Final Word for College Football Week 12

by Slate Quicksilver

Like Les Miles and timeouts, I just assumed that this Final Word column would post itself. ZING! Thanks you've been a great audience. Try the veal and don't forget to tip your wait staff, they are the true heroes here.

(1) Florida strapped FIU a parachute full of dynamite and pushed them out of a plane over the North Atlantic Ocean. Florida hit the 42 point mark and out came Tebow, which was slightly disappointing. Leaving Tebow until 50 would have gotten him another 2 TDs and another 150 total yards. It seems that Urban Meyer, who clearly lets Tebow do whatever he wants, has decided that Tebow's second Heisman is not a necessity.

(2) Alabama, in an effort to one-up UF, played a D2 school (Chattanooga). "If you can play a bad team, we can play a really bad team!" exclaimed Nick Saban. As Florida did with FIU, 'Bama eviscerated their opponent with a cool and efficient demeanor.

(3) Texas blew up Kansas thus enraging Mark Mangino that much more. Finding out about Mangino's rage issues is rather funny because now we can draw comparisons between the spherical coach and Dr. Robotnik, of the Sonic the Hedgehog series.

(4) TCU is now 11-0 and is a lock for a BCS bid. It is this one's opinion that TCU will play in the Sugar Bowl. Frankly if they play my team, which is quite possible, things will be very very interesting. By interesting I mean a low scoring slugfest.

(6) Boise State obliterated Utah State. Related to the last team: Boise State is a lock for a BCS bowl... probably the Fiesta Bowl. This is because the Pac10, BigXII, Big East and ACC truly only deserve 1 team.

The rest of the Top 25:

Ole Miss and Father Time defeated (8) LSU, which guarantees the loser of the UF/Alabama game a spot in the Sugar Bowl. The time issue was just pure boneheadedness. Apparently the refs didn't hear or see him or his staff. The egg is on Les Miles face, though. How you can just assume the refs will call timeout while the clock is running out is really confusing. Anyway, Iroquois pointed out a few things on the Les Miles situation. Read that if you want a better breakdown.

(10) Ohio State beat Michigan in a boring and terrible game. Frankly, Michigan should have won had they not thrown eleventy billion INTs. The fact that Michigan even kept the game close is proof that Ohio State is not worth their ranking. The Terrelle Pryor Overrated Watch sponsored by Dr. Pepper has been raised from "Styx (the band)" to "Dan Brown (the author)." This is due to a miserable day at QB and just generally weighing down the entire Buckeye offense for an entire season.

(11) Oregon got by Arizona by the skin of their teeth in double OT. That's what Arizona fans get for jumping on to the field with time still on the clock. They leave the stands, got on the field and waited for a victory that was snatched from them thanks to Jeremiah Masoli and Ed Dickson being cool M-F-ers.

(12) Oklahoma State edged Colorado on Thursday. Losing to the Buffaloes would have been eternally embarrassing seeing as how this is OK State's only chance to actually say with validation that they are better than Oklahoma.

(13) Iowa blanked Minnesota 12-0 in a game that will be played in Guantanamo Bay as an "advanced interrogation technique" to be used on terror suspects.

(14) Penn State was locked in a 7-7 tie at the half against Michigan State. PSU then put up a 28 spot in the 3rd quarter whereas MSU didn't leave the locker room. Being a conscientious observer only works for war, Sparty.

(15) Virginia Tech brutalized North Carolina State, thus ending the Wolfpack's bowl chances. I remember at the beginning of the season that some people liked NC State's chances as an ACC dark horse. That worked out well.

Northwestern kicked (16) WisCANsin in the pants. Northwestern is quietly 8-4.

California clipped (17) Stanford in the big game. No bands were on the field this time, just disappointment for the Cardinal and Tiger Woods.

(19) Oregon State smashed Washington State and can still make it to the Rose Bowl if they beat Oregon in the Civil War game.

(20) Miami needed a late flurry to beat... Duke? Am I reading that correctly? Yes, I am.

(21) Utah destroyed San Diego State by scoring all 38 points before halftime.

(22) BYU beat Air Force and Max Hall set the BYU all time wins record. This record eclipses such giants (no sarcasm here) as Steve Young and Ty Detmer.

(23) Clemson bought their tickets to the ACC championship game to play Georgia Tech again by beating Virginia.

(24) Houston crushed Memphis with Case Keenum throwing for another 5 TDs.

(25) Rutgers beat Syracuse. Wait no, other way around. Syracuse beat Rutgers? That seems wrong, but I read it on the internet, so it must be true. OK. Syracuse over Rutgers. The biggest win of the Greg Paulus era.

The rest of everything that matters:
It took 11 weeks for FSU to get bowl eligible by beating Maryland. North Carolina shut down Boston College's offense. Texas Tech smacked Oklahoma around... is Sam Bradford that valuable? Mizzou defeated Iowa State in a game approximately 18 people cared about. Texas A&M got bowl eligible just in time (they play Texas in their last game) as they beat Baylor. Nebraska locked up the Big XII North with a win over K-State. USF downed Louisville. UConn beat Notre Dame in overtime (Charlie Weis is soooooo fired). Purdue ended it season with a win over Indiana. Army beat North Texas... they need to beat Navy to go to a bowl. UCLA clotheslined Arizona State to get to a bowl. Arkansas whooped Mississippi State. Tennessee is bowl eligible after beating Vandy (OMG LANE KIFFIN IS TEH BEST COACH EVAR!). And, finally, Georgia blew a 20-6 halftime lead to lose to Kentucky who is guaranteed to finish better than Georgia in the SEC East for the first time in a brazilian years.