be ranked and Oklahoma would not be and they would play? I sure didn't. But if it ever did happen, I would have guessed that Oklahoma win the game in that weird scenario 35-10. I was wrong. OU won 35-13.
The rest of everything:
Don't ask how, but Florida State beat UNC. Don't ask how, but DUKE BEAT MARYLAND (LOLZ!) Notre Dame finally beat Boston College. Navy beat Wake... USA USA USA. Iowa State beat Nebraska in a laugher 9-7. Colorado continues its quest to fire Dan Hawkins by losing to Kansas State. Texas A&M shocked every human being alive by brutally crushing TTech... the line from Vegas was TTech -21.5 and the difference was 22 point so when I looked in my pick'em league, I thought I had won because I took the Red Raiders. Rutgers soundly beat Army (boooo!). Syracuse beat Akron in a game that was way closer than it should have been. Northwestern was down by 25 at one point, but luckily they were playing Indiana. In a terrible game that ESPN gave to Pam Ward to cover (snoozefest), Purdue beat Illinois. Cal will be ranked next week as they blew up Washington State. Stanford is now a game away from a bowl while Arizona State is now a loss or two away from firing Dennis Erickson. Kentucky destroyed Louisiana-Monroe. Finally, The Nutt Bowl (or the Giggity Bowl) ended with Ole Miss beating Arkansas as edsbs.com said: "eleventy to tangerine."
Some changes here coming down the pipes tomorrow.
Friday, October 23, 2009
The beginning of the end...
by Slate Quicksilver
In 1997 I lost a friend. They weren't a good friend, in my lifetime they only made the playoffs a few times. I was 1,100 miles away from their homebase and the national media outlets treated them as if they didn't exist even though the national media outlet who could have shown them was located only 20 miles away. That fact was made even more of a mockery because ESPN was originally created to televise Connecticut based teams. Hartford's success in the mid-80s lead to ESPN getting more subscriptions on cable thus giving ESPN success. This success for the network lead to them ditching their regional coverage and then eventually turning their backs when Hartford had their hockey team stolen from them. I was crushed. Carolina was getting a team even though most of their residents thought icing belonged on cakes. Time has healed this wound... so has a Stanley Cup. But that could have and should have been in Hartford.
Until about 6 months ago, it was looking like I was going to lost another friend. The Florida Marlins do have fans (occasionally), but a terrible stadium location and revolving door at every single position coupled with an owner whose idol is the Scrooge, the team was almost certain to move. But a late minute agreement on a new stadium saved baseball in south Florida. This new stadium will remedy the problem of having empty stands and a lack of regular and established players by replacing them with a new stadium filled with empty stands and lack of good established.
Now begins another time when I may lose another friend. It is no secret that the Jacksonville Jaguars are having trouble putting butts in the stands. A terrible economy in the local area plus a mediocre team combined with fan apathy is wrecking this team. Small market NFL football was the plan in the mid-90s. The USFL's (circa mid 80s) success in Jacksonville was one of the leading factors for giving Jacksonville a team over places like Oklahoma City or Las Vegas. But putting the 4th largest stadium in the 3rd smallest market was a recipe for disaster. The Jags had early success, they went to the AFC championship game in their 2nd year. They were ridiculously good for 6 years making the playoffs 5 of those years and getting to 2 AFC championship games. But a lack of success, dwindling support and a free falling economy has killed them. You probably already know all of their home games are likely to be blacked out. However this is the death knell. Now begins the courtship between the city L.A. and Bills, Vikings, Rams, Raiders, 49ers, Chargers and (of course) the Jaguars.
Let's break it down: The Bills may do a time-share with Toronto if it ever gets really bad there. The Vikings moving is a joke because they still have great fan support and the bargaining chip of new stadium potential since the Twins and U of Minny just got new digs. The Rams will certainly not move from St. Louis... Rush Limbaugh or not. Let's laugh at the thought of the 49ers, Chargers moving. Then we continue our laugh and turn it into hysterical laughter when we think of the Raiders (who just sunk eleventy billion dollars in Oakland's county). Then we have the Jags.
Let's face it, kids, the Jags are moving to the city of Angels. It is written. The second that the stadium finishes being built, the Jags will move in. It's a shame too. L.A. lost two teams... why?... BECAUSE THEY NEGLECTED THOSE TEAMS THE SECOND THEY WERE BAD. Now what does that sound like? Oh, right. JACKSONVILLE!
Whatever your politics are, you can't disagree that the jobs the new stadium will create is a good thing. A 150 million bond issue (passing the buck, basically) plus taxes and the like is a risky venture seeing as California has been tapped out when it comes to money because their is just too many people, not enough tax revenue (CA Republicans fault thanks to tax breaks for the rich) and the fact that everyone and their mother gets government handouts (CA democrats fault thanks to being free spending liberals). Getting a team will get a huge tax payer in the state and the revenue and what not from the team and stadium could really help the state. But I don't want my team to move. I picked 4 teams when I was younger and learning about sports and building allegiances. The Whalers, the Marlins, the Jags and the Heat. 1 moved, 1 dodged a moving bullet, one is going to move and I don't give a shit about NBA basketball until the playoffs.
You may think that you, the individual reader, think you have it tough as a fan. Cleveland fans had it terrible. Detroit fans would have it the worst if the Red Wings weren't so good. Seattle fans are way up there. But what about me? The guy whose teams always fucking move?
I need a drink.
In 1997 I lost a friend. They weren't a good friend, in my lifetime they only made the playoffs a few times. I was 1,100 miles away from their homebase and the national media outlets treated them as if they didn't exist even though the national media outlet who could have shown them was located only 20 miles away. That fact was made even more of a mockery because ESPN was originally created to televise Connecticut based teams. Hartford's success in the mid-80s lead to ESPN getting more subscriptions on cable thus giving ESPN success. This success for the network lead to them ditching their regional coverage and then eventually turning their backs when Hartford had their hockey team stolen from them. I was crushed. Carolina was getting a team even though most of their residents thought icing belonged on cakes. Time has healed this wound... so has a Stanley Cup. But that could have and should have been in Hartford.
Until about 6 months ago, it was looking like I was going to lost another friend. The Florida Marlins do have fans (occasionally), but a terrible stadium location and revolving door at every single position coupled with an owner whose idol is the Scrooge, the team was almost certain to move. But a late minute agreement on a new stadium saved baseball in south Florida. This new stadium will remedy the problem of having empty stands and a lack of regular and established players by replacing them with a new stadium filled with empty stands and lack of good established.
Now begins another time when I may lose another friend. It is no secret that the Jacksonville Jaguars are having trouble putting butts in the stands. A terrible economy in the local area plus a mediocre team combined with fan apathy is wrecking this team. Small market NFL football was the plan in the mid-90s. The USFL's (circa mid 80s) success in Jacksonville was one of the leading factors for giving Jacksonville a team over places like Oklahoma City or Las Vegas. But putting the 4th largest stadium in the 3rd smallest market was a recipe for disaster. The Jags had early success, they went to the AFC championship game in their 2nd year. They were ridiculously good for 6 years making the playoffs 5 of those years and getting to 2 AFC championship games. But a lack of success, dwindling support and a free falling economy has killed them. You probably already know all of their home games are likely to be blacked out. However this is the death knell. Now begins the courtship between the city L.A. and Bills, Vikings, Rams, Raiders, 49ers, Chargers and (of course) the Jaguars.
Let's break it down: The Bills may do a time-share with Toronto if it ever gets really bad there. The Vikings moving is a joke because they still have great fan support and the bargaining chip of new stadium potential since the Twins and U of Minny just got new digs. The Rams will certainly not move from St. Louis... Rush Limbaugh or not. Let's laugh at the thought of the 49ers, Chargers moving. Then we continue our laugh and turn it into hysterical laughter when we think of the Raiders (who just sunk eleventy billion dollars in Oakland's county). Then we have the Jags.
Let's face it, kids, the Jags are moving to the city of Angels. It is written. The second that the stadium finishes being built, the Jags will move in. It's a shame too. L.A. lost two teams... why?... BECAUSE THEY NEGLECTED THOSE TEAMS THE SECOND THEY WERE BAD. Now what does that sound like? Oh, right. JACKSONVILLE!
Whatever your politics are, you can't disagree that the jobs the new stadium will create is a good thing. A 150 million bond issue (passing the buck, basically) plus taxes and the like is a risky venture seeing as California has been tapped out when it comes to money because their is just too many people, not enough tax revenue (CA Republicans fault thanks to tax breaks for the rich) and the fact that everyone and their mother gets government handouts (CA democrats fault thanks to being free spending liberals). Getting a team will get a huge tax payer in the state and the revenue and what not from the team and stadium could really help the state. But I don't want my team to move. I picked 4 teams when I was younger and learning about sports and building allegiances. The Whalers, the Marlins, the Jags and the Heat. 1 moved, 1 dodged a moving bullet, one is going to move and I don't give a shit about NBA basketball until the playoffs.
You may think that you, the individual reader, think you have it tough as a fan. Cleveland fans had it terrible. Detroit fans would have it the worst if the Red Wings weren't so good. Seattle fans are way up there. But what about me? The guy whose teams always fucking move?
I need a drink.
Sorry Folks
by Slate Quicksilver
Due to a massive influx of work, the site was unable to post anything. So in apology for that, we at PLS promise you several articles. This first one isn't necessarily about sports or food, but it certainly is enjoyable.
Finland, instructional video, disco, white pants. Awesomeness.
We'll be back in a bit to talk about the beginning of the end of the Jacksonville Jaguars' existence.
Due to a massive influx of work, the site was unable to post anything. So in apology for that, we at PLS promise you several articles. This first one isn't necessarily about sports or food, but it certainly is enjoyable.
Finland, instructional video, disco, white pants. Awesomeness.
We'll be back in a bit to talk about the beginning of the end of the Jacksonville Jaguars' existence.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tony Siragusa: Terrible Human Being
Some mysteries still elude the intelligence of the collective human race. What is dark matter? Why are we here? Who let the dogs out? Among other similar scale questions, there is one that may never be solved. Why is Tony Siragusa still on TV?
You know him. He's the fat loud guy who either won't fit in a telecast booth or is so disliked by his "colleagues" that they don't want to even be near him on the FOX D-team oh Kenny Albert and Daryl Johnston. Previously, he was on the FOX A-team with Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. He prowled the sidelines somehow giving us "proper football insight" that the guys in the booth didn't see. Only, instead of "football insight" he would say absolutely traffic stoppingly stupid. He would cut in on the play-by-play action (you know... the stuff you have the sound on for) and say something in his terrible Jersey accent: "Man I tell you guys, the offensive line is getting away with some holding calls. If I were playing there'd be a chopblock or two thrown." This would be followed with arbitrary and faked guffaws from the color guy.
