Tony Siragusa: Terrible Human Being

Some mysteries still elude the intelligence of the collective human race. What is dark matter? Why are we here? Who let the dogs out? Among other similar scale questions, there is one that may never be solved. Why is Tony Siragusa still on TV?

You know him. He's the fat loud guy who either won't fit in a telecast booth or is so disliked by his "colleagues" that they don't want to even be near him on the FOX D-team oh Kenny Albert and Daryl Johnston. Previously, he was on the FOX A-team with Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. He prowled the sidelines somehow giving us "proper football insight" that the guys in the booth didn't see. Only, instead of "football insight" he would say absolutely traffic stoppingly stupid. He would cut in on the play-by-play action (you know... the stuff you have the sound on for) and say something in his terrible Jersey accent: "Man I tell you guys, the offensive line is getting away with some holding calls. If I were playing there'd be a chopblock or two thrown." This would be followed with arbitrary and faked guffaws from the color guy.

He once cut in and made enough of a show to get the camera feed on him (rather the game) so he could say: "Hey! Hey! Guys! Look how cold it is down here! ::breathes out heavily to show his breath twice:: See!? It's cold! ::breathes two more times::" The camera missed a 14 yard pass play for a significant first down. Another time he did an impression of William Hung. Yet another time he told a fan national TV that he had won a truck and the fan was so happy he began to cry just have fat man give him a hot wheel car. Lawsuits were issued.

So yes, you know him. This begs the question, how is this man still on TV? He is terrible, useless in terms of the telecast and makes you dumber for hearing him talk. Moreover, how did he get on TV? He was a terrible football player. 562 total tackles in 12 seasons. And wow... he won a Super Bowl. Guess who else did? Trent Dilfer. ON THE SAME TEAM. Does this moron having a superbowl make him any more qualified to walk on the sidelines interrupting the announcers to tell us that the losing squad isn't playing well on this particular day anymore than a chocolate labrador?

You may be thinking: "Geez, Slate. I've wanted him banished from the NFL for years. Why lay in to him now?" Well first off, this has been a festering hatred. I haven't liked this guy in a long time. In the 2001 AFC championship game he injured Rich Gannon with a cheap shot. That was my intro to this no-name football player. But since then, he has become more visible and thus more annoying. It's not just that Siragusa is a complete moron who is basically a 400 pound mosquito. Siragusa is one of many "that guys." There are many types of "guys." There is "Guy who always talks about his NCAA brackets even in July Guy" and there is "40+ year old who owns a Corvette/Camaro with a vanity plate with something like 'SPD4ME' or 'BRNOUT' Guy." Tony Siragusa is "Overly emotive fat guy who always must be correct and always gets the laugh word no matter what despite being 50 IQ points dumber than the average person in the room Guy." The worst thing you could ever do with this particular guy is to give him a soapbox and maybe even a little bit of knowledge.

Example: Detroit was playing Green Bay this past week and getting crushed. There was a face mask on the Packers. Daryl Johnston said something about facemasks. Tony Siragusa launched in to one of those diatribes hot heads have that went on long enough to pour into Kenny Albert being so rude as to attempt to call the play by play. Siragusa was still going as Albert was calling a 4 yard run off tackle by Kevin Smith.

Someday Siragusa will be taken off the TeeVee. It will be a glorious day. But again, we must wonder how the hell he got their in the first place. If anyone has any idea at all, I would love to know. If we can diagnose the problem, we can eliminate it. I will be able to sleep better knowing that the worst TV "personality" of all time will be gone.