Brazil 4 US 1: The Passion of the Gooch

by Slate Quicksilver

The US Men's National Soccer Team played Brazil in Baltimore last night.  The scoreline was approximately what one would expect.  4-1 Brazil.  A terrible handball inside box call and converted ensuing penalty gave Brazil and early lead.  This was followed by 20 minutes of ineffective play for the US and another Brazilian goal off of a lazily defended corner kick.  The US stole a goal before the end of the first half on a nice play that cut the Brazilian defense open.  The second half started off terribly for the US with Brazil catching the Americans with a vicious counterattack.  But after that, and subbing in Clint Dempsey, the team punched back and became the attacker.  Strong attacks stretched the Brazilian defense to the brink several times and if not for 4 brilliant saves by Rafael and a header off the crossbar, the game's score could have been very different.  A late late gorgeous goal by the Brazilian made the embarrassment complete.

Again, it was the scoreline that was about right.  Yet the US deserved more than 1 goal.  Hercules Gomez (yes, that's his name) looked good up top and Donovan and Dempsey looked legit together at midfield.  Attack after attack and corner after corner really made the Brazilians work.  All of those attacks were initiated from the midfield and again, it's bad luck that they only scored once.  To be sure, the Brazilians also were attacking during the second half and a shot that hit square off the post from Pato could've made it 5-1.  But the Americans played even soccer with the Brazilians in terms of possession and out shot and out-cornered them.

However, the defense looked absolutely terrible.  Oguchi Onyewu (US's center defenseman) was particularly bad.  The handball called on him early was unfortunate bad luck.  It hit his elbow and honestly, there was nothing he could do.  But the 2nd, 3rd and 4th goals (particularly the 3rd and 4th goals) were products of him misplaying balls, getting burned by younger and faster players and "Gooch" just not playing up to the level of someone on a national squad.  It may be time for him to ride out in the sunset.  Yes, it's Brazil we were talking about here and they make most defenders look bad, but this was a particularly offending game because he was victimized numerous times.

This lack of stalwart defenders is becoming an issue for the US.  Our defenders are either old (Cherundolo), useless (Onyewu) or inexperienced (everyone else).  Sadly, this is not exactly a good time for a trial by fire for new players.  It's interesting because the US used be pretty solid back there while it was the fact that we had literally no one who could score a goal up top at striker.  Now, with Altidore, Gomez, Boyd and a nice rotation of other players, we have an abundance of scorers.  Problem is, we have no one at the back line worth a shit. 

While the US's toughest opponent in World Cup Qualifying (3rd Round) is Jamaica, who isn't exactly Brazil, the US cannot afford to lose more than 1 game in qualifying.  Further still, the Klinsmann era hasn't been lighting it up on the road.  Wins at Italy and Slovenia were nice, but there were a whole lot of losses elsewhere on the road.  Guatemala in a few weeks will be a difficult test even if Guate isn't a very good team due to a very hostile crowd.  **Note to self:  Do not support rebel factions in rainforest countries that share qualifying in international sporting events with us if we have to travel to their country**

So the US moves on to play Canada next week.  Then, it's World Cup qualifying.  This 5 game wave (or "tournament" as coach Jurgen Klinsmann has said) has seen off the two hardest games:  Scotland and Brazil.  Scotland was an immense success.  Brazil was a difficult loss wherein the scoreline didn't reflect the gameplay, but was still a disappointing loss.  We can only hope games with Canada (road), Antigua (home) and Guatemala (road) can bring some solace to a difficult loss like last night.

ESS-EEE-CEE Propaganda

by Slate Quicksilver

It can be hard at times to keep the pro-SEC sentiment I feel down while living in Big Ten country.  "What's that?  Oh yeah... Michigan has won a lot of National Championships.  Hey when did they win most of them?  Yeah, I agree, I mean it's still a championship even if 10 of 11 of them weren't in the modern era and before the 1940s it was perfectly acceptable to play local high schools and count them as wins in your program...  yeah sure those all count.  Oh... you're a Purdue fan and you're pointing this out?"  (totally was a conversation I had last year)  Thank goodness Midwesterners are short on picking up on sarcasm.

