World Cup Qualifying? Here?

by Slate Quicksilver

Yes, friends, World Cup qualifying updates are here. Well, sort of. 23 teams already have qualified. Some are the obvious ones who will probably be great next summer: Brazil, England, Germany Spain... and others will get steamrolled due to obvious reasons: North Korea, Honduras. In Europe, where eleventy billion teams get to qualify for the World Cup, they are in the last stages of qualifying. Four spots remain, 8 teams want to get in. Potlucksports rocks the knowledge on this using logic, military history and preconceived notions about each country to ascertain who will get in and who won't. And yes, stereotypes will be tossed around like coupons at a Bar Mitzvah.

Europe takes 9 groups and all the winners of those groups move on. The 2nd place teams (except one loser... this time's loser: NORWAY) get thrown into a lottery wherein FIFA world ranking gives you balls in a pot or something and then basically the good teams usually play the not as good teams and they move on. WTF? No BCS? No AP poll or Harris Poll or Sagarin ranking? The teams play a home and home next month and then BAM we have the last people to qualify.

Matchup Number 1:
Ireland vs. France

Ireland:
Military: Not much here, sadly. The problem they have is that they were subjugated by the British for centuries and then never really fought in a war. They became independent early in the 20th Century, but they didn't fight in WWII. They were neutral. So we must go outside the box and remember Boondock Saints, that pretty little movie wherein two Irish ex-pats go bonkers on the Italian and Russian mobs and look badass doing it.

6 out of 10

Stereotype:
If they are Irish, they will be drunk at the game. No question there. Soccer usually requires an amount of coordination, so this could be an issue.

5 out of 10

France:
Military:
HA! France? Military?!!? Let's dig into the old joke book:
How many men does it take to successfully defend Paris?
None, it's never been done before!
How do you stop the famed French Cavalry?
Pull the plug on the carousel!
Why don't they have fireworks at EuroDisney in France?
Everytime they shot them off, the French would try to surrender!
Why does the new French Navy have glass bottoms?
To see the old French Navy!

-249 out of 10

Stereotype:
Snooty, self-important, lack of proper hygiene, wine > beer, general distaste for anyone not French (except this guy for some reason).

8 out of 10

So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that IRELAND WILL WIN.


Portugal vs. Bosnia and Herzegovina:

Portugal:
Military:
Once a world power in terms of trading and shipping, but they were stupid enough to fall for the old "Line of Demarcation Made Up by the Pope" trick. They gave up most of North America back in the late 1400s to Spain... before it even was cool to strip the land of its resources and kill off or subjugate the indigenous people. Even worse, the Pope who oversaw and pushed the treaty through was SPANISH! Idiots.

1 out of 10

Stereotypes:
Not much here, really. However their soccer players are the punk ass bitches of the soccer universe. They flop if a player comes within 1 inch of them, they act as if their legs are being run over by a steamroller if it is just slightly windy outside, and they are just generally not nice people.

4 out of 10

Bosnia and Herzegovina

Military:
Before we get all Pro-US, we must recognize that it was a UN effort to obliterate the Bosnian rebels back in the mid 90s. So we will lay off the "USA USA USA" chants for now. It should be noted that one of their own did start WWI by assassinating some guy over who was going to leave the tip or something... though that may have been Davy Crockett. History is not this author's best topic.

2 out of 10

Stereotypes:
None that are known to Americans other than the FACT THAT WE KICKED THEIR ASS IN THE MID 90s! USA! USA! USA! ALL THE WAY! ALL THE WAY!

1 out of 10

So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that Portugal WILL WIN. But we hate them.


Greece vs. Ukraine:

Greece:
Military:
Way to just roll over in WWII, Greece. I mean seriously. The allies had Eastern Mediterranean on lockdown and then you guys had to fold just because Nazi's were parachuting on you. Big whoop. You used to be something. You were Greece! You had the Spartans! Come on, Greece! And Alexander the Great, all he did was wreck people's shit all the way from the Balkan Peninsula to India! Oh wait, what's that? He was from Macedonia. Oh... ouch. Macedonia is its own country these days. That's a few point deduction.

Military:
6 out of 10

Stereotypes:
Hairy, bullish, gyros, tzatziki sauce and way to many letters in their words.

3 out of 10

Ukraine:
Military:
Depends on how you want to go. They have been part of the Mongol Empire (seriously good +8) Russia (very good +6), the Ottoman Empire (sorta good +3) and Poland (the worst ever even including France -9). But they were part of Poland for only a few years.

8 out of 10

Stereotypes:
Not all that many. I once had a teacher from the Ukraine. He was a good guy with a weird sense of humor. We "Americanized" him by teaching him slang and it culminated in taking him to a baseball game.

0 out 10

So who wins?
After computing the scores we have decided that GREECE WILL WIN. Then again, it is written.


Russia vs. Slovenia:

Russia:
Military:
Ummm... it's Russia. Russia doesn't play with anyone. That's why they invented the Tsar Bomba. Bitches don't fuck wid Russia.

11 out of 10

Stereotypes:
Drunk, Communist, Beard, Stalin, bad space program and vodka

8 out of 10


After computing the scores we have decided that RUSSIA WILL WIN.


So Ireland, Portugal, Greece and Russia will all go on to the World Cup. Then we will do more stereotypes later on to predict the winner of the World Cup thanks to the easy steps we just used.