He once cut in and made enough of a show to get the camera feed on him (rather the game) so he could say: "Hey! Hey! Guys! Look how cold it is down here! ::breathes out heavily to show his breath twice:: See!? It's cold! ::breathes two more times::" The camera missed a 14 yard pass play for a significant first down. Another time he did an impression of William Hung. Yet another time he told a fan national TV that he had won a truck and the fan was so happy he began to cry just have fat man give him a hot wheel car. Lawsuits were issued.
So yes, you know him. This begs the question, how is this man still on TV? He is terrible, useless in terms of the telecast and makes you dumber for hearing him talk. Moreover, how did he get on TV? He was a terrible football player. 562 total tackles in 12 seasons. And wow... he won a Super Bowl. Guess who else did? Trent Dilfer. ON THE SAME TEAM. Does this moron having a superbowl make him any more qualified to walk on the sidelines interrupting the announcers to tell us that the losing squad isn't playing well on this particular day anymore than a chocolate labrador?
You may be thinking: "Geez, Slate. I've wanted him banished from the NFL for years. Why lay in to him now?" Well first off, this has been a festering hatred. I haven't liked this guy in a long time. In the 2001 AFC championship game he injured Rich Gannon with a cheap shot. That was my intro to this no-name football player. But since then, he has become more visible and thus more annoying. It's not just that Siragusa is a complete moron who is basically a 400 pound mosquito. Siragusa is one of many "that guys." There are many types of "guys." There is "Guy who always talks about his NCAA brackets even in July Guy" and there is "40+ year old who owns a Corvette/Camaro with a vanity plate with something like 'SPD4ME' or 'BRNOUT' Guy." Tony Siragusa is "Overly emotive fat guy who always must be correct and always gets the laugh word no matter what despite being 50 IQ points dumber than the average person in the room Guy." The worst thing you could ever do with this particular guy is to give him a soapbox and maybe even a little bit of knowledge.
Example: Detroit was playing Green Bay this past week and getting crushed. There was a face mask on the Packers. Daryl Johnston said something about facemasks. Tony Siragusa launched in to one of those diatribes hot heads have that went on long enough to pour into Kenny Albert being so rude as to attempt to call the play by play. Siragusa was still going as Albert was calling a 4 yard run off tackle by Kevin Smith.
Someday Siragusa will be taken off the TeeVee. It will be a glorious day. But again, we must wonder how the hell he got their in the first place. If anyone has any idea at all, I would love to know. If we can diagnose the problem, we can eliminate it. I will be able to sleep better knowing that the worst TV "personality" of all time will be gone.
You know him. He's the fat loud guy who either won't fit in a telecast booth or is so disliked by his "colleagues" that they don't want to even be near him on the FOX D-team oh Kenny Albert and Daryl Johnston. Previously, he was on the FOX A-team with Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. He prowled the sidelines somehow giving us "proper football insight" that the guys in the booth didn't see. Only, instead of "football insight" he would say absolutely traffic stoppingly stupid. He would cut in on the play-by-play action (you know... the stuff you have the sound on for) and say something in his terrible Jersey accent: "Man I tell you guys, the offensive line is getting away with some holding calls. If I were playing there'd be a chopblock or two thrown." This would be followed with arbitrary and faked guffaws from the color guy.
He once cut in and made enough of a show to get the camera feed on him (rather the game) so he could say: "Hey! Hey! Guys! Look how cold it is down here! ::breathes out heavily to show his breath twice:: See!? It's cold! ::breathes two more times::" The camera missed a 14 yard pass play for a significant first down. Another time he did an impression of William Hung. Yet another time he told a fan national TV that he had won a truck and the fan was so happy he began to cry just have fat man give him a hot wheel car. Lawsuits were issued.
So yes, you know him. This begs the question, how is this man still on TV? He is terrible, useless in terms of the telecast and makes you dumber for hearing him talk. Moreover, how did he get on TV? He was a terrible football player. 562 total tackles in 12 seasons. And wow... he won a Super Bowl. Guess who else did? Trent Dilfer. ON THE SAME TEAM. Does this moron having a superbowl make him any more qualified to walk on the sidelines interrupting the announcers to tell us that the losing squad isn't playing well on this particular day anymore than a chocolate labrador?
You may be thinking: "Geez, Slate. I've wanted him banished from the NFL for years. Why lay in to him now?" Well first off, this has been a festering hatred. I haven't liked this guy in a long time. In the 2001 AFC championship game he injured Rich Gannon with a cheap shot. That was my intro to this no-name football player. But since then, he has become more visible and thus more annoying. It's not just that Siragusa is a complete moron who is basically a 400 pound mosquito. Siragusa is one of many "that guys." There are many types of "guys." There is "Guy who always talks about his NCAA brackets even in July Guy" and there is "40+ year old who owns a Corvette/Camaro with a vanity plate with something like 'SPD4ME' or 'BRNOUT' Guy." Tony Siragusa is "Overly emotive fat guy who always must be correct and always gets the laugh word no matter what despite being 50 IQ points dumber than the average person in the room Guy." The worst thing you could ever do with this particular guy is to give him a soapbox and maybe even a little bit of knowledge.
Example: Detroit was playing Green Bay this past week and getting crushed. There was a face mask on the Packers. Daryl Johnston said something about facemasks. Tony Siragusa launched in to one of those diatribes hot heads have that went on long enough to pour into Kenny Albert being so rude as to attempt to call the play by play. Siragusa was still going as Albert was calling a 4 yard run off tackle by Kevin Smith.
Someday Siragusa will be taken off the TeeVee. It will be a glorious day. But again, we must wonder how the hell he got their in the first place. If anyone has any idea at all, I would love to know. If we can diagnose the problem, we can eliminate it. I will be able to sleep better knowing that the worst TV "personality" of all time will be gone.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
World Cup Qualifying? Here?
by Slate Quicksilver
Yes, friends, World Cup qualifying updates are here. Well, sort of. 23 teams already have qualified. Some are the obvious ones who will probably be great next summer: Brazil, England, Germany Spain... and others will get steamrolled due to obvious reasons: North Korea, Honduras. In Europe, where eleventy billion teams get to qualify for the World Cup, they are in the last stages of qualifying. Four spots remain, 8 teams want to get in. Potlucksports rocks the knowledge on this using logic, military history and preconceived notions about each country to ascertain who will get in and who won't. And yes, stereotypes will be tossed around like coupons at a Bar Mitzvah.
Europe takes 9 groups and all the winners of those groups move on. The 2nd place teams (except one loser... this time's loser: NORWAY) get thrown into a lottery wherein FIFA world ranking gives you balls in a pot or something and then basically the good teams usually play the not as good teams and they move on. WTF? No BCS? No AP poll or Harris Poll or Sagarin ranking? The teams play a home and home next month and then BAM we have the last people to qualify.
Matchup Number 1:
Ireland vs. France
Ireland:
Military: Not much here, sadly. The problem they have is that they were subjugated by the British for centuries and then never really fought in a war. They became independent early in the 20th Century, but they didn't fight in WWII. They were neutral. So we must go outside the box and remember Boondock Saints, that pretty little movie wherein two Irish ex-pats go bonkers on the Italian and Russian mobs and look badass doing it.
6 out of 10
Stereotype:
If they are Irish, they will be drunk at the game. No question there. Soccer usually requires an amount of coordination, so this could be an issue.
5 out of 10
France:
Military:
HA! France? Military?!!? Let's dig into the old joke book:
How many men does it take to successfully defend Paris?
None, it's never been done before!
How do you stop the famed French Cavalry?
Pull the plug on the carousel!
Why don't they have fireworks at EuroDisney in France?
Everytime they shot them off, the French would try to surrender!
Why does the new French Navy have glass bottoms?
To see the old French Navy!
-249 out of 10
Stereotype:
Snooty, self-important, lack of proper hygiene, wine > beer, general distaste for anyone not French (except this guy for some reason).
8 out of 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that IRELAND WILL WIN.
Portugal vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina:
Portugal:
Military:
Once a world power in terms of trading and shipping, but they were stupid enough to fall for the old "Line of Demarcation Made Up by the Pope" trick. They gave up most of North America back in the late 1400s to Spain... before it even was cool to strip the land of its resources and kill off or subjugate the indigenous people. Even worse, the Pope who oversaw and pushed the treaty through was SPANISH! Idiots.
1 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Not much here, really. However their soccer players are the punk ass bitches of the soccer universe. They flop if a player comes within 1 inch of them, they act as if their legs are being run over by a steamroller if it is just slightly windy outside, and they are just generally not nice people.
4 out of 10
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Military:
Before we get all Pro-US, we must recognize that it was a UN effort to obliterate the Bosnian rebels back in the mid 90s. So we will lay off the "USA USA USA" chants for now. It should be noted that one of their own did start WWI by assassinating some guy over who was going to leave the tip or something... though that may have been Davy Crockett. History is not this author's best topic.
2 out of 10
Stereotypes:
None that are known to Americans other than the FACT THAT WE KICKED THEIR ASS IN THE MID 90s! USA! USA! USA! ALL THE WAY! ALL THE WAY!
1 out of 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that Portugal WILL WIN. But we hate them.
Greece vs. Ukraine:
Greece:
Military:
Way to just roll over in WWII, Greece. I mean seriously. The allies had Eastern Mediterranean on lockdown and then you guys had to fold just because Nazi's were parachuting on you. Big whoop. You used to be something. You were Greece! You had the Spartans! Come on, Greece! And Alexander the Great, all he did was wreck people's shit all the way from the Balkan Peninsula to India! Oh wait, what's that? He was from Macedonia. Oh... ouch. Macedonia is its own country these days. That's a few point deduction.
Military:
6 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Hairy, bullish, gyros, tzatziki sauce and way to many letters in their words.
3 out of 10
Ukraine:
Military:
Depends on how you want to go. They have been part of the Mongol Empire (seriously good +8) Russia (very good +6), the Ottoman Empire (sorta good +3) and Poland (the worst ever even including France -9). But they were part of Poland for only a few years.
8 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Not all that many. I once had a teacher from the Ukraine. He was a good guy with a weird sense of humor. We "Americanized" him by teaching him slang and it culminated in taking him to a baseball game.
0 out 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that GREECE WILL WIN. Then again, it is written.
Russia vs. Slovenia:
Russia:
Military:
Ummm... it's Russia. Russia doesn't play with anyone. That's why they invented the Tsar Bomba. Bitches don't fuck wid Russia.