I try to keep a lid on the SEC-boner that I constantly have to shift my pants around to counteract because it's rude to gloat.  Plus, I try to avoid being one of those "ESS-EEE-CEE" chanting people at bowl games.  Honestly, I wish a slow death to all of my SEC opponents (lulz @ arkansas).  Yes, our conference is better than yours, but it's always been my feeling that dominance is not something that needs to be lorded over the lower, quivering masses.  Commoners should just know that they are bring dominated and accept it.  College football isn't yet at that stage, but it's getting there.

It's with this in mind that I read an article like this and I facepalm.  The top 4 playoff is an obvious nod to this past year when the SEC had 4 teams in the top 10 of the BCS before the bowls started and other, more geographically located in the upper Midwest conferences had 1 (Wisconsin, clinging for dear life after being bailed out by the refs in the first annual B10 championship game) and another midwest-ish based conference with whom they are more friendly towards had 2 (OK State and K-State).  It's also a nice middle finger to the Pac12, showing that the SEC-Big 12 relationship is for realz and that they've already decided that the Pac12 and Big 10 are an item (or shortly will be).  And on top of all of that, it's a disowning of the ACC and Big East because they know that an ACC or Big East team will never, ever be ranked in the top 4 at the end of the season.

"I think it needs to be the four best teams in the country. I don't think it needs to be the conference champions because in our league we might have four of the best teams in the country."  --Will Muschamp

Coach Boom, we need to talk.  You grew up in Gainesville.  You know how this goes.  The second we start talking game is the second we lose to Ole Miss in 2008 when Houston Nutt and Jevan Snead OH GOD WHY ARE WE RUNNING HIM UP THE MIDDLE ON 4TH AND 1 JUST RUN A TOSS SWEEP MAKE THE NIGHTMARES STOP HOW COULD HE MISS LOUIS MURPHY WIDE OPEN JESUS CHRIST (/dies  /diesforever).

The confidence this man exudes is on the same level as the entropy that Les Miles exudes.  There are times I would almost agree with that, but come on, Champ, what about the other big fish?  USC is going to come off their trade embargo soon.  Oregon runs a death machine of an offense (note:  offer not valid in National Championship games).  Oklahoma is one soulcrushing loss a year away from the top every year.  Michigan is the best team that has ever existed in any sport ever including the Central Red Army, Brazilian National Soccer Team combined.

"It's just like politics and self-interest," Saban said. "Somebody wants to create a circumstance that's going to help their situation or conference. That's not in the best interest of college football."  -- Nick Saban

On second thought.  Let's keep the BCS exactly how it is.  I don't trust anything that man says or does.

Why is ESPN So Awful?

by Slate Quicksilver

The title says it all, and there are many answers.  But since we are on our way out for the long weekend, we'll give just one right now.  There will be hundreds more posts like this.

At 11:14(ish) in the PM on May 25th, 2 months before NFL training camps even open up, the random ESPN talking head asked a reporter from the a New York newspaper to predict who was going to be the starting QB for the Jets at the beginning of the NFL season.  Ignoring the fact that the answer is blantantly obvious (Tebow is an expensive insurance policy in case an injury or Sanchez's collapse last season is more permanent than a passing fad), the reporter asked, incredulously, "Wow, really?  We're doing this already?"  He was then pressed for an answer.

ESPN's long, long slide has been well documented.  The choice to show nothing but poker and ESPN "home made" "entertainment" and then the heavy backlash of them going back to a sports-news channel was done as deftly as dropping a piano off a skyscraper.  10 hours of Sportscenter in a row obviously creates a drain on what can be said.  And the best way to dig in to this without going in to a long diatribe about the horrible-ness of the 24 hour news cycle is just brush it off as some producer signaling to the talking head to basically fill time.  But this is ridiculous, even by ESPN standards.

Tim Tebow was signed by the Jets.  Mark Sanchez is not an elite QB.  There is not much to talk in terms of the NFL from approximately May 1st to mid-July.  So why talk about this?  Why create manufactured drama?  Are people honestly stupid enough to think that Tim Tebow taking snaps at an off-season voluntary practice alongside Mark Sanchez spells doom for the Sanchez regime?

