Stuff That Interests No One: My Fantasy Sports Team

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

My fantasy football team missed an undefeated season by one point this year. I just wanted to brag to the Internet.

Final Squad (4th pick snake):

QB - Phillip Rivers, Joe Flacco
RB - Maurice Jones-Drew, Pierre Thomas, Darren Sproles, Quinton Ganther
WR - Derrick Mason, Roddy White, Miles Austin, Antonio Bryant, Mohamed Massaquoi
TE - Antonio Gates
DE - Clay Mathews, Andre Carter
DB - Brian Dawkins, Charles Tillman
D/ST - Bengals, Browns
K - Ryan Longwell, Connor Barth

Perhaps "The Hoff" is Right

Emergency DEFCON-1 levels have been activated in Gainesville. All points from Williston Road to 39th Street between I-75 and Waldo Road have been cordoned off as radical factions of the Gator Nation have stormed the streets fighting for supremacy and looking for a scapegoat. All of those not involved with the conflict are recommended to evacuate to the designated zones in either Haile Plantation or the Airport to be entered into the refugee camps until the situation has been curtailed either by U.N. resolution. Nuclear attack from either Tuscaloosa or Baton Rouge, the only SEC teams with dangerous firepower of any kind, is also a possible endgame. Unfortunately for those fighting, there is no Orwellian "Goldstein" character to create as a universal fall guy for all of the ills of the current time.

The factions, once realizing there is no one to blame but their Golden Calf's own health, will eventually turn their ire into a fight for who should be the next in line. Some back Tommy Tuberville, former coach of Auburn. Others back Gary Patterson, head coach of TCU while some like Chris Petersen who is the head coach of Boise State. Other names thrown around are Bobby Petrino (hell to the f*ck no), Mike Shanahan (why?) and former Gators D-Coordinator Charlie Strong (spoken for). An outsider who we shall call "I. Plisken" has theorized one Will Muschamp, D-Coordinator at Texas/coach in waiting, could be in the race.

Though there is no faction in Gainesville that is publicly backing Muschamp, the logic is there (whereas it is not when Mike Shanahan is mentioned). Mack Brown, who is obstructing Muschamp's ascent to the throne of Texas, signed a 5 year extension to coach the Longhorns. Muschamp would make a fine coach with his intensity and defensive prowess. The offense is in place for next season (a more traditional offense) and Will Muschamp would turn the Gators defense into an even more destructive force and he can recruit as good as anyone. Hopefully this "Iroquois P." will elaborate more on his speculation.

We can only hope that things will settle down shortly and that order will be restored in Gainesville after the hiring of whichever head coach is chosen. We can only hope that the next coach will not be a reincarnation of either Charley Pell (5 years of violation-palooza), Galen Hall (a near death penalty experience) or Ron Zook (/deep sigh of sadness and recalled pain).

Relaying a Message to the Reader from a Website Favorite

From all of us here at Potluck Sports, we want to wish you the happiest of holidays to you and yours. Remember, if you decide that "some assembly required" means "forget it, time to watch basketball", tune in at 2 PM ET and watch me, Stan Van Gundy of Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, take on the Boston Celtics. You know, Doc Rivers is a nice guy. I once sold him one of my finer used cars, back when I was coachin/dealin' in Miami. Of course, I had a lot nicer cars to work with down there. Were they swank? You bet. Were they legally acquired? That's not for Stan to decide; used is used! Just take the dings and worn down rims from the cars and push 'em back out there. Bullet holes? Throw a fresh coat of paint on it, cut $4000 off the tag, and SALE! Ol' Stan knows how to work the marks out there.

In this world, it's seen and be seen, and trust me folks, if you're seen in a Stan Van Gundy certified used car, you will be seen. Seen as a visionary. A true giant amongst men. They also make great Christmas gifts. That's right, even though I've got a game today and it's Christmas, I'm workin' on a holiday OVERTIME just to get you a deal! Today only--you buy from me, you can get your car driven home by an actual Magic player! Probably Redick; he doesn't really play as much as he probably should. I keep him around because he could be a fantastic salesman. He's just gotta get rid of that smug sense of self-satisfaction.

In summation...

HOLIDAYS! USED CARS! BASKETBALL! ME, STAN VAN GUNDY! Everything you've ever wanted (and more, I suspect) is at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales!

The Holidays... Family... Fun...

Today is Christmas Eve Eve, and as such, the staff at this site is with their families. Nothing says family like boiling angst roasting amongst a sea of loathing and yelling once a simple topic like Christmas in years past, family engagements or (when all else fails) politics.

A quick drop-in from the Quicksilver household of Christmas' past around 1994 when Slate was a younger lad:

"Dad, I heard on the TV that the Republican party is standing solely to obstruct progress rather than better the lives of their own constituents just for the sake of petty partisan politics?" (paraphrased)

"Ever since Ronald Reagan left office, Communism has sounded better and better because at least we would have executed everyone"

"Dad, you want everyone dead?"

"You are so lucky the thought police was disbanded after Bush (1.0)... I would have turned you in years ago."

"The thought police?"

"Yeah they read your thoughts and shoot you if you don't agree with them."

"And that is Communism?"

"No, it's capitalism and if you keep asking me questions, the thought police will come through the portal in your closet."

"Are we capitalist?"

"Yes."

/Doesn't sleep well for the next 10 years when he finally moves away for college

Merry Christmas Everyone! Posting may be limited due to travel and cookies, but we will post as necessary.

Your Weekly College Bowl Game Picks for the Week of 12-21-2009

Considering that not all of the bowls take place on a weekend, we have modified the traditional "Your Weekend CFB Picks for xx/yy/zzzz". Instead, we at PLS will post our wildly popular picks column every Monday. Because this is the start of the Bowl series, there are quite a few games this week. Mind your P's and Q's and dive on in, because this is gonna be a long one.

Tuesday:

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl - Oregon State v. BYU

Iroquois:
A surprisingly good bowl for Las Vegas. While BYU is here for the 4th year in a row, Oregon State might have to be a little disappointed with ending up here. I'm not really confident that BYU is going to be excited to be here; familiarity breeds contempt. Oregon State has a dynamic RB in Quizz Rogers. Seriously, do yourself a favor and watch him. If you're a big fan of little RBs (like I am), you'll be looking forward to watching him for the next two years.

By the way, how does MAACO get a bowl? They're like the Ol' Roy of auto repair. Budget-class. Chock full of complaints. Were I Las Vegas, I would not want to be associated with such a shoddy act. I guess when Comcast and FedEx are your clients, you can pay any unseasonable amount to get lucky with a good bowl game every now and again.

Oregon State over BYU.

Slate:
What's the difference between going to your first Rose Bowl in several decades and going to a pointless bowl against a team that is in a bowl in a city that juxtaposes with the school's austere religious philosophy for the 4th year in a row? 4 points. Oregon State wanted a Rose Bowl bid, but couldn't get it done. BYU wanted more as well. The Cougars opened the season slaying Oklahoma and ruining Sam Bradford's party run through to the championship run. But a few loses down the road ended that. The Beavers offense will do well against BYU's defense which was proven to be slightly "holey." ZING!

Iroquois asks why MAACO is sponsoring this bowl, yet I ask "why not." MAACO has everything Las Vegas is about. Covering up a busted and ugly underside that may not be entirely legal (at least in terms of street legal) is what MAACO does. And Las Vegas? All it happens to be is one paint job/neon light glitz job from being exactly what it is: America's red light district.

Beavers over Mormons

Wednesday

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl - Utah v. Cal

Iroquois:
My God. There really are no words for this sponsor. Scholars have long debated what the meaning of San Diego means, but it probably is German for "whale's vagina". If you don't know where that is from at this point, just stop reading and never come back. Speaking of people who haven't seen Anchorman, check out this Yahoo answers page. The Internet is great.

As for the actual game, it's probably too close to call. Cal's favored by 3,5 but really, the measureables of this game are just too close to call. There's 0.5 turnovers separating the two teams and no superstar that's going to sway the game, as if Jahvid Best were still there. The X-factor will probably be Shane Vereen, a fine RB in his own right.

Cal over Utah.

Slate:
Utah never gained much traction this year, and seeing as how Cal fizzled against the big fish in the Pac10 pond, neither did they. In fact for Cal it was a normal year. Lose to the big ones, lose to one smaller one and beat all of the little kids on the block. Losing hyperback Jahvid Best was tough, but the offense never had a passing game all year. Both are reasonable teams and it'll be close, but I find Utah walking away.

Sponsor-wise, this is an egregious foul on the bowl circuit. There is no national brand, just locality and it's a credit union. Not a bank. Not a firm or a group, but a credit union... the bank version of a collective farm in Soviet Russia. If you get a loan from there, everyone owns your car!

Utah over Cal

Thursday

Sheraton Hawai'i Bowl - Nevada v. SMU

Iroquois:
This will actually be a fun game, I think. You've got the offense with the most yards gained per possession (Nevada) plus the uniqueness of the pistol formation on one side. Opposite, you have about as spread-y an offense as you can get, one which simultaneously requires both running and shooting. It does have a history of giving QBs the opportunity to put up crazy numbers. I had always wondered what happened to that guy after college. Better than delivering pizzas, I guess, though probably less tasty in the long run. Also, it never really occurred to me to give JJ any sort of advantage because he was returning to Hawai'i until I was writing this blurb. Strange how things hit you that way.