11 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Drunk, Communist, Beard, Stalin, bad space program and vodka
8 out of 10
After computing the scores we have decided that RUSSIA WILL WIN.
So Ireland, Portugal, Greece and Russia will all go on to the World Cup. Then we will do more stereotypes later on to predict the winner of the World Cup thanks to the easy steps we just used.
Yes, friends, World Cup qualifying updates are here. Well, sort of. 23 teams already have qualified. Some are the obvious ones who will probably be great next summer: Brazil, England, Germany Spain... and others will get steamrolled due to obvious reasons: North Korea, Honduras. In Europe, where eleventy billion teams get to qualify for the World Cup, they are in the last stages of qualifying. Four spots remain, 8 teams want to get in. Potlucksports rocks the knowledge on this using logic, military history and preconceived notions about each country to ascertain who will get in and who won't. And yes, stereotypes will be tossed around like coupons at a Bar Mitzvah.
Europe takes 9 groups and all the winners of those groups move on. The 2nd place teams (except one loser... this time's loser: NORWAY) get thrown into a lottery wherein FIFA world ranking gives you balls in a pot or something and then basically the good teams usually play the not as good teams and they move on. WTF? No BCS? No AP poll or Harris Poll or Sagarin ranking? The teams play a home and home next month and then BAM we have the last people to qualify.
Matchup Number 1:
Ireland vs. France
Ireland:
Military: Not much here, sadly. The problem they have is that they were subjugated by the British for centuries and then never really fought in a war. They became independent early in the 20th Century, but they didn't fight in WWII. They were neutral. So we must go outside the box and remember Boondock Saints, that pretty little movie wherein two Irish ex-pats go bonkers on the Italian and Russian mobs and look badass doing it.
6 out of 10
Stereotype:
If they are Irish, they will be drunk at the game. No question there. Soccer usually requires an amount of coordination, so this could be an issue.
5 out of 10
France:
Military:
HA! France? Military?!!? Let's dig into the old joke book:
How many men does it take to successfully defend Paris?
None, it's never been done before!
How do you stop the famed French Cavalry?
Pull the plug on the carousel!
Why don't they have fireworks at EuroDisney in France?
Everytime they shot them off, the French would try to surrender!
Why does the new French Navy have glass bottoms?
To see the old French Navy!
-249 out of 10
Stereotype:
Snooty, self-important, lack of proper hygiene, wine > beer, general distaste for anyone not French (except this guy for some reason).
8 out of 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that IRELAND WILL WIN.
Portugal vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina:
Portugal:
Military:
Once a world power in terms of trading and shipping, but they were stupid enough to fall for the old "Line of Demarcation Made Up by the Pope" trick. They gave up most of North America back in the late 1400s to Spain... before it even was cool to strip the land of its resources and kill off or subjugate the indigenous people. Even worse, the Pope who oversaw and pushed the treaty through was SPANISH! Idiots.
1 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Not much here, really. However their soccer players are the punk ass bitches of the soccer universe. They flop if a player comes within 1 inch of them, they act as if their legs are being run over by a steamroller if it is just slightly windy outside, and they are just generally not nice people.
4 out of 10
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Military:
Before we get all Pro-US, we must recognize that it was a UN effort to obliterate the Bosnian rebels back in the mid 90s. So we will lay off the "USA USA USA" chants for now. It should be noted that one of their own did start WWI by assassinating some guy over who was going to leave the tip or something... though that may have been Davy Crockett. History is not this author's best topic.
2 out of 10
Stereotypes:
None that are known to Americans other than the FACT THAT WE KICKED THEIR ASS IN THE MID 90s! USA! USA! USA! ALL THE WAY! ALL THE WAY!
1 out of 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that Portugal WILL WIN. But we hate them.
Greece vs. Ukraine:
Greece:
Military:
Way to just roll over in WWII, Greece. I mean seriously. The allies had Eastern Mediterranean on lockdown and then you guys had to fold just because Nazi's were parachuting on you. Big whoop. You used to be something. You were Greece! You had the Spartans! Come on, Greece! And Alexander the Great, all he did was wreck people's shit all the way from the Balkan Peninsula to India! Oh wait, what's that? He was from Macedonia. Oh... ouch. Macedonia is its own country these days. That's a few point deduction.
Military:
6 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Hairy, bullish, gyros, tzatziki sauce and way to many letters in their words.
3 out of 10
Ukraine:
Military:
Depends on how you want to go. They have been part of the Mongol Empire (seriously good +8) Russia (very good +6), the Ottoman Empire (sorta good +3) and Poland (the worst ever even including France -9). But they were part of Poland for only a few years.
8 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Not all that many. I once had a teacher from the Ukraine. He was a good guy with a weird sense of humor. We "Americanized" him by teaching him slang and it culminated in taking him to a baseball game.
0 out 10
So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that GREECE WILL WIN. Then again, it is written.
Russia vs. Slovenia:
Russia:
Military:
Ummm... it's Russia. Russia doesn't play with anyone. That's why they invented the Tsar Bomba. Bitches don't fuck wid Russia.
11 out of 10
Stereotypes:
Drunk, Communist, Beard, Stalin, bad space program and vodka
8 out of 10
After computing the scores we have decided that RUSSIA WILL WIN.
So Ireland, Portugal, Greece and Russia will all go on to the World Cup. Then we will do more stereotypes later on to predict the winner of the World Cup thanks to the easy steps we just used.
Monday, October 19, 2009
WNBA: The Punishment Roadshow
by: Slate and Red
The WNBA’s Detroit Shock reportedly are leaving Detroit for Tulsa Oklahoma, which begs the question what did Tulsa ever do to the Shock to deserve this punishment. Tulsa is probably a nice town but just because the Thunder are doing well in the NBA doesn't mean that a WNBA team (which does bad everywhere) will do well with a regular fan base. The Thunder, by the way, are expected to take a hit this year and next year because their team will suck and the honeymoon will be over as that "new team" smell will turn to toxic sludge because THEY STOLE A TEAM FROM A PROUD CITY. Anyway the Detroit Shock are supposed to be one of the better franchises in Women's Association, this cannot be good for a league who has been hemorrhaging money for the last decade. If not for the fact that the NBA doles out more money than today's Congress (rimshot)the WNBA would have folded years ago.
Now we must go to an old standby:
YAY! They wear uniforms just like the men!
The WNBA’s Detroit Shock reportedly are leaving Detroit for Tulsa Oklahoma, which begs the question what did Tulsa ever do to the Shock to deserve this punishment. Tulsa is probably a nice town but just because the Thunder are doing well in the NBA doesn't mean that a WNBA team (which does bad everywhere) will do well with a regular fan base. The Thunder, by the way, are expected to take a hit this year and next year because their team will suck and the honeymoon will be over as that "new team" smell will turn to toxic sludge because THEY STOLE A TEAM FROM A PROUD CITY. Anyway the Detroit Shock are supposed to be one of the better franchises in Women's Association, this cannot be good for a league who has been hemorrhaging money for the last decade. If not for the fact that the NBA doles out more money than today's Congress (rimshot)the WNBA would have folded years ago.
Now we must go to an old standby:
YAY! They wear uniforms just like the men!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Exclusive!!!!! Joe Paterno's Secret Weapon
by Our Well Placed Informant
We here at PLS are happy to roll out our first exclusive. With such an opportunity, we do not disappoint. After doing some world class sleuthing, we have ascertained the secret to Joe Paterno's successful longevity at Penn State.
Scholars, scientists, football players, analysts and fans have all wondered how JoePa has been able to relate to generations and generations of kids. He survived the hippie-dippie 60s, the disco 70s, the terrible 80s, the completely lame 90s and he is a few weeks from finishing off the WTF 00s. Kids have changed so JoePa needed to as well. Decades of wisdom and knowledge are important, but so is a book telling you how to be cool. And let's face it, knowing how to draw up a Power O off tackle with flawless blocking angles in your sleep is good. But knowing how to relate to the kids with their "rapper" music and the baggie pants... well... that's just swell.
Scholars, scientists, football players, analysts and fans have all wondered how JoePa has been able to relate to generations and generations of kids. He survived the hippie-dippie 60s, the disco 70s, the terrible 80s, the completely lame 90s and he is a few weeks from finishing off the WTF 00s. Kids have changed so JoePa needed to as well. Decades of wisdom and knowledge are important, but so is a book telling you how to be cool. And let's face it, knowing how to draw up a Power O off tackle with flawless blocking angles in your sleep is good. But knowing how to relate to the kids with their "rapper" music and the baggie pants... well... that's just swell.
Final Word for College Football Week 7
By Slate Quicksilver
Big games in the college ranks this week. Some teams rolled, others got rolled. The top 10 saw 2 teams fall and 4 teams dodge bullets. College football is certainly in full swing now.
(1) Florida sleepwalked through Arkansas and barely survived. It is true that Arkansas missed 2 FGs (UF missed one) and really Florida's defense is the sole reason they won this game. A hyper-conservative offense and 4 FUMBLES were big contributors in the Razorback upset bid. Credit the Hogs for getting to Tebow all day, but credit the Gators for learning from last year's Ole Miss debacle and not abandoning the run. Florida has fallen to #2 (no shocker...) but it isn't like Alabama crushed South Carolina...
In fact if you took away (2) Alabama's early pick 6, South Carolina was in striking distance for the entire game. The Tide's offense carried solely by Mark Ingram's decision to bulldoze any and all people who opposed him... he rushed for 246 yards on only 24 carries! Stephen Garcia was his normal erratic self, going 20/46 with that pick six, but he played admirably. It was the Gamecocks lack of running the ball to get important first downs that killed them.
If you are keeping score at home, Alabama has allowed 24, 14, 7, 7, 20, 3 and 6 points this year. Florida has allowed 3, 6, 13, 7, 3 and 20 point this year. If both teams play in the SEC Championship game and if both teams' offensive and defensive trends stay the same (mediocre offenses, pants-soiling causing defenses) the SECCG will be an 8-6 defense-fest.
(3) Texas nearly got clipped by (20) Oklahoma despite re-killing Sam Bradford early. 8 turnovers really muddied this game and Colt McCoy didn't go nuts as expected. The biggest stat was OU's complete embarrassment of a running game. They had a grand total of -16 rushing yards. This forced OU backup Landry Jones to try to pass his way to the victory. That did not happen. (Side note: Colt McCoy vs. Landry Jones is probably the best matchup of QB names the BigXII has ever seen. Colt McCoy... good Texas name. Landry Jones... Tom Landry + Jerry Jones!?!?! If those aren't perfect names for BigXII powerhouse teams' QBs... I don't know what is.)
