OH OH OH... My Turn! Sad Big Ten Bloggers are Sad

by Slate Quicksilver

A hissy-fit turned slapfight has broken out in the parking lot that is the 7-11 of the internet (/metaphor'd):  sports blogs.  With all of the SEC threat-speak and the Big Ten's midwesterner-approved humble, yet firm, blockage of a college football playoff, one of the resident bloggers at ESPN's Big Ten college football blog weighed in on the situation.

Let's meta this bitch, fire Joe Morgan style (pours one out):

B1G's Playoff Position (pay attention, SEC)
Right off the bat, the title goes for the jugular in a midwestern-Methodist kind of way.  This isn't 50 Cent dropping a dis track on Rick Ross nor is it T. Boone Pickens slapping Drake around... no.  This is a middle aged Father scolding a neighborhood boy for showboating during a driveway basketball game against his daughter.  "Now pay attention, Rondell..."


For a league that prides itself on superior on-field speed, the SEC seems pretty slow in grasping the Big Ten's playoff position. 
SEC commish Mike Slive just lolwhat'd for a second time and we're only one sentence in.  Of course the SEC has grasped the Big Ten's playoff position:  ROSE BOWL UBER ALLES!

Then again, SEC folks seem to bristle at anyone who doesn't pay homage to their greatness, kiss their feet and fall in line with their view.
I was at very pro-Big Ten bar last night and someone didn't kiss my recently playing softball feet.  I had my royal guardsman, Stone, break a pool cue over his neck for his insolence.  We had to leave, with haste, so I left a few pieces of gold on the bar and we proceeded to burn the establishment down with kerosene after barricading the door on the outside.  We had to cleanse the earth of these unclean miscreants who dare question the true power of the SEC.

What puzzles me are the claims by SEC coaches -- and some of the pom-pon-toting media in Destin, Fla. -- that the evil Big Ten continues to cling to a plan that would send only conference champions to a playoff.
At this point it's become clear that this guy either understand college football like a passing seagull understands the car that it just shit on's combustion engine or he is just like those "pom-pom toting media in Destin" except his hair has Big Ten ribbons in it.  J'Accuse!!!

It's easy and quite frankly a bit lazy to place the Big Ten and Delany in the antagonist role, the counter to all things good and just about the SEC's plan.
Things that are also easy to say because they are true:




Puppies are cute
There are few things more refreshing than a cold beer after yard work
John Stamos is a good looking man for his, and any, age
Denard Robinson would be a slot receiver in the SEC
The Big Ten and Jim Delany are in the antagonist role



Yes, the Big Ten favors playoff access for conference champions. Yes, Delany has made some silly comments in recent weeks, including his recent remark to the Associated Press about teams that don't win their divisions having playoff access.
Ah yes.  The old debate strategy in which you prove your opponent's stance for them thus undermining what little initiative or ground you may have gained.  Nailed it!  But please, go on...

But at the Big Ten spring meetings just two weeks ago in Chicago, Delany and the league's athletic directors were very clear in favoring a mix of conference champions and wild-card teams (or an independent like Notre Dame) in a four-team playoff. Delany reiterated this several times, but it's clearly not registering in SEC country.  
Of course it's not registering in SEC country.  The SEC left the phone at home, got in the car and just drove, man, you know, sometimes you just gotta unplug to see the world better when you plug back in.  And they've been gone for a while.  They haven't watched TV, they haven't read a newspaper.  They just went to the lakehouse and just unplugged.

Pay attention, please ... 
Now you see, Rondell, this is why you have to let other people shoot the basketball.  It's about teamwork, not about individuals.  Basketball is about crisp passes and bedrock fundamentals.  Steve Alford comes to mind, Rondell.  Also, remember that this is Preston's basketball and Preston's basketball hoop and she should be allowed to shoot once in a while even if she isn't the most skilled player.

Delany favors a "hybrid model" with a "quality-control cap" for selections: where the best conference champions are "honored" but allowances are made for elite teams that haven't won their leagues and/or divisions, as well as top independents like Notre Dame.
Sometimes when you get deep in to an opinion piece you get trapped in your own logic.  One time I wrote about this trip to Disney World with my Mom and Dad.  I said I had the best weekend evar (sic).  But the lines were super long and my favorite ride, Thunder Mountain, was broken down and I didn't get to see Chip and Dale, who were my favorites.  Really, it sucked, but I couldn't fight the logic of my original stance that I had "the best weekend evar (sic)."  Also, I was 6 and the piece was actually written in Crayola crayons with poorly drawn pictures.