A serious note for a moment: while many Gator fans might have beef with June because of his controversial comments on Tebow's system, there was a recent blog entry on the NYT's Quad Blog highlights one of those fascinating stories you might never know about unless someone does a little bit of legwork, wherein Jones fulfills a promise to one of his recently departed assistant coaches. I don't want to take the hits away from their article, so that's as far as I'll go, but it really is a touching, if brief, read. Here's the link to that article.

Nevada over SMU.

Slate:
Thursday's forecast in Honolulu, Hawai'i calls for a high of 80, low of 67 and a 100% chance of NUTTYNESS!!!! June Jones returns to the land of spam, Polynesians and a people that swear to God that Hawaii is so different from America that it should be its own country(!). Those are the same people who don't understand the crushing economic woes and diplomatic issues that would arise immediately. Idiots. Anyway, SMU's offense is batty and nutzo with all of its passing. This is juxtaposed with Nevada's run heavy pistol offense which batty and nutzo on its own. In the end, I think SMU comes out alive because Nevada's pass defense is pitiful.

By the way, Sheraton is not a bad sponsor. Nice hotels, nice locales, nice staff. All said, this bowl deserves a high five for location and sponsor. However, two reasonable climate teams are there. No, Reno is not the best weather destination in December, but I'm willing to bet that Idaho's fanbase in Moscow, Idaho would much rather be in Honolulu than Dallas-ites.

SMU over Nevada (caps for extra emphasis)

Saturday

Little Caesar's Bowl - Marshall v. Ohio

Iroquois:
I love how writing lends itself to segways sometimes. I go from talking about delivering pizzas to bowl games sponsored by pizza (and we're not done yet!) I really don't know anything about either of these teams, other than their location in the upper Rust Belt of the United States, and I'm not even sure that's right. Unlike Slate, I might be best described as 'geographically challenged'. I couldn't navigate my way out of a paper bag. I also do know that former UF DBs coach John Holliday was hired as Marshall's HC, causing a minor controversy because Holliday has deep roots to Marshall's rival West Virginia.

Having exhausted my actual knowledge of either of these teams, I now briefly turn to why Lil Caesar's pizza is better than Papa John's. Don't get me wrong, I think PJ's pizza is alright. There's something about the LC's pizza, though, that's endearing. Is it the crust? Is it the square shape? Is it the fact that it's like Hungry Howie's pizza done correctly? I don't know, but it's damn good.

I can't believe I'm onto a third paragraph, none of which have really anything to do with the game at hand, but you can definitely tell the Wikipedia article for Lil Caesar's was written by a Canadian or someone not American. I present Exhibit A (and really my only piece of evidence, other than LC being big in Canada):

A new location was also scheduled to open in the Pittsburgh suburb of Whitehall on 29 September 2009.

29 Sep 2009? Really?

Marshall over Ohio.

Slate:
Quick commentary on the plight of Detroit:
Unlike what you may think or have heard, no you will not a Kevlar vest if you are venturing to Adams St. and Montcalm in downtown Detroit. This is because crime in Detroit is no longer the issue. Why? This is because there is nobody in Detroit anymore! There is no one to rob you. There is no one to mug you. Detroit no longer has a supermarket in its boundaries. There is just no one there to create the crimes. And as such, there is no taxbase and thus no way out of this crushingly brutal depression.

That said, Marshall and Ohio will draw 11 people to the stadium. Ohio has an athletic QB and Marshall has 11 players on the field at all time during the game as per the rules of Football (I don't feel like researching this bowl one bit). In a coin flip, I go with Ohio.

As for Little Caesars being the sponsor, this is just embarrassing. Seriously. No more words are necessary.

Ohio over Marshall

Meineke Car Care Bowl - North Carolina v. Pittsburgh

Iroquois:
Now we turn to the silver medal of the car service companies bowl (long live the AutoZone Liberty Bowl!) I personally have never visited a Meineke, even though there are literally a dozen within a small radius from where I hail.

This game has to be considered a disappointment from both sides. UNC HC Butch Davis, who captained the 2001 Miami squad, has to be a decent coach still. He's been getting some talent into UNC (note the recent success of Hakeem Nicks) as well as Marvin Austin, who will be one of many DTs in this surprisingly deep class of DTs. We also have one of the all-name team guys in Quantavius Sturdivant. Your author learned of Mr. Sturdivant when he tried to commit to UF but Urban wasn't quite on board with it. Safe to say, I think Urban might take a do-over on that one given the chance.

Then we get to the Wannstache, who was previously on course for a BCS bowl (maybe) until they ran into the burning couch that is the West Virginia Mountaineers (again, more segwaying). I've extolled the virtues of the Wannstache's squad before on this site and I refuse to back down from them now. In fact, I appear to be fairly confident they will win, not that I've been really good at picking winners this year.

Wannstache over Quantavius.

Slate:
It was fun for the Wannstache for the time, but a missed extra point torpedoed that. I'm sure somehow there is a way to blame the Wannstache for that. Anyway, Iroquois was right in saying Pitt was an OK team this year. And they will roll in this game over a dull North Carolina team.

Meineke should be made fun of, but do you want George Foreman up your ass if you make fun of them? I sure as hell don't. He may be older than 60 but he could still ruin you day without much effort.

Pitt over UNC

Emerald (Nuts) Bowl - Southern California v. Boston College

Iroquois:
Not exactly what you had in mind to start the year, is it Pete? This is as big a shock to this observer as it is to you, I'm certain. Also, not to jump on a moral high horse, but is this really the best cover story that Mr. McKnight's benefactor can concoct? If it's true, then my apologies. Amazing coincidences have their way of sounding like total horsecrap.

USC over BC.

Slate:
Let's just pause for a few lines to soak in how much fun it is to see USC fall this far.






Thanks.

USC, if they show up, will destroy a dull and sleepy Boston College team handily. If they don't show up, they will destroy a dull and sleep Boston College team.

Emerald nuts is a good sponsor though. They have funny commercials and their product is not bad. Kudos to all involved.

USC over BC

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl - Kentucky v. Clemson

Iroquois:
There's really no reason Clemson shouldn't win this bowl. They have the superior offensive talent (CJ Spiller, Jacoby Ford) to outgun Kentucky. Trevard Lindley, an excellent CB, can only do so much to neutralize either guy (not sure why he'd be covering Spiller), but Ford is the kind of receiver that can give Lindley problems (super fast both coming off routes and in the open field). Combined with Kentucky's not-so-potent offense against Da'Quan Bowers and Ricky Sapp...just not looking like Kentucky's day.

I'm less convinced, however, that Clemson will want to show up. They should be in the Konica Minolta Gator Bowl, were it not for some shady dealing with the Seminoles and the fact that the Gator Bowl is dropping the ACC as a tie-in next year. I like Kentucky for an upset wherein a disinterested CJ Spiller does not show up for this game, which has to grind the Sons of Clem's gears.

Kentucky over Clemson.

Slate:
We finally reach the end of this weeks entry will a game of little importance or draw. Clemson has CJ Spiller, Kentucky has Trevard Lindley. No offense to Mr. Lindley, but I give the advantage to Spiller. It is true, however, that Clemson has little else outside of Spiller, so maybe an injury or a meteor hitting him could turn the tables for Kentucky, but that is probably a 20% chance even during a meteor storm.

Clemson over Kentucky

In response to a Marlins fan, why your team should move and why it is all your fault.

By Red Herring

I’m about to lawyer Slate.

The Location of the stadium:

South Florida has a lot of things, but one of the things it doesn’t have is a major rail infrastructure to move massive amounts of people around. The truth is that South Florida is the most excellent example of urban sprawl I can think of. Everything is far away from everything else and if you want to get somewhere you either have to drive a car or take a bus. Now this alone doesn’t mean that a team will fail but it sure doesn’t help in their attendance. Slate suggests that moving the stadium to a “better” part of South Florida will result in an increase in attendance. I argue that the Dolphins already play in the apparent cesspool that is Land Shark Stadium and manage to draw very good crowds. If the stadium isn’t the problem then what is?

Maybe the product that the team puts on the field is the problem. But wait, this Marlins team, this lowest attendance numbers of any National League team, has won not one but TWO World Series titles in its short life. How can this be?

Good attendance when they are winning?:

Simply put even when the Marlins put a quality team on the field the fans don’t show up, and you can’t blame that on the stadium because we know that another pro team plays in the same stadium and is able to draw capacity crowds. In 2003 the year that the Marlins won their second World Series the Marlins only beat two teams in terms of home attendance, the Washington Nationals and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. So even when the Marlins manage to put a quality team on the field the fans still stay away and that is something you cannot blame on the stadium.

