NCAA Mega Conference Predictions: An Absurdist POV

by Slate Quicksilver

In case you missed it (and how could you if you've watched any more than 3 seconds of ESPN), the Pac10 is looking into absorbing what is effectively the Big12 south. This news came from so far out of the blue that scientists believe it originated in the ultraviolet part of the spectrum (/physics joke). The Pac10 wants Texas, Texas and Texas, but has to "settle" with taking the other Texas schools, minus Baylor (...maybe), Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Colorado. Colorado has been harped upon by the Pac10 for a while, and Texas is the jewel that the Pac10 has their eyes on. But the Texas state legislature, of all people, seem to be forcing Texas's cousins (TTech and TAMU) along with them. Oklahoma comes along, and brings Okie doke State just to appease rivalries' sake. Basically it all boils down to money, money and money and the Big12 might be in trouble. Let's not forget the Big10 is looking to yoink Nebraska, Mizzou and maybe possibly Rutgers. In the end, we could be looking for a merging into mega conferences to the point where the BCS turns into the WWF and we'll see Ohio State and Texas play for the Intercontinental Title in a cage match with a guest referee (Macho Man Randy Savage is attached for the first match).

Looking into the crystal ball, here is approximately what will happen:

Step 1: The Pac10 will absorb Texas, Texas Tech, Texas A&M, Colorado, Oklahoma and OK. State. Now the Pac10 is the Pac16.

Step 2: Not to be outdone, the Big10 decides to scoop up Nebraska, Missouri, Rutgers, Pittsburgh and... bom bom bommmmmmm... Notre Dame. The Big10 becomes the Big15, because they are mathematically challenged.

Step 3: The remaining bits and pieces of the Big12 (Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State and Baylor) all have a heartfelt meeting and decide to go their separate ways. The entire state of Kansas comes out and admits that basketball is really their sport and that they never liked football anyway and their teams will fold. Baylor follows suit, making their track team even better than it traditionally has been. Iowa State folds their football team but no one notices.

Step 4: The Big East, stung by their loss of Rutgers, folds up shop and decides that basketball is really their thing. There will be no more football from any of those schools and then they go and pluck Kansas and Kansas State up from the cold cold wilderness that they were cast out into. Iowa State and Baylor join C-USA.

Step 5: The SEC, sitting calmly the entire time, finally decides to strike back. But its a tactical nuclear strike of strikes. The SEC takes Miami, FSU, USF and Georgia Tech.

Step 6: The ACC, realizing that they just got punked similar to how they punked the Big East in the early part of the decade, tries to make amends with the Big East. The Big East laughs them off.

Step 7: The Mountain West and WAC merge. The BCS commissioners recommend that they join the Canadian Football League stating "it's the only way you'll be able to play for a championship."

Step 8: Congress tells the 3 superconferences to share revenue and let the smaller guys play. The 3 heads of the superconferences reply with: "Congress had made their decision. Now let them enforce it." They then start a political party.

Step 9: After only 2 months of campaigning and leading his team to a 11-2 record, Mack Brown is elected the 45th president of the U.S carrying every state containing a team from one of the 3 superconferences.

Step 10: Civil War

Step 11: After a protracted battle, the superconferences subdue the rebel states and sell them to Canada or Mexico.

Step 12: The NFL is disbanded as per the 29th Amendment to the Constitution. (#28: No excessive endzone celebrations)

Step 13: Using their incredible power and money, the superconferences use their new space program to build a giant space platform with which to destroy their enemies and enforce their laws and peace over their dominion. Only it's not a platform, its a sphere... a star, if you will.

Final Word for College Football Season 140 part deux

by Slate Quicksilver

We already went through the first 3 power conferences in terms of alphabeticalosity, now we move to the next few. However I'd like to make a brief foray into what Iroquois did:

Best Player: Toby Gerhardt. He did amazing things with little to nothing helping him out. He looked like Jay Culter 2006 in the Swamp destroying the Gators defense battling the refs, his own team's terribleness and light resistance put up by the Gators still shaking off the Zooker curse and thinking that coasting at the end of games was not only acceptable but expected. Only Toby Gerhardt did it every week and doesn't appear to be a total asshole.

Best Team: Alabama. No questions here. Best team you didn't hear about this year: Central Connecticut State. They went 9-3 in the Northeastern conference winning it for the first time in this epoch. Congrats to the Blue Devils.

/my birthday is coming up and Mother Quicksilver is an alum and I want a certain awesome gift

Best Foil: Reynolds Wrap Quality Aluminum Foil. Seriously this stuff is awesome and cheap. You can line your cooking pan with this, plop down 5 pounds of frozen fries and then dump 3 cups of every kind of cheese you like on it and it won't rip or rupture when you take it out. Ridiculous.

Most Entertaining non-bowl game: FSU - UF. Watching an old rival fail multiple times over and over again never got old. Same week, LSU/Arkansas. That game was wacky.

Most Entertaining Bowl game: The bowl game the University of Michigan did not go to for the second year in a row.

Best Demise: (tie) Michigan, for the losing and terribleness. USC for the allegations and abandonment.

Let's move on to the rest of the important conferences:

BigTen:
Mixed directions here for this conference. Yes, Ohio State won a BCS game (OMGOMGOMGOMG) and that means that the past few years of total badness, surrending the butt and just general "oops did we really do that"s against good teams is totally 100% completely totally and definitively forgiven. In related news, Japan has forgiven the U.S. for dropping 2 atomic bombs on them and we're totally cool now.

However we must look at the rest of the conference to really get the picture. Michigan is going nowhere fast and although this year was better, the team was supposedly going to be considerably better. Now they are losing their best defensive player. Not good for them. Michigan State took a step back, but we maintain that they lost several games in miserable heart stomping fashion and should be better next year with an actual offense. Illinois is abysmal and the Zooker will probably soon be cut free into the wilderness. Indiana is improving, oddly, and maybe will even go to a bowl game next year.

Penn State will forever under JoePa finish in tied for 2nd or in 3rd in the BigTen. Forever. Northwestern showed spunk this year but will probably stop the immediate moment their coach leaves. Iowa could be good next year with a slew of returning starters, but remember that they are incapable of putting two good seasons together. WisCANsin impressed most, but you can never truly gauge them thanks to the fact that no one cares about them. We also have Minnesota who is an enigma and finally we have Purdue who is terrible yet somehow beat Ohio State.

Pac10:
Let's get the elephant out of the room: USC, you are F'd in the A. It's been real, but it's time for your snooty rich student population to go back to not caring about their team. Washington is showing signs of life while Washington State is, without a doubt, a quadreplegic, deaf, blind and dumb team with no hope for anything. The state of Arizona is very blah, but somehow I think they will survive.

It looks as though USC's fall is everyone else's gain. Stanford is rising from the ashes under their new coach. California is not bad and has a great defense. Oregon is probably set in the Pac10 for years to come and Oregon State will be up there fighting them the whole way. However it must be asked: is the Pac10 going to benefit from USC's fall?

USC's disappearance will help the other teams, but they lose that one powerhouse. It's a tough question, but I vote that the conference goes forward. Oregon, Cal, Stanford and Oregon State will all pick up better recruits and really USC's fall is everyone else's gain.

Except Washington State. They are pathetic.

SEC:
SEC SEC SEC SEC SEC SEC. No, really. The SEC is fine. Florida, regardless of Urban's absence of unknown length, will be fine with a new "more 2006ish" offense, but they won't be wowwing anyone either with a "more 2007ish" defense holding them back. Georgia will be better next year, the question is by how much. Tennessee might be better next year assuming that the team doesn't try to rob a McDonalds all at once on a motor coach. South Carolina is going nowhere and neither is Kentucky. Lastly we have Vandy would returned to Earth after last year's fun and will continue to be Vandy for the next 50 years or so.

In the West, Alabama looks to be in control for next year and only LSU and UF stand to even come close to them next year. LSU is going to improve as long as they take a time-management course. Ole Miss was up and down this year and will continue to do so as long as Count von Giggity is coaching them. Auburn improved more than most thought, but we need another year to digest their team fully. Arkansas also improved, and so did Mississippi State although they only slightly improved. This makes the SEC West scary, powerful and a harsh place live.

So that's it. Yes, the SEC is the best conference and blablabla woofwoofwoof (insert SEC hack talk). We go into the 8 month void scared and with trepidation. Iroquois is going to post Mondays and Wednesdays, I will hit on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Annie and Red may drop in from time to time. We'll go into baseball, soccer, hockey, the olympics... it'' be ever so much fun!

Thank for reading this and we won't disappoint in the offseason!

Final Word for College Football Season 140 Part 1

by Slate Quicksilver

Folks, it's over. Time to put the grill in storage, place the face paint back under the kitchen sink and it's time to begin to wait for 8 months to pass. College football season is over. No more ramblings by Verne Lundquist, no more spittle ejections by Lou Holtz, no more destruction of the TV football format by FOX. Now we get to settle in for a few weeks of over-exposure of recruiting wars, followed by the total over analysis of recruiting classes. Then we'll see the spring games and over hype the fact that some fan bases are more excited than others solely because more of them went to their spring game than their rivals. But after that, we're devoid of any and all college football until July, when NCAA11 comes out so that we can complain about how "they got it wrong" on X team's defense or Y player on Z team is "wayyyyyyy overrated". Finally, in August, we'll get excited when we hear about depth charts being filled and schedules being over-emphasized.

September 4th. That's what we're waiting for. The only truly good news about the off-season is the Fulmer Cup on Everyday Should be Saturday wherein point are awarded to schools for arrests. A genius thing and entertaining. (PLS's preseason pick: Washington State).