So with this article, it has to be asked:  Does the author not understand how abjectly stupid that idea is?  There are 4 teams.  Ostensibly there will be 6 big conference winners.  That means that 2 will be left out no matter what.  And what if there are 2 clearly superior teams that are conference winners and 4 stinkers?  And when would we slot Notre Dame over another team?  And what the hell are you talking about with allowances made for elite teams that haven't won their leagues and/or divisions?  Isn't the point to keep them out if the didn't win?  Man... that sounds like a mess.  Maybe we need this ranking system that is unaffected by humans to do it.  It will be objective and its word will be final.  We'll call it, the BCS: Best Champions System!  Problem, solved.


The Big Ten's view is spelled out pretty clearly.
Things more clearly spelled out than the trainwreck displayed above:
Middle East Peace Plans
Derivated-based hedge fund protocols
Words that don't sound like how they are spelled like "Ennui"
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
Actual Trainwrecks

So just breathe, SEC people.
Just keep on moving, people. Nothing to see here.  Just a double bukkake-cult ritual double regicide here.  No need to ask questions or take pictures.  CSI: West Lafayette will be here shortly to dust for prints and get tens of floppy disks worth of information.  We should have an answer to the motive in the next few years as long as their Tandy 200 isn't in the shop again.
 
As for the "best four teams" argument, I think it sounds nice and simple, but it brings more problems that people acknowledge. In most seasons, there's a much bigger difference between No. 2 and No. 4 than between No. 4 and No. 5.
This second sentence is a masterpiece of weasel-sentence crafting.  Let's dissect it: 

First we have the "in most seasons."  No specifics are given like teams, years, examples or even, at this point, what sport we talking about.  This is why weasel sentences are awful.  It's like a middle schooler:  "Nobody likes you, Slate."  Is that really true?  Seriously did nobody like me?  It wasn't me who blasted a fart during the algebra test!  I swear!  It was the smelly kid who did it I SWEAR! 

Sometimes, when you make an argument, you have back up that argument with a cogent fact.  Example:  "Nobody likes you, Big Ten blogger.  Me, Blutarsky, Spencer Hall... we all don't like you.  No go cry in the band room percussion closet!  This is going to take a few years to get over."

Next we move on to the "much bigger difference between X and Y than between Y and Z."  I know we can't go back in time and tell this guy to think before he speaks.  He was probably rushing to meet a deadline and he had to pump out his final conclusion and we all know what happens when we rush:  we make absolutely no logical sense.  What does he mean by "much bigger difference?"  Let's look at the 2011 BCS standings just before the bowls started that lead to the LSU-Alabama 2.0 game:
1.  LSU
2.  Alabama
3.  Oklahoma State
4.  Stanford
5.  Oregon
Was Alabama that much better than Stanford at this point in time... the point in time where we had to decide who was/was not going to the national championship game?  Let's look at what happened.  Stanford lost to Oklahoma State in the Fiesta Bowl because their kicker shit his pants.  Oklahoma State was the team that missed the NC game by .0086 points in the BCS standings.  So that's #2 vs. #4.  That's not an earth shattering difference.  What about #4 vs. #5?  Well lookie, here.  Stanford was #4 and Oregon was #5.  Oregon beat Stanford in the regular season but it was a loss to LSU (#1) in the first week that really did them in.  So was the difference between Alabama and Stanford the Grand Canyon and the gap between Stanford and Oregon a backyard stream?

Oh, and are you confused by that last paragraph?  Good!  His weasel sentence is one of those sentences that are not expected to be proven and when they are, it's incredibly difficult to untangle the mess.  Thus, the statement-maker makes the statement on the assumption you would take it at face value and not try to dive in and unravel the mess.

Count me among those who can live with a No. 5 conference champion being in a playoff ahead of a No. 4 non-champion. No. 5 Oregon over No. 4 Stanford in 2011? No problem. No. 5 USC over No. 4 Alabama in 2008? No problem. Again, it's not the same as leaving the No. 2 team out in favor of the No. 7 team.
Now we get to some nebulous examples.  Last year's #5 Oregon over #4 Stanford?  Two loss team vs. one loss team.  Doesn't matter that that the two loss team was the only team that beat the one loss team.  2008 Alabama vs. USC?  Team A steamrolled everyone in the toughest conference in the country until the conference championship where they met a bigger, more Jesus-backed, steamroller.  Team B beat everyone is super weak conference except a super weak 4 loss team (in the same super weak conference).  So even the examples given are trivial and pointless, at best.

And what is this last sentence about?  When would the #2 team be left out in favor of a #7 team?  When?  How?  Who?  Should Boise State (#7) have been above Alabama (#2)?  No!  Boise State's kicker wouldn't allow that.  (Side note:  Their kicker may be the best college football troll of all time)

I don't expect the SEC to waver on its "best four" plan. But it'd be nice if there was some actual understanding of the Big Ten's playoff position.
The closing remark here shows he probably just wanted to end this blog entry and go stew in his own anger at being stuck having to write from a position of weakness.  Debate class is fun, but only if you get to argue from the position of strength.  Arguing for the rights of minorities to go to school with white kids is easier than arguing against it unless you live in Mississippi.

