So, it seems like Slate got caught in the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. I'm sure he'll add his picks later. The crop of games, even for some rivalry weeks is generally poor, so here goes.
(10) LSU @ Ole Miss
Slate
As one can expect with Houston Nutt, this game is shaping up to be an upset special. However, like it was with Mr. Invisible from "Mystery Men" who can only be invisible when no one looks, Houston Nutt can only pull an upset off if he no one expects him to.
Bayou Bengals over the South (who shall rise again)
Iroquois
Last year, Ole Miss finally beat LSU after a long string of losses. I don't expect that to change this year, especially if the Ole Miss offense clicked like they did last week. I tell ya, that Dexter McCluster is just a Grand Wizard with the football in his hands. Ole Miss has a Klandestinely good defense, as well. Jerrell Powe is proving why he was worth the 3.5 year wait. As the talented Sir Elton John might have once said, Saturday afternoon will be All White for Ole Miss.
Johnny Rebs over Corndoggers. (There! Now it's been codified in the Wall Street Journal!)
Annie
Tiggers.
Red
Can the fighting Shepard Smiths beat the giant corn dogs? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy a good old hate filled beat down between two schools that just don’t like each other.
Prediction: LSU over Ole Miss after Ole Miss is forced to forfeit the game for singing the From Dixie With Love and adding their favorite verse. LSU still sucks, but not as much as Ole Miss.
(13) Penn State @ Michigan State
Iroquois
Penn State will not win this game. I know that they need a win to share the Big 10 title (potentially) and an at-large BCS bid, so they've got the requisite pressure on them to make sure they stay sharp. State College, PA has also been better on the road this year (their two losses came at home). But the Spartan's offense should be able to move the ball on the PSU defense and MSU has won 4 out of the last 6 home games in this rivalry. The spread in the game (PSU -3) also indicates the linesetters think something is amiss as well.
Sparty over Paterny.
Annie
Though I hail from MSU, the Spartys have their bowl game, so they won't pull this one out
Slate
Logic = thrown out the window on I-75 at 80 mph. We won't be able to find it in this pick. All suggestions point to a Sparty obliteration party, yet this team has been harder to peg than Sarah Palin's thought process. I would like to see a Spartan uprising, but instead I see a Nittany Lion victory.
PSU over MSU
Red
BRAINS!!! BRAINS!!! And delusional Michigan fan BRAINS!!! Penn State has been BRAINS this year and everyone knows it, their BRAINS of beating Sparty are still pretty good though. Just imagine how much BRAINS!!! are inside of old Sparty and you realize that this isn’t just a football game, this is a buffet for JoePa! I’m assuming that quantity beats out quality when a zombie selects their prey, otherwise look out for PSU to start scheduling Ivy league teams. The band is on the field!
Prediction: PSU over MSU and Bobby Bowden continues to hope that the secret government plan to exterminate JoePa before the infection spreads.
Cal @ (14) Stanford
Iroquois
This is a Big Game. I was on the Stanford bandwagon last week, and now seems like a poor time to get off of it. Flying high off of two straight Top 10 victories, facing a Cal team really lacking in identity since Jahvid Best took a lickin', and riding the dark horse candidacy of Toby Gerhart for the H---man trophy, the Cardinal will let their Mike Alstott clone and frosh super-prospect Andrew Luck carry this team as far as they'll go. Jim Harbaugh seems destined for big things as a coach.
Trees over Bears.
Annie
Stanford takes another team out
Slate
Stanford is rolling. They have embarrassed two top 10 teams in succession. It wouldn't surprise me if they took this week off with the assumption that Cal is dead in the water without Hyperback jahvid Best, who is recovering from "Sudden Death Syndrome." If so, knowing that Cal's defense is not to be trifled, Stanford had better not sleep through this one. We are finally giving praise, this is not the time to dilly-dally.
Trees over the Bears
Red
Don’t look now but Stanford has been playing some really good football as of late. HEY! I told you not to look. I could make a concussion joke, or a whinny hippy douche joke but instead I’ll simply point out that no matter what the outcome of this game the Stanford students are still the winners. In fact I hear that Penn State is doing everything they can to schedule as many games against Stanford as they can in the near future, something about BRAINS!!! And you simply cannot mention this game without linking this clip.
Prediction: Stanford over Cal, which a few years ago would have been a big enough joke to not require any commentary.
FIU @ (1) UF
Ed. Note: We realize this is a pretty obvious pick. So, instead, we are picking the game and saying what would happen if FIU won.
Iroquois
Seriously, if Florida lost this game, I might just jump in front of an Amtrak train. It would be less painful than having to deal with the ribbing that would come from every fanbase. In fact, I dare say that if Florida lost, Tim Tebow would immediately transform into the White Rider and ascend to Heaven, War and Famine would get Biblical on the world, and the Pale Rider would finally descend and just end humanity's miserable lot. Of course, this all depends on your interpretation of the White Rider and whether or not he's actually a representation of the Antichrist or Christ himself, but that's a discussion best left to our sister blog, EucharistSports.
UF over FIU.
Post-Picks Soapbox
I do not wish to find myself remiss in mentioning that Ohio State plays Michigan this weekend, and I think it will actually be a pretty entertaining game. The game is being played in the Big House and all signs point to OSU leaving with a victory. That being said, it is a big rivalry game and would definitely make the Michigan fan's awful year exponentially better if they were to deny their hated rivals the Big Ten title (...I think). Most experts have this game as an OSU win by a TD. I'll go the other way and pick Michigan by a marginal amount.
Michigan over OSU.
One last thing. I haven't shaved my facial hair in nearly 3 weeks as a part of my No Shave November program for studying. Number one, it already is patchy enough as it is, but man is this stuff irritating. To those who regularly maintain some form of beard, public service mustache, or any other intricate design, you have my respect.
Annie
If FIU wins, start shining the Super Bowl trophy for the Lions.
Slate
Brother Quicksilver went to FIU for a year. He left to go to a community college when he realized how poorly organized the school was. Even though that has nothing to do with anything, that being said, FIU's football team is terrible. They are better than they used to be, but that is akin to basketball analysts calling the Clippers better because they won 30 games instead of 20. FIU's angle, almost certainly, is to play the disrespect card. But to get play that card, you must first have a reason to have any respect at all and no, this does not count. If UF were to lose, I would be willing to give up meat for 1 year. Meat is 97% of my diet... losing it would be detrimental to my health and well-being... so I feel this would be fair. If FIU wins, I will become a vegetarian for 1 year and incur all liberal hippie douche penalty points that would be levied upon me.
UF over FIU... Tebow out in the 3rd quarter
Red
I’m going to have to go with the Gators for this one, by I don’t know, a brazillian. So the editorial staff (read: unimaginative assholes that run this blog) want me to tell you readers what I would do if the Gators lost this game. So I can say without hyperbole or exaggeration that if UF lost this game I would do the sickest, most depraved and disgusting thing I can think of (and that we can post on this website without putting up a warning no children under 18 sign). I would get a tattoo of the FIU panther on my forehead, making it look as if the Panther’s nads are in fact giving me a tea bag and then buy season tickets to FIU where I would chant “Balls out for FIU!” over and over and over. Luckily FIU has a better chance of finding a cure for AIDS on their bus ride up to Gainesville then beating UF in a football game so I won’t have to get a tattoo of the FIU panther on my head.
Prediction: UF over FIU and we don’t see Tebow in the fourth quarter.
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