So, here we go with the final word for college football, season 140, broken into a conference-by-conference capsule that will require 2 parts:

ACC:
The ACC, of all of the BCS conferences, is at a crossroads... though some may half disagree. On one hand we have seen Georgia Tech surge back to relevance, but also we've seen Florida State fade to black. Virginia Tech, as always, is going to be a favorite. The Hokies, in fact, have been in several top 10s for next year... even though those polls are as much of guess as anything. Elsewhere, Clemson proved to be solid under Dabo Sweeney although we'll see how they do when CJ Spiller bolts. Miami was a warzone-esque field away from a 10 win season and North Carolina is both up and down... up in that their defense is solid, down in that their offense was absent for several games this past season. Virginia, Boston College and Wake Forest both took steps backward, while North Carolina State made an about face and ran full sprint in the wrong direction. Lastly we come to Duke, who won 5 games, which for them is like winning 15 games anywhere else.

All in all, the conference is just kind of floating in the netherworld not going in a stronger or weaker position. We will have to see how Florida State recovers. We will also have to see if the trend of Georgia Tech getting blasted in their bowl game means anything.

BigXII:
In the south, Texas, in this one's opinion, is going to be the strong favorite in the Big12 next year. Oklahoma was certainly down this year, but it would be foolish to think they won't win 10 games next year. Oklahoma State was a disappointment this year in many respects, but 9 wins is hard to complain about. Texas Tech is probably going to enter a tailspin for obvious reasons while Texas A&M surprised many by actually being in a bowl game. Baylor did it's usual Baylor thing, but losing their everything-back in the first game of the season didn't help.

In the north, America as a whole must once again fear a powerful Nebraska team. The state of Kansas looks to have returned back to mediocrity and so has Missouri. Iowa State exceeded everyone's expectations by not going to a bowl game, but also winning it. Colorado is, without a doubt, a hopeless shipwreck of terrible proportions.

A powerful Nebraska team is as scary as even the most terrifying of birds: Cockatoos

Looking forward the BigXII looks to have Texas and Oklahoma do their usual fight for the south while Nebraska has re-acquired a nuclear powered defense and will own the north for quite a while. The BigXII, this past year, was a bit down thanks to losing Oklahoma. A powerful offense with a lack of defense was par for the course and only Texas, with a nasty defense, was the exception. Will we see BigXII defenses get better next year? For their conference's sake, they better hope so. As a result it should always be asked, are the offenses just that good or are the defenses that bad?

Big East:
This conference probably took the farthest leaps forward of any of the BCS conferences. Cincinnati is a power (despite their absence at the Sugar Bowl), Pittsburgh is respectable (yes I know what was just mentioned) and Connecticut and West Virginia are teams that are not to be messed with. South Florida and Rutgers showed life at times, though USF will be moving on at head coach for some reason. Syracuse improved, in a technical sense, but the Greg Paulus experience was not a fun one. Louisville, was vomit inducingly bad, and we wish Charlie Strong an infinite supply of good luck... it may not be enough.

The Big East is OK now, and if they stay OK if beyond anyone's guess. I vote that it will stay for a few years, until the BigTen pilfers Cincy of Pitt away from them.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's finale to this scintillating final word (no we won't be talking about the non-BCS schools).

On last night...

Well folks, it's over. ESPN has already started its over-analysis covering every single play over and over again (that drop by Texas on play #43 was HUGE). Herbstreit has already given out his PRE-pre-preseason top 5 (Bama/Ohio State(ha!)/Oklahoma/Iowa(HAHA!)/Virginia Tech(proof Herbie didn't take this too seriously)). Coaches are being fired (Jim Leavitt from USF), coaches are still fighting being fired (Mike Leach), coaches may or may not be on their paid leave (Urban Meyer OMGHESLEAVINGFORTHENFLGAYTURDSWOOGEAUXTIGERS) and there is even a report of the NFL opening its doors back up for a fallen angel (Pete Carroll).

But let's look at last night's game as it was. A game was about to get out of hand until Texas's backup freshman pants-wetting QB remembered that physics still applied regardless of how good Bama's defense was. That onside kick, frankly, was brilliantly executed and save for that miserable shovel pass and that murderous fumble, Texas made this game an entertaining event. Alabama was almost always one step away from completely shattering the game and at one point was in danger losing it.

The cold black hearts here at PLS feel for Colt McCoy. That really really really sucks for him. He finally had a shot at the national championship and 5 plays in he was done. That was a shame. Interviewing him after the game was terrible journalism, like when Roy Williams was interviewed after losing the national championship game and being asked if he was leaving Kansas. ESPN continued the over-analysis of that by getting Mel Kiper to say that McCoy fell from the second round to the 4th-5th round just because he missed this game. This is more proof that Mel Kiper is now only half draft analysis half talking head devoid of substance. Soon he will be Mark May with better hair.

So congrats to Alabama. Enjoy the target on your back next year.

Why the BCS Game Will Not Stand for "Bama Championship Smackdown"

by Slate Quicksilver

Iroquois did a solid job telling you why Alabama should win the game. I am inclined to agree, as I predict a blasting of Texas into the Stone Age. But allow me to play the devil's advocate and tell you why Texas could win the game.

Reason #1: The Texas Defense

The Longhorns have a defense that is certainly stout. Stout even in normal terms, not just in BigXII terms. BigXII defensive stoutness in 2008 was a synonym for "Jello." This defense doesn't fit that mold (ba-da CHING!) and in fact is pretty damn good. This is thanked largely in part to defensive coordinator Will Muschamp getting a second year with this defense. Although they lost sackmaster Brian Orakpo to the draft, the defense was still fearsome and forced turnover after turnover.

Muschamp getting the D to improve as rapidly as it did is thanks to his intense style of play, intense style of coaching and intense style of everything (full disclosure: only one was not involving Muschamp). He is getting better recruits and better play from the current players and that is a scary thought. The BigXII with actual defenses would be like a nuclear Iran, it is a danger to everyone else in their area. The Texas D will also be helped by the lack of an Alabama offense. All it has become is a series of and passes to Mark Ingram followed by the ever present drag route from Julio Jones and the rare throw deep to X receiver. That's really it.

Oh, and remember that Auburn beat Alabama in 2006 and 2007: the two years Muschamp was the D-Coordinator at Auburn and before that he was Nick Saban's DC at LSU and in the NFL with the Dolphins.

Consider your mind M-F-ing blown.

Reason #2: Texas could totally invade Alabama and win

Notable "historians" and military enthusiasts have always wondered, if all of the states fought each other, who would win? "Always" meaning "since college football started" because let's face it; maybe your rival beat you, but seeing as how they are from Indiana and you are from California, you can always rest assured that if the shit went down between those two states, California would reach Indianapolis in 2 days, tops, and plant the Bear flag on the steps of their Capitol building and have everyone listening to Sublime within a fortnight.

This is not at all about the military, this is about the populations of the states, defensive terrain and the pre-conceived knowledge about the people fighting. It is also important to note that the state with a larger population always invades the less populated state. Example: New Jersey is small and hard to defend, yet those people are all packing and are in fact, not even human at all. Pennsylvania could ostensibly attack New Jersey, but consider that PA only has 4 million more people than NJ and consider the Amish, old people and just general "white as milk" population in the rural areas. It would come down to the Philly reserves and Pittsburgh Steel workers to take Newark and I wouldn't put any money on it.

So we come to Texas vs. Alabama. Texas has a 20 million person advantage in population. Alabama is mostly flat land, but has it's share of rivers and swampland. Alabama's populace cannot be underestimated in a brawl for any number of reasons but the people from Texas are, well, people from Texas.

Texas, if they were to invade Alabama, would send the McCoy flank to take Mobile and the Norris Flank to take Huntsville in a matter of hours. From there a pincer like maneuver would take place sending the McCoy flank sweeping through the southern flat lands and the Norris flank through the northern hills while the bulk of the Texans lead by Mack Brown would charge through Tuscaloosa and Birmingham until it swept south to link up with the McCoy contingent in Montgomery. The Jordan Shipley brigade will split wide north with the McCoy flank to secure the interior lowlands. Montgomery would fight hard, but would fall after 2 days of fighting, maybe. All deserters and enemies would be subjected to the electric chair, seeing as how that's what Texans do for a hot time on weekend evenings during the football off-season.

Pincer like military maneuvers are very effective in flat to slightly hilly terrain, making Alabama a perfect place for Texas to perform one.

More than likely, Talladega would be the last stand for the Alabamians. Most treasured possessions are usually the last things to fall. Estimated time of full victory at Talladega: 3 years. That's because Vince Young will be leading that charge and, as we all know, it takes Vince Young 3 years to finally get "it" right. "It" includes, but is not limited to, College Football, NFL football, life, friendships and dog training.

Only one of these things is actually relevant to the game but I'll leave up to you, the dear reader, to figure that out.

Basically Texas needs a low scoring game.

Nebraska wrote the recipe for knocking Texas on their asses, but you can't completely shut them down. Texas will put up points, but will Alabama? Texas will put up at least 13 points. The question is: "How many points will Alabama score?" A shootout leads to an Alabama victory solely on the Tide's powerful defense which will eventually put the Longhorn defense in snooze mode, so a low scoring defensive puntfest is what Texas wants. Oddly enough, that's what Nick Saban probably wants as well. Texas can win, but they can't let it be a shootout.

So there you have, folks. College football = over. How sad. We will mourn the loss of the season in the coming days with wrapups, eulogies and other types of recognition. We will be reordering the schedule shortly and maybe even adding a new contributor(!) thus giving you more content to scrutinize and yell about. The 2010 college football season won't being until (probably) September 4th... nearly 8 long months away. So enjoy the game tonight!