It isn't about understanding the Big Ten's playoff position.  The Big Ten's playoff position, and proposition to fix it, is almost as flawed as the system we have now.  The SEC understands it.  The SEC understands it clear as a bell.  This position says that the Big Ten knows that between the SEC, Big12, Pac12, Big Ten, ACC and Big East, it can get in the top 4 in any given year if you looked at the conference champions.  It also knows that if it were the top 4 teams, period, it would be left out in most years.  In fact, it hasn't been since 2007 that the Big Ten had anyone in the Top 4 of the BCS at the last week of the season before the bowls. 

If that doesn't show the position of weakness that the Big Ten is arguing from...  I don't know what does.  And that's why they are sweating bullets over the SEC proposal.  If a blogger is this up-in-arms...  what about Jim Delany?  It might cause someone, in an ego-driven power play, to up-end actual progressive talks whose goal is to amend a completely broke-ass system.

Brazil 4 US 1: The Passion of the Gooch

by Slate Quicksilver

The US Men's National Soccer Team played Brazil in Baltimore last night.  The scoreline was approximately what one would expect.  4-1 Brazil.  A terrible handball inside box call and converted ensuing penalty gave Brazil and early lead.  This was followed by 20 minutes of ineffective play for the US and another Brazilian goal off of a lazily defended corner kick.  The US stole a goal before the end of the first half on a nice play that cut the Brazilian defense open.  The second half started off terribly for the US with Brazil catching the Americans with a vicious counterattack.  But after that, and subbing in Clint Dempsey, the team punched back and became the attacker.  Strong attacks stretched the Brazilian defense to the brink several times and if not for 4 brilliant saves by Rafael and a header off the crossbar, the game's score could have been very different.  A late late gorgeous goal by the Brazilian made the embarrassment complete.

Again, it was the scoreline that was about right.  Yet the US deserved more than 1 goal.  Hercules Gomez (yes, that's his name) looked good up top and Donovan and Dempsey looked legit together at midfield.  Attack after attack and corner after corner really made the Brazilians work.  All of those attacks were initiated from the midfield and again, it's bad luck that they only scored once.  To be sure, the Brazilians also were attacking during the second half and a shot that hit square off the post from Pato could've made it 5-1.  But the Americans played even soccer with the Brazilians in terms of possession and out shot and out-cornered them.

However, the defense looked absolutely terrible.  Oguchi Onyewu (US's center defenseman) was particularly bad.  The handball called on him early was unfortunate bad luck.  It hit his elbow and honestly, there was nothing he could do.  But the 2nd, 3rd and 4th goals (particularly the 3rd and 4th goals) were products of him misplaying balls, getting burned by younger and faster players and "Gooch" just not playing up to the level of someone on a national squad.  It may be time for him to ride out in the sunset.  Yes, it's Brazil we were talking about here and they make most defenders look bad, but this was a particularly offending game because he was victimized numerous times.

This lack of stalwart defenders is becoming an issue for the US.  Our defenders are either old (Cherundolo), useless (Onyewu) or inexperienced (everyone else).  Sadly, this is not exactly a good time for a trial by fire for new players.  It's interesting because the US used be pretty solid back there while it was the fact that we had literally no one who could score a goal up top at striker.  Now, with Altidore, Gomez, Boyd and a nice rotation of other players, we have an abundance of scorers.  Problem is, we have no one at the back line worth a shit. 

While the US's toughest opponent in World Cup Qualifying (3rd Round) is Jamaica, who isn't exactly Brazil, the US cannot afford to lose more than 1 game in qualifying.  Further still, the Klinsmann era hasn't been lighting it up on the road.  Wins at Italy and Slovenia were nice, but there were a whole lot of losses elsewhere on the road.  Guatemala in a few weeks will be a difficult test even if Guate isn't a very good team due to a very hostile crowd.  **Note to self:  Do not support rebel factions in rainforest countries that share qualifying in international sporting events with us if we have to travel to their country**

So the US moves on to play Canada next week.  Then, it's World Cup qualifying.  This 5 game wave (or "tournament" as coach Jurgen Klinsmann has said) has seen off the two hardest games:  Scotland and Brazil.  Scotland was an immense success.  Brazil was a difficult loss wherein the scoreline didn't reflect the gameplay, but was still a disappointing loss.  We can only hope games with Canada (road), Antigua (home) and Guatemala (road) can bring some solace to a difficult loss like last night.

ESS-EEE-CEE Propaganda

by Slate Quicksilver

It can be hard at times to keep the pro-SEC sentiment I feel down while living in Big Ten country.  "What's that?  Oh yeah... Michigan has won a lot of National Championships.  Hey when did they win most of them?  Yeah, I agree, I mean it's still a championship even if 10 of 11 of them weren't in the modern era and before the 1940s it was perfectly acceptable to play local high schools and count them as wins in your program...  yeah sure those all count.  Oh... you're a Purdue fan and you're pointing this out?"  (totally was a conversation I had last year)  Thank goodness Midwesterners are short on picking up on sarcasm.

