It's Only for Now

by Staff,

We here at PLS recently had a long late night fireside discussion involving cognac, cigars and smoking jackets. Among the many different topics touched on, the future was discussed the most. In doing so, we realized that our futures needed to be secured in a guaranteed way. Thus, with that vague statement, we're going to say that we're going on a hiatus for a few weeks.

The lack of posting perhaps made it evident that something was up. Life for Slate, Iroquois and Annie has become rather helter skelter lately. Unfortunately, it will only become more crazy in the coming weeks. There will be a point when things will be considerably less hectic and our posts can get back to a normal pace and level of excellence. We look forward to those days not only because we will be able to write regularly again, but because our stress levels will go back to average levels.

We have a regular group of readers, and we appreciate you coming here. We respect you more than just to spit out random crap and trying to get inconsistent bad posts up in the next few weeks would not reflect that. Without you guys (we know you are out there regardless of the lack of a commentariat), we would be realizing a fear we discussed when we open the site: that we'd be yelling into the dark void of nothingness that is "the internet."

This doesn't mean we are done forever. That is hardly the case. We want to keep this up as we enjoy writing it hopefully as much as you enjoy reading it. As mentioned before, we will be back in a few weeks. There may be a few posts here and there, but regular daily posting will not happen on a normal basis.

So thank you for reading this site and look for us down the road. When we come back, we will be stronger, more incisive and more laced with cursing than ever.

So long, for now, friends.

Our last words before we sign off for our hiatus: "To hell with Georgia, Vols suck Balls, Fuck the Noles, No Fat Chicks and DIS IS NOT A MOVIE!"

Attention

by Staff

Tomorrow will be an important announcement made about this site.

That is all.

Hats off to (Joe) Mauer

by Slate Quicksilver

Busy busy busy past weekend and busy week coming up.

But not long ago I lamented what could have been Joe Mauer's eventual flight to a big market team, but here's to him and the Twins for getting it done.

Both sides did get it done. Good for him, and good for the Twins for giving their franchise a direction for the next decade. 184 million over 8 years seems high, but Joe Mauer certainly deserves a pay raise. Most importantly for Mauer, he got a full no trade clause.

Whether he will regret that in 4 or 5 years... we'll see.

Explanation of the BCEEEEWTSWEX

by Staff

Folks, the tourney has started and brackets are already being ripped to shreds. Vanderbilt losing to Murray State was a bad one. Georgetown's crapping of the bed against Ohio was a murderous one for those who fell in love with the Hoyas' physical game. Notre Dame's loss was... expected, actually, while Richmond was a great sleeper pick for everyone until St. Mary's ran them over.

The BCEEEEWTSWEX, which is linked here (also linked previously), must now be explained further. We have our real brackets in there: "Iroquois Legit," "Annie D.'s" and "Slate For Reals" are the ones to watch to actually compete against.

But we have other ones. Iroquois has his chalk bracket, which is very "yawn" inducing, but the Mascots on a Sandwich bracket is far more interesting. It is exactly what its name implies. If your mascot tastes better on a sandwich, you win. Texas is his winner there because, let's face it, a Bevo Burger sounds great. Oddly enough, as of 9:30 on the first day, that bracket is winning the pool and is in the 99th percentile.

Slate has his Homer bracket, where he picks which team he hates less as the winner and his Mom's bracket, who is none too pleased to hear that the Gators exited this afternoon. But it is the Mascot battle, which is probably the ballsiest bracket ever. After assembling a crack squad of experts, it was determined who would win the matchup based on who would win in fight between the nicknames. Obviously the Musketeers would beat the Gophers and the Cougars would beat the Terrapins. But what about the Big Red versus the Owls? It was determined that an Owl would choke on Big Red bubble gum... thus the Big Red moves on. The testicular fortitude came with the fact that the SCHOOL doesn't matter. So as it turns out, all of the #1 seeds went out in the first round because they are all wimpy. The Orangemen? They get eaten by the Catamounts. The Jayhawks? They get killed by the Mountain Hawks. It was a fun bracket to fill out, but one that doomed to absolute failure.

We'll keep you posted in the coming days on how things go.

Link to the PLS Bracket Group

Posted by Iroquois Plisken


So that you can keep track of us, here's the link to exceedingly long acronymmed name.

Potlick Sports BCEEEEWTSWEX

by Slate Quicksilver

As promised, here is an overview of the Bracket Challenge of Excellence, Explosions and Extraneous Examples of Words that Start With "EX!" pool. (/cue face melting guitar solo with explosion)

Pools, and the brackets that make them up, are nothing more than guess work. Oh sure. You do some research. You look at some matchups, pick a few upsets, see who beat who during the regular season... that kind of stuff.