The finances of the team:

Another argument that has been presented is that the Marlins struggle to draw crowds because of the oppressive contract they have with the stadium. Well, research being something I tend to do before I simply go off on tangents, I decided to look at what the Marlins spend on salary and what they received from MLB’s revenue sharing agreement. I feel that this site explains what the Marlins do best by examining what the Marlins did in 2006 ”By shedding these stars, Florida was able to cut its payroll down to $14.9 million in 2006, which is less than 20% of the Major League average of $78 million. It was also less than half of the $31 million in revenue sharing dollars the team received that year. So, rather than using the money to retain or attract on-field talent, the owners took it as part of the team's MLB best $43 million profit in 2006.” You can’t blame a bad contract with a stadium for simply refusing to spend money on players, what this telling statistic tells us is that even if the Marlins were getting 100% of the money being spent at the stadium they still wouldn’t have spent it on payroll, and when it is clear the team is not in it to win it why should the fans bother to make the trek to the stadium?

The finances argument fails because it is clear that the Marlins ownership group won’t spend money, not that they can’t. Maybe that was just that one year? Nope, this article points out that this kind of thing has been going on for a long time. So, I’m sorry to say, the claim that the Marlins have no money to spend is simply not true. They have money to spend they just don’t do it. So even if the fans would come to the game, which they don’t, they won’t spend any money on putting a quality team on the field anyway.

The No Spin Zone

by Slate Quicksilver

We here at PLS are trying a new route called "point-counterpoint." Earlier, Red attempted to sway the general public into moving the Florida Marlins. This seems like an almost fair point. The Marlins always rank near the basement (if not the actual basement) in attendance and they trade all of their players. That's a fair assessment. But his points were not done with clear research and with some inequities in his points.

Enter the No Spin ZONE!

Marlins fans do, in fact, exist. You are reading the words of one. Now you may be thinking: "Slate, wait a second. You are biased!" Of course I am! If you want unbiased coverage and fair thoughts and salient points, trek on over here.

Look, the fans do exist. The Marlins TV ratings were misreported by Red. They actually have the 4th LARGEST tv market by actual viewers watching the game. Only the Yankees, Red Sox and Cubs beat them and those teams have ENTIRE REGIONS of the country to draw viewers from. The Fish have all counties south of the I-4 corridor and a smattering of counties north of Orlando (population = ~11,000,000) to draw potential viewers from. Marlins games were, in 2008 and 2009, shown on the Armed Forces Network as their Sunday Baseball game several times, which means someone was requesting them to be shown. So to say that fans don't care is erroneous.

But I'm not hear to attack my colleague and friend, who happens to be a New York Yankees fan (I'm not saying anything... but I'm just saying...).

Let's look at why there are vast empty tracks of nuclear orange seats in Joe Player LandShark Robbie Pro Dolphins Stadium. We'll go from the weakest to strongest of arguments.

Reason 1: The stadium is in the middle of nowhere. JPLSRPD Stadium is in the smack dab middle of the hardcore south Florida ghetto. Miramar, Florida flanks the stadium to the north and Miami Gardens sits to the South. Walking down these streets are an open invitation for any unsavory character to rob you blind and leave you bleeding in the streets. Don't bother calling the cops/EMTs... they won't come. JPLSRPD is not like the venerable stadiums in the large city/high attendance teams. Wrigley Field, Yankee Stadium, Fenway Park, US Cellular Field, SafeCo Field, AT&T Park, Citi Field are all near or are on train/subway stops. Those are big pulls for attendance in the majors you can't overlook. For the Marlins, you can try your luck on the city buses. So unlike what people do these days and did in the past, people don't just jump on a train and get dropped off at the stadium. Kids can't play hookie and go to a day game instead of school because they would be kidnapped in minutes. You have to pay 20 bucks to park... and we'll touch on that down the road. Not only are there actually fans, the Marlins are also the gateway to the Caribbean and the team of choice for the Latin World (who cares about baseball that is). MLB needs that influence to get their international appeal. There's no such thing as: "I think I'll go to the game tonight." Going to a game requires days and months of preparation and a zen-like thought process to not murder in cold blood the 9th guy who cut you off getting into the single toll lane they have on the way out towards the Turnpike.

Point is, the Stadium is a shithole and there is no easy way to get there/get away from there. People from West Palm Beach (28% of the market) are 1 hour+ from the stadium. It's not like they can jump on the Red line and be there by 6:50 for a 7:05 start.

Reason 2: The team trades every player away the second they want more than $6.15 an hour. Some people think "they are a terrible team because they just trade their players all the time." Well those people are lazy. They don't know this: the contract they have with the stadium is the worst screw job in the history of professional sports. For every dollar spent on tickets, the team only gets 30%! They get no concessions money. They get a fraction of parking. So basically, most of the money made there doesn't go to them. Now who could be dumb enough to sign that contract? No one, in their right mind, that's who. And you know why they did it? It took them 15 years to get their own stadium. That's why. Wayne Huizenga, the worst human being alive, rammed the contract up their asses because he knew they couldn't go anywhere else. This is vindictive-ness on an epic scale and a destruction of business ethics.

So when the Marlins trade Dan Uggla in a few weeks, don't think "oh they are stupid/or bad." Know it's because they have no money no matter what they do. And that's the most cited reason why no one goes. It's impossible to like the team because it changes every 3 years regardless of success or lack thereof. And either pity or leave alone their fans because it happens all the time.

Reason 3: The Marlins have good attendance when they do well. This cannot be denied. I don't have "facts" to "back this up"... again go here for that sort of thing... but the Marlins have an above average attendance record for when they are in playoff contention and they have set modern-day (post 1970) baseball records for attendance during the playoffs. So again, the fans are there. A new stadium has the promise of a regular fan base to regularly attend. No more random 2 hour rain delays. No more sitting in 95 degree heat/98% humidity at 8:30 PM. No more minuscule payrolls because every dollar spent there goes to the team rather than the vindictive reclusive former owner who deserves to be eaten alive by bears. The new stadium will save the franchise. Will they shoot up to the top 10 in the majors? Probably not. But they will leave the bottom 10. They will spend money and contend on a regular basis (not every 6 years). You can bring up numbers of successful minor league teams in large cities, but that is not indicative if they will see them when tickets are more steep than $14 for the most expensive seats in the house.

Moving the Marlins would be a terrible idea. Move Pittsburgh, move Washington back to Canada. They have new stadiums and don't draw dick. But moving the Marlins is a terrible idea.

Cities that should have Major League teams and Cities that shouldn’t

By Red Herring.

We all know them, those teams that just don’t make sense. The sports equivalent of trying to put a square peg into a round hole. I’ve decided in my infinite wisdom (Ed. Note - HAHAHAHA!) to examine a few of these frustrated franchises and explore where they could better plant their roots.

Our first installment is:

The Florida Marlins

I know I know, they have a new stadium coming and a new name coming with it. But guess what, attendance figures don’t lie. Now I know what some people (including some people who happen to write for this very blog) are going to say, “but.. but… but… the Marlins have solid middle of the road TV ratings.” Well guess what, TV ratings don’t buy Hot dogs and Soda for the kiddies for 8 bucks a pop or a beer for $14.99. During one point in their illustrious history the marlins managed to draw about 400 people to a game against the Nationals, so few people that a fan was thrown out for arguing with an umpire! Living in South Florida for a significant part of my life I can tell you one thing with certainty, the only sports team with fins that people in south Florida care about play football and that is not going to change anytime soon.

For whatever reason South Florida has not embraced Major League Baseball and it is time for the two sides to say that they gave it a good go but have decided to move on. But where, where do we send the now homeless Marlins? They need to go somewhere that has a solid fan base and a big market. That is why I humbly suggest that the Marlins move to Indianapolis.

They will have to change their name because let’s be honest, the Indianapolis Marlins just sounds silly. So let’s call them the Indianapolis Wildcats. The region is more than big enough to support a major league team and the triple-A team the Indianapolis Indians have excellent attendance numbers. If they can get 549,552 people to come to see a minor league team play in a year then they certainly can get enough people into the seats to support a major league team.

So ladies and gentlemen that is my opening salvo in the Marlins should move discussion. What do you think? Leave a comment and I’ll respond to your thoughts, or I won’t, you’re not the boss of me.

Putting Currency Where The Piehole Is: My Bowl Picks Put in Public(k)

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Let's see how much fun it is to have bowl picks proudly displayed like a badge of honor. I'm not too afraid to make a wrong pick and I think it would be fun to have it on display. I'll go in-depth on my picks a bit later, but I wanted to get them up and in the open for our savagely loyal readers to digest like a Thankstaking meal.

Here are the picks (and you can track them on ESPN, I think). Let's see how I do. I'm nearly positive you can only view them after tomorrow, once the games start up.

Mocking Accenture's Sudden Sense of Morality in re: Tiger Woods

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Slate was right; this is a slow news week, outside of Tiger Woods getting some tail. I do have one thought on his sponsors dropping Tiger like a bad habit: Where in the hell does Accenture find the requisite moral fiber to get rid of Tiger Woods swiftly and painlessly? According to Accenture:

"[G]iven the circumstances of the last two weeks ... the company has determined that [Woods] is no longer the right representative for its advertising."

Please go drink a tall cool bleach cocktail, Accenture. Seriously, whatever each and every one of you are doing, stop doing that and have that bleach cocktail with a side of Early Cuyler's Party Liquor and a heaping helping of cyanide steak. Do you seriously have the high horse to be telling Tiger Woods what to do? You are subsidiaries of Arthur Andersen LLP, who, if you'll recall, orchestrated the Enron, WorldCom, Sunbeam, and Waste Management accounting scandals. I think you've ruined more lives in one of your scandals than Tiger has positively impacted. The very fact that you're dropping a guy for a(n admittedly large) mistake is laughable. Kill yourselves.

