Mastering the art of geography is just of my special skills. Being able to take an aerogyro from Siam to Bombay in order to take a steamer to Zanzibar to see the locals perform a regional celebration of the coming of the monsoon was the true reason for doing so, but the golden age of travel is over. No longer can I wear a smoking jacket and give an open palmed smack on the rump of a well endowed hostess in business class. Those days were magic. We can't even call them hostesses anymore, just "attendants."
As a result, I had to find other uses for the oldest subject in the books. In doing so, I have found a spatial-temporal consistency (scary way of saying: "pattern") in the completely stupidity going on in a 100 mile radius centered in south-central Michigan.
Enjoy.
Gold = Notre Dame
Dark Blue = Michigan
Green = Michigan State
Red = Central Michigan
Blue = Grand Valley State (D2)
What do those five schools have in common? A great deal. Watch and learn.
Notre Dame, in case you didn't know this, is looking for a head coach. Who are they looking for? Well the short list looked like Jim Harbaugh (Stanford), Brian Kelly (Cincinnati), Randy Edsall (Connecticut) and maybe... but probably not... Tommy Tuberville (ESPNU). Most sources indicate that it will be Brian Kelly. Kelly has a large contract waiting for him in South Bend as well as a formerly amazing coaching gig. It sounds like the decision is his.
But let's look a little deeper. Brian Kelly is at Cincinnati. He took over their in 2006 after Mark Dantonio left the Bearcats for Michigan State due to the vacancy left by the completely terrible John L. Smith regime. Smith was once quoted as saying: "There is no way a coach can ever (know everything about) their team. The coach who knows more about what's going on usually wins a game (but not always)." Dantonio proceeded to sort of, almost, kinda maybe turn the Spartans around. At least now they make bowl games. Brian Kelly left Central Michigan to go to Cincinnati. While there, Kelly turned CMU from a perennial doormat in the MAC to a MAC powerhouse and recruited Dan Lefevour who is a pretty legit QB.
Stupid thing number #1: Michigan State didn't take Brian Kelly in 2006. MSU is better, there is no questioning that. They have made a bowl game every year with Dantonio at the helm including this year which was heart-stompingly miserable. But Brian Kelly has seen far more success with a BCS bowl win and a second birth this year. Kelly is using Dantonio's recruits as well as his own studs (Mardy Gilyard among others...) whereas Dantonio has been getting crushed in recruiting by his instate rival and the other Big Ten schools and hasn't shaken the "Oh-No Sparty game" curse that has been there since the mid 90s.
Moving forward we look at Michigan. The rumblings calling for Lloyd Carr's head began in 2006, the same year Brian Kelly and Mark Dantonio were available. Those two like playing the ball control offense that the Michigan fan base loves. Instead they held on for one more year and faced the embarrassment of losing to Appalachian State. Now Rich Rodriguez is there running his wacky spread offense rather unsuccessfully. When hiring Rodriguez, Michigan did look at Kelly. They also looked at Jim Harbaugh, who played at Michigan.
Stupid thing #2: Michigan snubs Jim Harbaugh and Brian Kelly. Now they are locked in with a guy who smashed all of their proud traditions and brought in an NCAA investigation. Oh, and he is 8-16 in his tenure there. 8 wins and 16 losses. This goes on while Jim Harbaugh has reinvigorated Stanford and Brian Kelly made Cincy an actual legit team and the only powerhouse in the Big East.
Here's where it gets even stupider.
Stupid thing #3: MSU doesn't jump on Kelly before anyone else. Michigan State (and to a lesser extent, Michigan) had an opportunity to take Brian Kelly even before he went to Central Michigan, when he was about to Grand Valley State, a Division 3 school in Grand Rapids, Michigan. In his 13 years at GVSU, Kelly was 118-35-2. In 2002, Kelly won GVSU its first D2 national championship. MSU could have extended an invitation... but no. They took John L. Smith in so that he could completely wipe that program off the map for a few years. What did Kelly do in 2003? He won a second championship. That's when he went to Central Michigan who was 1-11 the year before they hired him.
CMU was disgusting before Mr. Kelly took over. His first year wasn't too solid. 4-7 is hardly a good record, but when you were 1-11, that's a solid job. Next year they were 6-5 and in 2005 they went 9-4, won the MAC championship and Cincinnati jumped out of its shoes to get him. He didn't even coach their upcoming bowl game.