(4) Virginia Tech got smacked down by (19) Georgia Tech in Hotlanta. Tyrod Taylor was not horrible and neither was the Va Tech running game. But GT's triple option went bananas rushing for 309 yards. VT D-coordinator Bud Foster's head exploded after the game destroying all buildings within a .75 mile radius. GT, channeling their inner 1940s stat line, threw a total of 7 times. It really has to be noted that other than Miami, GT's offense has run everyone over this year stopping only to clear dead bodies out of the wheels wells on occasion.
(5) Boise State on Wednesday(?) held on to stave off a late charge by Tulsa. It is at this point that we, as a people, must come to the realization that BSU is going to coast to an undefeated season. Yes, we talked about the potential of this doomsday scenario at the beginning of the year, but we thought that surely Oregon would take care of them (stupid Ducks) and that maybe either Fresno State or Tulsa could trip them. They now have a straight and undisturbed torpedo run on an undefeated season lined up. Will this finally be the year that a team like Boise State crashes the championship game? We know between Florida and Alabama there will be a loss and Texas is not in the clear just yet. This is going to be an interesting second half of the year.
Rest of the Top 25:
(6) USC did not obliterate (25) Notre Dame as 97% of the country had hoped. Credit Front Butt with cooking up a good offensive game plan and not eating it before the band finished the national anthem. This killed the Irish's last gasp at getting to a BCS game and may have sealed Front Butt's pink slip. This also raises questions about USC, who supposedly a team made of world-beaters and ninja robot assassins. This site makes no bones about it. ND is VERY OVERRATED due to several games they SHOULD HAVE LOST BUT DIDN'T DUE TO RIDICULOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. USC should have brutalized them, but couldn't. This suggests that it may be a down year in Trojanland.
(7) Ohio State finally lost an in-conference game to... BWAHAHAHAHA... Purdue. 5 turnovers slit the Buckeye's wrists and Purdue's place kicker might have made himself a nice paycheck in the NFL making a 55 yarder and went 4/5 to seal the day. The Terrelle Pryor Overrated Watch is being raised 2 levels this week from "people are starting to make pamphlets stating the theoretical case that he could be overrated" to "Kate Hudson". He skipped "The Toughness of an Actual Caribbean Pirate Circa 1700" thanks to the loss. By the way, Ohio State does not require an independent "Overrated Watch" because "Ohio State" is already a level in the TPOW and it is just about as high as you can go.
As expected (8) Cincy beat down (21) USF, who folded like a lawn chair in the second half. Cincy, like Boise State, has a great chance of going undefeated.
(9) Miami was a bit slow to get started, but Jacory Harris found his shiny shoes and kick started the flyness-train. UCF put a fight, but no one beats Jacory Harris when he puts on his shiny shoes.
(11) Iowa continues its trend of being undefeated yet not winning any game convincingly by outlasting WisCANsin.
(12) TCU pillaged Colorado State. Next week TCU gets BYU. That will be some non-power conference football to watch.
(14) Penn State unplugged Minnesota by completely shutting them out. It snowed in Happy Valley on Saturday. For a Floridian who moved to Michigan not long ago, this is terrifying because it is mid-October.
TTech walked into (15) Nebraska's house and managed to pull off a victory. TTech is now ranked, whereas Nebraska takes the loss and drops from the top 25. Worse still, the BigXII north is going to be an ocean of mehness. K-State is 2-1 and in first place. Bill Snyder will not die.
(16) OK State blew up Mizzou, who left their offense in the locker room after halftime.
Despite having to deal with a mega hissy fit from his son and the hell he will catch from the ol' ball 'n' chain, Dan Hawkins sat his son in favor of the backup QB due to poor play. The result? Unranked Colorado ends the (17) Kansas hope train. Why is it that whenever Colorado beats anyone who is ranked when they are not, they rush the field? Seriously. You beat a terrible team undeserving of their rank. This does not equal taking down a #1 team in the nation.
(18) BYU got it's 500th win as a program over San Diego State. This has to feel good for the Stormin' Mormons, but remember that a good deal of those victories were against teams like: San Diego State.
(23) Houston smoked Tulane after a slow first half.
(24) Utah was not to be outdone by arch-rival BYU getting their 500th victory, so they got their 600th win as a program over UNLV. This has to feel good for the non-Mormons in Utah, but remember that a good deal of those victories were against teams like: UNLV.
The rest of everyone:
Clemson ran over Wake. BC exploded on NC State who is going in the wrong direction. Virginia's course correction continued over Maryland. Iowa State won their first BigXII game in like 234 years over Baylor. Kansas State nuked Texas A&M. The Wannstaches are 6-1 (good for Pitt) after beating Rutgers. UCONN soundly beat Louisville, Steve Kragthorpe is not going to be there much longer. West Virginia seemed to take it easy on Marshall. Sparty showed up late for homecoming against Northwestern (a noon game and to be fair MSU is a party school...) but took care of business. Michigan feels like a big man right now after totally beating up D2 Delaware State. The Fighting Zookers lost to Indiana in a game that would have put even meth-heads to sleep. Army lost to Temple (Temple... we're at war and clearly you are on the terrorist side). Navy survived a fight with a rapidly improving SMU. Cal took of business over UCLA. Arizona let Washington off the hook last week with two late TDs, so this week Stadford extended the Wildcats with the same courtesy. Arizona State struck gold late to beat Washington. Georgia stomped on Vandy. Mississippi State beat Middle Tennessee State. Ole Miss killed UAB to try get their offense oriented in the correct direction. And finally we here at PLS would like to salute Kentucky for beating Auburn for the first time since 1966.
Big games in the college ranks this week. Some teams rolled, others got rolled. The top 10 saw 2 teams fall and 4 teams dodge bullets. College football is certainly in full swing now.
(1) Florida sleepwalked through Arkansas and barely survived. It is true that Arkansas missed 2 FGs (UF missed one) and really Florida's defense is the sole reason they won this game. A hyper-conservative offense and 4 FUMBLES were big contributors in the Razorback upset bid. Credit the Hogs for getting to Tebow all day, but credit the Gators for learning from last year's Ole Miss debacle and not abandoning the run. Florida has fallen to #2 (no shocker...) but it isn't like Alabama crushed South Carolina...
In fact if you took away (2) Alabama's early pick 6, South Carolina was in striking distance for the entire game. The Tide's offense carried solely by Mark Ingram's decision to bulldoze any and all people who opposed him... he rushed for 246 yards on only 24 carries! Stephen Garcia was his normal erratic self, going 20/46 with that pick six, but he played admirably. It was the Gamecocks lack of running the ball to get important first downs that killed them.
If you are keeping score at home, Alabama has allowed 24, 14, 7, 7, 20, 3 and 6 points this year. Florida has allowed 3, 6, 13, 7, 3 and 20 point this year. If both teams play in the SEC Championship game and if both teams' offensive and defensive trends stay the same (mediocre offenses, pants-soiling causing defenses) the SECCG will be an 8-6 defense-fest.
(3) Texas nearly got clipped by (20) Oklahoma despite re-killing Sam Bradford early. 8 turnovers really muddied this game and Colt McCoy didn't go nuts as expected. The biggest stat was OU's complete embarrassment of a running game. They had a grand total of -16 rushing yards. This forced OU backup Landry Jones to try to pass his way to the victory. That did not happen. (Side note: Colt McCoy vs. Landry Jones is probably the best matchup of QB names the BigXII has ever seen. Colt McCoy... good Texas name. Landry Jones... Tom Landry + Jerry Jones!?!?! If those aren't perfect names for BigXII powerhouse teams' QBs... I don't know what is.)
(4) Virginia Tech got smacked down by (19) Georgia Tech in Hotlanta. Tyrod Taylor was not horrible and neither was the Va Tech running game. But GT's triple option went bananas rushing for 309 yards. VT D-coordinator Bud Foster's head exploded after the game destroying all buildings within a .75 mile radius. GT, channeling their inner 1940s stat line, threw a total of 7 times. It really has to be noted that other than Miami, GT's offense has run everyone over this year stopping only to clear dead bodies out of the wheels wells on occasion.
(5) Boise State on Wednesday(?) held on to stave off a late charge by Tulsa. It is at this point that we, as a people, must come to the realization that BSU is going to coast to an undefeated season. Yes, we talked about the potential of this doomsday scenario at the beginning of the year, but we thought that surely Oregon would take care of them (stupid Ducks) and that maybe either Fresno State or Tulsa could trip them. They now have a straight and undisturbed torpedo run on an undefeated season lined up. Will this finally be the year that a team like Boise State crashes the championship game? We know between Florida and Alabama there will be a loss and Texas is not in the clear just yet. This is going to be an interesting second half of the year.
Rest of the Top 25:
(6) USC did not obliterate (25) Notre Dame as 97% of the country had hoped. Credit Front Butt with cooking up a good offensive game plan and not eating it before the band finished the national anthem. This killed the Irish's last gasp at getting to a BCS game and may have sealed Front Butt's pink slip. This also raises questions about USC, who supposedly a team made of world-beaters and ninja robot assassins. This site makes no bones about it. ND is VERY OVERRATED due to several games they SHOULD HAVE LOST BUT DIDN'T DUE TO RIDICULOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. USC should have brutalized them, but couldn't. This suggests that it may be a down year in Trojanland.
(7) Ohio State finally lost an in-conference game to... BWAHAHAHAHA... Purdue. 5 turnovers slit the Buckeye's wrists and Purdue's place kicker might have made himself a nice paycheck in the NFL making a 55 yarder and went 4/5 to seal the day. The Terrelle Pryor Overrated Watch is being raised 2 levels this week from "people are starting to make pamphlets stating the theoretical case that he could be overrated" to "Kate Hudson". He skipped "The Toughness of an Actual Caribbean Pirate Circa 1700" thanks to the loss. By the way, Ohio State does not require an independent "Overrated Watch" because "Ohio State" is already a level in the TPOW and it is just about as high as you can go.
As expected (8) Cincy beat down (21) USF, who folded like a lawn chair in the second half. Cincy, like Boise State, has a great chance of going undefeated.
(9) Miami was a bit slow to get started, but Jacory Harris found his shiny shoes and kick started the flyness-train. UCF put a fight, but no one beats Jacory Harris when he puts on his shiny shoes.
(11) Iowa continues its trend of being undefeated yet not winning any game convincingly by outlasting WisCANsin.
(12) TCU pillaged Colorado State. Next week TCU gets BYU. That will be some non-power conference football to watch.
