On the Hilarity of the Possibility of College Football's Playoff

by Slate Quicksilver

We've been gone for almost 2 years, but it's worth mentioning that the 2nd to last and 6th to last involved some form of conference realignment.  It's almost like a time capsule.  We were prepping for the World Cup...  Brazil did not play England in the finals.  Stan Van Gundy was selling cars and weighing in on what he correctly thought would be an unpredictable 2010 finals between the Lakers and Celtics.  And we we're part of the conference apocalypse in the college football landscape: Four 16 team mega conferences were on the horizon.

We certainly weren't correct.  We nailed Colorado moving to the Pac10, we got Mizzou moving but not to the SEC.  TAMU was nothing but a fringe theory to the SEC because we thought they were inseparable from Texas, who we correctly thought weren't going anywhere (and didn't buy the Independent "no-conference" theory, either).  Nebraska was already rumored to be locked in to the Big10, but we also thought Pitt was going there along with Notre Dame and maybe a few others.  We definitely didn't see Pitt jumping to the ACC with Syracuse... though it makes sense.  And finally even in the most absurd thoughts, we never thought the TCU, Boise State and (lol) San Diego State would join the Big East.

Make no mistake, the whole alignment thing transcends the old geographic boundaries.  College football is no longer a regional sport.  Yes, it's hilarious that Boise State would be in a conference called the "Big East" but it's more because of semantics than logistics.  Airplanes, cell phones and hordes of scouts/coaches/"consultants" make college football a national game in that they can recruit players from anywhere across the nation just as easily as it is to send their players across the nation to play their new conference rivals.

All this realignment talk, however, is being put down at the moment by something that would be alter college football's landscape far more than anything like West Virginia moving to the Big12 (though, that does matter and we'll get to that soon).  The fact that it sounds like the BCS is dead, or at least dead in its current carnation, and its replacement could be earth-shattering.  Everyone except the BCS conference commissioners and a few very powerful university presidents has wanted the BCS deader than dead since forever ago.  We've had boondoggles (Auburn, 2004), revolts (Michigan, 2006), multiple hoodwinks (Boise State, 20XX) and outright robberies (LSU-'Bama 2011 part 2)... and that's just the National Championship game.  Let's also share a laugh in the automatic slaughtered lamb the Big East's slot inhabits, despite the fact that the conference is likely a well organized living art comedy joke not unlike the movie Borat wherein the comedy is really the reactions of the audience.  The BCS has been busted, there's no doubt about that, but we lived with it like a nasty cavity because there was literally nothing that could be done about.  Well, we finally have dental insurance.  The first thing we do?  Root canal, bitches.

The SEC and Big12 look like they'll be going to the prom with each other for the next couple of years.  The winners of each conference will play each other probably in the JerryDome in Dallas each year.  This will almost certainly leave the Big10 and Pac12 destined to keep playing each other out in the Rose Bowl.  The Big10 and its infatuation with the Rose Bowl is borderline stalker-esque and honestly we don't know how they would react if they lost it but it would probably involve a mixtape being made at first followed by incremental increases in stalking to point of kidnapping and then, well, this.  Presumably, the winner play each other in a national championship (/gasps... a real one!) and there we go:  a 4 team playoff.  But boy does that set a few people off.

The ACC will be none too pleased with that decision, but what can they do?.

The Big East will OK no cares about the big east (<- lost capitalization right) lololol.

The Mountain West becomes a second tier league to the Big12.

C-USA and the MAC may as well become D-2 schools.  Wait, they are D-1... right?

The WAC?  It died a few weeks back, honey, but thanks for asking and send your condolences C/O Robb Akey, Idaho.

Miami and Florida State?  Laughably irrelevant.  Wait... is it 2008 again?

Virginia Tech?  There's always some blue collared work to be done in the Virginia mountain country.

Boise State?  That's what you get for tying your horse to the anchor of an China bound export freighter.  (The thought of teams like USF, UCF and Connecticut being sent on a freighter to China is, for some reason, really really funny).

But the real loser in all of this is:  Notre Dame.  All of that talk about being independent of conferences and how it helps you and gets better exposure and blablablah...  how's that looking right now?  You didn't want to join any conference, and now it looks like the only way you can be relevant is to be part of a conference.  How funny is that?  Notre Dame's chickens could come home to roost and it will make them spectacularly irrelevant and finally truly leave them surrounded by the echoes of the past that they so desperately hold on to.