But in the end, it's almost always the opposite of what you thought would happen. No, that 13 seed actually stood no chance against that 4 because they came from a laughably bad conference regardless of their 20 game winning streak. And yes, you should have just picked the favorite in the second round because the underdog they were playing was lucky to even be in the tournament, much less making it out of the first round.

We here at PLS do our due diligence and do brackets. We research, like you, and fail, like you. We don't have any expert knowledge above what ESPN and yahoo.com tell us, and we follow our gut, like you. But we also do awesome brackets.

We will have (to be posted later)...
From Iroquois: A "practice" bracket
-"Chalk" bracket
-A bracket where the winner is picked by who would taste better in a sandwich and maybe even a real bracket with some effort.

From Annie: A real bracket
- A bracket which is somehow oriented towards puppies

From Slate: A real bracket
- A homer bracket where all the winners are picked on who he likes and hates
- A mascot battle bracket wherein the winner is based on who would win in a fight
- A bracket done by his mother.

There could be more, as time permits, but we will keep everyone posted with the standings and the logic behind our picks once we can post them.

In the end we will compare these to national averages and you can compare them to yours. If any of the weird ones do better than you, you should probably never do one again.

(spoiler alert: The Mascot Battle Bracket has all #1 seeds going down in the first round. Not sure how well that one will do...)

Programming Note

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Due to the labor intensive process of interviewing Stan Van Gundy, there will be no new content from me tonight.

Coming Wednesday, look for a preview of the NCAA Tournament, SVG Auto Sales style.

Our Staff Progressively Gets Older

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Since he got a job and likely won't be on to say so himself, we at PLS would like to wish our own Red Herring a very happy birthday today. We suspect that Red is only slightly less irritable today than he is usually.

Upcoming Attractions

by Slate Quicksilver

This upcoming week is one that should have you giddy like a 13 year old before a Jonas Brothers concert.

Why?

We will have the PLS OFFICIAL BRACKET CHALLENGE OF EXCELLENCE, EXPLOSIONS AND EXTRANEOUS EXAMPLES OF WORDS THAT START WITH "EX!" (/cue face melting guitar riff and explosion), we will have a PLS exclusive recap of the US Men's Curling National Championship Draw (seriously we were there) and an informative entry on how to curl.

Plans are being designed on the PLS bracket competition featuring our brackets and several gimmick brackets (mascot battle, weight of letters, our moms) which we will report on vigorously. Also, maybe half expect a weekend Final Word (!) next Sunday recapping the tournament.

Here's a little music to get you jacked up to the point where running through a 5 foot thick concrete barrier would be the only way to satisfy your lust for destruction! If you can make it two minutes in without throwing your computer through a brick wall, you are a champion.

So get excited people, and we'll see you down the road.

Watching a Trainwreck in Real Time

by Slate Quicksilver

Being a Florida Marlins fan, seeing mlb.com's report on Sportscenter that Joe Mauer hasn't resigned with the Twins yet but is "hopeful" that a deal will get done soon or during next offseason set off a 5 bell alarm. That part of the sentence in bold requires a closer inspection, but first, my credentials. I've seen this movie unfold so many times, I can call the script before it even happens. This has happened no less than 15 times with my team, the Florida Marlins (although there are some who apparently think we don't exist). I won't stand for their crimes against the game of baseball, but I am a fan. I was taught to root for your team through thick and thin, and seeing this report about Mauer and the Twins is troubling because I've seen this movie before; and it never ends well.

First off, let's look at the mlb.com part. If this report came out, it is solely done by the Mauer camp. The Twins don't want their poker hand shown to the rest of the world. That hand? A four, six, seven, jack and a king... all off suit. They are strapped for cash, simply put. They have Justin Morneau on board for 8 digits (12.5 mil) and Mauer will unquestionably be an 8 digit man himself. Joe Nathan checks in a 6 million (which he may get paid even if he fishes all season) and Mr. Mauer, himself, cashes in 6.25 million and for some reason Jim Thome is on the ledger for 13 million. Those four gentleman, at the status quo, account for nearly 75% of the Twins team salary (65 million + change). The Twins, in other words, can't take on Mauer and Morneau (and Thome). If anyone tipped the media off, it was a Mauer rep.