Sadly, there is no immediate recourse.  We have to watch ESPN... they have cornered the market.  "Oh, NBC Sports/Versus/OLN/Raycom/Local Public Access for Casper Wyoming: Agricultural Best Management Practices Hour and we also have the Fox Sports networks."  If that's what you are thinking, you are stupid.  There's no way around the mothership because they've cornered every important sport except hockey, which they don't want thanks to a vendetta for the lockout of 2005 (which is really, really making the NHL hurt).  The big money is from collecting up all of the sports at a national level, not a local level.  Sadly, ratings will not be more significantly down for ESPN simply because what they put on the air is shitty.  Daytime ratings are always bad, so when I changed the channel to the Price is Right, ESPN's bottom line wasn't hurt.

But you can't fight city hall and you can't fight the death star.  ESPN, for sports, sadly is both.  It's a perpetual money making machine that has positioned itself right at the intersection of reporting and dictating the sports agenda for the US.
ESPN sending Rachel Nichols to stalk the Heat outside of a Wendy's is a sign.  Ed Werder "reporting" on Chad Johnson's car being jacked is a sign.  The complete ignorance of teams not in the Atlantic-New England corridor or Los Angeles is a sign.  NFL Live being on right now is a sign.  Skip Bayless being paid to be a slimy douchebag and take up the contrary opinion EVERY TIME is a sign.  Showing Colin Cowherd run a 6 minute mile on television is a sign.  Stephen A. Smith is a sign.  There are so many signs as to why ESPN is awful.

UEFA Euro Cup 2012 Group B Predictions

by Slate Quicksilver

 

Group B:

Netherlands

Ranking (for April 2012):  4

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group E Winner

The Dutch scored 37 goals on their way to qualifying for this installment of the EURO Cup.  But that comes with a considerably large asterisk.  The Netherlands were benefitted by having San Marino (yes the world’s smallest country) in their group wherein they won 11-0 and 5-0.  San Marino would go on in 10 games to be score an entire zero times and give up 53 goals.  Even though the Dutch were likely destined to win this group with ease, scoring 37 goals in 10 games is a bit of an aberration.  So, with their typical competence and occasional flash the Oranje made it back easily to a tournament where they typically perform really well.  But hey, when you have a deep stock of talented midfielders (Sneijder, van der Vaart, van Bommel, de Jong, et. al) feeding world class strikers (Van Persie, Robben)…  you should expect to not break a sweat beating the likes of Moldova and Finland.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Philadelphia Flyers.  Orange as dominant color?  Check.  Religious fanaticism in fan base?  Check.  Revolutionized game in 70s?  Check (though in different ways).  Has had all time greats play for them, but haven’t won jack in decades and regularly finish in second in the end?  Triple check.

How will they fare?

If they weren’t in this wood thresher of a qualifying group, it would be easy to do absolutely no research and just assume they’ll get on to the next stage easily.  The Netherlands are orders of magnitude better than every other team in the world save for about 10 or so.  Unfortunately, 2 of those teams are in this round robin group (Germany and Portugal).  There is one known thing about the Dutch national team:  defense is not all that important.  You can score goals on these guys, but as John Madden once said, “the team who scores the most points usually wins”… and the Dutch usually outscore the other team.  Also weighing on them is a 3-0 loss to Germany back in November. It also took a late stoppage time goal at Wembley against England to steal a 3-2 win.  Considering Germany is here and Portugal (who can score at any time provided they get off the bus) is also in the group, moving on is not nearly a guarantee.  The smart money is on a qualification to the knockout stage, but an opening game loss to Denmark (which is entirely possible) would be a death sentence.

Germany

Ranking: 2

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group A Winner

Germany winning Group A was as safe a bet as you could hope for the world of sports betting.  This is no surprise, because when it comes to prolonged success Germany is the poster boy in Europe.  They are the Brazil and New York Yankees of Europe.  Any down times are momentary and are usually followed by breathtaking resurgences and startling successes.  Look at the rest of Europe’s superpowers:  Spain’s newly found success is on the heels of decades of desert wandering.  Portugal’s fantastic domestic players have trouble coalescing in to a “team-like substance.”  France celebrated winning the ’98 World Cup by losing the opening game of the ’02 tourney against minnow Senegal (and were an embarrassment in 2010).  England is resting on laurels from the 60s and the Dutch are the William Jennings Bryan of international success.  And Italy?  Lulz @ the mercurial team with crushing expectations to which they almost never rise to.  Die Mannschaft steamrolled all in their way… including Belgium, Azerbaijan and Kazakhstan (who is in Central Asia… I thought) on their way to the EURO 2012 tourney.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  New York Yankees.  For repeated success throughout the decades and at one time both were run by unstable, paranoid, authoritarian people who were hated by billions.