Thoughts on the Orange Bowl

by Slate Quicksilver

First and foremost, let's get down to brass-tacks. TCU or Boise State should have been in this game. That is abundantly clear, however in the BCS Kremlin (situated somewhere in the depths of a cave 4 miles down where even the strongest of communication bands cannot reach them), it would not be allowed for a non-BCS conference powerhouse to up-end a real BCS conference team in a BCS game for the fourth time this decade.

The underground bunker features several offices, a meeting space, a longwave band one-way radio communications room manned by Tim Cowlishaw to promote the most glorious and complete bowl system EVAR and a torture room for those weak enough to turn to the rebel side which is headed up by BigTen commissioner Jim Delaney. Also included are dry supplies and a tap to an aquifer that will last them for the next 50 years. Don't worry about getting in touch with them, they will get in touch with you and it will be with a 1000 volt electrode to a valuable part of your reproductive organs until you repent your seditious words. It's a long way to the surface when you are underground by 4 miles and the only way up is a key to a rope lead elevator held by ACC commish Jim Swofford. That's why we haven't heard from "Tim Brando" in weeks. (Quotation marks are necessary because if the BCS has their way, he will be an "un-person").

That being said in more words than I wanted to use, let us talk again about why TCU and Boise State should be there. It was massively unfair to shaft both teams to play each other. Let's think for a minute about the possible scenario where Michigan State didn't send a 6 blitz on the last play of the game from their own 6 yard line against Iowa. In this hypothetical situation Iowa does not win the game and thus is not in a BCS bowl. So where does the 3rd team come from? It could have been the fightin' Mormons had they not lost in the one game Florida State showed up in this season. More likely is Pittsburgh, if they didn't miss a single extra point against Cincy to close the season. And what if Clemson won the ACC championship? Would Georgia Tech still be in a BCS bowl? The ifs and buts (which are candy and nuts) keep adding up to show just how lucky the BCS Kremlin was because barring each of those scenarios, which are hardly implausible and are in fact likely in terms of probability (remember that flipping a coin and being correct 4 times in a row is a 6.25% chance), they would have had to put TCU or Boise in a different game.

If any of those things happened, TCU and Boise would not have been in the Fiesta Bowl. Those were two evenly matched teams and it was a solid game. TCU wanted a low scoring game, but Boise's defense showed up. Frankly, TCU versus GT's 1930s offense would be worth the price of admission. Boise State would have been a delight in the Sugar Bowl instead of an uninspired and sleepy Cincinnati team (No, losing your coach is not an excuse because Bill Stewart lead West Virginia to a BCS win as the interim coach with a far worse team).

The overarching point is that the Orange Bowl is bad matchup of dubious terms. Not that Georgia Tech isn't a good team. Their offense is fun to watch and their defense is... well... it is present. Present as in there is usually 11 players on the field. GT needs this game to shootout because that defense is less than stellar. Luckily for them, Iowa's offense has been effectively dead all season. They are in the bottom quarter for rushing and in the middle for passing. This helps GT.

Iowa is admittedly decent even though this fine site has been screaming uncontrollably all year that they are extremely overrated. As previously mentioned, their offense is not good. But the defense is something to be proud of. They are in the top of D1 in third down success rates (for defense). Stopping the option on 3rd and short is a goal of any team playing GT, so this could bode well for the Corn.

Thus I like the Corn to win this somehow. They won at least 4 games this year that they should have lost (all to far worse teams). Because Tech is better than them, this one just screams win for Iowa.

Central Michigan University: Cincinnati's Coaches Cradle

by Slate Quicksilver

Not much to talk about unless I wish to dive into the "Tiger Woods is Straight" story. Thus we turn to a fun fact:

For the second time in four years, the University of Cincinnati has stolen Central Michigan University's coach at such a time that he will not coach the Chippewas' bowl game.

First, Brian Kelly was snatched by the Bearcats after he led CMU to a 9 win season and the first bowl berth in about 9 million years. He left for Cincy so quickly that he didn't coach them in the Motor City Bowl. Cincinnati had just lost their coach, Mark Dantonio, to Michigan State. Funny, seeing as how Brian Kelly was in the Spartans' backyard for years both in Mt. Pleasant and at Grand Valley State. Go back read about the Stupidity Dome for more.

Well, in case you haven't heard, Brian Kelly left Cincinnati to go to Notre Dame. Cincinnati, again without a coach turned to their breeding ground in Mt. Pleasant to snag Butch Jones. Butch Jones took the reins from the Kelly regime and kept Central Michigan as a reasonable MAC powerhouse. They are currently ranked #25 in the AP poll and are going to the GMAC bowl to play a garbage Sun Belt team. Like last time, Jones is leaving so quickly so greener pastures (both figuratively and literally), he won't coach the Chips in their biggest game in years.

The question must be asked: "Why do coaches run screaming from the premises in Mt. Pleasant?" Is it because the town would cease to exist without the college? Doubtful seeing as how just about every college town in the south would be two stoplights, a Hardees and a boarded up Winn-Dixie if not for their respective colleges and universities. Perhaps there is more to it, but that would require investigative reporting and that will take time and resources and attention... something this site is lacking in spades.

Maybe, Mt. Pleasant is just a middle of nowhere town in the middle of a state falling apart at the seams thanks to unemployment and destructive political infighting. Maybe it's because no prized recruit would ever go there because of that lack of anything (other than a casino). Maybe it's because we are talking about the MAC here and being a MAC powerhouse is like being a gold medalist at the Special Olympics. Who knows?

All said, we wish luck to Central Michigan, Butch Jones (after the Sugar Bowl) and we wish pestilence and harm to Brian Kelly at Notre Dame not because we are anti-Kelly, but because we are anti-Notre Dame.

Enter the Stupidity Dome

by Slate Quicksilver

Mastering the art of geography is just of my special skills. Being able to take an aerogyro from Siam to Bombay in order to take a steamer to Zanzibar to see the locals perform a regional celebration of the coming of the monsoon was the true reason for doing so, but the golden age of travel is over. No longer can I wear a smoking jacket and give an open palmed smack on the rump of a well endowed hostess in business class. Those days were magic. We can't even call them hostesses anymore, just "attendants."

As a result, I had to find other uses for the oldest subject in the books. In doing so, I have found a spatial-temporal consistency (scary way of saying: "pattern") in the completely stupidity going on in a 100 mile radius centered in south-central Michigan.

Enjoy.

Gold = Notre Dame
Dark Blue = Michigan
Green = Michigan State
Red = Central Michigan
Blue = Grand Valley State (D2)

What do those five schools have in common? A great deal. Watch and learn.

Notre Dame, in case you didn't know this, is looking for a head coach. Who are they looking for? Well the short list looked like Jim Harbaugh (Stanford), Brian Kelly (Cincinnati), Randy Edsall (Connecticut) and maybe... but probably not... Tommy Tuberville (ESPNU). Most sources indicate that it will be Brian Kelly. Kelly has a large contract waiting for him in South Bend as well as a formerly amazing coaching gig. It sounds like the decision is his.

But let's look a little deeper. Brian Kelly is at Cincinnati. He took over their in 2006 after Mark Dantonio left the Bearcats for Michigan State due to the vacancy left by the completely terrible John L. Smith regime. Smith was once quoted as saying: "There is no way a coach can ever (know everything about) their team. The coach who knows more about what's going on usually wins a game (but not always)." Dantonio proceeded to sort of, almost, kinda maybe turn the Spartans around. At least now they make bowl games. Brian Kelly left Central Michigan to go to Cincinnati. While there, Kelly turned CMU from a perennial doormat in the MAC to a MAC powerhouse and recruited Dan Lefevour who is a pretty legit QB.

Stupid thing number #1: Michigan State didn't take Brian Kelly in 2006. MSU is better, there is no questioning that. They have made a bowl game every year with Dantonio at the helm including this year which was heart-stompingly miserable. But Brian Kelly has seen far more success with a BCS bowl win and a second birth this year. Kelly is using Dantonio's recruits as well as his own studs (Mardy Gilyard among others...) whereas Dantonio has been getting crushed in recruiting by his instate rival and the other Big Ten schools and hasn't shaken the "Oh-No Sparty game" curse that has been there since the mid 90s.

Moving forward we look at Michigan. The rumblings calling for Lloyd Carr's head began in 2006, the same year Brian Kelly and Mark Dantonio were available. Those two like playing the ball control offense that the Michigan fan base loves. Instead they held on for one more year and faced the embarrassment of losing to Appalachian State. Now Rich Rodriguez is there running his wacky spread offense rather unsuccessfully. When hiring Rodriguez, Michigan did look at Kelly. They also looked at Jim Harbaugh, who played at Michigan.

Stupid thing #2: Michigan snubs Jim Harbaugh and Brian Kelly. Now they are locked in with a guy who smashed all of their proud traditions and brought in an NCAA investigation. Oh, and he is 8-16 in his tenure there. 8 wins and 16 losses. This goes on while Jim Harbaugh has reinvigorated Stanford and Brian Kelly made Cincy an actual legit team and the only powerhouse in the Big East.

Here's where it gets even stupider.

Stupid thing #3: MSU doesn't jump on Kelly before anyone else. Michigan State (and to a lesser extent, Michigan) had an opportunity to take Brian Kelly even before he went to Central Michigan, when he was about to Grand Valley State, a Division 3 school in Grand Rapids, Michigan. In his 13 years at GVSU, Kelly was 118-35-2. In 2002, Kelly won GVSU its first D2 national championship. MSU could have extended an invitation... but no. They took John L. Smith in so that he could completely wipe that program off the map for a few years. What did Kelly do in 2003? He won a second championship. That's when he went to Central Michigan who was 1-11 the year before they hired him.