Secondly, let's look at the "hopeful" part. All accounts that are in the know agree that Joe Mauer is a stand up guy. He has offered a hometown discount to the Twins and he has made it clear he wants to stay there. Now allow me give you a few names of players who did this for the team I root for: Charles Johnson, Kevin Brown, Al Leiter, Gary Sheffield, Moises Alou, Luis Castillo, Jeff Conine (x2), Preston Wilson, Cliff Floyd, Josh Beckett, AJ Burnett, Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis. In fact the only great (yes I called Preston Wilson great... wanna fight about it?) player the Marlins have had in the last 15 years who made no appearance of being "hopeful" that he could stay with the team and give them a discount was Hanley Ramirez, who the Marlins promptly responded by giving him a 5 year 75 million dollar contract. Great players on small market teams all want to stay (or at least say they do) but baseball is a business. If offered a "wowza" contract, Mauer will be gone in half a minute.

Let's finish with the time frame for getting it done. When it gets done is moot. To Mauer, that is. Joe can bide his time... even he signs tomorrow the contract doesn't go in to effect until next year... so monetarily he is ambivalent. But for the Twins, time is oxygen. He will be an unrestricted free agent, but only after a certain date. This means that the Twins are the only ones who can talk to him. This is the ball being shoved into the Twins' court and reminding them about the cloud of impending doom over their heads. That cloud is saturated with the fact that the free agent deadline on July 31st is a "make a deal or forever hold your peace" deadline for the organization. They have a new ballpark and they stole the division last year and are the favorites this year. Signing Mauer would basically give the direction for this decade. Yet, they haven't done it. They haven't done it yet and if they don't do it by July 31st they lose the safety net of compensation. Mauer will become unrestricted sometime in November and then he's moves in open water. At least if they trade him before 7/31, they get something back. Prospects, a few good players... whatever. If he signs as an unrestricted FA, they get nothing.

So basically the Twins have a choice.
Door #1: Resign Mauer longterm and expensively
Door #2: Trade him in late July to get some prospects
or Door #3: Stall too long and allow for the Yankees to fly a helicopter to the Mauer Estate and dump money on his roof until he's the starting catcher who replaces Jorge Posada in Yankee Stadium (OMG THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENZZZZ!!!).

My prediction: Door #3.

Well good night folks and Red, go wash your hands and keyboard after reading this.

Taking a Stomp in Weezy F. Baby's Sneaks---The New Orleans Trip

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Having now made it back from New Orleans in one piece (and a couple days at the beach), I now recap what I can remember about the whole thing. There were a lot of good stories and I will do my best to recollect what was going on, including a couple of places visited and the logo on the outside of the place just so others can follow in my trail or (dis)agree with me on how great some of the places are/were.

First, I want to make a couple of points about food. Being there pretty much makes you want to eat everything and I certainly did my best to do so. For those unfamiliar with the New Orleans cuisine, this guy provides a good primer. Typical examples include jambalaya, gumbo, red beans and rice, etouffes, and the like. Two places that particularly stood out (and what I got):

1. Serio's Deli and the Muffeletta Sandwich - If Serio's sounds familiar, it might be because you saw it on TV...

















Yep, Bobby Flay took on these guys in a muffeletta challenge and lost. So there you go. It was especially close to where I was staying, so I snagged one of these bad boys before I left town.

I had never had one of these sandwiches before. For the unenlightened, a muffeletta is a Creole sandwich with salami and ham and swiss cheese with an olive salad on the top, primarily consisting of pimentos, both black and green olives, carrot coins, celery, and maybe pickled cauliflower (which is what I recall this particular sandwich having). Typically, they are enormous sandwiches served on circular bread and can be purchased by the half or whole (and in some places, quarter).

Now I may not have been many places in my entire life, but I am a sucker for a) popularly endorsed stuff on television and b) eating, but this meal in particular ranks up there with the best meals I've had. It was breathtaking. In fact, I couldn't stop raving about the sandwich and convinced two of my friends to get one as well. Wow. Besides the cold cuts being choice stuff, the olive salad was the star and the support of the sandwich. I am now looking for something to come close to recreating this masterpiece of human achievement.

Additionally, I was told I missed out on the Central Grocer, who serves a dynamite one of these as well, but I didn't get the memo before I left town.

Speaking of places I saw on TV...

2. The Acme Oyster House and the Chargrilled Oysters


I'm not one for raw oysters. They're pretty dirty creatures on the whole. Still, I was on vacation, so I would set aside any preconceived notions of anything. The very first night we were looking for some grub, and I just happened to spot the above neon. Because I love watching shows about eating and cooking, I remembered this episode of Man v. Food. Adam Richman does the 15 dozen (180) oyster challenge. As of the filming of the episode, only 28 out of 150 people had finished them, but Man won that round.