That is all. Carry on, citizens.

Bengals WR Chris Henry Dies at 26

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

It's been a rough year for Bengals fans. Today, Chris Henry died of complications of injuries sustained from falling out of a truckbed. He was 26. John Eradi of cincinnati.com has a nice reflection piece on Henry.

Compounding the Bengals' collective griefs this year is the death of DC Mike Zimmer's wife from cancer earlier in the year. Many viewers will recall the inspiring video of the locker room after their 17-14 win over Baltimore (a victory that has proven quite valuable over the course of this year).

Truly, there is never any joy in seeing a young man (albeit a man older than all of this site's writers) lose his life early and of the tragic circumstances which he was trying to escape. Henry seemed to have started to turn his life around, finally obtaining the off-the-field stability he so desperately needed. His demons, though, got the best of him and now he will never get a chance to recover.

Requiescat in pace.

Central Michigan University: Cincinnati's Coaches Cradle

by Slate Quicksilver

Not much to talk about unless I wish to dive into the "Tiger Woods is Straight" story. Thus we turn to a fun fact:

For the second time in four years, the University of Cincinnati has stolen Central Michigan University's coach at such a time that he will not coach the Chippewas' bowl game.

First, Brian Kelly was snatched by the Bearcats after he led CMU to a 9 win season and the first bowl berth in about 9 million years. He left for Cincy so quickly that he didn't coach them in the Motor City Bowl. Cincinnati had just lost their coach, Mark Dantonio, to Michigan State. Funny, seeing as how Brian Kelly was in the Spartans' backyard for years both in Mt. Pleasant and at Grand Valley State. Go back read about the Stupidity Dome for more.

Well, in case you haven't heard, Brian Kelly left Cincinnati to go to Notre Dame. Cincinnati, again without a coach turned to their breeding ground in Mt. Pleasant to snag Butch Jones. Butch Jones took the reins from the Kelly regime and kept Central Michigan as a reasonable MAC powerhouse. They are currently ranked #25 in the AP poll and are going to the GMAC bowl to play a garbage Sun Belt team. Like last time, Jones is leaving so quickly so greener pastures (both figuratively and literally), he won't coach the Chips in their biggest game in years.

The question must be asked: "Why do coaches run screaming from the premises in Mt. Pleasant?" Is it because the town would cease to exist without the college? Doubtful seeing as how just about every college town in the south would be two stoplights, a Hardees and a boarded up Winn-Dixie if not for their respective colleges and universities. Perhaps there is more to it, but that would require investigative reporting and that will take time and resources and attention... something this site is lacking in spades.

Maybe, Mt. Pleasant is just a middle of nowhere town in the middle of a state falling apart at the seams thanks to unemployment and destructive political infighting. Maybe it's because no prized recruit would ever go there because of that lack of anything (other than a casino). Maybe it's because we are talking about the MAC here and being a MAC powerhouse is like being a gold medalist at the Special Olympics. Who knows?

All said, we wish luck to Central Michigan, Butch Jones (after the Sugar Bowl) and we wish pestilence and harm to Brian Kelly at Notre Dame not because we are anti-Kelly, but because we are anti-Notre Dame.

100th Post Explosion of Sports

by Slate Quickilver

Iroquois had his extravaganza, so I will have an Explosion. It's wonderful that this site reached 100 posts and it's a great milestone. Yet, we can't dwell on it. We still have objectives to reach. But thank you for your support of this site, we know that you are out there (even if you don't post...) and we will continue to do better. That being said...

On to the explosion.

Issue #1: This is why we need a goddamn salary cap in baseball!

Please don't give me the standard "You are a fan of a small market" argument, because this is not a standard "Fan of a small market shooting at the big markets" argument. It's infuriating that the big market teams consolidate their power in just a 2 week swing.

Halladay to the Phillies? They don't need him! Yes, Philly is trading the gems of their system for the lone show horse of the Blue Jays organization. But the Phillies had Cliff Lee, who they could have had this upcoming year for cheaper.

Then we see the Red Sox getting John Lackey. Yet again, they do not need him! Lackey now reinforces the Red Sox already great pitching staff. The Red Sox getting John Lackey is like getting bacon on Double Quarter Pounder at McDonalds because you want more calories.

Hideki Matsui is going to the Angels, and guess what... THEY DON'T NEED HIM! Interestingly enough, this ties into my next target. Curtis Granderson to the Yankees!? THEY DON'T NEED HIM! Is Johnny Damon, Melky Cabrera and (formerly) Hideki Matsui not enough!?! The Tigers got Dombrowski'd. I do not weep for them, because the Marlins got Dombrowski'd several times. What is a Dombrowski? It's when your GM overreacts and trades your most popular players for marginal prospects just because the owner said "we need to lighten the load." A Dombrowski is an overreaction akin to lighting a cigarrette with a cruise missile.

Now listen, yes, I am a small market team. The smallest of the small market teams. The Marlins don't want to pay their players any more than $6.15 and hour. But should I change teams just because my owner is terrible human being who is leeching off of the system (the CBA that allows for shared revenue)? I don't condemn those teams because they do it. They can and it's good for them. But it kills the competitive balance of the game.

And that's why we need a salary cap. The salaries are already ludicrous. Randy Wolf for 29 million over 3 years? That's a joke and marginally insulting. We need a cap to kill those stupid contracts and to limit the big teams from ruining the game for the others. The big teams can still spend right up to the cap and the lower teams probably won't go that high. But it will return balance to the game. In fact, the NHL (yes, hockey) has it right (no that isn't a typo). They have a salary minimum. If you don't want to pay a minimum salary, then don't own a team. Competitive balance will return and the argument of "big market teams are killing the game" will go away.

Issue #2: The BigTen wants to add a 12th team?

Maybe. Maybe, possibly. It has to go through a vote with all of the school presidents and boards. And it will take years. But it could happen.

This is wonderful news for a conference trapped in the 1990s both in game strategy and structure. A 12th team will allow for divisions, a conference championship game and maybe a chance to bring in a new power team to return the conference back to respectability.

So who will it be?

Notre Dame: No. They are too stupid to jump at this opportunity. They have their fading NBC contract and will probably fade to nothing as a result.

Pitt: This is a legit one. They fit geographically, they have a tradition in playing Penn State and they are doing well.

Cincinnati: If Cincy goes and Notre Dame doesn't, wouldn't that make Brian Kelly a touch pissed? This would be good seeing as how the state of Ohio has only one team yet is the second largest state by population in the conference.

Issue #3: Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods! Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods Tiger Woods.

So that's it folks. Thanks for a great first 100 posts, and we'll be back (hopefully) for another 100. We promise more Picks (we'll figure it out), more wrapups (we'll figure it out), more SVG auto sales and more food columns (yes, we remember those too).

99th Post Extravaganza - Random Thoughts on Buffets and MLB

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

In the spirit of the site, for the (almost) 100th post, I will pen a few quick thoughts on some baseball hot stove, then quickly offer a thought on all-you-can-eat buffets.

First, some breaking news. As of this typing, a report surfaced that Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee are changing teams in a three-card-monte between Seattle (who receives Lee, amazingly), Toronto, and Philly. It is interesting that after "settling" for Cliff Lee (and reaching a World Series in the process), Philly just as quickly ships him out. I'm really not sure how much of an upgrade Ol' Roy is at this point for Philly, unless they were really itching to get a RHP in there. Lee was absolute perfection when he needed to be and I'd probably have been a bit more reluctant to ship him off. Still, the details are sketchy at best, so we'll see what happens from there. Your author finds it interesting how often Cliff Lee ends up being shipped in blockbuster deals, swiftly recalling one of the worst trades of all time wherein Lee, Brandon Phillips, and Grady Sizemore for what amounted to Bartolo Colon during his Radar Love phase. Meanwhile, Seattle has another ace to stack with Felix Hernandez and Erik Bedard (if he ever figures himself out).

From talking about lefties to a guy who can't hit lefties, the Yankees acquired Curtis Granderson for a slew of prospects, mostly going to Detroit. Red Herring, the token Yankees fan, is pretty upset that the Yankees gave up Austin Jackson in the deal, and I can't say I blame him. For really what just amounts to Granderson, the Yankees threw a lot of chips out. Baby Grand was a lovely fantasy player last year (average aside) because he was Adam Dunn like, only with greater speed, but for all practical purposes, the Yanks better hope Granderson can produce that 30 home runs again because that average (~.250) is not gonna fly in the Bronx.

I love this deal for the Tigers, though. Edwin Jackson is not going to be near as good as Scherzer in perhaps as little as two years, though both are fine pitchers in their own right. In addition, the Tigers got enough pieces, mostly lefty relievers, to patch a lot of holes in their pen and a future star in Austin Jackson. What puzzles your author the most is why Arizona felt compelled to make a deal here. Really? Just Edwin Jackson and Ian Kennedy? How highly do you have to value both of these guys?