CMU was disgusting before Mr. Kelly took over. His first year wasn't too solid. 4-7 is hardly a good record, but when you were 1-11, that's a solid job. Next year they were 6-5 and in 2005 they went 9-4, won the MAC championship and Cincinnati jumped out of its shoes to get him. He didn't even coach their upcoming bowl game.

Now to the present time. Cincinnati has won its second outright Big East crown in a row and will go on to play Florida in the Sugar Bowl. Cincy is no longer an "also-ran" thanks to him. Notre Dame is about to fly a helicopter over the Kelly household dropping money until he finally submits and goes there to coach. How much? At least a doubling from 1.5 million to 3 million, but ND appears to really have it in for him, so we could see a pocketbook buster of a paycheck coming his way. Funny... why?

Stupid thing #4: Notre Dame in 2003 was getting sick of Ty Willingham. They only reached the Gator Bowl that year. Who was reaching his first apex at that time? The guy they are about to pay enough money that only a forklift will be able to carry his check: Brian Kelly.

So let's finish by talking about how each team is doing:

Notre Dame: Crashing and burning. They have gone from powerhouse to irrelevant in only one decade. They are about to pay an exorbitant amount of money to a guy they had a shot at years ago. However do not weep for them. Instead laugh and point. It's far more fun.

Michigan: Apocalypse. They went from a guaranteed 9 wins a year to finishing last in the BigTen. Clearly this was Icarus flying too close to the sun, and the coach they have now is already chasing off headhunters despite the fact that they could have had any number of other coaches who could have held the tradition strong.

Michigan State: Good, not great. Despite their recent problem with going to dorms and randomly fighting people MSU is not as bad as they were under John L. Smith. However, like Michigan and Notre Dame, they hired the wrong guy. This author argues that they are in the right direction, but going from 9 to 6 wins doesn't back that up... however 2 years is not a good sample size.

Central Michigan: Excellent. Like most small conference teams, turnover can be volatile and painful. But right now, CMU is the cream of the MAC crop and if not for the fact they are stuck going to the crappy GMAC bowl, they would have a chance to play a legit team. In fact, they are #25 in the AP poll. Good for them.

Grand Valley State: Ridiculously good. As mentioned before, Brian Kelly turned this team in to a dominant force. And it keeps on rolling. On December the 12th, GVSU will play for the D3 championship. Don't laugh. D3 is probably the hardest of all because you can't give out as many scholarships and the quality of your athlete is not exactly what it would be in the upper divisions. This is not meant to be elitist and in fact is praise. For a team to stay as strong as it has been (for the last nearly 20 years...) with these limitations, obviously something must be right.

So what's the lesson? In the stupidity dome, the bigger your program, the worse off you are!

Notre Dame is in ditch covered in gasoline and on fire. Michigan is currently having involuntary surgery but will probably survive. Michigan State has at least plugged most of the holes in the dyke but has several more to go. Central Michigan is reaping the benefits of being a small conference power. Grand Valley State is an ass kicking juggernaut and has been so for the last 20 years and the only reason you've never heard of them is because they play D3 football in Michigan.

Final Word for College Football for the Regular Season

by Slate Quicksilver

Painful week for some (yours truly included), elation for others.

(2) Alabama showed up for a football game in the SEC championship game while (1) Florida showed up for Georgia Tech's basketball game about 5 miles north. As a result, Alabama's offense went bananas. Florida's offense wasn't terrible, but a backbreaker of an interception sealed the deal. Down 18, Tim Tebow tried throwing the ball through Javier Arenas rather than slightly over his head to a wide open Aaron Hernandez in the endzone. Sadly for Tebow and luckily for Alabama, Arenas' body is made of what physicists know as "solid matter" of a denser material than a pigskin football. That left the game at 18 points and Alabama owned the clock for the rest of the game. It can't be said enough how bad that INT was. UF forced a 3 and out immediately after that INT and then drove down to the redzone in 90 seconds. They lost it on 4th and short, but consider that UF was 20 yards from being down 5 with 7 minutes left.

But that is an irrational fan's view. Though several other sources have pointed out the same plausible scenario, there is no proof that their defense could have stopped Mark Ingram in the last minutes in a close game seeing as hwo they couldn't do it even in garbage time.

Alabama goes to the national championship game and Florida likely goes to the Sugar Bowl. Florida has no reason to cry (a 22 game winning streak with a national championship is nothing to be uncontent with) and Alabama has a great deal to be proud of (great game plan with excellent execution).

(3) Texas dodged an assassin's bullet marked "(22) Nebraska." A last second field goal after an official's review of the time was the difference. However this may be a Pyrrhic victory as Nebraska quite literally drew up the recipe on how to shut down Texas. Alabama needs just to watch the tapes, pay minimal attention and repeat what they saw. Colt McCoy was confused all night by a shifting defense, so we'll have to see what Alabama's thunderous defense does to repeat Nebraska's tune.

In what turned out to be a great game, (5) Cincinnati needed a last minute touchdown to defeat an upset hungry Wannstache-led (15) Pittsburgh team. Pitt had a go-ahead TD with about 90 seconds left but MISSED THE EXTRA POINT. Ouchies. Cincy, likely, will play in the Orange Bowl against Georgia Tech.

(6) Boise State is undefeated, again, after destroying New Mexico State. If anyone will be getting screwed this year, it would be Boise State. Fiesta Bowl or Poinsettia Bowl... tough fall if its not the Fiesta Bowl.

(7) Oregon won the Pac10 after beating Oregon State in the Civil War. It was an excellent game, but Oregon's offense was amazing in the second half. They went TD, TD, FG and run out the clock in order to kill off Oregon State. Most impressive.

The Rest of the Top 25:

(10) Georgia Tech beat The Clemson CJ Spillers 39-34 in Tampa in the ACC championship game. CJ Spiller went bonkers with 4 TDs, but GT's offense was one step ahead of the Spillers and will probably play Cincinnati in the Orange Bowl.

Arizona went to the Coliseum and beat (18) USC... LOLZORZ! USC is now no longer ranked. This season, for the Men of Troy, will probably be forgotten and stripped from the history books and blamed on poor QB play from their frosh QB Matt Barkley. Yet, stats and logic point to the pathetic defense. Either way, they fall to 6th in Pac10 while Arizona is tied for 2nd with 3 other teams. Well done, chaps.

Washington smashed (19) California. Washington was perplexing this year. They beat USC early, but lost to a few bad teams. However, no one can disagree that they aren't going in the right direction and kudos to Steve Sarkisian for doing it so quickly.

East Carolina nipped (22) Houston despite Case Keenum hitting the multi-ball jackpot ramp 3 times to get 500+ passing yards. If you look at Keenum's numbers this year, make sure you are wearing protective lens as your eyes may pop out of your head. 43 TDs/9 INTs and 5449 yards passing with a bowl game to come. East Carolina was touch of a disappointment, but still went 9-4 with a bowl game to come. A subtle and quiet 9-4, but Skip Holtz to Notre Dame... anyone? Just a thought.

(23) West Virginia outlasted Rutgers in a mostly pointless game. West Virginia and Rutgers are two teams that could jump to Big East prominence if Brian Kelly does leave Cincy and that program goes back to meh-ness.

The Rest of What Matters:
The MAC Championship was on Friday (did you know that?) and Central Michigan won and they are now ranked... good for them. Montana, yes the D2 school, obliterated SF Austin 51-0, yes the D2 school, to continue their dominance this season (no seriously go look at their schedule/results) and upped their case for joining the Mountain West or WAC. In the only Sun Belt coverage you'll get all year, FAU beat FIU in the Shula Bowl. A late FG gave UConn a win over USF in the cold. And finally, WisCANsin smashed Hawai'i in the warm climes of Honolulu.

Be ready for our bowl picks and final final word for the season in a few weeks. Good Night, America!

Your Weekend CFB Picks for 12/5

Championship Week is here. This means crushed dreams, merciless taunting and violent thoughts will carry the weekend. It's almost sad how the season is nearing its endgame, but remember that we have an entire offseason to misconstrue rumors and make fun of each other's programs for arrests.

#5 Cincinnati @ #14 Pitt (Big East de facto championship game)

Red:

No one cares about Big East football. The reason they don’t have a championship game? Because no one would show up to watch it. Simply put I don’t care and neither do you.

Prediction: Bearcats beat Panthers in battle of the Big Least.

Iroquois:
I've been one of the Wannstache's biggest supporters this year, but I am not going to deny Cincy. For that matter, why is it automatically assumed TCU will remain ahead of Cincy? They both have beaten an equal amount of ranked teams, with Cincy getting the last shot at beating another. Further, for as much fun as the national media makes of the Big East, they are still an automatic BCS bid conference. I find it hard to believe that the computers won't find a way to get the automatic conference in there over the MWC.

Additionally, I think Cincy has the more impressive overall resume, having lost a Heisman-caliber QB without missing a beat.

Cincy over Wannstache.

Slate:
Iroquois brings up a good point that Cincy didn't skip a beat after losing Tony Pike to whatever nasty injury he had. Cincinnati, in several other years, would certainly deserve a national championship berth but won't get one with this year's overcrowded bunch at the top.

The problem is that they are playing Pitt, meaning they have the Wannstache on tap. A few years ago the Wannstache clipped West Virginia which turned the BCS on its head, and who is to say it won't happen again? The Big East is almost back to prominence... who could screw it up? This guy. Like Golem jumping off the rock and into the lava just to carry his precious just one more time, Dave Wannstedt could steal this game and wreck Cincinnati's pristine season and ruin the Big East's claim to being a legit conference again. If anyone could do that... win a game that they should not for the better of their conference... it is this guy.