Now, I didn't attempt to try 180, but two dozen was the order of the day. Simply amazing and this coming from a guy who doesn't normally eat oysters. I found a recipe that matches the description that the waitress gave me for how it was prepared so I will have to try this again someday. Because I live close to Appalachicola (Oyster City; it provides a lot of SE states with oysters), this may be sooner rather than later. This was definitely #2 in foods on the trip (close behind Serio's), and they definitely blew everything else out of the water.

Incidentally, I also went to Mother's for the Ferdie Special, where Richman also dined. That was where I was beginning to speculate upon my previous article.

I also want to give an extra special mention to one of my hosts this weekend, who manages the Gordon Biersch in New Orleans, right across the street from Harrah's. Definitely recommend checking them out if you have one nearby, especially for the beer. If you're a stud muffin, you can get a beer boot. Yes, like the one from Beerfest.

Coming Friday...bar reviews.

Son of a Sailor

by Slate Quicksilver

Current events in Quicksilver-land caused a complete lack of time to post anything of merit. I could be compelled to shell out some garbage that is completely devoid of any thought, intelligence, merit or regard for history or the present.

But instead of touching off a potential war in the sports "journalism" field, I'd rather just give you a song that will bring up the fact that will get you pumped that winter is over.

That's right people, winter's cold dead touch is has retreated back to the frozen expanse of wasteland and taiga completely empty of warmth of any kind; physical or human: Canada. Gardens will start blooming. Summer ales are brewing. Golf bags are being taken out of moth ball storage. Sandals are being removed from closets. Oh, what's that? You live in the "South"? Oh, I'm sorry that you don't understand that "seasons" "happen" "on a yearly basis." This song, this author's personal favorite of Mr. Buffett, has always been equated to warmth in my head.

We'll be back tomorrow with an actual sports related thing. But in the mean time, enjoy.

Reflections of NOLA

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

As it is SPRING BREAK (insert glass shattering / someone socking a random in the jaw) time at my revered trade school, the crew and I ventured to New Orleans for the first time (my first time, anyhow). Recollections and pictures to be posted upon my return to the Internet (I'm sending this from my mobile device).

But, during the stupor of a recovery meal, I found myself with a nearly overwhelming sense of what the Super Bowl has meant to the city of New Orleans. You see all of these little mom-and-pop establishments who have their Katrina story posted right on their menu. Every single one of them mentions the Saints.

The city has been consumed by the team winning. Everywhere, you get "Who dat?" (or its relaive "We dat!"). I saw Ba Lee Dat and other variations on the Dat slogan. I saw a deity Brees branding Manning the centaur. The street artists had pictures commemorating the event. In short, you can't swing a dead cat in NOLA and not hit something with a fleur-de-lis.

I myself previoudly thought that the Saints winning wasn't any different than the Bucs winning. Tampa had a long history of futility also. Their draft picks were notoriously bad. They had a nickname signifying their awfulness. They won a Super Bowl after a major acquisition.

But the one thing Tampa really lacks in this comparison is a profound sense of importance to the city. If (heaven forbid) the Bucs were to leave or move, the city would probably take a hit to its pride and they'd be over it in a couple years. If the Saints were to disappear, I don't know if New Orleans would be the same. One of the first things you see coming in on 10 West is the Superdome and I guarantee the first billboard you see has to do with football.

Just like Katrina, everyone has their own Saints story. Even the homeless folks. I chatted with a homeless guy outside of a bar that didn't allow outside drinks (more on those in Part II) and he was telling me about an experience he had with a past player (don't know who) serving him soup at a refugee camp after Katrina. The city needs its Saints like Bourbon Street needs its drunk assholes craving Hurricanes and Hand Grenades.

They aren't the New Orleans Saints because they are a football team that plays there. They are the city in a je ne sais quoi way that is unique even among the best of college towns. And there's really no better way to describe it other than to take in the atmosphere holding a drink in hand watching dumb tourists yell "Who dat?" and having an entire area, from big shots to bum raps, respond "We dat!"

Because it is that guy wearing the Drew Brees jersey while cooking a fresh batch of jambalaya that may as well be Drew Brees himself. I know that I couldn't tell after a little while.

Offseason Chatter: NFL Free Agency Starts Today

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

No doubt adding to Slate's documented ire of overanalyzing the NFL during the offseason, here I am with some more tinder for the fire. I would posit, though, that talking about free agency on the day it opens up isn't really just ESPN filling up airspace. This is a potentially historic offseason for the NFL. It is the first year in quite some time that there is no salary cap. Naturally, this leads to people freaking out. A sample conversation with that dimwit that everyone knows who is prone to overreaction:

You: Hey friend, did you see free agency opened up today? It's an uncapped year.