I try to keep a lid on the SEC-boner that I constantly have to shift my pants around to counteract because it's rude to gloat.  Plus, I try to avoid being one of those "ESS-EEE-CEE" chanting people at bowl games.  Honestly, I wish a slow death to all of my SEC opponents (lulz @ arkansas).  Yes, our conference is better than yours, but it's always been my feeling that dominance is not something that needs to be lorded over the lower, quivering masses.  Commoners should just know that they are bring dominated and accept it.  College football isn't yet at that stage, but it's getting there.

It's with this in mind that I read an article like this and I facepalm.  The top 4 playoff is an obvious nod to this past year when the SEC had 4 teams in the top 10 of the BCS before the bowls started and other, more geographically located in the upper Midwest conferences had 1 (Wisconsin, clinging for dear life after being bailed out by the refs in the first annual B10 championship game) and another midwest-ish based conference with whom they are more friendly towards had 2 (OK State and K-State).  It's also a nice middle finger to the Pac12, showing that the SEC-Big 12 relationship is for realz and that they've already decided that the Pac12 and Big 10 are an item (or shortly will be).  And on top of all of that, it's a disowning of the ACC and Big East because they know that an ACC or Big East team will never, ever be ranked in the top 4 at the end of the season.

"I think it needs to be the four best teams in the country. I don't think it needs to be the conference champions because in our league we might have four of the best teams in the country."  --Will Muschamp

Coach Boom, we need to talk.  You grew up in Gainesville.  You know how this goes.  The second we start talking game is the second we lose to Ole Miss in 2008 when Houston Nutt and Jevan Snead OH GOD WHY ARE WE RUNNING HIM UP THE MIDDLE ON 4TH AND 1 JUST RUN A TOSS SWEEP MAKE THE NIGHTMARES STOP HOW COULD HE MISS LOUIS MURPHY WIDE OPEN JESUS CHRIST (/dies  /diesforever).

The confidence this man exudes is on the same level as the entropy that Les Miles exudes.  There are times I would almost agree with that, but come on, Champ, what about the other big fish?  USC is going to come off their trade embargo soon.  Oregon runs a death machine of an offense (note:  offer not valid in National Championship games).  Oklahoma is one soulcrushing loss a year away from the top every year.  Michigan is the best team that has ever existed in any sport ever including the Central Red Army, Brazilian National Soccer Team combined.

"It's just like politics and self-interest," Saban said. "Somebody wants to create a circumstance that's going to help their situation or conference. That's not in the best interest of college football."  -- Nick Saban

On second thought.  Let's keep the BCS exactly how it is.  I don't trust anything that man says or does.

Why is ESPN So Awful?

by Slate Quicksilver

The title says it all, and there are many answers.  But since we are on our way out for the long weekend, we'll give just one right now.  There will be hundreds more posts like this.

At 11:14(ish) in the PM on May 25th, 2 months before NFL training camps even open up, the random ESPN talking head asked a reporter from the a New York newspaper to predict who was going to be the starting QB for the Jets at the beginning of the NFL season.  Ignoring the fact that the answer is blantantly obvious (Tebow is an expensive insurance policy in case an injury or Sanchez's collapse last season is more permanent than a passing fad), the reporter asked, incredulously, "Wow, really?  We're doing this already?"  He was then pressed for an answer.

ESPN's long, long slide has been well documented.  The choice to show nothing but poker and ESPN "home made" "entertainment" and then the heavy backlash of them going back to a sports-news channel was done as deftly as dropping a piano off a skyscraper.  10 hours of Sportscenter in a row obviously creates a drain on what can be said.  And the best way to dig in to this without going in to a long diatribe about the horrible-ness of the 24 hour news cycle is just brush it off as some producer signaling to the talking head to basically fill time.  But this is ridiculous, even by ESPN standards.

Tim Tebow was signed by the Jets.  Mark Sanchez is not an elite QB.  There is not much to talk in terms of the NFL from approximately May 1st to mid-July.  So why talk about this?  Why create manufactured drama?  Are people honestly stupid enough to think that Tim Tebow taking snaps at an off-season voluntary practice alongside Mark Sanchez spells doom for the Sanchez regime?