So, the College Football Playoff could turn out to be the most epic trolling of all time sports.  The big 4 get together and breathtakingly screw over everyone else:  particularly Notre Dame.  I'm 150% for it.

Though, let's get the name changed of the game between the SEC and Big12 potential championship game:  the "Champions Bowl."  That screams of the work of a bad marketing firm stuck in the 1980s.

Potluck Sports: The Epic Return

by Slate Quicksilver

So...

What's everyone been up to lately?

Yeah... cool.

Slate got married.  Iroquois finished his school learnin'.  Annie [REDACTED] Libya after [REDACTED] in South Ossentia.

A lot of sports happened.  I think a recap is in order, but we'll get to that when we are officially back on Monday.

We also have 3 new authors:
E-Z is going to cover the NBA.  He hates everything (especially Dwyane Wade), except for mid 90s throwback basketball references.

Robotastronaut is going to write about soccer.  When his hair is super short, he looks like Arjen Robben (though he is better at taking penalty kicks...)

Chief Wandering Bear is going to be the baseball guy.  Since he's a fan of the sputtering Detroit Tigers, he'll have a lot to say.

Slate, Iroquois and Annie will still be here writing about just about everything.

Oh yeah, food.

There will be more food posts.

To show there are no hard feelings, enjoy this picture:

So we'll be back on Monday, 5/21.  Tell your friends, family and blood rivals.

Fun With Numbers

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

And they say we can't count in the South because our book learnins are a bit slow.

Reports on conference realignment are now surfacing which state that Texas would prefer to remain as a member of a ten-team Big XII. It is, like most things, a financial decision: Texas could form its own network and pull down a cool $20-$25 mil in revenue from the TV alone. Chip Brown of Orangebloods.com has been absolutely fantastic in covering realignment, so if you need to catch yourself up, I will defer to him.

First things first: the Big XII commish Dan Beebe looks like a goon. He looks like a pasty and less fat Jared Fogle. Speaking of whom, I have no idea if that story in the Jared hyperlink is true, but I wouldn't be surprised. Apparently, for those who don't want to click what is essentially a celebrity gossip webpage, Mr. Fogle ran a pretty successful porno rental service while at IU. Go Hoosiers.

Second, no doubt easily picked up by our quick, clever, and attractive readers, the Big XII would have ten members and the Big Ten would have twelve members. Dopes.

Now, let's look at some real, honest-to-goodness analysis. Why, pray tell, is Texas all of a sudden willing to hold the XII together? Is it really just about the TV revenue? It very well could be. Before the XII, there was the Big 8 and the Southwestern Conference. Arkansas decided to take the SEC's offer to join. Yes, at one point, Arkansas held a decent seat of power in the college football world. Once Arky left, Texas was able to shore up its share and add more of the revenues by helping to hold the SWC together. Later on (3 years or so), Texas left the SWC, orchestrated a merger with the Big 8 and created the Big XII. If you're following present expansion closely enough, substitute Nebraska for Arkansas (Colorado is really irrelevant in the landscape of things here, except they have enabled the Pac 10 to make a run at Utah for a championship game) replace "leaving the SWC" with "threatening to leave the Big XII" and you have history repeating itself, complete with the attempt to keep the league together. Neat, huh?

Here's another thought which is not mutually exclusive with other scenarios, so it can be in play even if something else is. If Texas's plan is to join the Pac-10 all along, then trying to "hold the XII together" makes sense if A&M is truly set on joining the SEC. That way, Texas won't be the bad guy, y'see. They won't be the ones who break up the XII.

Or, nothing can happen. Like it actually did. Thanks, Internet, for going out and making my column dated before it posts!

2010 World Cup Group H Breakdown and Final Thoughts

by Slate Quicksilver

Group H rounds out this year’s version of the World Cup and frankly, it’s a little “blah.” Juggernaut Spain is the team on the marquee while Chile is glad to be back. Switzerland is still angry about their 2006 campaign and Honduras is just as surprised as you are that they are here. Let’s knock out this last group.