Your Stupid and Smelly Friend: OH MY GOD UNCAPPED YEAR FOOTBALL WILL BE RUINED THAT SAME WAY BASEBALL IS RUINED TOO MANY SUPERPOWERHOUSE TEAMS LIKE TEH YANKEES AND THE RED SOCKS AND THE YANKESE WILL MAKE THE NFL BORING.

You: Mmm hmm. Well, that's...very good...for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

First things first, your friend talks loudly and in run-on sentences. Second, he's prone to repeating things. Third, baseball is not ruined for having an uncapped salary system (although there are deficiencies in the system; I'd start with not being allowed to pocket shared revenue).

But you, the suave and debonair reader of PLS, know that there are other factors in play here. First (and this can and will be overstated by ESPN) is obviously the economy. If this morning's trends are any indication of what to come, you'll have the same mix of things that happens in baseball: a few teams, once constrained by terrible franchise crippling decisions or inability or willingness to spend top dollar, will go for the gusto. A few will look to shed dead weight. Others still will sit on the sidelines (like my team). Nothing to see here.

Second, nothing really stands to change in terms of actual players being signed, in terms of salaries. I may be alone in this belief, but I believe the salary cap causes teams to act in irrational ways. To analogize, think of it as driving your car on a highway with a hard speed limit, viz. any attempt to exceed the limit is impossible. You're stuck in traffic behind some cars that are going about 8-10 MPH under the limit, but you, the normally smarter and more composed driver, know that you could be doing things better. It inevitably become frustrating following these drivers because you know there is room to work but there's just no opportunity to break free. Finally, you have room to your left to pass and, lo and behold, the hard speed limit disappears. What's your first reaction? I would guess that you're going to floor it to pass these slow assholes that have been holding up your inevitable Manifest Destiny to wherever it is you're going.

To borrow a non-NFL example, we can look to the NBA (which lacks a hard cap, but the idea's the same). After years of being crippled (no pun intended) by the Grant Hill contract and burdened by other various failures (Steve Francis), at the end of the 2006-07 season, the Magic finally shed constraints that didn't allow them to spend any money on improving the team except for essentially lateral moves. What was the first thing Orlando did? Ridiculously overpaid Rashard Lewis in a sign-and-trade. Seriously, they paid a max contract (6 yr/$120M) to a non max player, bidding against no one but themselves.

Tying it all back together, just because all of a sudden the NFL teams have a ton of freedom and can ostensibly spend as much as they want may result in a temporary increase in irrational spending, but it likely won't produce any more than your standard stupid contracts. Just for funsies, here's some ridiculously good links to some ridiculously bad contracts, first for baseball and second for basketball @ http://www.scoresreport.com/2009/03/05/the-nbas-68-worst-contracts/ (For some reason, I can't hotlink it from this page). As those links should demonstrate, stupidity in player valuation runs rampant in both capped and uncapped leagues. As noted before, the economy should keep most of the really bad decisions in check.

A couple miscellany heading into your weekend:

- Team Jolly Drank is now 2-0 with a 21-4 demolishing of the previous squad. One guy was so hammered he could barely stand up and was definitely an all-star. In the last inning, when it was apparent the other side was going to lose, Drunky McSwingerson hits a frozen rope to center, which was bobbled. D McS jogs to second and his buddy is pissed and starts yelling. D McS calmly replies, "Bro, we're down 21-4. What I do isn't going to make a difference." I love freshmen.

- I see that Slate introduced the fantasy baseball league. I am offended he calls it an "annoying habit of winning" though. It's not annoying at all (for me, anyway). I can see where it would piss people off that I called my shot by naming my team "3 Year Winner" and won both regular season and playoff crown, even in spite of the legendary A-Rod for Bill Hall/Ryan Zimmerman trade (you can assume that neither Slate nor I were in that deal), which is Slate's favorite argument in favor of democratic vetoes of trades, which might make an interesting point/counterpoint later on.

- In the future, also look for a primer on our baseball terminology as we have quite a few nicknames that will casually tossed around. We'll start with Doug Davis, for example. Doug Davis' name is Doug the Dino.

- Finally, just in case there was ever any doubt in your mind about whether or not what you see is a movie, this car (courtesy of my neighbor) removes any and all doubt.





Enjoy your weekend, everyone.

GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR RETURNS

by Slate Quicksilver

He's back and more destructive than ever. GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR returned in full carnage and this time, it gets a touch personal.

For those of you keeping score at home, GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR was first seen on this site back in October creating a supernova, going back in time and destroying the Galileo spacecraft and annihilating the moon. Now, it looks as though he is back... this time with far deadlier consequences.