Wannstache over Cincy (/slowly rubs his eyes and takes in the gravity of what hge just said)

#12 Georgia Tech - #25 Clemson (ACC Championship)

Red:

ACC football, somewhat more respectable in a hey whatever happened to that conference sense. Considering both of these teams lost to mid level SEC teams last week how can we even call this a Championship? Maybe a losership?

Prediction: C.J. Spiller has ten thousand all purpose yards, Georgia Tech wins by 3.

Iroquois:
Whose superior running game is more superiorer? That will determine the runner up game from SEC-ACC rivalry weekend. I don't think the Sons of Clem have the consistent QB play to distinguish themselves over the Ramblin' Wreck.

GT over Climpson.

Slate:
Two things of note about GT's triple option: 1.) It destroys most teams... 2.) Teams that have stopped it were so hopped on rage and penned up anger that when they finally hit the field they would have fully kicked a kitten in the mouth if it were needed to stop that offense (Miami and Georgia got eviscerated by the Jackets last year and this year beat them).

Clemson has not had a full year to digest their blown win in Hotlanta, but you know they will be PISSED OFF, after Josh Nesbitt resurrected his team from the grave to steal a win from Dabo and the Tigers. Will they channel their inner beast mode and stop the Ramblin' Wreck? I say yes.

Clemson over GT

#3 Texas - #22 Nebraska (Big XII championship)

Red:
As much as I would enjoy a great game between two powerhouse teams there is one problem. Only one powerhouse team has decided to show up. Nebraska might be able to hang around for the first quarter or maybe first half but aside from Ndamuka-longa-ding-dong Suh they simply don’t have the players to make this an interesting game. Prediction: Texas is playing its walk-ons early in the fourth quarter. (do you even bring walk-ons to the championship game?)

Iroquois:
I don't really have a lot to say about the game, but I would like to point out that Mike Judge of King of the Hill fame (and one of my favorite TV shows) played Nostradamus and called this title matchup two years ago, down to the point of Texas going to the Rose Bowl if they win. Yes, I realize they aren't going to the Rose Bowl proper but they are going to the Rose Bowl the stadium. Incidentally, Nebraska wins that game on Texas's quick kick gaffe.

I wish I could agree with Mr. Judge (and I so desperately want to), but I don't think Texas will let that happen. Too much is at stake. I will say this, though. Expect Bo Pelini to give Texas all they want defensively. Nebraska has a shot at the game if they can spring a few turnovers.

Texas over Nebrasky? (Damn it, Dale. These tickets are fake!)

Slate:
The Black Shirts are back, or so that what we are told, and that means Nebraska's defense is back to its head chopping ways. Just in time, too, as the Longhorns' wheelin' and dealin' offense rolls into Jerry Jones' Stadium/World Wonder/Pleasure Dome/Billion Dollar locale which is not up to current football standards. Personally, I think Mack Brown will keep Texas and their team's eyes on the prize and although it won't be a blowout, they will win and go to the NC game in Pasadena where we will hear for the next month nothing but: "The last time Texas came here Vince Young..."

Texas over Nebraska

#1 Florida - #2 Alabama (SEC championship game)

Red:

Benjamin Franklin once said the beer is proof that god loves us. Well, this game is proof that the football gods love us. I simply don’t know what is going to happen in this game, but I do know that the team that wins the line will win this game. That is why the loss of Carlos Dunlap is so staggering for the Gators. While the Gators might have some depth at his position they simply do not have an athlete like Carlos sitting on the two deep to plug in. If the Gators can stop the run then they win this game, if they don’t then it might be embarrassing for the boys of ole Florida.

Prediction: Gators by 3. Mount Cody has a heart attack after the gators run sweep after sweep with their speedy backs.

Iroquois:

This game is being dissected to death in the media. This game does seem to be more monumental than last year, especially given Tebow's pending departure from the ranks of college football. I feel Florida's peaking at exactly the right time with a couple of tune up games (FI/SU) before the big game and it seems like the offense is finally peaking. Expect this to be an epic battle to the bitter end, much like last year.

P.S. Bama fans, we won last year without Percy Harvin. You can't say that Bama will win because UF doesn't have Harvin this year. That's silly.

Florida over Alabama.

Slate:
Business time, people. No time for jokes or any of that noise, we're all business here.

Mark Ingram has a hip pointer and that limits power back like himself in terms of the contact that they can deliver/take. Carlos Dunlap showed that no matter how much of a competitor you may be, you can still be a raving moron... so he will sit in time out during the game.

The game will come down to two elements: Tebow vs. the Alabama defense/Greg McElroy versus himself. Tebow will need to remember not to run on EVERY PLAY WHERE THE POCKET COLLAPSES and he will do fine. The Gator run game is faster than any Alabama has all year. McElroy, on the other hand, will be fighting a tough secondary, and angry LB corps and a defensive line that plugs in any number of depth to replace Dunlap. Epic game, hopefully my team comes out alive.

Florida over 'Bama

P.S. Ditto on what Iroquois said. Seriously... Harvin was not the panacea for last year's game.

Doomsday Scenario

by Slate Quicksilver

A few years back my parents took me and Brother Quicksilver on a cruise to Alaska. It was a grand old time. I went to a whore house, Quicksilver Sr. had a bout of Cabin Fever, the sun did not set in Anchorage and we took a bus that took us over the border into Canada without any forms or passports or anything. Three of those things are true. Memories of a lifetime were created of Glacier Bay (see it now before it melts!), Bald Eagles soaring over our cruise ship (no, they do not poop gold nuggets as some Americans proclaim) and a crazy guy walking down the street in downtown Anchorage yelling "WOOOOO" and saying that the earth would end shortly. My parents swiftly had us cross the street lest we be "WOO"ed at.

The point of that heartwarming reflection of a family vacation was the "earth ending" part. We have six undefeated teams right now, one of which will lose (UF/'Bama), two of which are done at 12-0 (TCU and Boise State) and the other three could lose (Cincy, Texas and UF/'Bama).

Thus I will do my best Glenn Beck's Super Crazy Insanity Hour impression. Enjoy/Burn me in effigy.

Is this the breaking point for the BCS? The world hopes so. I hope so. Yet, like the biggest logs of poop in a toilet, incompetence always seems to float to the top (example: all the BCS conference commishes and the university presidents).

Boise State and TCU are locked into undefeated-ness. One will almost certainly go to a BCS game and the other has a solid chance barring a screw job of epic proportions. Cincy needs to survive a Wannstache-led Pittsburgh ambush, Florida and Alabama's game will produce an undefeated team and Texas will most likely steamroll Nebraska in a clean and efficient manner.

Let's pretend that Texas, UF and Cincy win their game. Texas and UF go to the NC game, Cincy gets screwed and goes to the Orange or Sugar Bowl, TCU plays the loser of UF/Bama and Boise State plays somebody somewhere at some time. No matter what, 3 teams get screwed. 3 teams over 3 conferences.

Why do conferences matter? Well, folks, I'll tell you. Last year, Utah went undefeated. They crushed Alabama in the Sugar Bowl. Yet those plucky guys from the Beehive State didn't win a championship since Florida played in an "IMAGINARY" championship. Yes, Florida. The same team with one loss. "But wait, Slate! Hold on a second their partner! Florida was the best team in the country last year," you may be saying. Well, friend, I say to you this, Florida is in the southeastern conference. The SEC. And what does SEC rhyme with!? Conspiracy! SEC... Conspiracy! How does the general public not see it!?

Folks, it didn't matter last year that Utah was undefeated. They are from the Mountain West conference. A flyover state, if you will. But Florida... Alabama... they are going to the National Championship game. One of them, that is. Texas? They are going. And if they lose to Nebraska, who cares!? Cincinnati will slide in to the game, leaving the small conference teams out in the cold with Trent Lott.

Is that fair? No. Last time I checked, this is America. We always let the little guy in. Ever see the movie "Rudy"? That little guy was a hard working American, just like TCU and Boise State and that story was based on a true story! Imagine if Notre Dame, with all their power and glory didn't let little Rudy on the field against Georgia Tech at the end of the movie. Would they have won? NO!!!!

Look, the point of all of this is that there is something fishy here. And you know what, Fish smell. Smell... a synonym for smell is aroma. And what does aroma sound like? OBAMA! Of course! AROMA - OBAMA - FISHY ACTIVITIES - SEC - CONSPIRACIES! DON'T YOU SEE IT!?!?

It's bad enough that we are going to get OBAMACARE shoved down our throat where tainted flu shots will be mandatory. Tainted, Slate? Yes! Abortion chips and truth serum will be placed into your flu shots which will turn you into a pro-SEC hack and there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! Why? Because Obama and his Patriot Act is gonna force you. That's why.

Escape is impossible. TCU and Boise State are already afflicted. Look at them. Boise State's Colors are ORANGE and BLUE... THE SAME AS FLORIDA'S! THEY PLAY ON A BLUE TURF! Give me a second to feign indignation and pretend to collect my thoughts.

Look, friends. We're in trouble here. The end is near. Stay tuned to find out how to survive the upcoming Thunderdome.

Final Word for College Football Week 12

by Slate Quicksilver

Like Les Miles and timeouts, I just assumed that this Final Word column would post itself. ZING! Thanks you've been a great audience. Try the veal and don't forget to tip your wait staff, they are the true heroes here.