How will they fare?

Like the Netherlands, Germany is usually an easy lock to go through a round-robin phase of a tournament.  But they, too, are hampered by the strength of this group.  Germany’s midfield is incredible, and young.  Same for defense.  And Manuel Neuer may be the best goalie in the world.  But striker is a weak point:  Cacau and Miroslav Klose are relics of another time and Mario Gomez (26) can’t be expected to be the only man up top (though, if you had to pick one man… you could do a lot worse).  Oddly enough, Germany can likely handle the high powered offenses of the Dutch and scumbags from Portugal (more on that later)… it’s the “weakest” team in the group that could make things tough:  Denmark.  Denmark is the only team with a lockdown, air tight defense.  A team like Denmark can counter a juggernaut like Germany to the point of embarrassment.  They need to be patient and not get caught with too many men attacking because the Danish will make them pay for it.  A German win keeps it all normal… a German loss will create havoc in Group B.

Denmark

Ranking:  9

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group H Winner

The 9^th ranking in the world for Denmark shouldn’t be a shock.  If you are a top 10 team in Europe and win most of your games losing only to the big fish in the pond like England or Spain… you are bound to have peaks and valleys.  Denmark is peaking at the current moment.  They have Anders Lindegaard, who in the Danish tradition of world class goalies (Peter Schmeichel, anyone?), is currently stopping shots for Manchester United.  When he feels like showing up, Niklas Bendtner is a world class striker… though he was wasting away with Sunderland this year on loan from Arsenal.  Those players help a very traditional northern European counter-attacking team who you underestimate at your peril.  And they had to qualify against Group B roommate Portugal, who they easily outperformed in qualifying.  So what’s the problem?  Why won’t they repeat their 1992 EURO Cup win?

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  San Diego Chargers.  Peaks and valleys are the best explanation for both teams throughout the decades.  There were valleys when the Chargers barely fielded what could be considered a “football team,” and the same can be said for Denmark.  But in peak years, watch out…  though they are a safe bet to flame out in super important games.

How will they fare?

Poor Denmark.  Poor, poor Denmark.  This should be their time.  To be paired with Germany OR the Netherlands would suck.  But being stuck with both… AND Portugal?  Ouchies.  For a Danish team who can safely build a bunker and not worry about winning by large margins, this group is anathema.  They will not only need to win, but also they’ll need to win by wide margins.  They can beat Portugal… they beat them in qualifying and can do so again... and we’ll get to Portugal’s weaknesses in a minute.  But they absolutely need to steal something from Germany and then not get embarrassed by the Dutch.  A defensive minded team can always stand a puncher’s chance in big tournaments.  In 1998, they went all the way to the quarterfinals and gave Brazil a good scare.  In 1992 they forged their nickname, Danish Dynamite, and won the EURO Cup over heavy favorites Germany.  Will it happen again?  Meh.

Portugal

Ranking:  5

How they qualified:  Playoff Winner

Portugal is known some of the best club team players in the world.  But they are arrogant pricks who nobody likes and they all should be thrown in to a volcano.  However, they have trouble balancing flair and creativity with teamwork and cohesion on the field.  In truth, the soccer world would be better off without their scumbag diving, overconfident douchebaggery and flagrant disregard for sportsmanship.  Many in the soccer world do not find Portugal to be their cup of tea, and perhaps some of the criticism is warranted.  If their attitudes even slightly reflected their talent… like 10% of it… they’d be a superpower both at an international and domestic level, however egos, vanity (THEY PUT FUCKING HAIR GEL IN THEIR HAIR BEFORE THEY PLAY) and a lack of ability to manage those issues are why Portugal hopefully will never catch a whiff of success ever.  Portugal needed to win by goal differential over Norway to go to the UEFA playoffs, where they lucked out and got Bosnia as an opponent who they handled with ease.  Portugal sucks.  Portugal sucks.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Philadelphia Eagles.  Outside of the 50 square miles of Pennsylvania and New Jersey where they have fans, there are few who don’t wish a meteor would annihilate their stadium (preferably while they played the Cowboys or Patriots).  Oh, and they haven’t won shit in their existence.

