World Cup World Cup World Cup

by Slate Quicksilver

In case you either haven't been watching ESPN in the last year or are like most other Americans, who have anti-soccer logic bias brainchips implanted in their lower cerebellums, the 2010 World Cup from South Africa is about to start in less than one month. July 11th was house the first game: South Africa versus Mexico. From there, world class soccer take place on for an entire month gripping the entire world in a real life human drama that transcends all racial, economic and political boundaries which... blablabla... is generally regarded as the world's biggest sporting event.

Thus I feel it necessary to talk to my American brethren about a few things we need to talk about to clear the air. I will respond to comments made by friends of mine who are not exactly fans of the beautiful game.

Concern #1: "Hey! Beating teams like Guatemala and El Salvador is good! They are Mexican, so they must be good at soccer! But then we go to the World Cup and we do terrible!"

Long Answer: First off, your lack of geographic knowledge is terrible. Watching the World Cup may teach you that yes, China and Japan are different countries and no, everybody who speaks Spanish is not Mexican. Secondly, we qualify by playing only teams in North and Central America (and the Caribbean). That includes teams like Belize, Haiti, Barbados, Bermuda and Montserrat. Yes, Montserrat, that island country that was turned into a fiery hellscape by a volcano that consumed more than half of the island. Yeah, they have a team too. Over in Europe, teams like England had to get through Croatia (ranked #9 in the world) and the Ukraine (ranked #25 in the world) to qualify. The US had to get through Trinidad and Tobago (ranked #91 in the world).

Short Answer: Our qualifying conference is the Sun Belt. Europe is the SEC. South America is the BigXII.

Concern #2: "Soccer is boring."

Long Answer: We all can agree that playoff hockey is about 50000x better than regular season hockey. This is because players are incredibly motivated. The game is faster, passes are crisper, hits are harder and mistakes are magnified so much more than a throwaway game in Nashville in December. World Cup games are played at the highest level of the game you will ever see. Players are playing not just for the pride of their nation, not just for the fact that for some players this is their only shot to prove to the world that they don't deserve to be stuck in playing in the Faroe Islands B League... they are playing because there is no bigger stage. The human drama that unfolds is incredible. Countries most would only here of in 7th grade geography become glorified when they win and countries who are dominant powers are shamed when they are taken down. And forget it when you have country-country drama. When Senegal beat defending champs France in 2002, it was an memorable moment. But then, it was the same Senegal who was under brutal French Colonial rule for centuries, which made the scenario even more earth shattering moment. And hello, the US is playing England to start our campaign on June 12.

Short Answer: International Soccer is 1000000x better than just about any other form of the game.

Concern #3: "I will only watch if we do good."

Long Answer: That could happen. Our team has looked good in qualifying, despite a few bumps, and we almost won the Confederations Cup. We beat former #1 in the world Spain soundly, and then we fought Brazil to a standing eight count until the last 25 minutes. Our team has finally embraced the international game, rather than our old style. **ALERT ALERT ALERT REAL SOCCER BREAKDOWN COMING IN 3... 2... 1...*** Our country has seen a shift in our players. We are sending more and more players overseas. That is a good thing. Learning to play in the British, German, Spanish, French and Portuguese leagues is positively fantastic for our players. As such, we have dumped the old style that we used to play: a slow build-up with players executing exact plays with little individualism. Think wishbone option football from the 1950s. We have now embraced the world scene's style of creativity, individualism and playing more physically. That means we aren't just putting our behemoths on defense and our speedsters at striker. We are playing a more open offensive style that attacks rather than a reactionary counterattack "offense" that requires other teams to make mistakes for us to capitalize. That old style worked fine against the likes of Haiti and Panama, meaning we would qualify, but against teams like the Netherlands, who do not make mistakes, we would get torched repeated. Anyway, our defense is strong and seasoned. Our offense is lead by a few world class players. Success isn't just possible, it is expected.

Short Answer: We are ranked #14 in world right now.

In the coming weeks I will run you through previews of each group and each team. The day before the tournament starts, predicted will be wildly thrown around.