(1) Florida strapped FIU a parachute full of dynamite and pushed them out of a plane over the North Atlantic Ocean. Florida hit the 42 point mark and out came Tebow, which was slightly disappointing. Leaving Tebow until 50 would have gotten him another 2 TDs and another 150 total yards. It seems that Urban Meyer, who clearly lets Tebow do whatever he wants, has decided that Tebow's second Heisman is not a necessity.

(2) Alabama, in an effort to one-up UF, played a D2 school (Chattanooga). "If you can play a bad team, we can play a really bad team!" exclaimed Nick Saban. As Florida did with FIU, 'Bama eviscerated their opponent with a cool and efficient demeanor.

(3) Texas blew up Kansas thus enraging Mark Mangino that much more. Finding out about Mangino's rage issues is rather funny because now we can draw comparisons between the spherical coach and Dr. Robotnik, of the Sonic the Hedgehog series.

(4) TCU is now 11-0 and is a lock for a BCS bid. It is this one's opinion that TCU will play in the Sugar Bowl. Frankly if they play my team, which is quite possible, things will be very very interesting. By interesting I mean a low scoring slugfest.

(6) Boise State obliterated Utah State. Related to the last team: Boise State is a lock for a BCS bowl... probably the Fiesta Bowl. This is because the Pac10, BigXII, Big East and ACC truly only deserve 1 team.

The rest of the Top 25:

Ole Miss and Father Time defeated (8) LSU, which guarantees the loser of the UF/Alabama game a spot in the Sugar Bowl. The time issue was just pure boneheadedness. Apparently the refs didn't hear or see him or his staff. The egg is on Les Miles face, though. How you can just assume the refs will call timeout while the clock is running out is really confusing. Anyway, Iroquois pointed out a few things on the Les Miles situation. Read that if you want a better breakdown.

(10) Ohio State beat Michigan in a boring and terrible game. Frankly, Michigan should have won had they not thrown eleventy billion INTs. The fact that Michigan even kept the game close is proof that Ohio State is not worth their ranking. The Terrelle Pryor Overrated Watch sponsored by Dr. Pepper has been raised from "Styx (the band)" to "Dan Brown (the author)." This is due to a miserable day at QB and just generally weighing down the entire Buckeye offense for an entire season.

(11) Oregon got by Arizona by the skin of their teeth in double OT. That's what Arizona fans get for jumping on to the field with time still on the clock. They leave the stands, got on the field and waited for a victory that was snatched from them thanks to Jeremiah Masoli and Ed Dickson being cool M-F-ers.

(12) Oklahoma State edged Colorado on Thursday. Losing to the Buffaloes would have been eternally embarrassing seeing as how this is OK State's only chance to actually say with validation that they are better than Oklahoma.

(13) Iowa blanked Minnesota 12-0 in a game that will be played in Guantanamo Bay as an "advanced interrogation technique" to be used on terror suspects.

(14) Penn State was locked in a 7-7 tie at the half against Michigan State. PSU then put up a 28 spot in the 3rd quarter whereas MSU didn't leave the locker room. Being a conscientious observer only works for war, Sparty.

(15) Virginia Tech brutalized North Carolina State, thus ending the Wolfpack's bowl chances. I remember at the beginning of the season that some people liked NC State's chances as an ACC dark horse. That worked out well.

Northwestern kicked (16) WisCANsin in the pants. Northwestern is quietly 8-4.

California clipped (17) Stanford in the big game. No bands were on the field this time, just disappointment for the Cardinal and Tiger Woods.

(19) Oregon State smashed Washington State and can still make it to the Rose Bowl if they beat Oregon in the Civil War game.

(20) Miami needed a late flurry to beat... Duke? Am I reading that correctly? Yes, I am.

(21) Utah destroyed San Diego State by scoring all 38 points before halftime.

(22) BYU beat Air Force and Max Hall set the BYU all time wins record. This record eclipses such giants (no sarcasm here) as Steve Young and Ty Detmer.

(23) Clemson bought their tickets to the ACC championship game to play Georgia Tech again by beating Virginia.

(24) Houston crushed Memphis with Case Keenum throwing for another 5 TDs.

(25) Rutgers beat Syracuse. Wait no, other way around. Syracuse beat Rutgers? That seems wrong, but I read it on the internet, so it must be true. OK. Syracuse over Rutgers. The biggest win of the Greg Paulus era.

The rest of everything that matters:
It took 11 weeks for FSU to get bowl eligible by beating Maryland. North Carolina shut down Boston College's offense. Texas Tech smacked Oklahoma around... is Sam Bradford that valuable? Mizzou defeated Iowa State in a game approximately 18 people cared about. Texas A&M got bowl eligible just in time (they play Texas in their last game) as they beat Baylor. Nebraska locked up the Big XII North with a win over K-State. USF downed Louisville. UConn beat Notre Dame in overtime (Charlie Weis is soooooo fired). Purdue ended it season with a win over Indiana. Army beat North Texas... they need to beat Navy to go to a bowl. UCLA clotheslined Arizona State to get to a bowl. Arkansas whooped Mississippi State. Tennessee is bowl eligible after beating Vandy (OMG LANE KIFFIN IS TEH BEST COACH EVAR!). And, finally, Georgia blew a 20-6 halftime lead to lose to Kentucky who is guaranteed to finish better than Georgia in the SEC East for the first time in a brazilian years.

Making Sense of Your Wreckage Part 1

by Slate Quicksilver

The college season is almost over, sadly. For some, there is still another month and a half filled with late season in-conference bouts, conference championships, bowl prep and the actual bowl itself. But for a good deal of teams, the season ends shortly. At a time of such darkness, sometimes it is an outside source that lends the sense to a program racked with nonsense filled times. Thus, I begin a new series highlighting teams that were colossal failures this year, and I will try to make a bit of sense. As usual, biases and pre-conceived notions are in play.

This week's team to try to explain: The University of Michigan.

One may think: "Slate, why give such an arrogant fanbase..." any levity or credence at all, "let them burn in their own fumes of unspent self-satisfaction!" Well friend, it's an inner fear. It's proof to all people who are in a fanbase of a big time program. If Michigan can fall, anyone can fall.

Granted, it was their own hubris that did it. They fired a legendary coach, impulsively, after a few bad losses. Oh wait, sorry, he "resigned." But it wasn't just that. They also snubbed several potentially great candidates (Brian Kelly @ Cincy, Jim Harbaugh @ Stanford and Les Miles @ LSU) and then "settled" with a gentleman who had never gone undefeated even in the thin and fluffy Big East. That gentleman was the same one who would steadfastly eliminate several long standing team traditions and move his highly specified offense without shifting at all to an offense who was as prepared and equipped to run his offense as an army of kittens armed only with cuteness would be to invade North Korea.

Well, after a full year and some solid recruiting, Rich Rodriguez actually looked smart. Michigan was 4-0 and some Michigan fans even considered Rose Bowl tickets. But here we are in mid-late November and since then, Michigan has won exact;y 1 game since. That win? Against powerhouse Delaware State... a D2 team.

So what went wrong?

Problem #1: Youth
The Youth didn't really grow up for the Wolverines. The trial by fire didn't work well. Tate Forcier started off well but has shrunk to a husk of a human being. He now looks timid and has happy feet on the scale of Tim Couch. The other QB, Denard Robinson, who made that amazing run in week 1? He'll probably be a slot WR or a safety next year. Basically, the youth never got their stuff together.

Problem #2: Cupcake scheduling
Michigan had its first FOUR games scheduled at home. Their schedule: Western Michigan, Notre Dame, Eastern Michigan and Indiana. Western is a big fish in the MAC vernal pond, Notre Dame is LOLZORZ bad, Eastern Michigan probably will not win a game this year and Indiana is better than most will admit but is nowhere near "good." So the second this young left the friendly confines of Ann Arbor, they got walloped. Michigan State crushed them for 55 minutes and Iowa spanked them for 58 minutes. They were close games thanks to late rallies, but those close losses clearly hurt the youngsters. They beat Delaware State, but then began their current four game slide in which they give up the butt on a major league scale.

Problem #3: Rich Rodriguez's Spread Offense
There is something inherent about his version of the spread. He wants to run as many plays as humanly possible as quickly as possible. That is a TERRIBLE idea in the Big Ten because most teams play a ball control offense. All that is required is to not let them score because you basically are given the clock battle on a silver platter. Go back to West Virginia with RR... they would either blow a team out or lose a close shootout. And that was when he had a defense, which leads us to...

Problem #4: Greg Robinson
Someday someone will be able to clearly explain why Greg Robinson is the defensive coordinator on this team. Robinson, as head coach, buried Syracuse in the core of the earth. He was 10-37 as a head coach. Worse still, of all people in the world who should know how bad he is at defense, it is Rich Rodriguez. RR at WVU vs. Greg Robinson's Syracuse squads: 111-38 in 3 meetings! Again, why is this guy defensive coordinator? Michigan's defense is always tired thanks to their team averaging only 26:22 minutes of possession each game. So let's review: The defense is always on the field and they have a terrible coordinator. That sounds like a recipe for success to me!

Final Word for College Football Week 11

A few close calls for the big teams, but a sunny week in the land of college football. Unless, of course, you go to USC where it is a severe weather warning with a tornado watch and 45+ mph sustained winds.

(1) Florida was two fingertip drops in the endzone from Riley Cooper (and 3 missed FGs) from making their win over South Carolina a blowout. What the haters will take away is another "close" win for the Gators who are supposedly fatally flawed on offense while the fans of the Gators will see this as a defensive pillaging. Yes, the Cocks put up 14 points in the first half, but the second half was a complete unplugging of the Carolina offense. 31 TOTAL yards given up to a Steve Spurrier offense. I had never seen Captain Spurrier look as depressed as he did after Garcia's game clinched INT.

