Basket-ball? I think I know what that is.

Word on the street is the the NBA starts tonight. This is important because... ummm... basketball! Basketball is certainly not the forte of yours truly, but in an effort to look like I am a cultured fan of all sports, I will attempt to not completely half-ass a preview for each team.

Here goes:

Atlantic Division:
Boston: The Boston Three Party is a solid group. Together. Last year Boston limped into the playoffs and got bounced by Orlando. Now Kevin Garnett is back and the Celtics are healthy. This should mean about 55 to 60 easy victories. Apparently unhappy with their ability to yell at refs and trash talk with opponents, the Celtics signed Rasheed Wallace during the offseason. Without a doubt, Sheed will cost the C's at least 5 wins in some capacity.

New Jersey:
Gone is Vince Carter who is now in greener grasses in Orlando. In his place, the Nets have: No one. Considering their coach has two first names, Lawrence and Frank, this could be a bad year in Jersey.

New York:
The best part about the Knicks complete and total collapse is that even though they will do bad this year, they still don't have a draft pick next year. The Lebron Lottery of 2010 will determine the difference between the Knicks being terrible or really really good for the next decade.

Philadelphia:
Did you know that the Snuggie now comes in come in leopard print? I just wanted to be in the room when that was invented. "We have the Snuggie. It is selling like hotcakes in our major demographics: Fat People and Cat owning aunts. But how can we reach the two we are doing the worst in: Gays and ironic hipsters? LEOPARD PRINT!

Toronto:
I think it's time to kill the basketball experiment in Canada. Clearly these people don't care about anything other than hockey. So why force a team that won't make the playoffs for the forever years on them?

Central Division:
Chicago:
I just saw "Hunt for the Red October." Goodness that was a kickass movie. Sean Connery looked like a lion with that neckbeard of ferocity and Alec Baldwin was his usual crazy awesome self. There were so many twists and the line: "Re-verify our range to target... one ping only." Only Sean Connery could make that line into a super all time badass line.

Cleveland:
Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James Lebron James. Shaq?

Detroit:
Detroit is in trouble. They spent money too early in the free agent market, they didn't draft well this year and now people are going to stop going to the games due to the terrible economy. Did you know, though, that The Palace of Auburn Hills is NOWHERE CLOSE to Detroit. It's actually close to Flint. It's interesting though, because if it were in Detroit people would still go (who live in the less economically crushed Wayne County Metro area). Empty stands will cheer the Pistons on this year.

Indiana:
I see white people. Half the roster is whiter than white. Indiana Pacers' motto for 2009: We're taking the sport back, baby! Racial integration of the sport of basketball will not end well.

Milwaukee:
Can you think of any sound in the broad spectrum of society that more people know than the Wheel of Fortune sound when they introduce a new puzzle? "Doo Doo Dee Doooo." As you read that, I'll bet your mind sounded it out.

Southeast Division:
Atlanta:
I've noticed something in the last 5 years. Halloween candy has really improved in the past few years. This generation's kids are used to getting mini-Snickers, mini-Crunch bars and mini Twix bars. When I trick or treated (I did it until I was 18 and no, I am not ashamed of that), we usually got complete crap. Non-brand name candy was more common than name brand. Then there was the woman on this one corner who gave out... seriously... apple slices! WTF? Tell you what hippie lady, do me a favor and you keep that. But now if you walk through a supermarket, they have all kinds of nice NAME BRAND candy. This is why all children are now spoiled.

Charlotte:
I'll never got why Charlotte lost a team due to a lack of attendance and then got a new one. They then celebrated by not going to see the new team.

Miami:
Dwyane Wade is a prima donna. There I said it. It's a bugaboo around the association, but yeah, I went there. Listen, D-Wade plays hard every game and gives it his all 24/7. I'm sure he works up a sweat while eating dinner because he is THAT into it. But when he goes down from any form of contact, it's as if someone put a street sweeper shotgun into his stomach and pulled the trigger. Remember when he got wheeled off the court in a wheelchair with a towel over his head... because of a SEPARATED SHOULDER!?! Seriously, D, I've done that before. I didn't need to look a like a polio victim on my way to the doctor.

Orlando:
Orlando spent several years in complete mediocrity, got Dwight Howard, got a few nice pieces and exploded in two years. They went to the finals last year and look great. Honestly if they had a few bounces their way they could have won. Easily. Now they have Vince Carter, who is surrounded by talent for the first ever. This year could be interesting.