Sadly, there is no immediate recourse.  We have to watch ESPN... they have cornered the market.  "Oh, NBC Sports/Versus/OLN/Raycom/Local Public Access for Casper Wyoming: Agricultural Best Management Practices Hour and we also have the Fox Sports networks."  If that's what you are thinking, you are stupid.  There's no way around the mothership because they've cornered every important sport except hockey, which they don't want thanks to a vendetta for the lockout of 2005 (which is really, really making the NHL hurt).  The big money is from collecting up all of the sports at a national level, not a local level.  Sadly, ratings will not be more significantly down for ESPN simply because what they put on the air is shitty.  Daytime ratings are always bad, so when I changed the channel to the Price is Right, ESPN's bottom line wasn't hurt.

But you can't fight city hall and you can't fight the death star.  ESPN, for sports, sadly is both.  It's a perpetual money making machine that has positioned itself right at the intersection of reporting and dictating the sports agenda for the US.
ESPN sending Rachel Nichols to stalk the Heat outside of a Wendy's is a sign.  Ed Werder "reporting" on Chad Johnson's car being jacked is a sign.  The complete ignorance of teams not in the Atlantic-New England corridor or Los Angeles is a sign.  NFL Live being on right now is a sign.  Skip Bayless being paid to be a slimy douchebag and take up the contrary opinion EVERY TIME is a sign.  Showing Colin Cowherd run a 6 minute mile on television is a sign.  Stephen A. Smith is a sign.  There are so many signs as to why ESPN is awful.

UEFA Euro Cup 2012 Group B Predictions

by Slate Quicksilver

 

Group B:

Netherlands

Ranking (for April 2012):  4

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group E Winner

The Dutch scored 37 goals on their way to qualifying for this installment of the EURO Cup.  But that comes with a considerably large asterisk.  The Netherlands were benefitted by having San Marino (yes the world’s smallest country) in their group wherein they won 11-0 and 5-0.  San Marino would go on in 10 games to be score an entire zero times and give up 53 goals.  Even though the Dutch were likely destined to win this group with ease, scoring 37 goals in 10 games is a bit of an aberration.  So, with their typical competence and occasional flash the Oranje made it back easily to a tournament where they typically perform really well.  But hey, when you have a deep stock of talented midfielders (Sneijder, van der Vaart, van Bommel, de Jong, et. al) feeding world class strikers (Van Persie, Robben)…  you should expect to not break a sweat beating the likes of Moldova and Finland.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Philadelphia Flyers.  Orange as dominant color?  Check.  Religious fanaticism in fan base?  Check.  Revolutionized game in 70s?  Check (though in different ways).  Has had all time greats play for them, but haven’t won jack in decades and regularly finish in second in the end?  Triple check.

How will they fare?

If they weren’t in this wood thresher of a qualifying group, it would be easy to do absolutely no research and just assume they’ll get on to the next stage easily.  The Netherlands are orders of magnitude better than every other team in the world save for about 10 or so.  Unfortunately, 2 of those teams are in this round robin group (Germany and Portugal).  There is one known thing about the Dutch national team:  defense is not all that important.  You can score goals on these guys, but as John Madden once said, “the team who scores the most points usually wins”… and the Dutch usually outscore the other team.  Also weighing on them is a 3-0 loss to Germany back in November. It also took a late stoppage time goal at Wembley against England to steal a 3-2 win.  Considering Germany is here and Portugal (who can score at any time provided they get off the bus) is also in the group, moving on is not nearly a guarantee.  The smart money is on a qualification to the knockout stage, but an opening game loss to Denmark (which is entirely possible) would be a death sentence.

Germany

Ranking: 2

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group A Winner

Germany winning Group A was as safe a bet as you could hope for the world of sports betting.  This is no surprise, because when it comes to prolonged success Germany is the poster boy in Europe.  They are the Brazil and New York Yankees of Europe.  Any down times are momentary and are usually followed by breathtaking resurgences and startling successes.  Look at the rest of Europe’s superpowers:  Spain’s newly found success is on the heels of decades of desert wandering.  Portugal’s fantastic domestic players have trouble coalescing in to a “team-like substance.”  France celebrated winning the ’98 World Cup by losing the opening game of the ’02 tourney against minnow Senegal (and were an embarrassment in 2010).  England is resting on laurels from the 60s and the Dutch are the William Jennings Bryan of international success.  And Italy?  Lulz @ the mercurial team with crushing expectations to which they almost never rise to.  Die Mannschaft steamrolled all in their way… including Belgium, Azerbaijan and Kazakhstan (who is in Central Asia… I thought) on their way to the EURO 2012 tourney.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  New York Yankees.  For repeated success throughout the decades and at one time both were run by unstable, paranoid, authoritarian people who were hated by billions.

How will they fare?

