After going back through the archives and having a startling realization, it dawned on me that we have not done a solid food articles in more than 2 weeks. Because we are potlucksports, being devoted to sports AND food, this cannot stand.
Thus we bring the flavorgasm scale back from storage (it was mildly successful) to better the sex in your mouth. Wait that's not right. We bring back the flavorgasm scale to improve the explosive orgasms in your mouth. No, that isn't right either but time is fleeting, so we'll begin without proper re-introduction.
Orange cream soda, in general, was created by God so that if the world were to fall into a massive war on the scale of WWII, there would be a drink to be had at the treaty signing/after party/after-after party (Italian Prime Ministers know how to get down...). But it is this brand, Henry Weinhard's, that is of particular awesomeness. It's like drinking a creamsicle. That's nothing new. Drinks like this have exists for years. But what Mr. Weinhard does, whether or not he tells you on the bottle, is that he puts some derivation of cocaine in his fine elixir. That's the only explanation for why I woke up at 2 A.M. after downing one of these with the shakes craving this drink. Worse still, I had only had one at that time.
I am reminded of growing up in an elementary school that had the D.A.R.E. program. Officer Lisotte (I think) was our resource officer. Short guy, NICE police mustache, New York accent and was always chewing bubble gum. A likeable guy if you are 8 years old and are being told that if you drink a beer you will become like the guy in the cartoon who instantly turns to crime and debauchery. I remember in 5th grade he brought in a new tape, which was amazing considering we had the old cartoon about 56 times and it did not have the production value of the Children's Christian Access TV channel. I think the dude who voiced Doug, on "Doug", was the main character. I remember that he went from "land" to "land" saving various people. Each "land" was like "Marijuanaville" or "Heroinsburg" and each drug had its own personification. "Queen Mary Juana" was a giant joint. Anyway in "Crackton" the hero is told by his companion that with cocaine its "one hit and you're hooked." "Hooked" was echoed like 5 times for effect. Well, Officer Lisotte, I have met cocaine, and I am hooked. Just typing this up thinking of Henry Weinhard's Orange Cream Soda is making my tingle and making me think strange thoughts. My pockets hurt and after my quest to Memphis, I'd rather not have to swordfight former Dolphins punter Reggie Roby for the right to sit along side the King of Denmark. But that's for another time and it will be between me and my future parole officer.
Oh yeah, in the end Officer Lisotte got fired, no lie, for buying crack from an undercover officer.
Anyway, this drink of addiction isn't everything that will give you a flavorgasm. This will too:
Holy sweet NASCAR Jesus are these amazing. I got them thinking that they would taste like, duh, buffalo wings and blue cheese. They do... sort of. Actually there is evidence that it was just a rebranding attempt. Honestly, I don't care. This stuff is completely insane. You take one bite and your mouth shutters. Just like the orange cream sodas, it has copious amount of cocaine. I unintentionally downed a whole bag in about 18 hours. When I was done, crazy thoughts ran through my head about how I could get more.Step 1: Steal a zeppelin
Step 2: Kidnap Rob Schneider
Step 3: Crash the zeppelin into a supermarket carrying these chips
Step 4: Grab all the chips
Step 5: Run away
The worst part about the crazy thoughts were, I don't even know why I wanted to kidnap Rob Schneider.
Anyway, we have two completely addictive food items and like most stupid addicts, I decided to mix the two in attempt to get the high from both squared. When I did, let me tell you something, it was everything I ever hoped for. I think heaven will have waterfalls of orange cream soda and houses made out of buffalo bleu kettle chips (Yes, I did see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs... it was awesome). When you take a bite of the chips you get a blast of paprika, chili powder, sweetness and a touch of sour cream. Then you watch it down with a sip of sweet sweet oranges with vanilla ice cream. The Awesome molecules react with the OMG molecules to make the rarest of rare elements: Amazingium. The crack, I believe, is just there to turn you in to a zombie husk of a human being craving solely oxygen and the combination of these two foods.
Flavorgasm scale:
Henry Weinhard's Orange Cream Soda: 9 out of 10
Buffalo Bleu Kettle Brand Chips: 9 out of 10
Combined together: 81 out of 10
Yes it defies the laws of the scale, but then again the scale wasn't made for this. It's like a hurricane with 200 mile per hour winds, the scale is inadequent for this grade. I fully recommend all to go try this combination (or them individually) but please note that they don't have warning labels on them telling you about full physical and psychological addiction to them that results in hallucinations and delusions on a grand grand scale.
Yet.
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