How will they fare?

Portugal being ranked 5^th in the world shows that mathematically speaking, the Portuguese have a good team.  But since the beginning of 2011, the best team they’ve beaten was a home win against Finland… the rest of their games outside of qualifying were garbage.  In this group, it’s really hard to peg where to put them.  They can score, score and score.  They can move the ball and command the midfield.  But they have no defense and are terribly weak at goalie.  This is lining them up to be in a few shootouts, particularly the Dutch, which would make for some great watching if not for the fact that they will dive every time a stiff breeze comes by.  I’m going to take the position that they are not going to show up for this, which would make me (and a billion other people) so happy.  Watching Portugal lose is like watching Duke lose in the first round of the NCAA tournament (add highlights from this year).

Predictions:

Netherlands                                      7 points

Germany                                             7 points

Portugal                                               1 point

Denmark                                             1 point

Federer's last hurrah

Federer’s last hurrah?

As the clay court season wraps up next weekend with the beginning of the French Open and Rafael Nadal claming his sixth straight Italian Open over new found rival and current world no.1 Novak Djokovic, the thought of another epic clay court duel looms. The French Open perhaps presents a chance for Nadal to obtain some redemption after failing in all seven meeting with the Serb in 2011.

However, emerging from the woodwork, longtime nemesis and debatably  best of all time, Roger Federer, quietly salivates at the possibility of arguably his last stand  (30 years old now, nearly eligible for ATP social security) at taking down Nadal at the French for the first time. Many forget the incredible rivalry that started years ago between Nadal and Federer, only to be overshadowed by the recent new kid on the block in that of Novak Djokovic.

Despite winning the French for the first time three years ago, albeit at the hands of Robin Soderling,  Federer needs no reminder of his rival Nadal’s 4-0 record against the Swiss at Roland Garros. To make things even more interesting, after Federer’s win last week at Barcelona, he moved up to the no. 2 world ranking, pushing Nadal to his lowest ranking (no.3) since he won his first major in Paris in 2005 at the tender age of 19.

If Federer were to retire today, many would consider him the greatest of all time, but to finally beat Nadal and win under the lights at chatrier would certainly cement Fed’s legacy as the best of the best and remove that final tennis monkey off his back.

So as emerging rivals Nadal (no 2 seed) and Djokovic ( no 1 seed) appear to be on path for yet another finals collision course, don’t assume Federer will passively sit like his homeland did during WWII as a neutral pussy. Federer unimpressed by the young guns will stop at nothing for what could be his final shot at tennis destiny and the chance to be unequivocally the best of all time.

UEFA Euro Cup 2012 Predictions: Group A

Reliving the tradition of the old times we now turn to soccer.  What’s that?  Soccer is for pussies?  Tell that to back bone plate on my right heel that was separated from the ball of my foot when I was a wee lad (OK, 13).  The game is far more physical than anyone who has never played it at a level higher than “recreational coed city level where everyone gets trophy” thinks.  On the flip side, if you are correcting me by saying “it’s football (or futbol),” speak American: God’s language.

International soccer plays well in the US.  Go ahead and hate…  but even the Women’s World Cup did reasonably well in the ratings despite not playing at optimal sporting times.  It drew an 8.6 rating on ESPN (whatever that means) versus the following day’s British Open (a 2.6 rating).  Haters, keep hating (add deadspin Manchester derby reax link) and remember how twitter works:  if you have a word, even if you hate said word, in your tweet, you are going to help it trend upward.  ESPN is going to broadcast games, during the summer, during daytime television.  They’re going to do it on ESPN2, too…  MWAHAHA pitiful non-soccer loving sports fans…  HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE THE DAY WITHOUT 10 STRAIGHT HOURS OF SPORTSCENTER!?  HOW WILL YOU BE ABLE TO COPE WITHOUT HERM EDWARDS TALKING ABOUT WHY COACHING IS THE NFL IS HURRRR DURRRRR?  SE ARRODILLAN ANTE SUS GOBERNANTES DEPORTIVOS!