The Red Sox traded away Mike Lowell for Max Ramirez (nice deal, if it goes through) and signed John Lackey today. If we're going to see the John Lackey of old (the Cy Young Lackey), this is going to be an above average acquisition. Lackey's stuff isn't as dominating as A.J. Burnett, but he's more consistent, I believe. However, if this is the injury-prone Lackey we've seen in the last couple of years, it may be as questionable of a signing as Daisuke Matsuzaka's deal. Were I the Red Sox front office, I might not have paid as much, but then again, that's why they work there and I don't. I did like the original offer by the Angels for $72M over 5, which is why I believe the $82.5 is a bit high.

Finally, a revelation. In need of a good overeating binge, your author headed to CiCi's Pizza (the best pizza value anywhere, so sayeth the radio jingle) and was stunned, nay floored, to see that, of all places, they had the audacity to claim they were one of the top 5 healthiest places to eat. Surely, they could not be so bold to claim that $5.99 all-you-can-eat anything is even remotely healthy. Turns out, they weren't kidding. As long as you check your willpower at the door, apparently CiCi's actually is pretty good for you. Your author isn't quite sure how powerful the Pizza Buffet lobby is, nor is he sure of how prone the Eat This, Not That guide is to corruption (probably not very much, I'd suspect--those guys do good work), but is nevertheless apologetic and still somewhat taken aback by the healthiness of the place. This would also explain why the crust tastes like cardboard and you are able to inhale those slices; it's got nothing relatively fattening in it.

Thanks for a great inital few months, folks. We look forward to bringing you more content about sports, food, and sports-food. From the looks of it also, you seem to enjoy Stan Van Gundy's take on the NBA. We'll talk to him and see if he can supply some more reports, but you guys know Stan. The man wants what he wants and if he isn't up to more reports, then I guess you (and I) are stuck with a 1991 Toyota Tercel.

Your NBA Status Report Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales for 12-11-09

This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's a clip. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Hello again, folks. It's your old pal, Stan, back with a wildly popular offer to make you a deal on an auto-mo-bile, along with a brief comment about the NBA. It's been a little while since I have been able to talk shop (both auto and basketball) with you, and so I'm making today extra special with a deal you won't be able to refuse. What's that, you say? You already have a fine auto? Well, let me assure you that you'll have another fine auto in a matter of minutes!

Here it is: I'll sell you a 1971 (vintage!) Ford Pinto for a mere $500. Wow, what a deal! This might raise some suspicions for you older folks, so I'm not talkin' to you. But, KIDS! A car for $500! You can use it to cruise, to go buy booze, and take a snooze (just don't drink and drive because when you do we all LOSE!). Why today's discussion of the Pinto? Well, one of the Pinto's "unique features" is the gas-tank placement, which is just a flaw that might surface after a simple rear-ending turned explosion. No big deal. So, today's article features a couple of teams who have engines that are decent enough (the players), but have the gas tanks (coaches) in bad spots.

Portland Trail Blazers - This team is returning a ton of talent, and there's really nothing wrong with Coach McMillan, per se. I think the guy's team is just snake-bitten. Greg Oden goes down again! Maybe he should have stuck to dentistry. It's too early to give up on 'em, though. Losing Oden ought to allow Portland to gun a little more and they've got a fine PG in Andre Miller who isn't afraid to dish and Brandon Roy, a guy ready to take over games. They aren't "Found On Road Dead" yet!

Denver Nuggets - "STAN! YOU JACKASS! Are you paying attention to what you're saying? You just picked the top two teams from the same division!" I know, I know, but listen, folks. The Nuggets are too talented to drop the games they have. George is a good coach; he gets a lot of mileage with his tough discipline standards. He's also got one of the best engines (Melo), an efficient fuel-distribution system (Billups), tough steel exterior (Nene), and a bit of turbocharge (J.R. Smith). In other words, everything you've come to expect from Ford that is present in the Pinto! See what I'm sayin?

Unfortunately, Karl and I operate the same way; we tell it like it is. Your pal Stan wouldn't sell ya a bum car, right? Well, George may be simply adding premium fuel when it isn't needed. Teams usually chafe under Karl's administrations because it's all-go, all the time, just like you when you turn on the Pinto and hit the open road. Showmanship, baby. Flash. PIZAZZ. It looks like a cramped Plymouth Duster and is a hell of a lot more affordable. So, if it looks like one, it's gotta act like one, right? This is my way of sayin' to George: ease up a bit. Don't grind that clutch all the way up just yet, my man.

Chicago Bulls - Chicago's got a lot going for it: easy division outside of the big dog, huge talent on paper, and a Luke Wilson like coach. But, man, does this tank explode when a little bit of pressure is applied. Mr. Of The Black, when questioned about his coaching decisions from the flies in the media, responded like a teenaged girl. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME! NOBODY 'GETS' ME." and all that hoo-ha. Vinny, baby! Gotta keep it composed! Do you think Ford execs shriveled up when they decided that it was cheaper to settle with decedents instead of fixing the Pintos? No way. They showed a lot of moxie. You got a lot of goodwill last year for having one of the most memorable first round playoff series ever, if not the most memorable. Don't cash in your union-concession and Model T era past goodwill just yet! This team responds to you--withstand a few bumps and persevere, not explode.

Los Angeles Clippers - These jokers are the reason for the column. Sure, Blake Griffin's knee got hurt--very unfortunate. Every car's got its problems, though. But, boy, if there isn't another team in the land whose tanks consistently run on E because of boneheaded coaching decisions this side of Zeke Thomas. They've got some talent, believe it or else. Camby's a warrior who shows up to play, when he doesn't have a terminal hangnail. Eric Gordon might have the sweetest stroke since a young Ray Allen.

It seems like the sheen of that magical 2005 playoff run for the Clip Joint is completely gone. It's not easy to shake a reputation. Once the Pinto got tabbed as "potentially explosive", an ambiguous term AT BEST, it just wasn't the same and Ford had to pull it. Listen, boys, you're driving a stallion at speeds in excess of 60 mph. You're already takin' some risk. It just makes every day a little more enjoyable when you make it through!

That's all for today, folks. Here at SVGs, it's a Chrysler Christmas, where we're slashing prices on all our inventory but ESPEICALLY Chryslers! None of the proceeds from sales will go to any sort of charitable organization but there will be some on hand if you want to pass our savings onto them! Remember, at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. If you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAYYY too much.

Because it's the South... that's why.

by Slate Quicksilver

As some of you may already know, Alabama won the SEC championship game over Florida by a grandiose margin. Some of us, unfortunately, made bets. Yours truly bet a friend a coke and during Christmas break will make good on it. But that is a less than strong bet.

Others, had to sing a humiliating song. Orson Swindle at the wonderful site, everydayshouldbesaturday.com, had to sing "Rocky Top," the earwig song that most make Tennessee fans get harder than Chinese algebra when hear it. That was a far manlier bet and a handshake is order for Mr. Swindle for having the balls and constitution to go through with it.

But a lesser known bet was made. Governor Bob Riley of Alabama bet Charlie Crist, governor of Florida that Alabama would win. The bet? A crate of oranges to Mr. Riley if Alabama won or a rubs from the famous Dreamland Barbecue in Tuscaloosa if the Gators won.

Bets like these are common. Governors, mayors, representatives, etc... they all do this. Congresswoman Corrine Brown, of "Go Gata" fame did this with Maxine Waters (of California) over the NBA finals which were the Magic and Lakers. Oddly enough, she is from Jacksonville, not Orlando. Watching this video it's pretty obvious she knew nothing about the Magic whereas Ms. Waters certainly knew about her Lakers. But for Corrinne Brown, not knowing anything about anything is par for the course. Go watch the "Go Gata" video and you will see with in 30 seconds what I speak of.

Back to the Alabama-Florida governor bet. It turns out that Mr. Riley is in some hot water for the wager. Governor Riley, as it turns out, is spearheading a push to eliminate electronic bingo halls around the State of Alabama. Gambling advocates and Bible thumping anti-gamblers alike were up in arms. So, collecting his winnings would see him as a hypocrite.

Thus he did not collect his winnings even though last year he owned up to the bet... which saw him sending the aforementioned ribs to Gov. Crist. That's not hypocritical, right?

Neither was Mr. Riley taking 13 million dollars from Mississippi Choctaw Casinos during his gubernatorial race in 2006. That's not hypocritical at all!

What? We can't pretend to be real reporters sometimes?

Enter the Stupidity Dome

by Slate Quicksilver

Mastering the art of geography is just of my special skills. Being able to take an aerogyro from Siam to Bombay in order to take a steamer to Zanzibar to see the locals perform a regional celebration of the coming of the monsoon was the true reason for doing so, but the golden age of travel is over. No longer can I wear a smoking jacket and give an open palmed smack on the rump of a well endowed hostess in business class. Those days were magic. We can't even call them hostesses anymore, just "attendants."

As a result, I had to find other uses for the oldest subject in the books. In doing so, I have found a spatial-temporal consistency (scary way of saying: "pattern") in the completely stupidity going on in a 100 mile radius centered in south-central Michigan.

Enjoy.

Gold = Notre Dame
Dark Blue = Michigan
Green = Michigan State
Red = Central Michigan
Blue = Grand Valley State (D2)

What do those five schools have in common? A great deal. Watch and learn.