(14) Penn State unplugged Minnesota by completely shutting them out. It snowed in Happy Valley on Saturday. For a Floridian who moved to Michigan not long ago, this is terrifying because it is mid-October.
TTech walked into (15) Nebraska's house and managed to pull off a victory. TTech is now ranked, whereas Nebraska takes the loss and drops from the top 25. Worse still, the BigXII north is going to be an ocean of mehness. K-State is 2-1 and in first place. Bill Snyder will not die.
(16) OK State blew up Mizzou, who left their offense in the locker room after halftime.
Despite having to deal with a mega hissy fit from his son and the hell he will catch from the ol' ball 'n' chain, Dan Hawkins sat his son in favor of the backup QB due to poor play. The result? Unranked Colorado ends the (17) Kansas hope train. Why is it that whenever Colorado beats anyone who is ranked when they are not, they rush the field? Seriously. You beat a terrible team undeserving of their rank. This does not equal taking down a #1 team in the nation.
(18) BYU got it's 500th win as a program over San Diego State. This has to feel good for the Stormin' Mormons, but remember that a good deal of those victories were against teams like: San Diego State.
(23) Houston smoked Tulane after a slow first half.
(24) Utah was not to be outdone by arch-rival BYU getting their 500th victory, so they got their 600th win as a program over UNLV. This has to feel good for the non-Mormons in Utah, but remember that a good deal of those victories were against teams like: UNLV.
The rest of everyone:
Clemson ran over Wake. BC exploded on NC State who is going in the wrong direction. Virginia's course correction continued over Maryland. Iowa State won their first BigXII game in like 234 years over Baylor. Kansas State nuked Texas A&M. The Wannstaches are 6-1 (good for Pitt) after beating Rutgers. UCONN soundly beat Louisville, Steve Kragthorpe is not going to be there much longer. West Virginia seemed to take it easy on Marshall. Sparty showed up late for homecoming against Northwestern (a noon game and to be fair MSU is a party school...) but took care of business. Michigan feels like a big man right now after totally beating up D2 Delaware State. The Fighting Zookers lost to Indiana in a game that would have put even meth-heads to sleep. Army lost to Temple (Temple... we're at war and clearly you are on the terrorist side). Navy survived a fight with a rapidly improving SMU. Cal took of business over UCLA. Arizona let Washington off the hook last week with two late TDs, so this week Stadford extended the Wildcats with the same courtesy. Arizona State struck gold late to beat Washington. Georgia stomped on Vandy. Mississippi State beat Middle Tennessee State. Ole Miss killed UAB to try get their offense oriented in the correct direction. And finally we here at PLS would like to salute Kentucky for beating Auburn for the first time since 1966.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Your Weekend Picks 10-17-09
by Staff
Good collection of games this weekend. The Red River Shootout (or whatever they call it these days), the annual Notre Dame beatdown by USC and the Ol' Ball Coach has a chance to sling a stone and take down a Goliath.
(3) Texas - (20) Oklahoma
Iroquois:
As much as I want to say this is open and shut, I can't. Can Texas run the ball? Can Sam Bradford exploit his RB's strength in pass catching in absence of a solid receiver? Did the entirety of talent on Mobilehoma's line leave after the BCS game? Will Texas be overconfident? Will Oklahoma relish an entire season predicated upon one upset of their Steers 'n Queers rival? How many questions can I type and still form a cogent paragraph? Will Colt McCoy press and end up costing himself a shot at the H---man trophy in one game a'la Peyton Manning 1997?
Texas over OU
Annie:
Longhorns in a shootout...wait, they have those in FOOTBALL NOW TOO!?!
Texas over OU
Slate:
Well I guess this isn't the Top 5 matchup we all were fully erect over back in August. This may or may not be one the last times the game is played in the Cotton Bowl due to Jerry Jones's football Xanadu being completely and almost fully operational. After 2015, it will probably be in the dome. We still could have the Sam Bradford-Colt McCoy offense supernova that will be seen from lightyears away, but remember that Bradford's shoulder isn't 100% yet. Oklahoma, already with 2 losses, is at a standing 8 count, so they will be a bit desperate. Texas can win this game and more than likely set a course for the BigXII championship and more than likely the national championship game. It is this one's belief that OU will certainly hold their own weight, but I think the Will Muschamp will blitz from every direction including from underground, the mascot dressing room and the 8th dimension and in the end... Texas will be the one still standing.
Texas over OU
Red:
The Red River Shootout, a title which I believe we are no longer allowed to use because the word red is considered racist. Or some other reason that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. So I guess I’m supposed to pick who will win the game and then give some type of insightful commentary. Well Red Herring does not roll that way, so instead of doing any insightful matchup comparisons of Offensive lines versus Defensive lines, or any other comparison, I’m simply going to pick a winner and say something mean about each team. This game is not even close. We have Texas, the only team outside of the SEC that is getting any respect whatsoever from the talking heads , and we have Oklahoma, which after losing to the BYU fighting white guys, and then Miami, has shown us that Big Game Bob only has his nickname because he plays in big games not wins them. Also one thing I’ve never understood, how the hell did the University of Texas end up with a cow as their mascot? Did they sleep in on the day mascots were being handed out? I know there is a story but I don’t care enough to look it up.
Prediction: Texas wins by as much as they want to.
(6) USC @ (25) Notre Dame
Slate:
Here comes the end of the line for the Notre Dame Hope Train. It ends, so does the Jimmy Clausen Heisman Conestoga Wagon, as a twisted and flaming wreck left to smolder in its own fire of unachieved expectations (that were unachievable in the first place) and will only be put out once Charlie Weis is fired. Front Butt has survived a good bit, but the hammer beings its fall after a blowout at the hands of a completely chillaxed Pete Carroll who is so cool, he will buy Front Butt a beer and a butter burger before he leaves town out his own cool guilt.
In 5 years Notre Dame will join the Big Ten and will be a powerhouse once again. This is the night it gets kicked off.
USC BIG over notre dame
Annie:
Trojans over the drunks
USC over ND
Iroquois:
Jimmy Clausen has no place among the H---man candidates right now. The mere fact that he's even being considered speaks to the volume of Notre Dame hype back when they were, you know, relevant. Try beating a team with a winning record first, son (note: Winning record is not a .500 record).
This game should once again go to the Men of Troy, CA. Notre Dame's O-Line, outside of Sam Young, tends to falter against strong pass rushes. Guess what USC has? I generally believe as well that Matt Barkley > Tate Forcier (right now), and I expect MB to give ND the same problems as TF did, though not necessarily in as dramatic a fashion.
USC over ND
Red:
In the fifth year of the Charlie Weis coaching regime, or internship depending on who you ask, we have to ponder, how long until Notre Dame backs a dump truck full of money up to Urban Meyer’s house? The answer: not that long. There has been a lot of buzz around the interweb about Notre Dame fan base feeling like they have a real chance in this game, and how Notre Dame players feel that they can beat USC. Well, no they won’t. Notre Dame will go down in flames in the first half and Pete Carroll will continue his ownership of Charlie Weis.
(4) Virginia Tech @ (19) Georgia Tech
Annie:
Hokies over the...Engineers?
VT over GT
Iroquois:
After last week's turnstile defense convention in Tallahassee, I don't think Georgia Tech has the ability or energy to play with VT this week. Tyrod Taylor, if he is progressing as much as he showed last week (one of those TD passes was gorgeous), will exploit the lack of a passing defense (seriously, GT? 359 passing yards to FSU?) and Ryan Williams will run through a tired GT defense, not that he isn't good in his own right.
VT over GT
Slate:
Virginia Tech shot down Miami and Miami sets GT on fire and pissed on the ashes, so by the transitive property of sports, Va Tech should rout the Jackets. But hold on, as EDSBS puts it perfectly, VT caught Miami in a Jacory Harris Flyness-Shortage. Miami now knows the cure. A JHFS is only cured by playing the theme from Shaft in a continuous loop until signs of flyness fire up. So perhaps, the transitive property of sports isn't correct here. We must then consider two things: GT's triple option can be particularly baffling even to "good" defenses and Tyrod taylor is still the QB for VT. Those things considered we roll with GT but it'll be close.
GT over VT
Red:
Virginia Tech has been playing out of their minds after the thumping that Alabama put on them to start the season. Georgia Tech has proven that a brazilliontuple option really will work in college ball. Against an FSU team that could best be described by their odor, Georgia Tech ran the ball at will. FSU knew that GT was going to run the ball and still couldn’t stop them. The Yellow Jacket offense was so dominant that they actually struck Bobby Bowden dumb. I, however, think that the Virginia Tech defense will be able to at least contain if not stop the GT offense. In the battle of the Techs I’m going to go with VT.
Prediction: VT wins a close game after they figure out they can put 11 men in the box and GT will still run.
(22) South Carolina @ (2) Alabama
Slate:
South Carolina's offense is a Steve Spurrier offense-like substance. Think of velveeta cheese. No, the Cock offense is not as good as velveeta is by any stretch of the imagination but remember, velveeta is "processed and blocked cheese." This is all and good, but Nick Saban's defense is so good it went back in time and halted the Huns at Budapest with Rolando McClain personally stopping Attila himself from crossing the Danube. It was a spectacular moment in time, but Nick Saban erased all knowledge of it from ever happening because he doesn't want teams to know his tactics (archers to the back left flank supported by corners in a soft zone). Alabama will probably hold the Cock offense to very few points.
'Bama over South Carolina
Annie:
Tide over Cocks
Bama over SCAR
Iroquois:
Again, I think Bama trips up at some point this year. This isn't that game, though. Jarvis Giles' suspension pretty much nails this one shut. Unless Alshon Jeffrey and Stephen Garcia rock worlds like last week, this one shouldn't be too much of a contest. I do wish to note, however, that this may be the week where we really see Greg McElroy fall apart and as such, Bama will treat him like LSU treats Jordan Jefferson: as a game manager more than a playmaker.
Bama over SCAR
Red:
Do you really want commentary here? The only question about this game is how many visors Steve Spurrier goes through before he says screw it and leaves early to beat the traffic. The fighting Sabans will have their way with the Gamecocks on both sides of the ball and the only thing that prevents this from being a blow out is if the bus carrying the Alabama team get lost on the way to the stadium. However I can’t pass up this opportunity to mention that there might be a special appearance by ALABAMA MAN!
Prediction:LSU Alabama helps convince the Ole Ball Coach that he needs to hang them up for good.