Chile

Chile disappeared from the world scene after 1998 thanks to tough luck qualifying and a lack of talent. This time around, they sent a resounding message that they are back, racking up 33 points in qualifying, missing the top spot by one point. This is something to be alerted to, as this team was the youngest of all CONMEBOL teams and it stole 16 of their points on the road. Scoring is rarely a problem for La Roja, especially with striker Humberto Suazo up front, who tore up the net 10 times in qualifying. Attacking and attacking this order, that means that the defense gets stretched. Playing teams like Switzerland and Spain, who can afford to sit and wait (Switzerland would prefer to wait), this could be an issue. In the end, we could see Chile hold their own against the Swiss and play Honduras in a shootout. But Spain will give them fits.

Honduras

If not for the fact that the US bailed them out with a late equalizing goal against Costa Rica, Honduras would have had to go to the playoff and may not have qualified. But that did happen, so Honduras is here. Qualifying saw them beat Mexico handily at home, which was good, but it also showed bad: a 1-1 draw in Trinidad almost killed their chances. Honduras has a few bullets in the gun to help them in Carlos Pavon and Wilson Palacios, of Tottenham fame. This team loves to play quick and loves to attack constantly. Like Chile, this leads to problems at the back. Getting out the group will be tough, but not completely impossible… it all depends on the game against Chile, which should be pretty fun to watch.

Spain

There isn’t much to say about Spain that hasn’t been said. They are the #2 team in the world and has only lost once in the last couple of years (to the US, oddly). They play the beautiful game that Brazil wishes they could play, they have all of the talent Italy and England wishes would play in their country’s leagues and they have the swagger a team like Germany or Argentina dreams of having. Spain is a favorite in this tournament by many, this author included. Spain eviscerated their opponents in qualifying winning all 10 games and only conceding 5 goals along the way. Picking one star on this team to watch is essentially spinning a wheel and picking whoever it lands on, so we’ll avoid that as it basically is an all star team. Spain will probably crush Honduras, beat Chile and maybe have a touch of trouble with the defensive minded Swiss, but this team will have no trouble getting through to the knockout stages.

Switzerland

Soccer is a game, like other games, wherein if a team does not give up a goal during a game, they should never lose. That is only slightly true as the Swiss did not concede a goal during the 2006 World Cup, yet they were knocked out of the tournament in the Round of 16 by the Ukraine (They lost on penalties). Thus, the Swiss are in South Africa looking to improve despite playing by the rules of the game. Qualifying was a bit of a rollercoaster: they started with a draw in Israel and a home defeat to Luxembourg for some reason but they would go on to win 5 in a row and they would win their group with a 0-0 draw with Israel at home. The Swiss do have a few solid players in Tranquillo Barnetta and Alexander Frei and they could do some damage. But the Swiss play a very slow and compressed version of the game. While this will give Honduras and Chile trouble, Spain will likely tear it apart with their short passing game.

Predicted Tables:
Spain 3-0-0
Chile 1-1-1
Switzerland 1-1-1
Honduras 0-3-0

So, whose going to win the whole thing? Here’s the Knockout stages as I see them:
Round of 16
France (A1) vs Nigeria (B2)…………………..Nigeria
Argentina (B1) vs Uruguay (A2)……………Argentina
England (C1) vs Ghana (D2)………………….England
Germany (D1) vs USA (C2)……………………Germany
Netherlands (E1) vs Paraguay (F2)……….Netherlands
Italy (F1) vs Denmark (E2)…………………….Denmark
Brazil (G1) vs Chile (H2)………………………..Brazil
Spain (H1) vs Portugal (G2)…………………..Spain
Quarterfinals
Nigeria vs Argentina………………………………Argentina
England vs Germany………………………………England
Netherlands vs Denmark………………………..Netherlands
Brazil vs Spain…………………………………………..Brazil
Semifinals
Argentina vs England………………………………..England
Netherlands vs Brazil….……………………………Brazil
Finals
England vs Brazil……………………………………..Brazil

Brazil is going win the whole thing, folks. Yes, it’s a very vanilla pick. But now that they’ve ditched the beautiful game aspect of their game and are playing seriously, they are going to torch this competition. I’m sticking to my guns with my former predictions, but I would like to make a few last minute flipflops and assertions:

France probably won’t go 3-0-0 in their group… their coach is insane.