But let's look at it from GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's position. He was sleeping in a massive glacier, minding his own business, and then an ice breaker ship, who is there specifically to break up ice floes in the arctic winter, cracks the ice and wakes him up. I doubt you could say that GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR was overreacting when he summoned his Thundaga-class ELECTROHOCKEYSTICK from thin air and then slashed the ship into two pieces (73 good sailors went down with the ship) because they woke him up. You'd be pissed too!

Then the next logical thing, if you are GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR, is to jump into a fighter jet and slip on a badass pair of aviator sunglasses. What is most troubling to all living things in the universe is that clearly there is more than 1 GALACTOHOCKEYBEARs. In fact, there is a whole squadron of them. Although GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR does like to do the damage with his own paws, sometimes its more fun to let missiles do the trick. That's why Miami (OH) University gets destroyed. And Ohio State... well we can take a good guess why a few AGM-84 Maverick missiles landed there. Michigan State, specifically Spartan Stadium, got strafed as well proving that GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR was playing for keeps.

But then, a more logical thought process emerged. Why waste our time destroying solely the campuses of the CCHA conference schools, and just destroy the entire planet? Thus GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR 1 drops a nuke into a volcano creating a chain of events that would make Ernst Stavro Blofeld need to change his pants that culminated in the complete destruction of Earth.

The explosion, one of cataclysmic proportions, goes on to fling GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's jet at nearly the speed of the light and into a wormhole. The jet, unable to go as fast as it going, breaks up and GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR punches the eject and begins his final entry vector with his ELECTROHOCKEYSTICK blazing.

It finally all becomes clear. To get to the Carlson Center, in Fairbanks, Alaska, where GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's team plays, he needed to destroy the Earth to get to the terminal velocity to get him up to speed to activate the wormhole just to arrive at the Carlson Center just on time so he can bust through the roof (killing 18 people who were sucked out in the vacuum of space), take the puck at center ice, deke a few times and fire a shot at the net causing yet another explosion.

So to summarize: GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR kills about 6.5 billion people, but scored a goal.

With the college hockey regular season ending just recently, one can only imagine what GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's encore will be.

Potluck Sports Bloodletting

by Slate Quicksilver

There are times when human nature creates a storm of blood lust within the dimensions of our skulls from which the only way to cure yourself is to go to the field of battle and have it out with your opponents. Boxing, MMA, chess boxing, rollerderby and the round after the final spin of Wheel of Fortune are all perfect examples of the human condition getting to its boiling point and exploding in a fit of rage. For centuries, men have fought men for no particular reason. Countries have gone to war for far less reasons than, say, an aunt of one side being insulted.

As you have seen in the incubation period of our fine site, we have had a few point-counterpoint exchanges and general disagreements. We have all had reason to kill each other in a fit of anger, but we are civil people (although Red needs to see Sunshine on my Shoulder by John Denver no less than 4 times consecutively after seeing the Yankees lose). So we will take our feuds to the field of battle.

To which field do I refer to? A field that our ancestors longed to shed the blood and tears of their opponents so that they could build what we know as culture and civilization could exist as it does now. A field which is so expansive and unforgiving that neither Hitler, Napoleon, Cortes, Sun Tzu, Xerxes, Ramses II nor Ugg the Neanderthal ever dared to expose their vast war machines to it.

We're talking: Fantasy baseball.

Slate, Iroquois, Annie and Red all have teams in the same 12 team league. The league? A recreation of a league used long ago (re: as far back as 2 years ago). Iroquois has an annoying habit of winning, but this is year that things will be different.

The categories:
Hitting: Runs, singles, doubles, triples, home runs, RBIs, stolen bases, walks, errors, batting average and slugging %.
Pitching: Innings pitched, wins, complete games, shutouts, saves, earned runs (total), strikeouts, ERA, WHIP, strikeouts per 9 innings.

21 categories. 10 hitting. 10 pitching. 1 defensive.

12 teams. 6 to the playoffs. 1 winner.

We will keep you posted here as the season goes on as blood is spilled, friendships are put on hold and plots are schemed, hatched and exposed. In doing so we hope to bring baseball knowledge (we all have some) but also to expose the to the world how brutal this sport is.

Sketches on Collective Stupidity

by Slate Quicksilver

(Ed note: Make Yourself a sandwich before this post... it's a long one)
(Ed note^2: Long but awesome)

In case you either don't like sports or haven't been awake since Sunday evening, I think you should know that Canada won the gold medal game in hockey at the Olympics against the US. It was one of the best games of hockey in the last decade or so and not just in context or timing, but in terms of actual hockey. It was amazing that there were no commercials during the intermission, the game was up and down with great plays on defense and amazing saves by the goalies. When Zach Parise (someone I personally I do not like) tied the game up with half a minute left in the third period, cheering was audibly heard in the streets of the hockey wasteland known as Kansas City. The game winning goal was a great two man play, equivalent to a give and go from the top of the key in basketball. If it wasn't a pre-planned play, it certainly looked like one. Goalie Ryan Miller never stood a chance with a good player freely bearing down on the net (being an indoor soccer goalie, this one sympathizes).