Notre Dame, in case you didn't know this, is looking for a head coach. Who are they looking for? Well the short list looked like Jim Harbaugh (Stanford), Brian Kelly (Cincinnati), Randy Edsall (Connecticut) and maybe... but probably not... Tommy Tuberville (ESPNU). Most sources indicate that it will be Brian Kelly. Kelly has a large contract waiting for him in South Bend as well as a formerly amazing coaching gig. It sounds like the decision is his.

But let's look a little deeper. Brian Kelly is at Cincinnati. He took over their in 2006 after Mark Dantonio left the Bearcats for Michigan State due to the vacancy left by the completely terrible John L. Smith regime. Smith was once quoted as saying: "There is no way a coach can ever (know everything about) their team. The coach who knows more about what's going on usually wins a game (but not always)." Dantonio proceeded to sort of, almost, kinda maybe turn the Spartans around. At least now they make bowl games. Brian Kelly left Central Michigan to go to Cincinnati. While there, Kelly turned CMU from a perennial doormat in the MAC to a MAC powerhouse and recruited Dan Lefevour who is a pretty legit QB.

Stupid thing number #1: Michigan State didn't take Brian Kelly in 2006. MSU is better, there is no questioning that. They have made a bowl game every year with Dantonio at the helm including this year which was heart-stompingly miserable. But Brian Kelly has seen far more success with a BCS bowl win and a second birth this year. Kelly is using Dantonio's recruits as well as his own studs (Mardy Gilyard among others...) whereas Dantonio has been getting crushed in recruiting by his instate rival and the other Big Ten schools and hasn't shaken the "Oh-No Sparty game" curse that has been there since the mid 90s.

Moving forward we look at Michigan. The rumblings calling for Lloyd Carr's head began in 2006, the same year Brian Kelly and Mark Dantonio were available. Those two like playing the ball control offense that the Michigan fan base loves. Instead they held on for one more year and faced the embarrassment of losing to Appalachian State. Now Rich Rodriguez is there running his wacky spread offense rather unsuccessfully. When hiring Rodriguez, Michigan did look at Kelly. They also looked at Jim Harbaugh, who played at Michigan.

Stupid thing #2: Michigan snubs Jim Harbaugh and Brian Kelly. Now they are locked in with a guy who smashed all of their proud traditions and brought in an NCAA investigation. Oh, and he is 8-16 in his tenure there. 8 wins and 16 losses. This goes on while Jim Harbaugh has reinvigorated Stanford and Brian Kelly made Cincy an actual legit team and the only powerhouse in the Big East.

Here's where it gets even stupider.

Stupid thing #3: MSU doesn't jump on Kelly before anyone else. Michigan State (and to a lesser extent, Michigan) had an opportunity to take Brian Kelly even before he went to Central Michigan, when he was about to Grand Valley State, a Division 3 school in Grand Rapids, Michigan. In his 13 years at GVSU, Kelly was 118-35-2. In 2002, Kelly won GVSU its first D2 national championship. MSU could have extended an invitation... but no. They took John L. Smith in so that he could completely wipe that program off the map for a few years. What did Kelly do in 2003? He won a second championship. That's when he went to Central Michigan who was 1-11 the year before they hired him.

CMU was disgusting before Mr. Kelly took over. His first year wasn't too solid. 4-7 is hardly a good record, but when you were 1-11, that's a solid job. Next year they were 6-5 and in 2005 they went 9-4, won the MAC championship and Cincinnati jumped out of its shoes to get him. He didn't even coach their upcoming bowl game.

Now to the present time. Cincinnati has won its second outright Big East crown in a row and will go on to play Florida in the Sugar Bowl. Cincy is no longer an "also-ran" thanks to him. Notre Dame is about to fly a helicopter over the Kelly household dropping money until he finally submits and goes there to coach. How much? At least a doubling from 1.5 million to 3 million, but ND appears to really have it in for him, so we could see a pocketbook buster of a paycheck coming his way. Funny... why?

Stupid thing #4: Notre Dame in 2003 was getting sick of Ty Willingham. They only reached the Gator Bowl that year. Who was reaching his first apex at that time? The guy they are about to pay enough money that only a forklift will be able to carry his check: Brian Kelly.

So let's finish by talking about how each team is doing:

Notre Dame: Crashing and burning. They have gone from powerhouse to irrelevant in only one decade. They are about to pay an exorbitant amount of money to a guy they had a shot at years ago. However do not weep for them. Instead laugh and point. It's far more fun.

Michigan: Apocalypse. They went from a guaranteed 9 wins a year to finishing last in the BigTen. Clearly this was Icarus flying too close to the sun, and the coach they have now is already chasing off headhunters despite the fact that they could have had any number of other coaches who could have held the tradition strong.

Michigan State: Good, not great. Despite their recent problem with going to dorms and randomly fighting people MSU is not as bad as they were under John L. Smith. However, like Michigan and Notre Dame, they hired the wrong guy. This author argues that they are in the right direction, but going from 9 to 6 wins doesn't back that up... however 2 years is not a good sample size.

Central Michigan: Excellent. Like most small conference teams, turnover can be volatile and painful. But right now, CMU is the cream of the MAC crop and if not for the fact they are stuck going to the crappy GMAC bowl, they would have a chance to play a legit team. In fact, they are #25 in the AP poll. Good for them.

Grand Valley State: Ridiculously good. As mentioned before, Brian Kelly turned this team in to a dominant force. And it keeps on rolling. On December the 12th, GVSU will play for the D3 championship. Don't laugh. D3 is probably the hardest of all because you can't give out as many scholarships and the quality of your athlete is not exactly what it would be in the upper divisions. This is not meant to be elitist and in fact is praise. For a team to stay as strong as it has been (for the last nearly 20 years...) with these limitations, obviously something must be right.

So what's the lesson? In the stupidity dome, the bigger your program, the worse off you are!

Notre Dame is in ditch covered in gasoline and on fire. Michigan is currently having involuntary surgery but will probably survive. Michigan State has at least plugged most of the holes in the dyke but has several more to go. Central Michigan is reaping the benefits of being a small conference power. Grand Valley State is an ass kicking juggernaut and has been so for the last 20 years and the only reason you've never heard of them is because they play D3 football in Michigan.

Power Ranking the Terrible Bowls

by Slate Quicksilver

By now, you probably know what bowl game your team is going to. Unless, that is, you are a fan of Michigan, Notre Dame or a team who had less than six whole wins this season. We have plenty of time to break down the games and talk about the teams and wish pain and pestilence on our rivals, so instead we will power rank the bowls themselves. And not just the good bowls, the bad ones.

Note that we do this knowing that sponsorship on this site will probably never come.

#10: MAACO Las Vegas Bowl
Car care is important. We all know that, and so does college football. We also have the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the GMAC bowl (the financial arm of General Motors) and the Roady's Humanitarian Bowl (more on that later). MAACO primarily focuses on body work and paint jobs. This means they are free to rob you blind as you go in for, perhaps a fender alignment, and you leave with a $4,000 bill. This means MAACO has a great deal of liquid capital with which to blast you with commercial after commercial featuring cars being fixed by "helpful mechanics." "Helpful" meaning "terrible human being who would sell you into slavery if it meant an extra $60 commission."

#9: International Bowl
Nothing says "the pageantry of college football" like playing a game in front a quarter-filled stadium equipped for a bastardized version of the sport being played in city and country filled with an ambivalent populace who has no clue whatsoever that the game is being played within their city limits.

#8: Konica Minolta Gator Bowl
Japanese manufacturer Konica Minolta approves of Mark Mangino's efforts and management methods at Kansas. The Japanese workplace is far different than the blandness of the American workplace where every minor flaw and mistake is magnified and analyzed by a bored and listless staff. In Japan, slapping a worker for a lack of success is not completely off. Neither is getting completely bombed at a bar during a holiday party and singing racist songs. Yet, why did Konica Minolta decide to island hop its way all the way to Jacksonville for the "famed" Gator Bowl?

#7: Papajohns.com Bowl
It's one thing to be a bowl named after national pizza delivery chain. But this one is named after the website for said chain. Even funnier, it's not "new" to be able to order pizza online. Clearly, this bowl (in wonderful Birmingham, Alabama) is stuck in 2002. Then again, some parts of Alabama still don't have the internet... so it can be inferred that this is a regional pull.

#6: Champs Sports Bowl
Not only is this bowl named after a sports apparel outlet, but its not even the primary breadwinner of the corporation. That would be Foot Locker. In fact, it's actually F.W. Woolworth of Woolworth's fame. And even amongst that, against other apparel stores, they are #3 behind Sports Authority and Dick's.

#5: Gaylord Hotels Music City
Terrible Name. Terrible terrible name. Though, hands down they have the best hotels in America.

#4: New Mexico Bowl
A bowl. On December 19th. In Albuquerque, New Mexico. Did anyone who was associated with this bowl understand how bad of an idea that is? Seriously. The amount of money made on that bowl probably does not even eclipse the money you have to pay for the lights in the stadium.

#3: Little Caesar's Bowl
This bowl is wrong on several levels. First off, it is in Detroit on the day after Christmas. How and why did someone come up with that idea. Not only that, the MAC runner up and a C-USA team play in it. So right off the bat, no one will go. Worse still, the Little Caesar Bowl? It is true that Michigan is the last bastion for the once amazing cheap pizza guys ($5 for a large!?!?), but my God, they could have come up with 95 other sponsors before this one.