Speaking of insane coaches, although I have Argentina going to the quarterfinals, but they just as easily could go nowhere. Maradona is like a monkey at the wheel of a Ferrari.

Brazil’s triumph and Spain’s fall will show that the beautiful game is dead.

Africa’s next world cup will ban the vuvuzela.

Nigeria will be Africa’s great hope because Ivory Coast will be at 80% health, Ghana is at 75% health, Cameroon is in a tough group and South Africa doesn’t stand a chance. Oh, and Algeria? Ha!

The US likely will beat Slovenia in a close game and will probably have more trouble than they should against Algeria. But realistically England will torch the US’s soft defense. If they go to the Round of 16, Germany will torch them even more.

2010 World Cup Group G Breakdown

By Slate Quicksilver

Without much argument, Group G is the group of death in this installment of the World Cup. Superpowers Brazil and Portugal are on top of this group going in, while African power Ivory Coast would probably look to easily qualify in any other group. Then there is the unknown quantity of the “Democratic People’s Republic” of Korea, or as you know it, the “Bad Korea.” No team is guaranteed to get out alive.

Brazil

Much has been made of the 180 degree turn around that the Brazilians have experienced these past four years. Not in terms of results (they are still a top 3 team in the world), but in terms of play. The beautiful game appears to be dead in Brazil. New coach Dunga stresses the physical defense and a murderous counterattack that has turned a Samba beat to a military drum corps. Certain players, Ronaldihno and Robinho, for example, were left off in favor of players who play into Dunga’s mold. Those players are world class, but are known to be ball hogs and perform needless fancy moves… thus they are gone. The country is now torn: some yearn for the old beautiful days, others believe this is an even stronger team. How Brazil performs at the 2010 World Cup will plot the path for the next generation of Brazilian superstars. Three goalless performances in front of the home crowd during qualifying lead to vicious headlines in hometown newspapers. But really, that was only a blip on the radar as the Selecao easily won the CONMEBOL group. When mentioning names, Kaka (hehe), Gilberto Silva and Luis Fabiano are the big names, but the applause should be reserved for the backline with Juan and Maicon. Those two defenders can breakdown any attack thrown their way with little trouble. Brazil opens against North Korea and finishes with Portugal. They probably will have already qualified by the time they get to the third game and probably won’t care about the game against Portugal. 1982 Germany-Austria Non Aggression Pact of Gijon part 2, anyone?

Ivory Coast

It was heartbreaking to see Didier Drogba, Ivory Coast’s golden child, go down in the last qualifier against Japan with a broken arm. In 2006 Drogba was able to go in front of cameras and get his country, on the brink of civil war, to come to end of hostilities. He would later secure a qualifying game in the northern (and considerably more dangerous) part of the country on rebel territory just to show to his own country that they are unified. He looks to build hospitals in his country and truly has a passion for it. In addition to being a world class person, he is a world class player. That’s why his injury is so disheartening. He might play, but there is no guarantee. Yes, it’s true that arms are not 100% necessary for this sport, it’s not like he is playing a throwaway game in Zimbabwe (terrible joke). The good news is that his fellow teammates are very very good as well. Salomon Kalou is a dangerous striker while Yaya Toure and Didier Zokora make up a potent midfield. Their backline, all of them, plays in Europe somewhere. The Ivory Coast easily qualified to the World Cup, so success looked imminent until they got placed in the group of death. Without Drogba, unfortunately, getting out of the group stage looks very unlikely.

North Korea:

In today’s world of instant knowledge and information being sent around the globe in half a second with television cameras and phone cameras everywhere, it’s rather funny that most people know absolutely nothing about North Korea’s soccer team. Geopolitics aside (frankly we don’t know much about the country itself, either), North Korea’s soccer team has seen a sharp rise in their stock. North Korea started qualifying at the complete bottom of Asian qualifying, unlike Australia or Japan who got byes out of the first couple of rounds. North Korea crushed Mongolia in the first round, got a bye for second round, came in second behind South Korea in the third round, and in the final round came in second (again) behind South Korea (again). Considering North Korea was seeded behind Kuwait and Uzbekistan while being only slightly ahead of Hong Kong (yes they have a team apparently) and Tajikistan (yes it's a country), this is a commendable accomplishment. Now they are rewarded by getting to play in the group of death. Defense is the word of the day (everyday) with the Chollima, and all things considered, they do a pretty good job. They tied Greece 2-2, so that’s good. I guess. They also have the “Wayne Rooney of Asia”, Jong Tae-Se. That’s about it in terms of knowledge on this team. So, will the Dear Leader be celebrating their team getting out of the group of death? Absolutely not. They are going to get run over.