(2) Alabama made short work of Mississippi State. 'Bama kind of stumbled out of the gate but the sound of inevitability drowned out even the loudest of cowbells in Starkville (how are those not illegal?). In the end, Mark Ingram went for 149 yards on only 19 carries. Though I don't see the Heisman in his future, I do see an explosive NFL career.

At halftime (3) Texas was up 40-0 at Baylor. Though this is no shock to anyone in the Western Hemisphere, it should be pointed out that Texas doesn't even have to try for the rest of the season to get to the national championship game. It begs the question "Will Colt McCoy be benched to keep him healthy?" The reason this is worth asking is because he is in the Heisman hunt. It would be terrible to see him hurt against Texas A&M in a game they will win by 70 with or without him.

(4) TCU jacked up (16) Utah. This game was never close as the freshman QB for Utah looked scared and bad all day. After a talk with Iroquois, we can almost guarantee TCU in the Sugar Bowl against the loser of the UF/Alabama game.

On Friday, (5) Cincinnati dodged West Virginia's upset bid. Really, WVU scored late to make this closer, but they halted Cincy's offense in an efficient manner. Cincinnati now has Pitt left (with Illinois before them) in the de-facto Big East Championship. That game will be the first game in the Big East with any meaning without a team named West Virginia, Miami or Virginia Tech in about 20 years (or so).

The Rest of the Top 25:

(6) Boise State ripped in state rival Idaho apart. They put up 42 in the first half alone and after a talk with Iroquois can guarantee a Fiesta Bowl bid against either an ACC or Big East team.

(7) Georgia Tech started slow, but eventually overwhelmed Duke. ACC Coastal champs for the Jackets... perhaps a rematch with Clemson?

(8) LSU got all they could handle with Louisiana Tech. La Tech last week held Boise State close but lost and this week went into the 4th quarter down 17-13... props to them.

Stanford (as a staffer on this humble site said they would) beat (9) USC in the Coliseum. No, they didn't just "beat" them, they ruined USC. Absolutely ruined them. 55-21 is the most points USC has given up at home since 1966 and the worst home loss since then as well.

(11) Ohio State beat (10) Iowa in overtime. In OT, Iowa had the ball first. 3 plays later it was 4th and 26 and Iowa out of FG range. The Terrelle Pryor Overrated Watch Sponsored by Matthew McConaughey's Acting Career will remain at "Styx" (the band). It will not be upgraded thanks to play that could only be described as "50% percentile."

(12) Pittsburgh may have landed the deathblow to Charlie Weis's tenure at Notre Dame. They almost blew it and a questionable fumble call sealed it, but the Wannstache finally won a big game that they NEEDED to win.

(13) Oregon decimated Arizona State's defense all day to lead to a large victory. Barring a loss on the way out to Oregon State, Oregon is probably smelling roses and Ohio State.

North Carolina handed (14) Miami a loss for the second year in a row in this year's installment of the Butch Davis Bowl. Four INTs of Jacory Harris was the clincher.

UCF ended (15) Houston's almost-fantasy season in Orlando, the city of fantasies and talking mice. Case Keenum still put up large numbers but had 3 INTs.

California nipped (17) which effectively ended Arizona's dark horse bid for the Rose Bowl.

(18) Penn State was the victim of another Indiana blown lead.

(19) Oklahoma State had a shockingly low scoring win over Texas Tech. At the beginning of the season, one with knowledge of these teams would have predicted that it would have been raining points in Stillwater. Yet it was a 24-17 win for the Cowboys.

(20) WisCANsin was the first to officially say good night to Michigan's bowl chances this year. Michigan needs a win against Ohio State to get bowl eligible... which won't happen.

(21) Virginia Tech obliterated Maryland who is just plain awful.

(22) BYU had a bit of a scare against winless New Mexico. 24-19 was about 50 points closer than most expected this game to go.

(23) Oregon State killed Washington's bowl hopes with a resounding victory in Corvallis. The Beavers are still in the Rose Bowl hunt and it requires a win over Oregon in the upcoming Civil War.

Rutgers forced (24) USF into playing one of the worst games of offensive football in recent years.

The rest of what matters:
The CJ Spiller show continued as Clemson smoked NC State. Florida State beat Wake Forest to stay bowl eligible. Boston College beat Virginia in a sleeper. Mizzou beat Kansas State to muddy the Big XII North picture even more. Iowa State is now bowl eligible after nudging Colorado. Nebraska's defense made it clear that they are back in a shut down of Kansas. Oklahoma's offense showed up 2 months late in a crushing of Texas A&M. Louisville beat Syracuse in a game that set offensive football back 86 years. Minnesota edged South Dakota State proving once and for all that South Dakota does, in fact, have schools. Northwestern survived a late flurry by Illinois. Michigan State won a shootout over Purdue to get bowl eligible. UCLA flattened Washington State... but that's kind of the style these days. Dexter McCluster went bananas against the recently armed and dangerous Tennessee defense for an Ole Miss win. Kentucky = Bowl Eligible... Vandy = terrible. Georgia snuck by Auburn. Finally, Arkansas routed Troy.

Your Weekend Picks 11/13/2009

(Insert thing lame joke about it being Friday the 13th and how some teams may get killed off this weekend).

(15) Iowa @ (11) Ohio State
Iroquois:
With QB and lucky charm Ricky Stanzi out for the year, the clock has struck 1 AM on Iowa's dream season run. Were it not for us officious intermeddlers, it may have ended weeks ago. I might have had more faith if Iowa was at home, but alas, they are not. And that's all she wrote.

OSU over Corn.

Slate:
If this game were in Ohio State, I probably would have grown a pair and picked Iowa. The logic behind that is that it is Ohio State and their offense is as impotent as a Kazakhstani uranium miner and they usually lose an in-conference home game this time of year. Yet, a young inexperienced QB in the madhouse in Columbus could never win. Despite all of the obvious logic pointing in one direction, I'll take the other.

OSU over Corn.

(25) Stanford @ (11) USC
Iroquois:
I'm not buying an automatic USC win, despite their history of great success in November (undefeated under Petey Pie). Sure, Stanford had to expend a great majority of their energy and probably a lot of their reserve energy in keeping up with the Quack Pack last week. Sure, USC has a better defense than most Stanford has faced this year, led by Everson Griffen and Nick Perry and the perennially overrated Taylor Mays (NOT A SAFETY AT THE NEXT LEVEL. HE CANNOT EVEN COVER WIDE RECEIVERS AT THIS LEVEL. THERE'S A REASON HE ALWAYS GETS STUCK IN THE CENTER FIELD POSITION AND HAS TO CHEAT TO LATERALLY COVER. IT'S BECAUSE HE'S A LINEBACKER.)

I am drinking the Stanford Kool-Aid this week. In fact, for those curious about my identity, here's an action shot of me drinking some Stanford drink. USC will be pretty one-dimensional on offense this week without pass-catchers Damian Williams and whoever their pass-catching TE is. As long as Stanford can play some ball-control and use Gerhart's physical running style to wear down the clock and USC run defense,I think they eke out the victory.

Stanford over USC.

Slate:
Last time Stanford went to the LA Coliseum, they pulled off an upset of epic proportions. LOLZORZ and ROFL-copters were thrown all over the college football landscape in USC's general direction because they finally lost AT HOME to an in-conference team.

This time, Stanford is far improved and USC is not the universe destroyer they once were. A loss for USC would perhaps be the end of the of the halcyon days of complete brutalilty against their opponents 12 out of 13 games a year. A win for Stanford would put Palo Alto back on the football map and validate their hiring of Jim Harbaugh, who promised a resurgance of the Trees. Stanford's gritty/gamer/hard worker/TRUE football player/all around tough guy Toby Gerhart might be able to get some traction against the USC defense which is clearly not the immovable object of previous campaigns. Yet even with a hampered offense, ol' Pete has never lost in November and this will not become the start of that trend.

USC over Stanford


(16) Utah @ (4) TCU
Iroquois:
Utah present meets Utah past. TCU simply has too much on both sides of the ball and the best shot of going undefeated (more on that below).

TCU over Da Utes.

Slate:
Simple fact, Utah has a frosh at QB. TCU has a spectacular defense. This will not end well for the Utes. TCU will continue its march towards undefeatedness.

TCU over Da Utes.

(1) UF @ South Carolina
Iroquois:
Look for Florida to hopefully utilize the vertical passing game to give SCAR something to think about. Since both UF and Bama have punched their championship game tickets, I expect every game from here on out for both teams to be tune-ups and exercises in experimentation for new offensive wrinkles.

UF over SCAR.

Slate:
Last year, Florida set South Carolina on fire in the first quarter and didn't put them out until the lifeless charred remains were glowing orange embers. But last year, UF's offense obliterated all in their way. This year, the offense is far more humanitarian in its efforts. Florida, in an attempt to make some new wrinkles may try something new here and there. But Spurrier is not a man to be trifled with. Upset COULD happen, but probably will not.

UF over SCAR.

Notre Dame @ (8) Pitt

Iroquois:
I continually remain far less skeptical of the Wannstache than most here at PLS. I can't quite tell if it's the recent hire of Frank Cignetti as OCoord or if Dion Lewis is just that good, but whatever the case may be, Bill Stull, Lewis, and Jonathan Baldwin (an IP favorite) have led the way for a much improved Pitt offense.