Arkansas @ (1) UF
Slate:
Florida gets to return home and see an Arkansas team whose offense's volatility rating is classified as: "Mixing Clorox with Drano." Sometimes it's great, other times it shows up at the wrong stadium. UF better not consider this a week off. Florida wins big, but only if their offense shakes the rust off.
UF over Arky
Iroquois:
I decline to analyze games in which I have a personal stake.
UF over Arky
Annie:
Too close to call...
UF over Arky
Red:
The Gators come off an exciting (painful to watch) victory against LSU in Red Pole and come home to face Arkansas. One thing is clear; Florida simply must drop a metric shitload of points on the Razorbacks in this game because UF is risking losing their number one ranking simply because Alabama keeps decapitating their opponents. Tebow needs to take care of business (and he will) and we see an explosion from the Florida offense against Arkansas’ defense that will just not be able to keep up with the speed UF brings to the table. But hey, you guys had Darren McFadden. That was pretty good back in the day.
Prediction: UF wins by a ton and then Tebow heals all of the injured players and feeds the masses with only one six pack of beer and three of those Red Baron “pizzas” they sell at the concession stands. Meyer moves one step closer to adding another ring to his iconic wardrobe.
Northwestern @ MSU
Iroquois:
Ummm, really?
MSU over NW
Slate:
MSU is rebounding, we expected that, and perhaps it continues this week against a not-as-good-as-last-year Northwestern team. Then again MSU, as a program, does have a propensity for losing games they should win. Some say it was the Michigan game, but I say this is the game that will make or break the season because they are still a good team. Winning here gets them above .500 (4-3) and 3-1 in conference. This still have Minnesota, Western Michigan and Purdue (all games they should win) with games at Iowa and at home against Penn State. An 8-5 could be seen as a success after how they started.
MSU over NW
Annie:
Spartys over the Journalists
MSU over NW
Red:
Ok, time to pretend I care about this game. Deep Breath. OKAY! What an exciting game with two teams that have so much to play for! Sparty looks to improve to 4-3 while Northwestern looks to stay above .500. Both teams still have a chance to compete for a conference title. (If Columbus burns down over the weekend). So based purely on which mascot is more likely to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life, I’m going to go with Michigan State over Northwestern.
Prediction: Sparty and his unblinking ways literally scares the Northwestern team into not even stepping onto the field. Or maybe Northwestern wins, who knows its Big Ten football!
(11) Iowa @ WisCANsin
Annie:
Corn over Cheese
Iowa over W
Slate:
WisCANsin should have beaten Ohio State, but a KO return for a TD and a Pick 6 doomed them. Honestly... when will someone finally just kill this overrated OSU team!? Iowa is undefeated, but hasn't looked spectacular in any particular game. Remember they had to block 2 FGs to beat D2 Northern Iowa? They almost coughed up a win last week, Arkansas State almost tripped them up and they barely outlasted Arizona. So let's not get the anointing oils just yet. I think I see an upset.
WisCANsin over Iowa
Iroquois:
I stumped against the Corn last week and will continue to do so until I'm finally proven right.
Wisky over Corn
Red:
Now this is an interesting game. Iowa has managed to be the quietest unbeaten major conference team all year and they are finally getting respect they apparently deserve. Wisconsin is more of a question mark. Will they be a ferocious badger running the ball down Iowa’s throat? Or will they hide in their hole as Iowa moves the ball downfield in a methodical manner? Based only on this video evidence of the Wisconsin football team practicing I’m going to go ahead and pick the upset!
Prediction: Wisconsin wins a close game against Iowa partly through skill, partly through hypnosis by pumping this into the visitor’s locker room.
Good collection of games this weekend. The Red River Shootout (or whatever they call it these days), the annual Notre Dame beatdown by USC and the Ol' Ball Coach has a chance to sling a stone and take down a Goliath.
(3) Texas - (20) Oklahoma
Iroquois:
As much as I want to say this is open and shut, I can't. Can Texas run the ball? Can Sam Bradford exploit his RB's strength in pass catching in absence of a solid receiver? Did the entirety of talent on Mobilehoma's line leave after the BCS game? Will Texas be overconfident? Will Oklahoma relish an entire season predicated upon one upset of their Steers 'n Queers rival? How many questions can I type and still form a cogent paragraph? Will Colt McCoy press and end up costing himself a shot at the H---man trophy in one game a'la Peyton Manning 1997?
Texas over OU
Annie:
Longhorns in a shootout...wait, they have those in FOOTBALL NOW TOO!?!
Texas over OU
Slate:
Well I guess this isn't the Top 5 matchup we all were fully erect over back in August. This may or may not be one the last times the game is played in the Cotton Bowl due to Jerry Jones's football Xanadu being completely and almost fully operational. After 2015, it will probably be in the dome. We still could have the Sam Bradford-Colt McCoy offense supernova that will be seen from lightyears away, but remember that Bradford's shoulder isn't 100% yet. Oklahoma, already with 2 losses, is at a standing 8 count, so they will be a bit desperate. Texas can win this game and more than likely set a course for the BigXII championship and more than likely the national championship game. It is this one's belief that OU will certainly hold their own weight, but I think the Will Muschamp will blitz from every direction including from underground, the mascot dressing room and the 8th dimension and in the end... Texas will be the one still standing.
Texas over OU
Red:
The Red River Shootout, a title which I believe we are no longer allowed to use because the word red is considered racist. Or some other reason that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. So I guess I’m supposed to pick who will win the game and then give some type of insightful commentary. Well Red Herring does not roll that way, so instead of doing any insightful matchup comparisons of Offensive lines versus Defensive lines, or any other comparison, I’m simply going to pick a winner and say something mean about each team. This game is not even close. We have Texas, the only team outside of the SEC that is getting any respect whatsoever from the talking heads , and we have Oklahoma, which after losing to the BYU fighting white guys, and then Miami, has shown us that Big Game Bob only has his nickname because he plays in big games not wins them. Also one thing I’ve never understood, how the hell did the University of Texas end up with a cow as their mascot? Did they sleep in on the day mascots were being handed out? I know there is a story but I don’t care enough to look it up.
Prediction: Texas wins by as much as they want to.
(6) USC @ (25) Notre Dame
Slate:
Here comes the end of the line for the Notre Dame Hope Train. It ends, so does the Jimmy Clausen Heisman Conestoga Wagon, as a twisted and flaming wreck left to smolder in its own fire of unachieved expectations (that were unachievable in the first place) and will only be put out once Charlie Weis is fired. Front Butt has survived a good bit, but the hammer beings its fall after a blowout at the hands of a completely chillaxed Pete Carroll who is so cool, he will buy Front Butt a beer and a butter burger before he leaves town out his own cool guilt.
In 5 years Notre Dame will join the Big Ten and will be a powerhouse once again. This is the night it gets kicked off.
USC BIG over notre dame
Annie:
Trojans over the drunks
USC over ND
Iroquois:
Jimmy Clausen has no place among the H---man candidates right now. The mere fact that he's even being considered speaks to the volume of Notre Dame hype back when they were, you know, relevant. Try beating a team with a winning record first, son (note: Winning record is not a .500 record).
This game should once again go to the Men of Troy, CA. Notre Dame's O-Line, outside of Sam Young, tends to falter against strong pass rushes. Guess what USC has? I generally believe as well that Matt Barkley > Tate Forcier (right now), and I expect MB to give ND the same problems as TF did, though not necessarily in as dramatic a fashion.
USC over ND
Red:
In the fifth year of the Charlie Weis coaching regime, or internship depending on who you ask, we have to ponder, how long until Notre Dame backs a dump truck full of money up to Urban Meyer’s house? The answer: not that long. There has been a lot of buzz around the interweb about Notre Dame fan base feeling like they have a real chance in this game, and how Notre Dame players feel that they can beat USC. Well, no they won’t. Notre Dame will go down in flames in the first half and Pete Carroll will continue his ownership of Charlie Weis.
(4) Virginia Tech @ (19) Georgia Tech
Annie:
Hokies over the...Engineers?
VT over GT
Iroquois:
After last week's turnstile defense convention in Tallahassee, I don't think Georgia Tech has the ability or energy to play with VT this week. Tyrod Taylor, if he is progressing as much as he showed last week (one of those TD passes was gorgeous), will exploit the lack of a passing defense (seriously, GT? 359 passing yards to FSU?) and Ryan Williams will run through a tired GT defense, not that he isn't good in his own right.
VT over GT
Slate:
Virginia Tech shot down Miami and Miami sets GT on fire and pissed on the ashes, so by the transitive property of sports, Va Tech should rout the Jackets. But hold on, as EDSBS puts it perfectly, VT caught Miami in a Jacory Harris Flyness-Shortage. Miami now knows the cure. A JHFS is only cured by playing the theme from Shaft in a continuous loop until signs of flyness fire up. So perhaps, the transitive property of sports isn't correct here. We must then consider two things: GT's triple option can be particularly baffling even to "good" defenses and Tyrod taylor is still the QB for VT. Those things considered we roll with GT but it'll be close.
GT over VT
Red:
Virginia Tech has been playing out of their minds after the thumping that Alabama put on them to start the season. Georgia Tech has proven that a brazilliontuple option really will work in college ball. Against an FSU team that could best be described by their odor, Georgia Tech ran the ball at will. FSU knew that GT was going to run the ball and still couldn’t stop them. The Yellow Jacket offense was so dominant that they actually struck Bobby Bowden dumb. I, however, think that the Virginia Tech defense will be able to at least contain if not stop the GT offense. In the battle of the Techs I’m going to go with VT.
Prediction: VT wins a close game after they figure out they can put 11 men in the box and GT will still run.
(22) South Carolina @ (2) Alabama
Slate:
South Carolina's offense is a Steve Spurrier offense-like substance. Think of velveeta cheese. No, the Cock offense is not as good as velveeta is by any stretch of the imagination but remember, velveeta is "processed and blocked cheese." This is all and good, but Nick Saban's defense is so good it went back in time and halted the Huns at Budapest with Rolando McClain personally stopping Attila himself from crossing the Danube. It was a spectacular moment in time, but Nick Saban erased all knowledge of it from ever happening because he doesn't want teams to know his tactics (archers to the back left flank supported by corners in a soft zone). Alabama will probably hold the Cock offense to very few points.
'Bama over South Carolina
Annie:
Tide over Cocks
Bama over SCAR
Iroquois:
Again, I think Bama trips up at some point this year. This isn't that game, though. Jarvis Giles' suspension pretty much nails this one shut. Unless Alshon Jeffrey and Stephen Garcia rock worlds like last week, this one shouldn't be too much of a contest. I do wish to note, however, that this may be the week where we really see Greg McElroy fall apart and as such, Bama will treat him like LSU treats Jordan Jefferson: as a game manager more than a playmaker.