Portugal:

Portugal was very close to complete embarrassment during qualifying. Denmark ran away with the group while Hungary looked solid enough to steal the second group sending Sweden and Portugal into the wilderness. But then Portugal slowly turned it on and got into second place behind the Danes. Portugal drew Bosnia and Herzegovina in the UEFA playoff and won 1-0 both times. That highlights, perhaps, the issue with Portugal. They had an easy qualifying group, but looked disinterested at times. A 3-2 loss at home to Denmark wherein the Danes scored all three goals in the last 10 minutes illustrates that fact. They finally got it together, but it took longer than expected. Well now they are in the group of death and will fight for their lives from start to finish. Cristiano Ronaldo is the highest paid player in the world, so expectations are high on him, but it is the backline where success is mandatory. The whole world knows that Portugal is a team that flops and acts as though they were shot in the knee with a shotgun any time they are challenged. Their midfielders fall down regularly against a stiff headwind hoping for to draw the yellow against the low pressure system in the region. They are, without a doubt, the slimiest players in this tournament… even more than the Italians… and we can only hope a meteor destroys their practice facility. (Ed note: Some of those last few sentences were unedited opinions made by Slate. He hates them with a passion. We’ll just go to the predicted tables.)

Predicted Tables:

Brazil 2-0-1

Portugal 1-1-1 (+2 GD)

Ivory Coast 1-1-1 (+1 GD)

North Korea 0-2-1

In Praise of the Chick-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Sandwich

Posted by Iroquois Plisken

Yesterday, the heralded Southern chicken franchise Chick-Fil-A unveiled their Spicy Chicken Sandwich. For those of you unfortunate enough to live outside of the range of these gods of the restaurant industry, first of all, fall to the floor and weep for your sake. Seriously. It's that good. However, you may also know them from the Peach Bowl or from the cow ads.

A brief overview: first, the chicken is soaked in what I believe to be a dill mixture, presumably to complement the pickles on the sandwich. Next, it's breaded and fried in a peanut oil, to 1) lower the cholesterol content and 2) make it taste like heaven. Finally, the sandwich is served on a buttery bun with two dill pickle chips. Then, you can sauce it however you want, with a traditional BBQ sauce, a Polynesian sauce, regular catsup, or you can go with the Chick-Fil-A sauce (renamed from the honey-roasted BBQ sauce, so that's the hint of what it tastes like there).

What makes this sandwich so special, you may ask? It's hard to put in words. Perhaps it is how the breading is light enough to where it doesn't interfere with the natural tastiness of the chicken. That's probably why the spicy sandwich works so well. Apparently, in this piece by the AJC, Chick-Fil-A has been working on this monstrosity for over five years. Clearly, this move has not been hastily considered, and with good reason. Customers (like myself) have been demanding this for many years and while a non-successful spicy sandwich would not be enough to stop me from going, it would be out-of-character for Chick-Fil-A to fail.

Anyhow, they've really been milking the publicity like it was some sort of debut from Apple. You could even reserve your sandwich online at www.getspicychicken.com. The closest I had ever come prior to making a reservation was telling my buddies to "save a sandwich for me" if everyone was going to get food. I did happen to get a reservation (seems like the blue hairs in my home town aren't too keen on eating at 1 PM) and here was how it went.

I walked in and I was shown to a table (in a typical fast food restaurant!) I sat down and was asked what I'd like to drink (a Coke Zero, please. Yes, I have no problem drinking beverages since banned in Venezuela). They then asked if I wanted the Spicy Regular sandwich or the Deluxe, with lettuce, tomato, and pepper jack cheese. Of course, I wanted fried. They bring out the meal, which consists of the sandwich, any sauce I wanted (I elected for Chick-Fil-A sauce), a side of cole slaw, and a sample of the peach milkshake. It gets consumed. They ask me how it was and I respond positively and ask for the bill. Turns out, if you made the reservation, it was FREE. That's right. F-R-E-E. Wouldn't even accept my gratuity.