Like the Netherlands, Germany is usually an easy lock to go through a round-robin phase of a tournament.  But they, too, are hampered by the strength of this group.  Germany’s midfield is incredible, and young.  Same for defense.  And Manuel Neuer may be the best goalie in the world.  But striker is a weak point:  Cacau and Miroslav Klose are relics of another time and Mario Gomez (26) can’t be expected to be the only man up top (though, if you had to pick one man… you could do a lot worse).  Oddly enough, Germany can likely handle the high powered offenses of the Dutch and scumbags from Portugal (more on that later)… it’s the “weakest” team in the group that could make things tough:  Denmark.  Denmark is the only team with a lockdown, air tight defense.  A team like Denmark can counter a juggernaut like Germany to the point of embarrassment.  They need to be patient and not get caught with too many men attacking because the Danish will make them pay for it.  A German win keeps it all normal… a German loss will create havoc in Group B.

Denmark

Ranking:  9

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group H Winner

The 9^th ranking in the world for Denmark shouldn’t be a shock.  If you are a top 10 team in Europe and win most of your games losing only to the big fish in the pond like England or Spain… you are bound to have peaks and valleys.  Denmark is peaking at the current moment.  They have Anders Lindegaard, who in the Danish tradition of world class goalies (Peter Schmeichel, anyone?), is currently stopping shots for Manchester United.  When he feels like showing up, Niklas Bendtner is a world class striker… though he was wasting away with Sunderland this year on loan from Arsenal.  Those players help a very traditional northern European counter-attacking team who you underestimate at your peril.  And they had to qualify against Group B roommate Portugal, who they easily outperformed in qualifying.  So what’s the problem?  Why won’t they repeat their 1992 EURO Cup win?

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  San Diego Chargers.  Peaks and valleys are the best explanation for both teams throughout the decades.  There were valleys when the Chargers barely fielded what could be considered a “football team,” and the same can be said for Denmark.  But in peak years, watch out…  though they are a safe bet to flame out in super important games.

How will they fare?

Poor Denmark.  Poor, poor Denmark.  This should be their time.  To be paired with Germany OR the Netherlands would suck.  But being stuck with both… AND Portugal?  Ouchies.  For a Danish team who can safely build a bunker and not worry about winning by large margins, this group is anathema.  They will not only need to win, but also they’ll need to win by wide margins.  They can beat Portugal… they beat them in qualifying and can do so again... and we’ll get to Portugal’s weaknesses in a minute.  But they absolutely need to steal something from Germany and then not get embarrassed by the Dutch.  A defensive minded team can always stand a puncher’s chance in big tournaments.  In 1998, they went all the way to the quarterfinals and gave Brazil a good scare.  In 1992 they forged their nickname, Danish Dynamite, and won the EURO Cup over heavy favorites Germany.  Will it happen again?  Meh.

Portugal

Ranking:  5

How they qualified:  Playoff Winner

Portugal is known some of the best club team players in the world.  But they are arrogant pricks who nobody likes and they all should be thrown in to a volcano.  However, they have trouble balancing flair and creativity with teamwork and cohesion on the field.  In truth, the soccer world would be better off without their scumbag diving, overconfident douchebaggery and flagrant disregard for sportsmanship.  Many in the soccer world do not find Portugal to be their cup of tea, and perhaps some of the criticism is warranted.  If their attitudes even slightly reflected their talent… like 10% of it… they’d be a superpower both at an international and domestic level, however egos, vanity (THEY PUT FUCKING HAIR GEL IN THEIR HAIR BEFORE THEY PLAY) and a lack of ability to manage those issues are why Portugal hopefully will never catch a whiff of success ever.  Portugal needed to win by goal differential over Norway to go to the UEFA playoffs, where they lucked out and got Bosnia as an opponent who they handled with ease.  Portugal sucks.  Portugal sucks.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Philadelphia Eagles.  Outside of the 50 square miles of Pennsylvania and New Jersey where they have fans, there are few who don’t wish a meteor would annihilate their stadium (preferably while they played the Cowboys or Patriots).  Oh, and they haven’t won shit in their existence.

How will they fare?

Portugal being ranked 5^th in the world shows that mathematically speaking, the Portuguese have a good team.  But since the beginning of 2011, the best team they’ve beaten was a home win against Finland… the rest of their games outside of qualifying were garbage.  In this group, it’s really hard to peg where to put them.  They can score, score and score.  They can move the ball and command the midfield.  But they have no defense and are terribly weak at goalie.  This is lining them up to be in a few shootouts, particularly the Dutch, which would make for some great watching if not for the fact that they will dive every time a stiff breeze comes by.  I’m going to take the position that they are not going to show up for this, which would make me (and a billion other people) so happy.  Watching Portugal lose is like watching Duke lose in the first round of the NCAA tournament (add highlights from this year).

Predictions:

Netherlands                                      7 points

Germany                                             7 points

Portugal                                               1 point

Denmark                                             1 point

Federer's last hurrah

Federer’s last hurrah?

As the clay court season wraps up next weekend with the beginning of the French Open and Rafael Nadal claming his sixth straight Italian Open over new found rival and current world no.1 Novak Djokovic, the thought of another epic clay court duel looms. The French Open perhaps presents a chance for Nadal to obtain some redemption after failing in all seven meeting with the Serb in 2011.