Bama over SCAR
Red:
Do you really want commentary here? The only question about this game is how many visors Steve Spurrier goes through before he says screw it and leaves early to beat the traffic. The fighting Sabans will have their way with the Gamecocks on both sides of the ball and the only thing that prevents this from being a blow out is if the bus carrying the Alabama team get lost on the way to the stadium. However I can’t pass up this opportunity to mention that there might be a special appearance by ALABAMA MAN!
Prediction:
Arkansas @ (1) UF
Slate:
Florida gets to return home and see an Arkansas team whose offense's volatility rating is classified as: "Mixing Clorox with Drano." Sometimes it's great, other times it shows up at the wrong stadium. UF better not consider this a week off. Florida wins big, but only if their offense shakes the rust off.
UF over Arky
Iroquois:
I decline to analyze games in which I have a personal stake.
UF over Arky
Annie:
Too close to call...
UF over Arky
Red:
The Gators come off an exciting (painful to watch) victory against LSU in Red Pole and come home to face Arkansas. One thing is clear; Florida simply must drop a metric shitload of points on the Razorbacks in this game because UF is risking losing their number one ranking simply because Alabama keeps decapitating their opponents. Tebow needs to take care of business (and he will) and we see an explosion from the Florida offense against Arkansas’ defense that will just not be able to keep up with the speed UF brings to the table. But hey, you guys had Darren McFadden. That was pretty good back in the day.
Prediction: UF wins by a ton and then Tebow heals all of the injured players and feeds the masses with only one six pack of beer and three of those Red Baron “pizzas” they sell at the concession stands. Meyer moves one step closer to adding another ring to his iconic wardrobe.
Northwestern @ MSU
Iroquois:
Ummm, really?
MSU over NW
Slate:
MSU is rebounding, we expected that, and perhaps it continues this week against a not-as-good-as-last-year Northwestern team. Then again MSU, as a program, does have a propensity for losing games they should win. Some say it was the Michigan game, but I say this is the game that will make or break the season because they are still a good team. Winning here gets them above .500 (4-3) and 3-1 in conference. This still have Minnesota, Western Michigan and Purdue (all games they should win) with games at Iowa and at home against Penn State. An 8-5 could be seen as a success after how they started.
MSU over NW
Annie:
Spartys over the Journalists
MSU over NW
Red:
Ok, time to pretend I care about this game. Deep Breath. OKAY! What an exciting game with two teams that have so much to play for! Sparty looks to improve to 4-3 while Northwestern looks to stay above .500. Both teams still have a chance to compete for a conference title. (If Columbus burns down over the weekend). So based purely on which mascot is more likely to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life, I’m going to go with Michigan State over Northwestern.
Prediction: Sparty and his unblinking ways literally scares the Northwestern team into not even stepping onto the field. Or maybe Northwestern wins, who knows its Big Ten football!
(11) Iowa @ WisCANsin
Annie:
Corn over Cheese
Iowa over W
Slate:
WisCANsin should have beaten Ohio State, but a KO return for a TD and a Pick 6 doomed them. Honestly... when will someone finally just kill this overrated OSU team!? Iowa is undefeated, but hasn't looked spectacular in any particular game. Remember they had to block 2 FGs to beat D2 Northern Iowa? They almost coughed up a win last week, Arkansas State almost tripped them up and they barely outlasted Arizona. So let's not get the anointing oils just yet. I think I see an upset.
WisCANsin over Iowa
Iroquois:
I stumped against the Corn last week and will continue to do so until I'm finally proven right.
Wisky over Corn
Red:
Now this is an interesting game. Iowa has managed to be the quietest unbeaten major conference team all year and they are finally getting respect they apparently deserve. Wisconsin is more of a question mark. Will they be a ferocious badger running the ball down Iowa’s throat? Or will they hide in their hole as Iowa moves the ball downfield in a methodical manner? Based only on this video evidence of the Wisconsin football team practicing I’m going to go ahead and pick the upset!
Prediction: Wisconsin wins a close game against Iowa partly through skill, partly through hypnosis by pumping this into the visitor’s locker room.
Rush Limbaugh, Michael Vick, and a Bag of Rocks
Posted by Red Herring
[Ed Note: This is the first post by the frequent contributor, Red Herring.]
I can hear you now. You get what the first two have to do with each other, but what about the third? What would a bag of rocks have anything to do with Rush Limbaugh and Michael Vick? Here is your answer: (unless there has been late breaking bag of rocks news that I’m not current on) NOTHING. Yet according to the NFL, Rush Limbaugh is just as qualified as a bag of rocks to be part of an ownership group in the NFL. At the other end of the spectrum Michael Vick is more qualified than Rush Limbaugh to be part of the NFL and therefore more qualified than a bag of rocks. Maybe if we compare the three we will see some correlation that allows us to understand how Michael Vick is a welcome part of the NFL and Rush Limbaugh is not up to par for membership in the NFL family. I’ll examine some pertinent traits of each of my three subjects and then we can draw our own conclusions.
Rush:
- Conservative personality (and therefore evil!)
- Radio host (and therefore evil!)
- Has tons of money he wants to spend owning the abomination that is the St. Louis Rams. (Maybe not evil, but clearly a warning sign concerning his sanity).
- Has said some very stupid things. (This has never happened in the history of the NFL).
- Has had several players say they won’t play for any team he is involved with.
At this point I have to call bull. I simply cannot believe that if Rush were to own a pro team, players would not play on that team out of some sense of moral revulsion. If we know one thing about NFL players (and all pro players in every sport up to and including professional chicken punting) it is this, they will go play for the team that signs the biggest check. I can hear you, “Oh no, not [insert players name here] he would never go play for that dirt bag!” To which I respond, your favorite player on your favorite team would go play for the guy who ran over his dog if he was the highest bidder for his services. It is a simple truth of pro sports and you know as well as I know that it is true. If you want a cite for my thesis I suggest you simply look at EVERY FREE AGENT SIGNING IN THE LAST 20 YEARS! Looking at you Johnny Damon. Are there exceptions to the rule? Certainly, but in the majority of those cases the people who decide to take less money to go somewhere else are already millionaires who are making the decision based on what is best for them in their personal lives. But I digress, back to our categories.
Vick:
- Convicted felon (but not a conservative personality!)
- Funded a dog fighting ring (but not a conservative personality!)
- Has never said anything stupid! (EVER!)
- Engaged in the torture and killing of animals that did not perform up to his standards of brutality and aggressiveness when he forced them to fight for their lives. (Would put a whole new spin on training camp starter competitions).
- Can make amazing plays with his feet and entertain the crowd. (Gotta give it to him there).
I want to be clear at this point (breaking new ground here), I think the NFL should include or exclude anyone they want based on their own personal and professional evaluation of the costs and the benefits associated with their inclusion in the league. That is their right. I, however, have a right to point out when the NFL is completely full of crap. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell recently stated about Rush: “Divisive comments are not what the NFL is all about. I’ve said many times before, we’re all held to a high standard here. I would not want to see those comments coming from people who are in a responsible position in the NFL.” So Mr. Goodell has apparently drawn a line in the sand, convicted felons and animal cruelty are perfectly fine with the NFL as long as you are willing to pretend you are sorry. However, those who state their opinions about matters of public concern are not allowed in the league. Not the most intelligent policy, but once again, his league, his rules. I mean, the NFL has never had an owner who engaged in politics or actively supported a cause. Not even when Dan Rooney thanked Obama for all his help in the Steelers winning the Super Bowl .That didn’t happen; we are not remembering it that way. By the way, congratulations to Mr. Rooney for his appointment as ambassador to Ireland!
It comes down to this, I don’t like hypocrisy. I don’t like double standards. I don’t like being told that someone is not of moral fiber sufficient to be a member of the NFL family because of the words he has spoken, while at the same time the very same person tells me that another man who has committed crimes that I personally find repugnant, is allowed in because he is sorry. If the NFL wants to pretend that Rush Limbaugh would somehow destroy the NFL community if he was included in an ownership group they better damn well do the same thing when other owners or potential owners make comments that the other half of America might not agree with. Mr. Goodell, I eagerly await your comments concerning Mr. Rooney and his support for the current administration which must certainly be divisive and therefore against your own stated policy. Of course, Mr. Goodell won’t be making those comments because they would be ludicrous, like the ones he made about Rush Limbaugh.
Maybe the explanation is much simpler; the ownership group Mr. Limbaugh was involved in wants to keep the Rams in St. Louis. Maybe the NFL doesn’t want to keep them there. The entire explanation for this could be as simple as the L.A. Rams version 2.0.
Oh, and in case you were wondering about the Bag of Rocks. What the hell is the matter with you? It doesn’t have anything to do with the NFL, kinda like your political views.
[Ed Note: This is the first post by the frequent contributor, Red Herring.]
I can hear you now. You get what the first two have to do with each other, but what about the third? What would a bag of rocks have anything to do with Rush Limbaugh and Michael Vick? Here is your answer: (unless there has been late breaking bag of rocks news that I’m not current on) NOTHING. Yet according to the NFL, Rush Limbaugh is just as qualified as a bag of rocks to be part of an ownership group in the NFL. At the other end of the spectrum Michael Vick is more qualified than Rush Limbaugh to be part of the NFL and therefore more qualified than a bag of rocks. Maybe if we compare the three we will see some correlation that allows us to understand how Michael Vick is a welcome part of the NFL and Rush Limbaugh is not up to par for membership in the NFL family. I’ll examine some pertinent traits of each of my three subjects and then we can draw our own conclusions.
Rush:
- Conservative personality (and therefore evil!)
- Radio host (and therefore evil!)
- Has tons of money he wants to spend owning the abomination that is the St. Louis Rams. (Maybe not evil, but clearly a warning sign concerning his sanity).
- Has said some very stupid things. (This has never happened in the history of the NFL).
- Has had several players say they won’t play for any team he is involved with.
At this point I have to call bull. I simply cannot believe that if Rush were to own a pro team, players would not play on that team out of some sense of moral revulsion. If we know one thing about NFL players (and all pro players in every sport up to and including professional chicken punting) it is this, they will go play for the team that signs the biggest check. I can hear you, “Oh no, not [insert players name here] he would never go play for that dirt bag!” To which I respond, your favorite player on your favorite team would go play for the guy who ran over his dog if he was the highest bidder for his services. It is a simple truth of pro sports and you know as well as I know that it is true. If you want a cite for my thesis I suggest you simply look at EVERY FREE AGENT SIGNING IN THE LAST 20 YEARS! Looking at you Johnny Damon. Are there exceptions to the rule? Certainly, but in the majority of those cases the people who decide to take less money to go somewhere else are already millionaires who are making the decision based on what is best for them in their personal lives. But I digress, back to our categories.
