Your NBA Status Report Presented by Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales

This is the first in an occasional series called the NBA Status Report, sponsored by our good friends at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales and Collarless Shirt Emporium. Mr. Van Gundy, full time Magic coach and part time used car pitchman, will offer his opinions on things in the NBA by relating them to a used car on his lot. Take it away, Stan.

Greetings, folks. I'm pleased to be able to bring you my unique perspective on the NBA via my friends at PLS. I know what you're thinking. What in the world, you may ask, does an active coach benefit by sharing his perspective with the general public, especially when I've got a job to do that requires me keeping my opinions to myself? Well, I'm not exactly known for being Johnny Tightlips when it comes to my opinions on current affairs. That being said, let's jump into the meat of the article.

I have a special deal for you today! I've got a legendary roadster that don't take no guff from nobody. I'm pushing the Wagon Queen Family Truckster for a lowly $2000. That's it, folks. What's that? You don't like the Wagon Queen now? Well, wait 'till you drive her! Why bring up the Wagon Queen? We'll be looking at some names with some debilitating flaws, mostly injury related.

Chris Paul, PG, NOR - I cannot emphasize how much CP3 reminds me of the ol' Queen. He runs like a thoroughbred when he's in the open court and is one of the top 5 players in today's game, easily, just like the Queen on the open road. Those ankles are pretty bothersome, though. You take just the slightest bump on the Queen and the engine will rattle. Same thing with CP3. Those ankles have been a problem for the last couple of seasons. It's such a shame; I really like watchin' this kid work.

Josh Howard, SF, DAL - He's got the same deal as ol' CP3, except his is worse. Two surgeries on the same ankle within 6 months. Rough deal, man. Say, did I ever mention how safe the Wagon Queen will make ya feel? It has gen-u-ine airbags, made of the highest quality Hefty bags.

Kevin Martin, SG, SAC - Ouch, baby! Bad wrists are no laughing matter, even for driving! A real dynamic scorer, this one. He's a rising star in the league, a guy who does a little bit of everything and a LOT of scoring. Double-doubles from the SG position are nothing to be scoffed at, just like the Queen when she's roaring down your Main Street. A vehicle that demands respect from even the lowliest of families (or in Sacto's case, teams).

Yao Ming, C, HOU - Of course, we already knew about this one. Sometimes, your Wagon Queen Family Truckster just comes with a bad axle or chassis. Being 7'7", sometimes your chassis just can't handle the strain you put on it. At least it isn't as career threatening as we once thought, just like that class action suit for design defects didn't kill off the Wagon Queen line. This baby's gonna be my best seller for YEARS to come! YEARS!

That's it, folks, for this time. Thanks to PLS for allowing me the opportunity to talk about roundball AND to promote my side business. Remember, at Stan Van Gundy's Used Auto Sales, we stack 'em deep and sell 'em cheap. If you didn't buy from me, you paid too much, WAYYY too much. I want to make you a DEAL on an au-to-mo-BILE.