The NHL went back to work last night. The Red Wings, who sent no less 35% of their roster to the Winter Games, played their old rivals the Avalanche (who sent 20% of their roster), in a close game which the Red Wings won with a late goal 3-2. The players, to a casual observer, looked normal. The trained eye saw certain players not working as hard cycling the puck in the corners, forwards playing international style of the game (more individual effort than team effort) and the game slowing down at the ends of periods. Basically, it was noticeable that certain players were drained while others had 2 weeks to go fishing.

This brings us to the crux of the situation. USA goalie Ryan Miller, who is also inconveniently the goalie for the Buffalo Sabres, has a game tonight. And not just against anyone. The Sabres play in Pittsburgh tonight against the Penguins, whose captain is none other than the golden goal man himself, Sidney Crosby.

"AN OLYMPIC REMATCH!!!!!1!!!" is basically what any communications network, whether TV, radio, interwebz, telegraph, long wave maritime facsimile or smoke signal that has a tilt towards the sporting world is claiming about this game. Sportscenter is creaming its pants over this matchup. So much so that all day on Sportscenter, which they show for 14 hours (not a joke) on an average weekday, they have been asking their "experts" from all sports their opinion. Opinion on what, you may ask? They want their opinion on the audacity and nerve of Ryan Miller and the Buffalo Sabres organization and their decision sit Ryan Miller tonight for the aforementioned "rematch." Yes, Ryan Miller will be dressed, but will not start in Pittsburgh tonight.

This has caused ESPN to collapse into a singularity. Some, namely the hockey people like Barry Melrose and John Buccigross (who anchors in the afternoon and a regular... and very good... writer for their hockey section on espn.com) favor sitting Miller in a relatively meaningless game in the face of the NHL season and the playoffs; both are easily upper playoff seeds with just over a month to go and they don't need him to get hurt. But it is the "experts" who are just hopelessly clueless about the game and show that although hockey was done a favor by the Olympics and the results, the sport is still climbing uphill to restore its place in the American sports-industrial complex. The "experts" try to bring their sport's culture into it or just show how little they care/know(/both).

Using the 2 P.M. Sportscenter hosted by John Buccigross and Chris McKendry (two of the upper echilon anchors on the network in my opinion), I went through each "expert" opinion. The more I watched, the dumber I felt and the worse I felt for the game of hockey.

Bruce Bowen (Credentials: NBA player for 13 seasons/NBA defensive player of the year '03/'05/'07)

"I think he should play." He took the "the Olympics were great and the NHL needs the publicity" and the "you need to help your teammates." The clincher of stupidity was Bowen saying that Miller needs to realize that athletes sometimes play "back to back"s. Clearly Bowen never played anything other than basketball. The back to back he was referring to was that the Sabres play tomorrow. But a hockey back to back is one thousand fold tougher on the body than a basketball back to back game situation. Also, Bruce Bowen never came off the Olympics after losing the biggest game in more than decade. In fact, Bruce Bowen's international career is highlighted by a 3rd place finish at the 2006 FIBA World Championships where he didn't even play in the game where we got eliminated.

Doug Gottlieb (Credentials: College Basketball player for Oklahoma State/ESPN Radio/White Guy)

"I'm guessing that he is completely exhausted from (his schedule) and his extra effort that he gave even though he wasn't on the ice when they scored the game tying goal," and "everyone makes the playoffs... hahaha." Although he believes he should be sitting, his opinion shows he knows absolutely nothing about hockey. The everyone makes the playoffs shtick is old. We hear that, but never hear that the same number of teams make the playoffs in theNBA. And the "not on the ice" thing shows how little he knows about the sport. He wasn't on the ice so that we could get an extra attacker and more than that even if he were on the ice, he wouldn't be up in offensive zone because he is the goalie! Yet again, this shows how bad it is for hockey in the mainstream. Hosts on flagship networks don't even understand the simple mechanics of a major sport.

Todd McShay (Credentials: Somehow gets paid to predict NFL players draft chances because he is only slightly better than flipping a coin/hates Tim Tebow/White Guy)

"He probably should play (in terms of PR) but let's give him the night off (after what he did for us)." A very legitimate opinion from a guy who makes his money in an illegitimate business ruining college kids careers because their agility cone time is only 94% the average of their position's average.

