This is an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. In case you're unfamiliar with Stan's work, here's a clip. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.
Hello again, folks. It's your old pal, Stan, back with a wildly popular offer to make you a deal on an auto-mo-bile, along with a brief comment about the NBA. It's been a little while since I have been able to talk shop (both auto and basketball) with you, and so I'm making today extra special with a deal you won't be able to refuse. What's that, you say? You already have a fine auto? Well, let me assure you that you'll have another fine auto in a matter of minutes!
Here it is: I'll sell you a 1971 (vintage!) Ford Pinto for a mere $500. Wow, what a deal! This might raise some suspicions for you older folks, so I'm not talkin' to you. But, KIDS! A car for $500! You can use it to cruise, to go buy booze, and take a snooze (just don't drink and drive because when you do we all LOSE!). Why today's discussion of the Pinto? Well, one of the Pinto's "unique features" is the gas-tank placement, which is just a flaw that might surface after a simple rear-ending turned explosion. No big deal. So, today's article features a couple of teams who have engines that are decent enough (the players), but have the gas tanks (coaches) in bad spots.
Portland Trail Blazers - This team is returning a ton of talent, and there's really nothing wrong with Coach McMillan, per se. I think the guy's team is just snake-bitten. Greg Oden goes down again! Maybe he should have stuck to dentistry. It's too early to give up on 'em, though. Losing Oden ought to allow Portland to gun a little more and they've got a fine PG in Andre Miller who isn't afraid to dish and Brandon Roy, a guy ready to take over games. They aren't "Found On Road Dead" yet!
Denver Nuggets - "STAN! YOU JACKASS! Are you paying attention to what you're saying? You just picked the top two teams from the same division!" I know, I know, but listen, folks. The Nuggets are too talented to drop the games they have. George is a good coach; he gets a lot of mileage with his tough discipline standards. He's also got one of the best engines (Melo), an efficient fuel-distribution system (Billups), tough steel exterior (Nene), and a bit of turbocharge (J.R. Smith). In other words, everything you've come to expect from Ford that is present in the Pinto! See what I'm sayin?
Unfortunately, Karl and I operate the same way; we tell it like it is. Your pal Stan wouldn't sell ya a bum car, right? Well, George may be simply adding premium fuel when it isn't needed. Teams usually chafe under Karl's administrations because it's all-go, all the time, just like you when you turn on the Pinto and hit the open road. Showmanship, baby. Flash. PIZAZZ. It looks like a cramped Plymouth Duster and is a hell of a lot more affordable. So, if it looks like one, it's gotta act like one, right? This is my way of sayin' to George: ease up a bit. Don't grind that clutch all the way up just yet, my man.
Chicago Bulls - Chicago's got a lot going for it: easy division outside of the big dog, huge talent on paper, and a Luke Wilson like coach. But, man, does this tank explode when a little bit of pressure is applied. Mr. Of The Black, when questioned about his coaching decisions from the flies in the media, responded like a teenaged girl. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME! NOBODY 'GETS' ME." and all that hoo-ha. Vinny, baby! Gotta keep it composed! Do you think Ford execs shriveled up when they decided that it was cheaper to settle with decedents instead of fixing the Pintos? No way. They showed a lot of moxie. You got a lot of goodwill last year for having one of the most memorable first round playoff series ever, if not the most memorable. Don't cash in your union-concession and Model T era past goodwill just yet! This team responds to you--withstand a few bumps and persevere, not explode.
Los Angeles Clippers - These jokers are the reason for the column. Sure, Blake Griffin's knee got hurt--very unfortunate. Every car's got its problems, though. But, boy, if there isn't another team in the land whose tanks consistently run on E because of boneheaded coaching decisions this side of Zeke Thomas. They've got some talent, believe it or else. Camby's a warrior who shows up to play, when he doesn't have a terminal hangnail. Eric Gordon might have the sweetest stroke since a young Ray Allen.
It seems like the sheen of that magical 2005 playoff run for the Clip Joint is completely gone. It's not easy to shake a reputation. Once the Pinto got tabbed as "potentially explosive", an ambiguous term AT BEST, it just wasn't the same and Ford had to pull it. Listen, boys, you're driving a stallion at speeds in excess of 60 mph. You're already takin' some risk. It just makes every day a little more enjoyable when you make it through!
That's all for today, folks. Here at SVGs, it's a Chrysler Christmas, where we're slashing prices on all our inventory but ESPEICALLY Chryslers! None of the proceeds from sales will go to any sort of charitable organization but there will be some on hand if you want to pass our savings onto them! Remember, at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. If you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAYYY too much.
Bravo! Well done! Had to laugh out loud several times.
ReplyDelete/sent to everyone in house