Washington:
If the Capitals weren't a lock to win the Southeast Division in the NHL, it would really really really suck to be a Washington DC teams based fan this year. The Redskins? Terrible. The Nationals? Terrible squared. The Wizards? Soon to be terrible.

Western Conference:

Northwest Division:
Denver:
Gotta give credit where credit is due... 30 for 30 on espn is pretty spectacular. The thing in Wayne Gretzky was OK, but the Baltimore Colts band thing was excellent and the USFL bit was amazing. The Ali-Holmes thing looks to be great. Well played ESPN, I was expecting a terrible convoluted thing with cross promos and whatnot. Solid job and applause to every involved.

Minnesota:
Minnesota completely destroyed the Ricky Rubio deal. They could have him. Now, the only proof he was ever on American soil was when he shot the terrible gillette shaving gel commercial with Derek Jeter and Roger Federer. That and the draft.

Oklahoma City:
They stole a team and this to me are dead. No, this is not a rip of Bill Simmons' fake indignant diatribe. I honestly hate them because I know what it's like to lose a pro sports team by a huckster come in and steal your franchise. It's a terrible feeling.

Portland:
Recommendation for a great recipe: Get some Louisiana hot sauce and some honey. Lightly boil the honey and then add the hot sauce. The amounts of each should be 2 to 1. Then use that on chicken. Amazing.

Utah:
The Utah Jazz, as a name, fascinates me. They used to be the New Orleans Jazz. I know that. But why not trade with the current new Orleans team? Seriously. You be the Hornets, they;ll be the Jazz. Easy. Want more of a reason to do it? YOU ARE THE BEEHIVE STATE!!!!!!!!!!

Pacific Division:
Golden State:
Golden State is a nickname for California. Why they never changed their name to Oakland or wherever they are from is beyond me. Keeping this trend, imagine if Maryland had a team: The Cockade State Warriors. Or Delaware: The Uncle Sam's Pocket Kerchief Warriors.

LA Clippers:
I can't even imagine being a Clippers fan. I can at least see being a Browns, Lions or Cubs fan. But even those teams have at least seen the light for a least a little while. The Clip joint never has and never will get a lick at the old brass ring. And now Blake Griffin is out for a few weeks. The fun train keeps rolling.

LA Lakers:
Even funnier about LA Clippers fans is that they have to share a room with the epitome of smug douchey overachievers: the Lakers. Random factoid: Kobe Bryant is 31 years old, how much longer is it going to last?

Phoenix:
Who ever invented Netflix should be deified. Honestly. Nothing short of deification. Gone are the days when we as humans are shackled to the intransigence of Blockbuster (losers). Order it online and it gets mailed to you. Do you have computer/xbox360? Watch movies/tv shows instantly. Ridiculously awesome.

Sacramento:
I don't know why Sacramento even has a team. Now that they are bad again and Sacramento is one of the hardest hit cities in the country with this economic storm, they'll be lucky to average 10,000 people per game.

Southwest division:
Dallas:
Dirk Nowitzki is from Germany. Yet, I don't care how European he is. That hair is hideous. They deserve to lose 70 games this year.

Houston:
Did you know that only 9% of the universe is actually matter? Matter as in atoms. The other 91%. We don't have a clue other than it being called "dark matter" and "dark energy." That's not a good feeling.

Memphis:
I feel bad for this organization. First they were in Vancouver, where Canadians ignored them. Now they are in Memphis, where southerners ignore them. Will someone ever watch them?

New Orleans:
(See: Utah)

San Antonio:
This team, in one offseason, completely reloaded. Yes, they are a touch old. But they got Richard Jefferson and somehow got DeJuan Blair to fall all the way to them in the draft. Seriously, how did they do that? How did we let them get away with it? They could win 70 games this year and not even try that hard.

Predicted Standings
East:
1 Cleveland
2 Orlando
3 Boston
4 Chicago
5 Atlanta
6 Miami
7 Philly
8 Detroit
9 Washington
10 Charlotte
11 Indiana
12 Toronto
13 New York
14 Milwaukee
15 New Jersey

West:
1 San Antonio
2 New Orleans
3 LA Lakers
4 Utah
5 Dallas
6 Denver
7 Houston
8 Phoenix
9 Portland
10 LA Clippers
11 Thunder
12 Golden State
13 Minnesota
14 Sacramento
15 Memphis

Finals:
San Antonio OVER Orlando

So that's it. I didn't half ass it at all. Take it to the bank, you got it. The winners and losers. Good night, America!