Herm Edwards (Credentials: Former NFL player, Former Head Coach of the Jets and Chiefs) and Barry Melrose (Credentials: Only person this mix who ever played hockey in the NHL/Coached LA Kings to Stanley Cup Finals... and lost... in 1993/has a mullet)

Herm and Barry "squared off" with both anchor kind of moderating. Here is a brief breakdown. Barry said he should not play. No way. He is spent physically and mentally... especially mentally. And that's when stupid injuries happen. Herm retorted with (for some reason) dropping a puck he had in his suit pocket and saying that if he were the player he "would tell the coach 'I'm Playing.' Unless he takes my shoes and stick, I'm playing." Barry countered with "this is not a big game and Miller needs rest". Herm, who clearly knows little about the game much less the current NHL season, said "YES IT IS A BIG GAME!" Barry tried to interject but Herm, talking a mile a minute, wouldn't budge even going as far to saying that Barry was once a player. This got Barry off his block, because Barry was terrible at hockey and he is very defensive about that, and basically Herm won the argument because Melrose was basically done talking about Miller and was ready to talk about something else.

You (Credentials: You are the country and you are voting. You =people at work but not working, college kids, people with nothing better to do, the unemployed)

Sportscenter does these polls to get your opinion. "Your" being those who vote on these polls. 63% of "You" said he should play, 37% of "You" said he shouldn't.

By the way, the game is not on national TV. If you have FoxSports Pittsburgh of MSG-B, you can watch the game at 7:30. Anyone else, you can go to bar and ask your soon to be puzzled bartender or waitress if they have the hockey package on DirecTV. Don't be surprised if you get laughed at.

Shaq Goes Down For A Bit

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Perhaps Stan was a shade hasty in proclaiming the Cavs the team to beat. At least for a couple of months, Shaquille O'Neal will be sidelined with a bent up thumb. If you weren't watching the Cavs/Celts tilt last week, Glen Davis (whom I refuse to address by nickname; it is just as irritating now as it was when he was at LSU) fouled Shaq kinda hard on the way up and came down on his shooting hand. A Celtics player playing rough and having the foul downplayed? Why, this has never happened! Surely, just an oversight by the ref; he must have been new. To be fair to Davis, it wasn't deliberate or anything, just some good old fashioned hard contact that should have drawn a foul. It wasn't like he threw someone into the scorer's table.

Nevertheless, this is rough for the Cavaliers. Antawn Jamison has not shown a lot of expediency getting acquainted with his new team, and the Cavalier's favorite lineup (as opposed to best?) is now missing its enforcer. The awkward chemistry issues will be present yet again when (if?) Shaq returns to the Cavs. You would think it wouldn't take long to adjust into the lineup for Cleveland because Jamison played with a C who was a steady defensive presence and had cranked up the offense for the season (Brendan Haywood), which sounds like the renewed Shaquille O'Neal this season, but it's not like LeBron James was Caron Butler or anything. Tawn could always do what the rest of the team does and just watch James play.

Cleveland doesn't appear to be in any danger of losing the top spot in the East either. As of now, they are 6 games ahead of Orlando for the top spot, and nearly 10 ahead of both Atlanta and Boston. Where this could get interesting is the overall playoff seeding, which determines HCA in the Finals. As of now, Cleveland only holds a 1 game lead over the Lake Show for the top seed in the playoffs, which seems especially vulnerable right now. However, the LAL have a fairly tough schedule until March 22nd (the first day that Cleveland can resign Zydrunas Ilgauskas), with 6 road games, the only tough one being @ Orlando this upcoming Sunday. Nevertheless, road games are always kind of a crapshoot and you never know.

Fortunately, Cleveland's schedule up until the 22nd features only two Cs they should really have trouble with: Tim Duncan (on the 8th) and Kendrick Perkins (on the 14th). They also might have trouble with Brook Lopez (NJN) later this week, but it's the Nets. Because they possess such considerable depth at PF , they should be able to withstand any challenge at PF (notably, Chicago with the resurgent Taj Gibson and Indiana, with Troy Murphy). Cleveland will also have Shaq ready for the Lakers and Orlando, as they only face Orlando once before the playoffs. If everything stays as it is, Orlando (as the 2 seed) would not see Cleveland again until the East Finals and the Lakers the NBA Finals. That's the good news.

The Ilgauskas buyout was (in hindsight) timed perfectly, not that there is any implication of collusion. The Shaq surgery has the potential to be a boon for the Cavs because of the rest his knees will get. Those Clevelanders who want LBJ to stay at home should be counting their lucky stars (for now) because this could be a blessing in disguise in King James' quest for coronation.