Vick:
- Convicted felon (but not a conservative personality!)
- Funded a dog fighting ring (but not a conservative personality!)
- Has never said anything stupid! (EVER!)
- Engaged in the torture and killing of animals that did not perform up to his standards of brutality and aggressiveness when he forced them to fight for their lives. (Would put a whole new spin on training camp starter competitions).
- Can make amazing plays with his feet and entertain the crowd. (Gotta give it to him there).
I want to be clear at this point (breaking new ground here), I think the NFL should include or exclude anyone they want based on their own personal and professional evaluation of the costs and the benefits associated with their inclusion in the league. That is their right. I, however, have a right to point out when the NFL is completely full of crap. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell recently stated about Rush: “Divisive comments are not what the NFL is all about. I’ve said many times before, we’re all held to a high standard here. I would not want to see those comments coming from people who are in a responsible position in the NFL.” So Mr. Goodell has apparently drawn a line in the sand, convicted felons and animal cruelty are perfectly fine with the NFL as long as you are willing to pretend you are sorry. However, those who state their opinions about matters of public concern are not allowed in the league. Not the most intelligent policy, but once again, his league, his rules. I mean, the NFL has never had an owner who engaged in politics or actively supported a cause. Not even when Dan Rooney thanked Obama for all his help in the Steelers winning the Super Bowl .That didn’t happen; we are not remembering it that way. By the way, congratulations to Mr. Rooney for his appointment as ambassador to Ireland!
It comes down to this, I don’t like hypocrisy. I don’t like double standards. I don’t like being told that someone is not of moral fiber sufficient to be a member of the NFL family because of the words he has spoken, while at the same time the very same person tells me that another man who has committed crimes that I personally find repugnant, is allowed in because he is sorry. If the NFL wants to pretend that Rush Limbaugh would somehow destroy the NFL community if he was included in an ownership group they better damn well do the same thing when other owners or potential owners make comments that the other half of America might not agree with. Mr. Goodell, I eagerly await your comments concerning Mr. Rooney and his support for the current administration which must certainly be divisive and therefore against your own stated policy. Of course, Mr. Goodell won’t be making those comments because they would be ludicrous, like the ones he made about Rush Limbaugh.
Maybe the explanation is much simpler; the ownership group Mr. Limbaugh was involved in wants to keep the Rams in St. Louis. Maybe the NFL doesn’t want to keep them there. The entire explanation for this could be as simple as the L.A. Rams version 2.0.
Oh, and in case you were wondering about the Bag of Rocks. What the hell is the matter with you? It doesn’t have anything to do with the NFL, kinda like your political views.
Who doesn't fit here?
After viewing this page 30 times (each view contained at least slam of my head into a wall to make sure I wasn't seeing things)... the Heisman race on espn.com remained the same.
Let's see:
(1) Tim Tebow
(2) Jimmy Clausen
(3) Colt McCoy
(4) Tony Pike
(5) Field Marshal Bernard Law Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of El-Alamein KG, GCB, DSO, PC
Again: Who doesn't fit here.
Those who adhere to logic may claim Monty doesn't fit. Winning a decisive battle to hold down Cairo and thus the Suez Canal and the road to the Middle East was certainly huge according to the voters (particularly Lou Holtz... who was there manning a 35 mm artillery cannon). But really the answer is #2. Field Marshal Montgomery, who has been dead since 1976, has more Heisman cred than Jimmy Clausen. OMG... he leads the nation in pass efficiency! Wait what's that? He hasn't played jack yet? Notre Dame barely escaped MSU, Purdue and Washington. Why were those games close? BECAUSE OF THEIR TERRIBLE QB!!!!!
The other shoe drops when you find out that ESPN has 2 more ND games left on their schedule.
Let's see:
(1) Tim Tebow
(2) Jimmy Clausen
(3) Colt McCoy
(4) Tony Pike
(5) Field Marshal Bernard Law Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of El-Alamein KG, GCB, DSO, PC
Again: Who doesn't fit here.
Those who adhere to logic may claim Monty doesn't fit. Winning a decisive battle to hold down Cairo and thus the Suez Canal and the road to the Middle East was certainly huge according to the voters (particularly Lou Holtz... who was there manning a 35 mm artillery cannon). But really the answer is #2. Field Marshal Montgomery, who has been dead since 1976, has more Heisman cred than Jimmy Clausen. OMG... he leads the nation in pass efficiency! Wait what's that? He hasn't played jack yet? Notre Dame barely escaped MSU, Purdue and Washington. Why were those games close? BECAUSE OF THEIR TERRIBLE QB!!!!!
The other shoe drops when you find out that ESPN has 2 more ND games left on their schedule.
Titular Joys: Combining Potluck Sports with Potlucks and Sports
Posted by Iroquois Plisken
In a rare moment of ironic self-awareness, I hosted a pot luck tailgate at my house during Saturday's Florida/LSU showdown and it never occurred to me that this sort of thing is, in part, the twin aims of the blog, though not necessarily in conjunction. A potluck tailgate is a bit of an odd creature: potlucks in general require, well, luck, but tailgates have a specific set of foods that are normally acceptable. Combining the staunch rigidity of commonly-accepted tailgate items along with the dynamic and unpredictable nature of a potluck surely would go off as well as an old guy and a midget (or, if you prefer, the present state of American partisan politics).
Having said that, the result was nothing short of enjoyable, exogenous of the outcome of the game (in full disclosure: Florida won, which has no bearing on how fun the gathering actually was). Here, as best as I can recall, was the result of the potluck.
Chips and Salsa - standard tailgate appetizer selection. I believe there were three dips (one mild salsa, one medium roasted pepper/bean salsa, and one queso), all of which were summarily dispatched before the game began.
Chicken Wings - in a little bit of schadenfreude, mere coincidence, or just plain tastiness, Crystal Louisiana Hot Sauce was the only marinade or seasoning used for these delicious morsels. There were quite a few made and quite a few left over. The rest of the tailgate's menu should indicate why. Note that it wasn't lack of flavor or bad taste that left so many wings preserved; it was the sheer volume of food brought above and beyond what was expected. And alcohol. That takes up room, too.
Show me Potato Salad! - Your standard red potato salad with all your standard ingredients plus bacon. Who doesn't like bacon? Even devout Jews eat bacon. Bacon makes everything better. Dogs like bacon (so they think!). You can't go wrong with bacon.
State Fair Corn Dogs - Here was the true schadenfreude. As previously mentioned, though LSU fans do NOT, in fact, eat corn dogs at their tailgates, they do still smell as such. So, we served these delicate little morsels. Their inherent deliciousness was only exceeded by the thought that every time I ate one, I ate away part of their SEC West hopes.
Coconut Chicken with Pina Colada sauce - This was the (somewhat) surprising entrant. None of us really counted on a meal of such intricacy to be present, but who are we to complain at the generosity of our business invitees? In the interest of being honest, I loathe coconut. I did find, however, this meal to be enjoyable in spite of my predetermined feelings towards coconut. The PC sauce, though, was gone before I could sample it.
Brownies - Brownies are great. To preempt, no, they were not special, nor made of Girl Scouts. Sickos.
For the libations, there was cheap American macrobrews. There was also a wonderful rendition of homemade tea ("sweet tea", for you Northern heathens) and bourbon.
All in all, a very enjoyable experience. I myself would have liked a shade more notice so I could attempt to prepare something requiring a bit more skill (like the beef brisket that went over VERY well at the UF/UT game, or perhaps my dry-rub rib recipe), but the food, company, and result of the game were most enjoyable.
In a rare moment of ironic self-awareness, I hosted a pot luck tailgate at my house during Saturday's Florida/LSU showdown and it never occurred to me that this sort of thing is, in part, the twin aims of the blog, though not necessarily in conjunction. A potluck tailgate is a bit of an odd creature: potlucks in general require, well, luck, but tailgates have a specific set of foods that are normally acceptable. Combining the staunch rigidity of commonly-accepted tailgate items along with the dynamic and unpredictable nature of a potluck surely would go off as well as an old guy and a midget (or, if you prefer, the present state of American partisan politics).
Having said that, the result was nothing short of enjoyable, exogenous of the outcome of the game (in full disclosure: Florida won, which has no bearing on how fun the gathering actually was). Here, as best as I can recall, was the result of the potluck.
Chips and Salsa - standard tailgate appetizer selection. I believe there were three dips (one mild salsa, one medium roasted pepper/bean salsa, and one queso), all of which were summarily dispatched before the game began.
Chicken Wings - in a little bit of schadenfreude, mere coincidence, or just plain tastiness, Crystal Louisiana Hot Sauce was the only marinade or seasoning used for these delicious morsels. There were quite a few made and quite a few left over. The rest of the tailgate's menu should indicate why. Note that it wasn't lack of flavor or bad taste that left so many wings preserved; it was the sheer volume of food brought above and beyond what was expected. And alcohol. That takes up room, too.
Show me Potato Salad! - Your standard red potato salad with all your standard ingredients plus bacon. Who doesn't like bacon? Even devout Jews eat bacon. Bacon makes everything better. Dogs like bacon (so they think!). You can't go wrong with bacon.
State Fair Corn Dogs - Here was the true schadenfreude. As previously mentioned, though LSU fans do NOT, in fact, eat corn dogs at their tailgates, they do still smell as such. So, we served these delicate little morsels. Their inherent deliciousness was only exceeded by the thought that every time I ate one, I ate away part of their SEC West hopes.
Coconut Chicken with Pina Colada sauce - This was the (somewhat) surprising entrant. None of us really counted on a meal of such intricacy to be present, but who are we to complain at the generosity of our business invitees? In the interest of being honest, I loathe coconut. I did find, however, this meal to be enjoyable in spite of my predetermined feelings towards coconut. The PC sauce, though, was gone before I could sample it.
Brownies - Brownies are great. To preempt, no, they were not special, nor made of Girl Scouts. Sickos.
For the libations, there was cheap American macrobrews. There was also a wonderful rendition of homemade tea ("sweet tea", for you Northern heathens) and bourbon.
All in all, a very enjoyable experience. I myself would have liked a shade more notice so I could attempt to prepare something requiring a bit more skill (like the beef brisket that went over VERY well at the UF/UT game, or perhaps my dry-rub rib recipe), but the food, company, and result of the game were most enjoyable.
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