Of course, we all know the story on Cheeseburger Chuck and his Irish. (No, that wasn't a fat joke, I swear.) Not even the worst Notre Dame coaches in previous years lost to Navy twice in a row. Granted, Navy was a lot worse then and perhaps Navy just had the decided schematic advantage, as Cheeseburger so famously crooned upon his ascension to Head Coach. Put succintly, if last week's lost to Navy didn't do it and the buyout isn't a huge obstance (rumors have it above his annual salary by a considerable margin), a loss this week firmly takes Cheeseburger from Head Coach to Home Couch.

Pitt over ND.

Post-Pick Soapbox

This one will be quick. Once again, I really have nothing to base this on, and maybe its just the Friday the 13th talking, but Boise State will lose this Saturday to Idaho and make a very interesting battle between Al Golden of Temple and Robb Akey of Idaho for Coach of the Year. It's entirely likely that Boise comes out firing because they're angry at themselves for lapsing against La Tech. Maybe, though, juuuust maybe the Football Gods are not ones with which to be trifled and Boise's PR firm idea for BCS promotion was putting the cart before the horse in assuming an undefeated season.

Idaho over Boise.

Slate:
Iroquois seems rather smitten with the Wannstache. There is some reason to this idea. Bill Stull is now a competent QB and the Pitt defense is better than usual. But my good friend forgets that he the Wannstache is Dave Wannstedt. The same man who clearly spends more time feathering his hair than analyzing game schemes. He ALWAYS loses games he should win. Bowling Green last year? North Carolina State this year? Virginia 2 years ago?

This guy always screws up that which is good. The Dolphins, when he coached them, blew playoff tickets in 2003 by losing the last two games despite having 4th quarter leads. If there is a man who can blow something as quickly and seamlessly as Dave Wannstedt, I don't want to meet him.

On the other hand we have frontbutt, Charlie Weis. I'll wager a coke that he pulls this off. Why? Because he is a cockroach and will not go away. He will fight his firing with every breath and kill his program even more as he does.

Notre Dame over Pitt

SEC Technology Timeline

by Slate Quicksilver

In light of this news, my rage and anger and general "rabble rousing" capabilities have been slightly stymied. Don't get me wrong, most refs in football these days miss approximately 90% of holding calls, 95% of offensive downfield holding and almost never call the horse collar rule implemented a few years ago. College football refs, simply due to there being more games by volume, take far more flak than pro refs (unless your name is Ed Hochuli). But the SEC refs thsi year have been brutal. That news slightly makes things almost better, but in a multi-billion entity... you'd think you could hook up the likes of Jordan-Hare Stadium or Sanford Stadium with a 37 inch Vizio and spring for the extra 10 bucks for the HD package.

Due to this the crack squad here at PLS went into the history of SEC refs and found out the technological advancements, merits and wheelins' and dealins' of this mercurial group perhaps to shed light on why they are behind the times.

1932: SEC is founded
1935: Referees are finally introduced to the league after several maimings
1937: Referees are finally given outfits to identify differently than players and coaches
1940: Referees are given whistles to stop plays instead of just yelling really loud
1941: Referees reluctantly start using the whistles
1945: SEC refs botch the initial Nuremberg Trials by ruling that Goering and Goebbels were "already down"
1953: Referees who require corrective lenses start using them despite regular taunting by other refs, fans and players
1953: Referees who require corrective lenses all either resign or take their secret to the grave
1958 - 1982: Bear Bryant holds league and refs at his will
1963: Replay invented by CBS for the Army-Navy game... a nation thinks Roger Staubach scored two identical TDs in 25 seconds real time until explained otherwise
1965: Jim Jeffs becomes the first SEC ref to own a television. He reportedly used it twice.
1965: Referees start using cars to come to games rather than walking
1967: After missing a holding call against Alabama in the Auburn-Alabama game that lead to the game winning run, SEC refs are cited as the primary reason Cyprus declared independence from Greece.
1974: SEC refs agree that Nixon should have been pardoned
1978: SEC refs win Emmy for "Best Comedy Series"
1981: Referees start using "digital watches" instead of "difference between the current location and the zenith angle of the sun" to time games
1985: 80s megabands Tears for Fears and Men at Work collaborate on an album which donated its earnings to SEC refs whose houses were burned down by those with better vision/judgement
1992: LASIK eye surgery promises to fix vision for anyone with any type of vision loss
1992: SEC referees begin boycott LASIK eye surgery that lasts even today
1995: SEC refs vow to: "do better about the game and stuff"
1995: SEC refs give up on previous claim 3 minutes into the first game of the season
1999: US military looks into sending a cruise missile strike to the location of that which is causing the most pain to Americans collectively. They cannot find a centralized location for the SEC refs
2003: Swindle in the Swamp... the worst officiating of all time forever and ever (note that there is no youtube video for this game AT ALL) [Note from Iroquois: SitS was, unfortunately, not the fault of the SEC Refs. That officiating crew was Jack Childress and ACC Refs, who to this day are not allowed to referee games at BHGS.]
2006: Instant replay instituted in college football
2008: SEC refs finally understand that instant replay meant that they have to actually make a ruling on the play rather than just watch the instant replay
2009: Blood rains from the sky as SEC refs miss terrible game changing calls all year and it revealed they don't even use big screen HDTVs to review plays
2012: SEC refs get HDTVs in the booth
2012: Mayan Apocalypse kills everyone on Earth

Fixing your team's offense: College Edition

by Slate Quicksilver

We here at potlucksports make no bones about it, we are fans of a particular team located in North Central Florida in Alachua County located specifically at 29°39′55″N 82°20′10″W. Three of our staff were born, raised and educated as Gators. As most fans, we feel passionately about our team. This year has been a great year. We are 9-0, #1 in the country/BCS and we feature a defense that is so cold blooded that makes Jules Winnfield bow his head in respect. Yet the offense is less than stellar. This is point of contention, understand, and here is one person's list of recommendations to fix it.

Recommendation #1:
Tebow up the middle does NOT fool anyone anymore. People in Botswana know that if it is a short yardage situation, Tebow will be running up the middle in some variation. If Vanderbilt can stop you several times because they KNEW that play was coming, then let's assume that South Carolina, Florida State and especially Alabama will know it is coming and will stop it EVERY SINGLE TIME. All it takes is 2 of the D-Lineman to just fall down and create a traffic jam stopping him before he can go anywhere. It's not like you need a degree in advanced astrophysics to figure this out. Look, once in a while it is a smart and solid play. Tebow won't fumble the ball unless he is blasted with a shotgun full of rock salt or is concussed (Mickey Andrews will still be the DC at FSU... so this is not an implausible situation). That's cool. But our offense running the natural option on those plays... or a quick slant or out pattern would be lethal against a defense sitting and waiting for the run up the middle. So why not try it!?!?

Recommendation #2:
Remember this guy? Deonte Thompson? #6 in your program? We recruited him for speed. SO WHY AREN'T WE USING IT!?!?! He is faster than anyone covering him. No, he is not Percy Harvin who can stop on a dime, change direction and then not lose any speed. Harvin defied the law of conservation of energy... Thompson cannot. Yet, Deonte can burn any CB or S on him... so throw it deep! And not just deep, throw it mid-range as well. 10 yard corner routes, 15 yard square ins. Dan Mullen didn't steal the passing game part of the playbook on his way out the door, did he? Thompson will burn his defenders and become a legit deep threat if we just give it a try.

Recommendation #3:
Our offense is as conservative as this guy. In the many variations on the spread, on a scale from Nancy Pelosi to Bill Krystol, UF is Rush Limbaugh (ultra conservative), Texas Tech is John Kerry (ultra liberal), Michigan is Dennis Kucinich (extremely liberal but also ineffective), and Oregon is Barack Obama (more moderate than the republicans think and less liberal than the democrats want him to be but still a powerful force). UF needs to open the playbook, particularly in the redzone, to shake this problem. I love throwing to Aaron Hernandez too, but the TE screen is meant to be run maybe once a game. We need to throw the ball longer than 15 yards more than 3 or 4 times a game. I have routinely screamed at the TV that there are 9 men in the box EVEN THOUGH WE HAD 3 WRs ON THE FIELD!!!!!!!! Just open the playbook. That's all. We don't want to go back to spinner wheel from 2007 that picked which play we would use from a list of 4 plays. That was very true and very embarrassing.

Recommendation #4:
Hey, offensive line! Yeah, you guys. The big guys. Protect this guy. He is your quarterback, the offense revolves around him. Maybe he owes you money or something but I'm sure you can figure out an arrangement to let that go until the end of the season. He has been sacked far too many times this year. The pocket regularly collapses and then, of course, he decides to tuck the ball and run because that's how he rolls. It's not easy to block for a guy like him because he runs so much... I get that. But on important downs where you are passing, rip an opposing player's head off. Don't let them get in on this guy. Protect him and we will win.

Recommendation #5:
I know Jeff Demps and Chris Rainey are sick athletes. I know Emmanuel Moody is a bruising runner. But we need to run the ball less. In the NFL, running the ball wins the game. In college, not as much. It's a great problem to have: too many awesome running backs. But it's time to start throwing the ball more. Tebow hasn't thrown more than 26 passes in one game this year. It's time to let him throw more than 30 times. And not just against FIU, I mean in a real game. Throwing the ball on first down and second down is allowed. That myth was only created by Jim Tressel who also thinks that you can't have more than 5 WRs on the field at any one time.

Look, I know the offense doesn't have Harvin anymore. But Harvin also got injured regularly and the offense usually wouldn't miss a beat when he was out. So it's time to pick it up and get moving. Just take 3 of these recommendations and I know our offense will go back to being world beaters once again. As it stands, our offense will look pitiful against Alabama's crazy whirling dervish of death defense. Granted, our defense will stop their offense dead in its tracks, but I wouldn't feel safe putting a national championship birth on the betting table with this scenario.