Now to the present time. Cincinnati has won its second outright Big East crown in a row and will go on to play Florida in the Sugar Bowl. Cincy is no longer an "also-ran" thanks to him. Notre Dame is about to fly a helicopter over the Kelly household dropping money until he finally submits and goes there to coach. How much? At least a doubling from 1.5 million to 3 million, but ND appears to really have it in for him, so we could see a pocketbook buster of a paycheck coming his way. Funny... why?
Stupid thing #4: Notre Dame in 2003 was getting sick of Ty Willingham. They only reached the Gator Bowl that year. Who was reaching his first apex at that time? The guy they are about to pay enough money that only a forklift will be able to carry his check: Brian Kelly.
So let's finish by talking about how each team is doing:
Notre Dame: Crashing and burning. They have gone from powerhouse to irrelevant in only one decade. They are about to pay an exorbitant amount of money to a guy they had a shot at years ago. However do not weep for them. Instead laugh and point. It's far more fun.
Michigan: Apocalypse. They went from a guaranteed 9 wins a year to finishing last in the BigTen. Clearly this was Icarus flying too close to the sun, and the coach they have now is already chasing off headhunters despite the fact that they could have had any number of other coaches who could have held the tradition strong.
Michigan State: Good, not great. Despite their recent problem with going to dorms and randomly fighting people MSU is not as bad as they were under John L. Smith. However, like Michigan and Notre Dame, they hired the wrong guy. This author argues that they are in the right direction, but going from 9 to 6 wins doesn't back that up... however 2 years is not a good sample size.
Central Michigan: Excellent. Like most small conference teams, turnover can be volatile and painful. But right now, CMU is the cream of the MAC crop and if not for the fact they are stuck going to the crappy GMAC bowl, they would have a chance to play a legit team. In fact, they are #25 in the AP poll. Good for them.
Grand Valley State: Ridiculously good. As mentioned before, Brian Kelly turned this team in to a dominant force. And it keeps on rolling. On December the 12th, GVSU will play for the D3 championship. Don't laugh. D3 is probably the hardest of all because you can't give out as many scholarships and the quality of your athlete is not exactly what it would be in the upper divisions. This is not meant to be elitist and in fact is praise. For a team to stay as strong as it has been (for the last nearly 20 years...) with these limitations, obviously something must be right.
So what's the lesson? In the stupidity dome, the bigger your program, the worse off you are!
Notre Dame is in ditch covered in gasoline and on fire. Michigan is currently having involuntary surgery but will probably survive. Michigan State has at least plugged most of the holes in the dyke but has several more to go. Central Michigan is reaping the benefits of being a small conference power. Grand Valley State is an ass kicking juggernaut and has been so for the last 20 years and the only reason you've never heard of them is because they play D3 football in Michigan.
Notre Dame, in case you didn't know this, is looking for a head coach. Who are they looking for? Well the short list looked like Jim Harbaugh (Stanford), Brian Kelly (Cincinnati), Randy Edsall (Connecticut) and maybe... but probably not... Tommy Tuberville (ESPNU). Most sources indicate that it will be Brian Kelly. Kelly has a large contract waiting for him in South Bend as well as a formerly amazing coaching gig. It sounds like the decision is his.
But let's look a little deeper. Brian Kelly is at Cincinnati. He took over their in 2006 after Mark Dantonio left the Bearcats for Michigan State due to the vacancy left by the completely terrible John L. Smith regime. Smith was once quoted as saying: "There is no way a coach can ever (know everything about) their team. The coach who knows more about what's going on usually wins a game (but not always)." Dantonio proceeded to sort of, almost, kinda maybe turn the Spartans around. At least now they make bowl games. Brian Kelly left Central Michigan to go to Cincinnati. While there, Kelly turned CMU from a perennial doormat in the MAC to a MAC powerhouse and recruited Dan Lefevour who is a pretty legit QB.
Stupid thing number #1: Michigan State didn't take Brian Kelly in 2006. MSU is better, there is no questioning that. They have made a bowl game every year with Dantonio at the helm including this year which was heart-stompingly miserable. But Brian Kelly has seen far more success with a BCS bowl win and a second birth this year. Kelly is using Dantonio's recruits as well as his own studs (Mardy Gilyard among others...) whereas Dantonio has been getting crushed in recruiting by his instate rival and the other Big Ten schools and hasn't shaken the "Oh-No Sparty game" curse that has been there since the mid 90s.