However, emerging from the woodwork, longtime nemesis and debatably  best of all time, Roger Federer, quietly salivates at the possibility of arguably his last stand  (30 years old now, nearly eligible for ATP social security) at taking down Nadal at the French for the first time. Many forget the incredible rivalry that started years ago between Nadal and Federer, only to be overshadowed by the recent new kid on the block in that of Novak Djokovic.

Despite winning the French for the first time three years ago, albeit at the hands of Robin Soderling,  Federer needs no reminder of his rival Nadal’s 4-0 record against the Swiss at Roland Garros. To make things even more interesting, after Federer’s win last week at Barcelona, he moved up to the no. 2 world ranking, pushing Nadal to his lowest ranking (no.3) since he won his first major in Paris in 2005 at the tender age of 19.

If Federer were to retire today, many would consider him the greatest of all time, but to finally beat Nadal and win under the lights at chatrier would certainly cement Fed’s legacy as the best of the best and remove that final tennis monkey off his back.

So as emerging rivals Nadal (no 2 seed) and Djokovic ( no 1 seed) appear to be on path for yet another finals collision course, don’t assume Federer will passively sit like his homeland did during WWII as a neutral pussy. Federer unimpressed by the young guns will stop at nothing for what could be his final shot at tennis destiny and the chance to be unequivocally the best of all time.

UEFA Euro Cup 2012 Predictions: Group A

Reliving the tradition of the old times we now turn to soccer.  What’s that?  Soccer is for pussies?  Tell that to back bone plate on my right heel that was separated from the ball of my foot when I was a wee lad (OK, 13).  The game is far more physical than anyone who has never played it at a level higher than “recreational coed city level where everyone gets trophy” thinks.  On the flip side, if you are correcting me by saying “it’s football (or futbol),” speak American: God’s language.

International soccer plays well in the US.  Go ahead and hate…  but even the Women’s World Cup did reasonably well in the ratings despite not playing at optimal sporting times.  It drew an 8.6 rating on ESPN (whatever that means) versus the following day’s British Open (a 2.6 rating).  Haters, keep hating (add deadspin Manchester derby reax link) and remember how twitter works:  if you have a word, even if you hate said word, in your tweet, you are going to help it trend upward.  ESPN is going to broadcast games, during the summer, during daytime television.  They’re going to do it on ESPN2, too…  MWAHAHA pitiful non-soccer loving sports fans…  HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE THE DAY WITHOUT 10 STRAIGHT HOURS OF SPORTSCENTER!?  HOW WILL YOU BE ABLE TO COPE WITHOUT HERM EDWARDS TALKING ABOUT WHY COACHING IS THE NFL IS HURRRR DURRRRR?  SE ARRODILLAN ANTE SUS GOBERNANTES DEPORTIVOS!

Group A:

Greece

Ranking:  14

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group F Winner

All things considered, Greece played very well in qualifying.  They only surrendered 5 goals in 10 qualifying games and didn’t lose once.  But just like most things in Greece (/geopolitics slam), they were basically handed everything.  Greece played, by far, the easiest qualifying group.  Other teams in Group F:  Latvia, Georgia and Malta.  Yes, the dot in the middle of the Mediterranean kind of near Italy is big enough to have a soccer field (Malta) and if you thought Georgia was our Georgia, you can show yourself the door (click the X in the top right of your browser).  Croatia and Israel also were in the group, but basically speaking, Greece’s job was to undergo cellular respiration and they’d win the group.  They did and here we are.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Chicago White Sox.  Embarrassingly bad for decades in a row, randomly won a championship very unexpectedly (EURO 2004) followed by mediocrity ever since.

How will they fare?

The Greeks looked good qualifying, but again, it was a bad group to judge their real worth.  Other than 2004, the sample size of Greece at the international level is small and terribly skewed towards a comedic lack of anything resembling success.  In 2004, they stunned everyone by winning the whole thing… especially by beating Portugal, the host nation, in the final.  This is unlikely to happen, but then again, look at the group.  Poland is a doormat and you never know which Russia and Czech Republic will show up.  Greece’s range of success ranges from winning the tournament to falling in to bottomless pit on a team building exercise.  Instead of more speculation, we'll just show this.  