Group A:

Greece

Ranking:  14

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group F Winner

All things considered, Greece played very well in qualifying.  They only surrendered 5 goals in 10 qualifying games and didn’t lose once.  But just like most things in Greece (/geopolitics slam), they were basically handed everything.  Greece played, by far, the easiest qualifying group.  Other teams in Group F:  Latvia, Georgia and Malta.  Yes, the dot in the middle of the Mediterranean kind of near Italy is big enough to have a soccer field (Malta) and if you thought Georgia was our Georgia, you can show yourself the door (click the X in the top right of your browser).  Croatia and Israel also were in the group, but basically speaking, Greece’s job was to undergo cellular respiration and they’d win the group.  They did and here we are.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Chicago White Sox.  Embarrassingly bad for decades in a row, randomly won a championship very unexpectedly (EURO 2004) followed by mediocrity ever since.

How will they fare?

The Greeks looked good qualifying, but again, it was a bad group to judge their real worth.  Other than 2004, the sample size of Greece at the international level is small and terribly skewed towards a comedic lack of anything resembling success.  In 2004, they stunned everyone by winning the whole thing… especially by beating Portugal, the host nation, in the final.  This is unlikely to happen, but then again, look at the group.  Poland is a doormat and you never know which Russia and Czech Republic will show up.  Greece’s range of success ranges from winning the tournament to falling in to bottomless pit on a team building exercise.  Instead of more speculation, we'll just show this.  

Russia

Ranking:  11

How they qualified:  Qualifying Group B Winner

Russia is the most metal country ever.  You think your country is messed up, go look at Russia’s history.  Sure, the French Revolution changed continental European politics for centuries by tearing down their own society inverting the structure of power for the common man.  But, the October Revolution led to their country immediately pulling out of a massive war with a 1,500 mile front just so they go fight themselves in a breathless, and very uncivil, civil war where the average man had no idea who he was for/against and the winners only emerged because everyone who could fight was either dead or practically dead.  The celebration for winning?  20 years of war on its people followed by 5 years against Germany and a homestretch of 50 years against everyone else in the world.  Is Russia the most metal country of all time? Yes.  (Some countries remodel old industrial apartments with bulldozers, Russia uses unexplained gas explosions).  Anyway, Russia qualified by subduing Armenia, Slovakia and Macedonia… something they were accustomed to doing after 45 years of practice.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Cincinnati Reds.  Favorite color is red, scary powerful in the 70s, disappeared in the mid 90s but is slowly emerging as a power yet again.  Team owners used to have a lot in common:  corrupt, profane, drunk and completely terrifying to public  when  they realize that who is in charge.

How will they fare?

Like Greece, this could go either way.  We don’t know which Russia will show up.  Russia has a history of being reasonably good at soccer, but not explosively good.  They won the 1960 EURO Cup, but that and a ruble will buy you nothing.  Right now they have a strong defense (gave up 4 goals in qualifying) and some solid strikers who can score.  Roman Pavlyuchenko is approximately Considering Poland is almost a mortal lock not to do well, it’ll be a three way between the Russians, Greeks and Czechs.  If that’s the case, Russia just needs to not lose twice and they are probably clear to the next round.

Poland

Ranking (for April 2012):  65

How they qualified:  Host Country

Last time Europe came over to Poland’s for a party, it got a little crazy.  Germany came over before the party was supposed to start while double fisting handles of Jack, Russia stormed over when it saw that Germany was already there doing kegstands and whatnot but tripped over Finland for a while before it got there and England was like “Yo we’re trying sleep over here” so Germany was like “Nah, bro party is everywhere” and took the party to Holland and Belgium and France and then Italy was like “Party time!” except Italy was like the nerdy kid who absolutely didn’t know how to party.  Anyway the party didn’t end America Fuck Yeah’d itself to Africa first while partying the fuck out of Japan’s neighborhood and then we partied all the way through Italy, France and brought the party to Germany even though by that point Germany was passed out with their face in the toilet and Russia was partying in Germany’s backyard.  Like all great parties, millions were lost in the process.  So… party at Poland’s place?  Yup.  Poland qualified because it is one of the host countries (along with Ukraine).  If it didn’t get that courtesy, they would have been torched in the qualifying process.