Moving forward we look at Michigan. The rumblings calling for Lloyd Carr's head began in 2006, the same year Brian Kelly and Mark Dantonio were available. Those two like playing the ball control offense that the Michigan fan base loves. Instead they held on for one more year and faced the embarrassment of losing to Appalachian State. Now Rich Rodriguez is there running his wacky spread offense rather unsuccessfully. When hiring Rodriguez, Michigan did look at Kelly. They also looked at Jim Harbaugh, who played at Michigan.
Stupid thing #2: Michigan snubs Jim Harbaugh and Brian Kelly. Now they are locked in with a guy who smashed all of their proud traditions and brought in an NCAA investigation. Oh, and he is 8-16 in his tenure there. 8 wins and 16 losses. This goes on while Jim Harbaugh has reinvigorated Stanford and Brian Kelly made Cincy an actual legit team and the only powerhouse in the Big East.
Here's where it gets even stupider.
Stupid thing #3: MSU doesn't jump on Kelly before anyone else. Michigan State (and to a lesser extent, Michigan) had an opportunity to take Brian Kelly even before he went to Central Michigan, when he was about to Grand Valley State, a Division 3 school in Grand Rapids, Michigan. In his 13 years at GVSU, Kelly was 118-35-2. In 2002, Kelly won GVSU its first D2 national championship. MSU could have extended an invitation... but no. They took John L. Smith in so that he could completely wipe that program off the map for a few years. What did Kelly do in 2003? He won a second championship. That's when he went to Central Michigan who was 1-11 the year before they hired him.
CMU was disgusting before Mr. Kelly took over. His first year wasn't too solid. 4-7 is hardly a good record, but when you were 1-11, that's a solid job. Next year they were 6-5 and in 2005 they went 9-4, won the MAC championship and Cincinnati jumped out of its shoes to get him. He didn't even coach their upcoming bowl game.
Now to the present time. Cincinnati has won its second outright Big East crown in a row and will go on to play Florida in the Sugar Bowl. Cincy is no longer an "also-ran" thanks to him. Notre Dame is about to fly a helicopter over the Kelly household dropping money until he finally submits and goes there to coach. How much? At least a doubling from 1.5 million to 3 million, but ND appears to really have it in for him, so we could see a pocketbook buster of a paycheck coming his way. Funny... why?
Stupid thing #4: Notre Dame in 2003 was getting sick of Ty Willingham. They only reached the Gator Bowl that year. Who was reaching his first apex at that time? The guy they are about to pay enough money that only a forklift will be able to carry his check: Brian Kelly.
So let's finish by talking about how each team is doing:
Notre Dame: Crashing and burning. They have gone from powerhouse to irrelevant in only one decade. They are about to pay an exorbitant amount of money to a guy they had a shot at years ago. However do not weep for them. Instead laugh and point. It's far more fun.
Michigan: Apocalypse. They went from a guaranteed 9 wins a year to finishing last in the BigTen. Clearly this was Icarus flying too close to the sun, and the coach they have now is already chasing off headhunters despite the fact that they could have had any number of other coaches who could have held the tradition strong.
Michigan State: Good, not great. Despite their recent problem with going to dorms and randomly fighting people MSU is not as bad as they were under John L. Smith. However, like Michigan and Notre Dame, they hired the wrong guy. This author argues that they are in the right direction, but going from 9 to 6 wins doesn't back that up... however 2 years is not a good sample size.
Central Michigan: Excellent. Like most small conference teams, turnover can be volatile and painful. But right now, CMU is the cream of the MAC crop and if not for the fact they are stuck going to the crappy GMAC bowl, they would have a chance to play a legit team. In fact, they are #25 in the AP poll. Good for them.
Grand Valley State: Ridiculously good. As mentioned before, Brian Kelly turned this team in to a dominant force. And it keeps on rolling. On December the 12th, GVSU will play for the D3 championship. Don't laugh. D3 is probably the hardest of all because you can't give out as many scholarships and the quality of your athlete is not exactly what it would be in the upper divisions. This is not meant to be elitist and in fact is praise. For a team to stay as strong as it has been (for the last nearly 20 years...) with these limitations, obviously something must be right.
So what's the lesson? In the stupidity dome, the bigger your program, the worse off you are!
Notre Dame is in ditch covered in gasoline and on fire. Michigan is currently having involuntary surgery but will probably survive. Michigan State has at least plugged most of the holes in the dyke but has several more to go. Central Michigan is reaping the benefits of being a small conference power. Grand Valley State is an ass kicking juggernaut and has been so for the last 20 years and the only reason you've never heard of them is because they play D3 football in Michigan.
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