Reliving the tradition of the old times we now turn to
soccer. What’s that? Soccer is for pussies? Tell that to back bone plate on my right heel
that was separated from the ball of my foot when I was a wee lad (OK, 13). The game is far more physical than anyone who
has never played it at a level higher than “recreational coed city level where
everyone gets trophy” thinks. On the
flip side, if you are correcting me by saying “it’s football (or futbol),”
speak American: God’s language.
International soccer plays well in the US. Go ahead and hate… but even the Women’s World Cup did reasonably
well in the ratings despite not playing at optimal sporting times. It drew an 8.6 rating on ESPN (whatever that
means) versus the following day’s British Open (a 2.6 rating). Haters, keep hating (add deadspin Manchester
derby reax link) and remember how twitter works: if you have a word, even if you hate said
word, in your tweet, you are going to help it trend upward. ESPN is going to broadcast games, during the
summer, during daytime television.
They’re going to do it on ESPN2, too…
MWAHAHA pitiful non-soccer loving sports fans… HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE THE DAY WITHOUT 10
STRAIGHT HOURS OF SPORTSCENTER!? HOW
WILL YOU BE ABLE TO COPE WITHOUT HERM EDWARDS TALKING ABOUT WHY COACHING IS THE
NFL IS HURRRR DURRRRR? SE ARRODILLAN ANTE SUS GOBERNANTES
DEPORTIVOS!
Group
A:
Greece
Ranking: 14
How they
qualified: Qualifying Group F Winner
All things considered, Greece played very well in
qualifying. They only surrendered 5
goals in 10 qualifying games and didn’t lose once. But just like most things in Greece
(/geopolitics slam), they were basically handed everything. Greece played, by far, the easiest qualifying
group. Other teams in Group F: Latvia, Georgia and Malta. Yes, the dot in the middle of the
Mediterranean kind of near Italy is big enough to have a soccer field (Malta)
and if you thought Georgia was our Georgia, you can show yourself the door
(click the X in the top right of your browser).
Croatia and Israel also were in the group, but basically speaking,
Greece’s job was to undergo cellular respiration and they’d win the group. They did and here we are.
American Sports
Team They Are Most Like: Chicago
White Sox. Embarrassingly bad for
decades in a row, randomly won a championship very unexpectedly (EURO 2004)
followed by mediocrity ever since.
How will they
fare?
The Greeks looked good qualifying, but again, it was a
bad group to judge their real worth.
Other than 2004, the sample size of Greece at the international level is
small and terribly skewed towards a comedic lack of anything resembling
success. In 2004, they stunned everyone
by winning the whole thing… especially by beating Portugal, the host nation, in
the final. This is unlikely to happen,
but then again, look at the group.
Poland is a doormat and you never know which Russia and Czech Republic
will show up. Greece’s range of success
ranges from winning the tournament to falling in to bottomless pit on a team
building exercise. Instead of more
speculation, we'll just show this.
Russia
Ranking: 11
How they
qualified: Qualifying Group B Winner
Russia is the most metal country ever. You think your country is messed up, go look
at Russia’s history. Sure, the French
Revolution changed continental European politics for centuries by tearing down
their own society inverting the structure of power for the common man. But, the October Revolution led to their
country immediately pulling out of a massive war with a 1,500 mile front just
so they go fight themselves in a breathless, and very uncivil, civil war where
the average man had no idea who he was for/against and the winners only emerged
because everyone who could fight was either dead or practically dead. The celebration for winning? 20 years of war on its people followed by 5
years against Germany and a homestretch of 50 years against everyone else in
the world. Is Russia the most metal
country of all time?
Yes. (Some countries remodel old industrial apartments with bulldozers, Russia uses unexplained gas explosions). Anyway, Russia qualified by
subduing Armenia, Slovakia and Macedonia… something they were accustomed to
doing after 45 years of practice.
American Sports
Team They Are Most Like: Cincinnati
Reds. Favorite color is red, scary
powerful in the 70s, disappeared in the mid 90s but is slowly emerging as a
power yet again. Team owners used to
have a lot in common: corrupt, profane,
drunk and completely terrifying to public when
they realize that who is in charge.
How will they
fare?
Like Greece, this could go either way. We don’t know which Russia will show up. Russia has a history of being reasonably good
at soccer, but not explosively good.
They won the 1960 EURO Cup, but that and a ruble will buy you
nothing. Right now they have a strong
defense (gave up 4 goals in qualifying) and some solid strikers who can
score. Roman Pavlyuchenko is
approximately Considering Poland is almost a mortal lock not to do well, it’ll
be a three way between the Russians, Greeks and Czechs. If that’s the case, Russia just needs to not
lose twice and they are probably clear to the next round.
Poland
Ranking (for April
2012): 65
How they qualified: Host Country
Last time Europe came over to Poland’s for a party, it
got a little crazy. Germany came over
before the party was supposed to start while double fisting handles of Jack,
Russia stormed over when it saw that Germany was already there doing kegstands
and whatnot but tripped over Finland for a while before it got there and
England was like “Yo we’re trying sleep over here” so Germany was like “Nah,
bro party is everywhere” and took the party to Holland and Belgium and France
and then Italy was like “Party time!” except Italy was like the nerdy kid who
absolutely didn’t know how to party.
Anyway the party didn’t end America Fuck Yeah’d itself to Africa first
while partying the fuck out of Japan’s neighborhood and then we partied all the
way through Italy, France and brought the party to Germany even though by that
point Germany was passed out with their face in the toilet and Russia was
partying in Germany’s backyard. Like all
great parties, millions were lost in the process. So… party at Poland’s place? Yup.
Poland qualified because it is one of the host countries (along with
Ukraine). If it didn’t get that
courtesy, they would have been torched in the qualifying process.
American Sports
Team They Are Most Like: Sacramento
Kings. Completely irrelevant for years,
no hope making it to the playoffs. Long
tradition of superior state rivals dominating them since inception.
How will they
fare?
Czech Republic
Ranking: 26
How they
qualified: Playoff Winner
If you don’t win your group in EURO Cup qualifying, you
just have to finish in second in your group.
Seeing as how the Czechs were put in the same group as Spain, all they
have to do was beat the other teams and they’d make it to the qualifying
playoffs. Considering all they had to do
was beat Liechtenstein, Scotland and Lithuania, the Czechs cruised to the
playoff round where they flattened Montenegro. It's not entirely shocking that this happened because with a goalie like Petr Cech, you always stand a chance... as long as he has the beach ball with him, of course. BEACH BALL FOR ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER!
American Sports
Team They Are Most Like: The Los
Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Occasional
modest success in the 80s followed by a name change in the 90s which saw a
slight rise in stature. Known to
collapse down the stretch when it matters (gave up a lead and an extra time
golden goal to lose to Germany in the 1996 Euro Final).
How will they
fare?
Truthfully, the Czech Republic is benefiting from being
the easiest group. Like Russia, we’re
not 100% sure what’s going to happen with this team. The Czechs are surprisingly competent at
soccer and have some of the best young players in the world: Vaclav Kadlec is the truth, yo! Following patterns, every other EURO
tournament brings success. 1996: runner-up.
2000: out first round. 2004:
semi-finals. 2008: out first round. Having a probably free victory against Poland
will help, so it’ll depend on Greece and Russia’s fortunes and if you’re a
Czech fan, you’ll be rooting for a scoring draw between them.
Predictions:
Greece 7 Points
Czech
Republic 6 points
Russia 4 points
Poland 0 Points
No comments:
Post a Comment