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  Sacramento Kings.  Completely irrelevant for years, no hope making it to the playoffs.  Long tradition of superior state rivals dominating them since inception.

How will they fare?

Traditionally, Poland has been swallowed by the success of the Germans and Russia, making it very difficult to succeed in a brutal European climate.  Traditionally, Poland’s SOCCER TEAM has been swallowed by the success of the Germans and Russians, making it very impossible to succeed in a brutal European climate.  Consider this, Lucas Podolski is a Polish born player with German roots.  Rather than be a national hero, but lose all the time, Podolski plays for Germany… where they win at everything.  FIFA has no rule to stop this because all you need is to have some kind of roots in a country and then you can play there.  Now imagine Poland’s problem even more when you consider Poland’s history is one filled with it changing colors, locations and the always interesting parlor trick:  the disappearing act.  If you are a skilled soccer player in Poland, you probably are of mixed roots and thus can go follow your roots elsewhere.  With that in mind, Poland stands no chance of winning and barring a miracle of sorts, will be gone immediately.

               

Czech Republic

Ranking:  26

How they qualified:  Playoff Winner

If you don’t win your group in EURO Cup qualifying, you just have to finish in second in your group.  Seeing as how the Czechs were put in the same group as Spain, all they have to do was beat the other teams and they’d make it to the qualifying playoffs.  Considering all they had to do was beat Liechtenstein, Scotland and Lithuania, the Czechs cruised to the playoff round where they flattened Montenegro.  It's not entirely shocking that this happened because with a goalie like Petr Cech, you always stand a chance...  as long as he has the beach ball with him, of course.  BEACH BALL FOR ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER!

American Sports Team They Are Most Like:  The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.  Occasional modest success in the 80s followed by a name change in the 90s which saw a slight rise in stature.  Known to collapse down the stretch when it matters (gave up a lead and an extra time golden goal to lose to Germany in the 1996 Euro Final).

How will they fare?

Truthfully, the Czech Republic is benefiting from being the easiest group.  Like Russia, we’re not 100% sure what’s going to happen with this team.  The Czechs are surprisingly competent at soccer and have some of the best young players in the world:  Vaclav Kadlec is the truth, yo!  Following patterns, every other EURO tournament brings success.  1996:  runner-up.  2000:  out first round.  2004:  semi-finals.  2008:  out first round.  Having a probably free victory against Poland will help, so it’ll depend on Greece and Russia’s fortunes and if you’re a Czech fan, you’ll be rooting for a scoring draw between them.

Predictions:

Greece                                  7 Points

Czech Republic                    6 points

Russia                                  4 points

Poland                                  0 Points

On the Hilarity of the Possibility of College Football's Playoff

by Slate Quicksilver

We've been gone for almost 2 years, but it's worth mentioning that the 2nd to last and 6th to last involved some form of conference realignment.  It's almost like a time capsule.  We were prepping for the World Cup...  Brazil did not play England in the finals.  Stan Van Gundy was selling cars and weighing in on what he correctly thought would be an unpredictable 2010 finals between the Lakers and Celtics.  And we we're part of the conference apocalypse in the college football landscape: Four 16 team mega conferences were on the horizon.

We certainly weren't correct.  We nailed Colorado moving to the Pac10, we got Mizzou moving but not to the SEC.  TAMU was nothing but a fringe theory to the SEC because we thought they were inseparable from Texas, who we correctly thought weren't going anywhere (and didn't buy the Independent "no-conference" theory, either).  Nebraska was already rumored to be locked in to the Big10, but we also thought Pitt was going there along with Notre Dame and maybe a few others.  We definitely didn't see Pitt jumping to the ACC with Syracuse... though it makes sense.  And finally even in the most absurd thoughts, we never thought the TCU, Boise State and (lol) San Diego State would join the Big East.

Make no mistake, the whole alignment thing transcends the old geographic boundaries.  College football is no longer a regional sport.  Yes, it's hilarious that Boise State would be in a conference called the "Big East" but it's more because of semantics than logistics.  Airplanes, cell phones and hordes of scouts/coaches/"consultants" make college football a national game in that they can recruit players from anywhere across the nation just as easily as it is to send their players across the nation to play their new conference rivals.

