GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR RETURNS

by Slate Quicksilver

He's back and more destructive than ever. GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR returned in full carnage and this time, it gets a touch personal.

For those of you keeping score at home, GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR was first seen on this site back in October creating a supernova, going back in time and destroying the Galileo spacecraft and annihilating the moon. Now, it looks as though he is back... this time with far deadlier consequences.

But let's look at it from GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's position. He was sleeping in a massive glacier, minding his own business, and then an ice breaker ship, who is there specifically to break up ice floes in the arctic winter, cracks the ice and wakes him up. I doubt you could say that GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR was overreacting when he summoned his Thundaga-class ELECTROHOCKEYSTICK from thin air and then slashed the ship into two pieces (73 good sailors went down with the ship) because they woke him up. You'd be pissed too!

Then the next logical thing, if you are GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR, is to jump into a fighter jet and slip on a badass pair of aviator sunglasses. What is most troubling to all living things in the universe is that clearly there is more than 1 GALACTOHOCKEYBEARs. In fact, there is a whole squadron of them. Although GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR does like to do the damage with his own paws, sometimes its more fun to let missiles do the trick. That's why Miami (OH) University gets destroyed. And Ohio State... well we can take a good guess why a few AGM-84 Maverick missiles landed there. Michigan State, specifically Spartan Stadium, got strafed as well proving that GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR was playing for keeps.

But then, a more logical thought process emerged. Why waste our time destroying solely the campuses of the CCHA conference schools, and just destroy the entire planet? Thus GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR 1 drops a nuke into a volcano creating a chain of events that would make Ernst Stavro Blofeld need to change his pants that culminated in the complete destruction of Earth.

The explosion, one of cataclysmic proportions, goes on to fling GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's jet at nearly the speed of the light and into a wormhole. The jet, unable to go as fast as it going, breaks up and GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR punches the eject and begins his final entry vector with his ELECTROHOCKEYSTICK blazing.

It finally all becomes clear. To get to the Carlson Center, in Fairbanks, Alaska, where GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's team plays, he needed to destroy the Earth to get to the terminal velocity to get him up to speed to activate the wormhole just to arrive at the Carlson Center just on time so he can bust through the roof (killing 18 people who were sucked out in the vacuum of space), take the puck at center ice, deke a few times and fire a shot at the net causing yet another explosion.

So to summarize: GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR kills about 6.5 billion people, but scored a goal.

With the college hockey regular season ending just recently, one can only imagine what GALACTOHOCKEYBEAR's encore will be.