The spice wasn't all too intense, but you know it was there. It would start out subtle and build ever so slowly. It shouldn't be enough to turn anyone away from it, unless you just can't handle heat in any fashion. My only complaint is that it's a bit salty. Clearly, Chick-Fil-A did all their homework in crafting a great recipe.

All in all, if you can get one, go and get it. You won't regret it. And yes, this is a slap to Slate because he can't acquire one. Take that.

NCAA Mega Conference Predictions: An Absurdist POV

by Slate Quicksilver

In case you missed it (and how could you if you've watched any more than 3 seconds of ESPN), the Pac10 is looking into absorbing what is effectively the Big12 south. This news came from so far out of the blue that scientists believe it originated in the ultraviolet part of the spectrum (/physics joke). The Pac10 wants Texas, Texas and Texas, but has to "settle" with taking the other Texas schools, minus Baylor (...maybe), Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Colorado. Colorado has been harped upon by the Pac10 for a while, and Texas is the jewel that the Pac10 has their eyes on. But the Texas state legislature, of all people, seem to be forcing Texas's cousins (TTech and TAMU) along with them. Oklahoma comes along, and brings Okie doke State just to appease rivalries' sake. Basically it all boils down to money, money and money and the Big12 might be in trouble. Let's not forget the Big10 is looking to yoink Nebraska, Mizzou and maybe possibly Rutgers. In the end, we could be looking for a merging into mega conferences to the point where the BCS turns into the WWF and we'll see Ohio State and Texas play for the Intercontinental Title in a cage match with a guest referee (Macho Man Randy Savage is attached for the first match).

Looking into the crystal ball, here is approximately what will happen:

Step 1: The Pac10 will absorb Texas, Texas Tech, Texas A&M, Colorado, Oklahoma and OK. State. Now the Pac10 is the Pac16.

Step 2: Not to be outdone, the Big10 decides to scoop up Nebraska, Missouri, Rutgers, Pittsburgh and... bom bom bommmmmmm... Notre Dame. The Big10 becomes the Big15, because they are mathematically challenged.

Step 3: The remaining bits and pieces of the Big12 (Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State and Baylor) all have a heartfelt meeting and decide to go their separate ways. The entire state of Kansas comes out and admits that basketball is really their sport and that they never liked football anyway and their teams will fold. Baylor follows suit, making their track team even better than it traditionally has been. Iowa State folds their football team but no one notices.

Step 4: The Big East, stung by their loss of Rutgers, folds up shop and decides that basketball is really their thing. There will be no more football from any of those schools and then they go and pluck Kansas and Kansas State up from the cold cold wilderness that they were cast out into. Iowa State and Baylor join C-USA.

Step 5: The SEC, sitting calmly the entire time, finally decides to strike back. But its a tactical nuclear strike of strikes. The SEC takes Miami, FSU, USF and Georgia Tech.

Step 6: The ACC, realizing that they just got punked similar to how they punked the Big East in the early part of the decade, tries to make amends with the Big East. The Big East laughs them off.

Step 7: The Mountain West and WAC merge. The BCS commissioners recommend that they join the Canadian Football League stating "it's the only way you'll be able to play for a championship."

Step 8: Congress tells the 3 superconferences to share revenue and let the smaller guys play. The 3 heads of the superconferences reply with: "Congress had made their decision. Now let them enforce it." They then start a political party.

Step 9: After only 2 months of campaigning and leading his team to a 11-2 record, Mack Brown is elected the 45th president of the U.S carrying every state containing a team from one of the 3 superconferences.

Step 10: Civil War

Step 11: After a protracted battle, the superconferences subdue the rebel states and sell them to Canada or Mexico.

Step 12: The NFL is disbanded as per the 29th Amendment to the Constitution. (#28: No excessive endzone celebrations)

Step 13: Using their incredible power and money, the superconferences use their new space program to build a giant space platform with which to destroy their enemies and enforce their laws and peace over their dominion. Only it's not a platform, its a sphere... a star, if you will.