All this realignment talk, however, is being put down at the moment by something that would be alter college football's landscape far more than anything like West Virginia moving to the Big12 (though, that does matter and we'll get to that soon).  The fact that it sounds like the BCS is dead, or at least dead in its current carnation, and its replacement could be earth-shattering.  Everyone except the BCS conference commissioners and a few very powerful university presidents has wanted the BCS deader than dead since forever ago.  We've had boondoggles (Auburn, 2004), revolts (Michigan, 2006), multiple hoodwinks (Boise State, 20XX) and outright robberies (LSU-'Bama 2011 part 2)... and that's just the National Championship game.  Let's also share a laugh in the automatic slaughtered lamb the Big East's slot inhabits, despite the fact that the conference is likely a well organized living art comedy joke not unlike the movie Borat wherein the comedy is really the reactions of the audience.  The BCS has been busted, there's no doubt about that, but we lived with it like a nasty cavity because there was literally nothing that could be done about.  Well, we finally have dental insurance.  The first thing we do?  Root canal, bitches.

The SEC and Big12 look like they'll be going to the prom with each other for the next couple of years.  The winners of each conference will play each other probably in the JerryDome in Dallas each year.  This will almost certainly leave the Big10 and Pac12 destined to keep playing each other out in the Rose Bowl.  The Big10 and its infatuation with the Rose Bowl is borderline stalker-esque and honestly we don't know how they would react if they lost it but it would probably involve a mixtape being made at first followed by incremental increases in stalking to point of kidnapping and then, well, this.  Presumably, the winner play each other in a national championship (/gasps... a real one!) and there we go:  a 4 team playoff.  But boy does that set a few people off.

The ACC will be none too pleased with that decision, but what can they do?.

The Big East will OK no cares about the big east (<- lost capitalization right) lololol.

The Mountain West becomes a second tier league to the Big12.

C-USA and the MAC may as well become D-2 schools.  Wait, they are D-1... right?

The WAC?  It died a few weeks back, honey, but thanks for asking and send your condolences C/O Robb Akey, Idaho.

Miami and Florida State?  Laughably irrelevant.  Wait... is it 2008 again?

Virginia Tech?  There's always some blue collared work to be done in the Virginia mountain country.

Boise State?  That's what you get for tying your horse to the anchor of an China bound export freighter.  (The thought of teams like USF, UCF and Connecticut being sent on a freighter to China is, for some reason, really really funny).

But the real loser in all of this is:  Notre Dame.  All of that talk about being independent of conferences and how it helps you and gets better exposure and blablablah...  how's that looking right now?  You didn't want to join any conference, and now it looks like the only way you can be relevant is to be part of a conference.  How funny is that?  Notre Dame's chickens could come home to roost and it will make them spectacularly irrelevant and finally truly leave them surrounded by the echoes of the past that they so desperately hold on to.

So, the College Football Playoff could turn out to be the most epic trolling of all time sports.  The big 4 get together and breathtakingly screw over everyone else:  particularly Notre Dame.  I'm 150% for it.

Though, let's get the name changed of the game between the SEC and Big12 potential championship game:  the "Champions Bowl."  That screams of the work of a bad marketing firm stuck in the 1980s.

Potluck Sports: The Epic Return

by Slate Quicksilver

So...

What's everyone been up to lately?

Yeah... cool.

Slate got married.  Iroquois finished his school learnin'.  Annie [REDACTED] Libya after [REDACTED] in South Ossentia.

A lot of sports happened.  I think a recap is in order, but we'll get to that when we are officially back on Monday.

We also have 3 new authors:
E-Z is going to cover the NBA.  He hates everything (especially Dwyane Wade), except for mid 90s throwback basketball references.

Robotastronaut is going to write about soccer.  When his hair is super short, he looks like Arjen Robben (though he is better at taking penalty kicks...)

Chief Wandering Bear is going to be the baseball guy.  Since he's a fan of the sputtering Detroit Tigers, he'll have a lot to say.

Slate, Iroquois and Annie will still be here writing about just about everything.

Oh yeah, food.

There will be more food posts.

To show there are no hard feelings, enjoy this picture:

So we'll be back on Monday, 5/21.  Tell your friends, family and blood rivals.