#2: San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Of all the regional sponsors, this is as regional as it gets. In fact, this isn't even regional, this is city level. Funnier still, they show commercials for it... nationwide. "See our branch across the street from In and Out Burger on Main."

#1: Roady's Humanitarian
This is, by far, the worst sponsor of all. Roady's Truck Stops. Trucker stops, lovely. While the Fiesta Bowl invokes ideas of a party and fun, this one inspires getting an STD on brown stained toilet seat and shaking off a propositioned sex act by a transvestite in Helena, Montana. I think there comes a time where you might as well not have a sponsor because after a while the sponsor is just this bad and holds a negative connotation. This is an example of when that time has come. Even worse is that the bowl in Boise, Idaho. Feel bad for the sad souls who have to call this game on December 30th in the frozen apocalypse in the Rockies.

Final Word for College Football for the Regular Season

by Slate Quicksilver

Painful week for some (yours truly included), elation for others.

(2) Alabama showed up for a football game in the SEC championship game while (1) Florida showed up for Georgia Tech's basketball game about 5 miles north. As a result, Alabama's offense went bananas. Florida's offense wasn't terrible, but a backbreaker of an interception sealed the deal. Down 18, Tim Tebow tried throwing the ball through Javier Arenas rather than slightly over his head to a wide open Aaron Hernandez in the endzone. Sadly for Tebow and luckily for Alabama, Arenas' body is made of what physicists know as "solid matter" of a denser material than a pigskin football. That left the game at 18 points and Alabama owned the clock for the rest of the game. It can't be said enough how bad that INT was. UF forced a 3 and out immediately after that INT and then drove down to the redzone in 90 seconds. They lost it on 4th and short, but consider that UF was 20 yards from being down 5 with 7 minutes left.

But that is an irrational fan's view. Though several other sources have pointed out the same plausible scenario, there is no proof that their defense could have stopped Mark Ingram in the last minutes in a close game seeing as hwo they couldn't do it even in garbage time.

Alabama goes to the national championship game and Florida likely goes to the Sugar Bowl. Florida has no reason to cry (a 22 game winning streak with a national championship is nothing to be uncontent with) and Alabama has a great deal to be proud of (great game plan with excellent execution).

(3) Texas dodged an assassin's bullet marked "(22) Nebraska." A last second field goal after an official's review of the time was the difference. However this may be a Pyrrhic victory as Nebraska quite literally drew up the recipe on how to shut down Texas. Alabama needs just to watch the tapes, pay minimal attention and repeat what they saw. Colt McCoy was confused all night by a shifting defense, so we'll have to see what Alabama's thunderous defense does to repeat Nebraska's tune.

In what turned out to be a great game, (5) Cincinnati needed a last minute touchdown to defeat an upset hungry Wannstache-led (15) Pittsburgh team. Pitt had a go-ahead TD with about 90 seconds left but MISSED THE EXTRA POINT. Ouchies. Cincy, likely, will play in the Orange Bowl against Georgia Tech.

(6) Boise State is undefeated, again, after destroying New Mexico State. If anyone will be getting screwed this year, it would be Boise State. Fiesta Bowl or Poinsettia Bowl... tough fall if its not the Fiesta Bowl.

(7) Oregon won the Pac10 after beating Oregon State in the Civil War. It was an excellent game, but Oregon's offense was amazing in the second half. They went TD, TD, FG and run out the clock in order to kill off Oregon State. Most impressive.

The Rest of the Top 25:

(10) Georgia Tech beat The Clemson CJ Spillers 39-34 in Tampa in the ACC championship game. CJ Spiller went bonkers with 4 TDs, but GT's offense was one step ahead of the Spillers and will probably play Cincinnati in the Orange Bowl.

Arizona went to the Coliseum and beat (18) USC... LOLZORZ! USC is now no longer ranked. This season, for the Men of Troy, will probably be forgotten and stripped from the history books and blamed on poor QB play from their frosh QB Matt Barkley. Yet, stats and logic point to the pathetic defense. Either way, they fall to 6th in Pac10 while Arizona is tied for 2nd with 3 other teams. Well done, chaps.

Washington smashed (19) California. Washington was perplexing this year. They beat USC early, but lost to a few bad teams. However, no one can disagree that they aren't going in the right direction and kudos to Steve Sarkisian for doing it so quickly.

East Carolina nipped (22) Houston despite Case Keenum hitting the multi-ball jackpot ramp 3 times to get 500+ passing yards. If you look at Keenum's numbers this year, make sure you are wearing protective lens as your eyes may pop out of your head. 43 TDs/9 INTs and 5449 yards passing with a bowl game to come. East Carolina was touch of a disappointment, but still went 9-4 with a bowl game to come. A subtle and quiet 9-4, but Skip Holtz to Notre Dame... anyone? Just a thought.

(23) West Virginia outlasted Rutgers in a mostly pointless game. West Virginia and Rutgers are two teams that could jump to Big East prominence if Brian Kelly does leave Cincy and that program goes back to meh-ness.

The Rest of What Matters:
The MAC Championship was on Friday (did you know that?) and Central Michigan won and they are now ranked... good for them. Montana, yes the D2 school, obliterated SF Austin 51-0, yes the D2 school, to continue their dominance this season (no seriously go look at their schedule/results) and upped their case for joining the Mountain West or WAC. In the only Sun Belt coverage you'll get all year, FAU beat FIU in the Shula Bowl. A late FG gave UConn a win over USF in the cold. And finally, WisCANsin smashed Hawai'i in the warm climes of Honolulu.

Be ready for our bowl picks and final final word for the season in a few weeks. Good Night, America!

Your Weekend CFB Picks for 12/5

Championship Week is here. This means crushed dreams, merciless taunting and violent thoughts will carry the weekend. It's almost sad how the season is nearing its endgame, but remember that we have an entire offseason to misconstrue rumors and make fun of each other's programs for arrests.

#5 Cincinnati @ #14 Pitt (Big East de facto championship game)

Red:

No one cares about Big East football. The reason they don’t have a championship game? Because no one would show up to watch it. Simply put I don’t care and neither do you.

Prediction: Bearcats beat Panthers in battle of the Big Least.

Iroquois:
I've been one of the Wannstache's biggest supporters this year, but I am not going to deny Cincy. For that matter, why is it automatically assumed TCU will remain ahead of Cincy? They both have beaten an equal amount of ranked teams, with Cincy getting the last shot at beating another. Further, for as much fun as the national media makes of the Big East, they are still an automatic BCS bid conference. I find it hard to believe that the computers won't find a way to get the automatic conference in there over the MWC.

Additionally, I think Cincy has the more impressive overall resume, having lost a Heisman-caliber QB without missing a beat.

Cincy over Wannstache.

Slate:
Iroquois brings up a good point that Cincy didn't skip a beat after losing Tony Pike to whatever nasty injury he had. Cincinnati, in several other years, would certainly deserve a national championship berth but won't get one with this year's overcrowded bunch at the top.

The problem is that they are playing Pitt, meaning they have the Wannstache on tap. A few years ago the Wannstache clipped West Virginia which turned the BCS on its head, and who is to say it won't happen again? The Big East is almost back to prominence... who could screw it up? This guy. Like Golem jumping off the rock and into the lava just to carry his precious just one more time, Dave Wannstedt could steal this game and wreck Cincinnati's pristine season and ruin the Big East's claim to being a legit conference again. If anyone could do that... win a game that they should not for the better of their conference... it is this guy.

Wannstache over Cincy (/slowly rubs his eyes and takes in the gravity of what hge just said)

#12 Georgia Tech - #25 Clemson (ACC Championship)

Red:

ACC football, somewhat more respectable in a hey whatever happened to that conference sense. Considering both of these teams lost to mid level SEC teams last week how can we even call this a Championship? Maybe a losership?

Prediction: C.J. Spiller has ten thousand all purpose yards, Georgia Tech wins by 3.

Iroquois:
Whose superior running game is more superiorer? That will determine the runner up game from SEC-ACC rivalry weekend. I don't think the Sons of Clem have the consistent QB play to distinguish themselves over the Ramblin' Wreck.

GT over Climpson.

Slate:
Two things of note about GT's triple option: 1.) It destroys most teams... 2.) Teams that have stopped it were so hopped on rage and penned up anger that when they finally hit the field they would have fully kicked a kitten in the mouth if it were needed to stop that offense (Miami and Georgia got eviscerated by the Jackets last year and this year beat them).

Clemson has not had a full year to digest their blown win in Hotlanta, but you know they will be PISSED OFF, after Josh Nesbitt resurrected his team from the grave to steal a win from Dabo and the Tigers. Will they channel their inner beast mode and stop the Ramblin' Wreck? I say yes.

Clemson over GT

#3 Texas - #22 Nebraska (Big XII championship)

Red:
As much as I would enjoy a great game between two powerhouse teams there is one problem. Only one powerhouse team has decided to show up. Nebraska might be able to hang around for the first quarter or maybe first half but aside from Ndamuka-longa-ding-dong Suh they simply don’t have the players to make this an interesting game. Prediction: Texas is playing its walk-ons early in the fourth quarter. (do you even bring walk-ons to the championship game?)

