By Slate Quicksilver

It can be reasonable inferred by any human being with two properly functioning ears that song Kenny Chesney wrote and performed for ESPN's college football telecasts is a musical abomination. The views of country music with regards to the authors for this site run the gamut from "ambivalent" to "DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE." But it depends on where you grew up, what you listened to growing up, what your parents listened to and several other influences. I, myself, am in the "DIE DIE DIE" category. Butthat is because where and when I grew up, it was all about 70s rock, Weird Al Yankovic and classical music. I could point to any of 5 million reasons why country music sucks and a fan of said music could perhaps give me 5 million reasons why it is awesome. We would be at an impasse, then agree that techno music sucks and be on with our lives.

If I really was pressed, I could go on a massive diabtribe about what is wrong with country music. The biggest one problem is the fact that country music isn't country music anymore. Back in the day, most country performers sang gut wretching and soul crushing songs about how a woman left them because of both of their drinking problems or basically how life is shit and that will never change.

Nowadays it's solely about fun and women and tractors. Oh? What's that? You can't wait to get back from Dallas to see your gal and go out on the lake and have a brew with her? That's so... bright and cheery. She thinks your tractor is sexy? She must have sexual problems.

Other than lyrics going from "my life sucks" to "YAY HAPPINESS!", country music is essentially rock music with a fiddle and maybe a slide guitar. Listen to any country on any pop country radio station and you'll hear a rock song or ballad that has a fiddle and it is magically transformed into country. Fiddle = Country Music. Oh, and let's not even touch auto-tune any further than "EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO IS IN THE COUNTRY MUSIC BUSINESS USES AUTO TUNE LIKE IT IS WHAT GIVES THEM OXYGEN!"

This diatribe could spill into how the only people who make it these days are good looking people (see: Swift, Taylor or Underwood, Carrie) when back in the day, looks were certainly not important. It was about the voice, the story and how awesome you were at guitar, banjo, fiddle, nose kazoo, etc. There's no argument rock has changed but country music has changed just as much but in a far shorter lifetime. It's already on life support. The day the County Music Television has a show like "Date my Horse" or "Pimp my Boots" will be the day country music dies. It's MTV with jeans and a silly hat as it is. Hank Williams Sr. and Johnny Cash are certainly rolling in their graves.

So why this random tangent? Elementary, dear Watson. Back to Mr. Chesney and his terrible song. As it turns out, that song was only for "opening weekend, very big games and the last day of the regular season." says ESPN spokesman Michael Humes. Well that saves our ears a bit, but it reminds us that Dave Matthews Band is the official band of ESPN College Football. The same Dave Matthews Band that is the most overrated band in the history of ever.

As our parting shot, I welcome you to go and read this article for the sake of having the other side's view: http://blog.cmt.com/2009-08-28/kenny-chesneys-espn-song-scores-big. Note a few things. One, this person clearly knows little about college football. This is tipped off by the fact that the picture happens to be the Buccaneers-Dolphins perseason game. They play in "NFL Conference", I guess. But read it and see the cluelessness. Then go down and feast on some wonderful comments like: Love me some Kenny & the VOLS!!!! GO VOLS!!!! (from Katie) or "Go to the ESPN site for college football and see how much them college football fans and especially men are angry that Kenny is singing the song. They hate the idea that Kenny’s music is going to be played before the game." from janetgijoenurse. But then get to the one liners in succession: janetgijoenurse … I went to the college football site on ESPN but can’t find anyone bashing Kenny or his song. Where are you seeing this? / she made it up! / I think she did too! / No one can answer? / Google, Kenny Chesney This is our moment. They are bashing him…..idiots.

This is capped off with a powerful one liner that shows clarity and logic which is rare in an internet comment board: Terrible Song is Terrible. You are right, FLATGillig. That's followed by some real Kenny haters: that music is bad and you should feel bad for liking it / Are you kidding me? This song sucks. Kenny Chesney is terrible, and I like country music. Nothing about that song says football. This blog is ridiculous. / An analogy: Kenny Chesney : Country Music :: [Pick one] Smash Mouth : Rock or Soulja Boy : Hip Hop.

We then close with a picture of what I think sums up the half of country music fans with brains:
this music selections for college football sound more like a prelde to a weeding than a football game. Who picked this stuff, OBAMA or some other wimp? Last year’s was great, this year it is depressing rather than high energy. Get with it ESPN.

Political jab... FTW!