Stupidity in Spades

by Slate Quicksilver

We missed a great in the month we took off. Anything is game in this opening salvo, but of all the things that occurred during our brief hiatus, nothing was more blatantly stupid than the whole uproar about Ben Roethlisberger. Nothing. Not the people who thought Tiger Woods's poor play was due to him not getting enough endorphins to his brain from less sex, not the NCAA basketball people flipping the general public and their mid majors the finger by increasing the field not to 96, but to 68... not even the return of Pacman Jones to the Bengals, who are clearly bored with winning... nothing has been as low grade, low frequency, single digit, abjectly asinine (good word) than what he has done and how the public has responded.

Sports Illustrated just pumped out a story that filled the front page and about 6 pages in the back of their latest issue trying to sum the whole thing up and perform a Sherlock Holmes-ian point by point breakdown to finger the culprit. Other sports outlets ranging from local talk show hosts to world-wide leaders in sports to tmz/sports blogs have exploded with coverage. By the night that Commissioner Goodell brought down the suspension, it wasn't just ESPN bringing you coverage, every news outlet in America was on it and even the BBC was covering the news.

The icing on all of those cakes came in the form of an article with a so many clueless stabs written under the guise of what people who think they are smart go crazy for: SCIENCE. I, for one, love science. Science is awesome. But there are some instances where science cannot explain things. No, I'm not talking about ghosts or aliens or God appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich in Tupelo, Mississippi. Science can explain those things easily. I'm talking about being unable to explain why a successful, young and rich and privileged person would turn into a douchenozzle of epic proportions. Science can't explain that.

A comparison to this can be found in the world of "Natural Cures." This guy, individually, has made a fortune beyond any of our wildest dreams preying not on the stupid, but on the semi-intelligent, by giving you half facts and circular logic to make you think that herpes can be cured with seaweed extract. The placebo effect is his lifeblood. Although I have an axe to grind with this guy (certain grandparents of mine spend half of their fixed income on his books and "cures" but are just as bad off health wise as they would be without him), he is the best comparison to someone trying to use SCIENCE to link a guy's poor behavior decisions.

Using the logic of "Guy gets in accident without helmet" + "Guy turns out to be a bit of a prick" + "Guy gets in trouble" + "Potential frontal lobe injury from accident" + "Frontal lobe injuries can lead to behavior swings", our wonderful author says that Big Ben has gone wild because of his head injuries. Correlation, in his world, does imply causation much to every statistician, scientist, lawyer and economist's chagrin.

What is the worst of all of this is that he brings in a doctor to explain it. A neurosurgeon, to be specific. The good doctor explains that frontal lobe injuries can cause issues because that's the part of the brain where the "decision center" is. "A person with damage might not read the intentions of a woman at a bar very well, for example," Grafman says. "They might succumb to more primitive urges instead of saying, 'I shouldn't do this because it affects my career.'" This attempt to legitimize his claims by having a doctor say something that backs him up makes the almost smart person jump out and think "Hey! I know things too! I know what a frontal lobe is, this is interesting. I will read on because I am getting smarter!" So now we have what is a stab in the dark claim backed up with words that don't mean much: "They might succumb..." Just like the snake oil salesman who makes you think that eating portobello mushrooms reduces your chance of kidney failure, a stab in the dark is made and the reader/viewer is the one who decides "Is that legit?" Having a doctor say something backing it up, that must make it seem legit (0:18 mark).

In the end, the article tries to link the accident to his behaviors. What it doesn't do is what many other articles, posts and tv segments dont do: blame it on him! Brain injuries, entitlement and being young and rich are all things that are blamed. I will add one more thing to that list. The dude needs to grow up. That's all. There is a whole class of gentlemen who are between 20 and 30 who would basically do the same exact thing that the QB for the Pittsburgh Steelers would: go nuts. It's about not wanting to grow up. It's about having the disposable income and lots of time on your hand. It's because you are athletic, have money and fame and having those things will have women throwing themselves at you anytime and anywhere... and knowing it. That's what it's about. The fact that this doesn't happen more is surprising. And the fact that it is a two time Super Bowl winning QB makes it bigger than it probably should be.

He doesn't need to be suspended and he doesn't need to go to "rehab" or seek "counseling." He needs someone to whack him upside the head and say "Look Asshat, you have the life billions would kill for. You are pissing it away trying to hit on college girls. Go find one girl who won't care if it's an open relationship and for God's sake if you get drunk, do it at home." That's what he needs and nothing more.