Iroquois:
I don't really have a lot to say about the game, but I would like to point out that Mike Judge of King of the Hill fame (and one of my favorite TV shows) played Nostradamus and called this title matchup two years ago, down to the point of Texas going to the Rose Bowl if they win. Yes, I realize they aren't going to the Rose Bowl proper but they are going to the Rose Bowl the stadium. Incidentally, Nebraska wins that game on Texas's quick kick gaffe.

I wish I could agree with Mr. Judge (and I so desperately want to), but I don't think Texas will let that happen. Too much is at stake. I will say this, though. Expect Bo Pelini to give Texas all they want defensively. Nebraska has a shot at the game if they can spring a few turnovers.

Texas over Nebrasky? (Damn it, Dale. These tickets are fake!)

Slate:
The Black Shirts are back, or so that what we are told, and that means Nebraska's defense is back to its head chopping ways. Just in time, too, as the Longhorns' wheelin' and dealin' offense rolls into Jerry Jones' Stadium/World Wonder/Pleasure Dome/Billion Dollar locale which is not up to current football standards. Personally, I think Mack Brown will keep Texas and their team's eyes on the prize and although it won't be a blowout, they will win and go to the NC game in Pasadena where we will hear for the next month nothing but: "The last time Texas came here Vince Young..."

Texas over Nebraska

#1 Florida - #2 Alabama (SEC championship game)

Red:

Benjamin Franklin once said the beer is proof that god loves us. Well, this game is proof that the football gods love us. I simply don’t know what is going to happen in this game, but I do know that the team that wins the line will win this game. That is why the loss of Carlos Dunlap is so staggering for the Gators. While the Gators might have some depth at his position they simply do not have an athlete like Carlos sitting on the two deep to plug in. If the Gators can stop the run then they win this game, if they don’t then it might be embarrassing for the boys of ole Florida.

Prediction: Gators by 3. Mount Cody has a heart attack after the gators run sweep after sweep with their speedy backs.

Iroquois:

This game is being dissected to death in the media. This game does seem to be more monumental than last year, especially given Tebow's pending departure from the ranks of college football. I feel Florida's peaking at exactly the right time with a couple of tune up games (FI/SU) before the big game and it seems like the offense is finally peaking. Expect this to be an epic battle to the bitter end, much like last year.

P.S. Bama fans, we won last year without Percy Harvin. You can't say that Bama will win because UF doesn't have Harvin this year. That's silly.

Florida over Alabama.

Slate:
Business time, people. No time for jokes or any of that noise, we're all business here.

Mark Ingram has a hip pointer and that limits power back like himself in terms of the contact that they can deliver/take. Carlos Dunlap showed that no matter how much of a competitor you may be, you can still be a raving moron... so he will sit in time out during the game.

The game will come down to two elements: Tebow vs. the Alabama defense/Greg McElroy versus himself. Tebow will need to remember not to run on EVERY PLAY WHERE THE POCKET COLLAPSES and he will do fine. The Gator run game is faster than any Alabama has all year. McElroy, on the other hand, will be fighting a tough secondary, and angry LB corps and a defensive line that plugs in any number of depth to replace Dunlap. Epic game, hopefully my team comes out alive.

Florida over 'Bama

P.S. Ditto on what Iroquois said. Seriously... Harvin was not the panacea for last year's game.

Doomsday Scenario

by Slate Quicksilver

A few years back my parents took me and Brother Quicksilver on a cruise to Alaska. It was a grand old time. I went to a whore house, Quicksilver Sr. had a bout of Cabin Fever, the sun did not set in Anchorage and we took a bus that took us over the border into Canada without any forms or passports or anything. Three of those things are true. Memories of a lifetime were created of Glacier Bay (see it now before it melts!), Bald Eagles soaring over our cruise ship (no, they do not poop gold nuggets as some Americans proclaim) and a crazy guy walking down the street in downtown Anchorage yelling "WOOOOO" and saying that the earth would end shortly. My parents swiftly had us cross the street lest we be "WOO"ed at.

The point of that heartwarming reflection of a family vacation was the "earth ending" part. We have six undefeated teams right now, one of which will lose (UF/'Bama), two of which are done at 12-0 (TCU and Boise State) and the other three could lose (Cincy, Texas and UF/'Bama).

Thus I will do my best Glenn Beck's Super Crazy Insanity Hour impression. Enjoy/Burn me in effigy.

Is this the breaking point for the BCS? The world hopes so. I hope so. Yet, like the biggest logs of poop in a toilet, incompetence always seems to float to the top (example: all the BCS conference commishes and the university presidents).

Boise State and TCU are locked into undefeated-ness. One will almost certainly go to a BCS game and the other has a solid chance barring a screw job of epic proportions. Cincy needs to survive a Wannstache-led Pittsburgh ambush, Florida and Alabama's game will produce an undefeated team and Texas will most likely steamroll Nebraska in a clean and efficient manner.

Let's pretend that Texas, UF and Cincy win their game. Texas and UF go to the NC game, Cincy gets screwed and goes to the Orange or Sugar Bowl, TCU plays the loser of UF/Bama and Boise State plays somebody somewhere at some time. No matter what, 3 teams get screwed. 3 teams over 3 conferences.

Why do conferences matter? Well, folks, I'll tell you. Last year, Utah went undefeated. They crushed Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. Yet those plucky guys from the Beehive State didn't win a championship since Florida played in an "IMAGINARY" championship. Yes, Florida. The same team with one loss. "But wait, Slate! Hold on a second their partner! Florida was the best team in the country last year," you may be saying. Well, friend, I say to you this, Florida is in the southeastern conference. The SEC. And what does SEC rhyme with!? Conspiracy! SEC... Conspiracy! How does the general public not see it!?

Folks, it didn't matter last year that Utah was undefeated. They are from the Mountain West conference. A flyover state, if you will. But Florida... Alabama... they are going to the National Championship game. One of them, that is. Texas? They are going. And if they lose to Nebraska, who cares!? Cincinnati will slide in to the game, leaving the small conference teams out in the cold with Trent Lott.

Is that fair? No. Last time I checked, this is America. We always let the little guy in. Ever see the movie "Rudy"? That little guy was a hard working American, just like TCU and Boise State and that story was based on a true story! Imagine if Notre Dame, with all their power and glory didn't let little Rudy on the field against Georgia Tech at the end of the movie. Would they have won? NO!!!!

Look, the point of all of this is that there is something fishy here. And you know what, Fish smell. Smell... a synonym for smell is aroma. And what does aroma sound like? OBAMA! Of course! AROMA - OBAMA - FISHY ACTIVITIES - SEC - CONSPIRACIES! DON'T YOU SEE IT!?!?

It's bad enough that we are going to get OBAMACARE shoved down our throat where tainted flu shots will be mandatory. Tainted, Slate? Yes! Abortion chips and truth serum will be placed into your flu shots which will turn you into a pro-SEC hack and there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! Why? Because Obama and his Patriot Act is gonna force you. That's why.

Escape is impossible. TCU and Boise State are already afflicted. Look at them. Boise State's Colors are ORANGE and BLUE... THE SAME AS FLORIDA'S! THEY PLAY ON A BLUE TURF! Give me a second to feign indignation and pretend to collect my thoughts.

Look, friends. We're in trouble here. The end is near. Stay tuned to find out how to survive the upcoming Thunderdome.

Apologies

Sorry, friends. Traveling, final exams and a litany of other things have gotten in the way of this fine site. Luckily, nothing has really happened in the last few days. Ok, maybe some things have happened and our absence is regrettable.

We will pump out an entry or two later today. We'll have our world famous picks (we're huge in Azerbaijan) on Friday and we will return the Final Word section that so many people seem to tolerate. Next week, things will be back to normal.

Again, we had no idea how badly our schedules would get wrecked, and we are sorry for not posting anything since Monday.

Until later, WE LOVE YOU BAKU!

Regards,
PLS Staff

Communique from Undisclosed Location

**THIS MESSAGE WAS PASSED FROM 7 DIFFERENT AGENTS WHO ARE PART OF A NETWORK OF FOCUSED INDIVIDUALS LOOKING TO FREE THE NATION OF KZERBACKISTAN FROM THE TYRANNICAL RULE OF NICKOLAI TSHACHIVILLI. ONLY FOUR OF THOSE MEN WILL RETURN HOME.**

Greetings friends. Slate, here. I'm Broadcasting this dictated message to you from an underground bunker. (STOP) Our attempts at retaking the capital hit a bump when our inside man "Rolando" was outed by a one legged midget named "Viktor" and we are looking to recoup our lost time and production in order to get back on track. (STOP) Kzerbackistan will be a free nation again... perhaps by Wednesday. If you haven't heard about it, I do not blame you for your ignorance, I blame your media outlets. (STOP)

Anyway I would like to thank Annie and Iroquois for floating the site and once this nation is free again, I will return to my post as one of the purveyors of this fine establishment. (STOP)

Thank you for reading this site and we will see you on the flip side. And if you would like to send a cache of AR-15s, appropriate bullets and a martini shaker to 41.34689 North 80.4688101 East, we will reimburse you ASAP and name a street after you in Qaadleqiu. (STOP)

Until Wednesday,
Slate Quicksilver