Russia

Ranking:  11

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group B Winner

Russia is the most metal country ever.  You think your country is messed up, go look at Russia’s history.  Sure, the French Revolution changed continental European politics for centuries by tearing down their own society inverting the structure of power for the common man.  But, the October Revolution led to their country immediately pulling out of a massive war with a 1,500 mile front just so they go fight themselves in a breathless, and very uncivil, civil war where the average man had no idea who he was for/against and the winners only emerged because everyone who could fight was either dead or practically dead.  The celebration for winning?  20 years of war on its people followed by 5 years against Germany and a homestretch of 50 years against everyone else in the world.  Is Russia the most metal country of all time? Yes.  (Some countries remodel old industrial apartments with bulldozers, Russia uses unexplained gas explosions).  Anyway, Russia qualified by subduing Armenia, Slovakia and Macedonia… something they were accustomed to doing after 45 years of practice.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Cincinnati Reds.  Favorite color is red, scary powerful in the 70s, disappeared in the mid 90s but is slowly emerging as a power yet again.  Team owners used to have a lot in common:  corrupt, profane, drunk and completely terrifying to public  when  they realize that who is in charge.

How will they fare?

Like Greece, this could go either way.  We don’t know which Russia will show up.  Russia has a history of being reasonably good at soccer, but not explosively good.  They won the 1960 EURO Cup, but that and a ruble will buy you nothing.  Right now they have a strong defense (gave up 4 goals in qualifying) and some solid strikers who can score.  Roman Pavlyuchenko is approximately Considering Poland is almost a mortal lock not to do well, it’ll be a three way between the Russians, Greeks and Czechs.  If that’s the case, Russia just needs to not lose twice and they are probably clear to the next round.

Poland

Ranking (for April 2012):  65

How they qualified:  Host Country

Last time Europe came over to Poland’s for a party, it got a little crazy.  Germany came over before the party was supposed to start while double fisting handles of Jack, Russia stormed over when it saw that Germany was already there doing kegstands and whatnot but tripped over Finland for a while before it got there and England was like “Yo we’re trying sleep over here” so Germany was like “Nah, bro party is everywhere” and took the party to Holland and Belgium and France and then Italy was like “Party time!” except Italy was like the nerdy kid who absolutely didn’t know how to party.  Anyway the party didn’t end America Fuck Yeah’d itself to Africa first while partying the fuck out of Japan’s neighborhood and then we partied all the way through Italy, France and brought the party to Germany even though by that point Germany was passed out with their face in the toilet and Russia was partying in Germany’s backyard.  Like all great parties, millions were lost in the process.  So… party at Poland’s place?  Yup.  Poland qualified because it is one of the host countries (along with Ukraine).  If it didn’t get that courtesy, they would have been torched in the qualifying process.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Sacramento Kings.  Completely irrelevant for years, no hope making it to the playoffs.  Long tradition of superior state rivals dominating them since inception.

How will they fare?

Traditionally, Poland has been swallowed by the success of the Germans and Russia, making it very difficult to succeed in a brutal European climate.  Traditionally, Poland’s SOCCER TEAM has been swallowed by the success of the Germans and Russians, making it very impossible to succeed in a brutal European climate.  Consider this, Lucas Podolski is a Polish born player with German roots.  Rather than be a national hero, but lose all the time, Podolski plays for Germany… where they win at everything.  FIFA has no rule to stop this because all you need is to have some kind of roots in a country and then you can play there.  Now imagine Poland’s problem even more when you consider Poland’s history is one filled with it changing colors, locations and the always interesting parlor trick:  the disappearing act.  If you are a skilled soccer player in Poland, you probably are of mixed roots and thus can go follow your roots elsewhere.  With that in mind, Poland stands no chance of winning and barring a miracle of sorts, will be gone immediately.

               

Czech Republic

Ranking:  26

How they qualified:  Playoff Winner

If you don’t win your group in EURO Cup qualifying, you just have to finish in second in your group.  Seeing as how the Czechs were put in the same group as Spain, all they have to do was beat the other teams and they’d make it to the qualifying playoffs.  Considering all they had to do was beat Liechtenstein, Scotland and Lithuania, the Czechs cruised to the playoff round where they flattened Montenegro.  It's not entirely shocking that this happened because with a goalie like Petr Cech, you always stand a chance...  as long as he has the beach ball with him, of course.  BEACH BALL FOR ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER!

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  Occasional modest success in the 80s followed by a name change in the 90s which saw a slight rise in stature.  Known to collapse down the stretch when it matters (gave up a lead and an extra time golden goal to lose to Germany in the 1996 Euro Final).

How will they fare?

Truthfully, the Czech Republic is benefiting from being the easiest group.  Like Russia, we’re not 100% sure what’s going to happen with this team.  The Czechs are surprisingly competent at soccer and have some of the best young players in the world:  Vaclav Kadlec is the truth, yo!  Following patterns, every other EURO tournament brings success.  1996:  runner-up.  2000:  out first round.  2004:  semi-finals.  2008:  out first round.  Having a probably free victory against Poland will help, so it’ll depend on Greece and Russia’s fortunes and if you’re a Czech fan, you’ll be rooting for a scoring draw between them.

Predictions:

Greece                                  7 Points

Czech Republic                    6 points

Russia                                  4 points

Poland                                  0 Points